CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Almost immediately, Jane forgot about her promise to write to Sarah. Two weeks had passed before she suddenly remembered, which only led to even more guilt on her behalf. She was currently in the middle of her double Defence Against the Dark Arts period, trying to find something to write to Sarah about. So far, all she had written was: Dear Sarah, I'm so so so sorry that I've forgotten to write.
"What're you doing?" Sirius asked from beside her, bored from the lecture.
"Trying to think of something to write. Now, leave me alone," Jane retorted.
Jane had started the year in that class sitting beside Remus. However, because James and Sirius had managed to accidentally make one of their inkwells explode during mid-November in the middle of class, Jane had been forced into having to swap seats with James for the rest of the year. Their new Defence teacher, Professor Connolly, didn't like nonsense in his class. He also didn't like an array of other things, such as most of the students at Hogwarts, and the students, in turn, didn't like him very much either.
"You've got a real novel going on there," Sirius remarked sarcastically as he looked at all she had written.
"I can't think of anything to write about!" Jane exclaimed in a frustrated tone.
"Well, then why are you writing to her? Nothing exciting's happened. Write to her when something does," Sirius explained as though it were that simple.
"You don't get it," Jane said. "Did you know that I forgot to send her a letter on her birthday this year? What kind of friend does that?"
"Well, just send her one now."
"Her birthday was in October, Sirius; I can't very well send her one now, can I?"
"I still don't understand why you have to write to her when nothing's happened," Sirius said.
"I promised her that I'd write more than I have been," Jane explained. "I've already forgotten, and it's been two weeks."
"Why doesn't she just write to you if she's the one wanting to talk to you all the time?" Sirius asked, doodling on his parchment.
"It's not her fault that I have to go here. I feel kinda bad about it, you know?" Sirius stopped doodling and rolled his eyes at her.
"No, I don't know," he said. "It's not her fault you have to go here, but it's not your fault either. Would you rather be going to some Muggle school?"
"No, but I—"
"Then, why feel guilty about it?" he asked as though it were that simple.
"She's been my best friend ever since we were little," Jane explained.
"So?" Sirius asked. "It's not your fault you're a witch. It's not your fault you have to keep it all a secret from her. And it's not your fault that there's nothing to write to her about that you actually can tell her. If anything, it's her fault for not understanding that you don't have to write to her every day."
"How many friends do you actually have at home?" Jane asked.
"Not counting my cousin Andromeda? Zero," he said. Jane went back to her letter.
"Well, see there? You don't understand what it's like to have to leave your friends."
"I leave you guys every summer."
"Yeah, and you write to us," Jane pointed out.
"Oh, come off it. I wrote you one letter, Janie, and that was because I was bored, and James told me to."
Jane rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, well, you're a git, and summer only lasts three months. School lasts nine," Jane said.
"With breaks in between," Sirius said.
"We get, like, two breaks in all of nine months."
"Look, would you rather be here or at home with Sarah?" he asked. Jane, who was getting increasingly annoyed by his questioning, was caught off guard by this particular question.
"That's not a fair question," she said quietly.
"Oh, why not? It's a simple yes or no—"
"Because you don't know what goes on in my life when I'm not here," Jane blurted out, and seeing the look on Sirius' face, she immediately regretted it.
Jane looked back at her paper to avoid his questioning gaze. She had only wanted him to leave her alone, but the way she had said it had made it sound like she had an awful life. Her life wasn't awful. Sure, it wasn't perfect, but her life wasn't awful like she might've just made it sound. She felt terrible for having said it. She didn't really know why she had, and she was frustrated with herself for it. She was frustrated from feeling guilty all the time whenever she thought of home or Sarah or her parents.
"Are you okay, Janie?" Sirius asked, the tone of his voice more sincere now, which for some reason, and she wasn't quite sure why, made her eyes sting.
"I'm fine," she lied.
"Then, why are you crying?"
And as if on cue, a tear escaped her; she quickly wiped it away, even more frustrated now. She didn't know why she was crying. Honestly, there was nothing to cry about. She was just being dramatic and making this whole thing look a lot worse than it actually was. And once more, she felt guilty for it.
"Just stop asking me questions, and let me write my letter," she said, almost harshly, as though it were his fault she were feeling this way.
That afternoon, after she had finally sent off Sarah's letter, which took far too long to write, Jane walked along the edge of the Black Lake by herself. She was trying not to think. Every time she thought, she ended up feeling guilty about something or other. Guilty for forgetting to write to Sarah. Guilty for being mad at her parents for no reason that seemed good enough to her. Guilty because she didn't ever want to go home, and she didn't really understand why. She should want to go home, shouldn't she?
"James is looking for you, you know?" came Remus' voice from behind her. Jane didn't look at him.
"Yeah, I know," she said. "Just came down here to clear my thoughts."
Remus walked up beside her and put his hands in his pockets.
"Sirius said that you got pretty upset today in Defence," Remus said. "Care to share"
"Not really," Jane said, the only reason being was because she didn't even know why she had gotten upset. She was quiet for a moment.
"Remus," she said suddenly, "what's the thing you hate most about Hogwarts?"
The question threw him. He wasn't quite sure what it had to do with anything.
"Um, I don't know. Homework?" he said, thinking of the first thing to pop into his mind.
"Would you choose Hogwarts over home?" she asked, her voice a bit weaker this time.
"I-I don't know. It depends."
This wasn't the answer Jane had been looking for. She began to chew the inside of her lip.
"Are you all right?" Remus asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Why?"
"Because you only do that when you're worried or anxious about something," he said, talking about her lip biting. Jane stopped doing it and sighed.
"Do you ever just not want to go home and not have a good reason for it?" she asked. Remus only shrugged, shaking his head slightly. Jane instantly regretted bringing it up.
"Do you?" he asked.
Jane was silent for a while. She didn't know if she should tell the truth or not. The truth sounded selfish, in her opinion. Lately, whenever she thought of holidays or term coming to an end, she was consumed with a longing to stay at the castle. No, that wasn't completely true either. Nowadays, she only fantasised about not having to go home, wherever else she would stay didn't really matter.
"All the time," she whispered.
"Well, there's always a reason for how we feel," Remus said, "whether we've figured it out yet or not."
"Well, I don't like it," Jane said. "I've always known why I feel the way I do, and I don't like not knowing. If I don't know why, then I can't make sense out of it, and when I can't make sense out of it, I start to feel guilty about it because I don't have any reason to feel that way."
"Do you always have to know the reason for everything?"
"For this I do," Jane said. "I don't ever want to go home, and I don't know why. I mean, home's where Sarah is. Home's where Mum and Dad are, and I love them, but it's like I don't—care. And I feel awful for that."
"Maybe you're just not as close to them as you used to be," Remus said. "It's normal to grow apart."
"But I don't want to grow apart," Jane said. "That's my best friend. That's my family. What kind of person am I if I don't want to be around them?"
"You're right; you're a dreadful person," Remus said, his tone changing completely. "You might as well just hate yourself."
Jane frowned at him, not appreciating his sarcastic attitude towards her semi-crisis. He only chuckled a bit before smiling.
"It's not your fault you feel that way; we can't help how we feel sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person; it just means you have some things to figure out is all."
She sighed, figuring that he was right because what he'd said had sounded really smart, and she was getting too tired to argue anyway.
"Why is it none of you will ever let me just mope about things for a bit?" Jane asked.
"Now, what kind of friends would we be if we let you do that?" he asked, a smile on his lips as he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and steered her towards the castle. "Now, come on. I'm starving, and it's really cold out here."