CHAPTER EIGHTY
For the rest of the summer, even after her dad got back, Jane stayed with Sarah. It's not like her dad would've talked to her anyway. They were always doing something. Their favourite pastime seemed to be taking a bus up to Andover where they would buy cigarettes and meet up with some of Sarah's friends from Test Valley.
First, Jane met Paul, Sarah's boyfriend. He was a handsome bloke, rather tall. However, he didn't talk much. Then again, Sarah spoke enough for the both of them. Then, there was Jenna. She seemed like a good enough person, though she always had this bored expression on her face. Jane never once saw her smile.
Jane met a lot of people that Sarah hung around with, but the one that stuck out the most was Samantha Gilmore. From what Jane had been able to conclude, Sammy (as she like to be called) was Sarah's best friend; they did everything together.
What intrigued Jane most about Sammy was how much she and her looked alike. They shared many qualities, and Sammy's personality reminded Jane a bit of Alice, except Sammy was a little more wild. For all intents and purposes, Sammy seemed to be just a better, Muggle version of Jane.
At first, Jane was jealous of the girl. However, Sammy seemed to be the only one of Sarah's friends that didn't intimidate Jane in any way, and she actually talked to Jane, which had been more than any of Sarah's other friends had done. As Jane spent more time with her, she realised that she was more of a girl version of James or Sirius rather than a better version of herself. Jane grew to like Sammy, and she spent the rest of her summer with her and Sarah, spending her money on Player's No. 6 and Colibri lighters.
Still plagued by her mother's death, Jane had almost completely shut off her feelings. Unfortunately, she had forgotten how to turn them back on. She would still laugh and have a good time with Sarah and Sammy, but it wasn't a feeling of happiness. It was more of a high from being with people that made her forget. People that made her feel alive.
On the twenty-second of August, a Friday, Jane, Sammy, and Sarah were sitting on a small bridge at the Charlton Lakes, puffing away on their cigarettes and talking. Jane was trying to practise blowing smoke rings the way Sammy had taught her. However, she only managed to make them laugh because of the stupid look she had on her face when she tried.
"I quit," Jane said, laughing with them.
"You're not doing it right," Sammy said. "It has to come from the back of your throat. Like this."
Sammy took a long drag on her cigarette and created an "O" shape with her mouth. And one by one, she puffed out perfect little smoke rings. Jane sighed, looked down at her cigarette with a determined expression, and tried again.
Sammy smiled as she watched her own little smoke rings float away and disperse.
"So, whose up for a party tomorrow night?" she said, clapping her hands together after throwing the butt of her cigarette into the lake.
"Whose party?" Sarah asked.
"Does it matter?" Sammy asked.
Sarah gave Sammy a look which indicated that it did in fact matter. Sammy rolled her eyes.
"Jack Bowler."
Sarah let out a groan.
"Jack Bowler? That guy has followed me around for a year!" Sarah whined. "He's creepy, and his house smells like old people!"
Jane laughed.
"Well, come tomorrow night, it'll smell like his parent's vast supply of alcohol," Sammy said.
Sarah shrugged.
"I can avoid him at the party," she said, obviously accepting the invitation.
Sammy looked to Jane expectantly. Jane just shrugged.
"I don't know—"
"Well," Sammy interrupted, "I'll make up your mind for you. You're going."
Jane laughed, noting that Sammy sounded like Sirius when she said this. So, Jane's decision had been made for her. She was going to a party.
"I'm sorry, but no, you can't wear that."
Jane and Sarah had just arrived at Sammy's house, where Sarah had told her mum she'd be staying that night.
Jane looked down at her clothes and frowned.
"Why not?" she asked.
"Look, I have complete respect for the fact that your style is kind of bland, but you're going to a party with actual guys. You need to look a little more—I don't know—sexy? Is that the word I'm looking for? Yes, sexy," Sammy finally concluded.
"But I didn't bring anything else," Jane said.
"Never fear, my unstylish friend, I will fix the problem!" Sammy said, grabbing Jane's arm and pulling her down the hall to her bedroom. "Away to Sammy's closet of hope!"
Jane couldn't help but laugh as Sammy whisked her away to her room.
"I can't believe you let her leave your house like this, Sarah," Sammy teased as she dug through her closet. "Shame on you."
Sarah rolled her eyes, playfully kicking Sammy. Jane watched as Sammy complied an outfit on the bed.
"Mm," Sammy said, "it needs something."
Jane watched in amusement at Sammy's face as she pondered something in her head.
"Oh!" Sammy said suddenly, making Jane jump a bit. "Now, I've only worn this, like, once because I don't really think it looks that great on me, but I think it might really pull this outfit together."
Jane watched as Sammy pulled something from the very back of her closet. Sammy smiled triumphantly.
"A leather jacket?" Jane asked. "I'm sorry, but it's the summer, and didn't that go out of style in the fifties?"
Sammy scoffed.
"Hey, it gets a bit chilly at night, and they happen to be coming back in style. They're all the rage in the States right now."
Jane wondered why she should care about American fashion. They weren't in the States. They were in England. She opened her mouth to point this out, but Sammy shushed her.
"Now, put all of this on!" she demanded happily. "And I'll leave hair and makeup to Sarah."
Jane changed and vaguely thought that she liked her hair and makeup very much the way they were. However, after changing, she allowed Sarah to sit her down at Sammy's dressing table and work on her. When she was done, Jane got up and looked at herself in the full-length mirror that was hanging on the door.
"No," Jane said.
"You look hot!" Sammy argued.
"I look like I belong on the back of some guy's motorbike!" Jane said.
"Right," Sammy responded, not understanding the problem, "sexy."
"You're not gonna let me take it off, are you?" Jane asked.
Sammy grinned.
"Not a chance, love."
Jane stared at herself again. Admittedly, she did feel kind of sexy. And sexy wasn't something she was used to feeling or being. She didn't know if she liked it or not.
At around eleven o'clock at night, after Sammy was sure that her mum and dad were asleep, she opened her window and crawled out of it gracefully, Sarah following suit. Jane was a little less graceful.
The girls walked down the road, the street lamps and the lit end of their cigarettes being their only light. Finally, they came to a stop at the corner of Milton Avenue and Harrow Way. They waited on the sidewalk until a car pulled up.
"Took you long enough," Sammy said, opening the front passenger door. "Move. I always ride shotgun," she said to the boy who'd been sitting there.
He let out a sigh of annoyance, but moved to the backseat anyway. Sarah ushered Jane in, and Jane found herself sitting right next to the boy.
"Jane, these are my cousins. Mike and Justin," Sammy said. "Mike and Justin, Jane."
Mike, who looked about a few years older than them waved from the driver's seat, but didn't look back at her.
"Hey," Justin said, and Jane noted how handsome his features were as light from a lamp post flickered across his face as they drove off.
"Hi," Jane said.
"Are you new here?" Justin asked.
"Oh, no, I live down in Stockbridge," Jane said.
"But you don't go to Test Valley," Justin pointed out.
"No, I go to a boarding school."
"Cool," Justin said, and he looked her up and down. "Nice jacket."
Jane saw Sammy turn slightly in the passenger seat to look back at her with what Jane was sure would've been an "I told you so" look had she been able to see it better.
"Thanks," Jane said, following Sarah's example and pulling out a cigarette.
As she went to light it, the car hit a bump, and the lighter fell out of her hands and onto the floor of the car.
"Shit," Jane mumbled as she tried to feel around for the lighter, but to no avail.
It was too dark to see. She'd just have to wait until they stopped. Jane sighed and leaned back in her seat. There was a click from beside her and light from Justin's own lighter lit up his face. He smiled at her.
"Here," he said.
Jane smiled as she put the cigarette to her mouth, never taking her eyes off his as he lit it for her. She took a long drag and exhaled the smoke.
"Thanks."
"Don't mention it."
When they got to the party, Jane felt very out of place. At least at the Gryffindor parties she knew who everyone was. Unfortunately, there were people there from Stockbridge that remembered who she was.
"Oh. My. God! Jane Hensworth?"
Jane cringed at the overly excited and obnoxiously loud voice. Suddenly, someone was giving her a hug. Jane just tensed up and stood there awkwardly, wishing for this situation to disappear. Finally, the person let her go, and Jane stared at her overly friendly attacker. She frowned.
"It's me! Jessica! Jessica McCune!" the girl said excitedly.
"I know," Jane said, forcing a small smile.
What she didn't know was why Jessica McCune was now acting like they had been such great friends. Hadn't she been one of the main people that had bullied her?
"It's so great to see you again," Jessica said.
Liar, Jane thought.
"We've all missed you so much."
No, you didn't.
"How have you been?"
Great, now that I don't have to be around you all the time.
Jane shook her thoughts away, realising that this called for an answer she could say out loud.
"Um, great," she said, shifting awkwardly where she stood.
"Hey, listen. I heard about your mum; I'm so sorry," Jessica said.
It's funny how people can think they're helping but actually be making things worse.
Jane immediately felt her stomach drop, and she got really quiet as she thought about her mother.
"God, Jessica, could you be anymore stupid?" Sammy said, having overheard the conversation.
"It's all right," Jane lied. "I'm fine. Excuse me"
Jane walked off and found her way into the kitchen and did her best to repress the tears that were forming, once again, burying her feelings further and further inside of her.
Justin followed after her.
"Are you okay?" he asked.
"I'm fine," Jane said.
"What was that about?" he asked.
Jane sighed.
"Um, my mum, she um, passed away two months ago."
Jane couldn't bring herself to say that her mum had killed herself.
"Oh, man, I-I'm sorry," Justin said.
Jane shook her head.
"It's all right. I'm fine, see?"
Jane smiled a little, and Justin smiled back at her.
"That's a terrible fake smile," he said.
"Excuse you, but I work very hard on it," Jane said, happy for the change of topic.
They both laughed.
"Hey, um, would you like a drink?" Justin asked.
Jane smirked, thinking that alcohol was exactly what she needed right now, forgetting the vow she'd made in second year to never drink again.
"I'd like that."
"Sam-my! Sam-my! Sam-my!"
Jane laughed as the crowd around them chanted, and she watched Sammy down another shot. She was sitting beside her on the couch, lounged back into Justin who had his arms around her. She was sufficiently drunk by now.
Suddenly, an older song came on the radio, and everyone started to dance along to the Beatles' cover of Twist and Shout.
"This song never gets old," Jane noted out loud.
"Do you wanna dance?" Justin asked.
Instead of answering "yes" or "no," Jane just jumped to her feet, swayed a little bit, and then lead Justin into the crowd of dancing people.
Jane and Justin laughed as they danced with each other, doing some drunken version of the Twist. Jane happily sung along with John Lennon.
"You know you twist so fine. Come on and twist a little closer, now. And let me know that you're mine," she sang, though it was mostly interrupted by her own laughter.
As soon as the song was over, Jane could feel the effects of the alcohol wearing off. Some very small part of her began to panic. She didn't want to come down yet. She was having too much of a good time. She liked this. She liked the kind of high she got from being reckless. She liked the feeling of being so alive that she forgot that her mum wasn't. And she quickly realised that she didn't need alcohol to feel this way.
Instead of pouring another cup, Jane promptly grabbed Justin and kissed him. He was shocked and unresponsive at first, but he quickly caught on and began to kiss her back. The people around them cat-called and wolf-whistled.
Jane immediately pulled away, trying her best to grin seductively. She grabbed his hand and led him away from the crowd of people until they were in a different room. Jane didn't bother to shut the door, she immediately connected their lips again. It was heavy and hot, and Jane, who was now void of all feeling, was acting purely on hormones, and liking the adrenaline rush it gave her.
In an attempt to feel more alive and more reckless, Jane slipped her fingers under Justin's shirt and ran them over his bare torso. He caught on, and eagerly removed his shirt and continued by pushing Jane's jacket off of her shoulders. She let it fall to the ground.
As Justin began to pull her shirt off, Jane vaguely waited for her to suddenly become all awkward and embarrassed and nervous, but it never came. Not when he threw her shirt across the room. Not when he began to trail kisses down her neck and onto her shoulders. Not when his hands cupped her breasts through her bra.
Suddenly, it hit her that she didn't care. She just really didn't care about anything anymore. And while some tiny part of her that she had suppressed along with all of her feelings was frightened by her new self, she just, well, didn't care.
There's no telling how far she would have let him go if they hadn't been interrupted.
"Guys," Sarah said, after finding them. "It's time to go! Cops are here! Get your shirts."
Jane and Justin quickly grabbed their discarded clothes and hastily put them on as they ran out the back door with Sarah and Sammy. They ran for a long time, giving Jane the best adrenaline rush she'd ever felt, and they laughed the whole time.
Finally, when they were a few blocks away, they all stopped running and tried to catch their breath. Luckily, Sammy had planned for something like this, and she led them all to a spot that she had called "the safe zone." This was apparently the place that Mike was supposed to find them at if they had to make a quick getaway from the party.
And as Mike drove them back to the corner of Milton and Harrow, Jane couldn't stop smiling, still feeling very much alive, despite the inside of her being dead.