A/N

This is just a joke, guys. I don't even like Banana Fish. I wrote this as a birthday present for my bitch-ass cousin. So, yeah. Happy birthday to her.

...

i push my dark locks out of my face, revealing my pale, gorgeous, but uninteresting face. ugh, nobody likes me and i hate myself, i think to myself, which is the norm, because i'm edgy. but also like brightly-colored dresses.

"y/n!" calls out my alcoholic mom. "come down here or i'll abuse the everloving fuck out of you!"

"y-y-yes, mom," i stutter, sighing, tucking my dark locks behind my ear.

and so i walk downstairs…

… and am met with the sight of the most gorgeous man ever.

tall, broad but lean. his hair the shade of melted butter, unruly but framing his face in the right way. his arms crossed, his biceps bulging when he uncrosses it.

my mom is besides him, with a cigarette in her hand. she smokes it, then says, "here's your new owner."

i gasp.

nani?

"now get the fuck out of my life," my mom says, throwing her cigarette right at my face, flecks of ash (wink, wink) coating my face. "you're an embarrassment to everyone around you and you're better off dead."

"s-s-sorry, mommy," i say, in a completely non-sexual way.

my mom scowls, gives me the fuck-you finger, then rollerblades out of the room.

we are alone in the room, tension brewing in the air.

i tuck my hair behind my ear.

he steps close to me. invading my personal space. not that i mind. men's creepy behavior are only seen as creepy if they're ugly. "you're beautiful," he murmurs, uncreepily.

"t-t-thank you," i mumble.

"what's your name?" he asks.

"y/n," i reply.

"cool," he grunts. then, with one slender, calloused, light thumb, he wipes the grey flecks off of my face. "i'm ash. ash lynx."

"ash," i repeat, stuttering.

"c'mon, then," he says. then leads me out into his limo. which is big and long and sleek and black. "there's someone i'd like you to meet."

i blink.

someone? who could it be?

the window rolls down, and there he is.

cute. dark, wavy hair. a smile that rivals the sun. sunglasses. "hey, ash! did you get her yet?"

"i did, eiji," chortles ash, placing a strong, protective arm around my slender, thin shoulder (because shoulders can be thin), "and she is the most beautiful girl i've ever seen."

the boy—no, the man; eiji—lowers his sunglasses, and shows me his eyes, which are the color of cobalt, of melted steel, of my dead grandma's hair. "you're right. she is."

"and she's mine," ash growls, his grip on me tightening.

i blush, which makes me more pretty. not that i'd ever admit that to anyone. "s-stop it, baka."

eiji steps out of the car, revealing his bulky, sun-kissed frame. he strides towards ash with great manliness, and pushes him. ash stumbles back, his perfect hair falling to his perfect face, making him even more perfect.

"no, ash," eiji states, "she's mine."

"no!" ash yells, ripping off his shirt, his six-pack flexing in the sun. "mine!"

"no!" roars eiji, doing the same. "mine!"

"boys!" says my alcoholic mom, striding through in her rollerblades, empty wineglass in her hand. "just make out already!"

and so they fight over me, their nipples rippling with handsomeness, grunting and growling. "stop!" i tell them, running over to them, putting a stray lock behind my ear. "please!"

my eyes grow watery.

ash and eiji, seeing this, stop and embrace me.

"i'm sorry, y/n," mumbles eiji.

"we never meant to hurt you," adds ash.

"we're just… obsessed over you," ejaculates eiji.

i sink into their warm arms, breathing in their masculine scent. "why? i'm not special," i say, despite my dead dad and secret twin and black belt.

they hug me tighter. then kiss me.

then an alien invasion happens.

[{**uwu~linebreak~uwu**]}

it's been a month since the alien invasion happened, and i am now the leader of the rebellion. people look up to me, because i am the least interesting person ever.

ash and eiji are both my second in command.

they are also in love with me.

but i can't choose which one of them i should be with. they're both so generic, so lacking in personality.

i can't think about love, though. not when an alien invasion is going on.

so, i run up to a building, and i start shooting them aliens. i get headshots, of course.

"oh, wow, y/n," says my generic best friend who i'll forget in the next sentence, "you're so awesome!"

i nod and leave, because i don't have time to accept gratitude anymore. i'm too serious for that. the world has ended, after all.

then, ash and eiji invite me to hang out, and i accept with a thank-you. i walk up to my room and look at my wardrobe.

i decide to wear a puffer jacket, a crop-top, a kilt, a cowboy boot on one foot and a mini mouse high heel in the other.

when they see me, ash and eiji's mouth open.

"you… you look…" breathes ash.

"beautiful," finishes eiji.

i tuck my hair behind my ear, blushing. "a-a-a-a-arig-g-g-g-g-ga-t-t-t-o."

they take me to the most beautiful place ever; mcdonalds.

everything is lit up with lantern. the floor is covered with roses.

i gasp. "is this a date?"

ash and eiji look at each other, then at me.

then, ash takes me by the hand and kisses me. i kiss back. eiji comes between us and starts kissing me, then ash, then me again.

then we have the best threesome ever (which the author refuses to write because she's too gay for this shit.)