Arya held a stone in her lap as she sat on the sandy bottom of her favorite lake, needing to get away from everyone for a little while.
The fresh set of unique gills along her ribs had been Angela's idea… and also her doing. Fírnen agreed it was a lovely idea and volunteered to help in any way he could, so together, he and Angela had worked quickly and efficiently. Arya had reluctantly agreed to give her consent. She wasn't regretting the decision now at all though.
This wouldn't be her first time having modified gills either, so she was already accustomed to breathing through her sides. It came as naturally as doing so through her nose or mouth. The only difference between her gills and fish gills was that her lungs were filled by the oxygen obtained from the water. Most fish, on the other hand, never had lungs in the first place.
Being able to breathe underwater just gave her the opportunity to escape. Besides, she got the impression that the baby liked it when she was underwater. Maybe he could sense that it relaxed her. The underground channels of heat that warmed the water made it many times better for her to stay entirely submerged for long periods and, recently, her skin was dry and uncomfortable. The water helped significantly with that too, which was partially why she was there so often.
"I sense our presence is needed in court soon." Fírnen mentioned as he waded through the water in the much deeper parts of their secluded lake.
"Oh I know…" she sighed. "I've never liked diplomatic accessories."
He stood stock still as he watched the bottom appear to ripple and wiggle from above the water's surface. "But that doesn't mean avoid it. King Orik is still here in Ellesméra and you two have barely given each other the time and courtesy of meeting regularly. He is in communication with Ellesméra's diplomats, but it would be appropriate if you turned up to show your engagement every so often. I would suggest you make moves to do so soon."
Arya's shoulders sagged. He was right: she had been neglecting her duties and her responsibilities to her friends, family, and fellow rulers.
It hadn't gone without cause though.
She looked down at herself and let her hands slide over her rounded front. A flash of anxiety struck her chest and she straightened. She felt like she'd be stared at; judged. The circumstances surrounding the conception of her child were looked down upon. A couple should only participate in sexual intimacy if strongly linked or trying for a child. She and Eragon weren't even in a relationship. Her arms slid to hug herself; holding herself close so hopefully she'd be comforted by the meager gesture.
Still scared. Still making attempts at being okay. Still trying to be excited about becoming a mother. Still failing at all of it as the darkness persisted.
"I know, Fírnen." She responded weakly. Yes, she did know. She knew better than anyone, but her self-consciousness was almost debilitating. If it weren't for her students, she'd never leave her room unless it was to fly with Fírnen or maybe eat. She hadn't been able to entertain a very good appetite recently, though so… maybe not even to eat.
"You need to let go of some of this guilt and loathing you hold yourself to. It's tearing you apart and I will not sit here and watch you wither either." He said sternly.
"That's easier said than done, Fírnen. You know how bad it's gotten." The baby kicked against her arm and she flinched. It was always easier when she played with him. She could expect it and prepare herself in that circumstance. It terrified her otherwise, and a fresh excess of guilt swam in her mind and heart.
"I do and I believe you need to talk to someone."
"I talk to you." She said pointedly.
"Someone other than me, Arya. You have Eila, Elva, Angela, Rhunön and Lord Däthedr. Orik and Eragon too. Let them in. They can help."
"I can do this on my own. I just have to… work on it." She stated petulantly.
"You've been working on it for four months now and you haven't gotten any better. Griishuul and Elva arrived a week ago and you're more shut-down than I've ever seen you. I understand that things are overwhelming, but you don't have to do it alone. Perhaps it would be worth it to ask Lord Däthedr to rule alongside you. He seems a good fit for the position and he was in charge after your mother's passing." He struck his face into the water with a massive splash and resurfaced with a large fish trapped in his jaws. He bit down and with a crunch, the creature stopped moving.
"Where is that coming from?!" She said in disbelief and shock.
"You need help with your duties. You're the Head Rider of Alagaësia, Queen of Ellesméra, the lead instructor for the next generation of Riders and you're expecting your first child. You should not be doing all of this on your own."
Arya looked almost horrified as she turned around to face him, despite his figure being many yards away and obscured by the ripples of the surface as she looked up through it in an attempt to meet his gaze. She could only see his feet because they were underwater, just like she was. "First child?!"
Fírnen mentally rolled his eyes. "Is that all you heard?" He huffed and curled his claws into the sand.
"What makes you think I want another one?! I'm having a hard enough time with this one as it is and he isn't even born yet." She shot, and not only a moment later did a blast of hurt and anguish sock her in the chest. Feelings of being unwanted, neglect, crushing solitude and the yearning for love overwhelmed her senses. At first it didn't make much sense as she tried to grapple for composure, but it didn't take her very long to realize the source of those feelings wasn't from her or Fírnen.
She gasped through her mouth, and suddenly wished she wasn't underwater. Her lungs filled with the suddenly seemingly cold liquid and she immediately couldn't breathe. Panic caused her limbs to freeze and she couldn't breathe… couldn't breathe…
Things became a blur after that. A muffled roar touched her ears and time seemed to freeze. Arms were locked around her and momentary and strange confusion set in.
She was on the shore before she could process it and a sickening taste of iron and brass coated her tongue as a series of strategically placed strikes to her sternum sent the water from her lungs and onto the sandy surface beneath her. Her body convulsed as she expelled the liquid from her body. A fit of coughing turned her insides to fire and it wasn't long before she lost whatever was left of her last meal.
"Breathe Sweetheart. Let yourself relax." A familiar and gentle voice spoke softly as she continued to cough up small amounts of water.
Her limbs thawed and in a delayed reaction, she struggled backwards as the urgency to pull herself out of the water reclaimed her mind, regardless of being on mostly dry land.
"Easy, easy… I've got you. It's okay." Angela, Arya was finally able to recognize.
She struggled against Angela's strong embrace for a few more moments before almost entirely succumbing to exhaustion. Angela sat and guided the Elf's head to lay in her lap, her hands cradling Arya's forehead and upper back.
Fírnen was already curled around Angela, worried and afraid for his Rider; ready to offer aid if needed. He let the tip of his tail curve around Arya's body, following her back, down over her hip to curl around her abdomen before laying to rest in her open hand. He was relieved when her fingers closed naturally around him.
"That's good, you're doing good. Just focus on breathing for me, alright?"
The words barely reached her. "Mhm." She hummed in a broken tone and it caused her to start coughing again. Angela rubbed her back and she buried her face in the Herbalist's lap once she'd calmed slightly.
The adrenaline was quickly wearing off and soon, the aches and pains had sharpened. Her lightweight shirt clung to her body as did her trousers, but she couldn't bring herself to care as the reality of the situation quickly started sinking in.
Her baby felt neglected and alone and unloved and it was all her fault.
Her eyes became unfocused as she waited for the rush of emotions that would break her, but they didn't come. She was just frozen once again, this time in self-loathing and regret and… more guilt, of course.
"Here, let's go back to my house and we can get you into a nice, warm change of clothes. Sound appealing?"
"Yes." Fírnen answered for her, understanding through their bond that she was unable.
"Very good. Fírnen, I think it might be best if you were to help us back to my home. It isn't far, I promise." Angela requested calmly.
Arya nodded and worked to push herself into a sitting position. "Oh, hey, easy. Be easy with yourself." The Herbalist spoke gently while she aided the Elf in sitting up.
When Angela eventually helped Arya stand, Fírnen let his strong tail hover around his Rider just in case she lost the strength to remain upright on her own two legs.
Arya coughed a few times into her elbow when the need arose. Her eyes were still dull and distant as her troubles plagued her.
Her son felt she didn't love him or care about him.
It confirmed her failures. It confirmed that her fears had caused this. She wanted to reassure him that she in fact did love him with all her heart and that she was just afraid. She just wasn't sure how. She hadn't been able to mentally connect with him. Maybe she wasn't trying hard enough?
Angela guided her to Fírnen, who had lowered himself as close to the ground as he could get, and helped her up. Once she was seated, Angela climbed up and sat behind her.
"Alright. We're ready." The Herbalist called kindly once they were situated, and Fírnen started down the slight hill that would take them to where they wanted to go. He made his gait as smooth as possible while he walked so as to not jostle his Rider too much. He worried immensely for her wellbeing and her mental health. He knew it hadn't been all that great since he helped her discover her pregnancy nearly four months ago.
Behind her, Arya could feel Angela massage the muscles that had been bothering her for weeks, trying to work with them so they pained her less. She might've been able to enjoy it had she not been so caught up in her mind. Both Angela and Fírnen knew to let her have her space, so their trip was taken mostly in silence.
Upon reaching the rather sizable cobblestone home, Fírnen bent down low again so his passengers could dismount. Angela climbed down first, then helped Arya next, who reluctantly accepted and carefully lowered herself to the ground.
"Thank you Fírnen." Angela said gently. "I'll be right out. I need to speak with you once I have her situated." She spoke mentally this time.
The green dragon bowed slightly in acknowledgement, then watched as Angela ushered Arya into her home. She closed the door behind them.
"Here, come sit in the sun on the back porch and dry off a bit. Let me get you a towel and a change of clothes."
Arya fiddled with her shirt anxiously, eyes still full of confliction and hurt and guilt. She looked up and nodded, then let her gaze fall away again.
Angela smiled softly, then gestured to the back door across the way. They stood in the living area and straight ahead was the kitchen. To their left was a set of stairs that resided in the transition between the kitchen and living area, and nearly directly across from the stairs was the back door.
Arya went first and Angela followed, but lingered in the doorway to make sure the Elf was seated comfortably before she disappeared back into her house.
"You're okay out here by yourself for a moment?" The Herbalist asked gently.
The Elven Queen took a deep yet shaky breath in and let it out. "Yes." She hesitated. "Thank you."
"Mhm, of course. I'll be right back." Angela tapped her fingers against the doorframe a few times before slipping back into her house leaving Arya alone.
Arya didn't want to be alone. She knew she wasn't alone because of the child that grew within her and the dragon she was paired to. That didn't mean she didn't feel alone.
The sensation of isolation that suddenly came over her was heavy and dreadful. Her baby actually felt unloved…
Her heart sank and with it, her shoulders. Her arms wrapped around her waist as she fought the tears that leaked from her eyes unbidden, but she couldn't help it. She had even blocked Fírnen from her mind. She knew that in his attempt to comfort her, he'd unintentionally make her more upset.
She jumped violently when Angela draped a towel over her shoulders, gathering her hair up so it wouldn't be under the absorbent cloth. "It's just me." She said gently as she pressed a kiss to the top of Arya's head. "How are you doing?" She said with slight exaggeration.
The Elf swallowed. "Fine."
"Oh now, you don't look fine. You've been crying." Today, Angela wasn't going to spare much of anything as she projected herself and her questions bluntly.
"I don't want to talk about this now."
"Then when? Go get dressed. There's a set of clean clothes for you on the bed in the spare room. It's right down the hall. We'll talk about this after that and I'm not taking 'no' for an answer. You've let your mental state get bad enough. We're going to talk this through so we can help you get better, okay?"
Arya's eyes watered when she looked up at Angela, but she nodded, reluctantly giving her consent.
"Fantastic, now here." She said as she held her hands out. Arya took them and the Herbalist helped her to her feet. She stiffened at her body's protests, wincing when she couldn't bear to hide it any longer. She looked away shamefully and Angela pressed a hand to her cheek. "We're going to talk about the pain you're in also. Look, you're not alone in any of this. I know Eragon isn't here, but that shouldn't mean he's the only source of comfort and solace in your life."
"I'm not dependent on him for anything." Arya grit her teeth.
"Then why do you refuse help? All of us, including and especially you, know you're unwell."
"Because I'm fine."
"Oh now that's a lie if I ever saw one. Look at these, under your eyes, you're not sleeping." Angela reached down and grabbed Arya's wrist and held it up. "And this, you're not eating. You look thinner than I've ever seen you despite carrying a child. Arya, you took better care of yourself when you were hiding this pregnancy. In Ilirea, you felt it was alright to not say anything to me or anyone when you thought you might be miscarrying. Pregnancy can make you feel vulnerable because it is scary, but being vulnerable doesn't make you weak. I'm sure I've said this before and if I haven't, so be it, you're hearing it now. All of us can try to get you to eat and sleep, but that doesn't mean you'll do it. You're hurting yourself by keeping silent about your struggles."
Arya straightened, eyes wide and shiny. She trembled as the lack of an excuse filled her. She exhaled quietly, then turned, and disappeared back into the house.
Angela sighed and sat in the chair next to the one Arya was in and gazed out into the forest. "Would you mind telling me," Angela began as she spoke mentally to the green dragon. "How bad she's truly gotten? I know Arya tends to hide her struggles and you better than anyone will know her shortcomings."
Fírnen stepped carefully around the house to sit across from the deck so he could face her and see her expressions. "Her lack of sleep is due to nightmares and her inability to eat comes from a recent increase in the frequency of the times she must vomit. I have tried to get her to speak to someone on her own, but she is afraid of being seen as weak. Eila, Elva, Eylörís, and Kitlàn have all come to me to express their worries. I believe even Griishuul and Au'lus are worried, though they are still warming up to being in Ellesméra and are dealing with their own needs as they adjust to a new way of life. I worry that I'll hurt her if I go behind her back. Her mental health is rather fragile and I, more than anyone, must tread carefully."
Angela nodded and let herself think and ponder over what to do. "Do you know of her nightmares? What does she dream about?"
"Childbirth. Sometimes she dies, sometimes she lives, sometimes the child dies, sometimes he lives. I've never felt such fear from her before in those moments before she lays her head down to go to sleep, and especially the moments when she wakes. She is terrified to sleep and she is running on fumes. I've expressed to her that she needs help with her duties as Queen and I've even suggested that she allow Däthedr to rule as King alongside her to help with the weight. I'm not so sure about how much of that made it into her mind, however."
Angela nodded. "I understand. Then I'll be a little bit more careful with her while we talk."
"You may want to speak with her soon. Her… mental state has declined and I believe she would benefit from your solace. I would wait for a short span to let her process the things she's feeling on her own before lending aid."
The Herbalist looked pointedly at him. "How would you suggest approaching her?"
"Any way you feel is fit. You know her well, Mysterious One."
"Then I'll be on my way. Perhaps I'll clean the kitchen for a little while. Thank you for the information you were able to supply." She stood and bowed with a light smile.
"No… thank you for doing what I am unable." He bowed to her with a soft, contented grumble in his throat.
Angela chuckled lightly in reply, nodded, then made her way back into her house.
A/N: Surprise! I'm back!
I think it's time we check up on Arya and see how she's doing :)
I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything and I am truly sorry about that! Lemme tell you, school sucks and so do finals, but they're out of the way now and I'm slightly less stressed. Delightfully, though, I'm so happy to inform that I did ask my special lady for her hand in courtship and she accepted so I'm a very elated camper! That said, I'm attempting to find a good balance still, and that was definitely a part of my absence :)
On another note, this chapter is sort of half a chapter because if I had kept going, it would've been well over twelve pages long, therefore, I do have a good portion of the next chapter written and planned, so hopefully that'll be out for you all to read and again, hopefully enjoy!
Now, I want to thank all of you who have stuck with this fic ever since the beginning, one year and three days ago, officially! I've gained so much confidence as a writer and it's been such a pleasure to become a part of this community through writing and sharing a fan-made storyline that has come to mean so much to me and hopefully, all of you as well. I've had to re-write a significant portion of this fic because I was unhappy with it, and it's amazing how you all stuck with me even in those times. We've made it so far, and I look forward to the future. Your comments and kudos and likes and all of that have kept me engaged and excited to put material out for you all to read, and truly, it has made my year so much better. Once more, forever and always, THANK YOU :)
-Lady Arlo