私に薬の主人を呼んではいけない

by Kyoko0001

Fai doesn't think the term 'drug lord' is an accurate description of his line of work. Of course, it's hard to explain exactly what it is you do when you find out that your Tinder crush is an officer at the Tokyo police department. Modern Day AU. KuroFai. Mentions of other CLAMP ships here and there. Full list of warnings at the beginning of each chapter.

8. Chapter 8

Warnings! Suicidal thoughts and actions in this chapter!

0o0o0

Fai's ringtone was blaring as he pulled into the parking garage that sat under the 4th tallest building in all of Tokyo—the very same building that his father and stepfather's firm was in—and the same building that housed Yuuko's favorite restaurant to talk business.

Fai both loved and hated this restaurant. He could remember Sashi bringing him and his twin up to get dinner with their father on nights he would work late at the office. He and Yuui would always split an order Pasta Alfredo and get a chocolate lava cake for dessert.

Even after the divorce, the two of them would swing past work after school to get dinner if they knew Ashura and Tai were working late. Auntie Yuuko had often joined them, too—and this was also the place she took Fai to on his 20th birthday.

That had been his first birthday without Yuui to share it with—and he had gotten so drunk he had puked in the back seat of her car… To be fair—she should have known better. But Taishakuten was not amused when Yuuko had dropped him back off at home, crying incoherently and apologizing about ruining the white carpet of her brand new Audi…

It was kinda on her for getting a custom car with white carpet, to begin with… but at the time, he had felt terrible.

This was the place Fai had first fessed up to the shady shit he had gotten himself into. He had chosen to tell Yuuko here because she couldn't murder him in public—as expected, she had not been happy about the news.

Fai had a feeling he was in for a serious lecture—hence the location.

While the firm sat on the 54th floor, you had to go all the way up to the tippy top to hit their meeting spot. The view was lovely and Yuuko had their usual table reserved, so at least Fai could enjoy the Tokyo skyline while he was getting lectured.

He snagged Tai's reserved spot—he had probably gone home to be with Ashura hours ago, so he didn't sweat it. After putting the car in park, he sent the call to voicemail and pulled the baggie out of the inner breast pocket of his jacket.

He didn't want to have to dip out in the middle of dinner, so he might as well take care of that before he went up.

/I'm a patient woman, Fai, but you're 45 minutes late.

/I am not the type of lady you stand up on a dinner date.

No—No, she wasn't.

She would hopefully understand once he explained his night so far. She would need a heads up on the investigations that were going to be coming his way, anyway.

\Just pulled in.

\I hope you're excited to wrack up some billable hours

\This night has been a hot mess.

\Please order me whatever you're having and I'll be up in 5.

/Fine. Don't get kidnapped on your way up.

Fai shook his head slowly and stuck his phone in his pocket. He usually had a rule that he didn't do this in his car—definitely not this car—but he was not about to do it in the bathroom of the restaurant.

He preferred lines but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do—and tonight that meant tapping a generous amount of the powder onto the back of his fisted hand so that he had a neat mound—and plugged one nostril and snuffed.

Switch hands—re-up—and repeat with the other side.

Now the real question was, could he get the elevator down here and all the backup top before he ran out of time? Yuuko was not happy with him—and she might just punish him for his recent bad behavior. Their relationship was very much her way or the highway—and he did not have time to take the highway.

Not with two of his boys sitting in jail on class A felonies, two bodies on his hands, and the beginning of a power struggle starting.

In the elevator, he watched as emails finally started to trickle back in—lots of questions from managers and even a few names he didn't recognize right off the bat—tip-offs.

Good.

He needed all the info he could get. It was nice to know that killing Ryuu off in such an obscene way was enough to scare people straight.

One good thing—Yuuko didn't give a shit if he worked while they talked. He only ran a few minutes over his promise, but he tried not to read into the look she gave him as he slid into the seat across from her and sipped the martini she had ordered him.

Not his drink of choice—but hopefully that would help him avoid a hangover three days in a row.

"On a scale of one to ten, how done with my shit are you." Fai flashed her a perfect smile as he set his drink back down, and her expression didn't change as she watched him.

"Eleven." Yuuko sipped her own drink—tone flat—expression very unamused.

"How many numbers do I get before I have to worry?" Fai chuckled and Yuuko turned her crimson eyes to look out the window.

It was never a good thing when she was quiet.

"Is it because I was late, because you caught me in bed with a cop or because I have two new messes for you?" Fai went to take another sip from his drink but ended up knocking the entire thing back.

He could use the buzz now but should be better off on the driving front if he cut himself off after this one drink and switched to water for the rest of their talk.

"You're higher than a kite, Fai." His aunt didn't look directly at him, but she was watching his reflection in the flawless glass of the window and also didn't miss the sharp breath he took in.

Was he that high?

He felt pretty normal, to be honest—almost alive—but not quite there.

"You know, our situation last night?" Fai liked to think that most people would be just as high—if not higher—if they had had the kinda night he had. "It wasn't an OD. One of my rats laced the product."

That peaked her attention and Yuuko locked eyes with him, a silent prompt to continue and dish.

"With rat poison."

"My, my. No wonder you've been tripping over yourself, but I still don't think that is really enough to excuse your current state." Well, Fai would probably still be hitting the snow hard if he hadn't just had to make an example out of Ryuu—but letting her know about that would certainly help his case.

"Oh, there is more—I'll be the first to 'fess up that I am not taking this stress well—but hear me out." Yuuko all but rolled her eyes at him—she has heard it all before, after all.

"You said rats. As in, more than one… and they're using rat poison?"

"Surprise, surprise! Peace doesn't last forever in my business… I had to make an example out of a kid today and he was most likely the lowest man on the totem pole in this little scheme…" That was probably the most brutal example he was going to make.

Fai couldn't do that again anytime soon. Not, if he wanted to preserve any scrap of humanity and mental sanity he might have left. His nerves were still buzzing and the shock of it continued to wear off...

It was gonna be a hell of a night.

Fai was gonna need to numb out before it really hit him.

"What kind of example?" The waiter swung by the table and both Fai and Yuuko slapped on the most pleasant smiles they could manage as they greeted him.

Fai needed to eat, even though he had no appetite. It wasn't uncommon for him to go more than 24 hours without food but he had a feeling part of the reason why he couldn't stop shaking had a lot to do with the fact that he had been really shitty on the food front for months now.

He ordered some Pasta Alfredo for nostalgia's sake and denied a second martini in favor of some water. Their waiter thanked them for their orders and hustled off, leaving them to continue their conversation.

"Something must be wrong. Last I knew, you were on a strict candy and RedBull diet." Yuuko was not one for moderation and Fai had no idea how she managed to stay so thin given her eating habits—she ordered the prime rib and another dry martini—Fai was sure she had had a few before he had shown up.

"I wanted to make a point to my people, so I made him finish off the laced product… it was messy and terrible to watch and I am not in a good head space." this time it was Fai who chose to watch her reaction through the window rather than directly.

Yuuko was strict—she would kick his ass into next week the second she thought he was out of control—but even she had to understand this.

"You need a vacation." Yuuko sighed and Fai didn't know if that was just a comment or a command.

He would love a vacation, but that wasn't going to happen any time soon.

Flying to some remote location and hiding from humanity for a week or so would probably do him wonders.

"You know I can't. I need to quash this before it gets out of control." Fai looked past their reflections and watched the traffic buzzing past in the streets below. He was going to have a hell of a time getting to Akai Heya before the investigators showed.

Hinoto would stall for him, of course… Given how pissed his aunt was, he at least didn't have to worry about getting stuck listening to the latest gossip or entertain too much small talk.

It would work out—at least that was what he told himself as his chest continued to flutter nervously.

He probably didn't need any more snow to be up—his nerves were doing that for him all on their own, it seemed.

"Handle it fast, then. I understand you're under a lot of stress, but don't think for a second that I will look the other way while you fuck your life up worse than you already have." Yuuko sighed and finished off her own drink and the waiter was dropping her off another one within seconds. "So you poisoned one rat. What will you do with the rest?"

"Well...not the same thing as with the one I caught today, that is for sure." Fai was writing poison off his things-to-commit-murder-with list for good. Unless it was gonna be quick and clean— he could do without.

"Well—Rats become immune quick, anyways. They also breed like rabbits, so what's the plan?" Yuuko leaned back in her seat and crossed her arms over her chest while giving him an expectant look.

Fai must have spoiled her over the years by having his shit together enough to be a step or two ahead… He hadn't gotten that far—he was still catching up on what had been going down right underneath his nose without his notice.

Fai was resourceful, though. He would be back on top after he got his shit together—Yuuko couldn't know he ever let things get that far away from him.

"I have my best trying to flush out the next one up the chain and I scared my little kittens bad enough that I am getting flooded with clues. Once I am done meeting with you, it's off to Akai Heya to meet the investigatio—"

"I know my nephew is not that stupid." Yuuko cut him off and managed to look down at him even though Fai knew damn well he had height on her.

Fai flashed her a tight smile and she seemed even more annoyed that he didn't seem to have any idea what she was talking about.

"You grew up with two dads who are attorneys—your dear old auntie has been counciling you on legal matters for years… Why are you going to meet with people investigating a crime without your attorney there?"

Oh, that was easy—Yuuko's presence would only make it more complicated. He needed them to think there was nothing amiss and Fai Flourite didn't lawyer up for small things like this.

"Because I am a career criminal and those cops are on my payroll. Akai Heya is going to be shut down permanently and everything moved out before they will have time to get the warrant." Fai tried to keep his tone polite but stress bled into his smile despite his efforts. "Everyone is on the same page and while they're coming to see if we've seen our soupy friend… there is no reason for them to suspect that I—or my staff there—are actually involved in his death."

"I don't like it. You're being reckless again. Two bodies in two days. Any idea how much time that could land you with?" She sipped her drink again and went back to staring out the window.

Fai was very well aware, but he also knew she liked to remind him.

"Would it make you feel better if you came with me? You're welcome to see how I roll. You might just be surprised at how well padding the cop's pockets bodes for things like this." Fai usually got tipped off before the cops showed at one of his places and he usually handled it without so much as mentioning it to his attorney.

People went missing all the time and when you owned most of the popular night scenes, you ended up connected to things more often than not. He had learned after a year or two into this how to deal. It was a well-practiced dance—that was as official as it got and he always got off without much more than a request to install security cameras.

"No. I can't be connected to anything like that going on. I want details. A call as soon as it's over and you need to tell me every last scrap of that conversation so I can be prepared if need be." Fair enough. "You've been lax on the communication lately. Fix that."

"Deal—so long as you don't come over and wake me up before my alarm unless someone is dying." Fai's smile was a little easier this time and Yuuko snorted.

"Excuse me, but you are the one who decided to keep me in the dark about the OD. I had to text your father to make sure you had even turned up at home at the end of the night. Imagine my surprise when he fills me in that you were so busy with your new boyfriend you forget to tell me that you had things handled." Yuuko took a long sip of her drink and Fai couldn't do anything but shrug.

He had been overwhelmed and started drinking—he didn't remember much of last night.

"He's not my boyfriend. He was a three-night stand that has been cut loose." And it was better off this way. It would get Seishiro and Yuuko off his back and Kurogane could continue to do his thing without Fai being a hot mess and ruining his life.

Win-win for everyone but himself—though staying outta jail was a nice perk.

"Oh, Ashura ratted your cute little self denying ass out. He is not just a three-night stand, lover boy." Yuuko finally cracked a smile and Fai sighed.

People really needed to stop pointing out just how much he liked Kurogane.

It would be really helpful.

"What exactly do you mean?" Yuuko asked and he shrugged. Fai really wished he remembered last night.

Kurogane being there in the morning had been… well, both wonderful and stressful.

It had been amazing to see that Kurogane fit in with them, because… well, Fai had never brought a boy home that his fathers hadn't hated with a fiery passion. Sure, the last time he had done that, he had been in high school and had been dating an asshat.

Similar deal, different reaction. Ok—he was not underaged this time—and while he and Kuro-cutie had planned to slip upstairs to sleep, he had not snuck him in through the window.

That probably had a lot to do with it.

That and the fact that both Ashura and Tai were constantly asking when he was planning on settling down… even given the mortifying start to the morning, they had both rolled with the punches with surprisingly good humor.

Kurogane had liked them, too...which was also a nice surprise. Fai had no idea how everyone ended up getting along and he had decided not to worry too much about it.

It was over, after all, so no point in wasting the brainpower. He would explain that to his parents tomorrow before he left for work.

Yuuko reached into her purse and pulled out her phone. Unlocking it, she quickly pulled up her text messages, scrolled up a bit and showed them to Fai.

\How is my partner in crime doing?

/Fine. What's going on?

\Nothing serious. I was just checking in to make sure that Fai made it home ok.

\We were having coffee and he had to jet. He was supposed to let me know when he made it home.

\I know how busy he gets so I assume he is sleeping and not ignoring me.

/He just headed back to bed.

/This morning has been interesting to say the least. He got in early

/Well. Early for him anyways and he brought a friend.

\Oh?

\Is that a good thing?

/He's been giggling and smiling like I haven't seen him do in years.

/His friend seems like a nice young man as well.

\So Fai finally got himself a boyfriend!

/I don't think they have labeled it.

/Though he was in my kitchen this morning shirtless and stuck in a pair of handcuffs.

/I am not sure what else you would call that type of relationship.

/Boyfriend seems fitting.

\He must have made quite the impression on you and the husband then.

\Pray tell…

\How did he get stuck in a pair of handcuffs?

/Poor dear fell victim to Fai's antics.

/I am sure he didn't handcuff himself or lose the key, so that only leaves one culprit.

/We cannot stop laughing.

/He kept his cool but he has to be mortified. I sent Tai to go get some bold cutters and we at least were able to clip the chain so he could get a shirt on.

\He's still there?

/Yes. I assume Kurogane does not have work today.

/Fai never leaves before 5-6ish.

\But he does have a job?

\I know Fai never attracts the best company.

/Yes. He works as an officer for the Tokyo police department.

\Fai is dating a cop? Our Fai?

/It would seem so.

\Well isn't that interesting.

\Mind if I stop by to take a look with my own eyes?

/By all means.

\Kk. See you soon!

Fai sighed and handed the phone back. He knew that Yuuko and his father pretty much told each other everything, but it was nice to know he really had been ratted out by his own father.

"So? I broke it off this morning. It's over." Fai sipped his water and Yuuko did not look like she was buying it.

Why was no one believing him?

"Just like that, then?" She said just as the waiter returned to the table with their food and they both shooed him away with assurances that they really were fine and didn't need anything else.

"Just like that. Why does everyone assume I am gonna overhaul my life for some man I met on Tinder?" Fai scowled down at his plate and pushed the food around.

He knew it would be tasty, but he had no appetite at all.

"Maybe because you are extremely impulsive? How long has it been since something actually made you happy, Fai?" Yuuko had no such reservations about her food and dug right in.

That was a dangerous question—but a good one. She was always full of good questions. Fai was far too close to a mental breakdown to think about how he was doomed to be forever alone.

"I don't need a boyfriend to be happy." That was Fai's default response whenever anyone pulled that rational with him.

Usually, it shut them right down, but Yuuko only rolled her eyes.

"I didn't say someone—I said something. I'm actually quite worried about you—and not just about your legal issues." Well as sweet as that was, Fai didn't want to talk about Kurogane.

What was done, was done—and he had no intention of changing his mind. I wasn't safe for him, Kurogane or his people, so it just didn't make sense.

It would be selfish.

Fai took his first bite so he didn't have to answer that and turned to look out the window. His hit from earlier was starting to wear off and he didn't know how much longer he could sit here and play nice… there was so much he needed to do.

A short silence fell over the table. Yuuko apparently waited for him to say something—she finally spoke up when the silence game continued. "You're worrying your father, too, you know? He thinks your depression is getting worse again and hopes it's just because we're getting closer to the anniversary."

"I have a lot going on right now. It will calm down." It always did.

Fai just needed to sniff out and deal with a few more rats before that could happen.

"Even Tai mentioned that he is worried about you. So you know you really must be freaking the two of them out." Yuuko took another bite of her food and so did Fai.

He didn't want to talk about it.

He was doing his best. There was no lack of time, effort or stress on his part to keep this whole show on the road. Fai didn't have anything left to give.

Another long silence and Fai set his fork aside and sighed. "Any news on how my stray kittens' cases are going?"

Two of his boys were still in jail, still away from their families and still missing their classes. Yuuko hadn't updated him on how much money he needed to move her way, so it was probably safe to assume that there was no changes.

Still, though—it was a safe topic.

"Well, they're still in jail and it looks like it's going to stay that way for the time being. I am going to see about setting things over and stalling until closer to election time." Yuuko didn't sound too concerned about it, which was reassuring.

Election season was the best time of year to swing favors with the people who ran the city—so while that was still a few months off, a few months in jail were better than 20+ years in prison.

Fai would reimburse them for the classes they were missing. It was the least he could do, considering it was his fault they were in there in the first place. He tried very hard to keep his people from picking up records or having their life affected drastically by their line of work—but there was only so much he could do.

"Am I allowed to visit them or would that cause too many issues?" Everyone knew who they worked for, so it wasn't as though it would be some huge surprise that Fai Flourite was visiting his dealers in jail—but he didn't want to make Yuuko's case load any more difficult.

"You'd better not. Keep your nose clean and deal with your little rebellion before you get a one way ticket to hang out with your twin 6 feet under." Yuuko took another bite of her food and Fai felt a pang in his chest.

That wouldn't be so bad, but their dad still needed him.

Still... ouch.

Yuuko really knew how to hit him where it hurts.

"I'll do my best. Speaking of which—dad wants to go visit him for the anniversary." Fai took another bite and Yuuko studied him for a moment before answering.

"You still won't get near it, hm?" Fai shook his head back and forth at her question.

Nope. He couldn't deal with that, not even after 14 years. He would be doing what he usually did on that day…so someone else would have to go with dad.

"Tai isn't going?"

Tai always went. That was not why Fai was asking her to go—Sashi was going to be there. That was one more reason why Fai didn't want to go—but she was coming with Ash because apparently, on the 15th anniversary of Yuui's death, she suddenly cared about the fact that one of her sons had died in a violent accident.

" She is going to be there. Someone needs to keep Taishakuten's mouth in check and dad needs extra support… besides me, you're the only one who can handle all three of them in the same room. If you don't go, Ash might just crawl down and decide to stay with Yuui so he doesn't have to deal with our parents."

Ash had been less than a year old when their parents had called it quits and he had only been 4 or 5 when Yuui had passed away. He didn't remember the sweet Yuui that had been his loving older brother—he only remembered the ghost that haunted their family.

Which—it broke Fai's heart that his little brother didn't remember his better half… He only went to support his father. Yuui's memory was a burden to him, not something he cherished like the rest of the family.

Sashi had gone off the rails after the accident and Fai would NEVER forgive her. Now, he may have come out of things almost totally fine minus some amnesia the day of the accident and going blind in his left eye—But he had been out a few weeks.

Not like Ashura, sure—but right after the accident, the doctors didn't know if he was going to wake up. He had had a slight concussion but nothing that explained being in a coma for three weeks. When he had woken up, it had been chalked up to the trauma of seeing his brother die in the front seat and he had been given a counselor and sent home with his step dad.

While he had been out, Taishakuten had had to deal with everything. From not knowing if Fai or his husband were going to pull through to the funeral for Yuui and childcare for Ash. Tai was a shaker and a mover, but even he had only so much mental bandwidth and he had thought he could trust Sashi with her son and had packed him up and let her come get him.

Now— you would think that after being married to his father for over 25 years and damn near all of her adult life, she might just step up and help, right?

No.

Oh, she took Ash in a heartbeat—she had moved on after the divorce surprisingly fast but had never forgiven his dad over winning sole custody of her 'only' son. She got partial custody of Fai and Yuui—she was supposed to get them for summers and holidays, but she never took advantage of that right.

Only cried and pitched a fit over Ash.

So the second Ashura was in the hospital and she got Ash back, she ditched town. Well—actually, she ditched the entire country and had gone home to 'visit' her parents because 'she had been so heartbroken.'

She didn't come to see Fai or Ashura in the hospital. She didn't come to her own son's funeral. She had had the audacity to fight his dad tooth and nail about bringing Ash back to Japan once he came to.

His father, being the saint that he was, didn't have her charged with kidnapping—against everyone's advice.

Granted, things had simmered down a lot since then.

Ash hardly remembered the year he spent overseas—but he sure as hell remembered how angry Ashura and Tai were at his mother. There were very few times Fai could remember Ashura raising his voice—but the day Sashi brought his youngest son home, Fai didn't know someone so gentle could get so angry.

Ash had seen his mother all but run out of the house crying—and had been left to try and adapt back to a home he didn't remember. Ashura refused visitation for Sashi until after Ash had turned 18 and could make his own decisions and his baby brother had moved out and hardly looked back.

Ashura understood. Fai understood. Hell—even Tai, who was the least empathetic person you would ever meet, understood.

Ash was still just a kid and as soon as tensions started to rise between the adults, he noped the fuck outta there. Fai didn't want there to be anymore strain between Ash and their father—it was already hard enough as it was without adding grief filled fuel to the fire.

Fai would do it—but he had his own mental trauma to deal with and would probably set Seishiro and Fuuma on Sashi if she said the wrong thing to him… so best to leave it to auntie Yuuko.

"I thought Ash and your dad were ok again?" Yuuko took another bite of her food and Fai shrugged.

"He's at that age. I was probably just as self centered." Up until the accident, anyways.

He didn't want Ash to have to go through that just to learn how to put other people first. There would probably be a lesser family crisis that would snap him outta his funk sooner or later.

"At that age, you were selling your soul to keep your family out of debt. Ash lets you pay for his tuition, his car note, insurance, phone and last I heard you sent him a large sum to get some new clothes since he had a growth spurt. He is a bit of a snot." Fai shook his head slowly and smiled.

Oh well. Fai was a bit on the snotty side, too, most of the time.

"He gets it from our mom. Could be worse." Fai managed a few more bites of his dinner and even with his lack of appetite—the food was satisfying.

"I will make sure I go with them. It's been a while since I went along anyways. When we're done you better come down and get sloshed with me? No locking yourself in that dusty old room all day." Yeah—that probably wasn't going to happen, but he smiled and nodded, nonetheless.

"—Let's see… what else…" Yuuko set her fork down and glanced about the room as she hummed in thought. "We squared away your not-boyfriend… your 'soupy' friend—"

"Friends. My clean up crew is taking care of number two as we speak." They should be texting him an update any time now, letting him know it had all been taken care of.

"...friends… You are going to update me on what goes on with the investigators… We are working on getting your stray kittens out of the slammer… What else is going on with you?"

Fai pushed the remainder of his food away. He had managed about a fourth of it, which, given how coked up he was, was probably a record for him. "Nothing much. You know Subaru, correct? The second floor manager at Kurōbā?"

"The one you grew up with?" Fai nodded. "Yes, what of him?"

"Subaru is keeping an eye on my habit—"

"—You mean serious addiction?"

"Sure." Fai managed not to roll his eyes and Yuuko was back to glaring at him. "I understand that what I am doing is bad for my body."

"But you're going to do it anyway because—?" his aunt knocked back the rest of her drink and Fai shifted uncomfortably under her harsh stare.

"Come down sucks. I fucked up. Chemically, it screws me up when I stop. I have to deal with Reed and stay sharp or you're going to be taking my dad to come visit me, next." Yuuko always appreciated brutal honesty and the stakes were no joke.

She's been through this with him before, though the last time, he was sure she didn't have any idea how bad it actually was. If he told her he was working on it hopefully she could have some patience with him.

"If you keep going like you're going, I'll be in the same boat. Take care of Reed and his rats and then, we are going to get you some help, ok?" Yuuko may have asked that in the form of a question—but there were no ifs, ands or buts that she was shipping his ass to rehab.

Last time he had "taken a vacation", he had ended up in a 30 day inpatient up in northern Japan. It hadn't been that bad, actually, and Yuuko had filled in for him so it probably had been more relaxing for him than an actual vacation would have been.

"Deal, as long as you send me somewhere nice." Fai winked and Yuuko shook her head slowly—finally relaxing.

So it was settled.

Good.

Dinner didn't last much longer once they had gotten the important business out of the way and soon enough, he was walking his aunt down to her car before hopping into his own and hitting the street.

Akai Heya was an annoying drive to make this time of night, but Fai remedied that by blaring music and leaving the top down on his car. The cool November air hitting his skin helped him keep in-the-now and he made it there with a few minutes to spare.

Fai pulled up in front of the building and tossed his keys at one of the two bouncers that were standing in the front, manning the line of 20-somethings that were looking to have a little fun before classes started up again.

Thankfully, inside was as busy as ever. The more people they had coming and going, the better. He took a moment to survey the night crowd before making a B-line to the back to double check that the cleaning crew had done a satisfactory job. Thankfully, there was no leftover blood or body parts chilling out—which was a good thing. He didn't want to have to punish anyone else for dumb mistakes. They had even managed to clear out the scent of the heavy duty chemicals they used for disposal, which was a huge plus.

They would be fine so long as they didn't bring a dog in here to sniff—not that he couldn't handle that.

Fai would rather like to avoid that…

Especially considering the only K9 office he knew…

Kuro-chan had told him that he didn't have work tonight, though. Soooo—if he didn't have to 'handle it', he wouldn't be put in that awkward situation. Seeing him again like that would be pretty uncomfortable and while Fai was a pro at playing fake-it-till-you-make-it, keeping a straight face would be out of his skill level.

If Seishiro's games were enough to shake him, he was not in a state to deal with that.

Though the fact that he was paranoid about something as unlikely as that meant he needed to cool it on the coke. Uppers and bad nerves were a dangerous mix and Fai didn't have time to deal with a panic attack or paranoid episodes…

Given the tightness in his chest and how many problems were hitting him at once? Keeping a handle on his mental state was going to be a fight as soon as he was home and lacked a distraction. He was already on edge—he was either going to have to deal with the emotional overload or fight it back.

Time would tell.

He didn't have an all nighter in him, that much was for sure—he knew better than to try that in his current state.

His visitors were a heck of a distraction, though, and Fai kept his calm-cool-boss mask firmly in place even as the employees of Akai Heya gave him slightly fearful looks.

While the police sniffing about one of his clubs was never fun or a relaxing affair—this didn't even make his list of top five things that made him feel like he couldn't take the pace. He had already accounted for this—prepared for it—and other than keeping up appearance, there wasn't much to worry about.

Compared to the other shit he had going.

Not when the officers that usually did missing person investigations were pretty much treating him as though he were worse than the devil himself. He had sent enough of them back to their families in body bags that they knew to come in, have a quick look around, ask minimal questions and get the fuck out.

Fai even tipped them if they did a good job. The less of his time they wasted, the more cash he put in the little manilla envelope. They got to keep their life and got a small token of gratitude for their trouble—and Fai didn't have to deal with murder charges.

Win-win right?

Fai took a seat at the bar to wait. The waitress paid extra care to get his order—and Fai settled on a club soda, hoping that the bubbles helped to settle his stomach.

He would have thought he was coming down with something if he didn't know for a fact that the upset stomach, painfully tight chest and overall icky feeling were pure anxiety. The adrenaline rush was fading and this was what he was left with.

Hitting the snow like it was nature's magic cure did not help with any of that...but what could he do? After so many years, Fai was used to feeling miserable most of the time. He just had to get through today—and he could do this all over again tomorrow—so on and so forth.

Not surprisingly, the investigators were right on time and he didn't have to wait long. People didn't really make a habit to be late to appointments with one of the most dangerous men in the city, thankfully. Fai spotted the two officers as they were led back to the office by one of the bouncers—they were wearing civilian clothes so as not to spook his customers.

Which meant that they remembered their lessons, at the very least.

Fai sipped on his water and let them wait—he didn't want to appear eager or nervous about their arrival. That, and letting them stew would build the tension further. And given their purposefully stoic expressions and squared shoulders? They were on edge and trying not to let him know.

Based on his years of experience? Fai needed to pay close attention to their words and body language. Something was up. They're were ether going to cough the info up willingly or he was going to have to get creative.

Fai didn't feel like being creative and so chose to let them sit in the century of enemy territory stewing. He knew investigator Vision and Metzro well—and while they were not easily shaken—the were both seasoned enough to know their place.

He had added them to his payroll way back in his early days and had yet to have any real issues with either of them. Of course… Fai had shot Vision's partner point blank and threatened to do the same to him if he didn't 'lose' some evidence. Metzro had been assigned to work with him next, and hadn't needed a warning—his senior partner made sure he was on the up and up.

Fai's cop hunting days were long behind him, though—even 8 or 9 years later, they still remembered the 'lessons' Fai had carefully taught them.

It wasn't impossible that they might get ballsy, of course—something as simple as a change in command could cause them to turn. Fai made a rule of not giving them any more information than absolutely necessary and was sure to keep his 'scary' mask on any time he was forced to deal with them directly.

It took him nearly half an hour to finish his water and he figured that was more than enough time for them to get good and anxious about what he might be planning to do to them. Fai thanked the bartender before meandering over to the entrance of the small office and pulling the door open, a lazy smile on his face as he entered.

"Good to see you two again, though I wish we were meeting under better circumstances." Fai didn't bother to shake either of their hands and walked around the desk before settling in the leather chair. "You have another missing person then?"

The officers both exchanged a quick look and Vision, the more senior of the two sighed and nodded. "Last seen here at Akai Heya by his girlfriend. I take it you know nothing about it?"

Fai shook his head slowly and frowned. "'Fraid not. We have a lot of traffic in and out of here as you're aware."

"Yes." Metzro answered with a deep sigh and Fai watched as the two of them exchanged another look and Fai quirked an eyebrow.

There was more going on for certain.

"Anything else I can do for you gentlemen?" They were either going to spit it out or Fai was going to force it out. When they glanced between each other for a third time, Fai was starting to lose his patience. "You seem nervous."

"Well—" Metzro started but was cut off by his partner.

"You didn't hear this from us. Deal, Fluorite?" Vision, being the more experienced of the two, was smart enough to bargain their safety. He didn't need to... but it was a good sign that he felt the need.

"Of course. You know I take care of my friends, darling." Fai winked and leaned forward to prop his chin upon his palm—seemingly at ease and not all that interested.

In reality, he was barely keeping it together. He really shouldn't have continued topping up—he felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest. His anxieties of one more thing being added to his plate were running wild, and he didn't have the energy for this act.

"The higher ups are getting a warrant to search this place. Looks like they plan on cracking down on you and your people after the last drug bust... and now a disappearance at one of your places." the officer spoke quickly but effectively and Fai gave an unamused hum.

Well—he expected that—had prepared for that—they were going to be totally out and gone by tomorrow morning. So why did he feel like those words had just sucker punched him?

Fai made sure to look as though he was mulling the information over, while in reality he was pissed at himself for not being able to beat back his emotions and focus on the task at hand. He was losing his touch and he NEEDED it right now.

"I am not surprised… Though, I appreciate you letting me know. What do they have on my little family and our business dealings?" Fai hoped this was the only place that was going to be raided. Every club was left 'clean' at the end of the night—no trace of less than legal product to be discovered should they get a surprise visit from the DEA.

He had been 'raided' many times before. and he had yet to have any violations filed or charges stick.

"Intel shows there might be someone trying to weasel in on your territory. Some former member of the Triads, I guess. We don't have eyes on him but our sources say he's in the city and ready to make a name for himself." Vision kept his eyes downcast as he spoke and Fai leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms.

If the cops were aware, then that meant there were more pieces to this puzzle that Fai had yet to locate. He didn't have the full picture and didn't know that he was missing.

Oh, how fun…

Seishiro and his enforcers were usually able to get him all the intel he needed without his interference—but before Fai had jumped to the ruling seat, he had been the person to go out and gather intel in situations such as these.

He had been damn good at it, too…

He may just need to put that hat back on and hit the pavement with Seishiro to see if two heads were better than one when it came to following leads… either his second was also losing his touch—or he was in on it.

Fai wouldn't survive if Seishiro was in on this power move… Fai felt a surge of panic but covered it by clearing his throat and taking a much needed deep breath.

He really needed to stop making up new problems.

Seishiro was just Seishiro—he didn't want to lead—it wasn't his thing. That was just his mind running ahead of him—he was wired and it was making him paranoid. If that man wanted him dead he would have done it when he had had Fai pinned.

He was still loyal.

"It happens in my line of work. Cute that the Commissioner is feeling brave enough to challenge me again. Seems you have baby boys in blue working that have no idea who I am, or why they shouldn't fuck with me . If you fail to educate your own—I will have no choice but to train them just like I trained you both." Fai gave an impossibly bright smile and watched all of the color drain from his old friends' faces.

They didn't seem to be able to muster words.

Of course, Fai was very well aware that he was putting them in a difficult position—they shouldn't be telling fellow officers to allow a crime group to roam the streets—but they would if they wanted to save lives.

He waited nearly a minute and when Vision and Metzro remained silent, he continued.

"—I will handle my own as I always have—you two make sure the commissioner understands that I have no qualms with putting him back in his place. Understood?" He dropped the smiling act to give them both a serious looks.

Vision was the one to answer after swallowing a few times. "We'll do that."

Fai and the commissioner had never actually met in person, but they had been in a standoff for years. That old coot understood that Fai doing his thing kept a lot of riffraff out of the streets. He might be importing, distributing and selling massive amounts of illegal substances in the city—but he had quality standards and rules that cut down on OD's and other drug related fatalities.

Before Fai, they had had several competing syndicates squabbling over turf in the dark alleyways and dimly lit side streets. There was no telling if a user was actually getting what they paid for—and the name of the game was hooking them young on the hard shit.

Fai might have escorts on staff—but they were all of legal age and consenting. He had totally dismantled the sex trafficking hub his old boss had built, so no more mail order brides, no more teens getting roped into selling their bodies to pay off drug debts, and definitely no more special orders for little boys or girls…

Without Fai behind the curtain pulling the strings and following his own rules? Well, there was no telling what kinds of criminals were going to set up shop.

You would think the commissioner would be happy to have him around—but the old bastard seemed to be hell bent on sending Fai to prison for cleaning up the trash in Tokyo for him.

"Good. As usual—I have a little something for your cooperation." Fai opened the desk drawer to his left and grabbed two envelopes that were thickly padded with bills—more than what either of these men made in a month—perhaps two if the government still paid shit.

They always took the cash and Fai flashed them both a pleasant smile. "Until next time, boys. Stay safe out there and close the office door behind you."

People were surprisingly polite to you when they thought you might snap and murder them—and both officers bowed to the drug lord before excusing themselves quietly. As soon as the door clicked shut, Fai leaned back in the chair and scrubbed at his face with both of his hands.

Fuck.

This entire night was just a clusterfuck and he still had so many things that needed to be done. Fai would make it out of here by 3 or maybe 4 am if he really buckled down and focused…

He might as well take the time to cover all his bases now, because if by some miracle he managed to get a bit of REM sleep in, he didn't need to be waking in a panicked cold sweat over forgetting some small, important detail.

Fai pulled out his phone and opened up a fresh note to make a to-do list. He wasn't usually a list person—but he was down an assistant and at his limit with the uppers, so listing things out couldn't hurt.

He needed to sort through the flood of tips and info he had gotten from his people but first and foremost, he needed to get a list of instructions for the workers here at Akai Heya. He needed to get the paperwork around and printed out to handle the hiring and firing for tax purposes… he needed to check in with Fuuma and see where they were at in the disposal process—with Seishiro to find out what the hell he was even doing, and why they had no idea where the fuck Reed was… He needed to make sure the people cleaning out after last call knew what to do with everything—that this place was going to pass police inspection—that he called Yuuko and let he know what was doing.

Fuck.

Good news was that he could remotely access everything he needed, so there was no need to kick himself for forgetting his laptop at the other club. More good news—paperwork was relaxing as hell after committing brutal murder.

For Fai, anyways.

Keeping his hands and mind busy on listing, organizing, and moving things around to accommodate was a nice break from the chaos of emotions that were swirling around in his brain at the moment. It was a relief to see that even though things were shaky with the ring currently—work could still be an escape from his self destructive thoughts.

While Fai focused and powered through the paperwork side of things, he didn't think about Ryuu, Seishiro, Kurogane, his father or any of his other problems—he got a break—and when the last 'office' task was wrapped up, he was less jittery.

Of course, nerves were quick to return—but he didn't feel like he was drowning anymore.

Fai dialed up Fuuma fully expecting to get his voicemail—not that he was disappointed when he answered in an overly cheerful voice. "How is my most favorite boss in the world doing?"

"I'll tell you after you update me on the Ryuu situation." Fai didn't manage to smile as he pulled up his email, but he was slightly amused at Fuuma's attempt to be nice.

If he hadn't known him for almost as long as he had known his brother—he might be fooled into thinking that Fuuma was capable of being concerned about another human. The Sakurazuka brothers were very obviously cut from the same cloth. Both dangerous. Fuuma possible more so than Seishiro because you never really knew when he was going to snap.

Fai had only seen it once—he would die happy if he never had to see it again. Sure, Seishiro was totally capable of 'acting' like a genuinely nice guy—but Fuuma never showed his true colors unless he lost control.

When Seishiro lost it, chances were Subaru could talk him down and he never acted rashly. When Fuuma lost it? Not even Kamui had any sway on him, and there was no controlling that wild card until he got ahold of himself again…

Seishiro might be a calculating killer, but he was always in control. He got his kicks from toying with you and playing mind games, sure, but had little interest in the actual act of killing. It ended the fun for him—he would rather watch someone suffer.

Fuuma, though? He might toy with people, but he got his kicks from the thrill of the kill. From start to finish, there was nothing more enjoyable to him. He headed up the cleanup crew because he liked it—it was enjoyable to him and it was where he blew off his steam…

Seishiro snapped and Fai found himself pinned against his office door like tonight… Fuuma snapped and Fai had only found out about it after he heard about a 'string of disappearances in the city' or a 'spree killer on the loose.'

There was predictability in unpredictability, though—so Fai took Seishiro's advice and kept Fuuma entertained. Playing 'hide the body' was one of his very favorite games and he was good at it.

"We're just rocking out to the Rocky Horror Picture Show while we drive to the super secret party spot. He's not laughing at any of my puns, though, just sloshing around. Pretty drab company, honestly." Fai was always surprised at how well Fuuma could tell him that he had in fact, dismembered, dissolved and was about to dispose of the evidence without actually saying it… Though he didn't know if he appreciated the dark humor or was more disgusted by it.

He had better things to occupy his mind with than hashing that out, though.

"Glad you have it handled. If Seshiro gets it together, you might get to transport a more lively crowd here, soon." Fai opened the first of his email and got about 6 words in before deciding he needed to give it his full attention.

He needed to really analyze and categorize these.

"Goody. You want me to join him when I am done?" Fuuma didn't actually sound all that excited—but Fai knew there was no point reading too far into his reactions.

He focused instead on deciding if those two could play nice. They usually worked surprisingly well with each other for being brothers—but that wasn't always the case when they were both hyped up.

Having Fuuma tackle an investigation into Reed independently from Seishiro would probably rub the older of the brothers the wrong way—but might turn up new info more quickly…

Decisions, decisions.

"He's in one of his moods, so if he is being too big of a pain, you can either call it a night or work from a different angle." Kamui had mentioned that Fuuma hadn't managed to sleep last night because Fai had left him alone to clean up the OD…

He was probably tired—but then again, like Seishiro, he wasn't so sure he had ever seen Fuuma tired.

"Roger that. Kamui told me he was giving you a hard time earlier. Thought he would have grown out of his crush on you since he hasn't so much as glanced your way in a few years. Was pretty surprised to see him basically panting after you." Fuuma sighed and Fai frowned.

Yeah, well—Seishiro liked it when Fai played 'sexy' murderer… In the day to day operations, he hardly noticed his boss and was too busy harassing Subaru to care.

The "crush" totally revolved around Seishiro's fixation with him being able to shut down his emotions and kill. That was the only time he was interested in fucking him—and Fai had dug that hole for himself by making the mistake of seeking comfort from the man after every kill.

Guilt and self-disgust always hit him like a fucking train within 24 hours—and what better way to distract himself from his own mind than by getting screwed senseless like a bitch in heat? For whatever reason, this time, Fai didn't want that.

He refuses to admit what he really wanted—who he really wanted. He wasn't ready to have anyone else touching him… not like that.

"You and me both. Check back in when you are done—I have to get back to work and make a few more calls." Fai was gonna cut this off before he thought too much about how he had panicked.

He was still trying to keep it together and the more he talked with Fuuma, the more those feelings started to return.

When Fuuma hung up the phone Fai wasted no time in shooting off a message to have Seishiro give him a call asap—he wasn't in the mood for phone tag and he could work on emails while he waited.

Fai wasn't responding to them. Just reading and slowly stitching the information together to get a better picture of what the hell was going on. He did not like what he was seeing, at all—but he was going to have to really think this over before he made a move.

This was something he would need to puzzle out with Yuuko and a few of the big players in the drug ring…

Fai was about halfway through his email when Seishiro finally called him back. He let the phone ring a few times while he took some deep breaths and made a silent wish that his most useful psychopath had calmed down enough to focus on their issues.

"Calmed down?" Fai purposefully used a teasing tone even though he was not feeling the least bit amused or playful.

He had to at least seem as though he was over what had happened.

"I could ask you the same thing. You've never lost your nerve with me like that. Losing your touch?" Seishiro sounded calmer, speaking in his usual monotone, permanently bored tone.

"Funny coming from you when you have yet to turn up any useful information. I wanted to ask you if you needed help. Second set of eyes to see if you've missed anything?" Fai didn't usually taunt his people—but keeping this one in his place was a balancing act.

Seishiro couldn't feel undermined or controlled—but he needed to respect Fai.

He wasn't going to maintain the respect required to keep his head enforcer loyal if he had many more fuck ups like last night. Showing him weakness needed to end. Allowing Seishiro to see him with Kurogane had been a sign of his weak constitution and his freak out at being backed into a corner had been a second show of weakness.

He needed to get his act together and keep the older man humble and very aware of the differences in their standings.

"No solid leads just yet... other than that he is most definitely in the city and watching your moves. Don't send anyone clumsy. Kokuyo perhaps?" Fai hummed thoughtfully at the older man's suggestion.

Kokuyo preferred to stick close to home and pretty much covered Fuuma's and Seishiro's floors when they were out 'getting dirty' and supervising deliveries—he was just as capable, if not more capable than Seishiro, though.

He had more years under his belt and was fiercely loyal to Hisui—who was very fond of Fai. He was also one of the few people Seishiro consistently worked well with…

"I'll see if he is available. Keep your phone on and check it." Fai popped Seishiro on speaker and shot off a quick text message to Hisui—figuring his odds of conning Kokuyo out to babysit Seishiro were better if he asked his partner.

"Can do. Any news from your end?" Fai could hear Seishiro lighting up a cigarette and he gave another thoughtful hum.

"Lots. I am going to need you at another meeting tomorrow. I will cc you on the email I am sending out to who I need." Fai pulled up a blank email and started typing in names, starting with Hisui, Kokuyo, Seishiro, Kujaku—and he would need to decide who else could be trusted…

"Can do. Anything I need to know now?" He listened as Seishiro exhaled slowly—no doubt having just taken a long drag.

"Akai Heya is getting raided as soon as the search warrant is granted… So probably tomorrow. Everything is going to be out before morning. I should be getting a few hours heads up to watch it go down live via security feeds. Other than that, I will compile all the tips that I have gotten in and we will all sort it out tomorrow at the meeting."

"Sounds like a plan. You need me to take care of you before the meeting tomorrow?" Fai could hear the smirk in Seishiro's tone and rolled his eyes.

Fucking bastard.

"Yes. I would like to be sharp." Over the years, he had become well versed in not playing this smug bastard's games—but he still wasn't ready to get his own product.

That would be a whole new step down for him and he was still trying to crawl his way outta this hole.

"I'll take care of you, don't worry about it." Fai found himself rolling his eyes again at the way the older man was wording that…

"If that was all, then I need to make a few more calls. Let me know asap if anything changes." Fai felt the phone in his hand vibrate and sighed.

"Talk to you soon, then." Fai hummed in acknowledgment and hung up the phone before checking to see the new notification.

It was just Hisui letting him know that he had sent Kokuyo out to meet Seishiro—and Fai sent a quick thanks before refocusing on his email. He typed in a few more names before beating out a quick memo as to the time and place he expected everyone and hit send before making the next call on his list.

Yuuko didn't answer and Fai just left a quick message detailing that things were no better or worse than when they had met at dinner—and he wanted her to come look over these emails with him before he went to his meeting tomorrow.

For obvious reasons, Yuuko didn't attend his 'business' meetings, but he always appreciated her advice and cunning wit. She was the only person Fai knew who could keep up with Ashura when it came to law—especially business law—and she was just as knowledgeable, thankfully.

Fai leaned back in his chair, pulled up his contacts and shot Kusanagi a quick text to see how Syaoran was holding up before setting the phone down on the desk and fishing out the baggie that was more than halfway gone, he dumped enough powder out for two nice lines before doing his usual dance. Wallet out, line those puppies up, twirl a bill, and breath in more of his saving grace.

Once everything was tucked away again, Fai refocused on his work and started to power through the rest of the things he had been neglecting over the last few days, only taking a break to finish off his dime bag—then not again until after last call, when 'the movers' showed to do their job.

Akai Heya looked like it usually did after a Saturday night—like a dumpster had chugged too much Tequila and projectile vomited all over the place. Trash, broken glass, spilled drinks, and questionable bodily fluids decorated the floor and the place smelled about as nice as you would expect.

While a normal person might look at this mess and be totally overwhelmed—Akai Heya's crew would have this cleaned up before the hour was over. Closing took 2 hours, tops—three if they were gonna count the time it took for things to be gutted.

Hinoto shot him a tired smile as soon as he exited the office and Fai almost felt guilty for kicking her out of her own workspace for the entirety of the night. No doubt she wasn't looking forward to packing that up and would have enjoyed more time to do so.

Fai carefully sidestepped all questionable liquids as he crossed the now nearly empty room—shoes echoing off the cement floor now that there was no thumping music to muffle it out. "Everything went smoothly, I take it?"

"Yes." Hinoto nodded once and Fai forked over his lists of where everyone was supposed to report—as well as the stack of paperwork he was going to need her to fill out.

"I don't know how long it's going to take to get you guys set back up—but bear with me, ok?" Fai flashed her a dazzling smile he didn't know he still had in him and while she didn't seem anywhere near as pleased—she nodded again and accepted the stack.

"I know you'll look out for everyone. I'll make sure everyone understands where they're supposed to report to before they leave."

"Good. I am going to get going, but everything needs to be out of here before sunrise. If you have any problems and can't get a hold of me, let Subaru know—and he will take care of it." Fai looked over his shoulder at the entrance and sighed.

He needed to get some rest—and he was about as high strung as he could ever remember being. The rest of his instructions were spoken without much thought and soon enough, he was breathing in the cool November air as he hiked up the street to his car.

Fai put the top down and checked his phone one last time. An update from Fuuma, letting him know that Ryuu was no longer an issue and he was heading home to clean up. A text from Kokuyo letting him know that he and Seishiro still didn't have much to go on but would be back on the trail as soon as the meeting tomorrow was over—and Fai had sent him back a thumbs up.

So all of his pressing matters were settled.

Well.

All the ones he knew about, anyway.

If he was going to be completely honest? Fai tuned out on the drive home—he didn't remember pulling into traffic and he sure as hell didn't remember getting into the garage, putting the top back up and closing the garage door.

He was so caught up in his thoughts that his body did its own thing, and when he came to, he realized he had been sitting in his car like an idiot for close to an hour.

At this point, he was beyond emotionally exhausted and it was taking all of his concentration just to keep his breathing deep and even and ignore the feeling of not being able to get in a good lungful of air, just staring into the darkness.

Other than that uncomfortable feeling of being just a little too coked up—there was nothing physically wrong with him.

It was all in his head.

While normally when he got stuck in his head, he would do anything not to be left alone… his usual outlets were either not available or far too complicated for his fried nerves to handle. He hadn't really had much of a plan—he had just wanted to be home even though he shouldn't be isolating himself.

Subaru was with Seishiro and Fai was not about to get near that man till he settled whatever weird murder mojo he had going on. Syaoran was traumatized and terrified of him… too late to find a tinder hookup to distract him—it was after last call and therefore no chance of finding a hook up the old-fashioned way…

Yuuko had gone to bed hours ago… his parents were more than likely out cold…

Fai was left with himself and he was his own worst enemy at the moment as the events of the night finally started to sink in.

He didn't know what to do—so he just sat in his car and wondered if the stabbing pain in his chest was from emotional distress… or the fact that he had snorted enough coke to give himself heart palpitations.

It was really anyone's guess—both options were incredibly likely. If you were to ask him how he felt at the moment? Fai wasn't so sure he would be able to tell you.

Overwhelmed, afraid, anxious, lonely, inhuman, angry and frustrated, perhaps? All around terrible? Like the stress of the night was about to drown him?

Exhausted, mostly.

He was too high strung to sleep—because of the drugs—because of the adrenaline rush from killing… because of the fear of what was to come… If he could even pull this trainwreck together… Somehow, Fai was going to have to get his ass out of this car, go upstairs, sleep—and do this all over again tomorrow, then the next day and the next.

Since this situation was normal—and had been for years—you'd think he wouldn't be fazed by it anymore.

Fai might be good at playing the heartless drug lord, but he wasn't like Seishiro or Fuuma—he didn't find anything about tonight fun or exciting and he wanted desperately to take it back. Ryuu was far from the first dumb teen he had killed—but fuck, did he regret this one.

He might always get hit hard with guilt, but he never regretted his decisions.

Fai seriously regretted what he had done to Ryuu. Not only because watching that poor child suffer and linger had been traumatic—but because HE had thought that up all on his own. No one but him was responsible for it, and for the first time, Fai was afraid of just how inhuman he was able to become.

He could justify it six ways to Sunday that he had needed to make an impression his people wouldn't forget—but never before had his 'lessons' lacked any semblance of mercy and he had never had a rat more naively innocent in their wrongdoing.

Why had he done it? He took no pleasure from it—a quicker, less painful death would most likely have had a similar effect—he could have offered the boy that mercy, if nothing else, but he hadn't.

He had been so afraid of losing control of his operation that he had—he had become the kind of monster he had replaced. That little show might scare his people straight, but it was at most temporary.

Fai had been 'scared straight' as a newbie, as well, and it had planted the seeds of his own rebellion against his boss… That was the last thing he wanted. He wanted a healthy fear and respect from his employees—not have them so terrified of him that they looked for liberation.

Sure, if he toned it down, things would be fine. Fai, after all, was not his predecessor. He had a moral code he followed and as long as you played by his rules, you had nothing to fear from him… He didn't kill indiscriminately, he didn't act out of anger over mistakes, he cared about his people and understood they were all just trying to make a living.

How was he so disconnected from his core self that he had concocted and pulled off that crazy, cruel, sadistic plot without so much as batting an eye?

When had he crossed that line?

Just today? Weeks ago? Months ago? Years maybe?

He didn't even recognize himself and Fai was trying to figure out how he had gotten to that point with little luck. How had he gotten from waking up with his three-night-stand handcuffed to his bed to making some poor, dumb kid snort poison?

Was he the Fai that had soaked up as many snuggles as he could manage while dropping Kurogane off, had kissed that brute for all that he was worth before breaking it off and being upset about it? Or was he the psychopath that had just brutally tortured and murdered someone for a dumb mistake?

Was he the shivering, teary eyed mess that had been terrified that his second in command was going to force him? Was he the drug addict that had gone through that 8 ball before last call and had almost been desperate enough for more, even though he was uncomfortably high already?

Fai was so used to 'playing the part' that at the moment, he didn't know. He didn't know if he should cry, seek comfort, pop a few z-bars and an Ambien and call it a night or maybe just down the entire bottle of both and see what Yuui had been up to all these years.

Fai drew in a shaky breath, leaned forward to rest his forehead against the steering wheel and tried to ignore the aching in his chest by focusing on taking slow, measured breaths.

His plan was to just rest his eyes for a moment—a foolish attempt to rein in his emotions and calm down—but he regretted it instantly.

It was almost as though he had been sucked out of his car, out of his house and thrown back into the first floor of Kuroba. He no longer could hear the soft, familiar and soothing nighttime sounds of his childhood home. The icemaker, the heater kicking on and off, the hum of the TV in his parent's room, the dryer and the soft thumping of music coming from his brother's room upstairs were replaced with the sounds of his employees' frightened whispers, of Ryuu apologizing and begging for his life, of Syaoran sobbing… of those fucking gurgling chokes and the god damn Angry Birds theme song.

Images of his people's faces, of Ryuu with tears and snot staining his face as he screamed that Fai had promised to protect him. Of the boy convulsing on the floor… of the blood. The blood running from Ryuu's ears, his nose, the corners of his mouth… the blood on the floor, on his own clothing and skin…

The blood on his hands that he had almost swiped through his hair.

Fai's eyes snapped open when the gunshot sounded in his ears. His whole body jerked and it was almost as though he could feel the spray of blood against his face again—he scrambled to hit the overhead light in the car, but when he examined his face in the rearview mirror there was nothing there but his own tears as his ears rang.

He was losing it.

He needed to get his shit together.

Fai frantically threw the car door open and tried to get to his feet. He was used to things spinning when he stood, but he pretty much fell back down into the car when his vision dotted and his hearing got fuzzy for a few seconds.

His second attempt to stand was much slower—and he leaned his weight onto the side of the car while he waited for his body to adjust. He may have been a good boy and eaten dinner and sipped some water—but that wasn't going to undo the massive amounts of stimulants he was on, fucking with his blood pressure. While it was usually up there with his heart rate—it liked to play games with him when he stood or moved too quickly.

When he was steady on his feet, Fai headed for the house and purposefully left his phone in the car. He needed a break from problems. He needed to wind down and try and rest. That was going to be impossible if he started reading his text messages or emails.

The comforting scent of the house hit him and Fai was tempted to collapse onto the couch and just curl up amongst the many pillows that smelled like his family. After that little… whatever had just happened in the car… the itching need to shower and feel clean was back, though, and urged him towards the stairs.

There might not be any more blood on his skin, but Fai felt as though he could feel the sticky copper scented liquid drying on his skin and it was making him practically twitch. He couldn't see any blood on him and Subaru had done a wonderful job helping him to get cleaned up, but Fai had not been able to get the smell out of his nose all night.

Taking the stairs two at a time, he quietly closed himself into his room. There was still light coming from under his younger brother's door, so he took extra care not to draw his attention. Not that Ash had been overly friendly this visit—but because for whatever reason, Fai could not get the tears to stop leaking from his eyes.

He pulled everything out of his pockets and set it on his nightstand before turning on the bedside lamp to give him a bit of light. He smiled softly at the evidence that his father had been as busy as ever and had taken the liberty to tidy up again.

Nothing unusual—he often vacuumed, dusted and tidied up in here because Ashura would rather his son spent time with him on his few hours off work versus cleaning his bedroom. All the little wood splinters that had scattered about the bed and carpet from Kurogane's impressive show of strength were now gone.

The sheet, blankets, and pillowcases had also been changed and while Fai refused to admit he was just an itty bit distraught that he wouldn't get to at least smell Kurogane's residual scent—he was thankful that Ashura had thrown one of the heavy comforters onto the bed and left another thick quilt folded on the bottom of the bed.

Not only were they of a heavier weight—but they were Fai's favorite blankets…

His dad could be so sweet sometimes.

Stripping quickly out of his clothes, Fai left them in a pile on the floor before grabbing one of his robes and securing it comfortably around his waist and headed to the bathroom. He turned the handle of the shower all the way to the right and stood in front of the mirror just to reassure himself one more time that there was nothing on his skin while he waited for the spray to heat up.

Fai hung his robe up and pulled a comb through his already detangled hair just to keep his hands busy while the sizeable bathroom filled with thick steam. Once he deemed it hellishly hot enough, he stepped under the stream of the water and bit his lips as the water stung his cool skin. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to wet his hair so the bite of the hot water rushing against his scalp could help him focus on the now.

Rolling his neck from side to side, he opened his eyes slowly and scanned the many bottles of shower gels, body washes and exfoliating scrubs he kept stocked and frowned. There were probably 20 different options and while all of them smelled amazing… they were not really what he wanted—not after bloodying himself…

It had been a hot minute since Fai had felt this filthy.

He might have a slight addiction to collecting girly body washes and they were fine for a normal day—but he needed something to give him that deep clean feeling that he desperately craved. Rolling his eyes in frustration, he stepped back out of the shower to see if they even had what he was thinking of.

He managed not to get too much water on the floor by hopping from the bathmat to the rug that sat in front of the counter and opened the cabinet to find more bottles of different scented frufru bath products, extra toiletries—and his savior.

Antibacterial bar soap was a god sent.

It might not be anything fancy. It might always leaves your skin feeling stripped and dry. It might not have a particularly pleasant smell aside from general 'clean'—but this shit got rid of all of the bad stuff.

Real or imagined.

This was what his enforcers cleaned up with after the job got messy—and something Fai used back in the day a lot when he was more involved with the—well, the messy side of things. Sometimes, it was more than another person's blood, snot, saliva, and tears you needed to wash away and this shit did the trick.

Ripping the white package open and tossing it in the trash bin, Fai hurried back to the shower and sighed in relief as the too hot water was again beating down on his neck, shoulders, and back. He got to work after warming back up for a moment and swirled the bar of soap around in his hands, working it into a lather before going to town.

He focused on the places where he could swear he still felt the sensation of sticky blood drying on his skin. His hands, face, neck, arms, chest, and stomach took the brunt of the abuse and were all stinging by the time he deemed the job complete.

The hot water was long gone by then and he was shaking like a leaf by the time he finally moved on to the rest of his shower routine. He took his time washing his hair and left the conditioner in to do its job and tried to focus on the sensation of the icy water rather than his racing heart.

Shutting his mind off was nearly impossible and it seemed that even freezing himself half to death wasn't enough to keep him grounded tonight. Fai picked at the dry skin of his lip absentmindedly as he thought about the scores of emails that had flooded in.

There was nothing he could do but worry about it now—He would need to approach this tomorrow with settled nerves and a level head. There were far too many moving pieces to this puzzle and he would need rest to solve them.

Tonight was definitely a sleeping pill night. Sleeping pills night.

Fai shut the icy shower off reluctantly and just let the water drip off of him for a few moments while he focused on the way his heart was racing and tried to calm down. He could only repeat to himself that he was safe, he was home and it was time to rest so many times before it started to sound like a lie.

He sure as hell didn't feel safe. His mind was taking him anywhere but home every time he closed his eyes. He knew he was tired—he was always tired, though— but when had that ever slowed him down?

Fai wasn't sure if he actually managed to slow the racing of his heart of just got used to its new pace—but he reached for his towel nonetheless. When his hand only brushed through air, he sighed and pulled the curtain back to find that his lovely brother, towel hog since birth, hadn't remembered to restock the bathroom after his last shower.

Not that he was really surprised.

At least he hadn't left a ball of thick black hair in the drain…

Fai wrapped his robe around himself tightly and headed for the linen closet to snag a towel. He pulled the door open quickly and grabbed one of the big towels of the middle shelf—the sound of something small hitting the ground catching his attention.

Fai quickly wrapped his hair up in the towel and snagged another one to properly dry off before reaching down to feel for whatever had just bounced off his foot and flew back onto the floor of the small closet. It took a second for his fingers to brush against something cool and smooth. He snagged it and held it out flat in his palm to inspect it.

It was a key?

The key.

To the handcuffs …

He must have gotten a towel or washcloth out of the linen closet and set it down…

Oh god—Kurogane was going to get a kick out of this!

Fai found himself grinning like a cat as he closed his hand around the little silver key, shaking his head slowly as he recalled the events of the morning and how the over the top silliness of it all had been the most fun he had had in ages, it seemed.

He stayed like that for a long moment—and during that time, he forgot about the rest of his day—focusing on the one thing that had gone well today. Slowly, his mind walked him through the way his stomach had fluttered with dread when he realized he had brought the cop home—and how quickly it had turned into pure amusement after the bed had been so unceremoniously broken…

How odd it had been that his fathers had been so calm and amused by their handsome, half naked house guest—how Fai had gotten to nap curled up in warm arms until Yuuko had interrupted him…

How he hadn't wanted the drive to Kurogane's shitty apartment to end—how nice it had been to get love tackled by the dog and kissed to death… how he had those pictures down on his phone…

How he had yet to actually block Kurogane like he had told Seishiro…

And then it hit him.

Fuck, did it hit him all at once.

Fai could legitimately feel it as he lost his hold on his emotions. Flood gates breaking open and utter hopelessness rushing through him as he pried his hand open to look down at the tiny key. He really had managed to keep it together over killing Ryuu and was losing it over a tiny piece of metal?

Oh no.

He was. It was less that this stupid key was what was putting him over the edge and more the overwhelming longing for comfort he knew he wasn't allowed to have. That handsome bastard might not be able to fix a single problem for him—but boy, did he help him forget them.

Fai's vision blurred with tears as he looked down at the key—the tiny lost item that had been responsible for cementing his feelings for the gruff cop…

Because Fai might have had it bad for Kurogane before this morning—but the way he had been on the verge of utter panic over bringing his tinder fuck buddy into his fathers' house and losing this little key had been soothed instantly when Kurogane had given him that sheepish, slightly cocky smirk, and shrugged over breaking the bed…

No one could ease him like that... and he fucking needed it right now.

But it wasn't allowed.

He had made his bed, after all…

Fai didn't deserve Kuro-sweet… nor Biggs baby…

Blinking rapidly did nothing to clear his vision—and Fai found himself with tears streaming down his cheeks for the second... third... time tonight?

He tried his best to calm down—he needed to calm down—but he couldn't.

Fuck. Fuck Kurogane. Fuck this whole day to hell and back.

He was not gonna do the sobbing cry fest thing tonight. His chest was already on fire and his lungs burned—that was enough, right? He didn't have the energy for a full blown meltdown.

Not tonight… Not after everything that had happened...

Fai dropped the key like it had burned him and shut himself inside his room—hoping that getting away from that reminder might untip the scale, and he could free up just enough of his mental bandwidth to avoid this.

It was already too late, though.

Even he thought he sounded pitiful as he curled up in the center of his bed and sobbed desperately into the pillow. He was so fucking tired. Too fucking tired for a full body cry.

It had been so long since he had been happy, excited, or in lo—had a crush, that he had forgotten what it was like. Humans needed that—they couldn't live the way he was living. It just didn't work and he was past burn out…

If he hadn't met Kurogane—he wouldn't be hurting like this now.

He wouldn't have been reminded that he had all but sold his soul to his drug ring—that there was no getting out—no chance of falling in love or being happy. Just… just doing what he had been doing.

He couldn't let anyone get close to him—let alone a cop—because it was just one more person to lie to. One more person to protect… one more person to prepare to lose because Fai was not the only crazy fucker out there who had no qualms about offing your family to teach you a lesson—and Fai still had lessons to learn.

He should never have done a threepeat—not a threepeat with a cute dog and a warm embrace who was far too willing to cradle him…

Fuck.

This was it.

This was his life and what he had to look forward to.

Making kids snort rat poison—listening to them choke and suffocate on their own blood while the rest of his people looked at him as though he were a monster—lying to this father about 90% of his life…

Constant power struggles and people trying to take his place… not being able to allow anyone close to himself for their own safety. Coke, booze, and booty calls the only things getting him through his days…

What kind of life was that?

Why was he even bothering?

What was the point anymore?

Fai was sobbing so hard into the pillow that he felt like he was choking—like he couldn't pull enough air down into his lungs and he didn't dare turn his face to get better airflow—he couldn't afford for his family to see him like this—and he couldn't control his volume.

He was being swallowed in his own pain and despair and Fai was losing control of himself as his mind spiraled out of control.

Hopeless—there was no hope left—nothing was going to get better and at this point...

At this point he could only dig his hole deeper—things would only continue to get more dangerous—and he was only going to have to shoulder more burdens without anyone or anything to turn to.

Why the fuck was he still going?

He had more than enough real estate, life insurance, stock, and liquidatable assets for his father to live well past 100… so why the hell didn't he just put himself out of his misery?

Aside from spending time with Kurogane, when was the last time he had been happy? When was the last time his smiles hadn't been fake? When was the last time he had a goal or dream? The last time he had wanted to get out of bed? Had something to look forward to?

Since Yuui died, Fai had been in pure survival mode—doing what he needed to do when he needed to do it. Eventually, it became less about the amount of cash he was able to bring home to cover his family's massive expenses and more about maintaining control now that he had it—but why?

To keep the peace in the Tokyo underground? Because he somehow felt responsible for all of the people he employed? Because he didn't know how to set boundaries for himself?

This had been about his family… His real family… They were ok now, so why? Why was he doing this to himself, still? What was the point?

Sure, he would never be able to quit his job—that was impossible after how deep he had gotten himself… If he was dead, though?

That would be the end of it.

Subaru and Kamui had already sworn to him that should anything happen, they would protect his family—which the chances that anyone would look twice at them after his death were slim to none…

He wouldn't have to deal with his addiction anymore. No more coming down—no more feeling like he needed drugs just to think straight…

The terrible weight of running the drug ring and keeping everything a secret from his father—it would vanish…

No more heartbreak, exhaustion or constant anxiety.

No more nightmares. No more nights like tonight. No more killing, no more being looked at as though he were less than human. No more breakdowns.

No more.

Fai didn't know when he had gotten off the bed—his mind was hazy and his hands moving of their own accord, but he found himself standing in front of the safe—code entered and door open.

When his brain finally focused on the now, Fai had his glock in his shaking hands and it seemed so simple. If he was in this much pain all the time, then… the answer was here, wasn't it.

The ultimate cure?

Wow.

He could do it. He could really be done now if it was too much.

End it.

He could be with Yuui—his other half—the one person who had always been able to comfort him.

It was—the pull of a trigger away.

That was less effort than getting Ryuu to snort the poison.

It would be done and over in a few seconds.

Just—lights out.

He didn't… have to be tired anymore.

He didn't have to lie anymore.

He didn't have to do anything anymore.

Fai held the glock in his right hand and traced over the smooth metal with feather light touches of his left.

In what was a rare miracle for him—all of the rushing thoughts and screaming emotions in his brain just stopped. Fai checked to see if the gun was loaded with practiced grace and found the ammunition easily enough. He popped the safety and took a few steps back to sit on the edge of his bed and just relished in the break from his own mind.

Was… Was this it?

Fai swiped at his cheeks and nose with the back of his hand, then hooked his finger around the trigger and looked down at the glock with furrowed brows. Could he come up with a reason not to? Maybe just to make it another few hours?

Shouldn't he try and fight this?

Fai squeezed his eyes closed when nothing immediately jumped out to him.

His mind was blank and what pitiful reasons he did rummage up were fixed with the safety nets he had put into place in case he was killed in relation to work… They worked just as well if he did it himself…

A new wave of sobbing made his shoulders and hands shake as he raised the barrel of the gun up slowly and popped the tip of it into his mouth. Since the car accident, he had solely been living his life for the sake of others.

They didn't strictly need him any longer.

Not a single soul.

Not his fathers.

Not his brother…

Everything hit him all at once—images of the car accident—of the blood and broken glass. The confusion of trying to figure out what the hell had happened as he had unbuckled his seatbelt and struggled to look into the front seat. He had seen his father first—face bloodied and slumped forward against the steering wheel—his head had snapped to Yuui.

Poor Yuui…

Nausea bubbled up in his throat and Fai started rocking back and forth as he remembered how his mirror image had look seconds after he had died. His left eye had had a piece of shrapnel through it—neck broken from where the seat belt had snapped it— remaining blue eye open, yet unseeing…

The terrible sound of the steel colliding, twisting and hitting the pavement as the car had flipped four times. Glass breaking. His own screams…

Flash forward to waking in the hospital—the first thing he had done was have an absolute meltdown. He had pulled his IV out and tried to rip away all of the wires and tubes from himself—he had been so convinced it had been some sort of sick joke…

He had calmed down enough to ask to see Yuui—the look on that nurse's face was forever burned into his mind. The way she had excused herself to fetch his stepfather— not Ashura —but his stepfather…

The image of the pure pain on Taishakuten's face was something else he could never forget. The way he had sat on the edge of Fai's bed and wrapped him in one of the few hugs he had ever received from the man, while he told him that Yuui had not survived the accident.

For a while, all he could hear was his own pained screaming—telling him he was a liar—that this wasn't a funny joke—that Yuui couldn't be dead.

He saw flashes of the endless hours he spent next to Ashura's bedside—of begging Seishiro to help him get a job under his boss because the bills were piling up—of the shit he had had to do to earn his trust…

He saw every addict he had ever sold to knowing he was putting a nail in their coffin with every dime bag he forked over for a small cut of the cash. How each time they returned to pick up their next few days' supply, they looked worse, faces hollowing, hygiene being forgotten, track marks growing.

He remembered every overdose he had ever had to deal with—everyone he had let happen, and the mess he had cleaned up for others. He saw bodies seizing, mouths foaming, last breaths of men and women of all ages. Of teens who hadn't been old enough to graduate from high school. Of mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, hooked using careful selling techniques to push them to what would keep them coming back.

He saw the broken and lost faces of every girl he had helped to traffic. He might run a clean operation on the skin side of things now, but it had not been like that when he had first joined on. Memories of transporting women whom he knew were not in the ring's possession by choice. Girls that had too much of a babyface to be legal, but owed his boss for product that had been fronted—of the disgusting men who were looking for mail order brides… He could hear the way the girls would cry as they were looked over like cattle—could see how they would flinch and look at him desperately for help as they were led away.

Fai saw the face of every man he had ever had to kill—heard every single one of their voices begging for their lives before he had ended it… His very first, the last leader of the drug ring—and probably the only person Fai had ever truly hated—was and always would be terrifyingly clear…

He vividly remembered the anger that had overwhelmed him when the man had tried to pull a power move by threatening his family, as though that casual threat would be enough to bend Fai to his will—he remembered how things had happened so quickly, how he had asked Seishiro the best way to kill the man. How he had been buzzing with frustration, upset that someone would use those precious to him and used that frustration to totally numb himself for the very first time.

He remembered the sweet smile he wore as he had fallen back into bed, how he had bided his time and waited till his boss had been into it and wanting more. How the man had commented on the sudden change in Fai's attitude as to this aspect of their 'relationship' and how happy he was that the blond had seen it his way.

How Fai had suggested they try something new—how he had done exactly as instructed and handcuffed the man to the bed because 'he was feeling kinky' only to give him one last kiss, lean back—and flash the knife he had hidden under the mattress. The look of utter fear and disbelief, how he hadn't even had a chance to beg for his life before Fai had slit his throat. That ungodly overwhelming metallic smell and the surprise of the blood spraying onto him, coating his face, neck, and chest in a sticky hot flow. The life draining from the man's eyes, the color leaving his face and his expression changing as the understanding of his imminent death hit him as well as his refusal to accept it.

The way that bastard had fought till the end.

The way that Fai himself had started to shake and cry as he watched him bleed out, spasming and twitching uncontrollably—as his own humanity and realization of what he had done had come back and all he could think of was how he hoped this would end soon. Why was it taking so long playing on repeat as he watched and shook from his spot, still straddling the man's waist. He had died with his eyes open—staring at Fai even after his struggle with life had ended.

Fai had been so shaken by his first kill that he had been in an almost catatonic state of shock as he had stumbled out of the room. He had barely been able to call Seishiro for help—and it had taken weeks for him to get the smell of blood out of his nose. He had played god that night and he hadn't stopped playing god since—there were more lives he had taken than he would like to admit…

Simply to suit his own purposes. His own power moves to gain more territory, punishments to those who had crossed him, examples… people who he could have offered mercy to. But who he chose to make examples out of… like Ryuu.

Ryuu had hurt in a special way.

Fai was far from sadistic and fear had driven his choices, tonight. Fear of losing control—of Reed toppling his carefully constructed tower because he had gone soft… He had done the unthinkable to protect himself and tortured that poor boy as though it were nothing. That by far had to be the most gruesome murder he had committed, and while he knew he had to punish him—did he really have to do it that way?

God, he was a monster…

Plain and simple.

He didn't deserve his life. His family. He didn't deserve Kuro—or Biggs.

They were really better off without him.

After all, he was just a selfish coward. A murderer. A liar. Scum.

Not worth the oxygen he was using to stay alive.

He could justify his actions until he was blue in the face—but at the end of the day, he had no right to take other people's lives into his own hands. To sacrifice one person to save others—it wasn't his call to make. It wasn't his choice and yet he had taken matters into his own hands, time and time again.

If things stayed as they were, he would be likely making the choice to kill again very soon and Fai didn't think he could do it… to swallow his humanity and deal with it coming back to damn him later.

People were not meant to live like this! They were not meant to play god, and they were not meant to stretch themselves this thin. To live two lives… to lie to their loved ones…

This whole joke that he called a life was just fucked. The fact that he was fighting so hard to keep it going only showed what an idiot he really was.

He needed to end this. If there was anyone that deserved to die—it was Fai himself.

Fai tried to quiet his sobbing and gripped the gun a little tighter. He mentally apologized to his family—they would be sad—but they would realize soon enough that they were far better off without him around.

They had no idea what a monster he really was. All he did was lie to them, anyways… they were going to be far more devastated if they ever found out what he had been doing the last 10 years—his death would be easier to accept and they would be safer this way.

Financially, he had them set to live comfortably and never worry about money—emotionally, they had each other and no longer needed him.

So, this was it?

He was going to let go.

Sleep.

Rest.

Relooping his finger around the trigger, he took a few deep breaths and started counting back slowly from 10.

When he got to 5, the sobbing started again—guilt over what this was going to do to his family… They may never know that he had done this for their own good… he hoped they never found out what a monster he had become.

When he got to 3, he started to feel the weight of his burdens lift off his shoulders. If he was going to be totally honest—which, seeing as he was alone, there was no reason to hide the truth—he was so fucking tired. Hadn't he put in his time? Hadn't he earned some relief after this many years of mentally torturing himself?

When he got to 1, there was a sharp knock on his door and he froze.

Fai hit the safety and set the gun down onto the corner of the mattress and haphazardly tossed the blanket over it before rushing to the door and pulling it open—not even thinking of the tears or snot that must be covering his face.

Ash was on the other side of the door with a worried look on his face, brows raised and lips pursed as he studied his older brother's face. "Are you ok?"

On reflex, Fai pulled a dazzling smile onto his face and nodded softly. "Yeah. Sorry, did I wake you?"

Ash was wearing a pair of baggy pajama bottoms and a tight t-shirt that didn't quite cover his stomach—hair pulled up into a high ponytail, he looked far to put together to have been asleep. It was the first thing to come to mind, though, and Fai's brain was still short-circuiting.

"Really? Because I haven't heard you cry like that. Ever." His little brother frowned and somehow, he was a little mirror image of what their father looked like when he wasn't buying something.

Fai only now remembered that he must look like a hot mess and quickly scrubbed at his face with both of his hands.

Fuck.

"I'm uh—gonna be ok." He amended his answer and Ash's features softened.

He had worried his little brother—that much was obvious.

Wordlessly, Ash did something that he hadn't done since he was maybe 10 or 11. He held both his arms open and up, and Fai felt his heart melt. He took a half step forward and wrapped his brother up in a tight hug—resting his chin on the top of his raven head and squeezed nice and tight.

Had… had he been about to give this up?

"Dad would be really sad if he knew you were up here struggling alone, you know… he worries about you a lot, you know? He feels bad that you think you have to do everything on your own." His little brother's voice shook slightly, and Fai knew now how badly he had unsettled the poor thing.

Panic started to bubble up in his chest. This was his fault—he had scared his little brother...

"I'm sorry." Fai didn't know why that was what slipped out of his mouth, but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Apparently not, because Ash rocked back and shot him an annoyed look—again managing to look just like their dad.

"Don't apologize, dummy!" Ash's whisper yelling made Fai crack a smile and that only seemed to annoy the boy more. "You're his whole world, you know? If you're in trouble—or if that dumb asshole from last night hurt you—dad is there. I'm there, too, but he is way scarier than me... and that guy was a beast."

Ash might be a little jerk most of the time, now—but damn, did Fai need to hear that. All he had needed was a reason. How had he forgotten? How could he ever have forgotten? What was wrong with him?

"My heros." Fai chuckled and hugged his baby brother nice and tight again.

There was a long silence and Ash obediently held still while Fai soaked up the contact. His heart and mind were still racing—but this helped.

God, did it help.

It helped remind him that he was the biggest fucking idiot on the face of the earth. That he probably would have ruined Ash's life because he was too much of a weakling to carry on and do what he had to do.

"It would kill us if anything happened to you… so… no more crying alone, ok? I come to you and you can come to me or dad." And if that didn't just smash his guilt button.

The momentary calm of the moment vanished as those words hit home.

Fai needed someone to kick his ass for being so selfish.

What would have been the point of it all if he ended it now? Of throwing his moral code to the wind? Of bending over backwards and then some to get on the old boss's good side? Of ripping himself apart slowly at seeing how many lives were trampled over because of the nature of what they did? Of taking over the throne to protect them from that world?

It sure hadn't been for kicks.

He had gotten where he was today for them.

They came first—that was why he had done all of this in the first place. It was for them . He almost threw it all in the trash.

What was wrong with him? His family was going to see him like that? He was going to kill himself in their house? Where they had to live, eat and sleep. Two doors down from his baby brother…

What the FUCK, Fai?

A different kind of panic washed over him and he took a step back from Ash and flashed him a small, apologetic smile. He needed out. He needed out now. He couldn't be here. The blond managed to pull it together and quash his panic long enough to try and reassure Ash.

"I love you. You know that, right?" That earned Fai an eye roll and he let Ash wiggle out of his grasp.

He needed him to know, though—Fai had just almost lost control—had almost taken his own life. He needed Ash to know that Fai loved him to the moon and back—that Ash was one of his reasons to live.

Even if momentarily, he had been so swallowed up in his own head that he had forgotten…

God, he really was a piece of shit.

"Yeah. You and dad tell me all the time, you buncha mush balls. Sheesh." Ash rolled his eyes so hard Fai wasn't sure how they managed not to roll back in his head. "—and I love you, too, but quit making me say it all the time."

"Good—and I'll stop if you get your butt in bed and get your beauty sleep." Another eye roll and Ash turned on his heel and started strutting up the hallway.

"No more mental breakdowns and we got a deal."

"Deal." That was a flat out lie, but he would be quieter about it.

Panic was replaced with fear as soon as Fai closed the door. Sobering fear. Fear over what could have happened. Fear over his weakness. Fear of what he was apparently capable of.

He had just lost control.

Fai leaned against the wooden door and stared long and hard at the folded over corner of the blanket that was hiding the proof that he was totally off his fucking rocker. He knew he had gotten bad, but he had not been ready for this…

It didn't make any sense to him how he had gotten to this point and that only fueled his fears. Tears were silently slipping down his cheeks as he stared at the safe. At the pills, the guns, the cash…

How had he even gotten here?

How could he have let it get this bad?

Fai was the one who was supposed to keep it all together and he was falling apart at the seams and had no idea what to do now. So he just stood—too terrified to take even a single step towards that gun… because, if he picked it up?

What was stopping him, really?

Ash had interrupted him at just the right moment, but the more Fai thought about it—the less he understood. He wasn't sure if he was more afraid of the fact that he had almost put himself out of his misery—or that he didn't know how the hell he had gotten this far without doing it yet.

Maybe if he could remember how he had done it—how he had beaten his demons back all of these years—he could pull himself together? Was there a method to his madness or was he just too stupid and stubborn to see that he was fighting a losing battle until now.

Suddenly realizing all the reasons should—

No.

Fai took his first step into the room—the room he had been living in for the last 14 years—the room that didn't hold a single personal effect that wasn't necessary to function in everyday life. He had his drug lord swag hidden in the safe, his clothes in the dressers and closets—but that was it.

14 years ago he had claimed this space for himself—for no other reason then he couldn't face the reminders of his twin—and you would think it was a guest room still because 14 years ago, Fai had stopped living.

Fai and Ashura had been so insistent on keeping the room at the end of the hall just as it was, to preserve Yuui's memory. Fai didn't want to create any memories separate from his sweet Yuui—he had bargained his future away to preserve the past the second he had seen a foreclosure notice in the mail. This house and all the memories it held of his twin, of his father, of his family had been well worth the trade and he would do it again in a heartbeat—but instead of living and building a life—he just fought to preserve the past.

Was that the secret, though?

Was that how he had dug his hole this deep? How he had forgotten what it was to be alive? To settle into being tired, numb and surviving? How his world had gotten so dark that it only took a single brief flash of what he was missing out on open the flood gates and cause him to lose control?

That was terrifying.

He was afraid he wasn't going to be able to get his control back and his mind was too frazzled for him to know if this was just an aftershock of that… panic attack? Fit? Trip?

This time when Fai found himself sitting at the foot of the bed with the glock in his hands, he remembered picking it up. His hands felt numb and he couldn't feel the cool metal or the weight of it in his hands—but his blue eyes were fixated on the way he was loosely holding it.

He needed these out of the house.

Even now that he was back in his body—that he was in the now and in control of his body—he wanted to do it. He was so thankful that his brother had interrupted him, though. It was ok to want to die—blowing your brains out two rooms down from your baby brother and in your childhood home, though?

Out of all the shitty things he had done in his life—that would be the shittiest.

Fai closed his eyes and focused on how worried his poor brother had looked. Ash was only one reason why he needed to stop being a little bitch and get his shit together. After all, Fai knew what it was like to lose a brother at 19 and he was not letting that happen to his baby brother.

Yuui's death had taken Ashura away from Ash. Their mother had not only whisked him away after one of his siblings had died for the first year after—not even allowing him to attend his own brother's funeral—but Ashura had taken years to get back to a point that could be considered normal.

Even now, he was only a shadow of the man he used to be.

Tai had taken care of Ashura, Fai had spent a great deal of time with him as well—but he had also stepped into a parental role with his younger brother.

Parent-teacher conferences, first days of school, extracurriculars, field trips, birthday parties, and playdates had all been handled by Fai. Ash wasn't kidding when he said he came to Fai when he had a problem—big or little—he came to Fai first.

Fai had almost taken the only adult Ash had a healthy relationship with away—his support system. Sashi might be currently trying to buy his love by letting him do as he pleased, her house rules lax in comparison to Ashura's, but she had proven over and over to be less than useless during a crisis.

Ash didn't know that yet—but you better believe that women would make Fai's death all about herself and leave her own child without anyone to guide him through his grief… Ashura would be too distraught—he had never bonded with Ash quite like he had with Fai or Yuui—and stress triggered their father's epilepsy.

Tai and Ash had no real bond to speak of. Sashi painted him as the homewrecker—and he had not gotten to see the tender side of their stepdad Fai had after the accident. To his little brother—Tai was just the snarky asshole stepdad that teenagers loved to hate.

Ash needed him. Needed him to be strong. Needed him to control himself and put this gun back in the safe and not use it.

Fai might have traded his future—but he had done it partially so that Ash could be a kid. So that he could go to college, be a brat, learn and grow into a healthy adult. It didn't matter how Fai had gotten to this point. He had to keep going. If it got better or worse didn't matter so long as he didn't forget that Ash needed him.

He would lie, he would run and he would play kill or be killed until his body gave out for that kid because he had no other choice. Opting out would destroy his family's lives, so even if sticking this out meant losing his mind—he was going to keep fighting.

He didn't know how he was supposed to get a grip, at this point—not when the only things surrounding him were lies and hard decisions—but he would figure it out.

If he needed to harness his own fear to get a grip he would.

Fai nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a hot hand on his shoulder and dropped the gun to the floor as his head snapped to the side to focus on his stepfather.

Taishakuten was looking at him with narrowed golden eyes and it took a minute for the reality of what was going on to sink in. Of what he must look like—of what Tai must have assumed, finding him totally zoned out and clutching a loaded gun like it was his most precious item…

The only thing that really came to mind was…

Well— Fuck .

"You with me?" Tai's tone was firm, and he squeezed Fai's shoulder with a steady, grounding pressure.

"Sorry, I was—" Fai stopped himself and looked down at the glock that had fallen down onto the carpeted floor between his feet. "—sorry."

"What's going on, son?" Tai didn't move, and Fai wasn't sure how to answer that and just blinked dumbly at his stepfather for nearly a minute. His mind was all over the place and he was trying to get an excuse—anything—out, but he just continued to blink like a fool.

Taishakuten was not supposed to see him like this.

No one was supposed to see him like this.

Not— Not with a gun in his hands—

Not after he had almost—

"Ok, I am going to take that away—and we are going to talk." Tai let go of Fai's shoulder and leaned down to snag the glock. Fai watched him check the safety, first, then watched him unload the clip and finally, he watched Tai set the gun back in the safe and close the door.

Fai honestly didn't know what he was expecting to happen next—but it wasn't for Tai to quietly turn back to him and offer a hand—a silent command to stand, which he didn't dare disobey. His stepfather wrapped a steadying arm around him, holding him steady in case his own legs didn't before he led Fai downstairs and over to the living room couch.

Fai didn't ask him where he was going when Tai left the room—just watched him as he went into the kitchen to make tea. He wasn't really feeling tea, but it gave him time to continue to calm down.

The 'well, fuck' vibe was only getting worse.

He didn't have the presence of mind to try and tiptoe around his step father's razor sharp wit—and the whole truth was not an option. His best bet was to pull the waterworks card and ask for Ashura after he felt the man out for where he stood.

Taishakuten returned with two mugs of tea and Fai accepted his and cradled it between his icy hands. His stepdad sat across from him in one of the chairs and sipped his tea. Fai knew he was staring without even having to look up from his lap, probably giving him time to think.

His stepdad was surprisingly the best at dealing with his mental breakdowns—probably because he kept a calm head. Ashura, god bless him, had a habit of accidentally making things worse, but was unusually Fai's first choice when it came to someone to stay with him after he had a meltdown.

After nearly 10 minutes, Fai took his first sip of tea and Tai must have assumed he was with it enough to talk because he cleared his throat and caught his stepson's attention. "I know you don't want to talk about it—but you need to tell me what the hell just happened."

"I don't really know…" The words were out of his mouth before Fai had a chance to think about it. He was more with it—but he was far from his usual level of playing word games.

Taishakuten didn't press him, though. Just waited patiently and Fai took another sip of tea before setting his mug down onto the coffee table and bringing his knees up to his chest and wrapping his arms around them.

Currently, he was just buying time—trying to get his mind to come out of the fog of hopeless fear that was making it impossible to think about anything besides going back upstairs and finishing the job.

He could not tell Tai that.

"Are you going to tell Dad?" Fai said finally and Tai shook his head back and forth slowly.

He didn't think so. He and his stepfather had an unspoken understanding that they did not tattle to Ashura—his father was sensitive and his health easily influenced by stress. Granted—Tai lived an extremely straight-laced life in comparison to Fai—but he wasn't perfect.

Taishakuten had a very very vague understanding of where Fai made his money—but that was only because he had caught on that a 22 year old college drop out should not be able to bring in the kind of money Fai had without breaking some laws.

They had puzzled out the Don't-ask-don't-tell rule years ago when his stepfather had suggested he seek his aunt's advice—and they hadn't discussed it since. Fai assumed that Tai had assumed that when he had started buying clubs, he had cleaned up his act and ran a clean ship. In 11 years, he had yet to say jack shit about it—and Fai had had no intention of broaching the topic, himself.

That being said—Fai wouldn't assume that the first thing Tai would do was run off and tattle on him. All he had to do was… make him think he had it under control. Which should be easy once Fai managed to convince himself of that same lie...

"Did you want me to tell your father?" Taishakuten asked after the silence persisted and Fai did not try to hide the horrified look that painted his face.

"That would destroy him." Fai took a few measured breaths and had to repeat to himself that Tai was NOT going to tell him—it was going to be okay—he could still fix this.

"So you know how much he loves you, then." Fai nodded his head slowly and looked anywhere in the room but at his stepfather.

How could anyone not see how much Ashura cared about Fai? Guilt started to overpower the fear again and he felt tears starting to burn at his eyes… He was trying so fucking hard right now to get it together, to slap one of his many masks on and convince Tai that he wasn't going to go upstairs and eat a bullet after their talk—even if he couldn't convince himself just yet—Tai needed to be reassured or things were going to come crashing down.

"Good. He's not the only one—you have lots of people that love you, Fa—"

"It's not that I don't feel loved. It's not—It's not like you think." Fai didn't know if he could articulate what it was like.

Not with the amount of details he had to leave out, but he needed Taishakuten to think he was ok. Or going to be ok.

"I haven't made up my mind as to what I think, so tell me what's going on or I am going to start assuming." Fai wiped at his eyes, settled his cheek down on the top of his knees and rewrapped himself up with his own arms.

There was another long silence between them and Fai didn't know what Taishakuten was expecting of him. He had no idea what would soothe his step father's worries, what he needed to tell him to make this all go away.

He needed all this to go away.

Fai could not handle his family finding out about what had just happened and worrying about every little thing he did. He had to think… he had to think… Fai, THINK.

Tears were picking up again and Fai scrubbed at his face in frustration and sighed loudly. "I don't know how to explain it…"

"Ok." Tai said after another impossibly long silence and Fai just continued to try and buy time. Was there a way to put this off until tomorrow?

Surely, he could come up with an excuse by tomorrow?

"Where you gonna use that on yourself, Fai?" His stepdad sure wasn't pulling any punches and Fai visibly flinched at those words—choking back a cry—but didn't manage to smother it completely.

His mind was starting to race again and he was grasping desperately at straws. Fai just wanted an out. "It's not like that…"

Given the way Taishakuten raised a skeptical eyebrow, he wasn't buying that for a second.

Obviously.

Because what the hell else was he doing? What other explanation could there possibly be?

"Look—I won't make you talk to me about it—but you gotta talk to someone, Fai." His stepdad was still keeping his tone soft and Fai managed a hesitant nod.

He could agree.

Therapy wasn't exactly useful when you couldn't admit more than half of your issues for fear of being reported to the police—but someone didn't mean a professional…There were people he could go to… that he had gone to before…

Another silence fell between them and Fai didn't trust himself to open his mouth without either bursting back out into tears or saying the wrong thing. He just tried to wait it out—to see what else Taishakuten might have to say…

"How can I help?"

"Can you make sure I get up early and tag along with you to work? I think…" Fai needed to talk to Yuuko, anyways.

And she would murder him if Tai told her anything before he did…

"—I think I should talk to Auntie about it." Fai finally glanced up at his stepfather and watched a sense of relief wash over him

Well—that was the key, he guessed—something he planned on doing tomorrow afternoon, anyways.

Fai 'went to auntie' a lot over the years—and Yuuko was a god sent when it came to helping Fai prioritize and get out of that 'wish I was dead' circular mood that had kicked his ass before—and was doing a hell of a job of it this time.

"I think that is a good idea. You need to rest, though, so why don't I swing by the house to collect you at lunch?" Taishakuten was right that Fai desperately needed sleep—he was utterly exhausted, too—but there was no way in hell he was getting to bed, given how high strung he was.

"Thank you." Fai offered and wiped at the tears on his cheeks and tried to weigh the options of asking Tai to supervise him while he went upstairs to get his sleeping pills—or if he was being dramatic and could damn well go get his drugs all on his own without giving the man another peek at what he was hiding up there.

"I need to start getting around for the day—you should probably go soak up some attention from your father. That always seems to help you." Taishakuten yawned as he spoke, but the look he gave Fai was serious.

He did not want him up in that room.

"I need to get my sleeping pills…" Fai uncurled his legs and set his feet down on the floor and the older man watched him carefully.

"You gonna talk to Yuuko about all the interesting stuff you got stashed up there, too?"

Fai nodded his head once—she already knew, but same difference.

"I'm going to have someone come by and get the, um… the guns out of the house…" Easing himself up onto his feet, Fai ignored Taishakuten and headed for the bottom of the stairs.

He did not have the mental bandwidth to play 20 questions about why he felt the need to stash a small fortune in cash, several guns and a shit ton of pills in baggies, not bottles.

His sleeping pills, anxiety meds and Adderall were actually all prescriptions and housed in their respective little orange bottles—but the pain pills, party drugs, and various other illegal substances were not exactly hidden or discreet…

Taking his time to climb the stairs, Fai was happy to see that Ash had gone to bed—or was trying to go to bed, seeing as the light was no longer shining under his door. He left his own bedroom door wide open and kept his ears focused on the sound of Tai cleaning the mugs and putting them in the dishwasher while he typed in the code and snagged what he needed.

You were not technically supposed to mix zannies and sleeping pills—but Fai had been doing it for years. Sleep was not impossible—even for him—even on a night like tonight—he just needed a solid 9-10 hour block and a couple of pills.

Popping 6mg of Xanax and 20mg of Ambien, Fai closed the door behind him and ducked into the bathroom to get a swig of water out of the bathroom faucet like he totally had his shit together—and reluctantly went back into his room to snag some proper PJ's and the heavy quilt of the bottom of the bed before padding back downstairs.

Tai was making coffee when he got to the kitchen and Fai wordlessly ghosted past him and down the back hall that led to the master bedroom.

Fai was not at all surprised to see his father awake and sitting up in bed reading with the bedside lamp on—his schedule—or lack thereof—had him up at odd hours to spend time with both Fai as well as Tai.

Ash had gotten their stepdad and him getting out of bed had no doubt been more than enough to rouse Ashura… Which—Fai tried to ignore the guilt over that—it was good that he was down here.

He wouldn't have come down and asked for help…

He needed to get better about that. He used to come to them all the time when his mind wouldn't stop—and they had always been understanding and happy to help.

Ashura gave the softest of smiles and patted the bed next to him in a silent invitation to join him and Fai didn't hesitate. He curled under the duvet and handed his father the quilt to spread on top of that—which he was more than happy to do.

It may have been a while since Fai found himself curled up next to his father like a kitten seeking comfort—but they had a tried and true method to settle down. Some people might find he and his father oddly close—but he didn't give a shit.

He was drained, traumatized and in need of physical comfort.

His father didn't bother asking what had happened. Fai didn't know what, if anything, Taishakuten had told him about what had just happened—but he wasn't going to bring it up himself and focused on the slow steady sound of his father's breathing and tried to mimic it.

Within an hour, he was out cold and he stayed that way for close to 9 hours. Drug-induced sleep was not as restful as actual sleep—but it was better than no sleep at all. That concoction of downers always knocked him on his ass and when he managed to peel his eyes open again it was early afternoon.

He woke to soft whispers and before Fai even opened his eyes, he focused on the familiar sound of his father's worried tone—and—he was talking to…

A female?

"Tai-chan did say he took sleeping pills, deary." Fai felt something cold press against his forehead and he instinctively turned his face away and glared in the general direction of the owner of the hand. "Fai, you are awfully warm, though."

What the hell was Yuuko doing here?

It took a while for his groggy mind to catch up with him and his first thought was to just pull the covers over his head and try and go back to sleep until the downers were out of his system. If he couldn't operate heavy machinery—he might as well go back to sleep until he was more clear headed.

"Fai." His father's worried tone guilted him into keeping his heavy eyes open and he managed a grumpy 'hm' in acknowledgment. "I've been trying to wake you for over an hour."

"Sorry…" reluctantly, Fai sat up and groaned as the room spun. "What time is it?"

"Pushing three, sweetie." Yuuko gave Fai a long, worried stare and he didn't bother to tug on a smile for her.

He might as well have gotten shit faced with Kurogane before ever having his meltdown, because between the headache from all the crying and the benzo hangover from his chill pills?

He felt less shitty yesterday.

Fucking Kurogane.

Fai still had yet to actually get around to blocking him—and now that was just one more thing he was going to have to man up and do on top of everything else… "I slept through our meeting… Sorry about that."

Really, he just wanted to plop his head back down and sleep through his next meeting, too. He had two hours to talk to Yuuko, get cleaned up and head into the office… Totally not enough time, but he had been dumb enough to basically tranquilize himself.

"Tai-chan told me to stop by the house and see you. And Ashura-dear here just told me you seemed to have had a panic attack last night?" Yuuko reached out again and brushed his hair out of his face and Fai was too tired to care about her icy ass fingers.

Instead, he just let his weight go to one side and fell against Ashura's chest like a lazy cat and yawned. "He was very sweet and helped me calm down. I promised I would talk to you about what has got me so unsettled since it's all work related, anyways."

"So you're feeling a lot better?" Ashura pressed a hand to Fai's forehead as well—his hands were still chilly but not like Yuuko's. "You are running a bit warm…"

"I feel tired and like the sooner I get to work and get things handled, the sooner I will start feeling better." Neither Yuuko nor Ashura seemed to like that answer very much—but his father was by far the more displeased of the two.

Yuuko would ultimately send him to work and soothe his father—once he filled her in, there was no way she would think it a good idea for him to skip out today. He didn't have time to deal with his meltdown last night—and he didn't have time to deal with catching a bug.

Not that he thought he was really coming down with anything—fever and sweating were common withdrawal symptoms, after all, and he was craving something fiercely after so many hours.

"How about you try and eat something and we talk about what has you so unsettled?" Ashura ran a hand through Fai's hair and the blond nodded his head slowly and closed his eyes.

He would much rather just drift back off to sleep—but he knew as soon as he hooked up with Seishiro and topped up, he would perk right back up.

"Do you mind if I chat with our sweet Fai for a moment alone, dear?" Fai opened his eyes just in time to catch his father's slightly shocked expression at Yuuko's suggestion, but he didn't argue. With an offer to get breakfast and tea going, Ashura left them be—forcing Fai to sit up and lean back against the headboard.

He still didn't have the energy to manage his usual smiles—not that Yuuko seemed to mind—she was scowling rather fiercely at him now, the sweet act set aside now that Ashura was out of the room. After nearly a minute, Fai yawned and pulled his favorite quilt that he had brought down with him a little higher around himself and waited for her to make a move.

Tai told her something—he needed to know what in order to decide how much truth he was going to feed her.

"You're waking up high now, too?"

Fai snorted and shook his head slowly as he received a look that could kill lesser men. "I don't get high off sleeping pills or anxiety medication… No one gets high off of sleeping pills."

He hadn't gotten high in… shit… years? Coke focused him and he hadn't been in a party mood in ages. Xanies and Ambien were to help him sleep, not to have fun—his head was muggy, but not feeling like flying high. He honestly felt like shit.

"I actually wouldn't—you are the expert on these things, though, now aren't you?" Yuuko looked away and Fai yawned again.

He was too tired to be offended and she wasn't wrong.

"I need to tell you something but I need you not to flip out on me." he might as well get this over with… best to do it while he was still chemically numbed—he doubted he could get anxious now even if he wanted to.

"Your step daddy told me about all the goodies in your safe upstairs." Fai got a sharp glaring side glance from Yuuko and he sighed.

Sometimes, she made things so difficult.

"Yeah, well that's really the least of my problems…"

"Why, what happened?" Her tone softened, and she finally toned down the salt and gave Fai her complete attention.

"I almost accidentally—" Fai's mouth snapped shut and he sighed.

Yeah, no—he needed help with that—but fessing up to that now was going to land him with an involuntary commitment and Reed would make his move…

"Accidentally what?"

"I had a panic attack—been a while since I had one of those…" That wasn't a lie—that was sort of what that momentary disconnect from reality had been, right? He was certainly panicking. "And I couldn't snap myself out of it. Ash heard me crying and got Tai… I had my safe open and the gun I used to um…" Fai swallowed a few times.

This part was a lie—and he had to tell it carefully—he had to seem genuine.

"—that I used on…" Fai rested his forehead down onto his knees and Yuuko sighed.

"This one is getting to you, hm?" Fai felt her run a hand up and down his arm and he nodded his head—it had been—it would pass—he would get over what a monster he was.

He always did.

He shouldn't have gone home alone.

He had known better.

"I just—I'm so overwhelmed… I knew I shouldn't have been alone after last night—but I didn't have anyone to turn to, and it got out of hand." That wasn't a lie—normally, he would hang with Seishiro and Subaru, but given the older man's over enthusiastic mood? Well… Fai was not about to risk that.

Granted—Seishiro jumping him after a kill was nothing new—he just hadn't been into it.

He didn't have any interest in anyone but Kurogane when it came to being screwed within an inch of his life.

"Taishakuten seems to think that it's because you broke things off with that Kurogane character." Yuuko's tone was sweet but Fai knew that the idea of Kurogane being the cause of this upset was not something she was excited about.

Fai was just confused as to how Taishakuten got to that conclusion in the first place…

The blond sighed again and picked his head up to give Yuuko a confused look—Kurogane had a bit to do with it—but their 'break up', if you could even call it that, had just been one more thing on the pile of things he was moody about.

"Why?"

"Probably because you were acting like newlyweds and then suddenly you're brooding at the bottom of your bed sobbing and holding a gun? What is he supposed to assume?" Yuuko studied his face and Fai let her.

"It's a 'right person, wrong time' sorta thing—Kuro is amazing and I could see myself with him long term—but not with my job. My job is not going away." Fai needed to block him soon, though—before Seishiro found out—before he took matters into his own hands and 'took care' of the distraction.

"Right person?" Yuuko gave him a serious look and Fai shrugged.

"I like him. Just not enough to risk getting out of the business for him." There was a brief moment of silence and Yuuko seemed to be trying to figure something out while she watched him. He let her stare as she pleased and went back to resting his head on his knees.

He was a little more awake, but still far from being able to drive…

"So your little meltdown wasn't because he cut things off?"

"No. I might have been able to see him working out because of how nice he fit with the family… but I never let myself think about working it out with him. I knew we were going to part ways the entire time—so it's not like what you're thinking. And what makes you think I was the one that got dumped?" Fai might be awfully fond of that brooding bastard but he was far from being in love—and had definitely not been dumped.

Having him around was just… nice…

"Well, I've seen you kill before and brush it off like it was nothing—Reed is not the first power hungry psycho trying to take your seat—but Kurogane is the first person to make you smile like that, so you better tell me the truth about what happened—or you're dealing with it by yourself, kiddo. I don't play the half truth game." Yuuko whispered this just in case there was anyone listening in for details—and Fai was thankful for that.

"It's not Kurogane, ok? Try the crushing realization that I am not allowed to have someone like Kurogane in my life because I run a drug ring and kill people, sell woman and push pills for a living?" Fai didn't mean for his voice to sound so sharp but it was not exactly a happy realization and the reminder of it did manage to make him feel…

Well, feel—which, given his current state, that sure said something about how he felt about it.

"Sweety, when you've already made a life out of selling booze, bodies and worse, then why do you care about having someone at your side? Surely, that would be the least terrible thing you've done this week." She was looking at him as though that were the most simple truth in the world and Fai couldn't help but roll his tired eyes.

He was not about to saddle someone as sweet as Kurogane with his level of crazy—never mind the fact that Fai was going to have to lie to him about 90% of his life while simultaneously putting his life in grave danger.

"I might be a shitty person—but Kurogane deserves better than this hot mess." Fai motioned vaguely at himself and it was Yuuko's turn to roll her eyes.

"Even you deserve to be happy, Fai. You don't have to marry that boy, but hell—if he makes you happy, then what's wrong with meeting him once in a while for some stress relief?"

She was not helping. Yuuko had been so pissed to hear about Kurogane last night and now she was encouraging him?

Because if someone gave Fai permission—he was probably going to do it.

His self control was as shitty as it got.

"He's a cop."

"Well, then find someone like him. You're running yourself ragged and you're a social creature. Get yourself a boyfriend, for Christ's sake—if you really got as bad as Tai said you did over not being allowed to date—date."

She acted as though it were so simple.

Fai leaned back so that his head banged against the headboard and covered his face with both hands.

He expected this to have a 'weight of his shoulders' sorta feel…

It did not.

If anything, Yuuko was only making things worse this time and Fai was seriously regretting asking for her…

"It's not just that… It's so many little stresses stacked up that I broke down. I'll pick the pieces up and move on like I always do, ok?" He needed her off his back. He needed to get to work—to go over those emails…

He needed to steer the conversation away from his headspace and over to the real issue. He wouldn't have a brain to worry about if Reed got what he wanted after all…

"Ok. So let's work together on the little things. What's something I can help you with?" Yuuko patted his arm and Fai sagged in relief.

Not a ton, but enough to make her feel useful.

"What are the chances I can con you into grabbing my work bag from the front seat of my car?" Fai managed his first smile—an innocent little smirk as he winked at Yuuko who took her own turn at the eye roll game.

"That's not exactly what I meant… but ok. Don't off yourself while I'm gone." Yuuko stood up and sauntered out of the room while Fai's face lost what little color he had left.

Tai had totally ratted on him and she wasn't buying it.

FUCK.

0o0o0

*stressed out anxious depressed hobgoblin sigh*

It's been one of those months… two maybe? Possible 3?

Anyhow! This chapter is heavy huh? That was some really heavy shit! I don't usually make myself cry with my own writing but this one had me getting all teary-eyed on more than one occasion? Lord knows I wrote the last half of this chapter close to 20 times?

I sure bitched a lot about how hard it was that is for sure!

I have been working on this chapter since August… holy cow! I think I have more content that I didn't use for it, then I am actually posting for it now. All the love to my co-author for helping me through it all and finally getting this chapter up! She is amazing!

I might be late on updating but we got a heck of a lot of outlining and such done for this bad boy. So many freaking side stories…. You can thank Malabava for those too… She runs a plot bunny farm you see-and just lets these little devils loose in my path and I HAVE to chase them. HAVE to. I have no self-control.

The next chapter is gonna be Kuro's POV. Not that I think any of you are disappointed but they're gonna take a hot minute to get together. This is gonna be a slow burn in that sense? Even though they have already started screwing like rabbits.

I need to properly torture my characters before I allow them to be happy! But that makes it all the better in the end ne?

I planned on using this writer's Rambles to dig into some of the darker content going on but I think it speaks for its self? There just isn't much to say other them poor Fai…

I would seriously love to hear what you all think? I have been lowkey terrified of putting this chapter up and I am on pins and needles!

Thank you all for your love and support~ Catch you all next time!