CHAPTER EIGHTY-FIVE
Jane had mixed feelings about what Sirius had told her. On one hand, he had a very good, and terrifying, point. On the other hand, he didn't know what she was going through. She wished that Sammy and Sarah were with her. They'd agree with her about this whole counselling thing.
That Saturday, Jane sat in her dorm, debating on whether she was actually going to go or not. Finally, at a few minutes till one, she decided she would go. However, as she reached the corridor where Hellen's office resided, she kept walking right past the door. There were so many people walking about. Jane was scared that one of them would see her go in there.
Jane walked around the corridors, and she walked a complete circle until she was in front of Hellen's office again, having decided that she'd just walk in. However, she walked past it again.
Jane did this for a very long time, each time passing Hellen's door and then scolding herself for not going in. Finally, Jane made herself walk into the office, and she quickly shut the door behind her.
Hellen Richmond looked up at Jane who seemed to fall into one of the chairs reluctantly.
"Jane, how nice of you to join me," Hellen said. "You're thirty minutes late. Your session's halfway over."
"Yeah, I had trouble getting here," Jane said.
"Oh? And why is that?" Hellen asked.
"Because I didn't really want to come," Jane admitted. "By the way, why does your office have to be in such a public corridor? At least three people saw me come in here."
"Are you ashamed of having to come here?"
Jane let out a scathing laugh.
"I just don't want people thinking I'm some kind of nutter," Jane said.
"And why would they think that?" Hellen inquired.
"That's what this is for, isn't it? I mean, that's why my dad made me start seeing you in the first place, right? He was scared I was going mad," Jane said.
Hellen shook her head.
"You've gotten it all wrong, Jane. Just because someone seeks help doesn't mean they're crazy. Some people just need someone to talk to," Hellen said.
"I have people to talk to," Jane said. "They're called friends. Besides, I don't have anything to talk about."
"Nothing?" Hellen questioned.
"Nope," Jane said, popping the 'p' at the end. "I'm completely fine. I've been telling you that every Thursday."
"I know what you've been telling me," Hellen said.
"What? You don't believe me?" Jane asked.
"Why don't we talk about what happened on the train Monday?"
Jane blanched for a second, and then, she narrowed her eyes.
"Who told you about that? Was it Sirius? I'll kill him!" she said.
"Why don't you tell me what triggered it?" Hellen continued, ignoring Jane's question.
"Wha—? I don't know!" Jane lied. "Whatever he told you, he was exaggerating. It wasn't that bad."
"You said, I quote, 'It's all my fault,'" Hellen said, looking down at her notes. "Would you care to elaborate on that?"
Jane folded her arms across her chest.
"I don't recall saying that," she lied.
Hellen sighed, taking off her reading glasses.
"Jane, I can't help you if you don't talk to me. You were doing so good at the beginning of the summer, and then, you just shut down. What happened?" Hellen asked.
"Sammy and Sarah helped me to forget," Jane said, shrugging.
"Trying to forget and actually dealing with a situation are two completely different things, and one of them can be very destructive in the long run," Hellen told her.
"What does it matter if it makes me feel better?" Jane asked.
"Does it? Does it really make you feel better? Or do you feel even worse after you remember everything?"
Jane didn't look at Hellen, and she remained silent.
"Jane, I know you want a quick fix to everything, but there's not one that's going to make you feel better. You're going to have to work at it."
"Why?" Jane said. "Why can't there be a quick fix? Why can't everything just go back to normal?"
"I promise things are going to get better, but you need to open up to me again," Hellen said. "You need to stop trying to bury your feelings under everything else because if you keep doing it, they're going to manifest into something much worse."
"Or," Jane countered, "maybe they'll just go away."
"You and I both know that it doesn't work like that."
Jane rolled her eyes, and Hellen sighed again.
"I know sometimes it seems as though feeling nothing is better than feeling all of those emotions. It can be overwhelming and frightening—"
"I'm not scared," Jane butted in.
"I didn't say that you were," Hellen said calmly.
"No, but it's what you were implying," Jane said. "If anybody's afraid, it's my father. Why don't you talk to him?"
"How was your father doing when you left?" Hellen asked.
Jane let out a laugh.
"If you're asking if he's talked to me, the answer is no," Jane said.
"Well, have you tried talking to him?" Hellen asked.
"Believe me, I've tried. You should've been there when we went to Diagon Alley. It was like I was talking to a wall."
"Does that make you angry when he does that?" Hellen questioned.
"Of course it does," Jane snapped. "He doesn't say a word all summer, but I'm the one that gets shoved into therapy? He's a hypocrite; always has been."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because he should've made my mum get help," Jane said. "He was always arguing with her about getting help, but he never did anything about it."
"And do you blame him at all for your mother's death?"
Jane was taken a little off guard by the question. And for a second, she wasn't sure of the answer.
"No," she said with a finality that surprised even herself.
"And do you blame yourself at all?"
Jane was silent for a long time. Of course she blamed herself. How could she not? She had been absolutely terrible to her mother.
"Session's almost over," Jane said, staring at the clock and standing from the chair.
Hellen sighed once more.
"Will I see you on time next session?" she asked.
Jane shrugged and headed for the door.
"We'll see."
"Jane, wait," Hellen said, stopping Jane as her hand reached for the doorknob. "Just one more question."
Jane waited expectantly.
"When you came up to the castle last night in the carriages, did you notice anything…different?"
Jane furrowed her brow.
"No," she said. "Was I supposed to?"
Hellen gave Jane an almost pitying look.
"Never mind. Have a good day, Jane."
Jane gave Hellen a strange look before leaving her office. Then, she stormed directly up to the boys' dorm in Gryffindor Tower.
"Which one of you arseholes talked to Hellen about me?" Jane demanded.
The boys all looked at her, and Frank Longbottom closed the book he was reading and stood from his bed, stretching.
"Well, I know when it's time for me to leave," he said before walking out of the room.
Jane cut her eyes to Sirius.
"It was you, wasn't it? I'm gonna kill you," she said, lunging at him.
"Ow! I didn't do anything, you crazy bitch!" Sirius yelled, trying to push her off of him.
James grabbed onto her and pulled her away from Sirius.
"Jane! He didn't do it!" James said, trying to calm her down.
"How do you know?" Jane asked.
"Because I told her," he said.
Jane pushed herself away from him, a confused, hurt expression on her face.
"You had no right to do that," she said.
"I'm just trying to help you, Jane," James said.
"There are other ways to do that besides going behind my back!" she yelled at him. "That just makes me not trust you."
"It's just, I knew you wouldn't have told her," James explained.
"I'm not your responsibility," Jane said as she headed for the door. "I can take care of myself. I don't need you to try and protect me and help me with everything. I can handle things on my own."
"I'm sorry," James said.
"No, you're upset that I'm mad at you. There's a difference," Jane said before storming out of the dorm.
"What did you do, Prongs?" Peter asked.
"I just told the counsellor about what happened on the train," James said.
"For Merlin's sake, what'd you do that for?" Sirius asked.
"Don't act like that," James told Sirius. "Just the other day you were practically yelling at her about it."
"Now, a) I never yelled at her. I may have been a bit snappy, but I didn't yell. And b) I didn't rat her out to her counsellor!" Sirius said.
James sighed.
"Can you help me fix it?" he asked. "I mean, you always seem to get her to forgive you for the stupid shit you do."
Sirius smirked.
"Of course I can fix it; she's not even mad, trust me."
Jane was sitting on the Astronomy tower, trying to light a cigarette when she heard someone coming up the stairs. She hastily put away her lighter, but before she could throw her cigarette away, they spoke.
"Relax, Smokey, it's just me."
Jane glanced over her shoulder to see Sirius, and she relaxed a bit.
"What do you want?" she asked, taking a drag of the cigarette.
"First, I want to know what the deal with the fags are. When'd that start?" he asked.
Jane rolled her eyes.
"I highly doubt you followed me up here to ask about my smoking habits," Jane said in a less than amused voice.
"You'd be right, but I think we'd still like to know," he replied.
We? Jane thought.
She turned to see James, and she scowled.
"No, I'm not talking to him," she said in an adamant tone.
"I don't care," Sirius said, sitting beside her. "You still haven't answered my question."
Jane rolled her eyes again.
"Over summer; when did you think?" she asked sardonically.
"Can I see one?"
"You don't smoke," Jane said.
"No, but I've always been curious."
"You know they're bad for you."
"If you can handle it, I think I can," Sirius said mockingly.
"Fine, whatever," Jane said, passing him the pack of Player's and her lighter.
Jane watched as Sirius lit the cigarette and took a cautious drag. He made a weird face as he blew out the smoke. Jane frowned. That was it? No coughing or gagging? He looked at her.
"What?" he asked.
"Why are you good at everything?" she asked irritably with narrowed eyes.
"It's a curse," Sirius said, smirking.
Jane rolled her eyes.
"I know why you came up here, and I'm not talking to him," she told Sirius.
"Yeah, you will," Sirius said.
"Is that so?" Jane asked. "And what makes you so sure?"
"Trust me, I can tell when you're really mad, and you're not that mad at him," Sirius said, taking another careful drag of the cigarette in his hand.
"No? Then, enlighten me. Who am I mad at?" Jane said.
"I don't know; yourself probably," Sirius said in a nonchalant way. "The point is, you're not really mad at James."
"You're a real piece of work, you know that?" Jane said.
"Yes, but I didn't go behind your back and talk to your counsellor," Sirius pointed out.
Jane let out a laugh and shook her head. Then, she sighed in a resigned way.
"I'm not mad," she admitted. "I'm upset."
Jane looked at James who had sat down on the other side of Sirius.
"That was a really fucked up thing to do," she told him.
"It probably wasn't my best idea," James admitted.
"I realise that you were trying to help, but I have a major problem with people talking about me behind my back, especially my friends," Jane explained.
"You're right, and I really am sorry," he said.
Jane sighed. James was hard to be mad at.
"I know," she said.
"See? Told you she wasn't even mad. You worry too much," Sirius said to James.
Then, Sirius offered James the cigarette. Jane smirked, waiting for James to cough or gag as she had, but he merely did the same thing that Sirius did. She scowled.
"I hate you both," she said, flicking her cigarette off of the Astronomy tower.