Chapter 7: Resolution

"It isn't good, Elizabeth," Carson said sadly, shaking his head.

She sat at the foot of John's bed, unable to stand when she saw him. He was still unconscious, and, according to Carson, had not woken since he arrived. His face and body had been cleaned of blood, and there had been so much blood. But the exposed bruises and lacerations and bandages covering his body almost made it worse as she imagined and replayed Kolya's torture sessions in her mind. She remembered every blow, every electrical surge, every puncture wound as her eyes scanned John's broken body. She longed to see his fierce dark eyes and know that he was ok. Now, bruised eyelids remained closed.

"He had a ruptured liver and spleen. Torn artery in his leg. Internal bleeding. A concussion. Multiple broken bones — God, Elizabeth. His teeth were cracked, probably to keep —"

His voice caught and she knew the good doctor couldn't continue. To keep from screaming, she knew he was going to say. He had probably relived everything done to John while trying to repair his body, and she couldn't imagine how the doctor felt now.

"Oh Carson."

She reached out for his hand again and held it tightly.

"McKay says the device Kolya used shouldn't have any long lasting effects," he continued, his voice a bit stronger. "But if we hadn't gotten to him when we did …" Carson couldn't finish his thought. "He still might not make it. He barely made it through surgery. If he can get through the night then he has a chance."

"He'll make it," Elizabeth said. "He has to."

Sheppard did make it through the night. And the next night. And the next. But he still didn't wake up, and Carson could not explain why.

"Sometimes when the body is traumatized it has its own way of healing," he told Sheppard's team. "He'll wake up when he's ready."

He had been gone nearly three weeks. And Weir hardened her resolve in finding Kolya and bringing him to justice for what he had done to Sheppard. Ladon still remained silent, although she sent a report to his people to let him know that they were searching for Acastus Kolya, and if she could have given out the equivalent of a bounty for his head, she would have done so gladly.

Four days after arriving, one of Carson's nurses was checking on Sheppard when the man woke, feverish. The nurse had been reaching towards his chest to adjust a bandage, and Sheppard panicked.

Carson walked in just as the man grabbed the nurse's wrist in one hand and neck in the other, somehow lunging from where he had been lying and bodily flipping the man onto the foot of the bed, teeth bared and eyes wild.

Alarms blared as the monitors and needles were torn out of his arms and chest with the movement, and Carson rushed forward, then quickly brought himself up short, remembering the trauma that Sheppard had been through.

"Colonel, son," he said gently, "Let go of the man."

Sheppard was breathing hard and fast, kneeling on the bed over the nurse who was choking under his hand.

"John, you're safe. You're home. You're back in Atlantis. It's ok, just let go." Carson slowly moved closer.

Sheppard blinked, flushed and confused, trying to focus, then slowly released his hold on the nurse and collapsed.

Carson managed to catch him before he fell off the bed, but it was clear the man was not entirely there.

"That's it, son," Carson said gently, easing Sheppard back into the bed with the nurse's help. The man closed his eyes and did not open them again.

"I don't know what happened," the nurse apologized as they carefully began cleaning up the blood on Sheppard's arms where the needles had been torn out.

"You were reaching for his chest, Max," Carson replied. "He probably thought you were the Wraith. He might be feverish, but he doesn't know he's home yet. He just needs more time."

Ronon sat next to Sheppard one night, almost a week after they had brought him back to Atlantis. Sheppard had been so still those first three days, but now he started thrashing in delirium, muttering in a strange language. His eyes never opened, and when Carson came to give him something to calm him, he told Ronon it was a language from Earth. Something Sheppard had picked up during the war. He might have been reliving his POW experience in his dreams.

"What's a POW?" Ronon asked as he and the doctor watched Sheppard slip back into a fitful sleep.

"Prisoner of war. The Colonel was captured years ago by enemies in Afghanistan. But I don't know what happened. He never speaks of it."

"Do you think it was this bad?" Ronon asked quietly.

Carson shook his head. "I don't know. I hope not. But in a way, it might help him recover if he's been through this before. Or it will be worse because he didn't expect to go through it again. Sometimes the mind makes one forget trauma. Sometimes it forces you to relive it for weeks or years afterwards."

The next night as Ronon sat as his bedside, Sheppard opened his eyes.

"Hey buddy," he whispered.

"Sheppard!" Ronon surged to his feet, torn between patting Sheppard on the shoulder, hugging him, or calling for the doctor.

Sheppard winced, his eyes glassy and trying hard to focus. "Where …?"

"You're home." Ronon pulled the chair closer to the bed. "You're safe. Carson is fixing you up."

"'S good." Sheppard's eyes slid closed.

Teyla told Ronon the following day that Sheppard had woken briefly with her as well. He had asked the same questions and they had had the same conversation before he fell asleep again. Carson said it was the concussion.

"It can affect the memory," he explained. "It will take a while before he realizes he's really home. But it's good he's waking up and is showing some coherency."

Slowly, Sheppard was able to stay awake longer and longer, and started putting together that he was actually in Atlantis and he wasn't dreaming that he had been rescued. He had a few setbacks when his fever spiked again, and Carson was forced to do another surgery when it turned out his liver was more damaged than he thought.

"You've only got half a liver left now, laddie," he said, patting Sheppard on the shoulder. "But it will grow back. It's an amazing organ."

The only person who avoided Sheppard was McKay. He finally drifted by one morning when John was attempting to eat some chicken broth with shaky hands.

"Hey McKay."

"I'll come back," Rodney said quickly. "Don't want to disturb your breakfast."

"No, stay. I haven't seen you at all since I got back."

McKay stood nervously, fidgeting for a moment before pulling up a chair.

"I'm sorry," he finally said.

Sheppard raised an eyebrow. "For what?"

"That I didn't find you sooner. I should have realized the reason we couldn't track Kolya's ship was because he never left orbit. It was a stupid mistake. We — we nearly lost you because of it. You basically had to rescue yourself."

Sheppard laughed, then grimaced as his broken ribs reminded him that laughing was painful.

"I didn't rescue myself. You did."

"Don't be ridiculous," McKay protested. "If you hadn't blinked out where you were we would have never known."

"And if you hadn't realized what I was doing I'd still be there."

"No, if you —" McKay paused as he realized what Sheppard had said. "Oh."

"Someone else might have realized it later, but Ronon and Teyla don't know Morse code. I'm not sure if Elizabeth is up to par in military knowledge. And it didn't sound like any of the other guys in the room noticed either. Teyla told me you had it right away. You knew what I was saying."

McKay felt torn between guilt and pride.

"Sheppard, what they did to you …"

"They did it." Sheppard's voice was hard, his jaw set. He looked straight at Rodney. "As bad as it was, it's over now. I'd rather focus on recovering than reliving the past. I've done it before and I'm going to do it again."

"You've done it before?" McKay was surprised.

Sheppard hesitated, the spoon frozen halfway back to the bowl. "Afghanistan," he finally said. "A lot happened there that I'd rather not talk about."

"Well — right. Yes. I guess you're right, then." McKay uncomfortably twisted his hands, then, not able to stand the awkward silence that followed added, "So, recovery. How long do you have to stay in the infirmary?"

Sheppard shrugged. "It's already been over a week and I'm starting to get pretty bored. Carson says it will be a while. Lots of broken bones and busted insides I guess." He indicated the braces on his legs. "Still can't walk yet but Beckett says it wasn't as bad as he thought."

"I can bring my chess set if it helps?"McKay offered. "We need a rematch anyway."

"Doc says no chess."

"What? But you just move little pieces around a board!"

"Concussion. I'm still having some … problems. So nothing that makes my brain work too hard yet."

"Ah. Ok. A book, then? Have you finished 'War and Peace'?"

Sheppard rolled his eyes. "How about just visiting? Just come for a visit every once in a while, Rodney. Tell me about your latest science lab stuff."

"'Science lab stuff,'" McKay huffed. "I'll have you know we have been working on some pretty cool 'stuff' if I say so myself."

And Sheppard settled down, closing his eyes with a smile on his face as McKay proceeded to give him the rundown on the latest in the lab.

To McKay it looked like he didn't listen to a word. Or maybe he did.

When Elizabeth stopped by later, Sheppard was awake, but struggling.

"Hey," he said with a lopsided grin as she stepped into the room.

"Hi, John," she replied softly. She sat at his side, careful to touch a part of his arm that seemed the least bruised and bandaged. "How are you doing?"

"Doc's got me on the good stuff," he replied. "I'm sure I look worse than I feel."

"We have been worried about you," she admitted. "Carson wasn't sure if you were going to pull through."

"But I did," he smiled. "It's gonna be a long path to recovery, but it will happen."

"John, I have a confession to make." She looked at him, trying to read his tired, bruised eyes. "I … I was going to give him Ladon. I wasn't going to at first. I wanted to respect your wishes and follow protocol, but … After they sent the second tape I just couldn't. I couldn't watch you suffer anymore."

Sheppard watched patiently, saying nothing as she struggled.

"The only reason I didn't give him Ladon was because Ladon and his men disappeared. I think he knew. He knew it was getting worse with Kolya. He knew I would give in."

She searched his eyes, trying to read his expression. Sheppard sat quietly for a long while. Finally, he took a deep breath and said, "No one is unbreakable, Elizabeth. Kolya found your weakness and exploited it. Next time, we need to find his."

And she nodded, because it was exactly what she needed to hear him say. She only hoped he believed what he said and that they would find Kolya and make him pay for what the Genii had done to him.

Sheppard was quiet for a long moment. "Thanks for rescuing me," he finally said.

Hesitating before saying more, she finally looked at him and said, "How are you doing, John? How are you really doing?"

He sighed, looking thoughtful and tired at the same time.

"Beckett says I'll heal. Make a full recovery," he finally said.

Elizabeth tilted her head, raising an eyebrow. "That's not what I asked."

He gave her a small smile, but she could see he was disturbed. "I know."

"You don't have to write a report yet," she said.

"But I will," he nodded. "Stargate Command will want to see that. Make sure I'm fit for duty."

"Are you? Fit for duty?"

"Right now? No. I can't even walk on my own two legs."

"That's not what I meant, John."

He closed his eyes, looking exhausted.

"This wasn't like Afghanistan," he finally said quietly. "They wanted information there. Kolya didn't want anything. He just wanted to use me to get to you."

"We both might need a shrink after this," she suggested lightly. But deep down she knew she would never forget seeing his face twisted in agony on that monitor.

He chuckled softly and opened his eyes, suddenly serious. "You know how I got through Afghanistan? I knew my team was coming for me. And even if I didn't survive, I knew that they would have tried. At least … at that point they would have tried. And it didn't matter if they failed or if they couldn't get to me. It was the fact that I knew that somewhere, someone was trying to find me." He looked directly at her. "All you need is hope. Hope kept me going then and it kept me going with everything happening with Kolya. And it's going to keep us all going. That's how we got here in the first place. Atlantis wouldn't be Atlantis without the hope of the people here."

Elizabeth smiled sadly. She knew that John was right. And he always knew the right thing to say, especially when it seemed like there was no hope left.

Because Sheppard, unlike her, needed to believe that he was unbreakable.

Author's Note: Thank you so much to all my readers for getting to the end. This was a tough one to write as I've drastically changed my writing style over the years. If you've gone back and read my older stories you might be able to see a difference. I did find an older story in my archives that I will publish soon, and I'm working on another Ronon and Shep centric story. There should be more writing from me in the future so follow along, and please review as it makes my heart happy to know if you like what you are reading (or not!). Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and sent PMs already. I appreciate you!