"Oh lovely, you're both up." Jean grinned at them both in a way that Severus definitely didn't like, it strangely reminded him of Hermione readying herself to explain to someone exactly why they were a bloody idiot . "That party was quite something. I can't believe that that man…..Yaxley? I think that's who Lucius said it was, attempted to eat poor Loofah. I mean surely he realised she wasn't currently edible. It's hardly normal to dress up your food….although it's not normal to dress up live chickens either I suppose. I thought Thoros was going to murder him, although at least all he got was a mouthful of feathers and Narcissa assured me that the tentacles would go away eventually. She seemed to be under the impression that Thoros was remarkably restrained, although what's restrained about giving a man enough tentacles to leave him standing in the nude in a room full of people because his new tentacles have torn through his clothes is beyond me. She blamed us, you know? And you. Seems to think if Thoros had hexed him as she thinks he wanted to you'd never have agreed to let Hermione be anywhere near Theo. Sleep well?"
Severus blinked as he attempted to process that monologue. Merlin, he at least knew where Hermione got it from now, the woman didn't appear to have drawn breath the entire time she spoke. Fuck she was grinning again. "Reasonably." Severus hedged.
She hummed, "Wonderful. Now….I'll make this quick as I'm sure you must be positively ravenous," Severus stomach dropped, fuck, what was coming? Nothing bloody good judging by the look on Jeans face, she looked far too fucking amused. "We're very fond of you of course, Severus and we appreciate that we've been forced into close proximity because we share a daughter, a daughter that truthfully, I would like to be able to leave a reasonable inheritance to one day. Unfortunately I'm concerned I'll be forced to spend it all on therapy." The woman's grin was sharklike. "I do believe that you lot have something called silencing charms?"
Immediately Severus felt his face flame. Beside him, Amelia looked similarly horrified as the implications of that question washed over them both. "Fuck." she muttered, as Jean laughed. "We're sorry?"
Snorting Jean shook her head. "Richard and I are adults, and we got that lovely elf of Hermione's to pop up a little silencing charm for our room when it ah… became apparent that you were very, very pleased with Severus' talented tongue. However, it would probably be best to practise the charm in future, I don't imagine Harry, Hermione or Susan want to hear that. And good counsellors are quite expensive. Now, I must go and see where they've got to, Richard was threatening to fill the water guns. And Severus? Do make sure to brush your teeth well dear…..and I hope you removed your braces or at the very least soaked them in some Milton."
There was several minutes of stunned silence where Severus could not figure out how to make words form.
"Well that was fucking mortifying." Amelia groaned eventually, her face still flaming as she sank down onto the sofa, her eyes staring at the door that Jean had left through with an evil little smirk on her face, "I feel like we've just been caught by your bloody parents."
Severus shuddered, never again did he want his daughters mother to be discussing his sex life….or his oral hygiene, he was going to have to charm his teeth straight and burn those fucking braces. There was no way he could discuss them with Richard now. He never wanted to see the fucking things ever again. He wondered briefly if this was how Hermione and Harry would feel if he discussed their….liaisons. Perhaps there was something in that. He wasn't sure he wanted to have sex ever again after that chat. And he definitely wasn't going to get Jean saying "talented tongue" with such malicious delight out of his head for a very long time. Perhaps Amelia would obliviate him? He could feel his balls trying to crawl back up into his body in embarrassment.
"Where the fuck are all the time turners when you need one." he muttered, willing his face to return to a normal colour.
Amelia snorted, "Can you imagine asking Saul to check you one out because Jean lectured you on silencing charms like you were an irresponsible teenager?"
Severus groaned, "For fucks sake, Saul would never let me hear the end of it."
"Let you hear the end of what?" a voice queried, startling them both.
"For the love of Merlin, Saul! Don't you have other people to terrorise?" Severus barked, willing his heart rate back to normal. Why the fuck had they got up this morning? They should have stayed in bed and remained in blissful ignorance. Although….then Jean might have shouted through the door and that would have been ten times fucking worse. He barely repressed a shudder at the thought.
Saul grinned unrepentantly. "Nope." he declared, settling himself on the sofa across from them. "I must say you're both looking wonderfully…..relaxed."
"Saul!" Severus growled warningly, making the man snigger like a schoolgirl.
"Where are your delightful children, you grumpy bastard? Honestly, one would think finally getting one's leg over would put you in a better mood. Was the sex that bad Amelia, darling? Tell Uncle Saul everything."
Seeing Severus' face Amelia sighed, "Saul for the love of Merlin are you a masochist? Do you want him to hex you?"
"Well I have always rather enjoyed the broody, domineering type" he mused, "Do you remember the delectable Morrison Rowle? All dark and grumpy and absolutely delightfully wicked in the bedroom. Very few boundaries that man….."
"I think I might vomit." Severus murmured,
"I never had you down as a homophobe, Severus." Saul replied archly, his face closing off as he rapidly lost his playful demeanour.
"And I am not," Severus countered, "The image of you having sex with anyone is enough to make me want to vomit. Its not a picture I ever wanted in my head .For the love of Merlin you cannot imagine your sexual orientation is a surprise, you hardly hide it! I've known since I walked into your office all those years ago and you asked my opinion on Bertram Rosiers arse."
Saul relaxed back into the sofa, laughing "And what a delightful arse it was. I do think you're being shortsighted you know, think of all the things I could teach you, Severus." he purred.
Severus shuddered, "Dear gods no. Please stop or I'll have to ask Amelia to obliviate me."
"Suit yourself," Saul shrugged with a small grin. "How do you put up with such a prude, Amelia?"
Amelia snorted, "Surprisingly, he's not quite as prudish as he'd lead you to believe."
"For heaven's sake do not encourage him!" Severus cut in, a blush appearing on his cheeks.
"Yes, yes, do encourage him!" Saul crowed, "Tell me more!"
Laughing, Amelia shook her head, "Sorry Saul, but it's probably unwise to upset the man you're sleeping with."
Saul sighed dramatically, "Fine, as it's clearly too much to ask to be allowed to live vicariously through you, will you point me in the direction of your children?"
Severus frowned, "I don't want you living vicariously through them either!"
Saul let out a loud bark of laughter, "Perhaps in a decade or so, but I imagine it's all dreadfully boring and nonexistent currently. No, I simply wanted to give them these."
He held up his hand with Hermione's necklace and Harry's ring in the centre. "I've ironed out the kinks, I think."
"I believe they are outside with Richard and Jean." Severus sighed, "With water guns." Saul nodded and stood to go and find them. "Saul?" Severus voiced hesitantly, making an instant decision that he hoped he didn't come to regret..
"Yes?"
"I…..not now but at some point….if there is a need, will you speak with Harry?"
Saul frowned, "About?"
"Draco mainly." Severus replied drily. Saul blinked stupidly before comprehension dawned on his face. "The muggle world can be less accepting," Severus explained, "He's not quite ready to admit it but when he is, I'd feel better knowing he had someone to talk to that can understand what's going through his head."
Saul nodded, his face more serious than Severus had seen it. "Of course." he said softly, "Our world is more tolerant but he is the boy who lived and I imagine….well there'll be talk. Send him to me when you need to." he looked at Severus, his face oddly thoughtful, "Thank you for trusting me with this." he said softly.
Severus' lip twitched into a crooked smile, "Thank you for being willing to do it."
Saul nodded before turning on his heel and heading for the gardens.
"That meant a lot to him, you know." Amelia said softly.
Severus sighed, "I know. I'm trying to accept that Hermione has decided to keep him, so we're stuck with him regardless."
Amelia laughed, "You like him you bloody grump, just admit it."
"I will do nothing of the sort!"
Laughing, Amelia pulled him to his feet, "Come on, let's go and find the children. Perhaps if we let them soak us, they'll forget to be embarrassed by what they thought they almost walked in on."
Severus groaned, "For fucks sake, I had forgotten about that."
They found the children and Richard in the garden soaking wet. Jean was perched on a lounger she had acquired from Merlin only knew where, judging by the perfect circle of water surrounding her, Severus assumed she'd had an elf cast a protective ward to keep her and the lounger dry.
Saul was standing with Harry and Hermione, clearly explaining the new features on their jewellery.
"So I just need to say Headmaster and it'll start?" Harry asked, squinting at his ring.
"Yes. To end it, tap it twice and say Loofah." Both the children laughed, putting the jewellery back on. "Now Miss Bones, you do not currently need one but I imagine that might change. If the Headmaster starts taking an unusual interest in chatting to you, do let your Aunt know and I'll get something over to you."
Susan nodded, looking slightly alarmed that the Headmaster might start taking an interest in her.
"It'll be fine, Susan." Amelia soothed, seeing her expression. "It's just a precaution in case he gets wind of how much time you've spent with Harry and Hermione."
Susan's eyes flew to her Aunt, before darting to Severus, she squeaked and turned a brilliant shade of red. Saul watched her with interest, noting Harry and Hermione looked torn between amusement and revulsion.
"Something you want to explain, children?" he asked lightly. All three shook their heads vigorously.
Amelia snorted, "It was a foot massage after I took off those bloody heels."
Hermione turned, arching a brow. "According to Susan it sounded like one hell of a foot massage," Her eyes widened as she realised what she had just said- and to who, her hand flying to her mouth in horror. Beside her Harry let out a strangled laugh of disbelief.
"Merlin, Hermione! Someones been a terrible influence on you!"
"Indeed they have." Severus drawled, pinning Saul with a look.
"Oh, no! Don't you go blaming me for your daughter's lack of filter, Severus Snape. That's all Lady Fawley." Saul gasped as he tried to get his laughter under control.
Severus cocked his head, considering that for a moment. "Fair point."
"What's the story with Annalise and that man from last night?" Jean voiced, getting off her lounger to join them.
Severus shrugged, "I do not know the whole story, Annalise and Arnold were high school sweethearts but both of them were betrothed to other people in binding contracts. Rumour has it that both begged their parents to void the contracts but in those days, a lot of contracts were bound in blood, making them unbreakable. Arnold's parents agreed, but Annalise's could not. She was forced to marry Simon to fulfil the contract, and Arnold married his original betrothed. I gather there were more dramatics than that but the only people who know the whole story are Simon, Annalise, Arnold and his wife, Marriane."
"How sad," she said softly, "His wife was not there last night?"
"No, I gather they keep largely separate lives, Marianne spends a lot of time in France. The Diggory's were no more suited than Annalise and Simon by all accounts."
"Oh. And the binding of the contract in blood, is it still done?"
"In the more traditional families, yes."
"Like the Notts?" she asked shrewdly.
"Yes," Severus agreed.
"I won't allow it." She said softly, looking him in the eye.
He nodded once, "Nor will I. And, if I'm honest, I imagine that if I tried, Annalise would intervene."
"Good."
"Now that that's cleared up, who is going to get me one of those delightful guns?" Saul asked, breaking the tension.
Severus sighed, transfiguring yet another of the damn things, at this rate he'd have enough to arm an entire army. He had a brief image of an army of children pelting Voldemort with water guns. It would be bloody hilarious. Insanely stupid, but hilarious.
Saul thanked him as he handed it over, checking to make sure they all had one before he grinned impishly, "Free for all!" at that he squirted Severus in the face before running off giggling. The children scattered immediately as Severus stood slightly stunned for a moment.
"Run, Croaker. Because I am coming for you!" he shouted as chaos erupted in the garden.
Jean sighed from her perch on the lounger, watching as adults and teenagers alike ran about like small children. "Thank goodness for elves" she muttered as yet another blast of water bounced off the shield.
Two days later saw Thoros fidgeting nervously with his robes, Severus watched him with amusement, while Theo looked apprehensive. Severus wasn't sure if it was because he wasn't comfortable in the muggle world or if he was worried about taking his father into it.
"You cannot wear that." Severus drawled walking into the room, pointedly ignoring the way Theo's eyes lit up at the sight of Hermione and the way the boy skirted around him to pull his daughter into a hug. His resolve was severely tested when the boy kissed her, it might have only been her temple but that was not the fucking point. He was interrupted from his thoughts of murder when Max appeared with the Drs Granger, Lucius, Narcissa and Draco stepped through the floo moments later.
"How does he get to wear normal clothes!" Lucius howled on spotting Thoros.
"He does not." Severus responded firmly, "I was just explaining that he could not go out wearing that before you arrived."
"What else am I meant to wear?" Thoros asked, affronted.
Severus arched an eyebrow. "You can see no difference between your clothing and ours?"
"Well obviously. But I don't own anything like that."
"Which is why I've brought you some." Richard cut in cheerfully.
Thoros eyed the bag with vaguely concealed horror. "Are you certain it's necessary?"
"Do you wish muggles to approach you believing you to be wearing a costume?"
Thoros shuddered, "No."
"Excellent. Go and get dressed."
Pouting, Thoros done as he was bid. "I don't like it." he said immediately on returning, fussing with the trousers.
"Tough. Let's go over the ground rules."
"No wands, no magic, no talk of magical creatures, spells or places." The children chorused, amused smiles on their faces. Amelia choked on a laugh, muttering something about them being bloody terrifying.
"Indeed. And no wandering off." Severus looked pointedly at Thoros and Lucius. "Now, we will floo the Leaky and take it from there."
"I know how it works, Severus. No need to talk to me like a child." Lucius replied haughtily
Severus barely suppressed a laugh, one venture into the muggle world and all of a sudden the man was an expert. With a sarcastic smirk, he gestured dramatically to the floo, "Then by all means, do lead us Lucius."
Lucius huffed, noting the barely repressed grins on everyone elses face. "Fine." he threw his shoulders back and marched to the floo. Trying not to laugh, everyone else followed him through.
They exited the leaky, Severus barely containing his growl as Theo immediately wrapped an arm around Hermione's shoulders and pulled her close.
"Dont." Amelia whispered, threading her arm through his. "They're not doing anything wrong."
"He's touching her!" he hissed.
She rolled her eyes, "On the shoulder. Above clothes. In public, with three of her parents and her brother here. Stop being dramatic!"
"You're supposed to be on my side!" he pouted.
With exaggerated patience, Amelia replied, "I am on your side. We both know that if you upset her to the point of her being angry with you, you'll be bloody miserable."
Severus sighed, "I still don't like it."
"Noted. Shall we go before Thoros actually passes out?"
Severus snorted, Lucius had taken the lead with a terrified looking Thoros beside him, blithely telling him that if they had time they could visit the muggle Queen in her palace. It was ticketed, he said, but as expensive as meeting the Queen would surely be, he was sure they could afford it. Hermione was laughing so hard she was crying into Theo's neck. They had had to stop because she couldn't move,Theos arms circling her as if he was keeping her upright, a baffled look on his face. Draco looked equally bewildered, hissing "I don't understand what's funny!" at Harry who was then helpless.
"Can we not buy a ticket to see the Queen?" Theo ventured once Hermione had been persuaded to calm down and walk again before they lost Thoros and Lucius.
Biting her lip, Hermione forcibly swallowed down her laughter. "Ah no. The Queen is not a ticketed attraction. Sorry to disappoint. You can visit Buckingham Palace, where she lives most of the time but you don't actually get to meet her."
"So she just lets people wander around her house?" he asked bemused.
"I….I mean, sort of, I suppose." Hermione shrugged helplessly. "For most people it's not exactly a standard sized house." she finished wryly.
Hearing her, Harry snorted, "Remember who you're speaking to, Sister."
"Ugh, I know." she groaned, laughing.
"What? I don't understand?"
"Gods Draco. Her house is about the size of yours which is far, far bigger than any normal muggle would ever set foot in."
"Oh. So it's just a house then?"
"No! It's a bloody palace! Literally! With art and history and artefacts."
"Sounds like the Manor." he replied with a shrug.
"I know." Hermione groaned, utterly defeated.
Beside him, Amelia was shaking with silent laughter. "Gods today is going to be absolutely ridiculous isn't it?"
Hearing Lucius argue with Richard about being able to meet the Queen, Severus looked at her with helpless amusement and nodded. "Unfortunately, I think it probably is."
Jean intervened before Richard and Lucius' arguments could come to blows, deciding it was probably best to separate them. She tasked the children with keeping an eye on a pouting Lucius while she and Richard attempted to explain things to Thoros as they went. Severus and Amelia hung back, watching the group with amusement. More than once Severus wondered how the fuck he had ended up here with these people. He blamed Hermione. It was her fault his life was now this circus. Although to be fair, her life was now this circus too. That thought gave him some comfort.
"Shall we go for coffee?" Jean asked, eventually looking frazzled. "Before I strangle that ignorant man." she muttered low enough that Thoros couldn't hear her.
Severus snorted but nodded. "Lead the way. What's he doing?"
"He asked when muggles stopped living with their animals and then asked what wizard ran the city because there was no way muggles could manage to build things like this, I tuned him out after that, I can only imagine his questions got worse."
Severus winced. "Ah." he replied feeling slightly guilty for leaving Jean and Richard to deal with Thoros. "We'll take over for the next bit."
Jeans shoulders dropped in relief. "Thank God, I was very close to just hitting him to shut him up."
"On second thoughts, do carry on." Severus grinned, dodging as she whacked his arm. Violent woman. Another bloody trait she'd passed on to their daughter. Clearly her mother was a worse influence than anyone realised.
They settled in a cosy little cafe, the children splitting off onto a separate table in the hopes of pretending they were not surrounded by their parents. Severus attempted to murder Theo with his eyes when he pulled a giggling Hermione down onto his knee while Harry scrounged up another couple of chairs.
"Again, they are surrounded by parents, they're doing nothing wrong." Amelia murmured, holding tightly onto his arm.
"She is on his lap." he growled.
"Clothed and in public, surrounded by parents." Fuck that exaggeratedly patient tone was back. Couldn't she see that the boy had his fucking hands on his daughter?
"We'll see how serene you are when it's Susan and Longbottom." he shot back.
She glared, muttering "Arse." before going to sit with Jean.
"What are we doing about that then?" Richard inclined his head, his eyes narrowing as he contemplated his daughter.
"Apparently nothing." Severus groused, "Apparently, it's perfectly acceptable behaviour."
"Is it hell." Richard muttered.
"My thoughts exactly."
"Cant you….I don't know. Hex him, just a little? Nothing permanent?"
Someone laughed behind them, making them jump. "Or, you could stop being neanderthals and sit down? Look, she's in her own seat now and you can't hex someone in public. I refuse to be interviewed by the obliviators because neither of you can accept that your daughter is growing up."
Severus shivered slightly at the tone of Narcissa's voice.
"You wont like it when it's Draco." he all but whined.
Narcissa pinned him with an unimpressed look, which quite frankly, he was getting used to. The glint of amusement in her eyes terrified him though. "I'm rather fond of Harry." she said with a slight smile. "Now, do sit down."
Severus gaped, "Of fucking course, your Highness." he muttered, yelping when her silent stinging hex hit his arse. "You said we couldn't hex someone in public!" he growled.
Narcissa smiled serenely, although her voice was hard "Sit down, Severus. Now."
Muttering to themselves, both he and Richard complied.
"Where are the waiters?" Thoros asked, looking around the cafe once they were all seated.
"I imagine one will come shortly." Jean soothed, shooting Severus a look.
"Wonderful," Thoros beamed, "I do hope their wine list is acceptable."
The entire table stilled, "I think you might have misunderstood the nature of this establishment." Amelia ventured.
"Pardon?"
"It's a cafe, Thoros." Severus sighed impatiently. "Tea, coffee, cake. For the love of Merlin you've been inside a bloody cafe before!"
"Not since Victoria Travers forced me into that ridiculously frilly one in Hogsmeade" he pouted, "I was still at school! Are you telling me there is no wine?"
"It's not even lunchtime, Thoros! And yes, that is exactly what I'm telling you."
"Then why are we here?" he paused, spotting the giant slices of cake heading for the children's table, "On second thoughts, I'll have whatever that chocolate one is!"
"For Gods sake." Jean muttered, "Who let the children choose their own cake! The amount of sugar in those slices…" she trailed off incredulously when Richard turned to the waitress and asked for the double chocolate cake for himself.
With Jean muttering darkly under her breath and everyone else suspiciously bouncy, they left the cafe an hour later and headed for a park in the hopes of burning off some sugar.
"We should have brought a football," Harry muttered when Jean voiced the intention to make them walk until they were less irritating. Severus smirked, glancing around him quickly before he muttered something and one appeared in his hand.
Harry's eyes lit up, "Yes! Thanks, Severus!'' Taking the ball he began splitting them into teams, badgering Richard to play as they had an odd number before attempting to explain the rules to Susan and Theo. In the end, he decided Susan and Theo could be goalies before pulling Hermione to him to discuss strategy.
"I still don't understand why you wanted me." she huffed, clearly not sure about kicking balls at a still confused Theo who Harry had been adamant had to be on the other team.
"Because I've seen you run, Big Sister." he grinned and as much as your dad understands the rules, when was the last time anyone forced him to run laps during the holidays?"
Hermione laughed, "Fair point…..Little Brother."
Harry beamed back at her. From the bushes, a large black dog cocked its head in confusion. He knew it was definitely his pup, but his pup didn't have a big sister. He'd have noticed that. What was going on? And why was Harry Potter surrounded by Death Eaters looking for all the world like they were family?
Harry, Hermione and Susan won the game which resulted in a pouting Draco. Severus spent several futile minutes attempting to explain what the children were doing to Thoros before giving up when he asked for the third time where the rest of the balls were. He proceeded to ignore him in favour of explaining how the electives worked and what they were for third years to Jean who had mentioned that Hermione had been remarkably silent on the subject. Severus belatedly realised that he still hadn't actually discussed what classes she'd chosen and made a mental note to do so once they were home.
"Come on, you lot!" Jean shouted, "The cinema's still a walk away and you don't want to miss it!"
The children were immediately at her side, breathless and pink cheeked, it struck Severus again how rare it was to see them this carefree. The summer had been good for them all, it would seem, although part of him was worried about the dynamics once they were back at Hogwarts, especially given that Weasley had been absent for the entire summer. Amelia tugged at his arm. "Earth to Severus!" she laughed, "You were a million miles away!"
He huffed out a laugh, following everyone else in the direction of the cinema, "I was just wondering what will happen once they're back at school." he murmured, "I hope they don't lose this."
"They won't." Amelia replied firmly, "I'm not saying things wont change a bit, but look at them.'' She nodded her head to where Hermione and Draco were laughing as they argued about something he couldn't hear before nudging at each other, clearly attempting to get the other to fall. Susan was egging them on, holding on to Harry's arm as they both laughed, Theo was trying to hide his smile with his hands up in supplication as both Hermione and Draco attempted to convince him they were right.
Severus hummed, "And when Weasley returns from his jaunt to Egypt?"
Amelia looked thoughtful. "He'll either fit in fine or be forced to make some decisions, I imagine." she said finally. "You said he told Hermione he'd try to get on with Draco for her sake, didn't you?"
"I had forgotten that." Severus replied truthfully. "Let us hope he meant it."
Both Thoros and Lucius were oddly subdued when they left the cinema and headed to pick up pizza to take home with them at the children's request. Severus shared a look with Richard, both of them shrugging slightly, clearly indicating neither of them had any idea what was going on. Deciding that it wasn't fair to subject any more muggles to Thoros today, Richard and Severus separated from the group, sending everyone else home while they picked up dinner.
"What do you reckon is wrong with them?" Richard asked once they were alone.
"Honestly, I have no idea."
"You don't think….you did warn them the film was fiction didn't you?"
Severus' eyes went wide as he stopped walking completely, causing the people behind them to curse as they manoeuvred around him. Very slowly his eyes met Richard's worried ones and he started to laugh, reaching for Richard's arm to steady himself as he gave in to the hysteria that overtook him.
"No!" he howled. "Oh sweet Salazar! No I did not." Ignoring Richard's concerned look at his outburst, Severus eventually straightened. "I apologise. I….I must admit the thought of Lucius and Thoros believing muggles have a small crew of crime fighting humanoid turtles is fucking hilarioius…..and Richard?" At his questioning look Severus continued, "We're about to feed them pizza!"
Richard spluttered for a moment before he laughed. "That's not going to end well is it?"
Snorting, Severus shook his head, beginning to move again. "I cannot wait."
They arrived back at Prince Hall with Severus practically vibrating with excitement. "Pizza!" he shouted, depositing it on the coffee table. Lucius and Thoros' eyes went impossibly wide when they realised what they were eating.
"Are you really expecting us to eat with our hands like heathens, Severus?" Lucius asked, his bluster ruined by the way his eyes kept darting around the room as if expecting something to jump out at him.
"It's really good, Father." Draco mumbled around the slice of pizza he was already chewing, earning a slap to the back of his head from his mother.
"Manners, Draco!" Narcissa barked, summoning a plate and cutlery for her own slice. "Although really, Lucius, Draco is correct, this is rather good."
"They wont come for it?" he asked finally. Severus had to bite his tongue to prevent the laughter that wanted to erupt.
"Who would come for it?" Amelia asked bewildered.
"The turtles!" Lucius exclaimed like she was an idiot. A silence descended on the room, all of the children stopped chewing to gape at him.
"Ah…Uncle Lucius?" Hermione ventured, "You know they're not real right? I mean, turtles are real obviously but they don't eat pizza and the Teenage mutant ninja turtles are just pretend."
"They are?" he asked
"Um, yes. Muggles have done wonderful things with science but they haven't yet managed to turn turtles into pizza eating ninjas. Promise."
"Oh. Then why make a film about it?" he asked indignantly, Thoros nodding along with him. "Surely people will see it and think it's real?"
"Um." Hermione shot a helpless look at Harry who very clearly indicated she was on her own. Sighing she continued, "Not really. They were a comic first- a sort of news paper but with drawn pictures and that was the third film. There's childrens toys and they're quite well known the the muggle world to be honest. It's just meant to be….entertainment?"
"So all of these…films?" Hermione nodded, "They're like that?"
"So…no. Not all of them. There's lots of different types, action ones where there's usually fighting, superhero ones which are generally based on different comics where one person usually saves the world and has special powers, ah there's romance ones, funny ones, children's ones which can be drawn moving pictures, horror ones which are scary…..Some of them are based on real stories and people, some of them are completely made up."
Thoros was gaping at her. "How many of these things are there?"
Hermione laughed, "Hundreds of thousands? Millions? I don't actually know. Lots?"
"Oh. How do they get the people into the screen?"
"They dont. It's um…. They take a recording on a camera and, I think it's stored on a reel that they then use with a projector…um Dad? Help?"
Richard laughed, "You've pretty much got it. I can get you some books," he offered a still bemused looking Thoros.
"So the little people aren't in the screens?" Thoros asked.
"No. No people in screens."
"Oh. Are you sure?" He asked, wrinkling his nose.
"Definitely sure."
"How do they find the people?"
"Pardon?"
"The little people, how do they choose the right ones?" Thoros reiterated like she was stupid.
"I….they're actors. People whose job it is to play lots of different people."
"You mean those weren't even their real names?" Thoros asked, outraged.
"No." Hermione replied, stifling a giggle. "Not their real names. Just people pretending."
"And muggles do this as a job?" Throros asked.
"Yes. Some of them are really famous."
"Oh, so people actually pay them?"
"Some of them get paid quite a bit."
"Oh. There's definitely no turtles coming for the pizza?"
Harry choked on his slice in his attempt not to laugh. "Definitely no turtles," Hermione agreed, leaning into Theo, attempting to hide her smile in his neck.
"Well now we've gotten that cleared up, will you be wanting cutlery?" Amelia asked, clearly amused.
Thoros looked momentarily offended, "Of course, Madam. One should not eat with ones hands like heathens!"
All of the children laughed, simultaneously reaching for another slice. Sighing, Thoros rolled his eyes as he accepted a knife and fork from Max. "You're teaching them terrible things, Severus." he sighed.
Severus laughed, his own slice hovering in front of his face. "I think they'll live," he replied dryly.
"Right, you have your trunks? And your animals? And your coin pouches? And you know where your uniforms are to change into?"
Hermione and Harry laughed, "Father stop fussing." Hermione murmured, wrapping her arms around him. "It's one night we'll be fine. We have everything."
Severus sighed, hugging her tight. He fucking hated this. He wanted to see his children onto the train like every other parent but teachers had to be back at the castle tonight and despite offering to take them with him, they'd both declined after Weasley's owl had arrived asking them to meet him. The Drs Granger had had to work, so in the end he had been forced to comply.
"Severus!" Molly Weasley's voice was carrying, making Severus wince at the tone."Harry! And you must be Hermione dear?"
"Hello Mrs Weasley." Harry replied with a smile that widened when he spotted Ron.
"Alright mate! Hermione!" The boy looked like a walking freckle, Severus thought idly, it was almost a tan. He snapped out of it seconds later when Hermione was engulfed by two masses of red.
"Fred, George! Let me go!" Hermione was giggling. He barely repressed a growl.
"You can leave them with me," Molly was assuring him, "Arthur is just arranging rooms for the night."
"I….right. Well." He must have looked as lost as he felt because Hermione flung herself at him again, hugging him tight.
"One night, Father." She reminded him, "No need to be dramatic."
He thought that the Weasleys were gaping at them, when Harry moved to hug him too, he was certain of it.
"Stay out of trouble." he warned. "No, don't look at each other like that! I mean it! Listen to Mrs Weasley, do not miss the train." he pinned Harry with a look that made the boy smile sheepishly, " And I shall see you at school."
They both smiled at him, Hermione giving him one last hug before he forced himself to head for the floo. It was going to be one long fucking night. Vaguely he wondered how annoyed Albus would be if he turned up to the staff meeting pissed. It might make the whole thing more bearable, he mused, resolving to at the very least fill a hip flask to take. Tomorrow couldn't come quickly enough.