CHAPTER EIGHTY-SIX
The days quickly turned into months, and September was October before Jane could blink her eyes. With this being her O.W.L. year, she was busier than ever with schoolwork. More than five times she had considered quitting the Quidditch team because the work load was so overwhelming. However, Hellen had persuaded her against this.
Jane found that she could talk to Hellen again; however, she never talked about her mother. Jane would talk about school and how much it was stressing her out or about her friends or about Quidditch. Never once did Jane talk about her mum, and Hellen only waited patiently, hoping that she would.
By the start of November, Jane's supply of cigarettes, with the help of James and Sirius, had been halfway depleted. However, James and Sirius, being as smart as they were, were able to teach her how to transform and conjure cigarettes for herself. Jane personally didn't think that conjured cigarettes were as good as real ones, but they would have to do when her supply completely ran out.
By now, Jane had become a master of buried emotions. They tried to sneak up on her every now and then, but Jane was able to push them back down again. And at night, she just did her best to ignore the hollow feeling that surrounded her. However, as November came around with December and the Christmas holidays just around the corner, this became harder to do, and she began to have trouble sleeping.
Other than knowing she wasn't going home for the holidays, Jane hadn't originally given Christmas much thought. But as it drew nearer, she had a harder time trying to keep her feelings at bay. And it definitely showed.
Jane became snappy, especially toward Hellen. The times in which she wasn't snapping at people, she was quiet. She withdrew into herself, spending hours in the library, hoping that her schoolwork would make her forget. As a result of her trouble sleeping, Jane began to develop dark circles underneath her eyes, which she covered up with copious amounts of make-up.
And as the days dragged on, Jane felt weighted down. The schoolwork was overwhelming. Quidditch practices seemed harder than ever with their Keeper, Will MacGregor, as their new team captain. The hollow feeling seemed to be eating away at her, the repressed emotions trying harder than ever to claw their way to the outside and make themselves known. And the internal conflict mixed with the external work and the lack of a good night's sleep pushed Jane closer and closer to the edge. And Avery was the person that pushed her over.
It was the fifth of November, three days before the Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch match. The Gryffindor Quidditch team had just gotten finished with practice, and they were headed up to the castle. The Slytherin team, who had booked the pitch right after the Gryffindor team, were headed down to the field. The crossing of the two teams was where the conflict began.
They passed each other in the courtyard of the school. The usual sneers and hisses were made, and the two teams continued to walk. However, when Avery passed Jane, he "accidentally" swung out his Beater's bat, and it hit her in the stomach. Jane doubled over a bit, and the two teams stopped.
"Watch where you're going, Mudblood," Avery said.
There was a gasp from Gryffindor's newest Beater, a third year by the name of Justin O'Connell. The rest of the Gryffindor team merely scowled at the Slytherins. The Slytherin team laughed, save for their Seeker, who was standing off to the side, a look of disapproval marking his features.
"Are you okay?" Will asked Jane as she stood up straight again.
Jane nodded.
"Of course she's not okay," Avery jeered. "She's a loony. I saw her just last Saturday walking into that counsellor's office. I'm happy to see that she's finally getting professional help."
James took a step toward Avery, but Jane put a hand on his arm to stop him.
"Just ignore him," Jane said, though she wanted nothing more than to hex the Slytherin into next week.
Reluctantly, James turned around, and the two teams started to walk their separate ways again. It seemed as though a crisis had been avoided. But of course, if things were always as they seemed, nothing interesting would happen.
Jane hadn't taken two steps before she heard Avery's voice, which was loud enough for everyone in the courtyard to hear and directed toward her.
"I believe I'd kill myself too if I had to live with you."
It was so quiet that not even the birds seemed to be chirping. In what seemed like a flash, Jane was on top of Avery, slamming her fist into his face over and over again, driven by nothing but pure adrenaline.
For a moment, the two teams just watched in astonishment, most of them with their mouths hanging open. However, when Jane grabbed onto Avery's hair and proceeded to bash his head into the ground, someone grabbed onto her, trying to pull her away.
Jane screamed and kicked and continued to throw punches and claw at the air as the person managed to get her off of Avery. Sirius and James then intervened.
"Get off of her," Sirius said, pushing away his younger brother, who had been the one that pulled Jane off Avery.
"She's killed him!" someone said dramatically, and the Slytherin team huddled around their now unconscious Beater.
And Jane, who by this time had halfway gained her right state of mind back, let herself collapse into James and started to sob uncontrollably. And somewhere in the far back of her mind, she couldn't help but think that if people didn't already think she was crazy, they sure as hell thought so now.
"Suspended?!"
The two Quidditch teams were now in Professor McGonagall's office with the exception of Avery, who was in the Hospital Wing.
"Yes, Mr. MacGregor," McGonagall said. "She is suspended from the game."
"But Professor, you can't—" Will started.
"Yes, I can, and I am."
Jane shifted uncomfortably beside James as McGonagall's gaze landed on her.
"But he started it!" Jarod argued.
"Mr. Avery will be suspended from the game as well," McGonagall said.
"That's not fair!" said the Slytherin captain. "She's the one that attacked him!"
"Mr. Avery instigated a fight, and therefore is as much at fault as Miss Hensworth. They are both suspended from the game on Saturday."
The two Quidditch teams started to protest, and Jane just stared at her feet. She just wanted to be alone.
"That's enough!" McGonagall said, raising her voice to quiet the two teams. "Now, I assume Slytherin and Gryffindor both have alternates. Use them! As for Mr. Avery and Miss Hensworth, they are not permitted within two-hundred yards of the Quidditch pitch this Saturday."
Will opened his mouth to protest further, but McGonagall stopped him.
"They will not play. Do I make myself clear?"
The two team captains nodded grudgingly.
"Good. Now, you may go," McGonagall said.
Jane was the first one out of the room. As she walked down the corridor, she saw people staring at her. Something inside of her snapped under the weight of all their wandering eyes, and the emotions that she had been holding in for so long finally broke free. She felt panicked. She felt as though all of her feelings were surrounding her, pressing in on her from all angles. She felt as though they were suffocating her, and she freaked out. She needed to get out of there.
Jane walked from the hall as quickly as she could. James and Sirius followed her, calling out for her to slow down. However, Jane barely heard them, and she continued her fast pace out of the castle and through the courtyard. She didn't know exactly where she was going, but she just needed to get away from people before she had a total breakdown.
"Jane! Wait up!" James called.
The boys had to jog to catch up to her. James put a hand on her shoulder as she was making her way around a corner of the castle.
"Leave me alone," Jane demanded, jerking her shoulder away from him.
"Just talk to us," James implored.
"No! I said to leave me alone!" Jane yelled, trying desperately to push back the wave of emotions she was feeling all at once.
"No, I've had enough of this shit," Sirius said, and he grabbed Jane by the arm and pushed her against the side of the school. "I've had enough of you snapping at everyone and shutting down just because you can't deal with things properly. So, you're gonna tell us what's going on right now!"
"Please, just leave me alone," Jane begged, trying desperately to hold back tears.
Jane tried to push Sirius away from her, but he pushed her roughly against the side of the castle, his hands tightening almost painfully around her arms.
"I said now," Sirius demanded.
"What do you want me to say?" Jane screamed. "What? D-Do you want me to tell you how-how every day I wake up exhausted and tired as though I've haven't even slept? You want me to tell you how hard it is for me to act like a normal human being?"
Sirius backed away from her as she screamed at him and James.
"Would you like to know how it feels to have to walk through each day completely numb on the inside because actually allowing yourself to feel all the emotions you have bottled up inside of you would be five thousand times harder to deal with? Would you like to know how much it sucks to constantly have to be doing something to make yourself forget that you're the reason your mum killed herself?
"Or maybe I could tell you about how on the rare occasions where I actually feel some slight inclination towards happiness it gets ruined because I suddenly remember that my mum's dead. I could tell you about how hollow and empty and alone I feel every single night, and no matter how hard I try, I can't make it go away.
"You don't know what it's like to go through everyday hating yourself because your mum would still be alive if it weren't for you."
By now, Jane was crying relentlessly, and her body physically crumbled under the weight of all the emotional stress she was going through. She slid down the side of the castle to the ground, still crying and choking on her own sobs. Jane pushed her hands to the side of her head as though she were trying to keep it from splitting open.
"I hate myself so much," Jane cried.
James moved to sit next to her.
"Jane, what you mother did was not your fault," he said carefully.
"Yes, it is!" Jane cried. "You don't know what I was like to her. She would lock herself away in that room, and I'd be so angry with her, so disappointed. And I was awful to her sometimes, and I never got to apologise."
"Janie, your mum was sick," Sirius said, resting on his haunches in front of her. "That wasn't your fault."
Jane clutched her head as it swam with emotions.
"I feel like I'm going crazy," she wailed. "Why can't it just go away?"
James pulled her into his lap, and once again, Jane buried her face into the crook of his neck. Sirius sat down beside James and rubbed Jane's back soothingly.
"It's gonna be okay, Janie. We promise."
"Why did she leave me?" Jane cried into James' neck. "I need her, and she left. Why wasn't I good enough for her? Why didn't she stay alive for me?"