Counseling Session #12

Author's Note: Something that came to mind when I saw Martha Plimpton in the movie Parenthood over the holidays.

Let me know your thoughts.

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"I'd like to talk about your partner, Donald Ressler," Dr. Fulton said as she crossed one leg over the other.

"Ressler?" Liz asked with a surprised expression.

"You're attracted to him," Dr. Fulton smiled at her.

Liz chuckled and turned slightly pink. "I have not said that."

"I know," Dr. Fulton nodded.

"And it would be a breach of FBI employee…" Liz started.

"When have you ever cared about the rules, Liz?" Dr. Fulton asked, sitting forward slightly.

Liz scoffed.

"You and I both know that anything you say here, unless you are saying you are going to harm yourself or someone else, is confidential, even if it breaches FBI protocols."

Liz nodded and looked out the window.

"Has anything ever happened between you two?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz barked out a laugh.

"Is that a no?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz looked down at her lap and played with her fingers.

"Is that a yes?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz bit her lip and looked up at her.

"Oh, that's surprising," Dr. Fulton smiled. "He's such a rule-follower. The opposite to you, actually."

"He's not," Liz smirked. "He…"

Dr. Fulton sat and waited for her to continue.

"He is about some things but others…" Liz hedged.

"Like what?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz leaned forward on her knees and looked at the doctor. "Like if he feels enhanced interrogation would help us save people then…"

"I'm not talking about work, Liz," Dr. Fulton said. "You seem hesitant to talk about this aspect of your life, always hesitant to talk about him. I am interested in…why?"

Liz swallowed hard and sat back again, playing with the edge of her chair with her finger.

"We can move on, if you're uncomfortable," Dr. Fulton said.

"I am," Liz said as she shifted.

"Okay then…" Dr Fulton started.

"No, I'm uncomfortable with my feelings for him, my…with what is between us…" Liz hedged.

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"We've…uh, we've kissed and…" Liz started.

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"We've not had sex," Liz clarified.

"Uh huh," Dr. Fulton nodded. "Do you want to?"

Liz bit her lip and nodded.

"But things have got physical between you two?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz nodded.

"Once? Frequently?" Dr. Fulton asked.

Liz sat back and sighed loudly.

"I am still looking for the person who killed Tom," Liz said. "I feel like…I feel like I can't move on until that's resolved."

"Okay," Dr. Fulton nodded. "Those feelings are normal."

"Yeah, but I want to," Liz said as she leaned forward excited. "But I think it'll mess us both up even more than what's going on now."

"How so?" Dr. Fulton asked.

"How can I live in two places, three places really," Liz asked. "The place where I'm Tom's wife who loves him and wants to get justice for him. The place where I've sent Agnes away because I can't be the mom I want to be, the mom she deserves, for her. And the place where I want Ressler. Like, I want him."

"Define 'want'" Dr. Fulton said.

Liz looked at her with raised eyebrows.

"Okay, do you only want him sexually?" Dr. Fulton asked.

"No," Liz answered quickly.

Dr. Fulton waited for her to continue.

"I have feelings for him," Liz said as she sat forward and wiped her hands together briskly.

Dr. Fulton waited again.

"I uh," Liz stammered.

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"I know he's…he's…" Liz stammered.

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"I know when I fully give myself over to him…to…to…us," Liz said quietly as she looked out the window.

The room grew incredibly quiet.

"It's going to be amazing," Liz smiled, not meeting the doctor's eyes. "He's…I know he's…"

Liz shifted and re-crossed her legs.

"I love Tom in a way that I love Tom," Liz said with a smirk. "I'm not sure I can explain…"

"I think you're doing fine," Dr. Fulton re-assured her.

"I love Tom," Liz said, reassuring herself. "But I don't know if that love is…complete?"

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"It started as real on my side, but obviously fake on his," Liz said. "And when I found out it was fake…I think I really had to think about…everything."

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"Whereas Ressler…" Liz smiled.

She sat back and played with her bottom lip.

"We started out as…" Liz chuckled. "We started out as enemies. Then he became my best friend. He's supported me through choices he didn't agree with. Supported my marriage. Supported my career, my role as a mother, my relentless pursuit for answers about Tom and Reddington and my mother and…he's always there. Always putting me first, it's never about him."

Dr. Fulton nodded. "Which is different than Tom?"

Liz gave her a knowing look.

"I want to do this right," Liz said. "For him as much as for me. And I feel like I can't do that until I release Tom. Which is silly because I'm not sure when I saw 'I love Tom' that it means what love really is, do you know what I mean?"

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"What I feel for Ressler…it feels different," Liz said quietly. "Better…more…"

She took a deep breath and turned to meet the doctor's eyes.

"But I'm not a saint, and neither is he," Liz said with a chuckle. "We've…explored what's between us, a little. And, if that's any indication of what it could be like…the depth of…of…of…feeling and intensity… then, uh…"

She smiled broadly her cheeks turned bright pink.

Dr. Fulton smiled at Liz.

"You'll get there," Dr. Fulton smiled. "You want it enough."

Liz nodded and smiled.

"How's he with this?" Dr. Fulton asked.

"Frustrated," Liz chuckled. "But patient."

Dr. Fulton smiled.

"He's…incredible," Liz said. "He was, actually, the first one to make a move."

"He was?" Dr. Fulton asked, surprised. She was sure Liz initiated anything between them.

"And he's happy we're moving forward," Liz said. "Even if it's glacial-slow."

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"He knows we'll get there," Liz said with a smile. "He knows."

Dr. Fulton nodded.

"He makes you happy," she observed.

"Incredibly," Liz smiled.

"So, Liz, this isn't a question I think you can answer right now, but maybe something I'd like you to think about so we can discuss him again," Dr. Fulton said.

Liz nodded.

"Why are you keeping yourself from that feeling of happiness?" Dr. Fulton asked. "Can you not explore this with Donald and bring Tom's killers to justice and get Agnes back?"

Liz looked at her perplexed.

"Have you possibly built up the transition to Donald in your head more than you need to?"

Liz turned and looked out the window.

"Is it less about 'messing things up' as you said earlier and more about you trying to do things 'right' as you think the outside world would perceive them? That you need to be done with Tom before others would accept you are with Donald? He doesn't seem to have issue with you bridging. Could it be your fear of getting it wrong again with another man that is keeping thing 'glacial-slow' as you put it?"

Liz chuckled. "That's way more than one question."

Dr. Fulton laughed with her.

"It's something I'd like you to think about," she smiled as she closed her book and put it down on the table next to her with her pen.

"So, because it was a mess with Tom, I'm trying to get everything in line and perfect thinking that it will keep anything with Ressler from becoming a mess, but that's…not reasonable?"

"It's up to you to decide what's reasonable and not reasonable in your life," Dr. Fulton said, standing.

Liz stood.

"The point of these sessions is to ask the uncomfortable questions," Dr. Fulton explained. "It doesn't mean the answers are apparent or clear or comfortable either."

To be continued? The end? I'm not sure…..

Dr. Fulton would be asking me right now "why do you feel the need to constantly start new WIPs when you have WIPs that you enjoy writing and need to also finish?" Good question Dr. Fulton!