"Twelve months?" Arya whispered softly to herself as she laid on her back and stared up at the night sky, between Fírnen and the large fire they both decided they wanted. Her hands rested on her stomach, which seemed to protrude just a little bit more than last week and it made her uncomfortable.
They left Palancar Valley a little more than a week ago, which was harder to do than she expected. She and Katrina spoke again before it was time to leave, and again she was reassured that she would be fine and also that she shouldn't worry so much. She almost ran when Katrina offered to let her hold Ismira after she shyly admitted that she's never held a baby before. If Fírnen hadn't been behind her to hold her in place, she would have. He only pressed a single claw to her back, but it was enough to make her stay.
It ended up being fine though. Well, mostly fine. Ever since this all began Arya hasn't been able to shake the constant nagging of her insecurities. That, coupled with the multiple changes her body is silently going through, she felt ready to break down at any given moment or to lash out in suppressed anger. She despises that fact with literally every fiber of her being because she's quickly realizing that she's losing control of herself. Katrina, however, assured her that all of it was normal.
After successfully torturing her for a few minutes, Katrina took Ismira back the third time Arya tried to return the child. She was starting to panic, and it was getting harder and harder to hide the longer she held the little girl. Katrina was beginning to pick up on the Elf's distress and decided to let her relax.
Roran was kind, despite his overall quiet demeanor throughout their trip. Fírnen is insistent that Eragon's cousin is intimidated by her, which is quite possible, considering she's the Elven Queen. He still has no idea about her pregnancy and while she feels… not the greatest about it, she did release Katrina from her restrictive oath. The oath was then redesigned so Katrina could tell Roran if she wished. From there, the young woman memorized the revised oath, which she would then teach to Roran once he knew. In turn, Arya promised to send letters on a regular basis. She also promised to inform Katrina of when she was close to her due date and welcomed them both back to Ellesméra at any point in time. Family matters, and she intends to keep their relationship as strong as possible.
Arya rolled over onto her side and felt the warmth from the flames on her face, then closed her eyes to the brightness. She tucked her right arm under her head, but also let her left stay securely wrapped around her midsection. "Twelve months…" she sighed again, feeling her chest squeeze.
"You're already a little more than two months in, so really, you have a bit less than ten months left. That's not so much longer than a nine-month pregnancy." Fírnen said, gently nudging her with his snout.
"I know, but it's so… daunting." She replied a little shakily. It wasn't easy reading the first chapter of her book. "You know, my pelvic bone is literally stretching and shifting in response to his existence? It won't go back unless I use magic."
"Why would you want to do that?" He questioned curiously.
"I don't know… part of me wants things to go back to the way they were. Having a baby is… well you know how I feel about it." She let her thumb rub gently over her small bump, flighting the spike of self-consciousness that pulsed through her body. "I'm just not ready…" She sighed gently and turned over onto her back again. She stared at the sky, though her vision was starting to blur because talking about it made her emotional, just like pretty much everything else does. She blinked and swallowed back the nervous energy as her hands explored the gentle swell between her hips.
Fírnen reached over and gently touched his warm snout to the spot next to her left hand and closed his eyes. "I'll always be here, Arya, for both of you." He hummed deeply and she could feel the vibrations through the ground. She looked over at him and offered a soft smile as she pressed her hand against the side of his face. "I know you're scared, and I want to do everything I can to help you, because I love you both."
Arya's smile livened a little bit. "I'm sensing a 'but' somewhere in there."
He sat up and sighed, causing the flames to flicker and she shifted, allowing her hand to return to lay atop her stomach. The Gedwëy Ignasia marking has been glowing brighter than before when her palm nears her child like this. She wonders if other Riders have experienced this in the past. She can't be the only female Rider who has been pregnant… can she?
"You need to tell Eragon." He said gently and Arya stared at him with a slightly helpless look before she pulled herself upwards and stood. She brushed off her pants and shirt, then walked off into the light forest they rested in without another word.
Fírnen watched after her and sighed quietly to himself. He knew that was a touchy subject to his Rider, but she needed to confront it eventually. Otherwise it would begin to eat away at her insides.
Now further into the forest and far out of sight, Arya couldn't suppress the shaky inhale that escaped before she let herself fall to her knees next to a tree. Feeling the weight suddenly press on her shoulders, her body felt as though it were cracking and about to shatter. She wrapped her arms around her waist in a futile attempt to hold herself together, but to no avail. A quiet sob escaped from between her lips and she couldn't help the many more that followed, nor did she want to. That weight hurt in a unique and painful way, and she's been ignoring it for the past three weeks.
Her emotions over the matter have been brimming at the surface, and as each day passes, the more dreadful it gets. She knows she needs to tell Eragon because this means she is going to be a mother and he is going to be a father. They were going to be parents.
She sat down with her back against the tree and pulled her knees close. Her fingers tore anxiously at the cuticles of her fingernails until most of them were broken and bleeding, but she still hates the fact that tears are still falling down her cheeks. She hates that she's felt so weak these past few weeks, and that it only seems to be getting worse. She despises getting teary-eyed and emotional, and that's happening all the time, but she can't help it.
She squirmed a little bit when the negative thoughts returned. She was offered momentary peace from the subject while she focused on her hatred for what she perceived as her constant meekness. The weight returned and she sank, both physically and mentally.
How would he react?
She didn't know, honestly. She knew his name, his True Name, but that gave little insight into determining his reaction to something he's never personally experienced. He had every right to be angry with her. After all, it was her who went to him during their time in Ilirea. Her body was uniquely uncomfortable, and she felt uncharacteristically vulnerable. As it turned out, so did he. They talked, but the tension grew worse. She's never felt the need to do any of the things they ended up doing that night up until those moments when they were together. Her decisions may not have been entirely her own, but the things she felt and the decision that they felt good, were her own. She's never experienced something like that before; the extreme tension that pooled within her belly. It felt like winding a stringed instrument, though uncertain of when the string would snap. It ended up leaving her in constant anticipation until enough tension was placed on both of them. Together, they snapped.
Arya jerked herself away from those thoughts, eyes wide and cheeks aflame. No, she hadn't meant to think about that, but she did and resultantly she felt uncomfortable again.
This time she tried thinking about Eragon's reaction to her news, but she was horrified to find it didn't work. She cursed under her breath and stood.
She tried thinking about the baby and how he was temporarily weakening her ability to use magic. She tried reasoning with herself that it's why Fírnen could so easily break into her mind like he did all those weeks ago. She tried thinking about how the baby grew rapidly within the first few weeks to get him prepared for developing his own inherited theurgical skills. Only then would he return to a normal growth rate. It's why she's showing so soon. It should last until about week fourteen, the book said. She was only nine weeks along.
He kissed her.
She groaned loudly and decided a walk would be good. She was already pacing.
She kissed back.
"This isn't fair." She grumbled to herself.
"The book said it was normal." Fírnen chimed in and her eyes widened.
"You've been listening?!" She hissed, though she felt absolutely horrified.
"No, but I am capable of feeling what you feel, and I know you well enough to be confident in that you're frustrated about having titillated feelings over concupiscent thoughts. It's completely normal." He reasoned.
"Fine, so what if it's normal? I have no desire to feel it!" She shot back.
"Or perhaps you do and you're embarrassed to admit to it." He responded rather cheerfully.
"No, I'm not." She growled and crossed her arms over her chest.
"Yes, you are."
"No… I'm not." She said more pointedly.
"Yes, you are! My Rider can feel!" He cheered and Arya's face turned bright red with both embarrassment and anger. It wasn't often that he could mess with her, but when the rare opportunity presented itself, he's been known to fully exploit it.
"You're not funny if you think you're funny." She grumbled.
"I am funny, and you know it. You're just upset that I can see through you. Arya, you don't have to be embarrassed over it. I'm actually surprised you haven't explored yourself in that way at all. Not even with Fäolin." His tone became gentle and Arya leaned against a tree. She didn't want to think about that.
"I'm not going to do something if it's not necessary." She mumbled in response.
"On the same note, you do things for your own enjoyment even though they are not necessary for your survival. Why not give yourself a try?"
"No."
"It's normal, the book said it's healthy, everyone I've met does it. Unless they're you, in which case you haven't, but my point is, you may find relief in it. You enjoyed yourself with Eragon."
"I think it's strange that you know what other people have been doing." She still sounded annoyed, but she was also trying to steer the conversation away from Eragon.
"It's not like I look for it. There's a… specific scent that follows for a few hours afterwards."
Arya just sighed and started heading back to their camp, suddenly desiring sleep above all else.
"Okay, but that doesn't mean I have to. The book is a guide. It's not telling me what I need to do and what not to do." She said stormily as she walked through the woods.
"It says you shouldn't drink alcohol because it could harm the baby. It's telling you not to do that." Fírnen reasoned.
"Fine, your point is proven, but my point is not. The book recommended it, but it's not necessary. I don't have to do it if I don't want to." She reentered the clearing that housed their fire and the dragon she's bonded to.
"But you do want to. Your brain is telling you to do so. Your body is telling you to do so. The book is telling you to do so. Why are you ignoring that?"
"It makes me uncomfortable." She said as she sat down within his embrace and pulled her knees up to her body. She leaned against his belly and let her head roll back.
"You let Eragon help you."
She just sighed. "Yes, I know I did."
"You should help yourself, then. It won't hurt the baby, if that's what you're worried about. Just make sure your hands are clean."
Arya's cheeks pinkened. "You're juvenile." She muttered.
"And you're pregnant. You can be grumpy at me all you want, but I know you know that I'm right. You can deny it to your heart's content, but also know that it's okay to explore yourself." He offered a smile and she just shifted uncomfortably.
"Fine. I'll consider it." She mumbled.
"What was that?" He asked and she rolled her eyes.
"You heard what I said. This is possibly the most awkward conversation I've had with you. I hope you're pleased with yourself for making me more uncomfortable than I already am."
"Trust me, I am. You need to let yourself feel sometimes. You lock yourself away too often and I do worry for you. You internalize too much. It's okay to let go, and I know that can be hard, but at least work on it. You'll have to be more open when the baby arrives. He'll need you, so take care of yourself now. For right now, it does no good to be sexually frustrated. That stress isn't good for him." He said kindly and Arya just buried her face in her knees. It was embarrassing enough as it is.
"I said… okay, fine." She sighed; her voice muffled by the cloth of her pants. "You made your point and I'll listen, but not right now." she said pointedly.
"Fair enough, at least you agreed. You need to sleep anyway. It's getting late." He said happily and Arya proceeded to lay down and wrap herself in her blanket. His wing draped over her, encasing her in darkness.
"I can't believe you want me to practice onanism." She said with a laugh.
He chuckled deeply. "Goodnight, Bjartr Stjarna."
"Goodnight, Fírnen." She smiled and closed her eyes, then folded her hands over her stomach. Her voice dropped to a whisper. "Goodnight… um…" she thought for a moment. Perhaps not the name he would carry for the rest of his life, but maybe a temporary one, or an affectionately given one, would do for now. "Juniper." She said with finality.
"Juniper?" Fírnen asked and she opened her eyes again to look up in his general direction, despite having an entire wing in her way.
"Just a nickname as a placeholder until we decide on what to legitimately name him." Arya smiled fondly. "I don't know what else to call him and I'm long overdue to give him a nickname."
"Very good. Juniper it is then. Now, I hope both of you sleep well."
"You too, Fírnen. Sleep well. I'll see you in the morning." She smiled and closed her eyes.
It would be a long time before she got over the hilarity of their conversation. She'd remember it forever, though. That's for certain.
A/N: Dearest friends, I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much as I had fun writing it! I know it's short, but I've also been working on the next chapter simultaneously with this one, so that one will come along shortly, I think. Many thanks for your kind words in the comments and to this day, I have no idea how to respond, if that's even possible. I've never been good with technology.
Anyways, stay safe and healthy!
-Lady Arlo