Of course Harry was oblivious - he'd spent the past year and a half with his eyes only on Hermione, whether pretending he was into her or actually being in love with her, but he hadn't been particularly observant in the first place. One of the things she learned (and enjoyed most of the time) about Harry since being with him was that he required a very blunt approach to feelings. If she wanted him to know she was feeling a certain way, she had to spell it out for him. It was a little easier with the bond, because he could feel it, but half the time, he still wasn't sure what emotion it was that he was experiencing. She didn't mind, of course, because it led to a conversation where both parties were aware of what the other person was feeling and what could be done to fix it.
Don't be a stranger, okay? Ugh. Lia. Harry had just been through a war and she was already trying to flirt with him. But of course she would - no one knew they were together. Had been together, she corrected. That made a difference, didn't it?
"Are you jealous?" Harry asked with a smirk as soon as the door closed behind them.
"What?! No. Of course not. We're… we're not together anymore. I don't care who flirts with you."
"Then why are you so angry?"
"Because… because girls shouldn't be flirting with you before all the cuts on your face have properly healed! It's just… maddening, that's all." Hermione took a deep breath and tried her best not to blow her cover.
"No, I think you're jealous that someone else fancies me. Though, for the record, she gave me no signs that she wanted anything other than to sell me an owl."
"Well, of course you didn't notice. It's hard to tell if you're not paying attention, but when you were busy with Artemis, I saw the way she was looking at you."
"And what was that?"
"It's… it's just infatuation, is all. Probably how I used to look at Ron."
"Well, I'm a war hero now, remember? A lot of girls are probably going to look at me like that. And a lot of guys will probably look at you like that, too."
"Not if they think I'm with Draco," Hermione groaned, leaning her head onto Harry's shoulder and hooking her arm through his like it was the most natural thing in the world - because it was.
"Hey, remember when you said you still love me?" Hermione nodded. "Well, I still love you too, okay? In case you needed to hear it. I always will, in whatever capacity it means at the time."
The sentiment made Hermione's heart simultaneously flutter and ache. She knew they'd be able to do this - go back to being friends, even if only for a while. It wasn't that she never wanted to be his girlfriend again. She just didn't think she could do it right now. She didn't want to relive the war, and she knew Harry's trial would force her to think about it. If Hermione listened to the stories enough about what happened in that courtyard, she'd look at Harry the way she had that night again. Until she could sleep alone, without the Dreamless Sleep Potion, until she didn't have any more panic attacks, until she felt like herself again. Herself without the bond, without any influence from Harry. The scariest part right now was that she couldn't even remember who that girl was.
But with each day, it got better, and she would make sure to ask McGonagall about Arthur's suggestion of getting a mind healer. They would all benefit from it, especially Draco. She never thought she'd feel this bad for him, but he just suddenly had no one. Hermione had grieved her own parents, but ultimately, she'd been the one to make that decision. Draco didn't have a choice.
"Thank you, Harry," she whispered, not really excited to return to Hogwarts anymore for the first time she could remember. "Honestly. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't be jealous, I just can't help it. Sometimes I feel like I'm not worth it. And before you go on a rant about how amazing and brilliant I am, I know." Hermione grinned. "There were just a lot of times… when we were together that I couldn't believe it, and sometimes part of me still doesn't believe it. How… easy things feel with you, even when we're mad at each other. The night after the battle…" she swallowed thickly at the memory, taking a deep breath to stifle her tears, "the conversation was hard, but… the fact that I was next to you? That was easy. So easy. So easy that it made the words harder."
Harry nodded. "I know. But I think that's what the bond was doing, too. It… wanted us to feel like that. Wanted us to be close."
Hermione's arm tightened around Harry's. She still felt like that, but telling him would only make this harder. It would only make figuring this out harder. It would only make waiting harder.
So she stayed silent, trying her best to fight the anxiety bubbling up in her stomach. It was a new feeling that always came randomly. Hermione tried her best to swallow it down - now wasn't the time. She could let herself feel these things tonight, when she was alone. She could take a nice bath and relax and have an hour or two where she wouldn't think about anything.
Hermione led them to the Leaky Cauldron, which she had agreed with Molly would be their meeting point since it wasn't too crowded. She already felt a lot better with a new wand, albeit a strange new wand. The handle was different, so she knew it would take some time to get used to. That, and the fact that her new wand was made of the same wood as Harry's, yet her core was still a dragon heartstring. Not that she was thinking too much about it. Not at all.
Molly set the paper down on the table she was sitting as when they walked up, eyes widened nearly as much as Hermione's did when she saw Harry carrying the massive owl towards her. "Oh! Harry you… you got a new owl! How lovely!" It looked like they were a good distraction from whatever it was she was reading, because she quickly stuffed the paper in her bag and stood.
"Yeah, he's a rescue. They dropped his price because no one wanted him. I couldn't help it…"
Ironic that Harry and this owl had a similar rescue story, but it was sweet. Someone had given up on Artemis, and Harry wasn't about to. It was kind of what happened with her and Crookshanks, too. No one had wanted him, he'd been in that shop for ages, and now he was one of Hermione's best friends.
"Well, we'll have to get him a bigger cage, won't we?" Molly grinned. "I'll see if we can find something at home. Are you two all ready to go? Got your wand, Hermione?"
"Yes, thank goodness," she sighed.
"Perfect."
Harry had volunteered to take the Floo last since he'd take up the most room with Artemis in tow, and Molly and Hermione were back at the Burrow in a flash. She started to get nervous when Harry didn't come through immediately.
"Do you think he's all right?" she whispered.
"Of course he's all right, dear," Molly assured her as they stepped away from the fireplace. "He was right behind us."
A few seconds later, the bright green flash of fire was accompanied by a loud squawking and the sound of talons and beak against metal. Harry almost fell onto the floor as the cage rattled like mad a split second ahead of him into the living room, so hard that he dropped it, opening the door and sending the owl speeding off around the house, running into trinkets on shelves and smacking pictures off the walls with his wings. Harry brushed the soot off his face as best as he could, coughing madly and resting a hand on the side of the fireplace to stay standing through the commotion. Molly marched off after the owl. "Now you stop it at once! Don't make me stun you!"
"Harry, what happened?!" Hermione was on him in an instant, helping wipe the soot of his clothes and skin, taking off his glasses and cleaning them on her shirt before settling them back over his eyes.
"Apparently Artemis hates Floo," he choked out.
"I can tell." She couldn't help but laugh at the state of him. Things were still falling and breaking all over the house, and it seemed as if Artemis had made it up the stairs. "Oh, we can't let him get out! Crookshanks," Hermione called, "stop that owl!"
There were a few more seconds of louder crashing and heavy galloping, during which time the remaining Weasleys appeared, sticking their heads out from their respective bedrooms. Then, the noise suddenly stopped. Harry and Hermione exchanged a look before rushing up the stairs after their animals.
"What the bloody hell was that?!" Ron asked as they sped by. Crookshanks had never killed anything except prey before, and honestly she couldn't imagine it would have been that easy for Artemis to get taken out by a cat, but the silence was concerning, not to mention the guilt she would feel if anything had happened to that poor owl because of her own cat.
Hermione let out a sigh of relief when they finally made it up to the top floor and Artemis was sitting on one of the balcony railings, cleaning his feathers while Crookshanks watched him intently, the tip of his tail twitching back and forth. Ron trudged up the stairs behind them and froze in his tracks.
"Holy shit, that's a massive owl. Where did it come from?!"
Harry let out a sigh at the chaos Artemis has already caused. "He's mine."
"Seriously?!"
"Yep. Needs a little training." Harry grinned, cutting his eyes to Hermione.
"I'll say."
"I'm gonna go help your mum clean up. Hermione, he likes you. Try to talk some sense into this bird, okay?"
Hermione laughed, trying not to shiver at the hand Harry rested on her hip as he moved behind her and past her back down the stairs.
"Sorry, Mrs. Weasley!" he called. "I didn't know that would happen!"
Hermione and Ron watched Artemis for a few seconds before Ron spoke up again. "Should I even ask?"
"I don't know how I would answer if you did. The girl at Eeylops flirted with Harry into taking him, I think. But he's not too bad if he's calm."
"How'd you feel about that?"
"I'm not talking about it." Ron was the last person she wanted to discuss her jealousy with. Ah, so she was jealous.
"Suit yourself."
"Are you all packed?" she asked, desperately trying to steer the conversation away from her and Harry. She still had to find out what was in that box.
"Yeah, just about."
"You should get back to it, then." She aimed a pointed glare at Ron, who just smirked and shrugged.
"Fine, fine. I get it. You're jealous but you don't want to-"
"Ron!"
"Leaving! I'm leaving!"
Hermione clenched her fists. She could feel her anxiety coming back, her heart starting to race so much that she felt like she needed to run. Fight or flight. Over a conversation about jealousy of all things. Later. You can feel this later. Not right now. Harry needs you.
That had become her go-to phrase to help herself calm down. Harry needed her level-headed. She couldn't lose control until she was safe. And here, in the middle of the day, she wasn't safe. She couldn't help Harry if she didn't have her head on straight.
She felt Crookshanks wind himself around her ankles, and she struggled to take a few breaths of fresh air. Her eyes were finally able to focus on a fixed point instead of looking all over the place, watching the grounds, watching the skies, brainstorming the best hiding place. Artemis was gazing at her with wide eyes, black ear tufts sitting calmly on the top of his head. "You're going to give Hogwarts hell, aren't you?"
Artemis just blinked at her slowly.
"Good." Hermione bent down to take Crookshanks into her arms, holding him tightly as he purred against her chest. For a moment, she just kept him there, burying her face into his fur. Crookshanks tensed a little, but otherwise stayed calm, and Hermione realized that it really did make her feel better. "Come on, Artemis. Let's let Harry clean up your mess and you can hang out with me." He didn't follow at first, but as Hermione entered her room, a gust of wind blew across her shoulder and Artemis landed on the dresser.
She set Crookshanks on the bed, where he curled up on the pillow Harry had used the night before, and started to pack up her clothes. She took her time distracting herself and trying to calm down, focusing on folding her clothes just so and organizing her beaded bag. On a double check of the room, she found one of Harry's sweaters by the dresser, the one that he wore the night Ron left. She picked it up carefully in her hands, running her thumbs over the material. So much had changed since then, and she knew a part of her was still grieving how much easier everything had felt last October. Keeping herself away from Harry suddenly felt so much harder than hunting horcruxes. She pressed the wool to her cheek, and it felt the same. A deep breath. If she tried hard enough, she could imagine Harry's warmth underneath it. Hermione had no idea how it had gotten into this room, but surely Harry wouldn't miss it, right? With a glance toward the door to make sure no one would see, she shoved it into her bag with the rest of her things.
"Hermione? Oh good, he's in here with you." Harry's voice made Hermione jump, and she cinched her bag closed in case there was any chance he could see what she put inside. His eyebrows furrowed slightly at her actions, but he continued. "Can I put my things in your bag? I think I'm going to fly back with Artemis. If he doesn't like Floo, I can't imagine he'll like Apparating."
"No," Hermione heard herself answer before she even thought about the possibility.
"No?"
She shook her head. "You're not flying that far alone, Harry. I can't let you." Her heart started racing again. How could he even think she'd be okay with that? How could he be okay with that? She swallowed hard - that feeling was back. Fight or flight. Harry was in danger. No, Harry would be in danger if he did that. He wasn't yet. But trying to reason with herself wasn't helping; the feeling wasn't going away. She needed… she needed...
"Hermione? Are you okay?"
She shook her head quickly, and Harry's arms were around her in an instant. A deep breath. "You can't fly," she whispered, her fingers gripping his jacket like a vice. "Harry, you can't fly."
"Okay… okay. It's all right. I won't fly." But blood was still rushing in her ears, and it was like the previous night all over again. Harry's arms tightened around her further. "Hermione, I won't fly. I'm okay. I'm right here."
It was that phrase that finally got her brain to settle down just enough to have functional thought again. Harry was here. Harry was safe. She suddenly felt hot, but all she could do was hold onto Harry. Artemis's soft hooting sounded like it was miles away. He rubbed her back, sliding his hands underneath the hem of her shirt, and the skin contact was like sinking into a warm bath. A shiver ran up her spine and she relaxed her grip a little bit, slowing her breathing to match his example.
After a few minutes, she pulled away slowly, resting her forehead against Harry's shoulder.
"Better?" Hermione nodded. "Good. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to give you… for that to happen."
"It's… not your fault," she whispered, keeping her eyes closed. She knew if she looked at him, she'd kiss him. She had to find a better coping mechanism. "Thank you."
"It'll go away, you know. Eventually. That's what Arthur said."
"How do you… cope with it?" She hadn't been with him constantly, but when she was with him, he seemed okay, besides last night.
"Uh…" Harry sighed. "Potions, mostly. It's probably not the best, but I haven't slept without a sleep potion since the battle."
"Me either… It's usually the worst at night, but not being…"
Harry ran a hand through her hair, and she leaned into his touch. She'd stopped herself before she could say it, but it was clear what her words would have been: not being alone makes it better.
"Yeah," was all he managed to say, and for a moment, Hermione was proud of him for accepting that he couldn't be the solution. Even if he wasn't happy about it (and he wasn't, if Hermione could read the look on his face), he knew that was what needed to happen. This was the first step of many to getting both of them back on the right track.
"I know. It's okay. I can manage. I've got… well, I'll have Crookshanks with me now." Hermione pulled away, squeezing Harry's hands and going back to her bag before she got too attached. "How are you going to get Artemis to Hogwarts?"
"I think I might just let him fly there. It's not too far and… I'll have to trust him eventually, right? I'd hate to stun him just to Apparate. Plus," Harry dropped his voice as if the owl wouldn't be able to hear him, "I'm hoping a flight that long might wear him out a little." Artemis hooted in indignation. "Look, it'll be fun, okay? You know how to get there?"
"Harry, you're talking to an owl," she smirked as she closed up her bag. "I don't think he can talk back."
"Not for five galleons." Artemis squawked and Harry grinned. "You ready? You can side-along with me, how about that? Ron can go with Ginny."
Hermione nodded quickly. The thought of being with Harry in that split second of their travels already made her feel better.
"Okay. Well, I'll finish getting everything together and we'll meet you downstairs."
"Thank you. I'll be down in a minute."
Once Harry was gone, Hermione looked at Crookshanks. "You're going to have to Apparate with me. Sorry. I know you hate it." Crookshanks just curled up into a smaller ball as if it would make a difference.
Hermione did one last sweep of the room before grabbing her bag and scooping Crookshanks up into her arms. "Come on," she said to the owl, "and please don't land on me. I think I might lose a shoulder." His telltale gust of wind blew by her face before she was even out the door.
Ginny and Ron were already waiting for her in the living room, with Molly fussing over them to make sure they had everything. It was kind of bittersweet to think about the fact that she probably wouldn't be back for a while, so she hugged Molly, Arthur, and George extra hard before tightening her arms around Crookshanks. Harry held his trunk and Artemis's cage in one hand and put his other on Hermione's shoulder, Artemis blinking at them expectantly.
"Meet you at Hogwarts, Artemis. Got it? Hogwarts. "
Crookshanks flew out of Hermione's arms as soon as they arrived in the stone circle by the greenhouses, immediately darting into the direction of the castle. Hermione expected it; it gave him a chance to get some fresh air after Apparating. They quickly moved out of the circle, Harry reluctantly removing his hand from her shoulder, so that Ron and Ginny could come through a few seconds later. Ginny's eyes began to water as she looked over the castle, and Ron's arm tightened around her shoulders.
"You okay, Gin?"
A few seconds passed before she took a deep breath and nodded. "Yeah… yeah, I'm fine."
Hermione felt for her. Ginny had been through way too much, more than she deserved to be. They all had, but whenever she looked at Ginny, all she saw was the little girl who spent a couple weeks in the hospital wing after being possessed by Voldemort and almost dying at eleven years old. Eleven. And being associated with the three of them, nearly every year brought her anxiety and fear as well. It wasn't fair. It wasn't fair at all. Ginny had been forced to be strong; stronger than her at times, it seemed. She seemed to not be bothered by a lot of things, but Hermione knew there had to be something under there that needed healing. None of them were okay.
Lunch was just finishing up when they got to the Great Hall for the maybe three dozen students that were left. Malfoy was nowhere to be found, but she hadn't given up hope. They parted ways to put their things away, and Hermione hoped Crookshanks would know where to find her. She closed herself off in her room and took plenty of time to unpack, testing how long she could spend alone during the day. It took almost an hour until all of her clothes were properly folded and organized in the dresser, and when she opened the door back out to the common room, she frowned.
The decor had changed. It wasn't significant, but some of the tapestries had been replaced with a dark stone. Gold accents had turned silver. The couch, which had been a scarlet fabric, was now a black leather one. It didn't look bad, but the fact that it had changed at all gave her pause. Maybe it switched things up every once in a while since Head Girl and Head Boy could be from any house, and didn't want any houses to feel left out in their own common room. But the black and silver was reminiscent of Slytherin. By the end of the night, would it look like the dungeons? That would certainly be interesting. She had always been curious, and slightly jealous of Harry and Ron when they went there with Malfoy in second year.
Thinking about Malfoy made her feel anxious again, so she headed towards the Great Hall to finally get something to eat. The only other person seated at a table was Lavender. She looked awful.
"Hey… Lavender…"
Lavender jumped when Hermione approached, even as slowly and carefully as she did. "Oh. Hi, Hermione."
"You're eating a little… off-schedule, aren't you?"
Lavender pushed the food around on her plate. "Yeah. I've been… trying to avoid crowds the past couple days. It's, uh… easier that way."
"For you or for them?"
"Kind of both, actually."
"Can I join you?"
Lavender looked up at Hermione for a few seconds before nodding. "Yeah, sure."
Hermione took a seat across from her and a bowl of chicken noodle soup appeared in front of her, which made her smile. Her parents used to make it on cold nights when Hermione just wanted to relax. She felt her shoulders falling at the smell.
"So… how are you feeling?" she asked between spoonfuls.
"Um, it comes and it goes, you know. Some days I feel great, but most of the time, I'm just so tired and irritable and… hungry. All the time. Especially since I know the full moon is coming next week, and I may be anticipating the change being a lot worse than it will be, but it's just… I don't know. I feel lonely. Like I'm really trying not to be around a lot of people. I know they're scared of me."
"But they shouldn't be."
"And we shouldn't hate the Slytherins, either. I don't… I still don't blame you for this, Hermione. I mean, if I really wanted to off myself, I'm sure I could. But I don't. I'm sorry for all the grief I gave you before."
Hermione nodded. "It's okay. Honestly, I worried about that, too. Whether I should have saved you or not. I don't want anyone to go through this, but when I saw him with you, it was just instinctual."
"I know. I probably would have done the same thing for you without even thinking about the consequences. It happens to everyone sometimes. It's okay."
Hermione smiled. "You don't know how relieved I am to hear that, Lavender. Truly. And I really do want to help you. I was thinking, after Harry's trial is over and Kingsley's in charge, I know he'll be on board with this, too. I want to look into the resources at the creature division to see if there's anything I can find there to maybe get closer to some sort of cure. Only if you're okay with it, of course."
"I am. Thank you. Neville's been trying to do some research, too." Hermione didn't miss her blush at all, but didn't question it. That's not what they were talking about and it wasn't Hermione's place. "So how did the trial go this morning?"
They spent some time quickly discussing the trial and verdict, what happened, and how Narcissa stepped in to accept Draco's sentence, too. Hermione felt herself getting angry all over again.
"Yeah, I saw Malfoy right before I came in to eat."
Hermione perked up, sitting a little straighter. "Really?"
"Yeah, he was with Harry. Why?"
"I just wanted to talk to him, that's all. We didn't really get to talk much after the trial and I wasn't sure if he was even going to come, actually."
"Why did he?"
Hermione took a deep breath. "He doesn't want to be alone. And here, I know he's worried he'll get bullied. Ironic, I know, but still sad. He was only doing most of the things he did because he felt like he didn't have a choice. I could see it in his eyes. He didn't want this."
Lavender frowned. "I admire you for trying to… forgive him, Hermione. You're a better person than a lot of the rest of us."
"You don't think he deserves a second chance?"
"Second, yes, but I think he's wasted a lot of them. He bullied you for years ."
"Because of his family's prejudice, not his."
Lavender scoffed. "And you think he's changed? He's a Slytherin for a reason."
"That means nothing," Hermione defended hotly. "That just means that he's self-driven, not that he's evil."
Lavender gave her a strange look before raising an eyebrow. "Suit yourself."
"I don't care if you agree with me or not. I'm just stating what I believe. I know I'm one of the few people who are willing to give him a second chance, Ministry included. I just can't wait until Kingsley's back. I think the Ministry will be in good hands. A better place for people who haven't been so lucky."
"Like me?"
"Like all of us. Arthur said he was going to talk to McGonagall about getting a mind healer if she's not planning on it already. I think it'll be good for everyone just to have someone to talk to that isn't also fighting their own thoughts."
Lavender took a deep breath, pushing her plate away. "I think I'm done eating. I'll, um, see you around."
And Hermione was left alone in the Great Hall again. She stayed there for a while, eating slowly and hoping Harry would stop by at some point. When he didn't, she got up and tried to think of what to do that didn't involve looking for him. Hogwarts felt so much bigger with this few people, and she wasn't even sure what everyone else was doing. Maybe a walk around the grounds would do her some good.
She cleaned her bowl and stacked everything as neatly as she could to avoid making the house elves work too hard - there were only a few working right now just because of the number of students - and got up, pulling her cardigan back on. There were a couple people studying right outside the Great Hall, a couple she recognized as sixth-year Ravenclaws, who gave her a small wave as she passed. Part of her was drawn to the Quidditch Pitch, but she knew it would just lead to her thinking about Harry, and she forced herself to go the other way.
Maybe Hagrid would be a good distraction. There was smoke coming from his chimney, and knowing he was in there put a smile on her face; besides, she'd just eaten, so she'd have an ample excuse to decline any food he offered her. On the walk down to his hut, though, she spotted a glimmer of long blonde hair walking into the forest. Was that… Luna? Whatever she was doing seemed much more interesting than visiting Hagrid, anyway. It didn't take long to catch up with her - she'd never known Luna to be in a hurry.
"Hello, Hermione. Is there a reason you're following me?" Her tone wasn't accusatory at all, just curious as Luna greeted her before she even turned around.
"How do you always know who's behind you?" Hermione asked curiously, jogging up a couple steps to walk in line with her.
"I know your footsteps."
"I just saw you coming into the forest and… well, you probably shouldn't come in here alone." None of the times she'd ever been here had she had a good experience, and Hermione couldn't help but scan the ground and the trees, keeping close to Luna's side as she drew her wand. Just in case. "You shouldn't be coming in here at all, really."
"Oh, I'm fine. I'm going to see friends."
"Friends?"
"Mmhmm. Would you like to meet them?" But it didn't seem like Hermione had a choice, as Luna kept walking. The sunlight was starting to dim as the forest became thicker, and her heart began pounding as shadows began turning into Snatchers.
"Luna, we need to get out of here. It's not safe."
"It is, I promise." Luna reached out to take Hermione's free hand, and somehow, she knew Luna was right. Her tense shoulders relaxed a little, but she didn't loosen her grip on her wand.
After a few minutes of walking, they came to a small clearing with sunlight coming through the gap, and Luna released Hermione's hand to reach into a small pouch at her hip. Hermione gasped as skeletal winged horses of all sizes peeked their heads out through the trees.
"Oh my God," Hermione whispered. "Are those…?"
"Thestrals," Luna confirmed with a grin. "It's all right," she said to them. "This is my friend Hermione. She's never seen one of you before." She tossed a few chunks of raw meat onto the ground and a couple of them surged forward to gulp them down. Hermione backed up a little at their sudden movement.
She remembered Hagrid saying that only those who have seen death could see thestrals, so it made sense for her to be able to after the war, but… she'd never realized they were so hauntingly beautiful. Drawings hadn't done them justice. Their black eyes reflected the sunlight in such a way that they looked like they had infinite depth, infinite knowledge, like an animal with giant pupils, taking in every piece of a person's soul and analyzing their very existence. Hermione wondered what they thought about her.
"They're gorgeous."
"That's not usually the first thing people think about them," Luna admitted with a sad smile, "but I think they're lovely. Very misunderstood. It's a shame that you have to go through something so tragic to be able to see them."
"I'm sorry we dragged you into all this, Luna. But… I'm really glad you're here."
"Me too. It was a little liberating, you know? Fighting all the bad guys and coming out on top. People like me don't usually get to do those types of things."
Hermione had no idea how Luna was being so optimistic about everything, but she didn't want to bring her down with the reality of the craziness she was dealing with. Maybe she could learn a thing or two. She had been doing a lot of that lately, defying what she knew and breaking her own rules. "Can… can I feed them?" she asked softly.
"Of course." Luna pulled a chunk of meat out of the bag and gently set it in Hermione's hand. It was cold and slimy and gross - she wasn't used to handling raw meat - but she put that thought aside and held it out to one of the animals. They still didn't look real. Patiently, she waited, still as a statue. Once the other thestrals finished what Luna had given them, they eyed Hermione curiously, turning their heads like birds to get a closer look at what was in her hand. They didn't seem to be frightened of her as long as she wasn't scared of them, which was an interesting concept in their acceptance. Like hippogriffs. You had to trust them before they could trust you.
It seemed like forever that she tried to keep her heart rate steady while one of the thestrals (a mother, she assumed, as it was near one of the foals) approached her step by careful step, eventually reaching its neck out and gingerly taking the piece of meat from her hand. Hermione let out a breathless chuckle and cast Scourgify on her hand to clean it. She'd have to wash it later, but for the moment, it was fine. A part of her wanted to pet it, but she wasn't sure how it would react. Was this the same one she'd ridden to the Ministry? Suddenly, something seemed to spook them in the forest, and they vanished into the darkness all at once.
"Is there a reason you were out here, Hermione?" Luna cleaned her hands with the same spell but wiped them on her pants anyway.
"Oh, I was just… taking a walk. Do you know where anybody went?"
"Do you mean Harry?"
"I… well… yes."
"No, I don't. But I can help you look for him. His head's always full of nargles, you know, so wherever they are, he'll be."
Hermione smiled, leading Luna back out of the forest. "Yes, I know. That makes sense."
She still had no idea what nargles were, and she probably wouldn't be finding out anytime soon, but just talking about Harry with someone who was outside of their relationship felt good. She didn't want to be alone, anyway.
"Do you know when you're going to get back together with him?" Luna asked suddenly a few moments later, and Hermione felt her heart skip a beat.
"No," she answered honestly.
"But you want to."
"Of course."
"Well, then it'll work out. I can tell he still loves you a lot."
"That's the problem," Hermione sighed, pulling her hair up into a ponytail. "We both still do."
"So what's the issue?"
"Me. Every time I close my eyes, all I can see is him killing Voldemort and it hurts so much. It makes me… it makes him… I don't know how to describe it. The only way I don't see that is drinking Dreamless Sleep Potion, and I don't want to rely on that my whole life. I don't want to think about him like that. I can't think about him like that if I'm ever going to be in a relationship with him again or I'd have to fight myself every single night for the rest of my life. That's… that's not healthy for anybody."
"Well, fixing yourself is loads easier than fixing somebody else, isn't it? At least you've got that going for you."
Hermione smiled genuinely. "How is it that you always know what to say?"
"I've had a lot of practice, I suppose. I usually just think of what my mum would tell me."
They continued walking for a while, making a perimeter of the grounds as Hermione pondered Luna's words, and enjoying the weather starting to get warmer. A couple groups of students were doing the same, laying out on blankets by the lake with books or games. Hermione tried not to think too hard about how they should be studying for exams right now. There were only a couple weeks until term would have ended. Which reminded her that June was coming up, and she'd need to get her contraceptive potion from Madam Pomfrey again. Not that you'll need it anytime soon. She definitely didn't need reminding of that.
As they made their way towards the back of the castle, something in the sky caught Hermione's eye: someone flying high in the air around the Quidditch Pitch. Even barely being able to see him, she knew it was Harry. She could tell by the way he flew. He circled a few times before diving full speed towards the ground. The stands covered up most of their view, but Hermione knew exactly what he was doing. He'd talked about it plenty of times, but she'd never seen him do it: the Wronski Feint. After a few seconds, he rose above the stands again and hovered, running his hand through his hair to fix it and adjusting his goggles. He did it once more, and the only way Hermione knew he was okay was the "Whoo!" he let out as he came back up.
She felt tears start to well up in her eyes. He was using the adrenaline to override his anxiety. If she were watching, she figured he might be flying low enough to brush his feet against the grass before he came up, seeing how long he could go before he chickened out. It was dangerous, and unhealthy, and she wanted to scold him for being so reckless. She knew that she had no room to talk, though, as bottling hers up until she was alone wasn't healthy either. But he'd found a way to be happy when he was by himself, even for a second, and what kind of friend would she be if she stopped that? She could only watch for a few minutes before wrenching her eyes away and ushering Luna forward. She'd forgotten how nice it was to see him truly happy. Even when they were together, especially when they were together, there was always something sad in his eyes that she assumed was in hers, too.
Hermione kept herself busy walking around with Luna until nearly dinnertime, even if some of it was silent. They talked about Crookshanks and Artemis, about creatures Hermione had never heard of, about how Luna and her dad had been doing since the battle, about Fred and Tonks and everyone else they'd lost. They talked about Harry briefly, and when they entered the Great Hall with everyone else, Luna bypassed all the other Ravenclaws to sit by Hermione's side.
If she hadn't seen Harry flying, she could tell that he had been. His hair was a disaster, his cheeks were pink, but his eyes were brighter and more vibrant than they were that morning. They almost took her breath away, and any urge to scold him when he was looking like that instantly vanished.
"Hi, Harry," she said with a grin, sitting down at the table across from him. "You haven't looked in a mirror lately, have you?"
Harry's eyebrows furrowed instantly. "No, why? What's wrong?"
"Your hair is just…" Before she could stop herself, Hermione was leaning over the table, raking her fingers through Harry's hair to get it somewhat more manageable. His eyes closed briefly, but then he opened them again to focus on the table, blushing. When she was done, she sat back on the bench and found nearly everyone at the table staring at her. "What?" she snapped. "I didn't see any of you bothering to fix it."
Dinner didn't last long with no announcements anymore and so few students, but it still brought the same sense of camaraderie everyone at Hogwarts needed. Hermione, especially. It had gotten to the point where she didn't want to be alone, where she hated being alone, partially because she didn't have anyone to distract her brain, but also because being alone meant she didn't know who was safe and who wasn't. But this… this was good. She looked up and down at the people around them, and the way they were chatting and laughing reminded her that they'd be okay. She could feel Harry grinning at her across the table a couple times, but every chance she got to return the eye contact, he'd look elsewhere, but it made her smile nonetheless. She did notice, however, in her mental inventory of students she just realized she'd been keeping, that someone was missing.
"Where's Draco?"
Lavender nearly facepalmed into her chicken.
"He got food already," Harry answered, his face suddenly tensing. "He didn't think it would be a good idea to eat with everyone just yet. But they all know he's here."
"Well, no one's said anything. It seems like no one really cares…"
"Why do you care, then?"
Hermione's back straightened as she looked at Harry. This was ridiculous. There was no way that Harry could possibly still be jealous after the conversation they had that morning. And who was he to care who she worried about when he'd been flirting with stupid Lia at stupid Eeylops?
Breathe, Hermione. Breathe.
She did, and the world felt a little clearer. Neville was watching Harry out of the corner of his eye. Lavender was watching Neville. Luna was watching Hermione. Ginny had been holding the same forkful of food to her mouth for a few seconds. It was like the two of them were some television show, and she wasn't about to be part of the dinner entertainment.
"Because someone needs to be," she said simply, and that was that. She narrowed her eyes at Harry and he backed down, slouching a little. She'd won, but she didn't feel like it. Her chest was still tight, and Harry's eyes had lost the vibrancy she loved so much. He seemed like he was contemplating something, regretting something. Had her words caused it?
Good . Hermione had proven multiple times that he had no reason to have any ill thoughts towards her. Just because she'd broken up with him didn't mean she wanted to have the only two options of snogging or being upset with each other. They'd been in a happy medium for nearly a week - what had changed? Why did she suddenly feel so agitated? Arguing with Harry wasn't going to do her anxiety any good, so she figured it would probably be best to not worry about it for the rest of dinner. She ate quickly, bid everyone goodnight, her eyes lingering on Harry, and left another wake of silence behind her as she headed back to her dorm.
As soon as the portrait closed behind her, she could already feel her chest tightening again, almost instinctual once she got into her safe space. Normally, she'd just go right to her bed, lay face down, and start crying.
But she wasn't alone.
"Surprise."
Draco was sitting on the couch, stoking the fire. Seeing him in casual clothes was so strange when she'd only ever seen him in robes or a suit unless it was at Hogsmeade. Her heart stopped for a second, taking in his fitted grey sweater and jeans. Was that why the decor had changed? Because Draco was here now and it had adapted to having a Gryffindor and a Slytherin?
Her head was shaking before she could stop it. "No… no… please…"
"Oh, come on, Granger. Not that unhappy to see me, are you?"
Her vision was tunneling. She rested her hand against the wall to steady herself.
"Granger?"
She couldn't do this - not in front of him. She couldn't break down. He couldn't see her like this. He had no idea how to handle it.
"Granger…"
He was standing next to her now, even though she had no idea how he got there or when he got up from the couch. She could feel his eyes on her, looking her up and down with concern. Her hand went out on instinct. "Don't…"
"Do you want me to go get Potter?"
"No!" she breathed out. "No, I don't need him."
"You look like you need someone . What's going on?"
His voice was almost grating on her brain. She could feel it in her lungs. She could feel it in her legs as they froze to the spot, not wanting to move in fear that he'd follow. Why was he here? How did he get in?
"Granger, talk to me."
She blinked hard a couple times. She just needed to get to bed. Forcing her feet to take a step, she wobbled as her equilibrium swung, and a warm hand caught her arm.
"Hermione."
She didn't even feel like she was in control of her own body, but she kept trying to move forward. An attempt to ignore him that failed miserably. She tripped over her own feet and suddenly, she was tumbling into his chest. His arms wrapped around her waist as he held her up in fear.
"Merlin, come here. Sit down."
Hermione thought about going to the bed, but she wasn't sure if he'd be allowed in her room, not to mention the fact that she really didn't want to be in a bed with him, so she let him walk her to the couch before she collapsed onto it and into Draco, gripping his shirt like a vice.
"Tell me what you need," he muttered.
She could barely speak. His words were forced, pained, like he was only saying them out of obligation, which made the whole situation even worse. He didn't want to help her. Being by herself was safer than being with him. Draco only brought her pain. The scars on her arm throbbed at the thought, her heart fluttered at the memory of the runes shattering, and the tears started pouring.
But the thought of this panic continuing was worse. The quicker he could help, the faster it would be over, and she could go to bed and pretend like this never happened. Just feeling someone else's body heat was comforting. She didn't need Harry. She couldn't rely on him. And right now, Draco was all she had.
"T-Touch," she swallowed, trying to calm down enough for her vocal chords to work properly. "I…" When they still didn't, and she found herself unable to express the need for skin contact to Draco Malfoy, she just wrenched her eyes shut, grabbed one of his hands, and moved it to her back, sliding it under her shirt enough so that it was only slightly more than his fingertips that were pressing into her skin, but his hands were warm from the fire, so warm, and she shivered.
"You're freezing."
Hermione just whined, and he slipped his hand further up, slowly so he didn't make her uncomfortable, until his palm was on her side, holding her, grounding her. She didn't dare look up at him out of pure embarrassment that he was touching her like this. All she could hear was "filthy little Mudblood" and she hated it. He wasn't that boy anymore. He was here, helping her through a panic attack. Helping her rationalize the world around her because she needed him. And God, what a turn of events that was. But only a week ago, she'd been holding him the same way, and just that morning, he'd been crying into her shoulder. The fact that she was probably the only person he had right now made her want to throw up. Why her? Why did it have to be her?
Draco's other hand moved around her, too, over her shirt, to spread across her back. His hands felt bigger than Harry's. Different. She wasn't sure how she felt about it, but in the moment, she didn't care. She focused on them. The warmth. That's what she needed, and she forced herself to take a deep, shaky breath.
"There you go."
Something was different about his voice, but she couldn't place it. Maybe it was the fact that he'd never really said anything comforting to her and the words sounded strange coming out of his mouth. Maybe it was her desperation and her attempt to replace Harry that she put an intonation in his speech that wasn't meant to be there. A couple more deep breaths and she could feel herself finally relaxing, her brain clearing, her heart leaving her throat. A few more blinks and she dared to look up at him. He was looking at her like she was going to break, and blue eyes met hers that weren't quite as cold as she remembered.
As soon as she felt like she was okay enough to control herself again, though, she pulled away like she'd been burned by his touch, gaze focused on the couch. She didn't trust herself to stand, but distance was okay. Distance was better. He seemed genuinely concerned, though.
"Better?"
Hermione nodded, still unsure of how they needed to proceed.
"Do you… want me to help you get to bed?"
As strange as it sounded, Hermione nodded again. Draco stood slowly and helped Hermione to her feet, making their way to her room. As soon as they walked through the door, though, Draco yelped, almost dropping Hermione while jumping back into the common room. "Shit! That hurt! I can't bloody go in there or I get electrocuted?"
Through the mental fog, Hermione frowned, wrapping her arms around herself. "But… but Harry could…"
"Yeah, well, I'm not Potter, am I?" Draco growled before straightening. "Guess this is goodnight, then."
Hermione swallowed hard. "Goodnight, Draco."
"Goodnight, Granger. I'll… keep my door open if you need me."
They shared a few seconds of eye contact before Draco turned to go to his room and Hermione carefully made her way to the bed, closing the door gingerly behind her. She flopped down on the bed with a sigh that seemed to deflate her, but she felt better. Maybe she'd try sleeping without the potion tonight.