Chapter 158: The Ball Part IV
It hadn't been easy to escape the masses of well-wishers, but Elizabeth had used her wily ways, getting Godfrey to distract everyone with drinks, so they could slip out on the balcony for a bit of fresh air!
Standing silently behind a Lilac-covered trellis, where Charles and Emily had just been standing near the balcony's edge, and having heard every single word, Nathan Grant chuckled, his eyes sparkling.
"I believe my wife just lost one of her long-term suitors. Are you okay, my Darling?"
She hit his chest and gave an exasperated sigh.
"Nathan Grant! If you don't know by now that man was never my suitor, at least not in my mind, I don't know what I'm going to do with you!"
"Oh, I can think of about a million things, Mrs. Grant!"
"The problem is, Dear Husband, so can I," she blushed. "Nathan, will you please walk in the garden with me?"
"I'd love to, but how do we get there? Jump?"
She laughed liltingly.
"The elevator, of course!"
"Elevator? Are you serious?"
She pulled him behind her over to a Wisteria and Ivy-covered corner, and sure enough, there was a glass and wrought-iron framed elevator hidden among the Ivy, just big enough for the two of them.
Nathan opened the slightly creaky door and helped corral Elizabeth's gown inside the entrance, both of them laughing at this new adventure.
"Are you sure this thing is safe?"
"We won't know till we try!" she chuckled.
"Okay, we're in! Now, what do we do to get this thing moving?" he asked.
"I push the button, Silly!"
He laughed as his wife pushed the secret hidden button.
But when she turned, he couldn't resist kissing her, and she kissed him back just as passionately, glass and all, till the rickety old elevator landed in the garden with a thud, and Nathan reached to open the door, pulling himself away from his wife's lips so as not to get caught like teenagers.
"This direction!" she ordered.
She ran flirtatiously through the garden and he had to do the same to keep up, but keep up he did.
"Hey, you said a 'walk' in the garden," he called.
"Oops, did I? I meant a run through the garden and walk to the Seaside."
He hesitated because he knew how far away it was.
"But your parents! Won't they miss us?"
"They'll understand, Love! Come! Come, quickly!"
He took one look at her face and couldn't refuse her anything, and so he kissed her once more, as she looped her arm in his, while they walked ahead, blissfully alone and even more blissfully awol.
She leaned her head on his shoulder as they slowly moved forward as one body into the night.
They had noticed scattered couples in the garden, but now they were truly alone, and it felt wonderful, magical, and even a bit naughty.
The summer moon shone over them, and as they got closer and closer to the water, the sky seemed to clear, causing the stars to twinkle even more brightly.
The pathway and coastline were lined with tall gas post lamps that created reflective illuminations that danced across the water, offering just enough light that they could clearly see each other's faces as they neared them, their profound love for each other so clearly written there.
"Listen!" called Nathan.
"I don't hear anything!"
"It's bliss. The rhythmic constancy of the waves moving in and out."
"Ah, yes! I've always loved that sound. This is one of my favorite places in the whole world. I had to share it with you. It was part of our backyard growing up and most beautiful in the moonlight!"
"You're most beautiful in the moonlight," and he kissed her again.
They walked some more, hand in hand, till finally, they were almost at the water's edge, but Elizabeth suddenly and sharply turned right, leading him into what looked like a thicket.
She grabbed his hand and pulled him through.
Nathan was astounded.
"Talk about a secret garden!" he mused.
There were roses everywhere.
"See that little stone house? This is where Viola, Julie, and I played growing up. Come, sit with me!"
There was an old rusted wrought iron bench just big enough for two sitting at the water's edge on a stone patio that appeared to match the miniature house and path that connected it.
"This is a stunning spot, Lisbeth. So beautiful!"
"It could be perfect."
"I think it pretty much is!"
"Not quite yet! At least not for me. I know you said to wait for us to talk, but I can't stand it any longer, and when we go back to our bedroom, I want everything clear between us, so we can just love each other without any clutter caused by me. It is still our Honeymoon, you know! Please, can we talk now? We have the time and the privacy here," she urged.
He first sighed, almost dreading the conversation, but knew it had to be done.
So, he nodded slowly and led her to the bench, where they sat tightly nestled together.
"Where did all these roses come from?" he asked curiously.
"Granda planted them with us girls. The gardener helped us as well, of course, but we girls really did do a lot of it, I promise! And then there was Granda directing the whole expedition. You should have seen it! Our poor gardener didn't know what had hit him! I'm pretty sure he threatened to quit!"
"Now that, I can totally see," he chuckled. "Granda in charge!"
"Nathan," she grew serious again as she grabbed both his hands.
He evaded looking directly at her, not trusting himself at all to do so.
All he wanted was to take her burdens away, yet he didn't know how, and as it were, her troubles were troubling him.
"Three days ago, I realized we had passed the number of days Jack and I were married. I don't know why, but that scared me horribly and I panicked, thinking we were doomed too. That our happiness couldn't last. That something awful would break our marriage because we were too happy. That it was just a matter of time before it all happened, just like it did before. And the time was here, now. I thought we were going to lose our babies, and that we would even lose each other."
He turned to look at her, trying to fathom what she was saying, what she was feeling.
"It's just that we're so happy. And I haven't been used to 'happy' these last few years. In truth, I'm happier than I've ever been, Nathan, and I got so very scared that I was going to lose all of it, us too, you too, just like I lost Jack."
He still remained silent, but his heart was breaking that she had been holding all this in.
He had suspected she was grieving for Jack all over again. He also knew if that was the case, she needed to talk this through, out loud, out in the open. And he was determined to give her all the time she needed to do just that.
"I know now that I was being irrational, but I couldn't shake the feeling then. I couldn't admit my weakness to you either, which was so very wrong of me. For that, my Love, I am so deeply sorry. It was just horrible of me to shut you out. I should have told you what I was feeling right then and not let that awful fear grow back inside me."
He held onto her hands, moving his thumbs over her palms reassuringly, still not saying a word.
And even though he was trying his best to hide it, she could see the hurt in his eyes, that she had put there because she hadn't included him, she hadn't trusted him.
"I know I shut you out, Nathan, just like Jack used to shut me out in certain decision-making processes. I hated it, and here I've done the exact same thing to you. With Jack, I never knew what was happening until after it had been decided. Whether it was going to the Northern Territories or going for the Training Mission, I didn't know what he was going to do till after he had decided it. We didn't do it together, not really, not like we should have, hashing it out back and forth. Sometimes we talked minimally, but we never truly discussed things equally, not like you and I do, and the reality was when it came to working, Jack ultimately made those decisions. So, when I heard you had left to meet the Commissioner, I reacted very poorly to Godfrey, even though I know you would have told me if you could have. Why am I jumbling everything together? The past, the present, and the future?"
She moved her hands to cover her face, truly ashamed.
All they could hear were the rushing waves bashing against the earth, in and out, as torturously as Elizabeth's troubled mind, sitting there as husband and wife with the sides of their bodies touching from their shoulders, arms, and legs to their ankles and feet.
Frustration, passion, and turmoil were fighting against this beautiful Seaside backdrop of perfection, but there was also no doubt that a deep palpable love was also present throughout.
Yet as much as he wanted to, Nathan couldn't speak, at least not yet.
She shivered, and he gallantly got up and took off his tux jacket, wrapping it around her shoulders, loving her so much, that he thought his heart would break.
He didn't trust himself to speak, as this was not how he wanted their marriage to go.
He simply sat back down on the bench next to her, sharing the warmth of his body with her in the cool night breeze, giving her all he had to offer.
His heart longed for her to conquer whatever this fear was.
He just wanted them both fully present in their marriage. But something was pulling her back. Taking her back to her past when she least expected it.
Truly, he didn't feel it was his place to tell her what to do.
But then again, if her husband couldn't help her, who could, who would?
He felt as torn as he had thought he would when he had been pondering all this in the Limousine returning home from the Base, wanting to offer her privacy, but also direction and support.
But how?
After much more silence, Elizabeth finally spoke again.
"I don't like who I am when I get like this, Nathan, I become someone I don't even know, nor like! I never used to be afraid like this. What can I do to be fearless again? And why am I blaming Jack for things that are long done?"
Silence once more, but then Nathan finally spoke.
"Lisbeth, I'm a brother to Jack by profession, and as thus, you won't ever hear me say a negative word about him. Though I didn't have the privilege of knowing him personally, I know from you, Bill, and others that he was a most excellent man. Which tells me if he had reasons for keeping you out of the decision-making process, then I have to believe they were very valid ones."
She looked at him, taking in his words.
But then Elizabeth sputtered, letting her fear creep back in.
"Does that mean you are going to do the exact same thing to me that Jack did?" she shrilled, thoroughly panicked.
He grabbed her hands again and tightened his grip, looking straight into her eyes in the semi-darkness.
"You know me better than that. I would never intentionally leave you out of anything. I can tell you from the past few days' experience, Elizabeth, it feels perfectly awful to be left out, and I would never do that to you willingly."
She was the one who had made him feel awful. She was the one who had shut him out. And she had done it, going back to that awful place grounded in fear, and mired in loss, great loss.
"Always do what you're afraid to do," she muttered aloud, remembering the beautiful plaque Nathan had carved for her so long ago. (*129)
"Why can't I do that now?"
More silence.
Then softly, Nathan spoke.
"Elizabeth, who are you married to?"
She answered in her head without thinking.
And when she heard the words aloud, she was thunderstruck.
"Jack and you, of course."
She groaned.
"No, Nathan, I didn't mean that. I meant that I was married to Jack and I am now married to you! You know that's what I meant."
"I know that, but my Darling, do you truly know that? You were married to Jack and you yourself have told me you loved him with all your heart. Elizabeth, that is all any woman can give a man. That's all any man can ask of a woman. Her all. Do you feel guilty for loving me?"
The question took her unawares.
Nathan got up and walked to the water's edge, wanting to dive in and just swim as far away from this conversation as he could, yet knowing he couldn't.
She walked up to him, crying softly, but he didn't know how to comfort her.
She had to work through all this in order for them to survive and thrive as a couple.
He couldn't just keep putting a bandaid on everything. That seemed to only make things worse for his wife. And that was the last thing he wanted!
"As long as you feel you are still married to Jack, you can't fully be married to me. Sometimes fear plays dirty tricks, Elizabeth. I admit I don't know what to do about all this, but we can't ignore what you are going through, and you can't go through this alone."
She noticed he had not once called her his Lisbeth, and how she longed to hear that particular name. Her favorite name. His pet name for her made her feel cherished and meant more to her than anything.
She was now starting to sob softly by his side, and he became worried for their unborn babies, but he didn't know what to do, so they simply stood at the water's edge.
"It's you I love, Nathan!"
"This isn't a competition, Elizabeth. It has never been a competition between Jack and me. As I said we are brothers. Only you have made it so."
Her body now visibly shook.
Concerned for both her and their twins, he turned and walked her back to the bench and seated her there, then knelt down before her.
"I have laid my soul bare to you and even privately to Jack at the cemetery. I don't know what else to do to make you fearless again. To convince you we are living a different life from the life you lived with Jack. You see, marriages are sacred, Elizabeth, yet life happens. Although, that doesn't mean life repeats itself in the same way over and over again."
"My mind knows that, it's my heart that strays at the most unexpected moments."
"Then don't let your heart stray, leave your heart with me as you promised at our Wedding. I will guard it with my life, I will protect it and cherish you the whole while."
"You have my heart, Nathan, completely. You truly do. But is all this really that simple?"
"It is if you let it be, my Darling, it truly is. You know, as much as you've told me," and he rose to sit by her once more, taking her hands. "I still wasn't and am not part of your first marriage though I respect it immensely. I'm only part of your present marriage. And the truth is I need a wife who can trust me implicitly. That's all I need. A wife I can share everything with and a wife who will share everything, both good and bad, with me! And love me completely no matter what."
She looked up at him as he tilted her chin.
"Do you love me completely, Elizabeth? No matter what?"
"I love you more than completely, Nathan, no matter what! I love you so much that if I lost you…"
"Shhh! Don't you see I love you that much too, possibly more?"
Suddenly, the helplessness vanished, and he knew what to do, or at least what to do to try and get her to see.
He smiled ever so gently and moved to reach inside his pants pocket to pull out his handkerchief.
He then opened it up and laid it across her lap, over her beautiful blue ballgown.
Then he reached down before him and picked up five flat pebbles from the many that were lying about their feet.
"Here's your anxiety, Lisbeth…" and he placed one stone on his handkerchief.
She gasped, he had finally used his special term of endearment for her.
"Here's your guilt, Lisbeth," and he placed the second stone.
"Here's your grief, Lisbeth," and he placed the third stone.
"Here's your worry, Lisbeth," and he placed the fourth stone.
"And here is the biggest stone of all, your fear of the unknown, Lisbeth," and he placed the larger fifth stone among the others.
"That about sums it up," she admitted. "All my burdens."
"No, I think there's one more."
He reached back into his pocket and pulled out a pearl.
"This is your happiness, Lisbeth, and despite what you think, it is pure, it is unblemished, it is untouched. But as I see it, you've treated it as a burden you're unworthy of, not a joy that you deserve," and he placed the pearl in among the five stones.
"You control all of this, Lisbeth, the anxiety, the fear, the grief, the guilt, the worry, even your own happiness. It's all up to you. And because I love you, my own happiness is all tied up with yours. What are you going to do with them? Are you going to carry them with you everywhere we go?"
She pushed the five stones away from the pearl, then she gathered them in one hand and placed the pearl back in Nathan's hand, folding his long fingers around it.
"Come with me," she begged suddenly knowing what she had to do.
He helped her up while clutching the pearl safely in his hand for her.
She walked straight to the water's edge, with him following and standing just behind her.
"Can you help me?"
"As much as I want to, my Darling, I cannot. These are your burdens, you have to decide what you need and want to do with them. You hold our happiness in your hands as well, as I'm only temporarily and symbolically holding it for you.
"Will you hold these for me, too?"
He smiled with all the love a man can have.
"Now, that I can do," he nodded encouragingly.
She handed him all the stones, placing them in his other hand.
Then she took the first one back and stepped forward back toward the shore.
"As God is my witness, I know anxiety is a part of life, but I'm throwing my anxiety away for Him to take care of for me and remind me to always give it back to Him whenever it pops back up again, unwanted!"
She took the stone and threw it as far as she could, her long aim surprising her husband.
She smiled up at him tentatively and reached for the second stone.
"As God is my witness, I have spent my grief, playing it over and over, having paid the price, and I am now placing it in the past at my Father's feet, as well as at Jack's feet, praying it will never rob me of my present and future joy with Nathan again."
Her aim was precise and the pebble hit exactly where she wanted in the deepest waters she could possibly reach.
She smiled radiantly at her husband, feeling a giant weight lifted from her, as she quickly reached for the third stone.
"As God is my witness, my useless guilt is gone, and I will not allow it to return as I have nothing to feel guilty about! I gave you my all, Jack. My everything. My all. I truly did, Sweetheart."
She threw now with perfect aim, turning to reach for the fourth stone.
"As God is my witness, each time I start to worry, I will instead pray. Worry, I don't need you any longer! You are my enemy! And I refuse to offer you shelter!"
She threw the stone and it plopped with a wide splash, a splash reminding her that God would help her control her worry, too. She was not alone.
Feeling lighter and lighter, she reached for the last stone, her biggest stone, her stone of fear.
She looked up at her husband questioningly.
"There is another Emerson quote that goes along with your first, Lisbeth, 'Do that which you fear to do and the fear will die,' encouraged Nathan. (*130)
She stopped and stared at the stone, one of the things that she had allowed to control her as of late, and that wasn't at all like her.
Was she stronger than her fear? Strong enough to banish it and make it disappear forever?
"As God is my witness, He is stronger than my fear, and I ask that He gives me strength to overcome my fear, and cause my fear to die away, till it's spent and powerless so that it can hurt me no longer."
Elizabeth moved even closer to the water, so close that Nathan shifted quickly to put his arm around her waist and make sure she remained safe, then she threw with all her might.
There was a loud, heavy plop, as though the Sea itself didn't want this burden, but she was determined to give it away anyway.
She would not allow fear to destroy her.
She simply would not.
It had already taken way too much.
Anger welled up inside her as she began to realize just what fear had already robbed her of and had she not taken control, she knew would have robbed her of everything, taking the very things away from her she feared losing most.
But now, 'fear' was just four little letters of the alphabet. And the power they had over her was gone into the depths of the Sea. So powerful before, yet so insignificant now.
She had finally won.
The thoughts brought freedom mixed with tears.
The couple stood there silently, till she wrapped her arms around her Husband.
"That's it! I did it! My burdens, they're all gone, Nathan, into the Sea exactly where they belong."
"Are you sure, Lisbeth?" then Nathan held up the pearl.
She took the pearl and held it up to the dark skies, under the light from the gas post lights.
The pearl's luster glistened in the golden light with an incomparable iridescence, just like the summer moon. This was no ordinary pearl. It was as though it held some special power.
"As God is my witness, this pearl represents my happiness, a gift from God and from my husband, a pure joy that I do deserve. This, I choose to keep as a constant reminder that I'm worthy of my present and future happiness. My happiness is pure like this pearl. It is unblemished and untouched, and it doesn't compete or compare with my past. It's my beautiful here and now, as well as my extraordinary future. Thank you for my gift of happiness, Dear God, and thank you for my gift of happiness, Dear Husband."
She lifted the pearl once more, but this time for Nathan to see.
And suddenly, she could see its magnificence, reflecting the same magnificence of happiness, that beautiful gift she had tried to shun.
"Where did you find this pearl?" she asked taking in its perfection more fully.
"I didn't. It belonged to Colleen, although she never had it set. I've carried it with me every single day since she died, reminding me of her happiness, because she crammed a lot of happiness into her short life amidst all the sadness and turmoil, Lisbeth, and I wanted, needed to remember the happiness over all the rest."
"Oh, Nathan, I can't possibly keep this."
"Colleen has already given it to you, from sister to sister. I think that's what she would want, and I know it's what you need to remind you that just like Colleen, you too, deserve all the happiness this world can give. Your happiness, Lisbeth, just like this pearl is new, pure, unblemished, and untouched by the past, and it's just waiting right here, right now, for you to embrace and enjoy."
She clutched the pearl inside her tight fist, hanging onto it for dear life while embracing her husband in a way neither was sure either could ever let go.
She was now fully his, without the anxiety, grief, guilt, worry, and dastardly fear of the past.
Deep in her soul, she was now only married to Nathan Grant.
And above all else, she felt free for the first time in a very long time.
With only happiness left to embrace, her happiness as an individual, their happiness as a couple, and the Grants' happiness as a family, she was more excited than she had been since their Wedding Day!
He touched her face softly, tenderly, so very proud of what she had just done.
"You, Wife, are radiant."
"You, Husband, are brilliant!"
Nathan chuckled as he bent to kiss her couture gown-covered tummy twice, emphasizing each word.
"You, you lucky Little Munchkins, are going to have the most beautiful, happy, loving, wonderful Mama in the whole wide world…"
(*129) 'Always do what you're afraid to do,' Quote, Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882, Public Domain
(*130) 'Do that which you fear to do and the fear will die,' Quote, Ralph Waldo Emerson, 1803-1882, Public Domain