-AN: Worldstate Info for Dragon Age Origins: The Hero of Ferelden in this story was a female elven mage named Eliane Surana. She survived the Blight, and remained Alistair's mistress after having him become king and marry Anora. Cullen has already told Sylvanni that he knew Eliane when she was in the circle, and admitted that he'd once had a crush on her.-
"Cullen?" Sylvanni asked, leaned back against him in front of the fire.
It was a cold night in Skyhold, with a snowstorm blowing in over the mountains. Most training exercises and operations had finished early for the day, with everyone headed indoors to keep warm. Fire pits and hearths were lit all over the keep, and she'd heard the tavern was full to bursting.
The Inquisitor and Commander had found a quiet enough corner in the main hall, over near where Varric usually stood, though the storytelling dwarf was absent for the moment. Perhaps it was untoward of Sylvanni to have been sitting so close with Cullen out in the open like this, but there were few enough seats in the hall that it was justifiable, she thought. Besides, it wasn't as if most of the Inquisition was unaware of her involvement with him, even if they did usually try to keep their relationship out of public spaces out of respect.
"Hmm?" He'd pulled his cape and mantle over her small shoulders as they'd sat, and it was blessedly warm as she leaned against him. The chairs around their table had been stolen away to other hearths and tables, leaving the two of them with some open space around them, if not actual privacy.
"Do you ever wish I was human?"
He stayed silent for a long moment. "Why do you ask that?"
She didn't look up to try to read his reaction, and she wasn't entirely able to gauge how he felt about the question from tone alone. Was he upset for her, surprised that she'd been thinking this? Guilty, as though she'd stumbled on the truth? She couldn't be sure. She prayed it wasn't the last.
"I mean, it's obvious that the Inquisition would have been better off if I weren't Dalish, isn't it? Half of the heresy surrounding the idea that I was the Herald came from the fact that Andraste would never have chosen an elf as her representative. Those sidelong glances and under-the-breath comments at Halamshiral conveyed that idea rather clearly. 'Oh, no that can't be the Inquisitor, I'm sure she's just a servant or something.' No one would question a human Inquisitor. Not for the reasons they question me. How many opportunities have we missed on account of prejudices against people like me?"
He leaned his head forward over her shoulder, trying to catch sight of her expression. She looked down, not meeting his eyes, but she didn't need to in order to read the worry in him.
"Sylvanni," he said quietly. "Did something happen? Did someone say something to you?" The arm wrapped around her shoulders tightened slightly, the soft embrace turning protective. "If one of our men..."
She laid a hand on his knee, stopping him. "No one said anything to me, Cullen. Josephine took care of that in my first few weeks. But no one needed to say anything about me for me to know it to be true."
"It isn't true," he said, his voice firm. "You were, and are, exactly what the Inquisition needed. What's making you think like this? I thought you were proud of your Dalish heritage."
"I am," she said. "But I can be proud of something while recognizing it as a weakness to our position."
"Yes," he said slowly, "someone human may have originally had an easier time gaining allies, but that's not important. Think of the things that you, as a Dalish elf, can accomplish. You have influence that few Dalish ever have, and I see you using that to make things better for them. Your showing at Halamshiral showed that you're every bit as competent as the Orlesian nobility. More so even. I think it does the courtiers good to be beaten at their own Game, especially by someone they underestimated. You showed them that they were wrong about you. You're showing the entire world that they're wrong about the Dalish."
She fell quiet at that, mulling his words over. She realized absently that the way they were sitting, with his arm and cape wrapped around her, there wasn't any question about their relationship. She told herself that it was okay because no one was really paying attention to them, but if she was being honest, she really just didn't care anymore tonight.
"I just don't want to be a liability," she said softly.
"You aren't," he said, still holding her tightly. "Not everything has to be about the Inquisition. You are more than simply the Inquisitor, Sylvanni. You've given so much for this cause. You'll only make yourself mad feeling guilty over things you cannot give up. And shouldn't give up, even if it were possible. You're Dalish, and you're proud to be so. That isn't something to feel bad about, certainly not on account of something so trivial as our political status."
She felt a small warmth inside that had nothing to do with the fire, a little glow in the center of her chest. He was probably right. And hearing his words made her fears retreat, just slightly. A small step back, a little more breathing room in her mind. As her fears about herself made space, however, another related fear started making whispers.
"You technically haven't answered the question," she said slowly, wondering if pursuing this line of thought was a good idea at all. "The Inquisition aside, would you prefer if I were human?"
Cullen stilled, realizing what she meant, and his grip on her arm loosened. "I... Of course not. Is that something you believed? I would never… I wouldn't dream of changing a single thing about you."
It was the answer she had expected, and she believed he was sincere. However, that wasn't necessarily the worry that she'd had. His hand reached up to gently brush against her hair - and her ears beneath the dark brown locks - and she forced herself not to react to the affectionate touch.
I shouldn't ask, she thought. That should be enough for me, and I should leave it at that. She almost did. But that little fear would keep nagging at her, she knew, and she might never have an opportunity while they were on this topic again. I shouldn't ask… but I need to know.
"So, would you say that you… prefer me, because I am an elf, then?"
His hand froze, mid-stroke.
With the embarrassing question hanging out in the air, somehow Sylvanni's mind decided that the best way to fix this was to keep talking, perhaps in hopes that she'd be able to bury the awkwardness with more words. She should have realized she would only dig herself in deeper.
"I mean," she said quickly, wishing she'd never brought the topic up, "I've heard that there are men who have a preference for elven women. Small stature, delicate features, perhaps even the vallaslin are alluring to some."
"Sylvanni…" Cullen's voice sounded strained.
She should have let him talk, but she feared his answer. "I know you mentioned the Hero of Ferelden too, your… youthful infatuation, yes? She was an elven mage too, wasn't she? I've seen portraits of her, in markets and the like, and I can't help but notice... similarities. A mage, an elf, brown hair, blue eyes. She wasn't Dalish, so she didn't have vallaslin, but even so I-"
Before she could finish her sentence, Cullen turned her quickly, leaning down and cutting her off by pressing his lips to her own. He closed his eyes, and there was something forceful in the kiss, as though he was trying to make her understand something by the action. Her eyes went wide, a panic rising as her worries about his affection suddenly flared up with worries that they were in public, people would see them and she would…
Then it all just simply faded away. He held onto her, insistently, and she simply closed her eyes and relaxed, letting her mind forget for a moment that anything existed outside of the two of them.
He finally pulled back, meeting her eyes with a deep stare. She suspected he'd used the kiss to give himself a moment to think, and a small part of her found it ironic that his pause for thought had shut her mind down completely. She found her heart racing, breath coming just a little bit faster, though surely it hadn't lasted very long.
"Sylvanni," he said, the name spoken slowly and calmly. "You are a beautiful woman, and I thought Eliane was a beautiful woman as well. But you must know that my affection for you is so much deeper than anything as shallow as your appearance or your race. I care about you because you are kind, compassionate, determined, and decisive. You are an amazing leader and an even more incredible person. That is why I care about you, Sylvanni. You must know that."
His expression was serious, tone insistent. She stared back for a long moment before she finally smiled and reached up to give him a small kiss, lips just brushing together. Then she pulled close to him, pressing her head against his chest. When they'd begun this night, she'd had her back against his chest, both of them facing the fire. Over the course of the conversation, she'd ended up turned to face him, curling up as close to him as she could.
"I'm sorry, I do know that. I shouldn't have asked at all," she said quietly, head tucked against his shoulder. "It was rude of me, but… I had to know, Cullen. I didn't really think… but I had to know."
He placed a hand on her back, rubbing slow, even circles between her shoulder blades. "It's all right. I understand, Sylvanni. You don't need to explain anything."
The two sat in a comfortable silence for a long while, and she just savored the feeling of being safe in Skyhold. She was used to a life out on the road, travelling far and wide, falling asleep each day miles from where she'd woken up that morning. Dalish clans were nomadic, of course. But there was something to be said for having one place to call home. It was a new concept for her, but one to which she was swiftly growing accustomed. She felt as though she could spend forever like this, with the snowy mountain wind howling outside, and she safely indoors, warm from the fire, from his cloak wrapped around her, and from Cullen himself holding her close.
Eventually she spoke up, voice slightly muffled with her head on his shoulder. "You called her Eliane."
"Hmm?"
"The Hero of Ferelden. Warden-Commander Surana," she said. "You're on first-name terms with her?"
She could feel his chest move as he chuckled. "I suppose I probably shouldn't be," he said. "If we were to meet now, we would be almost like strangers, I should think. I knew her for years in the Circle, though, and there's a part of me that still thinks of her as my friend from my time in Lake Calenhad, before the Blight, before she joined the Wardens. We were close, as I told you, perhaps closer than we should have been, though nothing untoward ever happened between us. Especially considering that I attended her Harrowing. That almost feels like a different life, now."
"Harrowings," she said, unable to keep from frowning. "Shemlen always call the Dalish 'savages', but we aren't the ones who intentionally lure demons to young mages and murder them if they aren't strong enough to fight them off."
"I…" Cullen's voice sounded hurt, just the faintest bit. "There is a lot that is wrong with the Circles, I can agree. That is a part of why I left."
She cursed herself inwardly. He was a Templar, Sylvanni. He probably 'murdered' any number of abominations, as you just accused him. From the sound of it, that isn't something he's proud of, and you were insensitive enough to bring it up.
"I heard rumors about her, the Warden-Commander, I mean," she said, grasping for a topic that would move away from the Circles without being a complete non-sequitur. "Is it true that she and the King of Ferelden…?"
"Ah," he said, "Leliana and Morrigan actually traveled with her. I'm sure they would know better than I, if you are truly curious. It would not surprise me, though. She and King Alistair worked together very closely to stop the Blight, and they were two of the last Grey Wardens in Ferelden after the Battle of Ostagar. If it is true, he is a lucky man."
He paused and pulled away from her just enough to look down. She met his eyes in return, and he smiled. "But I am luckier by far."
She couldn't help but smile. "Luckier than the King of Ferelden?"
He leaned down and kissed her again, long and lingering this time, then pulled her close to whisper into her hair. "I would not trade you for all the kingdoms of Thedas."
She wrapped her arms around him as well beneath the cloak, closing her eyes with a smile. "Nor I you."