I know I mentioned in the warning tags that there was going to be mentions of depression, suicidal thoughts, substance abuse, and other mental illness. Friendly reminder that this chapter contains such material.
More info/ramblings in the end note.
I don't own Tsubasa!
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As soon as Fai had woken to his blaring alarm, he knew he was in for a fight tonight.
He had fucked up. He had been distracted by soaking up as much attention as he could, before he had to cut Kurogane loose, that he had forgotten just how bad this felt.
He should have gone straight to work—he should have known better.
It would have been fine if he was just hung over.
Fai was expecting a hangover—not his body trying to convince him he was better off throwing himself off a bridge… It was more than a hangover, it was something he wasn't ready to deal with today.
Withdrawal.
His last hit would be close to working its way out of his system… It could happen in as little as 12 hours if your metabolism was used to processing it—and you were left with the effects of 'coming down' as your body started to run without the stimulant's help.
Coke's effects didn't last long, but when your body actually started working the last of it out of your system—well, Fai was fucked till he either struggled through or topped up.
The whole situation was stressful—not only was he having a shitty day, but he was only having a shitty day because he was an idiot and had let his habit get out of hand.
If he had been more careful, he would have been able to make it to work.
Dammit, he should be dragging his ass in tonight.
FOR WORK.
Not his jacket.
There was just too much going on.
But no—he just had to listen to his lower brain and fuck the cop again, instead… Not that the sex had been bad—but now he was far enough into it that he was getting slapped in the face with physical symptoms. As if they weren't bad enough on their own, they were also solid proof that he was dumb enough to let it get out of control.
Which meant, he had to do something about it—on top of everything else that he needed to do.
Fai was sad to say that last night was most definitely the best sex he had ever had in his entire life. Somehow, Kurogane just knew how to tickle his fancies hard enough to make him lose absolute control.
So much so that he had totally forgotten that he couldn't afford to be 'sick.'
The kissing on the couch had him whining and tugging at the cop's uniform pants for his prize within minutes. He must have given a fucking amazing blowjob because Kurogane had spent the rest of the night "punishing" him in the most glorious ways possible.
After managing to swallow most of the mess, he had flashed Kuro-chan a drunk smirk and hadn't even had a chance to speak before he was thrown over the younger man's incredibly strong shoulder and carried back to the bedroom. His clothes had been all but ripped off of him and Kurogane had taken the time to mark every inch of his pale skin with red and purple love bites.
Even his thighs and ass were liberally covered in little, perfect bruises.
The sucking and nipping and gripping had driven him mad and the more he reacted, the more Kurogane gave him. Fai hadn't had to think—they moved naturally and reacted perfectly to each other.
After Kuro-possessive had him wiggling and panting from the teasing—he had pinned - yes, pinned - both his arms above his head with a tight hold of a single, massive palm. He used his other hand to finger him, teasing his prostate with well lubed fingers while his thumb massaged the delicate skin between his entrance and his balls.
He had taken charge and was strong enough to hold Fai while he wiggled and squirmed and begged. And for being a man of few words, Kuro-naughty sure knew just what to say and when.
His timing was impeccable.
Fai had been so caught up in the intensity of his orgasm that he was pretty sure he had screamed. Actually screamed. Kurogane hadn't even touched his very needy cock yet and had Fai cumming for him, completely undone.
Looking back on it, he had to be impressed at how persistent and thorough Kuro had been with his hands. They must have been cramping terribly with the way his hips had been involuntarily jerking from the stimulation, his walls spasming as he had gasped and moaned.
That hadn't even been the end of it. Fai had been pushed, pulled, and fucked mercilessly until dawn. Cumming more time than any man had a right to in a single night. It had been so much better than the first time that it was hardly comparable.
Perhaps the public setting or the fact that Kurogane had never done the whole Tinder dance before had muted him—but he had held back at Kyuden, for sure.
The most frustrating part was that Fai had been so freaking content that he had just passed the hell out and slept like a log. He had been struggling with insomnia for YEARS. For him to get more than 3 or 4 hours of consecutive REM basically took tranquilizers and a sacrifice to the gods.
Kurogane had him napping like a baby all wrapped up in his pillows, sheets, blankets and surrounded by his scent. Did Fai mention that Kurogane smelled divine? The whole situation was infuriating.
Fai wished he could just kidnap him and keep him to himself. If anyone would be able to keep him distracted from his own mind, it was the stupid cop. So, Fai had lingered—had fallen back asleep—and fuck, was he regretting it.
All of it. He shouldn't have even let himself go to dinner, last night. He should have put his nose to the grindstone and managed his shit.
It had seemed worth putting up with how he felt now, at the time, anyways.
Now that he was trying to deal with coming down, he was kicking himself.
Sex was fun, but he had so much to do… Not only did he have his family and work to think about, he also was now down a fuck buddy. Again. His obnoxious need for physical contact with a warm body was really throwing a wrench in his life…
Why did the specific warm body he wanted have to belong to a police officer, again?
Needless to say—between the hangover, withdrawal, and ruined sex life, he was in a bad mood.
Fai had missed his opportunity to pick his father up from the hospital and mentally kicked himself the entire drive. He did manage to resist the urge to head into the city and swing by work—and was currently waiting at the grocery store's pharmacy department for his father prescription to be filled.
All he could do was brood as he sat in line and it was pushing the 40-minute mark of being left alone with his thoughts. Which is not what he needed at the moment… Rather than focusing on just how terrible he felt—he focused on just how frustrating it was that he could have picked this same script up form one of his boys in less than half this amount of time—prescription pain killers were the bread and butter of his business, after all…
Ashura wasn't even going to take them—getting the man to choke down so much as a Tylenol was next to impossible. His step dad had asked him to, so here he was—buying drugs like a normal person. As silly as that was.
He had just wanted to go home and watch a dumb movie and be miserable the rest of the day with his stupid parents before he started feeling even worse.
Sure, picking something up on his way home was not the end of the world. He was being a baby. A huge ass baby for being this dramatic over something so simple—but his brain seemed to think now was a good time to play games with him. So, when Ashura had texted him to see if he wouldn't mind grabbing a few things from the grocery store since he was going to be there anyways, he was hardly keeping it together.
How pathetic was that?
Fai managed a smile for the woman behind the counter and she thankfully let him pay for his few items right there and then. The relief of not having to go through the overcrowded checkout was hard to explain and he booked it straight home.
He didn't even care that his car was almost out of gas—that was tomorrow's Fai's problem. Today's Fai needed to be home. Needed to see his loved ones before he did something stupid.
He needed to remember why he was doing this.
Needed to get his shit together before they realized he was a fuck up.
Get back in control.
Fai pulled into the driveway and into his usual spot in the garage. Even just being home helped to calm his buzzing nerves and he threw the drivers side door open after grabbing the single bag from the store. His foot hadn't even hit the payment before his phone started ringing.
A quick glance had his heart sinking. He didn't have the mental capacity to deal with this right now—not without his fucking jacket. If Syaoran was calling him, it wasn't good. His assistant could handle most things without him.
"Hey, Syaoran. Everything ok?" If he was calling him on a sick day, he knew it wasn't just to say hello.
"I am really sorry to bother you, Fai-sama. Its just—" There was a pause and Fai felt his heart race increasing.
Couldn't Syaoran spit it out?
Did they have a body on their hands?
A police raid?
Did he needed to come in?
There was just so much that could go wrong, and just that the few seconds of silence allowed for his mind to reign a little too freely.
"—well it's just that one of the girls at Kyuden—she um—she got assaulted by one of her clients and well—"
Oh.
So why was he calling?
That sucked but it was one of the risks of the job and the manager there should be more than capable of handling the situation and letting him know later on what had happened. A call to his enforcers and that man would rue the day he had been born. It would play out one of two ways—both ended badly for the asshole who had crossed the line—one left him breathing, though.
"Like punched her in the face kind of assaulted, or what?" Fai took a deep breath and hoisted himself out of the car in a single smooth motion.
He shouldn't let something so simple cause him to panic. He needed to cut this anxious energy off soon or he was going to be in trouble.
"Oh god, yeah… Sorry I should have clarified. He backhanded her pretty hard—normally, I would just have the bouncer take care of it—but uh—she sorta—well she kicked his ass and I don't know if I should just have him thrown out or if we need to call an ambulance… Yuto wanted me to run it past you because of liability and such." Syaoran spat the last half out quickly and Fai laughed.
He knew, sponsoring self defense classes for his staff was a good idea. Good for her.
"Does he need an ambulance?" Fai closed the car door and crawled up the steps leading into the house.
Thankfully, the door was unlocked.
"I would say so. He's out cold. She just cold-cocked him right in the nose and he hasn't twitched." Fai sighed at his assistant's words.
"Is her hand ok?" He would have to add a reminder to his calendar to take cake of her doctor's bills and send her a gift for her trouble.
"Yeah, no—broke it. She really knocked him a good one but one of the other girls is taking her to urgent care to get it fixed." Maybe she would let Fai sign her cast…
Well, at least they had handled that much. As for their womanizing asshat? Fai wanted to say, it wasn't their problem—but letting someone freeze to death in an ally would probably be bad for their rep… Not to mention the media shitstorm.
"Hold on for a minute. I'll call you right back." The garage door led right into the kitchen and Fai was greeted with four sets of curious eyes as soon as he stepped across the threshold.
"Sure thing." Syaoran hung up and Fai managed a dazzling smile for his family.
The whole gang was here.
Yay…
Fai's family was far from normal and not only was his father and step father here—but so was his younger brother and Fai's adoptive mother—Shashi.
Hopefully, she would be leaving soon… His brother—Lil' Ashura, or Ash, as Yuui and Fai had dubbed him since the time he was a baby—usually lived with her. Fai didn't know how he could stand the woman, but he was 19 now and could do as he pleased.
He had agreed to spend his short break from school with their father, though, and it was nice to see he didn't chicken out after the events of last night. Ash had always been a sensitive kid and it was hard for him to handle things like Ashura's fluctuation health.
He usually ran to their mother—who also wasn't good with that type of thing.
Fai didn't bother to muster any kind words—he didn't want to encourage that bitch to stay any longer then she needed to.
He turned his attention instead to Taishakuten as he handed him the brown paper grocery bag.
"Can I run a hypothetical past you?" Fai smiled and gave a tired sigh. Sometimes the shit he had to deal with was ridiculous.
Taishakuten's electric blue eyes widened in surprise before looking Fai up and down.
Ok then.
Was that face because Fai had actually made an appearance and was not a zombie in the middle of the day? Or because he was sporting the walk of shame look hardcore?
Both?
Fai was a known nightmare between the hours of 11am and 6pm when he usually tried to sleep. He probably looked about as bad as he felt, still dressed in oversized, borrowed clothing and covered in hickies.
Still, though. You would think he had the plague, from that look.
"Is everything…ok?" Tai spoke slowly as he started pulling the few items out of the bag and setting them on the island.
"Let's just pretend that at one of my establishments, we have a gal who is an independent contractor, not on the payroll, have a client get a little rough with her. In self defense, she punches the asshole in the nose and he is out cold. Could I toss him out on the sidewalk and be done with it? Or should I call him an ambulance to avoid liability." Fai watched his step dad furrow his eyebrows in confusion as Ashura laughed.
Sometimes he wondered if they really had no idea Fai was up to some shady shit. Especially with the 'hypotheticals' he tossed their way every few days.
They knew he owned a few night clubs—not which ones—not, what they were a front for.
Honestly, though, Fai has called them at 2-3am before with a 'let's just say' scenario and they never questioned it. So, this was not the first time he had gotten advice on the fly.
"Hypothetically speaking—it's freezing out, Fai. You would be—hypothetically—scrapping frozen hypothetical womanizer off the street in the morning. Why is this even a question?"
What a shame.
"Bummer. Oh, well—I just need to make a quick call." Fai headed towards the stairs and took them two at a time, his body aching in protest with every step.
He called the manager directly and let him know to have one of the enforcers drop the bastard at the ER and shot Syaoran a quick text letting him know.
There was a rule that cops, paramedics, or firemen were not allowed into his buildings without a good reason. Not with the massive amount of product he pushed every night. Criminal aspects of his business aside—it was a good way to lose you liquor license if you had to call in for alcohol poisoning or a bar fight. The person who was injured could be stone cold sober and the authorities would start asking questions about overservice.
If the injury wasn't dire, they took care of things discreetly, themselves.
He had only had to learn that lesson the hard way, once. They would get the fucker treatment—even though Fai would much rather leave him out in the cold to slowly freeze.
Tossing his phone on his bed, Fai pulled his wrinkled clothes from yesterday and threw them in the bin to be taken to the dry cleaners. Changing into something that covered a good deal more of the love bites, he headed to the corner of his room and typed in the code to his safe.
The 6ft tall, black metal gun safe was the only addition he had made to the guest room that he had claimed for himself after his twin had passed away. Everything else, the dressers, the night stands, beds, lamps, paintings, and curtains were all chosen for this room years ago when his adoptive mother had still lived with them, and had outfitted this room for guests.
That was fine with him—most of the personal belongings he had decorated his old room with reminded him of things he didn't want to think of. They still sat untouched just up the hall—everything just as it had been before he and Yuui has left for college. The plainness of this room made it easy to sleep when he managed to get his mind to stop racing.
The safe was necessary. Not that his privacy wasn't respected—he just didn't think storing his work supplies in his closet was the smartest move when Ashura was sweet enough to fold and put away all of his laundry for him.
Fai was not about to start doing that for himself, so he just locked it up.
Pills and piles of cash aside—he didn't need Ashura to see the massive amounts of firearms he stored in the house. Especially because these bad boys had the serial numbers scraped off and he did not have a license for any of them.
Fai rarely had to gear up anymore. He paid people to do that for him now, so they sat unused, and the safe mainly acted as his personal medicine cabinet.
He didn't have any cocaine, though, which was probably for the best.
He usually bought an eight ball at a time—picked it up from one of his boys at the start of his night—and had just enough left over at the end of it to help get his ass out of bed the next morning.
Sure, compared to some people, that wasn't anything too insane—but he had been doing that every day for months now.
It was crossing a line, he shouldn't be feeling this shitty. His body was getting dependent and he couldn't have that. He might sample his own products, but he knew where the line was.
Self-medicating was something he was used to. He had enough practice in mixing and matching uppers, downers and inbetweeners that he was pretty much a master at this point. A quarter of a Xanax and a few 500ml tabs of Tylenol would get him through until bedtime—then, he would pop a few Ambien and sleep until it was time to drag his ass back to work tomorrow.
Tomorrow, he would have to trudge through the night on caffeine. He wasn't going to worry about that now, though—he just had to get through today.
Take it one step at a time.
Thankfully, Fai had a half full bottle of stale water sitting next to his bed and downed his pills before heading back downstairs. The bitch was still there—of course—and as he entered the room, she shot him a judging look.
They didn't get along very well.
Fai used to love his adoptive mother—he used to call her mama when he had still been a child. Hell, he had picked her side in the divorce—refusing to accept his step father out of respect for her. She had been a wonderful mother when he had been young, until she had finally had a child of her own.
Ash had changed a lot in their family…
Shashi focused all of her love and attention on the new baby—something she had wanted for a long time. He still respected her for doting on him and Yuui until then, though. After the accident, her true colors had shown and Fai was still disgusted with her.
"How have you been, Fai, dear?" She gave him a very forced smile. One Fai didn't bother to return.
"Fine. Yourself?"
"Wonderful. You didn't have to work last night?" Fai half expected Ashura to get between them like he usually did. He had very little patience for her ex-wife.
"Yeah."
Fai, as he always did with her, was monotone. Uninterested. Just like she hated.
He didn't know if she missed him begging for her affection like when he was a boy. He used to bend over backwards to please her. Either that or she was butting in because Fai was the one who owned her house and paid most of her bills… he didn't really care.
About two years ago, she started reaching out to him and he had no intention of humoring her.
"I see. I haven't seen you in ages. What have you been up to?" Her smile got just a little tighter—the corner of her eyes wrinkling and making her look older.
"Fai has been very busy with work. Don't pester him." Ashura's voice was calm as he spoke. His own expression was schooled into an impassive mask, matching his sons. "He was up late with me—none of us slept and we were looking forward to some quiet time."
"Of course. Let me leave you to it, then." Shashi wouldn't make a scene in front of Ash. She gave him a huge hug and kissed both his cheeks before letting herself out of the house she used to share with them all.
Fai knew he was being an asshole by following her to the door and flipping the deadbolt as soon as she had closed it behind herself. Everyone else watched him do it, too—aside from Ash, noone even looked at him strangely.
The mood instantly shifted as soon as Shashi left. At least for the adults—Ash didn't look very happy at the moment. Fai assumed he was just being a moody teen and hoped it wouldn't be too hard to cheer him up.
It usually wasn't.
Walking back into the kitchen and leaning onto the marble counter top of the island, Fai flashed his younger brother a silly grin. He hadn't seen him in a while, not since his last holiday from school.
Fai had never been close to his younger brother like he had with his twin—but Ash looked up to him and used to beg him to hang out when he had been a young teen. Now that he was almost an adult—the pudgy cheeks and gangly arms of childhood had left him and he looked so much like Ashura, it was almost uncanny.
"What?" His honey brown eyes—the same as their father's—shot him a sour look and Fai chuckled.
"Nothing. Can't I smile at my adorable little brother for no reason at all?"
"No. You're freaking me out." Ash wrinkled his nose and looked down at his phone to avoid Fai's gaze.
"Well—I just don't see you anymore. I missed you." Fai felt his own phone going off, vibrating against his skin where he had tucked it into the waistband of his pants.
He wasn't gonna bother with it.
"Yeah, well—It's not like you try to come see me or mom. So, it's not my fault."
Yeah… He was in a mood, for sure.
Things had been easier when he could just get up early and pick Ash up from school and take him to the mall, or grab some ice cream…
"It's not like I didn't buy you a brand-new car when you graduated high school, either." Fai had also taught him how to drive and paid for all his licensing fees, so he wouldn't have an excuse.
Ash's university was in Kyoto where their mother had moved to after the divorce and Ashura had cried when he heard that his youngest was moving so far away. Fai had done the only thing he could think of to make everyone happy and had gotten his little brother a cute little red Toyota Prius so he could come home to visit any time he wanted.
Obviously, he didn't want to.
"You sleep all day."
"I also work all night. You could swing by and we could have a night out—or we could grab dinner before I go in. I'm flexible, you know." Fai had made that blaringly obvious.
Even though he worked 7 days a week, he still found time to text and call his younger brother. Ash had been ignoring him for months unless he needed something.
At first, if had really hurt his feeling.
His family came first and Fai had gone to every single sporting event, dance recital and choir concert for his little brother. He had also gotten Ash out of a few sticky situations when it came to teenage mischief and parties, when things had gotten too crazy or they were without a DD.
If his brother didn't want to come over, it wasn't because Fai was unavailable. Hell—he could at least visit their dad more often. Fai had gotten over the hurt feelings after a while. He was just happy that his brother would still come to him when he needed help. That's what was important.
Ash at least didn't bother trying to argue his way out of it. He simply took the I-can't-see-you-you-can't-see-me approach and focused on the phone in his hands.
Fai had bought that for him, too…
He tried not to take offense. It wouldn't help and Fai was sure he had been a little shit at 19, too.
Sometimes, he still was a little shit.
He never claimed to be mature.
His father was much more willing to return his smile and even set aside the food he was prepping long enough to give Fai a much-needed hug. The bandage on his head covered most of the bruising and the entirety of the stitches, so it was easy to forget he had just been discharged from the hospital.
"Can I help with dinner?"
"No. I need to keep my hands busy after being stuck in bed all day." Ashura might not be able to work a regular job any longer, but he was a busy body, nonetheless.
Like Fai, he couldn't stand to be idle.
"So, you're feeling better?" He looked better. His eyes were sharp and his movements precise.
It was a good thing, too, because his knife work was impressive as he worked on the meal.
"I feel like someone is pounding a nail into my skull, but I'm going to rip my hair out if I have to lay down any longer."
Fair enough.
"Shouldn't you take your medication if your head feels so bad?" Fai spoke sweetly as he went to the fridge for a cool bottle of water. Water was a must if he was going to crawl to work tomorrow—he was only going to feel worse as time went on.
Even in the short while he had been home, his racing thoughts and all around icky feeling had gotten worse. He should have taken half a Xanax… Being around his loved ones helped him ignore his brain for now, though. He could always go upstairs if he got overwhelmed.
No one would question it.
"I'll think about it." Ashura turned his attention back to the cutting board and Fai watched as his hands moved quickly and efficiently.
His adoptive father was a hell of a cook.
"That's probably the best I'll get, hm?" Fai sipped his water and Ashura's small smile was his only response.
It was an old argument.
"Smells good." The blond walked over the pan that was simmering on the stove. His appetite hadn't returned, but the smell reminded him of weekends spent 'helping' Ashura cook dinner with his twin.
Fai wasn't a disaster in the kitchen—he loved baking, actually—but Yuui had found a passion for cooking like their father. Their family had always gathered mostly in the kitchen.
They had fun fusing Asian, Indian and western dishes together. In recent years, they didn't find the time to do it as often as they used to—but even just watching him cook was relaxing.
From the look of it, they were having a household favorite.
Ghurma aloo was a quick and tasty stew that carried a lot of fond memories with it.
"It'll be spicy." Ashura reached for his favorite ingredient—Hindpur chillies.
Fai had gotten used to them over the years, but hopefully, he wouldn't go overboard. Ashura and Yuui used to get a little too carried away when they would cook together. They put them in everything…
He vividly remembered getting valentines day chocolate from his twin that had been infused with the tiny red Indian pepper…
Nothing was safe.
Don't get him wrong—Fai could do spicy—but he was only human.
"Isn't it always? You'll have mercy on the mortals of the house, won't you?" Ash was just like their dad—Fai and Taishakuten would be sweating and tearing up from just how hot dinner was while the other two would munch away happily.
"Perhaps. You'll have to pay for my mercy with an explanation of your totally ravished appearance, in exchange." Ashura used a paring knife to clean the stem from the top of the chilly with practiced grace.
"It's not like I wasn't going to tell you, anyways." No—Ashura needed to hear about the total ridiculousness of his newest Tinder conquest. Fai needed to tell someone about it. "Last night, felt like I was in chick flick."
"It must have been a rather raunchy chick flick." Ashura used the flat side of the knife and the back of his hand to crush the chilli with a hard smack and Fai winced.
Couldn't he just toss it in there whole?
"Do they make them rated NC-17? Maybe it was just a really good porno with lots of plot" Fai laughed, and Ash pulled a face before walking out of the room.
While Ashura lived for Fai's stories—his brother would rather not know what Fai got up to in the intimacy department.
"So, I left work to go see you last night and I was a little upset."
Ashura set the knife aside and gave the blond his full attention. At least he wasn't chopping that damned thing into tiny little pieces, seeds and all.
There was still hope.
"I was being stupid and speeding, just a little, and I see flashing lights in my rear-view mirror. I pull over. I'm cranky as all get out and fully prepared to be as snarky as possible when I roll down my window and see that the police officer is someone I know."
"Oh?" Ashura and his step dad said in unison, interest finally peaked.
"Yes. It was a very, VERY handsome guy I had matched with on tinder, and I hooked up with not even a week ago." Thinking about how ridiculous that was made Fai smile like a goof, and Ashura and Tai glanced at each other as he heard Ash mutter something about his older brother being gross from his spot on the couch.
"You didn't know what he did for a living?"
"It was a tinder date, baba. We were busy doing other things."
"What's tinder again?"
"Think grinder but more user friendly. Oh, and straight people use it, too." Fai was pretty sure he had explained this to his father more than once.
"Oh. Oh. So, when you say you went on a date you mean—"
"Exactly—and I really liked this guy. He is gorgeous. So, I'm really disappointed that he works as a cop." Fai knew he wouldn't have to specify why.
Part of being a defense attorney was subpoenaing the not so nice officers right along with nice ones. Fai had listened to Ashura and Taishakuten grumble about how hard to deal with they were. After all—the police arrested criminals and their attorney's job was to get the accused criminal out of it.
"You make enough money for a house husband if he's really that attractive." Taishakuten wasn't wrong.
Fai made enough to have a harem of house husbands, if he chose to.
He wasn't into the whole commitment thing, though. Even if the theoretical house husband had a cute dog that he took way too many pictures of.
"True—but I'm not into that. And I don't like him that much. So, my Tinder date pulls me over and he isn't a bad dude—but he's cop. I don't expect him to cut me any slack, but he lets me go. He then proceeds to follow me to the hospital to make sure I make it there ok."
Fai was grateful for that. At least he wasn't forking out money to a traffic infraction dispute. It was an act of kindness and he didn't think Kurogane fully understood just how nice that was, given everything else he had to deal with while quitting the only thing that made it possible to get through his day.
"That was kind of him. Maybe you should make him a house husband." Ashura smiled and Fai rolled his eyes.
"Anyways. I do my thing at the hospital and I plan on heading back to work when I finally leave. I head out and who do I see?"
"He waited for you?" Ash called from the couch and Fai looked over to see his little brother peeking over the back of the couch with wide eyes.
"Yes! He is sitting there leaning against his police car looking devilishly handsome. I am not some helpless maiden to be swept off my feet, though, so I was actually pretty annoyed to see him." he got a few laughs for that.
Fai hated being babied. He always had. His family was very much aware of this.
"This asshole asks how you are and when he gets that I don't need saving—he switches things up. At least I am assuming. I tell him you're doing ok, and I am ok, and he has the balls to tell me that 'I look like shit."
"Excuse me?" Both of his father's eyes narrowed and he sighed.
Fai had dated a few assholes in his youth—his dads had made each and every one of them sorry for their bad behavior in unique and creative ways.
One time, Ashura and Taishakuten had dropped everything and hopped on the next flight to Boston. Why? To beat the snot out of a boy he had been dating his first few weeks of college after Yuui had seen him scream at his twin and actually hit Fai.
Now—Fai had hit him right back and cut ties with him. Even before he had gotten into his rough line of work, he had been more than capable of holding his own in a fight.
That didn't stop his fathers from tracking the kid down and kicking the crap out of him. They were nice enough not to get the boy expelled for his actions—and they didn't even get in trouble for beating him up…
There was also the time that Fai's high school sweetheart had broken up with him right before the senior prom and sent screenshots of his nudes to the entire school in an attempt to ruin his reputation. Ashura called in a favor and gotten the kid 'arrested' on charges of possessing and distribution of depictions of a minor—then agreed to 'make it all go away' if he publicly apologized for being a dick.
Lord knows what they would do to Kurogane if they thought he was being abusive in any way to Fai—verbally or otherwise.
"Calm down. He speaks rough, but he's a giant ball of goo. He pulled the whole "I can't let you drive like that" card. I might have forgotten to eat and was a little pale and shaky, sure—and I'm sure he was just trying to be nice." His fathers didn't look quite convinced—but there was no burning anger in their eyes.
"This sweet pea takes me to this grubby little dive bar and gets me dinner—I get wine tipsy and we talk about this and that and eventually, it comes out that he isn't a normal police man—he works with a dog." Fai is grinning from ear to ear and it's not on purpose—his cheeks are starting to get sore, so he sips his water before continuing.
"He takes out his phone to show me pictures - and all his pictures are of dogs. All of them. He's not a people person by any means, but he looked so cute when he was talking about his dog." Fai could understand why, after meeting Biggs.
He was just as charming and cute as his papa—in the same rough, tough guy sort of way.
"It was really nice. I don't get to just relax like that very often and just bullshit. So, one glass of wine turns into two, then three. He was sweet and gave me an opportunity to unwind because he thought I was stressed out and you guys know how I get when I have too much wine." Fai could not shut the hell up.
He got giggly and chatty and silly.
"It sounds like he got you drunk to get in your pants." Ashura didn't look impressed and waved him off.
"No—I got myself drunk with the intention of getting in his pants. I knew I shouldn't lead him on since I won't be seeing him again—but he was so charming and cute I needed just enough wine to not care."
Which was shitty.
He had seen the way Kurogane had looked at him. He was falling.
Fai was not gonna catch him.
"So, I go back to his house and this happens." Fai tugged on his collar to reveal a huge love bite. "And the next morning he lets me snuggle his dog and sleep in. When I finally got up, he treated me like a princess and we just sorta chilled in his apartment till he had to go to work."
"Is that so?" Ashura tossed the crushed pepper into the bubbling pot without chopping it and Fai sagged in relief.
Comfort food would do his mind wonders—it wasn't comforting when it was too spicy.
"Yup. It felt like more from a movie than real life." Fai finished the rest of his water and tossed it in the recycling bin.
He was paying for it, though. If he had gone back to work, he could have kept his dangerous dance going a while longer and put these terrible feelings off till after he had total control of his business. He could have ignored his problem for a few more weeks, at least…
"So, your going to ignore how happy he made you just because of his line of work?" Ashura gave him the look. The you-are-being-foolish-look.
"That, the fact that I work so much I don't have time for myself, let alone a boyfriend, the fact that he works almost as much as me... There is the fact that he could get shot at work and I don't want to be a widow—and I don't want a relationship." There was also the fact that he would eventually find out what Fai did for a living.
There was no compromising there.
He could go on, though—Fai didn't need to have another person to worry about, should his enemies learn of their existence, the fact that Kurogane was going to have to either quit a job he loved or leave Fai. If he did quit the cop shit, he couldn't just be a house husband and would want to 'help'.
There were more reasons, he was sure—these were enough for now.
"You didn't deny that he made you happy." Ash called from the couch and Fai rolled his eyes.
"Lots of things make me happy. I've seen him twice and I am not interested. It was just a crazy night last night." That was a huge ass lie but he wasn't going to admit that to his family.
"Bullshit." Taishakuten said after taking a test bite of the food on the stove that was offered to him by Ashura. "I haven't seen you smile like that in years. You were cheesing the whole time you talked about him."
"Tai is right. If he makes you happy, you should at least see him again before you decide." Ashura very rarely pushed Fai to do anything he didn't want to do.
Probably because having raised him—he had seen Fai do the exact opposite of what he was told purely out of spite.
That was pretty much his signature move.
Fai was impulsive and stubborn and didn't take criticism well at all. If you wanted to convince him to change his mind—well, you might as well give up.
"Meh. I'm not really into it. Maybe when life calms down." Fai shrugged.
Maybe if he retired from being a crime boss.
Like that would ever happen.
"What else is going on now?" Ashura put the lid on the pot and turned the flame of the stove down. He walked around the counter slowly and with a gentle hand on his sons back, he led them to the living room.
They all sat in their usually spots. Fai in the recliner, Ashura in the seat on the couch closet to him, Taishakuten right next to him so they could snuggle, and Ash in the corner seat of the sectional.
"Well, we had that pipe burst at the new place I opened last year. We've had a bit of turn over and good people are hard to find. Book keeping is a thing and I hate it… It's just the stuff that comes with doing business."
"So how is life going to calm down?" Ashura frowned.
He had a good point.
It would calm down when he found whomever was leaking info about their shipments to the authorities and Reed went home. Fai was thinking about sending him home in a pine box, given the way he was stirring shit up.
"It always does. It's just a rush."
"You're just going to find a new project to keep yourself busy when it does." Ashura didn't look amused.
Again—He wasn't wrong.
Fai made way more than what their family needed and he didn't have any plans to stop. Maybe shift his focus—but he needed to stay busy.
"I need to be busy." Fai smiled softly.
"Speaking of work." Ash set his phone aside and Fai smiled at the teen. "Can you give me a job this summer? Like, an internship? It's important for my resume."
That was a big fuuuuck no unless he wanted to be bussing tables at the café.
"What brought this on? You usually work at Tai's office when you're not at school." Ash worked there cleaning, shredding, and returning voicemails all the way through high school.
"I'm majoring in business. I want to intern at an actual business."
"What do you have in mind?" Fai had to at least pretend to consider it, right?
"I was thinking I can maybe follow you around and learn a little bit about how you run your business." Ash looked so hopeful and Fai felt a pretty strong pang of guilt.
He should be able to provide that opportunity… Too bad he was a dirtbag criminal and couldn't expose his little brother to a life of crime.
"You do know I run nightclubs, right? Where drunk people get drunker and dry hump each other all night?" Either he wanted to party more than learn—or he didn't get how awful it was.
If Fai didn't have to run these stupid, expensive, stressful nightmares to push his product, he wouldn't.
"It's not like I am a little kid or anything! You started working at those places when you were my age! The service industry is a really good one to see and—"
"Let me put it this way, Ash. I can't have you there because I don't have time to watch you. I can let you intern under one of my managers if you promise not to make their job harder." Not one of his clubs, though.
"I promise! Anything is helpful!" Ash smiled for the first time that night and Fai relaxed.
"I'll talk to the manager of the Café. That is the last stop of my nights so we can open together and crunch numbers—and then Touya can mentor you the rest of the day." Aaaaand the smile was gone.
Ash looked like Fai had just played a cruel joke on him.
"Really? That sounds so…boring…" the teen pouted and their fathers both laughed.
They both hated that Fai owned nightclubs—they most certainly wouldn't approve of Ash following in his footsteps.
"Yeah. My normal stuff is really specialized, and you wouldn't learn much. I honestly spend most of the night driving from place to place and doing math. Here you can see an actual small business being managed. I start the ovens and balance the books, but Touya plans the menus, orders the ingredients and new equipment based on the budget set, deals with training the employees, the customers..."
Ash nodded, but didn't say anything else. Fai had a feeling he would get an argument from the teen later as to why he should be allowed to pick any other place—Fai would listen and shoot him down.
"That won't be an extra thing for you to worry about?" Ashura stood from his spot to check on their food.
It smelled heavenly.
"Nope. Touya will handle all the extra stress." He would probably be thrilled to have more hands.
There was always something to be done in the food industry.
He also liked to boss people around.
"Touya is a good boy. You'll have fun with him, I'm sure" Taishakuten added and Ash ignored him.
He was probably going to pout the rest of the night. If he really didn't like it, he could intern with Tai, or any other small business owner.
Fai didn't care so long as he was not anywhere near the less legal half of his business.
"I'm just glad you took a night off, Fai. Even if it was just because I worried you." Ashura called from the kitchen and stirred the pot, leaving the lid slightly open to allow steam to escape.
He then turned his attention to the kettle and started to make them all some tea. Fai wasn't a tea fan—but it actually sounded pretty nice at the moment.
Not as nice as a shower, though. That would do wonders to help him get through the rest of the night before he had to try and fail to sleep.
"It wasn't just that. I'm also really, really hung over. Would you guys mind if I took a shower really quick?"
For whatever reason, Ash asking about an internship had stirred his anxiety again. There was no way he would let that happen, but the mere thought of him being in that situation was enough to flip the switch for everything else he had to worry about to flood his thoughts.
His chest was getting tight as his heart started to race.
"Don't let us stop you."
Fai ditched faster then he should have. There was time till dinner—time enough to use all the hot water in the house to try and get his skin to stop twitching and his thoughts under control.
He slipped into the bathroom upstairs and hit the lock. He might not have a bathroom off his bedroom—but the master suite was downstairs and Ash did. Privacy was almost guaranteed, but he didn't want to chance someone coming to fetch him while he let his mask down for the first time in days.
Stripping out of his clothes, Fai climbed under the cold spray of water and hissed as his muscles tightened at the frigid temperature. He needed to feel—needed to know he still could.
This awful feeling wouldn't last. He would get through this shower—he would get through dinner and spend time with his family—he would get through the rest of the night.
He could do this.
Even if he didn't want to—even if he was too exhausted to—even if his brain was trying to tell him he couldn't. He was Fai Flourite. He could do this.
Fai leaned into the cool spray and let the water rush over his face. It did nothing to slow his racing mind but it was refreshing in its own way. Turning, he tilted his head back to do the same for his hair—the freezing water making him shiver as it hit his scalp, running down his neck and his back.
This was just withdrawal. It couldn't last forever.
He didn't know how long it would take to bounce back, this time—He just hoped his brain started pumping out some serotonin soon, so he didn't feel like drowning himself in the toilet.
Or eating a bullet.
Hanging from the chandelier in the entryway by his neck.
Strolling down to the street and falling in front of a bus.
Swan diving off one of the many skyscrapers in the city.
Accidently using the razor blade he normally powdered his coke with to make art on his skin. The deep vertical kind on his wrist would be pretty…
Fai knew he shouldn't be thinking these things. Shouldn't be picturing these things every time he closed his eyes. If he could slap some sense into himself, he would—but the whole pick-yourself-up-by-your-bootstraps didn't really work when your brain turned traitor.
What did help was restoring a sense of control and normalcy.
Fai reminded himself that stopping was a choice—that he could get more, but he chose not to. Fai could listen to that half of his brain—but he chose not to. Fai could take a hot shower—but he chose not to. He had total control over himself.
He would choose to get better—to fight through.
He had been through this before and knew if he just held out, he wouldn't be thinking about how nice a long dirt nap would be… How nice it would be to see Yuui again... not to have to deal with his job, balancing books, his love life…
Any of it.
If he repeated that enough, he would have control over the thoughts, as well.
He wasn't done yet. He was choosing not to be done yet—because he loved his family. They needed him and he wasn't going to leave them.
Fai was choosing to tough this out. He would live another day—and choose again what he wanted to do tomorrow.
He always had a choice.
The cold water numbed the buzzing of his skin—and Fai flipped the nob all the way to the left. Once he was in control, the uncomfortable heat grounded him.
He wouldn't act on those thoughts—not because he couldn't, because he could choose.
Over the next hour, Fai did the whole shampoo twice, extra conditioner, body wash, hair mask, charcoal peel and fancy moisturizing routine.
Selfcare was another choice and helped remind him of his self-worth. He could just crawl in bed and sleep—but Fai choose to stand in front of the damn mirror and face his reflection as he fussed.
It had taken years to believe that he had any worth at all—he cared about his own body because he knew other people needed him. The pampering never actually did anything to help—sure, it made his skin and hair soft and left him smelling fresh as a daisy—but his brain was still rebelling as he brushed his teeth.
He couldn't very well swallow all the pills in his room if he was stuck here waiting for the charcoal mask to dry, now could he?
There was only so much he could do, though.
Giving up, Fai trudged back to his room and slipped on clean boxers and Kurogane's shirt before climbing back into bed and playing on his phone to try and calm himself before heading back downstairs.
Dark room—fluffy blanket—silence.
Those were the next steps in this well practiced dance. If he couldn't see the temptations that was only feet away—he could distract himself. Fai got to answering text messages, emails, and voice mails.
It helped.
Not as much as heading back to the office—but enough for Fai to lose track of time.
He was in the middle of checking in on Kanoe when there was a soft knock on his door. Fai cursed as he glanced at the time, and Ashura pushed the door open before Fai had a chance to answer.
Ashura had Fai's dinner in one hand and didn't wait to be invited in. He sat on the side of his son's bed and handed the steaming dish over and offered a soft smile.
"Sorry… I lost track of time." Fai wasn't hungry but he took a bite nonetheless—the familiar spicy flavor was comforting.
"I figured. I can tell you have a lot on your mind. We all can." This wasn't the first meal his father had had to bring up for him. It wouldn't be the last.
"I keep worrying you. I don't mean to." Fai took another bite and Ashura was watching him carefully.
Gathering his thoughts, probably.
They were going to have a chitchat, it seemed.
Which meant that he had really been sucking at keeping his shit under wraps…
Fuck.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right. I would never judge you. I love you no matter what."
Not this talk again…
Jesus Christ, he couldn't do this right now. He loved Ashura, but he couldn't do this while coming down.
"You know you're one of the few people I take advice from, right?" Fai forced a smile and Ashura frowned.
"That may be—but you're suffering. I want to help you. I can't if you don't tell me what's going on." Other than his twin—Ashura was the only person Fai had met who could read him like an open book.
While it was wonderful to be understood like that—he couldn't have this conversation right now.
"Suffering? That's dramatic, baba. My life is hardly so interesting." Fai took another bite—forcing it down even though his stomach as starting to flutter uncomfortably.
The anxiety was bubbling back up and he couldn't stop it. He shouldn't be making his father worry like this, dammit! How freaking hard was it to just be fucking normal?
"I don't know if you think I don't notice because we only see each other in passing—but I know that look in your eyes."
The look of him being strung out on coke? Or the look he got when he had to face life without its help?
"I'm fine. A little stressed, but I am ok."
"You haven't taken a sick day in 10 years, child." Ashura finally turned his attention away—his eyes focusing in front of him but not on anything in particular.
Fai couldn't handle those kind, gold eyes looking at him with worry.
He should be better than this—he shouldn't be causing him to worry.
"I take vacations."
"But you don't miss work. I am worried you're in a bad place. I don't think you see how thin you have stretched yourself."
Fai didn't answer.
He didn't trust himself to speak evenly as he blinked away the curious moisture that was gathering in his eyes. He didn't have the energy for a full-blown breakdown.
Ashura was interrupting his routine to avoid it.
Fai needed to be alone until he could control himself. If he couldn't do that, he would have a meltdown and spill his guts about how fucking bad it was.
He couldn't do that. Fai needed to be strong. He was the strong one in their family.
"Fai—I'm not sure how to help you. You haven't been talking to me like you used to. You're working too hard and I don't know if it's because you need the distraction or because you think you have to." Ashura ran a hand through his hair—keeping his gaze locked in front of him.
Fai didn't think he had to work so hard—he had no choice.
If he didn't, he would be left dealing with his brain—which was trying harder to off him than Reed at the moment.
He had no chance if he didn't keep busy.
"I realized today when you were talking about your date and his dog that I haven't seen you truly happy in years. I saw a glimmer of the old you—I didn't realize—I didn't see how bad it had gotten." His father said slowly.
Ashura was always careful when he chose his words—especially when he talked to Fai about the taboo topic of feelings.
Fai still didn't answer. He avoided it by taking another bite of his dinner and mentally cursed the single tear that managed to slip free.
He needed to keep it together.
He took another bite of his food and wiped quickly at his cheek.
He could not start crying now. Fai wouldn't be able to stop.
"—How can I help you, Fai? Just tell me what I need to do. You know I would give anything to see you happy again."
He could not do this tonight. His chest was getting impossibly tight and he wasn't sure if he could stop this if Ashura didn't leave him alone soon.
Fai managed to swallow after a few attempts and slowly took deep breaths as he tried to find his voice.
"I don't need help. I'll take more time from work, so you don't have to worry." His voice quivered slightly, and Ashura finally looked at him.
He didn't say anything about Fai wiping away another stray tear roughly.
Ashura looked at him for a good minute—gold eyes analyzing his features and the way he was holding himself.
Fai didn't know what he saw.
"Why are you shutting me out like this? Whatever it is—"
No. Fai couldn't… Not about the stress at work—not about fighting his thoughts through this fucking backlash—Ashura didn't need to worry.
He needed to be alone. He needed to lie so Ashura would leave and he could get himself under control.
Fuck.
Fai mentally apologized to Yuui as he cut his father off.
"—The anniversary… it's in a few weeks. It's just hard this year for whatever reason"
Anything but the truth—no one questioned him when it came to mourning his twin—even if it wasn't truly what was wrong.
"It is. Do you want to talk about why?" Ashura reached out and wiped away the next tear.
Using THAT as an excuse made him feel like garbage. The fact that he hardly thought about Yuui these days—the days he should be—only added fuel to the emotional fire.
"Can I just sleep?" his voice cracked, and he bit the inside of his cheek. "Maybe another day?"
Fai really needed to be alone now.
He couldn't keep it together.
He was such a piece of fucking shit—but he was not scaring his family.
Not again.
"Ok, Fai." Ashura ruffled his hair and smiled kindly at him. He let himself out of the room and Fai all but tossed his food aside and laid back on the bed to suck in a few deep breaths and let the tears fall freely.
They would dry up.
This couldn't last forever.
He would get his emotions under check—he would stop worrying his family—he just had to get over the freaking hump.
His whole reason for doing this was for them. He could get through tonight for his family. For his father…
He just had to get to tomorrow.
Baby steps.
Fai had gotten pretty good at dealing with his inner demons over the years. Work had been his way of dealing with his depression—normally when thoughts of self harm or worse hit him, he would go to work, and it would distract him long enough for them to pass.
It had been his go to for the last 12 years. He hadn't hurt himself physically in 12 whole years—not after he'd taken it too far and scared the shit out of his loved ones.
There was a reason his father had felt the need to corner him tonight—he thought it was getting bad again. He didn't know that it had never really gotten better.
Fai had just found better ways to channel that energy.
When he had first lost Yuui, when he was still working street corners and getting the stuffing beat out of him by other dealers, when his father had just come home from the hospital, he hadn't known how to deal with these dark thoughts.
Granted—back then, it they were not set free by chemical withdrawal—they had been 100% organic and the result of pure stress.
Ashura had found him in bed after he had fallen asleep with fresh wounds on his thighs—the blood soaking into the sheets and painting a grizzly picture. It was messy, but the wounds had been superficial.
Back then, it had been a way to get his control back and push the more dangerous thoughts away. His brain could hurt him mentally—but Fai could hurt himself physically. The bad thoughts were not reality—Fai controlled his reality.
Family therapy had been helpful—he had thrown himself into work at the doctor's suggestion of keeping busy. It had worked, too—for a while, he had loved the thrill and the challenge of it.
At some point, his escape became a prison of its own, though—that's when he had started using various illegal substances to cope and somehow, he had gotten to where he was now.
He couldn't get out.
So he had to keep the lies going and that made him a shitty son.
The lies were better than letting his father know that he had raised a career criminal. That would probably kill Ashura.
It would be easier if Fai just offed himself…
Neither of those were viable options—only lying kept their family together even if it was slowly choking out their relationship.
Ashura was no idiot—but somehow Fai had managed to keep it going all these years.
Hiding behind half truths and relying on his father's head injury and poor memory to prevent him from piecing things together.
His father had a killer instinct when it had come to business. Fai had gotten TONS of advice over the years, but he always had to come up with a way to ask for it without mentioning the fact that the product his was selling wasn't just booze or food—but Drugs, alcohol, women, men and also food.
It helped to get advice from him. Even if Ashura didn't know the whole truth, Fai depended on him in that way.
Unknowingly, his father had helped him form most of his policies he had when it came to his enforcers, dealers, escorts and plain old employees. The man had a skill for leading and was a wealth of knowledge when it came to human nature and how to use it to your advantage.
Ashura was the one who had told him that it was easier to get what you wanted with a smile and kind words—and how to bend someone's will if that didn't work. Ashura was the one who had helped him climb the ranks by teaching how to win over his 'coworkers' and catch the eye of his 'managers' until he had enough support to 'buy out the business.'
Aka—how to charm his fellow dealers into not kicking his ass—how to go the extra mile and earn the notice of people higher up the chain of command and become their go to guy—or how to stage a coup.
Actually, Ashura had also been the first to give him the knowledge he needed to not only get away with murder, but also gave him some shifty ideas how to do it cleanly, and without leaving evidence.
Perks of picking his brain about the dozens of murderers he had helped defend.
It was easy enough to get that info after sitting through a serial killer documentary and picking his brain about 'what if's.'
It wasn't like Fai couldn't talk to him about anything having to do with his work—but the lying was exhausting. There were so many things he couldn't bring up that he had started avoiding it all together.
Fai would probably kill to be able to just have a good cry and vent to his father about how much he HATED all of this. The lies, the smiles, the power struggles, the constant problems, all the people depending on him.
He hated it.
He was exhausted and there was no way out.
Fai couldn't tell him about the biggest things weighing him down.
Fai couldn't tell him that he had started using hardcore again—that he knew he had gotten bad, but dammit! Not this bad.
He didn't want to be like this.
Fai couldn't tell Ashura that he had been right—Kurogane sorta made him feel a little bit like his old self. That he wouldn't mind having him around for a little while to lean on—because even though he also couldn't talk to the cop about any of this stressful shit—his arms were big, strong, and warm—and when they were together, he forgot about the stress of work.
That he had actually slept for the first time in what felt like years surrounded by the man's scent.
If he told Ashura about those feelings, he was going to encourage Fai to give in to his body's craving for the younger man's comfort—and he didn't think he had the resolve to resist.
Not when these fucking thoughts were back.
Fai couldn't tell Ashura that he was tempted to drag his ass back to the stress of work when he felt like this just so he could get his coke and feel in control.
For that short time where he would feel that he had everything handled—that even though he was flirting with demise, it would be ok.
He couldn't tell him—could hardly admit to himself, really, that the coke just wasn't doing it anymore. That he wanted something harder—something to take these feelings away.
He needed to feel numb…
That was a line he knew he couldn't cross. Fai was reckless but he wasn't stupid enough to start using the real hard stuff—coke was no joke but compared to some of the things he sold? Maybe cocaine was just as addictive—especially to someone like himself—and the come down sucked.
The difficulty concentrating, exhaustion mixed with restlessness, anhedonia, the increased depression and anxiety, suicidal thoughts, vivid nightmares, tremors and cravings were no walk in the park.
They would leave sooner or later, though—his brain would reroute, and he would learn to live without it without medical intervention.
When it finally did, he would be left with his normal depression, which was bad—but he wasn't normally this bad.
If he jumped up the ladder even one more step when it came to his products, he was fucked. He wouldn't be able to quit on his own—he would lose his family. Either from an overdose or getting killed by a competitor when he was too high to see them coming.
Fai's business was mainly the import and sale of illegal drugs—he knew his shit. He knew more than most when it came to micro dosing, tapering down, withdrawal, addiction and how it affected you.
He had tried almost everything at least once—with a few exceptions—and in his younger days he had really enjoyed recreational use of a lot of party drugs. It was about 7 maybe 8 years ago that recreational use had crossed the line to self-medication.
Which was fine. It wasn't like he wasn't actually medicated before. He didn't just decide to start popping pills one day.
He had taken ADHD pills through high school and his year at university after a teacher had suggested he see a doctor when he was having issues keeping up with his twin and other peers in school.
He hadn't had traditional symptoms of childhood ADHD but he was a textbook case for an adult. Impulsiveness, disorganization and problems prioritizing, poor time management skills, trouble multitasking, frequent mood swings and trouble coping with stress had left him struggling to keep up as a freshman in high school.
A little yellow pill in the morning and another at lunch had him landing straight A's and matching Yuui step for step again.
When he started working as a dealer again after moving home, he had just bought his pills through work.
It had been easy to slowly up the dose as he started working harder and longer. Other people in his line of work, more experienced in the art of pill popping, had assured him it was no big deal.
It wasn't like Adderall or Ritalin got him high, after all—just helped him to keep his head in the game while he was cutting, weighing, and packaging product—after all, you did not want to accidentally miscount the stack of 100's you got as payment when you knew what happened to dealers who skimmed.
It was no different than how Caffeine didn't make him jittery or sugar didn't make him hyper.
His brain was chemically fucked like that.
It wasn't a big deal. You'll be fine, don't be a pussy. If the doctors gave it to you, what's the difference?
When he first tried coke, it had been at a meeting with the man who used to have his job. Fai hadn't tried it—hadn't known then at 20 that at its base Adderall and Cocaine were in the same family.
Amphetamines.
Stimulants.
His boss had laughed his ass off that Fai was afraid to try it, and had pitched it as basically an illegal version of something doctors had prescribed him.
What was the big deal?
Coke didn't give him the rush he had been expecting. What it did for him was totally shut his racing thoughts down and the intense clarity was something that had him coming back for more.
It made him better at his job.
It hadn't been a big deal—it was not like it was meth or crack, right?
It was just a party drug—it was relatively safe.
Fai wished he had been smart enough to get on fucking google and learn about this shit. After he had offed his boss and taken the reins, he had actually taken the time to do just that.
You know what wasn't a big jump from Cocaine?
Meth. Crack. Several other things that were on the list of taboos…
They also had extremely similar effects on the body. They just came from a different source. One stimulant was not that different from another once you started digging into how they did their job.
That scared the absolute shit out of him.
For a while, that had been enough to get him to stop. Impulsive desperation had brought him back after a year or so—he would lean on it for a while, then switch back to Adderall.
Over the years, he would go back to his 'little helper' more often, and for longer periods of time.
It was easy to point out that it didn't make him high—Fai didn't get aggressive when using—there was no rush—it just gave him a clear head.
Something he needed in his line of work. It shut the racing thoughts down and allowed him to focus on one thing at a time. To keep his cool.
Sure, it left him feeling like suicidal trash every time he stopped—but that wore off after a while. When he needed that extra ace in the hole, it was a nice thing to have.
Of course—people didn't care about any of that. They didn't care why he used—he was a drug addict because he self-medicated.
Fai didn't need his family to tag him as that. They didn't need to worry about him like that. So, he would deal with the shitty feelings and the bad thoughts and tell himself that it was for them.
He might not be able to talk to his father about any of this—but he could make it another day for him.
Baby steps.
Baby steps were key.
0o0o0
I tore my soul out. ouch. This was HARD. Really really hard.
Like Fai has sooooo much going on and I don't think I can write it properly?
Anyways—for real rambles author rambles now!
So not to spread my business on the internet but things like dealing with addiction and mental illness has always hit close to home for different reasons. For a while I actually dated a shit bag who was also a drug dealer and Even funnier is I am now happily engaged to someone who works in the legal field (this is actually where a lot of inspo for this story comes from and why Ashura and Taishakuten are Atty's. lol I couldn't help it!) as do I. So I hear about this stuff all day long.
Working with 'criminals' forces you to see the world a little differently? Like I have met some people convicted of TERRIBLE things but they're not always bad people. That's not portrayed in mainstream media enough—especially the fact that most people who end up with a record are struggling with addiction or other mental health issues.
Huge shout out to my beta and co-creator Malabava~ They are the bomb~
Don't for getting got leave me your thoughts and critiques as they are always appreciated!