Hi everyone. I don't usually put notes on these things anymore but I just wanted to let you all know I am still actively working on this story. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of the same opportunities to write as I did in the last two years. Other things come up that eat away at my free time with more pressing and tangible deadlines. For example we have a convention we're headed to in late spring and I'm making all of our costumes from scratch. Some of that is just out of a combination of necessity and quality/cost control. Tallman is as his name implies much larger than the average guy, so our choices are to shell out a lot of cash for a custom sized Overhaul mask or for me to schlepp my way through altering a plague doctor mask pattern, for example. Once it's done I'll probably put pictures up on my deviantart. That being said, posts will keep coming just much more slowly than I know you guys are used to but they are on the way. Can't wait to hear what you think. XO Poncho

Kakashi shook his head. "You know how it is, Shikamaru. There are good days and there are bad days."

"I don't know, Kakashi. That's…pretty passive-aggressive," Shikamaru gestured at the Hokage's lunchbox.

Shortly before dawn, when Kakashi was getting ready for work, he and Yuki had gotten into a fight. Or rather, Yuki had turned something simple into a fight like she had with almost everything for the last couple of weeks. Kakashi didn't know for sure but his best guess was that the combined stress of planning the wedding and watching her behavior were getting the better of Yuki. She fluctuated between making snide remarks and sobbing about how beautiful it was that the bird in the tree outside had a family.

That morning's menu included Yuki following him into the shower and asking him whether he thought eggshell or ecru napkins would be better for the reception. Kakashi, thinking it was a wise response, told Yuki to do whatever she thought was best. Afterall, if he were planning a wedding, the reception would be held at their house with only a few close friends, a cake, hot bentos from their favorite diner, and a case of good beer. Kakashi quickly realized he should have just parroted one of the choices back at her. The moment he had finished speaking he saw her balloon up through the glass shower door. The temperature dropped several degrees and the hot water from the shower began to steam the air dramatically. Kakashi retreated into the stream and jacked up the heat while Yuki reamed him about how unhelpful and disinterested he was about their wedding. Through chattering teeth, he had calmly brought up the point that weddings were usually not an area of a man's expertise. Yuki consistently had excellent taste. He trusted her completely with even the smallest of details, even napkin colors.

Instead of her usual response, which would have included grumbling, pouting, and possibly climbing into the shower to cuddle, Yuki went dead quiet. The rage left her face, the bathroom returned to a normal temperature, and she calmly reported she was going to go downstairs and start a pot of coffee. From there the morning seemed to go normally. Yuki even kissed him goodbye when he left. In fact, Kakashi had shrugged it off so thoroughly he didn't remember the argument until lunchtime. He took out the sandwich Yuki had fixed him and absentmindedly took a bite as he reviewed a proposal. Teeth met resistance with a plastic squeal. Shikamaru had raised his head to ask Kakashi a question right as the Hokage opened his mouth, sandwich bits dropping into his lunchbox, the corner of the wrapped piece of cheese pointing at Kakashi like an accusation. When Kakashi lifted the piece of bread, he recognized the handwriting in marker on the wrapper as Yuki's. Sorry, not sorry was scrawled next to a frowny face.

Shikamaru kept throwing suspicious glances his boss' way, searching for some telltale sign that the man did in fact lack the patience of a saint. Shikamaru was sorely disappointed. The Sixth Hokage was, as ever, unshakable.

A couple of uneventful hours later a young woman wandered into the office. She was bundled up against the cold, only the top of her face was visible over her scarf. The exposed skin was a rosy pink from the wind and her blonde hair was secured by a set of earmuffs shaped like fox faces. The young woman's upper body's shape was concealed by a thick puffy coat but her legging and boot clad legs indicated a fit and mature body. She looked around sheepishly, her expression the suspicious doubt of someone that had accidentally cut the queue. "Are you guys open?"

"Yes," Shikamaru sighed. "But barely. Our inhospitable conditions are chasing everybody off."

"You can go take a seat by the fire if you would like," Kakashi chimed in. "I know it's not much better than outside but it's the best we can offer you."

"I'm okay, thanks," She adjusted the straps of her tiny toadstool shaped backpack.

"What can we help you with?" Shikamaru asked as he opened up the log book. They were in the process of migrating over to a digital system but it had proven somewhat buggy. For now, Shikamaru preferred taking physical notes to input later. The first week they tried to go paperless, they had double booked a few squads on accident. It had taken fifteen minutes and a flying elbow from Neji to convince Rock Lee that he could not in fact be in two places at once, no matter how fast he ran. Shikamaru had no intention of letting that happen again.

"So I've like, never hired ninja before," The girl tossed her hair over her shoulder. "I don't know how this works."

"Give us a brief description of what kind of work you need done. We'll set you up with an appropriate squad for the job," Kakashi explained.

"Okay, um…" The girl rocked back and forth on her heels. "I guess it would be like…tracking? Could you guys help me find someone?"

"Sure," Shikamaru scanned the page for available squads. "Are you looking for a missing person, an item, an animal…?"

"See that's the thing." The girl took a deep breath and put her hand on her stomach. "I'm looking for the father of my baby."

"Okay, so a missing person." Shikamaru clicked his pen open.

The young woman began unwinding her scarf and then stuffed it in her pocket. "Not really. I need help figuring out who it is."

A moment of silence fell across the room. Kakashi and Shikamaru shared a quick glance before diving back in with every ounce of professionalism they could muster. Shikamaru cleared his throat. "Do you have a list of possible candidates?"

The girl bit her lip. "No, but I can describe him to you."

"Okay," Shikamaru took out a separate notepad. "Go ahead."

"He was about…this tall," The woman held her hand slightly above her head. "Average but really muscular build. I think he was a Konoha shinobi based on how he was dressed."

"That limits the field," Shikamaru did his best to keep the sarcasm out of his voice. They had lost a lot of soldiers in the Fourth Shinobi World War, but the number of adult male Konoha shinobi running around was still in the thousands.

If the girl noticed his tone she made no show of it. "He was older than me, too. Not too old though. Maybe in his late thirties or early forties?"

Again that narrowed down the roster but it still wasn't much to go on. Shikamaru gave only the tiniest sigh of exertion as he continued: "Anything distinctive about him? Do you remember hair color, eye color, moles, tattoos, that sort of thing?"

"I uh, might have been a little drunk when I met him," The girl gave an embarrassed smile and covered it with her hand. "Well, maybe a lot drunk. I did meet him somewhere weird, though. I ran into him in a graveyard at night." She peeled off her gloves and stuffed them in her other pocket. It was still bone chillingly cold in the office so Shikamaru chalked it up to nerves. He couldn't imagine how awkward it would be for a girl to come to two strangers to send them on a dog hunt for her baby daddy. All Shikamaru could pray at this point was that it wasn't a married man and they wouldn't have to get involved in wrecking a home.

"I think he had pets," The girl offered. "There was like, dog or cat hair on his pants. I don't have any pets and it was all over my furniture."

"Are you sure you don't have any more details about his physical description?" Shikamaru asked.

The girl played with the zipper of her jacket. "Well…um…Wait. He had dark eyes. Brown or black, I think. And…his hair was light. Not super long or super short…He had one of those swirly black tattoos on his arm…"

Either active or ex-ANBU, Shikamaru scribbled in his notes. That cut the field drastically.

The girl unzipped her jacket and heaved a small sigh of relief. "Oh!" She snapped her fingers. "He had a mole. Right here," The girl tapped her finger just under her lip on the right side of her face.

Shikamaru began to write down the newly recalled details as he mentally ran through anyone he could think of that was similar to the description. Names flowed onto the paper and he silently cursed. This was going to get ugly. He suddenly became aware that the room had fallen into a tense silence. Shikamaru glanced up from his desk to see the Hokage on his feet, staring the woman down. She didn't look an ounce intimidated. She rocked on her heels, smiling at the Sixth knowingly. Kakashi's hands were pressed on his desk so hard the veins in his arms were popping out. The visible part of his face was twisted in horror and disbelief. "No," Kakashi uttered so softly it was barely audible. "This can't be happening."

"Surprise," She purred, her voice dripping with malicious self-satisfaction. "Hokage-sama."

Dumbfounded, with the pen still hovering in the air, realization hit Shikamaru like Lee after a couple of drinks. This melodrama was unfolding before him like a prime time soap opera but Shikamaru was staring right through it. He didn't see the Sixth Hokage visibly shaken and this blonde little tartlet as she held her belly triumphantly. No. Shikamaru saw blood starkly contrasting against the crispest white snow. Bodies stumbled through the cold only to collapse, their skin deathly pale and their vivid purple lips pursed in unanswered pleas for mercy. Bodies pinned high on walls with icicles as large as a man. His mind was already forming a counter-attack squad, the linchpin of which would have dubious loyalty. When Yuki ran off the tracks because of this, would Haruka reign her mother in or support her cataclysmic display of elemental terror?

A sharp pop drew his attention back to reality in time for him to catch the girl yell "Coward!"

She barreled past Kakashi's desk, pressing her hands and nose up against the cold glass. "That bastard. He's making a run for it!"

Shikamaru had cautiously stepped out from behind his desk. As he made his approach, the girl violently ripped off her earmuffs and coat, casting them disdainfully on the couch. "Finally," She panted. "I was roasting alive in there."

The office was slightly warmer than a refrigerator and her skin was pink and sweaty from what looked like overheating. Shikamaru's clenched chest released with a sigh. Fear was quickly chased away by anger as the girl's hair seemed to bleed into shadow, morphing to match the perfect blackness beyond. "Oh, don't get your panties in a wad," Yuki scoffed at him as she smoothed back her hair. "I'll go drag him back."

"That wasn't funny!" Was all he could manage to yell before Yuki was out the door with a wink.

Yuki barreled down the steps, nearly knocking over the guard outside with her forceful exit. Her behavior only earned her a set of rolling eyes as she took off down the street. It was crisp as a fresh head of lettuce outside, the cold air kissing her skin as she flew. Kakashi was faster than her, but not by much, and with his present mental state he was unlikely to be moving at full speed. The news had disoriented him enough that if Yuki was smart she could head him off at the pass. Where would he go at a time like this? Where was somewhere so private and secret he could steady his nerves and wait her out?

Yuki turned a corner and collided with none other than her query. "Kakashi?"

"Why are you running?!" Kakashi had clamped his hands around her biceps. His face was a twisted concoction of abject terror, concern, and the confusion of a two-year-old trying to push a pull door.

Yuki cocked an eyebrow. "You ran away from me so I was chasing you."

"YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO RUN IN YOUR CONDITION!" Kakashi screamed. Although Yuki had heard him raise his voice only once before, she didn't even bat an eye. Yuki knew it was only natural for a person to try to out-intimidate something they were afraid of.

"Please," Yuki scoffed. "If this upsets you, do not ask me about the last few missions I squeezed in before they benched me when I was pregnant with Beki."

"Where's your coat?" Kakashi began fumbling with his chest only to realize that he, too, had beaten such a hasty retreat he had forgotten his own.

"Let's get you inside before you catch pneumonia," Yuki grabbed his forearm and gently began to tug him in the direction of his office.

"You were kidding, right? This is all a big joke," Kakashi broke out in nervous laughter. It raised steadily in pitch, hitting a hysterical note before it ceased abruptly. "Yuki?"

"The setup was a joke but I wasn't kidding," Yuki kept her eyes ahead as she spoke. "We're about six or seven weeks in."

The slight dragging resistance Kakashi had presented up until this point went away. He plodded along compliantly with his brows furrowed so close together they practically touched. Yuki had seen prisoners of war that looked less tortured than him. They mounted the stairs in a funeral march to find Shikamaru waiting anxiously by the door. "Lord Sixth?"

Kakashi only whimpered. Yuki helped him into his chair and the man sunk into it as lifelessly as a cadaver.

"Now that you're done breaking the kage," Shikamaru leered. "Is there anything else we can help you with?"

Yuki rolled her eyes. "You guys are such grouches. A baby is something to celebrate!"

"Yuki…I don't want to be a father," Kakashi stared into the fire, his voice a ghost of its usual self.

"And I don't want to get married again," Yuki folded her arms. "In relationships, we make compromises. That's how it works, babe."

"No, Yuki," Kakashi leaned forward, supporting himself by pressing his forearms against the desk. "I can't. I can't do this."

Yuki rolled her eyes. "You've literally killed your friends. The risen dead and a fallen God weren't enough to scare you, but the thought of having someone living related to you is too much?"

His silent agreement was her only answer.

"Sooo..." Yuki folded her arms with her lips twisted in disappointment. "Just like that, you're gonna back out of it all? Go back to your daily routine, doing the whole Hokage thing while pretending that you don't have a child? And I'm supposed to...what?" Yuki held her arms out in front of her. "Set out on my own with a baby on the way? I don't know if you remember but we burned all my old bridges. I don't even have a deity to turn to anymore. You're all I have now and there's no way in hell I'm capable of raising a baby to be a decent person by myself. Do you want it to turn out just like me? I used to juggle frozen heads, Kakashi! I'm not excited either, but dammit, you and me are going to make this work!"

"But Yuki, I-" Kakashi began. Before he could finish, Yuki slammed her hands down on his desk and pulled in close enough that their noses touched.

"You sure as hell didn't complain when we were making this baby, so you'd better keep your mouth shut about it now!"

An awkward silence descended between the three for different reasons. Shikamaru was currently experiencing a level of revulsion he didn't think possible, and he had previously seen Chouji eat a cooked pig end to end without stopping. Kakashi, meanwhile, was drowning in the instant and horrific acceptance that this was really happening. There was a life forming in her stomach and it was his. As for Yuki, the silence was merely for dramatic effect.

"Sir, for her protection," And ours, Shikamaru thought. "Can we implement that idea I talked to you about?"

"No," Kakashi's face was drained of all color and his voice dripped with exhaustion. He buried his face in his hands, muffling his already hard to distinguish words. "We are not sticking her in a saltwater tank in the middle of the Sand."

"What's the tank made out of?" Yuki asked, not skipping a beat.

"I'm not telling you what materials I would use," Shikamaru scoffed. "Just be aware it involves a constant defrosting mechanism."

Yuki hissed. "You clever little bastard!" She reached over and made a big show of wiping her sweaty hand on his shirt.

Shikamaru swatted her arm away, earning a conflicted wince from his boss. "What the hell was that?"

"A curse," Yuki stuck out her tongue. "From now on, all your bacon will burn. Your show will always come back on while you're still in the bathroom and your drinking straws will be cracked."

He wrinkled his nose. "Is that supposed to scare me?"

"Oh, I just hadn't gotten to the night terrors and unseen eyes always on your back yet," Yuki shrugged. "Smart guys always like to cut people off while they're talking."

"Can we just stop this?" Kakashi rose with an exasperated sigh. "Look, Shikamaru, I'm not going to get any work done today and neither are you at this rate. I'm just going to take her home. Go spend some time with your family."

Shikamaru sighed, throwing up his hands in resignation. "Alright, sir. I'll take care of a couple of things first and I'll close up shop."

"Thank you," Kakashi sighed, pulling on his coat as if it were made of lead. "Let's go Yuki."

After the Hokage and his fiance's footfalls had faded from the soundscape, Shikamaru opened a file cabinet and began pulling out dossiers. One by one he examined them until at last he had found the right man for the job. He killed the fire, closed the blinds, and straightened the chairs before leaving. The note on his desk would remind him to assign the ANBU protective detail for Yuki in the morning.

…

The Sixth Hokage walked down the street with an expression so dark it acted as a black hole, drawing in the gaze of all they passed. If he were anybody else, people probably would have shrugged it off as someone who had just found out their wife left them or their favorite character didn't survive the previous night's episode. But this was the Hokage. Whispers of distress and concern followed him like a buzzing cloud of insects, amplifying his migraine. He was already feeling numb; the added white noise deadening him further to the world around him.

"I wonder if it's going to be another girl," Yuki frowned pensively. "We've only had girls the last few generations. I don't know if that means it's high time for a combo breaker or if we're going to have another Maiden on our hands."

"Ahuh." Kakashi grunted.

"Speaking of which, if it is a girl, I wonder if it'll be like me. If it's anything like Beki, it'll take a little of you and mix it with me and we'll have a little Storm Maiden." Yuki's eyes glazed over as she daydreamed, snapping out of it suddenly with a shudder. "I wonder if the infrastructure could take it…"

Kakashi's gaze wandered to his fiance's face. Yuki was absolutely radiant. Normally, he would say she could possibly be the most beautiful woman in the village. She had a flawless body attached to a stunning face with striking features. Not to mention, Yuki dripped confidence with every luscious, hip swaying step. But this was different. Yuki's beauty always made her seem cold and impersonal. She was ethereal, like watching a predator in the wild. Unobtainable and unapproachable. The way she was grinning right now was enticingly shy. He could see it in the soft curl of her lips and the way her eyes seemed to be smiling with her. It was as inviting as a hot meal on a cold day. It softened Yuki, made her seem human. To Kakashi, right now Yuki looked an awful lot like home.

His worries and fears battled with the infectious quality of her joy. Kakashi had never felt more afraid since Yuki came into his life. He walked around knowing that for the first time in a decade, Kakashi had something he could lose. With this announcement the deck stacked further against him. It wasn't just a wife he could have torn from him, there would be a child as well. Death could claim them both. Worse than losing them, Kakashi had the added risk of failing them miserably. The thought was almost paralyzing; it dragged his feet as he walked and bore down on his shoulders like the yoke of a plow. As much as he wanted to push her away for this, for making him vulnerable and afraid, Yuki didn't get pregnant on her own. Kakashi played his part in that. From what he could see, the idea of being a mother again made Yuki happier than Kakashi had ever seen her. As terrifying as it was, maybe it was the right thing to do. Not for him, but for her.

"So I haven't told anyone else," Yuki confessed, her eyes watching his face cautiously. "I wanted to talk to you about it first."

"Not even your daughter?" Kakashi asked, realization crossing his face with a dark chuckle. "I bet she won't be pleased to find out she's going to have a sibling younger than her son."

Yuki gave a dismissive wave. "Haruka is a big girl, she can deal with it. And no. I haven't told her yet."

As briefly as the dark cloud had begun to abate, when Kakashi looked at her glowing face again the darkness rushed back in. It dawned on him that Yuki was in immediate danger; perhaps the most at risk she had ever been. This world they were living in now, the quasi-peace they had formed, was more treacherous than being at war. In war enemies were obvious. Common goals and interests kept allies in check and the constant threat of attack kept everyone on alert. Guards were ever vigilant and suspicious figures were ousted by the public before they ever had a chance to do harm. But now there was a free flow of bodies between the villages. The recent camaraderie between former rivals had soothed old sore feelings; eyes were glossing over in a time of plenty. It would be easy, no, a golden opportunity to go after Kakashi through Yuki. Normally, her skills were sufficient that he had nothing to worry about. But could she move fast enough with a baby inside her? Would it get any better once their child was born and Yuki had to defend herself while strapped to an infant?

"Let's keep it between us," Kakashi gripped her hand a little too hard to be affectionate. "And Shikamaru, I suppose. Just for a little while longer."

Yuki's expression had sobered as if she could read his thoughts. Normally, she would protest and try to counter his argument to get her way. This time, though, Yuki only nodded and pressed in close.

…

The next morning, Yuki awoke to an empty bed. She shrugged it off. If Kakashi had to go into work at an unreasonably early hour, he usually made a point to do so in utter silence. She appreciated the gesture; it took a few moments to shake off the jarring sight of an empty bed but it took hours to recuperate from repeatedly interrupted sleep. As she came to her senses, Yuki noticed another presence in the room. She remained calm. Whatever it was, it was familiar and drew no concern from her subconscious. Her eyes scanned the room until they fell across the worn velvet armchair by the window, where a small beige body waited for her patiently.

"Pakkun, what a pleasant surprise," Yuki smiled as she scooched over to the other side of the bed. "Why are you here so early?" Normally Kakashi didn't leave the hounds with her unless she was in trouble. As far as Yuki could tell, she hadn't caused any problems lately that required supervision.

"Kakashi told us the news," Pakkun explained. "He's asked that unless you're with him, one of us is to be on guard duty at all times."

"Oh, great." Yuki chuckled warmly. "I'm pregnant, not helpless."

Pakkun's expression remained determined. "This isn't something we take lightly, Yuki. This is a job, a contract we're fulfilling with Kakashi. He made it clear that your safety is our top priority. Even if that means his life or ours are sacrificed in the process."

Her good natured smirk faded. "He's pretty worried about this, isn't he?"

"A shinobi always guards their greatest weakness. For Kakashi, that's you now. You and that baby." Pakkun hopped down off the armchair and toddled over to the door. "Come on now, Yuki. You need breakfast."

She sighed and compliantly rose from bed. "So he asked you guys to mother me, too. What's next, you'll rat me out if I sneak any coffee?"

"Don't even bother looking for it," Pakkun chuffed. "He tossed that while you were sleeping. Kakashi wanted me to tell you he'll pick up decaf on the way home."

Yuki groaned as she checked the cabinet and found it to be true. "Did you think I was lying?" Pakkun cocked an ear.

"No. Just hoping you were wrong," Yuki sighed and walked over to the fridge. She wrapped her fingers around the handle and paused, her dander rising. She hovered there, listening as her gaze shot towards the opposite window.

"It's your ANBU detail," Pakkun explained. "Shikamaru assigned it under the pretense they've received concerning intel. 'A possible kidnapping attempt leading up to the wedding', he said."

Yuki's expression soured. "You guys I can accept. But shinobi stalking me day in day out? Absolutely not."

"I doubt you'll be able to talk him out of it." Pakkun stretched languidly. "Something you said yesterday really got that kid in a huff."

"One joke about all the damned Konoha ronin that come back and try to level this place and now I'm public enemy number one," Yuki puffed up her cheeks indignantly. "Well if I can't talk them out of it, I'm going to chase the ANBU off."

"How do you intend to do that?" Pakkun asked as he caught a bit of sausage Yuki tossed his way.

"I have a gift for making people…uncomfortable." Pakkun recognized the predatory flash of her teeth and sighed. He might need to call in backup.

…

"I'm sorry, sir."

Shikamaru threw up his hands. "Sorry? You're sorry you're abandoning your post?!"

"Requesting reassignment, sir." The ANBU agent held up his hands defensively.

"Maybe we need more stringent criteria for admitting people to black ops," Shikamaru said half under his breath. "You're the third one this month. What could this woman possibly be doing to scare off a bunch of battle-hardened pros like you?"

The ANBU agent bristled. "You're right, sir." The salt and pepper haired man was clearly emphasizing the age difference between them. He easily had ten or fifteen years on Shikamaru. "I won't speak for my record. It speaks for itself. I'm sure you've already taken a look at it, seeing as you personally asked me to take up this assignment. And why would I ever think twice about accepting a post protecting the fiancé of the Hokage? That's exactly the sort of job I specialize in. It even felt like an honor at first." His tone shifted as a cloud passed over the sun, casting shadows across the bird mask he wore. The darkness in his voice seemed to echo out of the black eye holes of his mask like sinister music. "That woman is a monster."

Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow, nonplussed. "A monster? You'll have to be more specific."

"She hunted me." The ANBU agent explained. "It was like a game of cat and mouse. I would have eyes on her walking down an empty street when suddenly, she would be gone. I would follow her trail and it would lead down an alley. I would hear her giggle and the sound of a knife parting fabric and the crazy broad would drop an avalanche on my head."

"So she hit tricked you and embarrassed you a little," Shikamaru folded his arms. "So you're quitting?"

"That's only the start of it," The ANBU agent shuddered. "She's frozen my feet in place and locked me inside closed rooms, dropping the temperature until I faint," he fidgeted uncomfortably. "Attempted murder aside, well, then there's her unladylike conduct."

Shikamaru cocked an eyebrow. "What, she made a move on you?"

"She gets undressed right in front of the window!" He hissed. "Do you know what kind of dilemma that creates? I either compromise my ethics by taking my eyes off the target or I'm forced to ogle my boss's woman!" He stuck a hand under the mask. It wobbled as he wearily rubbed his eyes. "Just….tell me what I did wrong. I'll take a paycut. Formal citation on my record. Whatever it was, I'm incredibly sorry and I'll never do it again."

"This was not a form of punishment. I swear." Shikamaru sighed.

"Really? Because I've been held captive by the enemy before." The agent's voice trembled as he spoke. "I've never felt so tormented, sir. She even…" His voice dropped into a whisper. His shoulders drooped with shame as he forced out the next sentence: "She broke into my house. I woke up and she was hovering over me. It took me a full minute to realize I wasn't having a nightmare, that it was her. Except she looked like a frozen corpse. I think she drugged me because I couldn't move, and I just-"

Shikamaru raised a hand. "That's enough. It's…it's disappointing but I understand. I'll reassign you immediately."

"Thank you, sir." The agent heaved a sigh of relief. "I can't thank you enough."

…

Several days later, Kakashi walked into his office after taking a quick stroll to stretch his legs. Instead of the usual gaggle of clients or shinobi reporting in from the field, he found a lone female ANBU agent. She was standing in front of Shikamaru's desk, her shoulders rising and falling with each hearty sob.

"I I c-c-an't!"

"It's alright," Shikamaru had respectfully averted his eyes. He was rubbing the back of his neck, his face twisted in thought. "Don't worry about it."

"I just, she just, I've never," She stammered, her voice trembling with each word. "I've seen men act like this. Some men are just pigs, you know. I'm a professional," The woman took a few deep breaths in an attempt to calm herself. "I can just brush that off. The way they look at you. They try to grab you sometimes but I'm usually so much quicker than them...but I...I never expected to be treated like meat by another woman. And she's just so..." The girl shook her head. "She's too fast. I can't stop her. I feel her hands on my body, and I look and they're gone and she's nowhere nearby. I'll be home alone and feel like someone's watching me. I can smell her damn perfume but I look and it's nothing! I've even had some of my laundry go missing and I can't help but wonder-" She let out an agonized groan and put her hands on the sides of her head. "I can't take it anymore!"

"What's going on?" Kakashi asked, tapping his feet louder than normal to alert them both to his presence.

"Hokage sama," The ANBU agent sniffled. "I was here about the guard detail-"

"You don't have to explain any further." Shikamaru cut her off. "I already have a good idea of what happened. Consider yourself removed from duty without consequence. This is proving to be an incredibly difficult situation. More so than I ever could have imagined."

The agent nodded and gave a sigh of relief as she backed out of the office.

Kakashi followed her out with his eyes until the door shut behind her. He opened his mouth to speak but Shikamaru beat him to it.

"I have met some of the most vexing, stubborn, annoying women in the world," He muttered half under his breath as he slammed his fist on the desk. "And she has got to be the most troublesome female anyone has ever had to deal with!"

"Is this about Yuki?" Kakashi asked, not skipping a beat.

Shikamaru gestured at the door. "That was number seven, right there. We went through four male ANBU agents and I thought to myself, maybe if it's a girl Yuki will be more empathetic."

"So you've been through three women ANBU agents, now?" Kakashi asked as he sat down at his desk.

"She broke Tsubaki." Shikamaru frowned. "I even threw Tsubaki at her."

Kakashi blinked in surprise. "What…what all is Yuki doing to them?"

"That stuff you just heard her going on about doesn't even scratch the surface If we were going to press formal charges for what Yuki's done, we would start with stalking," Shikamaru counted off each item on his fingers. "Kidnapping, sexual harassment, assault, destruction of property, indecent exposure, voyeurism, petty theft, breaking and entering, forgery." Now out of fingers, Shikamaru threw up his hands in disgust. "At least three war crimes by my count."

Kakashi chuckled. "War crimes? Like what?"

"Preventing them from getting any sleep, for one," Shikamaru sighed in resignation and shoved his hands in his pockets. "I really need to talk to you about putting something similar to arson on the books for her. Intentional freezing should be a crime."

"I told you Yuki wasn't going to go for this," Kakashi rubbed his eyes. "She doesn't like feeling like she's on a leash."

"Are you having any better luck with the hounds?" Shikamaru asked hopefully.

"Well, yes," It was Kakashi's turn to sigh. "She treats them well. A little too well. I think they've all put on about ten pounds each with all the treats she's slipping them."

The men lapsed into thoughtful silence. After about ten minutes of quiet, Kakashi had gotten himself fairly absorbed into a proposal from the Mist. Shikamaru's voice dragged him back to the present.

"I hate to do this," Shikamaru pulled on his coat. "But I need to get the big guns."

Kakashi cocked an eyebrow. "Aren't I the big guns?"

"Are you kidding?" Shikamaru scoffed. "You're putty in her hands. I need someone that's impervious to her nonsense."

"…Naruto?" Kakashi shrugged. The boy was usually the answer to every major problem, except for how to solve a ramen shortage. "He'd be perfect. After all that time he spent with Jiraiya, there's no way she could really bother him with her sexy antics."

"You may be right on that front, but he's a gullible fool." Shikamaru scoffed. "It's no secret Naruto's whole nice guy routine gets inflated any time there's pregnant women around. Sai was out on a mission while Ino was pregnant and she asked for help at the grocery store. I came by a few hours later and she had him building a damned shed in the backyard. Add someone as conniving and manipulative as Yuki and imagine the kind of damage she could do. He'd be her damn slave in a matter of minutes."

"Then who?" Kakashi asked.

"The only person I know that's more annoying than Naruto," Shikamaru said as he opened the door.

…

Haruka laughed out loud and Shikamaru visibly winced. Her voice was grating against the senses, like a key on metal.

"And you thought that sending in women would stop her?!" Haruka laughed again. "That's like, throwing fat children at the big bad wolf!"

Shikamaru chalked up her pompous attitude to either the typical smugness pregnant women wafted or because Haruka knew she had him in a corner. Shikamaru needed help and Haruka was going to rub it in his face as much as possible. He was used to it. Being the "smart guy", he had put up with that attitude his whole life. People wanted to shame him for having to come down to their level. The lower they were, the more they gloated. As of right now, no one was lower on the totem pole than the former ambassador.

"Uuuuugh," Haruka wiped a tear from her eye. "Sorry. What were you saying?"

"As I said, I have thrown seven capable ANBU agents at her. I have tried a variety of personalities, each with their own distinctive style and approach to guard duty," Shikamaru explained. "But I'm coming up dry. I was hoping that you, with your personal knowledge and experience with that woman-"

"You can call her a monster around me," Haruka folded her arms. "I know you want to."

Shikamaru ignored her. This was either a trap or a petty attempt to bond with him over a common enemy. He had worked with enough ambassadors now that her game was completely obvious.

"Who could withstand her? Is there any person she respects? Someone she might have empathy for?"

Haruka shook her head. "No. My mother can smell weakness a mile away. She goes after it as relentlessly as a shark when there's blood in the water." She paused for a moment, the two squeaky mouse-powered wheels he imagined in her head slowly turning. "Does Temari know you're here?"

"Yes," Shikamaru shoved his hands in his pockets. "What does that have to do with anything?"

Truth be told he had thought about bringing her. No one was more ready to play hardball with Tsukimori than his wife. After careful consideration, however, Shikamaru decided it would end with someone's nose smashed in. He did need results from Haruka, after all, and Temari couldn't guarantee it wouldn't turn into a bloodbath. Years ago, he could have called Ino in to square off with her. In some godawful twist of fate, however, the two most annoying women he knew decided to become friends. Despite their almost lifelong status as teammates, Ino could no longer be trusted not to side with Haruka.

"Nothing," Haruka shrugged. "Just remind me not to let you handle my drink or anything."

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "Look, are you going to help me or aren't you?"

"I have an idea but I don't think you're going to like it." Haruka explained. "There's someone I can think of that would be perfect for the job."

Shikamaru furrowed his brow. "You aren't going to suggest me, are you?"

Haruka laughed again, that horrible pterodactyl sound. "No. As smart as you are, she will outfox you. That was probably the same mistake all those ANBU agents made: underestimating the breadth of her malicious intelligence and powers of manipulation."

"Then who?" Shikamaru's patience had worn thin and it showed in the edge in his voice.

"You remember Kabuto, right?" Haruka asked.