CHAPTER EIGHTY-EIGHT
The weeks passed, and Jane signed up to stay at Hogwarts as planned. She had finally gotten James to stop bugging her about changing her mind. Jane thought he had stopped because he finally learned to respect her wish to be alone. However, her friends, being who they were, always had something up their sleeves, whether Jane liked it or not.
Everything had been going great. James wasn't bugging her anymore. All of her roommates would be gone for the holidays as well. Everything was going according to plan. Jane was fully prepared for her long holiday of doing absolutely nothing and just thinking. But where Jane has a will, Sirius has a way to screw it all to hell.
She had said goodbye to her friends at breakfast and went up to her dorm as they all left for Hogsmeade station. Well…almost all of them.
When Jane had come back down to the common room to sit by the fire and read a book, she was startled to see Sirius laying on the couch. He smiled up at her.
"Nope," was all she said, and she turned to walk back to her dorm.
However, Sirius jumped up and stopped her.
"I know what you're going to say. 'Leave me alone, blah, blah, blah. I'm going to my room,'" he said, trying to imitate her voice.
"Glad to know we're on the same page here," she said, trying to push him out of her way.
"You technically can't be mad at me for staying," Sirius said in a matter-of-fact kind of way.
Jane's brow shot upward.
"Oh? And why is that?" she asked.
"Well, your reason for not wanting us to stay here was because we should be with our families. Well, I wasn't going to spend the holiday with my family anyway, so really, I'm not disrespecting any of your wishes."
"James came up with this idea, didn't he?" Jane asked knowingly.
"Of course. You think I want to babysit you all Christmas?" Sirius asked rhetorically.
"Well, I don't want you to either," Jane said.
"So, I won't," Sirius said.
"Good, so if I walk out of the common room right now, you wouldn't follow me?" she asked hopefully.
"Of course I would," Sirius stated bluntly. "James isn't here. Who am I supposed to hang out with?"
Jane let out a little laugh.
"Okay, let's try this again," she said. "Sirius, I'm going to walk away now, and if you follow me, I'll shove this book so far up your arse that it'll come out your mouth. This is supposed to be my alone time. Do I make myself clear?"
Sirius grinned at her mischievously.
"Very."
"I'm not joking, Sirius," Jane said.
"I know," he replied.
Jane walked toward the portrait hole, eyeing him suspiciously. As she walked through the barren corridors to the mirror on the fourth floor, she kept looking back to make sure he wasn't following her, and if he was, he was doing a spectacular job at hiding because Jane couldn't see him.
Jane walked off to Hogsmeade, silently cursing herself for leaving her cloak in her dorm, but she wasn't about to turn around and go get it. When she got to the village, she looked around at the snow-covered shops and breathed in the crisp, numbingly cold air.
Between all the intense O.W.L. practice work she'd had and the emotional turmoil, Jane hadn't really spent as much time in Hogsmeade as she usually did. She missed it. She walked into the Three Broomsticks and sat down at the bar, ordering a Butterbeer.
She went through four Butterbeers before finally deciding she'd visit the little white cottage where the Lyles family used to live. But first, she really had to use the bathroom. Four Butterbeers was just too much for her bladder.
Sirius, who had been following Jane this whole time under James' invisibility cloak, watched her walked to the back toward to bathrooms. He waited patiently. He wasn't really sure why he was following her. He supposed it was because she had told him not to, and he had nothing better to do with his time.
Jane finished up in the bathroom and left the pub, leaving some money on the bar for her drinks. She walked and walked until she came to the little broken cottage. She touched the wall gently and sat her book on the windowsill before venturing inside.
Though the cottage was still in ruins, nothing was left on the inside. Jane assumed that someone had come and cleared everything out. She walked into the room that used to belong to the little boy and sat down on the floor.
Jane leaned her back against the wall that wasn't caved in and closed her eyes. She tried to imagine how the inside of the little cottage had looked before the attack on Hogsmeade. She tried to imagine the little boy and his mother sitting in front of the stone fireplace, waiting for the father to come home.
However, her mother flashed across her thoughts, and Jane felt guilty for even thinking of the family. She sighed and opened her eyes. She almost screamed when she saw a big, black dog at the other side of the room.
Jane stayed very still for a moment. She had no idea where this dog came from. What if it was rabid? What if it attacked her? However, the more she looked at it, the less frightened she became. It seemed well groomed, as though maybe it belonged to someone, and its tail was wagging. And if Jane didn't know any better, she could've sworn that the dog was smiling.
The dog cocked its head at her, and Jane smiled, relaxing against the wall again.
"Well, hello there," she said to the dog.
Jane tentatively held out her hand.
"Come on," she said. "I won't hurt you."
The dog happily trotted over to her, and she scratched its head.
"Where did you come from?" Jane asked, looking for a collar, but finding nothing. "I bet someone's looking for you. You're too clean and well-fed to be a stray."
"A really nice family used to live here," she said to the dog.
Then, she laughed, a bit embarrassed to be talking to a dog.
"Maybe I am mental," she thought aloud, and the dog barked at her.
Jane looked at the dog curiously. There was something familiar about it, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. Suddenly, a gust of wind from outside tore through the broken cottage, causing Jane to shiver.
The dog laid down across her lap, and Jane laughed.
"Well, that's one way to keep me warm."
Jane petted the dog, running her fingers through its black fur.
"I'm surprised Sirius didn't follow me," Jane said aloud to the dog; she wasn't sure why she kept talking to it. "He's usually all for doing the exact opposite of everything I say."
"I always wanted a dog," Jane continued. "Couldn't ever have one though. My dad's allergic. Wonder what he's gonna do this Christmas. I doubt he'll even know I'm not there. He doesn't really pay attention to me anymore anyway."
Jane scratched the dog behind its ears, and it wagged its tail happily.
"I think he blames me for what happened that night," she said in a sad voice. "Of course, you can't understand a word I'm saying. Why am I talking to a dog?"
The dog barked again, and Jane laughed.
"It's just, I've been sort of worried about my sanity ever since summer, and talking to an animal isn't helping my case any."
Jane thought for a second.
"Though, you're a lot easier to talk to than Hellen, or anything that can talk back for that matter."
Jane started to think about her mother again, and she was quiet for a long time. She let a tear slip out of her eye. The dog looked up at her, and she let out a small laugh.
"It didn't used to be like this. I used to be happy. There used to be a happy family that live in my house too, a lot like the one that used to live here.
"Around ten years ago, there was a little girl that lived where I do. She was so happy. She used to go to the park with her mum. She wasn't an ordinary little girl; she was different. And she was always teased by the other children. One day, another child pushed her out of the swing she was in. And she cried out for her mum, because that's what children do."
Jane continued to pet the dog as she told her story.
"And the mum ran over to her little girl and picked her up. And she said:
"'It's okay, love. You're all right.'
"And then, she smiled at the little girl, a very warm, kind smile. This smile was unlike any other. It was unique. More mysterious than the Mona Lisa and warmer than a summer's day. It infected everyone around it like a contagion of happiness. It was a smile that could drive men crazy; it could create laughter in the saddest person, and even stop the tears of children."
Jane paused and smiled a bit, thinking about how happy her mother used to be.
"So, the little girl stopped her crying, and smiled back at her mum, unable to be sad when her mum had smiled a smile as marvellous and wonderful as that. The woman may have been a Muggle, but there was magic in that smile of hers.
"And from then on, the smile of her mum became the little girl's favourite thing in the world.
"However, as the little girl grew older, something changed. Something was broken inside of her mum in ways that no one could really explain to the little girl, for seemingly no reason at all. And there were some days when her mum, whom the little girl had come to cherish, was not herself. And some days, she couldn't produce a smile at all, and that made the little girl sad.
"And as the years continued, the little girl grew cold. Her mother's illness took its toll, and she felt as though her mum was missing out on things that were important to her, such as a birthday or Christmas. So part of the little girl started to resent her mum, and as she got older, and her mum refused help, the resentment got worse.
"The little girl would call her mum selfish and she would yell at her mum and be mean to her, because she felt that it wasn't fair.
"And then, one night, as the girl lay in her room, her mum came in to say goodnight. She said:
"'I really do love you, Janie.'
"And the girl could tell that there was something in the way her mother said it…something was different. But the little girl, who was lost in her own illusions, didn't ask if she was okay. She only told her that she loved her too."
Jane's eyes started to well with tears as she remembered the last words her mother spoke to her. However, she felt compelled to tell the rest of the story, as though saying it out loud would lessen the pain that she felt on the inside.
"And when girl awoke in the middle of the night, the house was cold. It wasn't the kind of coldness that could be remedied with a sweater or some tea, but the kind that seeps into your veins and gnaws at your soul.
"So, the girl went looking for her mum, but it was too late; she was gone. And she cried out for her mum, because that's what children do."
Jane let the tears fall unchecked as she talked.
"But this time no one was there to tell her that it was okay, and the mysterious smile that could create laughter and stop the tears of children wasn't there anymore; the world would never see it again."
Jane continued to cry silently.
"All I had to do was ask," she said. "I knew something was different in her voice. I just had to ask her what was wrong, and then maybe she'd still be here."
The dog looked up at her again.
"I could have saved her, and instead, I just let her go. And my friends and Hellen, no matter how hard they try to help, they'll never understand what that feels like.
"And some part of me is mad at her. I'm mad that she never got help, and I'm mad because she left me. But mostly, I'm mad at myself, because maybe if I had been a better daughter, she wouldn't have wanted to leave."
The dog got up from Jane's lap and sat beside her. Jane let out a humourless laugh.
"And here I am, telling all of this to a dog, because I'm too afraid to tell an actual person how I feel! Merlin, I'm so pathetic!"
Jane leaned her head back against the wall and continued to cry. The dog stared at her for a few seconds, and then, it licked at her face in a comforting way. This caused Jane to laugh a bit.
"You are uncommonly…human," she said to the dog.
The dog seemed to bark happily, and Jane only laughed, and started to pet it again. It lay back down across her lap and wagged its tail in a content way as Jane thought about her mother.