Chapter 7: Confession
The sun rays coming through the open window woke Edythe early the next morning; she squeezed her eyes against the glare, turning her head so her vision could adjust. She lay on her back next Beau, who was still snoozing. She looked around Beau's room slowly, still a little out of it, hearing Charlie banging around in the kitchen downstairs.
It was a strange sensation, to not be able to hear every small whistle of air through Beau's father's lungs, to not hear the soft creak of a chair as he stood, or the jingle of his keys as he made to leave. She barely heard the engine of the cruiser turn over and drive down the block, rather than being able to hear him the entire drive to the station.
The small beams of rays coming through the window was surprising; she didn't know it would be a sunny day, though she'd hardly had the time to check the weather, or ask Archie. The good weather had the same effect on her as it had before, but this time for a different reason; she wanted to be out in the weather, to enjoy the sun on her skin without having to worry about its prismatic effect. But, for now, she was content to stay where she was.
Edythe settled besides Beau, content to watch him sleep; just as when she was a vampire, his unconsciousness captivated her. But it was different now that they could share an oblivion, though Edythe's experience had been less than dreamy thus far. She sighed at that; she had remembered waking up and speaking to Archie and the others last night, and she tried to give herself a bit of a confidence boost given that she'd had no reaction to them over the phone.
That didn't stop Edythe's guilt as she guessed how much her reactions hurt them; she longed again to be able to just be with them, but something so simple before her change was now so difficult. That was true for a lot of things now; it was not as effortless and thoughtless to move, though she hadn't had considerable trouble once she got the hang of where her equilibrium was. But things that were easy, weren't so easy anymore. With the simplicity with which she could touch and kiss Beau, came the difficulty of learning how to be human.
Beau's fluttering eyelids distracted Edythe from her musings and she couldn't help but smile, leaning forward to press her lips to his. He was sluggish at first but eventually responded in kind, pressing his lips against hers more firmly as he fully awoke. She pulled herself closer, their legs twining together between the sheets. Beau chuckled.
"I could get used to waking up like this," he murmured.
Edythe giggled slightly, worming her way into his arms. He held her tightly, his nose pressed into her hair. She moved her lips from his mouth to his jaw, down his neck to his shoulder. It still amazed her how easy it was to do this, once her bloodlust was gone. She didn't have to think or check her thirst anymore.
There was still the other urge, though, the same ruling she had felt before as a vampire; it had matched her bloodlust in strength and she had always wondered if one emulated the other. She realized now, though, that this impulse was completely separate from her former desire for his blood, and she found it harder to control than she anticipated. To be with Beau like this was easy, too easy, and she longed to delve deeper, to be with him in the most instinctual way. She grabbed at his t-shirt, pulling him closer, her instincts driving her on, but he restrained her gently. Pulling her back slightly, he kissed the tip of her nose as she pouted.
"Breakfast," he recommended, and laughed at her disappointed face; if it were up to her, she would spend all morning in his arms, reveling in the ease of her capabilities to physically touch him without fear. But she was hungry; she could feel the now familiar growl in her abdomen, her stomach complaining for sustenance. She sat up and he joined her, both of them moving in unison to get ready. Edythe was first in the bathroom and then they switched, finally coming downstairs to the empty kitchen.
"What would you like to eat?' Beau asked.
Edythe shrugged. "Something new." She was still curious and wanted to try different foods.
Beau grinned and set to work, finding the ingredients for scrambled eggs and bacon. The time though, Beau encouraged her to help him. Edythe was cautious but willing and—though it took a bit longer than it would have for Beau to do it alone—they were able to put together two plates of sizzling bacon and fresh scrambled eggs. Edythe still didn't think the food looked particularly appetizing, but the smell was making her mouth water so she didn't hesitate to try it. She was quickly discovering her preference of meat, but the eggs were surprisingly good too, considering they were basically only yolk and protein.
Once they were done, they cleaned their dishes in companionable silence and moved to the couch. Though she had just been willing to be lazy and lay in bed all day, Edythe felt no desire to sit and watch TV. She leaned into Beau's side as he asked her what she wanted to do.
"I want to go to the meadow," she suggested, recalling her earlier desire, her yearning to be outside. Beau raised an eyebrow.
"Do you still know how to get there?" he asked dubiously. She rolled her eyes and jumped to her feet.
"Yes; we just would take the trail for part of the journey," she insisted. She was energized by the prospect; the meadow, before her place to find solitude and peace, was now the place she shared with Beau, filled with the memories of that fateful day when they had made their proclamations and she had dominated her overbearing thirst. She felt the urge to go back, to be there with Beau, and she thought he felt it too, though neither had returned since that day because of Beau's injuries.
Beau gave in willingly, telling her to go change into more comfortable clothing—"you actually need to wear hiking clothes now"—while he prepared snacks. When she returned, she wore a pair of deep blue capri leggings and a white tank top, similar to the one she had worn on their first journey to the meadow. She felt a small wave of gratitude for Archie to have packed her some athletic clothes, knowing she was probably going to sweat.
Though still slightly unsettled to think about her family, she remembered how almost effortless it was to speak to him over the phone—granted in her exhausted state—and promised herself to text him later to thank him. As she stepped into the kitchen where Beau was filling a backpack with water bottles and granola bars, she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket. She checked her messages and couldn't help but laugh at Archie's quick you're welcome! text.
Shaking her head, she went to help Beau finish packing. He packed light but still with the essentials, including two large water bottles, sandwiches, a few snack bars, and a large blanket to sit on. The bag was not heavy and he easily swung it over his shoulders and reached out to take her hand. They moved toward the Volvo after locking up the house, but this time Beau handed her the keys. She looked at him warily.
"You'll be fine; just be a bit more cautious of the speed limit," he teased.
She made a face but took the fob reluctantly and moved to the driver's side. She did not want to know how she would do driving; her entire driving experience had only ever been as a vampire, as cars had not been a popular mode of transportation until after her transformation. Combined with the fact that she knew she could now die in a car accident now—and take Beau with her—she had objected to the prospect up until now. But she knew she would have to try eventually, and she knew at this time on a Monday morning with virtually no people on the road would be an appropriate time.
Edythe got behind the wheel, making sure to buckle her seatbelt; the extra motion felt foreign, but now necessary. Beau looked completely relaxed as she turned the car on, though in his mind, he was ready to intercede if she needed it.
But his readiness was groundless; once she placed her foot against the pedal and drove down the street, she felt her muscles automatically adjust for the change. Though she could no longer keep her eyes off the road, the decades of driving had given her the skill to do so almost automatically; the familiar feeling, the feeling of control, allowed her to relax as she made the trip to the end of Highway 110. She pulled the Volvo to the side of the road and stepped out. The sense of déjà vu was almost tangent, but this time she felt no fear for Beau's life today, only happiness at the togetherness and the urge to be in their favorite place. Beau took her hand as they moved toward the trail.
The hike took longer than the first time, partially because of the longer route to avoid getting lost, but also it allowed Edythe to adjust to such physical exercise. She had to pay a little more attention to where she was going and how she was moving; her old vampire body had been able to unconsciously avoid obstacles and give her a perfect sense of direction.
Though that was gone, she still knew the exact location of the meadow in reference to the trail, and she found, as the hours went on, her ability to navigate the uneven trek of the congested trees and grasses more manageable. Even Beau, who usually was working on keeping himself upright, was so consumed with Edythe's potential vulnerability that he completely forgot to watch for himself; despite the lack of focus, he found he didn't trip once, an amazing feat of itself.
Four hours after starting on their journey, they began to recognize the yellow light ahead of them; moving more hurriedly, they made toward the light, their eyes finding the gap in the trees and seeing the hint of the wildflowers. Edythe didn't hesitate stepping from the edge of the forest into the open space. The sun's strong rays, undisturbed by the usual heavy cloud cover, beat down on her exposed shoulders and back, the UV light warming her in a new, comforting way; her skin didn't even hint of a sparkle, only beaded with sweat as she worked to reach the place.
Beau pulled lightly on her hand and she followed him to the center of the meadow. He laid the large blanket down on the ground—though the sun was out, there wasn't enough time yet to dry the rain from the grass—and began unpacking their lunch. Edythe dropped down onto the material, lounging as Beau handed her the food. They sat much as they had the last time, facing each other, legs folded, knees touching. When they had finished eating, Edythe gently placed her forehead against Beau's, her eyes closing and sighing peacefully.
"If only we could stay here forever," she murmured. He kissed her lightly on the lips.
"I know; this place is outside time and space," he agreed.
"It's why I liked it so much. I came here when I needed to get away, to get peace, a new perspective," Edythe sighed again, her mind reluctantly turning to her thoughts from this morning. Beau could see the change in her expression.
"How are you doing?" he asked quietly; he didn't particularly want to bring this up, but he knew he needed to. And he felt that she knew it too, that this was why they had felt drawn to come here. Edythe shrugged slightly, leaning back, her eyes on her hands in her lap.
"I'm trying," she admitted, "But it's harder than I thought it would be. Some things are easier, while others are considerably harder. It's an adjustment, one I probably never could have been prepared for. It's strange, being human, being seventeen again." Her face was so frustrated, so disconcerted, that Beau reached out to cup her face in his palm. She met his gaze, trying to show him what she meant. He smiled, working to make a joke of the comment.
"Well, it is interesting that now we can say I am older than you," he teased lightly. Edythe raised her eyebrows, then realized he was right. He would be turning eighteen in a couple of months, and her human birthday wouldn't be until next summer. She gave a small half-laugh, seeing the irony, but it wasn't enough to get her out of the stupor.
"I do feel younger," Edythe agreed after a moment, "I feel more like the teenager I've been for the past century. And I have to say I don't know how I feel about it."
"About what exactly?" Beau asked cautiously. She kept her eyes locked on his as she responded.
"It's just…all so strange. I've lived for decades as a vampire, lived the same way for most of my entire existence. And, everything seems to have turned upside down. In some ways, it's amazing; my thirst being gone, my strength dissipating, it allows me to touch and hold you and kiss you without the dread and caution I always had to concentrate on. I don't have to focus every moment on not killing you anymore. And you have no idea how happy that makes me.
"But the simple things, they now seem impossible! Like eating and sleeping and moving, so many humans things that should come so naturally to me I have to relearn. And the stupid, inane reactions to my family; I can't control it." Edythe's words moved quicker now, and Beau could sense her letting everything tumble out of her. He didn't stop her, letting her get everything out that was on her mind.
"Every time I think of them now, I want nothing more than to go home, to apologize, to try to explain myself. Even before, I wanted to be with them; but the moment they walked into the room, I seemed to have no control. Even while I feel myself losing composure, I'm trying to force myself to see reason, to get through to my mind that they would never hurt me, and I know they wouldn't, but I can't get a grip on myself. What is wrong with me?" Beau opened his mouth to protest, but Edythe continued.
"I'm no longer bombarded by random, sometimes revealing and private, thoughts; and though I can feel the relief of having my mind to myself and everyone else's to themselves, it's unsettling. It feels wrong somehow, even though I know it shouldn't. And now even though I feel so happy sometimes, like right now. "Being with you, here and now, I can't imagine it getting any better, and I feel giddy as I think about what could be ahead for us, the opportunities with you by my side, and I can't believe I was given the second chance, the wish I have longed for. But…"
Edythe broke off, unsure how to say the next part, that although the road before her promised her the human future she wanted so badly for herself and Beau, she couldn't help but to remember everything else; her family, her old way of life. And she couldn't seem to reconcile what she was looking forward to and what she had already made.
If she had been a seventeen-year-old girl, there wouldn't be a century full of life behind her, just as attached to her being as the boy in front of her was. Edythe looked at Beau, trying to figure how to express what she was feeling. She knew she had been ranting, but she had no other way of getting the emotions out. Beau's hands ran down her arms soothingly.
"You may be human now, Edythe, but you didn't lead a human life," he said. "There's far more to this than just a simple one way road. Just because you're human doesn't mean the vampire side of you just goes away." Beau understood her dilemma, could see the constant raging conflict in her eyes.
She'd worn the same expression multiple times in the beginning of their relationship, warring with herself of her choices to love Beau and to allow him to love her back; she abhorred herself for thinking she was taking him away from his human world. But he knew now as much as he did then, that his life was tied to hers, no matter how much human or vampire influence was a part of it.
"When we first met, the first few weeks, you were constantly fighting over wanting to be with me," Beau began. Edythe met his gaze, unsure about where he was going with this line of conversation. But she nodded.
"I didn't think I could give you the life, the full human life, you deserved. I didn't want to take you away from all the things you could have had that I couldn't give you," she said. "I didn't want you give up being human for me, that I believed you did or would want more than what I could provide. It was one of my greatest battles, bloodlust aside." Beau nodded.
"But, the thing is, Edythe," he said, "It wasn't about a choice of a 'human' or 'vampire' life for me. It was a choice of you. I wanted you, not just the cookie-cutter, predictable future everyone has for themselves. When I realized I loved you, I knew that fact would never change, no matter how much time or distance that was put between us. I would never be able to just 'move on', whether to another person or place or goal; I would never be able to move on from you."
"I would never be able to move on from you, either," Edythe admitted; she remembered when she first realized her love for Beau; the change in her had been monumental and permanent. Even now, though she was human, all the feelings she felt for him were still there, a vampire's affection for their mate encased in her human heart. And she saw, looking at Beau as he spoke, that he felt the same, that he always had.
Edythe had been foolish to doubt him, to think him being human put a limit on how much he loved her as she had loved him as a vampire. She knew without a glimmer of doubt that, though she was human, her love for him had not diminished one iota, and that her love for him and his for her were evenly matched.
She realized her ideas of moving on, of trying to leave him, were completely pointless, because ultimately it would not have done ether of them any good. Once their feelings had been realized, their lifelines had fused together, becoming one. There was no way to deviate from that.
Edythe recalled the conversation between her and Beau two nights ago regarding his transformation, how he told her his desire to become a vampire was hinged on wanting to be with her forever in the best way he knew how. In her new human body, she knew that if the roles had been reversed, she would choose the same fate, because it was not enough to simply be with him; they needed to be together as they were now. And it never could have happened without them being the same species.
Edythe leaned her head against his chest, sighing. Beau could see the realization flitted through her eyes, and though no words had been spoken, he understood what she had been thinking, what she had been feeling. And his own shoulders relaxed as she finally seemed to understand, to begin to comprehend the adoration he felt for her. After a long moment, he lifted her chin to look at him.
"The human things will come in time; you've been living as a vampire for over a hundred years, but you've already made amazing progress in a little less than three days. You are learning, and that's nothing to be ashamed about," he told her. "We are going to do this together; no matter what happens or what we may have to face. I'm not going anywhere."
His promise was iron clad, and to make his point even clearer, he pulled her tightly into a hug. She hugged him back, another feeling of love rushing through her as she realized how lucky she was to have him. There was another moment of silence before Edythe spoke again.
"But, as you said, this isn't a simple human dilemma," she began. "It's not simply trying to get into the same college, or trying to get our classes together. There's more radical decisions. There's parts of my life that don't fit easily with my being human."
"You mean your family," Beau stated frankly. Edythe nodded.
"You will be able to go back to them; you will get over the fear," Beau soothed her.
"But can we even do that? Should we?" she countered. Beau raised his eyebrows, unsure of where she was coming from, and slightly shocked by the question.
"What do you mean?" he asked warily. Edythe shook her head, frustrated; she got to her feet, pacing in front of him in agitation as she spoke. Her fingers rung together as she talked.
"There's a reason we never interacted with humans, why we kept our distance. Because a human life and a vampire life are not reconcilable. Vampires cannot change, cannot adapt. Try as we might have, we simply couldn't live a human life. We lived on the outskirts and, eventually, once time was up, we picked up and started all over again, somewhere else. And that will happen again."
"And you're thinking that that life is not how you want to live?" Beau asked.
"I'm saying I don't need to live like that anymore. I'm human; I don't have to worry about people seeing me never age. I don't have to worry about the suspicions. I can be normal!" Edythe's words were start to rush again, and Beau could see Edythe's inner turmoil, but could not see the exact cause. He pushed her, trying to get her to open up, to articulate her feelings into words so he could better understand her, and where she was coming from with this proposition.
"No, you don't need to live like that," he agreed. "But you cannot simply dissolve yourself of the vampire side of your life. It was and still is a part of you. Do you really want to try to devoid all vampirism from your life, to try to live the quintessential 'normal' human life you imagined for me? You don't need to do it for my sake; I never wanted that if I couldn't have you."
"But you do have me, a human me. Now we can have that; I can give you that," Edythe interrupted, insistent, but Beau held up a hand to her, and she stayed quiet to let him finish.
"Yes, and I am thrilled to get to share the future with you. But is that life, a fully human one, the one you want?" he asked.
"I don't know," she said quietly, but he didn't fully believe that. She was holding back, trying to pull back behind a wall that she did not want to let down.
"Can you really do that? Can you really let go of the past a hundred years of your life? Do you really want to turn your back on the past century, on everything you've made and done? Do you really want to turn your back on your family?"
Beau knew it was a low blow to guilt her into thinking about her family, but he needed her to let go, to release whatever was holding her back. This conversation wasn't making a huge amount of sense, Edythe simply throwing around ideas while trying desperately to reconcile all the crazy emotions in her head. Edythe was still pacing and she sped up as he asked his questions.
"Beau, we're human, and they're not. Our future could and will be completely different from theirs," she said, but he could hear the edge of a break in her voice. He could see her falling apart and the connection finally rectified in his mind, the mental click almost audible as everything lined up echoing in his head as he stared at Edythe. As much he didn't want to, he pushed her again.
"So you want to break ties with them? You really think you can just walk away and never look back?"
Edythe didn't respond, the conflict clear in her eyes as she stared at him.
"You really want to give them? Jess and Archie, Royal and El? Earnest? Carine?"
Their names did what he expected them to do. Edythe turned to him, her pacing stopping abruptly.
"No, I don't want to!" She lashed out at him. "I don't want to say goodbye; they're my family! I love them; I've been with them my whole life. I can't just..I can't…"
Edythe fell to her knees, her head in her hands, the unexpected tears brimming in her eyes. Beau reached out and pulled her into his lap. He was quiet as she tried to get it out.
"I don't want to leave them…but I don't know what to do, how it would even work…I don't want to put them through that, to make them stay with me if I can't be with them, if they don't want me there…"
Beau sighed, pulling her to him tightly as she admitted her fears. Her talk was merely a show; her battle to reconcile the two halves of her life—her vampire life with the Cullens and her human future with Beau—had been tugging at her mind since she had awoken in her new state.
It was a return of the constant struggle of getting two worlds to fit together, to work with each other correctly. Edythe had struggled with it as a vampire, and now she struggled as a human. Though before she tackled between her vampire nature and her love for Beau, she now fought to find the covenant between her love for her family and her own desires for her love.
Edythe wanted more than anything to have a human life with Beau, and the human life she had lost when she nearly died in 1918. But she also wanted her family, in the same way any other person would. She had been with them her entire life, the solid, never ceasing constant.
She had her siblings, her brothers and sisters who she adored: her comrade Archie, her big sisters Eleanor and Jessamine; even Royal, the brother who though she butted heads with more than anyone else, she loved with all her being. And she had her amazing parents: her dotting, loving father Earnest, her wonderful mentor and mother Carine.
Edythe couldn't imagine how she could live without them; she never had to think of the prospect before now, and the idea alone was painful as she considered it now. Her heart ached at the idea of not being with them, in a different way than when she was away from Beau.
But, even as she longed for them, she couldn't figure out an outlook for it to work, to have both her human life and her vampire family. So she had tried to force herself to give up on the first prospect, to try to mentally distance herself from her family, trying to use the uncontrollable reactions as a means to force them out of her life. But it hadn't worked; because, despite the irrational fear, despite her love for Beau, she couldn't simply give up her family, try as she might. And so here she sat, crying in her mate's arms, unable to come to a solution.
"You need to bring this up with them," Beau finally said; she pulled away slightly to look into his face.
"This is partly their decision too; if they want you or both of us in their lives at all. I know how much of a struggle it was for you to have me around, and I know it wasn't easy for them either, to have a human in their midst. This would be more; to live in their house, you would be there a lot more than I would. That's a life choice that should be made up to them, since they would have to live with the consequences."
Edythe nodded slightly, understanding his logic. He was able to emulate what she felt, not wanting to put her family in discomfort in their home, the one place where they should be free to live as they wished without the burden of restraint.
"If they don't want or cannot handle us in their lives, then their decision is made," he proposed, "We can give them that space." Edythe cringed at the thought, but forced another hard nod in affirmation. Beau rubbed her back gently in comfort before continuing.
"Or…," he added slowly, "we go to Carine to ask to be changed. Both of us," Edythe's eyebrows shot up and her mouth opened. Beau put a finger to her lips.
"It's simply another option," he assured her firmly, "We would end up no worse than we were four days ago. My decision would not change; I am not leaving you. It's either both of us or neither of us." She debated, though her eyes widened at the idea. She couldn't imagine how Carine would react if she were to ask for herself and Beau to be changed. Fleetingly, she frowned at the thought of going through her newborn years all over again, but that phase alone would prove that Beau was right. Edythe knew she would never be able to keep Beau alive as a newborn, with the way his blood smelled to her after a century of training.
Besides that though, she had to begrudgingly admit she understood; Beau and she could not exist as different species, that was clear, but she still could not simply accept him giving up his humanity. He predicted her argument and stopped her in her tracks.
"It would be a compromise, Edythe," he told her, "and that would be my part of the compromise. You choose the option you can live with and I choose the option I could live with."
"But your father—" Edythe made to protest.
"My father would be okay," Beau said, though a little sadly. "I have been preparing to say goodbye to him one day anyway. He knew I would never stay in Forks forever. As for my mom…well, she has Phil. She doesn't need me as much as she used to. They will mourn, but they will move on." Edythe couldn't meet his gaze, still unsettled by the proposition.
"Don't worry about it unless it becomes a viable option," Beau assured her, "It wasn't my first choice." She looked at him warily.
"What's your first choice?" she mumbled.
"To stay with your family, for you to go back to them once you're able to. For us to go with them when they move next year, to live our lives alongside them," Beau told her quietly. Edythe looked up at him, her eyes unsure at such an idea.
"Weren't you going to try to do the same for me?" he asked. "To stay by my side as I lived my human life, as ridiculous it would have been?" Edythe didn't answer the question.
"I can't ask them to do that," she said quietly, looking away again. "I can't ask them to make that sacrifice."
"You won't need to," Beau assured her, "It would be their decision to make. That's why you ask for their perspective, so we can all come to the middle ground that everyone can live with."
Edythe hesitated; she didn't think this last option was a viable outcome, no matter how much she wanted it. It was filled with uncertainties and so many adjustments to make, not just for herself but for Beau and the rest of her family. She tried to force back the selfish part, the righteous part that admonished her for wanting her family to give that up for her.
In this moment though, Edythe wanted nothing more to be home; she would fight whatever reaction her body tried to force her to have, to be with her family again. Beau was right; she couldn't just give them up. But at the same time, she couldn't force them to tolerate her if they didn't want it.
But she didn't actually know what they wanted, what they thought, what plans they had may have made for this prospect. And Edythe knew Beau was right, that this was just as much her family's choice as it was her and Beau's.
She sighed heavily, not feeling much better, but at least comforted in having an actionable plan. It was better than her wrestling with alternatives on her own. Though her jumbled up thoughts and feelings were slightly more coherent after with talking to Beau, they had been molded into three possible roads rather than one, and she knew there was only one road she really wanted to travel.
Now she would have to wait for her family's decision to decide which road they'd all be turning down.