CHAPTER EIGHTY-ONE

The rest of August was filled with all kinds of reckless behaviour. Kids from Andover, Stockbridge, and even Romsey filled their calendars with parties before the summer came to an end, trying to make the best of their last days of freedom. And Jane went to almost all of them with Sammy and Sarah.

Jane didn't really speak to Justin again, though she had seen him plenty. She'd sometimes catch him staring at her from across a room as she danced or drank. On the times they rode with Mike and Justin to the parties, Jane would make Sarah sit between them.

It wasn't anything against him personally, it was just that after that night, as Jane lay thinking about him kissing her and touching her, she felt terrible. It had been meaningless to her, but from the way he still stared at her, she realised that maybe it had meant something to him. And while Jane loved the thought of someone liking her, she decided that it was best not to use boys as a source of adrenaline. Just because she had shut off her own feelings, that didn't give her the right to toy with someone else's.

So, Jane stuck to alcohol and cigarettes and parties and sneaking out at night. She stuck to hanging out with Sarah and Sammy and to their middle of the night joyrides in Sammy's dad's car. Even one night she had gotten high with the girls. And she remembered how they had laughed at everything and how the stars seemed to dissolve into the sky and how beautiful it had seemed. She remembered how at peace she had been as they all lay in Sammy's back yard.

During the times in which she did all these things, Jane felt great. She felt as though she were on top of the world. And she would forget. Forget about how she hadn't gone to Diagon Alley with her friends. Forget about how she had ignored their letters all summer. Forget about how she had watched her mum die. She'd forget that she wasn't really happy at all.

However, when everything calmed down, and Jane had a moment to actually think; she felt hollow on the inside. She felt as though there was this giant hole inside of her chest. And she felt alone and trapped inside of her own mind. She felt so dead on the inside because she had repressed all of her feelings, and some part of her would just want to sleep. Sleep until she was better. Sleep for a very long time. Sleep forever. And that scared her because she felt like if she gave into that, then she was turning into her mother. So her only solution was to do all the things that made her forget again. It turned into a vicious cycle of feeling alive and then dead again, always doomed to repeat itself.

On the thirty-first of August, the day before Jane had to go back to Hogwarts, she sat at the River Test with Sarah and Sammy, smoking cigarettes and blowing smokes rings, which she had gotten better at. She didn't want to leave. She wanted it to be summer forever. She wasn't ready for classes and schoolwork and friends finding out about her mum. She wanted to drink and have a good time because if she didn't, those repressed feelings that she had yet to deal with would bubble out of her sooner or later. She didn't want to deal with her feelings. It would hurt too much.

"It sucks you don't go to Test," Sammy said. "What are we gonna do without you?"

"I expect the same things you always have," Jane said before filling her lungs with smoke.

"We're gonna miss you," Sarah whined.

"I guess we can wait till Christmas though. There's always killer Christmas parties," Sammy said eagerly.

Jane frowned a little and put out the butt of her cigarette with the bottom of her shoe. She shook her head.

"I don't think I'm coming home for Christmas," she admitted.

Sammy frowned back at her.

"Why not?"

Jane shrugged.

"It's just, it'll be the first holiday without my mum. I'm probably gonna want to be alone," she explained, trying her best not to sound too melancholy.

The two girls just nodded understandingly, and Jane lit another cigarette. She had already decided on staying at Hogwarts. She knew James would try to get her to come over to his house, but she wouldn't go this time.

Jane sighed at the thought of her friends. How was she gonna tell them? She knew she would have to. They'd drag it out of her anyway. She closed her eyes, exhaling smoke through her nose. She wasn't exactly looking forward to that conversation with them.

Jane tried to forget about it. She focused on what Sammy and Sarah were saying, laughing when something funny was said. However, the boys were still in the back of her mind, and she couldn't seem to completely forget about them. What would they say when she told them? Would she cry when she did?

Jane couldn't shake the whole thing from her mind. Suddenly, she began to dread going to Hogwarts all together. She wished to go to Test Valley with Sarah and Sammy.

"So," Sammy said, snapping Jane out of her reverie, "our last day of freedom. What should we do?"

Jane smiled, waiting for the adventure to begin, because every day as of late seemed to be an adventure, even if they were a little reckless and a little misguided.