Chapter 2 – Floundering
Author's Note: We weren't initially planning on writing this, but then, we just couldn't not, so... here's the second chapter! I hope you enjoy this continuation! :D There will be one concluding chapter in two weeks. ^-^
To Guest: What do you mean? All three of them already know that Anakin killed the younglings. There's nothing to talk about.
~ Amina Gila
Luke and Leia are born, the same time they should have been otherwise, according to Obi-Wan. Padme survives. Vader doesn't know how to feel about that. She's still alive and breathing, though barely, and in a way, that makes it worse. It means everything he did was for naught. She would have lived, anyway. No one needed to die for it. He killed them, though. He did everything Sidious told him to.
Vader is the one who suggests they go to Naboo, if only briefly, because Sidious will find them there – it's where Padme had said she wanted to stay. It's where he had once wanted to stay, not that it matters anymore. He's not... free. He's still here only because Obi-Wan... spared him, and Vader has no idea why. He must want him for something. He only wishes he knew what. Ignoring him altogether is easiest. He doesn't even know what else he could do, anyway.
He's trying to ignore the part of his mind that whispers of how he should end it himself, instead of waiting for someone else to. What could it hurt, after all? Except then there would be no one left to protect his family – though it's not as though Vader is capable of that, anyway. He can't truly say why it is that he keeps moving.
Vader expected it from the very beginning, and he's not at all surprised when he feels Sidious reaching for him. It's... hard to fight back against the part of him that wants to give in instantly, to go back to his master, but he fights against it. He can't leave here, either. Padme won't let him leave, and neither will Obi-Wan. Vader would much rather not test the length of his former master's patience. It's not as if he wants to, anyway.
Sidious's presence is lingering constantly in the back of his mind – it has ever since he Fell, but it's stronger now. He wants attention, answers. Vader reinforces his shields to block him out. "You cannot hide from me forever, my wayward apprentice," Sidious growls, pulling back. He tries to shake it off, but he can't. If he stays with them, they'll never be safe.
What he has no idea is how he'll protect them from Sidious. He'll have to figure something out. It's not as if he can tell anyone.
Perhaps the Dark Side will have answers – but does it? Sidious promised it would, but he could have lied about that as he has about everything else. And can Vader truly consider himself a Sith? Fear is supposed to fuel the Dark Side, and it... does, but it also completely numbs him. He fears Sidious and Obi-Wan, and that doesn't make him stronger. All it does is make him freeze up at the mere mention of their names.
He's so tired of fighting and of life but being with Luke and Leia at least gives him something else to focus on.
**w**
It's been a few weeks now since they came to Naboo, and Obi-Wan feels almost as numb now as he did after he first arrived on Tatooine. The only difference is that he's not completely alone here. He and Vader have been pointedly avoiding each other, and that works... mostly. At least it does until he senses the other being abnormally quiet and closed off. He normally is, but Obi-Wan can still tell by the way Vader's holding himself that something is seriously wrong.
"What is it?" Obi-Wan demands at last.
He was expecting a very snarky or cryptic response and is surprised when he gets an answer. "Sidious is looking for me. As long as I am here, my family will never be safe. He won't stop until he finds me."
Obi-Wan can't help the disbelieving look he gives him. "You want to go back to him?" He had thought they went over this already when they were still on Mustafar. As if Anakin leaving them once wasn't bad enough.
"I don't know what choice there is!" He's tensed immediately, defensively.
"Your loyalty changes faster than I thought."
His eyes flash with hurt, then rage, and they burn gold again. Obi-Wan hasn't seen that in a short while – but it hasn't been nearly long enough. That was his eye-color on Mustafar, when they fought and when... when everything. "I am not here of my own free will," he yells back. "I had no choice! You forced me to come! I would much have preferred ensuring my wife and children would live."
"And they did," Obi-Wan replies, icily, "Without your or your master's interventions." He senses the flare of hurt in the Force, but something dark and twisted inside him demands for vengeance and for more. "Do you have any idea what you have done? What you caused?"
"Don't you dare," Vader growls, "Ask me that. I will remember every moment of my life – just as I'll remember calling your name when you weren't there when Sidious ripped me apart."
The logical part of his mind tells him to be quiet, but he's too angry to care. It's the same as it was back on Mustafar, and Obi-Wan supposes that it's just that he's been holding this in for so long. He never really had a chance to say everything he wanted to. "Was it worth it?" he asks. He doesn't even know why, except maybe he wants a... reaction. An apology, not that either will bring back the lives that were lost. "For you to betray both your families to save one?"
"I only ever had one," he hisses, and from his tone Obi-Wan has little doubt that if he weren't too afraid to lash out, things might have gotten... physical. "You never cared for me. None of you did."
He remembers how it felt when he realized it was Anakin, of all people, who did this. He had feared what happened to Anakin during all that, but knowing this... And it's seeing him acting as though it didn't matter that infuriates him the most. "Are you afraid?" Obi-Wan asks. "Or do you only want to betray us a second time?" His anger isn't wild anymore. It's more... strangely calm and controlled. He knows how un-Jedi-like it is, that he should let it go, and he has tried, but every time he meditates, all he can feel is the Dark Side. It throws off his focus, and that, he imagines, is largely the reason he feels so... unstable. Angry. (He wants to hurt the person who made him feel like this.)
"All I want is to keep my children safe!" Vader yells back, "And Padme."
"By bringing Sidious right to them," he repeats. "I find that hard to believe. Do you intend to betray us as you did the Jedi?"
"I didn't betray them," Vader argues finally. "I didn't. The Jedi betrayed the Republic. I did what I had to, whether I liked it or not."
Obi-Wan has no idea if he's trying to calm him down or make him angrier, but it's doing the second. "The twins are the only chance at destroying Sidious –"
"They're my children!" Vader screams. "They are not a means to an end. You will not treat them as such – they are everything – don't you dare. Don't you dare let them near him or I will kill you myself, I swear I will. If you take them from me, I will show you what it means to know pain."
It's not as if Obi-Wan would ever be disturbed by such a threat, but now it makes him feel even... He doesn't know. "You already have," he replies, icily. "When I watched you murder my family and destroy everything we worked for."
He has no idea what he expected Vader to say to that, but he was definitely not expecting Vader to smirk the faintest bit and come back with an equally angry, "Good. That's good. You made my padawan do the same."
The only emotion Obi-Wan is feeling right now is a blind, unfiltered fury. That's all he's been feeling for a while now. "You were meant to destroy the Sith," he replies steely. "The Council was right to consider you dangerous."
He's not sure what it was he said that makes Vader back away from him then. "Then you should have ended it," he retorts. "You shouldn't have left me here."
Maybe he should have. Maybe, but for as furious as he is – his anger feels like a living thing inside him – he knows he still couldn't. (Especially not after how things went down last time.) "Perhaps not," he agrees, "But you have the chance to stay with your family away from Sidious, yet still you want to return to him."
Vader flinches, still slowly backing away. It's strange, because he didn't seem to have a problem this entire time, but all Obi-Wan can focus on is how much he wants to – to – he doesn't even know, but to let out some of the rage he's holding some way or another. "I don't want to go back," he whispers. "I just don't – don't want them to grow up on the run. It's not fair."
"As if any of what you have done here was fair."
He crosses his arms, something Obi-Wan has known Anakin to do when he's scared and is trying to make himself smaller. "What do you want with me?" he asks, almost brokenly.
It's the sudden total change that confuses him. Anakin has always been... prone to going from one spectrum to another, but this is different. "What do you mean?"
"What do you want with me?" he repeats. "You wouldn't leave me alive unless you had a reason."
He doesn't really know where this is coming from. Vader has never asked him this before – but to be fair, they have hardly interacted since they came a few weeks ago. "Padme wanted you here. That's all."
Obi-Wan really didn't want to go through this again, but Vader looks like he's about to flip into an all-out panic attack right now and right here. He doesn't understand the way Vader is looking at him, though. "What?" he asks finally. It's too unsettling to see him acting like a skittish animal not to ask about it. That doesn't mean he's any less angry at him, though.
"Do you know what you just did?" he asks. He's still looking at Obi-Wan in a way that really gives him the feeling Vader's about to run from the room.
"What?" Obi-Wan inquires.
"You embraced the Dark Side. You – you Fell, Master. You just..."
What? "That can't be right," he argues.
"It is," he says, before taking off, leaving Obi-Wan standing there, staring after him. That can't be possible. He wouldn't do that.
Right?
**w**
Ahsoka is the next person in their family to return. Vader couldn't be more grateful when she arrives. Padme had given them the forewarning, though briefly – she isn't up to doing much of anything, and the doctors insist she needs to rest as much as possible to regain her energy or she'll become worse off than she already is. The stress of everything that happened had finally gotten to her. She never had an easy life from when she entered politics, and having the twins drained whatever was left of her strength.
Ahsoka runs to him the moment she sees him, stopping a few feet away with a sudden frown. Then her gaze travels to Obi-Wan and her frown deepens. "What happened to you two?" she demands. "Why do you feel so dark? It's like you both Fell. That's not right, is it?"
Of course, Ahsoka is upset about this. He knew she would be, but it was still easier to pretend she wouldn't be. That won't help him now, though. "It is," he confirms, almost bashfully.
"It's not," Obi-Wan promises. He's been in firm denial ever since it happened, and quite frankly, that makes Vader even more jumpy around him. Sith are... not merciful. Not that it seemed to matter to Obi-Wan as a Jedi, anyway, but that is precisely what he's struggling with.
"I told you so," Vader can't help saying, shooting Obi-Wan a pointed glare before turning back to Ahsoka.
He ignores Obi-Wan's return glare. It's easier to just ignore him entirely and pointedly avoid him, especially now. He's clearly furious with him all the time – not that the feelings aren't mutual – and Vader doesn't care to find out what would happen if he pushed him too far. (Although really, it couldn't be worse than anything he's already been through.)
"What's wrong?" Ahsoka demands, looking between them with a frown. It's hardly a surprise she noticed the amount of hostility between them.
It's going to come out eventually, he knows, but he's not ready to face how she's going to react to it. She may have left the Order, but... He hastily replies before Obi-Wan can. "A lot... happened," he answers, evasively, "It's good to see you're alright. What... happened to Rex and the boys?"
He's been worried about it this whole time, but he thought Ahsoka would be fine because she wasn't a Jedi anymore. On second thought, maybe bringing this up in front of Obi-Wan wasn't a good idea. He can feel his eyes on him again, but he pointedly keeps looking at Ahsoka.
A pained look flits across her face for a moment. "They're gone. The ship crashed. I was only able to save Rex."
He only feels... strangely numb. They're dead, all of them. Just like most of the rest of the 501st who he'd taken to the Temple. Almost everyone he knew during the war is now dead. Gone. (In some ways, it could almost feel like Obi-Wan is too.)
"Where is he?" Vader asks.
"Laying low for now. He wants to keep fighting for the Republic. I would have too, but I had to know what happened to you. I... went to look for Padme first, and picked up a trail. It wasn't easy, but I knew what to look for."
That's not good. If Ahsoka was able to follow them here, they need to keep moving, because Sidious will only be here in a matter of time.
"Then we may need to leave," Obi-Wan says, voicing his own thoughts.
"Why?" Ahsoka objects.
"Sidious is... looking for me," Vader explains. He can still feel the Sith's presence clawing at his mind from time to time, whispering threats whenever Vader isn't fast enough to fully block him out again. It scares him more than he wants to think about, because it can only be a matter of time before Sidious catches up with them.
For some reason, Ahsoka instantly tenses. "Why?"
He does not want to be having this conversation with Obi-Wan right here. He nearly turned Padme against him before, and Ahsoka... "He wants me... to join him."
"So, Maul wasn't lying then," Ahsoka murmurs.
"What are you talking about?" Obi-Wan demands.
"I didn't want to believe him, but he said Sidious was... grooming him, to be his next apprentice. I didn't realize until later that he was... Palpatine. Then it made sense."
Grooming?
He knows what that means, and...
No. It's... he wasn't doing that, was he? He doesn't know. What else could it be called though? It's not as if Sidious ever truly cared for him. Not anymore than Obi-Wan himself did.
"Are you... alright?" Ahsoka asks, frowning up at him. "You feel dark."
No, he isn't 'alright'. In all honesty, he doesn't know what that means anymore. "I..."
"He Fell," Obi-Wan offers very unhelpfully with an obvious note of accusation.
"Why?"
He doesn't want to explain this again. He doesn't want to talk about it at all, but he doesn't really want to do anything anymore.
Before either can respond, Artoo rolls up, beeping furiously. "He was infected with a Dark Side virus from Sidious, to save Padme and her new creation from deactivation."
"Wait, new creation?" Ahsoka echoes, confused.
"He means our child," Vader replies.
"Child? You..." She looks completely mind blown.
"We married," he explains.
"You – when did that happen?! You were a Jedi! That doesn't..."
"Right before the war," he admits.
Her expression is changing so quickly it's almost comical. "You broke the Code?" she asks, almost incredulously.
Of course, she's upset about it. She wouldn't understand. No Jedi would. They wouldn't understand how alone he always was the Temple, how he just wanted a family and Padme was the only person to offer him that after his mother died, or how had only wanted to be a Jedi in the first place to he could help people, free the slaves.
"You wouldn't understand," Vader replies, looking away.
"I don't believe we can understand any of your decisions recently," Obi-Wan retorts.
Artoo beeps a long string of words at him that no one dares translate. Ahsoka looks at him, wide-eyed. "Keep the language down if there's children around," she advises.
"Obi-Wan tried to deactivate him!" Artoo protests, along with a few other added words that need not be translated.
"What?!" Ahsoka shrieks.
"That's not how it happened," Obi-Wan protests.
"Yes, it is!" Vader snaps back, glaring at him. And honestly, 'deactivate' is far better terminology than... something more like slowly ripping him apart, piece by piece, thank you.
"After you destroyed the Jedi!"
"What?!"
Why did he ever hope they wouldn't have this conversation today? Or at all? "He joined Sidious," Obi-Wan replies, angrily.
"What?" she demands again, still half-hysterically, looking at Vader. For an explanation. Or maybe hoping for a denial.
Artoo rolls closer, bumping against his leg. He reaches down, resting his left hand on the droid's dome. Sometimes it feels like the droid is the only piece of his life left that doesn't constantly hurt. Well, Artoo and his children, but he could so easily lose them.
"How could you do that?" she asks when he doesn't say anything, sounding a mixture of hurt, confused, and angry.
It was easier with Obi-Wan, and even with Padme, than it is with Ahsoka. He was supposed to take care of her, no matter if she left him. He was supposed to protect her, and he failed. That – that was why he Fell, because as a Jedi he couldn't do anything to help his family – or really anyone, it seemed. But she will never understand that. He doesn't think he can bear to face her anger or disappointment.
"Sidious infected him!" Artoo protests, which is absolutely not how Vader would word it, but he's more than willing to let the droid explain if he wants to. "The Jedi committed treason, and he would have been deactivated, along with Padme and their creation."
"I – I just need a moment," Ahsoka requests, before turning around and walking off. He couldn't have expected better, but it still hurts to see her go. He knew it would happen anyway – she did before, and after... after Mustafar, he knows he's never going to be accepted by anyone. He's never going to have someone love him. It's foolish to hope.
He pointedly avoids Obi-Wan's gaze – he has no interest in seeing the accusing looks or letting him see how close he is to breaking right now – before he slips out of the room himself. Artoo rolls after, stopping next to him when he sinks to the floor in a corner.
He wants to cry again, even if it's... pointless because it changes nothing. He did enough of that anyway the first couple days after time traveling. It's more than he can handle, but it won't stop. It never does.
Artoo beeps. "Are you alright?"
What's the point in lying, to him at least? He shakes his head, leaning closer, resting his forehead against the droid.
The droid beeps sympathetically, but the moment is promptly broken when he hears the twins crying from the end of the hall.
Probably because he accidentally woke them up again. He tries to increase his shielding so they can't feel it when he's feeling like this, but it never fully works.
He stands, moving down the hall to their room, picking one of them up in each arm as he tries to get them to calm down. Padme probably would be able to do this better since she's not the one making them feel like this in the first place, but she needs to rest.
He hates how the blinding love he feels for them is still masked by so much fear of losing them or anything happening to them. He failed everyone before and the time he took action he apparently didn't need to, so he already knows he's going to fail them too.
And he needs to stop, because now they're both sobbing.
He tries to turn his focus to anything else, idly comparing their almost identical clothes, and the stuffed animals Padme got for them. Even if they're on the run, at least he can raise them semi-normally. To be fair, he doesn't know what childhoods are even supposed to be like in the first place, but Padme should.
They start to calm down after a while, and he finally situates them back in bed.
He opts for just staying in there, and it's probably been at least an hour when the door opens.
Ahsoka is hovering in the doorway, expression strangely closed off. "Padme said it would be okay to come in here," she says by way of explanation.
Any attempt at trying to find some measure of calm – not calm, because he doesn't know what that means anymore, if he ever did – disappears at the sight of her. "Of course," he replies, uncertainly, moving to stand up.
"I just... wanted to talk to you," Ahsoka interjects, "I don't understand this."
"Palpatine promised he would save them," he replies. It feels pointless to talk about it again, to try to make her understand. She won't. (Maybe she shouldn't. He killed all of them, everyone she used to know too...) "And I saw Windu commit treason. I did not know what else to do."
"I know what Maul said, and..." She sighs quietly, moving closer to him, "You don't have to stay like this. You can come back."
She's seriously asking him to turn back? It's impossible. Everyone knows that. You can't let go of the Dark Side. That's not how it works. Even if it was, he doesn't know how he even could. "I can't. You know that."
"Why?" she demands, crossing her arms, "I don't know what all you did, and I think I don't want to, but this... isn't you. I know what the Jedi say, but you already left Sidious. Turning back is only one step further."
She says it like it's so simple, but it's not. She doesn't know what happened. She doesn't know what he did, she doesn't know what happened before on Mustafar either, or afterwards. "You know it's not possible."
"If you were totally lost, you wouldn't be out here with... everyone. You would have turned on me and Obi-Wan already."
"I didn't even have a choice," he retorts. "Obi-Wan wouldn't let me leave. I – I couldn't fight him. Not again."
She frowns. "What Artoo said. Did he really –"
Vader draws in a sharp breath, turning away. "I don't want to talk about it." He can't imagine telling anyone the details of that day. Not now, or ever.
"Their programming was reset. In the future, Padme deactivated and Obi-Wan turned Anakin into a droid," Artoo replies.
Ahsoka just stares. "What?"
"We... time-traveled. Somehow. From a few weeks into the future back to... when everything happened. I don't know how."
She looks steadily more confused. "I don't understand how that's possible, but... you aren't joking are you?"
He shakes his head. "I don't understand, either." But he's glad... he thinks. He didn't know how he could ever spend the rest of his life like that and with Padme and his child dead... (Though he might still if he's not careful about rubbing Obi-Wan wrong. Then again, his very existence does and always has.)
Ahsoka is quiet for several long moments. "I just... need some time to sort this out. I'll be back, but it's probably not safe for me to stay anyway. Just... don't get in any more trouble while I'm gone."
Of course, she's leaving. He shouldn't – didn't really – expect any less. (He's not worth helping.) Everything already hurts so much he doesn't think it could hurt worse anyways, so all he does is nod.
She eyes him, then slowly moves closer almost hesitantly, and wraps her arms around him. Vader freezes for a moment, but returns it instantly, pulling her close. It will only hurt him more when she's gone again, but he missed her so much. He was so worried about what happened to her and touching her like this is a physical reminder that she's okay.
For now, at least. Because she's going to go and join Rex, and they'll start fighting against the Empire. This – this was why Sidious said he had to kill all the Jedi, or there would be civil war without end. But even if he was with Sidious, he knows he could never do anything against Ahsoka anyway.
Maybe she's right anyway. Or maybe not. He doesn't know. He doesn't know anything anymore. He was so lost and confused before he Fell, but now it's even worse.
In the end, he can only hope that she'll be fine. (That he won't fail her again by... by his simple existence.)
**w**
He was having a perfectly normal, mostly okay day – all things considered, at least as much as Vader usually has. It was fine, until he got roped into a conversation with Obi-Wan. Again.
"I see your former padawan is making a stand against the Empire," Obi-Wan says. Honestly, Vader can't tell if he means to be aggravating or not. "While you stay here and –"
"I'm your prisoner," he spits back. "Only in an overly fancy house." He hates it when Obi-Wan insists otherwise, because really, it's the truth. He can't leave and he doesn't really want to, but he just wants to be... away. Somewhere he knows his family will be safe from him. "And it is only the Empire that can bring peace. It is not as though your Order and the Republic brought peace to anyone. You don't care about people. You never have – not unless it suits you."
His anger is boiling, burning, demanding vengeance. He wants to make Obi-Wan hurt the same way Vader himself has been for years and years. He craves it, so badly, it's almost enough to make him act on it, but then he remembers what happened last time, and he doesn't dare. Obi-Wan has no qualms about hurting him. If he did before, he'd do it again.
"And you?" Obi-Wan retorts. "Is massacring thousands of those you claim to care for –"
"The Jedi's destruction was from their own doing!" Vader yells. He senses a twinge of something in the Force – Luke and Leia never appreciate arguments, so he forces himself to stay quieter.
"Their arrogance and pride and lust for power destroyed them. They were consumed by their own fears, as were you."
His former master glares at him – he never has stopped though, to be fair. His eyes are still blue and always have been, but Vader sensed the... change in his presence the moment the Dark Side consumed him. He hasn't let go of it, of course. That's not possible. What he didn't expect was for it to be his old master who Fell, even if he stubbornly denies it. He can't help wondering, with such darkness, how long would it take for his eyes to turn gold? "I am not the one who betrayed his family because he was scared."
"No," Vader cuts back. He lets the sting of it fill him with power, feeding the Dark Side. He doesn't know what else to do with all the pain he carries. He ignores the part of him that wants to get on his knees and beg for forgiveness, because that's the only thing in his life that has been constant, ever present – that the only time someone wants him around is when he's useful – when he's on his knees. He craves acceptance so much it's tearing him apart, but Obi-Wan will never give it to him. He didn't before, and he certainly won't do it now, so here they are. Trapped in a vicious cycle of forever craving vengeance on one another.
"And," he continues, "I am not the one who preaches nonviolence and against aggression who tried to backstab someone offering me peace."
"A Jedi knows better than to give in to emotion, which is all you have ever done."
"And you didn't?" He knows it's stupid and probably suicidal – though Padme already confiscated their lightsabers so they don't make a mess of the house – but he can't hold it back. He is so, so tired of Obi-Wan treating him like – like he's something lesser, regardless of whether that's the case. He can't hold back and stay quiet anymore. "Windu let his fear of Sidious cloud his vision and he brought about his own destruction. All the Jedi did, just as you have."
"I am not Fallen," Obi-Wan argues angrily.
"Even Ahsoka saw it. How long will you lie to yourself, the way all the Jedi did? There is no Light left. Not for us or for the Jedi. The Light is a lie. I don't fear the Dark Side. That is all there is."
"Yet you still let it control you," Obi-Wan retaliates. "You allow your emotions to cloud your judgment, and you betrayed everyone who ever cared for you."
"You are in no place to speak of betrayal," Vader spits back, "After what you did." His hand is shaking now, from the tumult of emotions strangling him. And if Obi-Wan will complain about how Vader is letting his fear control him, then fine. He'll stop, if only to spite him. Because what he fears most – aside from hurting his family again – is Obi-Wan hurting him. He doesn't let it go because he can't. Instead, he lets it flood through him, filling him, fueling him. "Did it make you feel good?" he asks, stalking forwards. "When you tried to kill me? When you stood there, watching?"
"Did you enjoy every moment of it when you were killing the Jedi?" Obi-Wan snaps back.
Dodging the question as usual, not that Vader expected an answer anyway. He doesn't think he wants one. Especially not if – if he did. He also knows the true answer to the question, but it's not one he'll tell his former master. Ever. And when he looks at him again, he wonders how much it'd take from here, for Obi-Wan to give completely into the Dark Side. He's wondered before, but he is again – and suddenly Vader realizes that he wants that. He wants Obi-Wan to know what it feels like. He wants him to understand the constant, smothering demand for more, the way it feels like the darkness itself is slowly smothering him.
"It was a truly ingenious plan," he finds himself saying, slowly. He knows it's dangerous – Obi-Wan is likely about to lash out at him, and it will hurt, but it's like Obi-Wan said. He's not letting his fear control him, not now. Not on this. "For Palpatine to see your deception coming. To put me on the Council before it happened, so I could have everything I needed to stop you. And I did. I did my duty, to protect the Republic – now the Empire."
He's almost certain then, that he can see the first glints of yellow in Obi-Wan's eyes.
A raw, icy fear is curling inside him now, slowly devouring him inside out. The last time he saw his master this angry was on Mustafar. He can remember it clearly, vividly – remembers the burning, searing agony. He remembers the fire, crawling across his skin and tearing him apart. He stubbornly stands firmly, though. "And I would do it again," he continues, "Because some of us care for the people. I knew countless would die. The survivors will only cause more chaos and death. You are wrong; I am able to put aside my emotions and do what is required of me, for the greater good."
Obi-Wan moves towards him, his rage flaring into the Force. It's overwhelming, and Vader knows without a doubt that he's about to lash out and do something very, very violent, or say something that will hurt even worse.
"Your eyes are yellow," Vader informs him before either option can happen.
"You're projecting," he shoots back.
"Look," he retorts, gesturing to the mirror right near them.
Obi-Wan glances sideways at it, though Vader really doubts he could have missed the obvious yellow staring back at him. "They are not," he snaps, "You simply can't see why everyone wouldn't be as traitorous as you yourself are."
It's that which makes whatever is left of his self-control shatter entirely. It's been so, so hard to handle being around Obi-Wan, to handle being constantly, ceaselessly scared. He can't even say what came over him, but without even thinking, he lunges at Obi-Wan, slamming him face-first into the mirror.
He's wanted to do that for so long, so it's confusing that all he feels is... nothing, except a sudden surge of guilt twisting deep inside him, somewhere beneath all his hurt and anger. He backs away, slowly, as Obi-Wan gets back up. He's angrier – even more than he was before and Vader only has one second to register that that was a mistake as Obi-Wan spins away from the now shattered mirror and punches him in the face.
Okay. Considering the circumstances, he thinks he deserved that, but it doesn't stop his flare of rage at being hurt again. Constantly, ceaselessly, because it's all he has left anymore, the constant, all-consuming agony of living – even if he's no longer trapped in that – that thing.
He reacts instinctively, hitting him back, the force of the metal hand throwing Obi-Wan back a step, but he promptly tackles him to the floor. It floods Vader with an instinctive fear as memories of their last fight flash through his mind, but he uses it to fuel him.
It does hurt, of course, but it's like nothing – he's been through far, far worse. They've physically sparred with each other plenty in the past, so he knows how Obi-Wan fights – of course, the same is true for him about Vader – but this time he's actually trying to hurt him. Just like last time.
Vader fights back with everything he has, letting the weeks of pent up anger and betrayal pour out as they exchange blows, rolling across the floor. He's furious, they both are, but Vader still has the sense of mind to know he'll regret it later. He doesn't care though. (Somewhere in the back of his mind, though, he still has the sense of mind to be very grateful that they don't have their lightsabers right now, because he has no question the weapons might have gotten involved otherwise.)
He has the advantage over Obi-Wan – he has a metal hand and he's physically stronger anyway, and maybe that's the only thing that keeps him angry instead of starting to panic any time his former master starts to get a slight advantage.
Obi-Wan finally shoves him away from him – maybe Vader expected to see some satisfaction over Obi-Wan's broken nose and the bruises on his face but instead, he feels... emptier than anything – and he's about to go at him again when a certain fuming, former Senator storms into the room.
"That's enough!" she shouts, loud enough that it lets Vader see all over again how his Angel could also be a powerful political figure. "There is no reason for this," she snaps furiously, stalking over to the broken mirror, surveying the damage all over the floor.
"He –" they both start to say at once, exchanging probably identical, yellow-eyed glares.
"I don't care who started it," Padme hisses, "If you'll do nothing but go at each other like colo claw fish then you can stay on opposite sides of the house." She crosses her arms, still glowing at them, and it somehow almost manages to make him feel small even though she's half his size. "But first, you're cleaning up this mess."
She stomps out without another word. If Vader actually thought the fight would make him feel better... somehow, he only feels emptier and more worn out now than before. (He misses the rare times their 'fighting' was little more than teasing. It's a thing of the past now, like everything about their relationship. That's probably for the best seeing that Obi-Wan never cared for him anyway, but it still hurts.)
Cleaning up the mess gives him something else to think about, though, so Vader gets to work.
**w**
Vader can't be right, can he? For the briefest moment, Obi-Wan almost thought his eyes had been yellow, but it could have been his imagination. (Or maybe he just doesn't want to accept it. He hasn't been able to feel anything but the Dark Side for weeks, any time he tries to meditate.)
Obi-Wan watches Vader work on cleaning up the mirror – he is not helping him with that – before slowly moving to help straighten up the other things in the room. He owes Padme that much, at least.
After this, he thinks they could both do with a serious trip to the 'fresher to clean up their... injuries. His nose is still bleeding – it is broken after all – and he knows he's covered in bruises beyond that. Vader isn't in much better shape.
In that moment he attacked him, he'd been too furious to hold back anymore – to be fair, Vader did start it – but now he just feels... he doesn't know. There'd been a part of him still demanding vengeance, demanding that he hurt the person who caused all of this, but if anything, he only feels worse now.
(He misses Anakin. He misses his cheerfulness, his smile. He misses when Anakin looked at him with something other than hate and fear.)
Padme returns not long later, once they're both done treating their injuries, surveying the scene with a scowl still plastered on her face. "I thought the Jedi reflected on their actions. Or any Force users, for that matter. Because I think both of you could do that right now."
Obi-Wan raises an eyebrow. "Are you seriously trying to give us a time-out?"
"Seeing that you're both acting like children, I think you could use one," she retorts.
While he completely disagrees with that statement, perhaps trying to meditate wouldn't be a bad idea right now, so he settles down on the floor. (He's definitely only doing it for that, not because the ex-Senator is still glaring at both of them.)
Vader looks decidedly unhappy, but he sits down a short distance away and Padme leaves them alone again. Obi-Wan tries to reach into the Force again, but again all that answers him is the Dark Side, and he has to wonder if maybe what Vader said was true, even if he'll never admit it to anyone but himself.
He can't find the calm he used to anymore. All he can remember is what happened at the Temple and the fight on Mustafar. (And what he did to Anakin there. And all the things he's said about... all this time.)
"I hated it," Vader says finally, suddenly, breaking the silence, "What I did. Everything. I wanted you to end it. Why didn't you?"
Obi-Wan's avoided the real answer to that question for a long time, and this once, he doesn't think he can. "I couldn't," he answers, quietly, "I – I couldn't watch you die."
"And what you did instead was easier?" he asks, and Obi-Wan doesn't miss the slight tremor in his voice.
Thinking about it is making him relive his emotions of that moment and right after, and it only makes the call of the Dark Side even stronger. "No. I – I never thought it through. I thought you were about to die." It's about as much of an answer as he knows how to give at this point.
Vader nods slightly, inhaling shakily. "You did just want to hurt me, didn't you?"
Somewhere deep inside, Obi-Wan knows the answer to that, and it fills him with shame. He was acting out of anger, perhaps as much as Vader himself was. He obviously won't tell Vader that, though.
He casts another glance at the Sith – the way he holds himself reminds Obi-Wan again of how young he is. He's only a child. A child who had everything taken away from him. He looks like he wants to cry. Maybe he already is. It's not as though Obi-Wan can see him clearly, and he's not looking, either. "I... regret what I did to you there," he says, finally. He can't keep watching this and stay quiet. "Your actions... left me no choice."
Vader doesn't respond verbally. He tilts his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. Obi-Wan is even more certain now that he's crying, but he doesn't want to think about it. It still hurts to see, no matter how angry Obi-Wan is with him. He does, truly, regret giving into the urge to hurt Vader, both now and then, but it was still his duty. He should do it, even if he doesn't want to. It's what the Anakin he knew would have wanted.
Obi-Wan knows better, but he can't help it when he moves slightly closer. This is the person who destroyed the Jedi, he reminds himself.
Vader opens his eyes again, expression going instantly wary as Obi-Wan settles within arm's reach of him. He looks... lost and scared and alone, and this close, Obi-Wan can definitely see that he is crying, though it's harder to tell when one of his eyes is so badly swollen. Something about the way he's holding himself – like he's expecting violence – reminds him so much of how Anakin was when he first came to the Temple.
Obi-Wan hesitates a moment before reaching over, laying a hand on his arm. Vader flinches, but he doesn't pull away. It's... the first time he's touched Anakin for anything other than fighting since... He doesn't remember, exactly. Shortly before he left for Utapau?
"Why are you keeping me here?" Vader asks, after a heartbeat of silence. His voice shakes ever so slightly, and he sounds... so tired.
"I didn't want us to fight again," he admits, because he couldn't let things go the way they did before. It's unspoken but he thinks it's clear enough. Even for as much Obi-Wan might have wanted to hurt him – maybe still does, even if not presently – he knew he could never go through that again.
Vader doesn't reply, but his shoulders shake ever so slightly, and he breathes in shakily, past the tears silently falling.
Something in him twists at the sight, and Obi-Wan doesn't know entirely what prompts him to move closer, hesitantly wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Vader stiffens a little, but he doesn't pull away.
After a pause, he leans into it the slightest bit – how Anakin always used to, except far more cautiously and he clearly hasn't let his guard down; Obi-Wan hasn't either – before very slowly reaching over, and hugs him back, as though he isn't sure if the gesture will be appreciated or not. Frankly, Obi-Wan doesn't know how he feels about this or anything at this moment. It's easier to not think.
"I'm sorry," he whispers, so quietly Obi-Wan is almost not sure if he just imagined it.
He doesn't know how to respond, so he opts for saying nothing.
But he's pretty sure it's a good thing Padme is nowhere to be seen, because she just might faint if she walked in right now.
**w**
Vader's being consumed by a constant, ceaseless loneliness. It's tearing him apart. He just... wants to go back. He wishes he could have gone all the way back to before... everything. When maybe they could have been happy.
He and Obi-Wan don't speak of it again. They go back to their awkward distance, avoidance so they don't start arguing again. Vader hates that even more. Both Padme and Ahsoka are trying to convince him it's not too late, but he doesn't believe it. (If he does, it'll mean accepting what Obi-Wan did to him, and that he did it senselessly. Needlessly.)
He misses Obi-Wan, especially the constant light he once had. That's gone now. It's been replaced by something... darker. He never has let go of the Dark Side. It's become a part of him, and even if he lets go, it will change him forever.
Vader hates all of this, but he already knows there's no way out. The nightmares of the even worse future that would have been if not for the time-travel still haunt him ceaselessly. He wakes up in the night often, and this time, the images of the operation and all of that immediate aftermath swirling in front of his eyes.
He soundlessly slips out of his room with Padme, careful not to wake her. He just wants to be somewhere. With someone he knows will protect him. There is no one. Not anymore.
Maybe there never truly was, but it always brings him back to thinking about before. How things used to be. He misses Obi-Wan so much right now it hurts to breathe. Obi-Wan once took that role, but that disappeared when he left him on Mustafar.
It's probably stupid – no, it's definitely stupid; in fact, he has no idea what he even thinks he's doing – but he soundlessly moves down the hall, towards Obi-Wan's bedroom. He reinforces his shielding to cloak his presence, using a touch of the Force to keep the door opening and closing as quiet as possible as he steps into the room.
Obi-Wan is, unsurprisingly, fast asleep, just like Vader ought to be, but he can never rest that... peacefully. He feels a little more like the Obi-Wan that Vader used to know – or thought he used to know, because he questions if he ever truly did – now, because his presence is calmer than when he's awake. Vader curls up on the floor, letting himself fall back into an uneasy sleep.
**w**
Obi-Wan senses it when he wakes up, but Vader is already gone. It's the fact that he was here that's... confusing, but he doesn't bring it up. Neither of them do. Some things are easier left alone.
Whenever they talk, it usually seems to end in an argument – even if they're generally a lot less... violent than that last one that Padme interrupted. Ignoring each other completely except when they have to talk is... easier in some ways. Except it only makes him miss Anakin more. He always will though. Vader is... not Anakin. Not anymore.
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