*Trigger warning for rape aftermath.*
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Her face felt numb, cold against whatever it was she was lying upon. There was a soft breeze, her hair rustling as it reached her, but she could hardly feel a thing. She could smell rain, a warm sprinkle against the grass, an earthy scent. She took a deep breath, her body aching beneath it as she groaned. She could hear crickets in the distance, singing their nightly song. After a moment of floating into consciousness, her eyes began to flutter open. Vision hazy, she blinked several times before anything came into focus.
She was on the floor of the gazebo, her face pressed harshly against the concrete beneath her. She tried to move, but stabbing pains jolted through her body to stop her. What happened, she wondered, as she bit her lip and tried to move again. The world spun around her, and she vaguely wondered if she had a concussion. Her head had never ached so badly. After a moment, she was finally able to push herself upon her hip, bringing a hand to her face. A gasp escaped her lips at the feeling that her cheek was bleeding and incredibly painful to the touch. She remembered being hit, so hard she lost balance and slammed to the ground. Her head was pounding.
She gasped again as she looked down, her dress bunched about her waist, and her panties around her knees. So it hadn't been a dream. Tears fell from her eyes as she hurried to pull up her panties and cover herself, gasping at the pain she felt between her legs. She looked around, wondering if anyone was near as her body began to shake uncontrollably. Dried blood stained her thighs, and she couldn't control the lurching of her stomach as she began to recall the events of her evening, hitting her brain like venomous waves. She tried to move, to at least make it to the grass, but her body was not responding, and she became sick where she sat, coughing and gasping as she emptied the contents of her stomach.
She was out of breath by the time she stopped, her body shaking, and her face completely drenched from tears. She had no idea what to do, what she was supposed to do, all she knew was that her soul felt as if it was suspended outside of her body, as if she were watching herself from a distance. She wanted to curl into herself and take off running at the exact same time, her entire existence betraying her.
She tried to stand, pulling herself up upon a bench, but her legs buckled and all she managed was to fall into a seated position. The pain between her legs throbbed, and she wept harder as she looked to the dried blood upon the cement, a stain that would be nearly impossible to clean, much like herself. She felt filthy, vulnerable and alone.
It was a need for air and quiet that had brought her outside, walking as she had done so many times before. With the party beginning to wind down, she took the opportunity to sneak past the remaining guests and find solace in the night air. In reality, the Baroness had shaken her to the core with their conversation, her revelation that she noticed the feelings emerging between Maria and the Captain, love she called it. Maria had begun to run away, she started packing her bag and rushing about, but one thought of never seeing the children again, never seeing him again, and she couldn't go through with it. She had only needed some room to breathe, searching for some air when…
"Fraulein?" She gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth to stifle the sound of her sobbing. Nobody needed to see her like that, she absolutely couldn't be seen like that, especially by him. What would he think? The Captain suddenly appeared in the opening of the gazebo, ready to jump into immediate action at the sight of her. "Maria, my God, what happened?"
"No, stop, go away!" She jumped as he quickly approached her, uttering the first words that came to mind. He held up his hands to her, soft palms open toward her in a gesture of submission. He took in her disheveled appearance, their surroundings, looking to the mess upon the concrete, and his eyes became dark with understanding, with pure rage.
"Are you alright?" A stupid question, he knew, but the words fell from his lips before he could control them. What did one say in such a situation, after all?
"No." He nodded, and she continued to shake uncontrollably. She wanted a bath, or perhaps to walk into the lake and allow it to take her, she wasn't sure. She needed to be submerged, to scrub her body until it felt clean again.
"Who?"
"I don't know…" She cried out, bringing her hand up to cover her mouth, not wanting him to hear her anguish. His jaw tightened in anger. Throwing propriety aside, he moved to take her in his arms, but he stopped quickly, knowing she didn't need to be touched at all. He was at an utter loss.
"We should get you to the hospital." She shook her head.
"What can they possibly do?" She breathed heavily, her heart racing in agony.
"They'll make sure you aren't hurt."
"What a joke…"
"Please let me take you." She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he was right, but unable to think rationally at all. Her brain was foggy, yet moving at all kinds of paces.
"I couldn't stand a moment ago." She felt panic rise within, wondering if she had somehow lost the use of her legs. What if she really was injured beyond the act itself? Hadn't that been enough, she wondered.
"May I help you try? You're in shock, you'll need some help." She met his eyes, feeling secured by the understanding in his voice, the kindness of his face. The same face she had gazed into so affectionately mere hours earlier as they danced. What she wouldn't have given to go back to that moment, when only the two of them existed in the world.
"Alright." She nodded, and he approached her slowly, holding out his hands for her to take. She took his hands gently with her own, noting that her fingernails were dirty and broken from how she had fought. His grasp was warm, gentle and kind, and she took a deep breath as he stepped closer.
"You're safe, Maria. Come on." His voice was so gentle, and she felt tears fall from her eyes once more at the sound of it. She took a deep breath, and he helped her stand. She tried not to gasp or cry out at the pain as she stood, her whole body was scraped and bruised it seemed, and she stood to full height before him. He slowly wrapped an arm around her waist and used the other to take her hand and lead her as they began to walk, slowly as her legs shook beneath her. Her entire body shook. "I've got you. I won't let go."
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been out here…"
"No, you are never allowed to apologize for this." His voice was sharp, direct. She bit her lip and nodded, concentrating on walking with him toward the villa. Her legs became less shaky as they walked, and she found herself relying on him less. As they neared the door, he let go of her hand to open it. "I'm going to ask Max to listen for the children while we go."
"What will you say? Please, don't tell him…" He shook his head, silencing her panic as they entered the villa.
"I'll tell him you had a fall, and I'm taking you as a precaution." She nodded, still feeling uncertain about going to the hospital at all. They didn't have the power to reverse time, after all, and that was the only thing she could think of that would make any difference. "Do you have identification of any sort? You'll likely need it."
"Yes, I'll get it." She began to walk away, but the moment she made it to the doorframe, she stopped. She felt bare immediately, his sudden lack of presence leaving a void that she hadn't expected. She had never before felt afraid to be alone, she had been alone her entire life. She turned to meet his eyes, finding a comforting compassion staring back at her. "Captain…I know it sounds silly, but…would you come with me?"
"Of course I will, come on." He offered a small smile as he ushered her out the door and to her bedroom to retrieve her driver's license, as well as her rosary. She vaguely realized it was nearly two o'clock in the morning as they passed the clock in the hall near Max's room. She wondered how long she had been unconscious in the gazebo, her body exposed to the world. It made her feel sick all over again. He was quick to notify his friend, and he led Maria to his car in an instant. There wasn't much conversation, neither of them had a thing to say after all.
When they arrived at the hospital, he opened her car door and, without thought, took her hand in his. She felt safe, secure with him, even though her mind couldn't form a single coherent thought at the moment.
"Thank you, Captain."
xxxxx
She sat in a hospital bed, clutching her rosary in her hands as the doctor and nurses finally completed their examination and left her alone. She was given permission to change back into her dress, but they asked her to stay just a bit longer to make sure they had results back from a couple of the tests they wanted. She had never been examined in such a way before, and the medical nature of being touched in such intimate places made her feel terribly vulnerable, as if it were possible to feel any more vulnerable, she thought bitterly.
They asked too many questions, wanting to know details of her night and what had happened to her. She couldn't even say what had happened, the important parts were obvious by looking at her, and her brain couldn't form the words to fill in the rest. There was no way she would be able to tell her story, no way she could verbalize what had happened. If she were honest, she hadn't even been able to fully replay the events to herself, let alone share them. It was embarrassing, it was violating, it was so many things she couldn't describe. She felt shameful and weak, lonely and disgusting in her skin.
The doctor said she was lucky, whatever that meant, that her injuries really were generally cosmetic and minor overall. She supposed from a medical standpoint, she probably didn't look how she felt. The gash upon her cheek being her worst injury by far, the rest of her scrapes and bruises were more of a blow to her vanity. The problem wasn't being beaten up a bit, though she would have liked to think that would never again happen to her since she left her uncle's home years ago, but she was terribly concerned with the injuries between her legs. The doctor said she had bled so much simply due to the force of her attack, her body ripping and tearing with each violent thrust. She began to cry again, his words replaying in her head, harsh and mechanical, as if he'd said the same thing many times before. She couldn't bear the thought of her virtue being taken from her in such a way, leaving her so impure and filthy.
Suddenly, she heard loud voices outside her room. She sniffled, wiping her eyes as she listened harder. They were nearly shouting, but not quite. Intrigued, she stood from the bed, making her way to the door to discover the source of the argument. Her eyes widened as she cracked the door, finding the Captain and Mother Abbess standing toe-to-toe as they lost their patience with one another.
"I didn't call you to come here and cause a scene."
"Had you not called, it would have been far worse than this, I assure you." He ran a hand through his hair in frustration, taking a step back to keep his cool. He wasn't about to yell at a nun, no matter how tempting.
"I simply thought you needed to know. She won't be happy with me when she finds out I told you."
"I'm afraid you no longer get an opinion on the matter."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Captain, she was left in your care. It was your responsibility to keep her safe under your employ, and you have failed miserably."
"Do you think I'm unaware of that? You can't imagine the guilt I feel…"
"You can't imagine the things she is feeling."
"It wasn't his fault, Reverend Mother." They both turned to find Maria standing in the doorway, rosary threaded through her fingers and dark circles beneath her eyes. The gash upon her cheek had been cleaned and bandaged, but she could feel how swollen it still was. She had to look frightful, she supposed. "I stepped out on my own. I shouldn't have been out alone at such an hour."
"Maria…" She had never seen Mother Abbess speechless, but there she was, unsure of her words as she stared at her desecrated postulant. She supposed it must have been difficult to know what to say, as she didn't even know what to say herself. But she knew she could never blame the Captain for what had happened, there was no reason to at all.
"You can't blame a good man for the actions of a bad man."
"No, of course not. I apologize for my words, Captain." Reverend Mother turned to face him once more, and he felt surprised by the change of attitude. He supposed they were all in a terrible way at the moment, lost about what needed to be happening. He felt quite helpless, himself.
"Yes, well…" He cleared his voice, gently meeting Maria's eyes. "Are you being released, Fraulein?"
"Yes, I should be in a moment." He nodded, trying to give her a comforting smile, but it didn't quite make it to his eyes.
"We can send for your things tomorrow then." She felt confused as the older woman moved to join her by the door of the hospital room, placing a gentle hand upon her back.
"What do you mean?"
"What do I mean? Maria, you can't possibly think it's a good idea to return with Captain von Trapp." She shrugged, her turn to be speechless. Yes, she had assumed she would return with him, it wasn't her time yet to go back to the Abbey. She had a job to do…not to mention she couldn't simply leave the children without a word. She had already tried once that evening and couldn't even do it then, amidst the panic of the Baroness's words to her. She hated to admit it, but she didn't want to go back to the convent. The thought made new panic arise within her stomach.
"She will return with me." The Captain noticed her inability to speak up for herself and took his own opportunity, stepping closer as well. "She is still under my employ, after all."
"You do not have the means to help her through this difficult situation." Maria shivered, the thought of being secluded in her cold, damp postulant cell didn't sound much like a healing environment either, she thought darkly.
"I fear nobody really has the means to help me at the moment, Reverend Mother." Her words left her lips before she could think, and the two confidants in front of her couldn't hide their disdain. It wasn't like her at all to speak so darkly, but she supposed she had been changed in many ways that night. The Captain slowly moved forward, taking her hand and meeting her eyes.
"Fraulein, what do you think is best for you right now?" She shrugged, pushing down all the bitter responses that threatened to flow from her lips.
"Returning with you to the danger of it happening again? I couldn't imagine!" The Reverend Mother was right to be concerned, she thought. She had no idea what Maria had been up to the past months, no idea of what exactly had happened and why it was most unlikely to happen again. The Captain would never let her out of his sight, she was certain.
"The children would be…"
"What is best for you though, Maria?" He called her by name, his eyes looking deep into her own. He wasn't just talking to his governess, he was talking to her, the woman beneath the role. He was speaking to someone he cared for very deeply.
"I believe it would be best for me to return with you, if you'll have me?" He nodded quickly, giving her a gentle smile. She turned to address the older woman at his side. "We both know becoming a nun was an unrealistic goal for me anyway, perhaps it's time to stop pretending."
"Maria…"
"Especially now…I'm ruined now." The Captain gave her a look of distress before he gently pulled her head to his chest. She didn't intend to do it, but she suddenly began to cry, her emotions spilling out of her beyond her control at the kindness of the gesture.
He ran a hand over her hair before wrapping her tighter in his arms as she wept. The Reverend Mother made eye contact with him, her eyes full of anguish and care, but she didn't say a word. She simply stood back as he comforted her, so improper, but so needed. He didn't much care about propriety when it came to her anyway, he never really had.
"Maria, I want you to know that you always have a place at the Abbey, even if your plans have changed." Maria wiped her eyes, nodding thankfully at the words. The older woman stepped forward, placing her hands upon Maria's cheeks and looking deeply into her eyes. "Let God guide you. You are the strongest woman I know. Don't forget that."
Maria nodded, and the Reverend Mother gently pulled her in for a comforting hug.