Chapter 49 - Love is all you need
Soon it was time to prepare dinner. They had bought the ingredients for a healthy salad. As there hadn't been any fresh fish, Martin had chosen a tin of tuna fish to add to it. For James he prepared some potatoes and green beans and a bit of the tuna fish, but he let cool down some of the vegetables to add some substance to the salad.
"That was a delicious salade Nicoise, Martin.", Louisa said while putting down her knife and fork.
"Yes, thank you", Martin answered.
He was still very quiet and he seemed to be focussed on his son. Martin helped James with his food. He presented him the spoon and when the boy tried to grab it, he gently said "not today James, I'm not in the mood for your messy table manners". James grabbed a finger of his father's left hand instead and squeezed his chubby little fingers firmly around it. Normally, Martin would strongly disaprove this, since his son had splashed his hand in his food just seconds before. But this time Martin just gazed at his son and continued feeding him his last spoonful of beans and potato mash.
Louisa looked at her two men, uncertain if she should worry about Martin or not. She searched her memory, but couldn't recall that anything happened during the day that could have upset him. She didn't recall saying something that could have ignated anger or sadness either, she thought.
"Well, never meet trouble half way, Mrs. E.", she encouraged herself. She stood up and started to clear the table. After that, she prepared some cheese and apple for Martin and herself and half a banana for James. They finished their dinner quietly. It was time for James' bath and bedtime story.
"Martin, shall we split tasks? Will you take care of James while I do the dishes and clean the kitchen?"
"Yes, of course, but wouldn't you prefer to do James? I know you're not particularly fond of kitchen cores..."
Louisa walked to where Martin was seated, put an arm around his shoulders and said
"Even if I would, that doesn't mean that you should always pick the shortest straw, Martin!" and kissed him softly on his mouth. His eyes softened and he gave her a kiss in return. "I love you Louisa", he said.
"I know and I love you too! Now get out of my kitchen you two, otherwise James will fall asleep with his nose in his plate", she added jokingly, but she wasn't far from the truth. James fought against sleep in his high chair.
Martin lifted him up and carried him towards the bathroom. Martin quickly took off his jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Then he opened the tap, dug up James' favourite yellow bath duck from the baby bag and undressed the boy. He checked the water temperature and added a bit of baby soap to it. He judged that everything was allright and carefully put his son in the tub. James loved his bath and splashing water was his biggest fun. He squealed every time his little duck dissapeared and reappeared in the soapy waves. In the meantime Martin was able to wash the boy from head to toe. James laughed and felt safe in the water with daddy around to prevent him from falling when he nearly slipped.
When the water cooled down, Martin lifted James out of the bath tub and wrapped him in a soft, warm towel. A couple of minutes later, James was ready for his bedtime story. Martin had pre-selected three of the books Louisa had packed for the holidays. "Which book shall we read, James?", he asked, but he knew the outcome, because James always chose his favourite silly collourful book about a train that could talk. Louisa was an expert in reading with different voices for each character. But James also loved his quiet moment with his father. As there wasn't a comfortable chair in the small room, Martin sat cross-legged on the floor with James and the book in front of him. James put his thumb in his mouth and comfortably leaned back to listen to his fathers soft voice. Very soon, the boy fell asleep, but just to be sure that James wouldn't wake up again, he continued reading until he finished the book. And still he didn't want to get up.
In the meantime, Louisa washed the dishes, cleaned the table and the kitchen and collected James' toys and put them in a corner of the living room. Louisa had to admit, that one felt better in a tidied place. Martin was right about that. And in the smaller holiday cottages, you'd better give the things you had brought with you, a dedicated place. It made it easier to find things back and also reduced the risk to forget objects when you had to leave. Plus, she wished to prepare for a quiet evening with the two of them. It seemed to be a waste of time to leave the mess for Martin. First thing he would do was sorting it all out and store it away anyway.
When she was ready, she heard Martin read James' favourite Thomas the Tank engine book and she smiled. A few months ago, Martin would have chosen an article in the BMJ, but he had learnt, just like she had promised him he would, only minutes after their son was born.
Usually, she joined them, because she loved listening to his lovely voice, but this time she decided to hop into the bathroom and have a nice shower. She had noticed the lovely walk-in shower and eagerly wanted to try it. It took a bit longer than she had planned, because the shower was really wonderful and she benefited from the moment, to wash her long hair. A task that took some time, but was relatively easy under this nice water jet.
About 20 minutes later, Louisa came ouof their bedroom in her pyjama and her pink dressing gown. She had used the hairdryer and she had brushed her hair until it was shiny and soft, the way Martin loved it.
All was quiet in James' room, so she expected to find her husband in the living room, concentrating on an article in one of the medical books he brought, or in the material he had received at the convention. But much to her surprise, the living was empty. She went to the sliding doors and peeked through the curtains, to see if Martin by any chance would be outside, enjoying the fading daylight, but no sign of him there either.
Louisa started to worry. It was so not like Martin, to just go somewhere without telling her! She decided to go and have a look in James' room, the only place she hadn't been yet.
Quietly, she pushed the door open. There he was, her handsome husband, still sitting cross legged, with one arm around James' little body, protecting his sleeping son from sliding on the floor. She sighed with relief and came closer. Martin was staring at his sleeping boy and didn't look up.
Then, Louisa saw that a single tear was slipping slowly down his cheek. She held her breath, she knew she had to be very careful with the situation. She'd like him to open up to her, but she was sure that she should not just start talking to him, like she probably would have done with anybody else.
She just crouched next to them and kissed the tear from his cheek. "Martin, dear, shall I put James in his cot? He may get cold, you know? We don't want that, do we?" He just looked up at her and nodded.
She stood up and he let her take the sleeping baby. He just sat there and watched how his beautiful wife kissed goodnight her son and lovingly put him to bed.
He still hadn't moved, but sat there like a sad Buddha. When Louisa crouched next to him again, she saw another tear running down his cheek. This one as well was soon kissed away. His cheek felt cold. They always kept their sleeping rooms cool, which was better for a good night's sleep, according to Martin. But it was too cold to sit there without a jacket or pullover. Louisa whispered, "Martin, your ice cold, let's get you out of here".
She pulled at his arm and finally he got up, stiff from having been in the same position for quite a long time.
Louisa led himto the bathroom and said, "Now, take a long hot shower to get warm. I'll make us some tea". She stood on her toes, cupped his cold face with her warm hands and added, "I love you, my darling man! Never forget that. Whatever bothers you this much today, please never ever forget that James and I love you very,very much. Whether you want to tell me about it or not..." As an answer, he hugged her briefly. Louisa followed him into the bathroom and said, "Come on, under the shower, now! I'll bring your stuff."
About 15 minutes later, Martin entered the living room, wearing his pyjama and silk dressing gown. Louisa came out of the kitchen area with two steaming hot mugs of tea, which she put on the small table next to the couch. They both sat down and drank their tea in silence.
Martin looked exhausted. Unlike other evenings, he did not take a magazine or journal to read, but he just sat there and stared at his lovely wife. From his look, she knew that he wanted to say something, but he probably didn't know how to start. She decided to give him an opening.
"Was it something you saw at the museum, Martin? Or something James or I did?"
He didn't answer immediately, but rested his elbows on his knees and hid his face behind his hands. Then he said, with tears in his voice, "how can someone not love his own child! How? In all museums you see paintings of mothers with their babies craddled in their arms, love shining from their eyes. And the painters, the fathers, painting their offspring with such a precision, that's pure love too! Even the wild bores in the park we saw this afternoon, protect their little ones and take care of them! "
Louisa hadn't seen this coming, but she understood that, indeed, it had been the visit of the Kröller Müller that had brought this to the boil. She understood immediately that Martin was talking about his dreadful parents. She moved closer to him and comfortingly stroke his back, but remained silent.
Martin's outburst continued, "How could they, Louisa? Lock up a two year old in a cupboard, just because he was glad to see his mother? Getting beaten with a belt by his dad, because of a broken china vase? Getting rid of him as soon as they possibly could... at the age of six sent to a boarding school, where all other boys were at least ten! And in the mandatory holidays at home, complaining all the time about the bedwetting, bullied, needy, ugly creature of a son...".
Louisa's heart swell with love and tears welled up in her eyes, but she tried not to cry. Martin didn't need her to pity him, she needed to be strong and help him! Inwardly she grew very angry at his abusing parents. She continued her comforting gestures, showing him that she was there fore him.
"All those years... Trying my best to make them proud, by getting the best notes at school and even bringing home various sport's trophies, but nothing was ever good enough for them! Years later, my mother even told me right in my face that I ruined her life!", Martin continued, still burying his face in his hands.
"Martin, no!" He finally looked up to her.
"Do you remember that aweful day where I told you to shut up? The day Danny Steel had the collapsed lung? You came to see me, just after my mother told me that it was because of me that father didn't see her as a woman anymore. A deflated balloon, a mother not a wife... so.. to get her old life back, she hired nannies. Nannies that never were allowed to stay long enough to bond with me.. And when I finally got to bond with uncle Phil and aunt Joan.. my parents prevented me from staying with them in the holidays and they made me stay at school even in the summer! I bet that has cost them a fortune, because it meant there had to be staff at school too..."
Martin had never ever before told her so much about his terrible youth and by now, Louisa really couldn't withhold her tears any longer
"Oh, my precious man! I'm so sorry for you... It must hurt a lot."
Martin took her in his arms, searching for even more comfort from her.
"Shh Louisa, I didn't mean to upset you.. See.. My mother still tries to ruin my life, even if she's not here. I have been so afraid that you would eventually give up on me..and go to Spain, to your mother...with James.. That you would end up like everbody else, thinking of me as a looser.. a tosser. Because my parents didn't love me and didn't show me how to be a normal daddy and husband.. It suddenly dawned to me this afternoon that I am after all their son, with their genes... what if I will become just like them and James gets afraid of me? Because I shout at him... or even worse? The thought frightens me, Louisa, the thought that I don't know how to make you two happy!" His frown was deeper than ever and he had a desparate look in his eyes. Louisa clung closer to him, hoping that it would sooth his worries.
"Martin, listen to me and look at me", she gently cupped his face, now also wet from tears, in her hands. With her thumbs, she wiped away the tears from his cheeks.
"Listen, neither me, nor James will leave you and certainly not because of your rotten youth. Haven't you noticed that James adores you? As soon as he gets a glimpse of you, he forgets what he is doing and he can't wait to be picked up by you! He trusts you, feels safe in your arms and smiles when he hears your name, even if you're not around. You will never be like them, you must know that, don't you? The two of you already have such a good bond! You take care of him, even if it's not always the most pleasant task to change his nappies... You protect him, carry him arround, assures that he gets the best medical attention, you read bedtime stories about silly trains... that's love, Martin and that makes him happy! And of course there will be moments where you will be cross with James. Because he will try to get beyond the boundaries we have set for him. And he will understand that he deserves the corrective measures and he will know that we act because we love him. But neither of us will ever beat him!"
Louisa stopped talking for a moment, but then continued, "as for me, my love, you gave me a family to love and to take care of. Thanks to you there's much needed stability in my life. You make me feel wanted and every time I look into your eyes and see that they soften, just for me, I feel loved and that makes me happy!"
Then she concluded, "Martin, we will never be able to completely take away the pain from the past, but we, the three of us, will try to build as many good memories as possible and hopefully the painful ones will fade."
As an answer to Louisa's words, Martin pulled her even closer to him. He was unable to speak. Years of suppressed emotions now surfaced and he cried like he had never done before, finally realizing that in her arms he was safe and understood.
They sat together for quite sometime until Martin had become much calmer. Both exhausted, they retired to their bedroom, but only after having checked on James. Arm in arm, they stood in front of his cot. James, completely oblivious of the emotional storm that had taken place in the cottage, was sleeping soundly, a vague smile on his face. Martin bent forward and softly stroke his son's cheek. "Night James", he said.
Martin lay on his back in bed with Louisa close next to him. "Louisa, I'm sorry that I lost control this evening...it didn't even happen with doctor Johnson.."
"Don't be sorry, Martin, I'm glad it happened. I'm glad that you feel safe enough with me to tell me what's worrying you. I do hope you keep doing it. I love you Martin".
Martin buried his face in her soft hair and simply said, "thank you, I love you too". Not long after that, they both fell into a deep, dreamless sleep.
To be continued.
This was a difficult chapter to write, I do hope you'll like it.