Upon their return to the villa, the Captain walked Maria to her bedroom, letting her know that she was not expected to leave her room again until she was ready. He also made sure she knew that if she needed anything at all, she only needed to find him and ask. He had no idea what he could possibly do to help her, but he knew he could start by simply being there for her if she needed a shoulder.
As she closed her bedroom door behind her, she shivered at how cold she felt. Her body felt like ice, and she could have sworn she could see her breath as she sighed heavily. Her brain had been rapidly firing for hours by that point, and she felt as if she were running on automatic as she grabbed her nightgown and walked into the bathroom to draw a bath. Her pretty little dress she made specifically for the party could be saved had she set it to soak, but there was no way she would have been able to ever wear it again. It would need to be burned, she thought bitterly as she began ripping it from her body, unable to remove it fast enough.
She avoided the full-length mirror as she stripped bare, her body still incredibly sore as she stepped into her bath. The water made her cuts and scrapes sting as she settled in, sighing at the warmth upon her skin. The blood stains upon her thighs stayed strong until she reached with her washcloth and scrubbed it all away. There was never a moment in her life when she had felt more disgusting, filthy from the inside out. She bit her lip as she reached between her legs, cringing from the pain as she washed herself. The water was nearly scalding, but she needed it to be, she wanted to burn off her skin if she could, burn away the remnants of her assault.
It seemed she couldn't scrub her body hard enough, her skin nearly bleeding by the time she decided to drain the tub and move on. Whatever she did accomplish would have to do, she thought as she pulled her nightgown over her head. She finally faced her reflection as she brushed her hair, frowning at the bandaged gash upon her cheek. She had been hit before, having her difficult childhood to thank for that, but she truly thought that part of her life was over. It never occurred to her that it could ever happen again. She reached up to touch her face, wondering how she was going to explain it to the children. She found herself thanking God that they weren't with her when she was attacked. They typically stuck to her like glue, so it was rare enough that she had been alone.
She left the light on as she climbed into bed, not willing to risk darkness yet. She felt incredibly cold, shivering as she wrapped herself in her blankets, pulling them tightly to her chin. The heaviness of the blankets didn't bring her the comfort she had hoped for, not as they had done during difficult times in the past. It seemed nothing could bring her the comfort she needed...she found that she really had no idea what exactly she did need. Suddenly, for the first time since her attack, she felt the weight of being truly alone with herself, with her thoughts, and they proved to be quite dark and incredibly menacing.
She remembered his face, every single detail of it from his deep green eyes to the way he parted his hair, the freckle just beneath his right eye. He was incredibly drunk, and her stomach churned as she remembered the way he smelled of alcohol on top of her, the weight of his body pressing against her own. He appeared dangerous the moment they came across one another, she walking to clear her head and sort out the feelings she had formed for her employer, and he, a guest at the party, presumably looking for some fresh air himself. Though, if she were honest, he did appear to be looking for someone, whether or not it was her, she supposed she would never know.
Her chest began to feel heavy as she recalled the events, her heart pounding with anxiety. She could still feel his large hands upon her, squeezing and gripping her body, pulling at her dress as he forced her to the ground. She punched and slapped at his face, screaming for help; oh, she could still so clearly hear the voice that couldn't have possibly belonged to her, screaming in terror. It echoed in her ears, and she nearly jumped at the memory of his booming voice, telling her to shut up, calling her obscene names. He was horrifying in memory, just as he had been in life.
She began to hyperventilate, she couldn't think any further, it was all too much. Her body was shaking, fear, rage, all of the possible emotions she had ever felt were bubbling to the surface. She felt helpless, confused, and suddenly she turned her head and buried her face into her pillow, screaming to release the tension as she began to cry. There was no stopping the tears, they were going to fall for quite some time, she knew, as she rolled over and gasped for air. She knew there was another side to what she was feeling, many women before her were able to cope…but how could she ever? She wasn't as strong as she felt she once was. She felt broken and weak, useless in her skin.
She rolled over, trying to calm herself enough to sleep, she knew she needed sleep. The thought of lying with her back to the door made her nervous, so she sighed and turned over once more, feeling more than restless. It wasn't as if she thought anything would happen to her in her bedroom, the villa had always felt safe to her, especially once it was locked down for the night. Though, she had to remind herself that she needed to be kind and patient, realizing she was going to feel paranoid and nervous about many things, possibly for quite a while. The doctor told her to expect many feeling she was unaccustomed to. She nearly scoffed when he spoke to her, as if she had no idea how her life had suddenly been forced to change.
Quickly standing from the bed, she grabbed and slid a chair across the room, wedging it beneath the doorknob. For some reason, the little extra security felt better, though she hoped none of the children would need her and try to burst in. She looked to the clock, knowing they would be up within the next hour for breakfast anyway. She ran her hands through her damp hair, shaking her head in frustration as she returned to her bed, tucking herself deeply beneath the blankets once more.
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Georg sat at the breakfast table with his children, doing his best not to show how exhausted he was from being awake all night. He had managed to sleep for an hour or so, maybe, but that could have been pushing it. He couldn't get Maria off his mind; the sounds of her agony, and the helpless look upon her face. He never imagined he would see her that way, so devastatingly lost. He was filled with rage, the need to serve some kind of justice, but without her knowing who the man was, he wasn't really certain where to begin.
He recalled the last time he saw her happy. They were dancing, their hands pressed gently together as he guided her around the dance floor. She was delicate and soft, moving gracefully alongside him. He couldn't believe how light she was, giving him bashful looks and timid smiles. She had been filled with so much life…and then she had been terribly confused. He had allowed himself to fully feel the feelings he had so desperately been trying to ignore, but he showed them to her, and it was obvious she had no idea how to process them. He was very much in love with her.
But what was he supposed to do about that? He couldn't tell her, not anytime soon. She was broken, damaged beyond repair, and his heart was broken for her. And he knew the last thing she needed was him spouting off and professing his love for her. After all she had been through, would she ever even be able to accept it? He supposed all he could do was take care of her, watch over her, help her heal however he could. He loved her enough, it didn't matter what happened, as long as he could help her find her way back to…
"Fraulein, what are you doing?" She shook him from his thoughts as she entered the dining room, dressed and prepared for the day.
"Good morning, Captain. Children." They all mumbled their greeting to her as they watched her with confusion. The gash upon her cheek felt hot, and she could tell they wanted to ask about it, but wouldn't dare.
"I informed the children that after your fall last night, you wouldn't be joining us today." She met his eyes, feeling a bit as if he were scolding her. She didn't care, there was no way she could close her eyes to sleep without being haunted, so she thought it best to distract herself as much as she could. "You really do need your rest."
"I appreciate your concern, Captain, but I'm quite well." He met her eyes with an incredible amount of compassion, and she felt tears beginning to brim, but she held them back and cleared her throat. She couldn't handle looks like that at the moment. "So, everyone, what was our favorite part about the party last night?"
He watched as she attempted to smile brightly to the children, each choosing their favorite parts of the party to discuss. She hardly ate, merely moving her food about her plate and taking a bite here and there. He wouldn't have noticed had he not been watching, and the way she avoided his eyes let him know that she knew for a fact he was. He was concerned for her, but supposed there was no right way for a person to process such an assault. She was a very private person, having rarely spoken much of herself, so he wasn't entirely sure what her approach would be.
Having experienced his own forms of grief and despair, comparing it in part to her current state, he did know one thing for certain: she was a ticking time-bomb.
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She felt she was doing well, given the circumstances. Her body felt exhausted, her eyes heavy, but she had managed to keep moving alongside the children for the day. If she were honest, the distraction was quite helpful to her. The children were innocent and full of joy, the happiness they radiated flowing over her as if it were just another day at the Von Trapp villa. Except she clearly knew it wasn't, the nagging darkness was digging in the pit of her stomach all day. She ignored it, refusing to let it make itself known, but it was incredibly heavy.
Gretl handed her a flower, and they all chatted as they walked about and explored the garden, the birds and flowers they were finding. Maria had always had a love for nature, and the children enjoyed when she knew the names of certain flowers or insects that they did not. She certainly didn't know many at all, but they were impressed.
As they walked she caught a glimpse of the gazebo, and she couldn't stop herself from staring, her legs stopping their movement. The gardener had a water hose out, presumably to clean up. She had been avoiding the area all day, but one look in a moment of unguarded weakness, and the rest of the chatter and sounds of the day melted away.
She swore she could see the small, dark stain of her own blood, even from the distance they were standing, and she felt a shudder at the memory of him hitting her face and dragging her body into the gazebo while she was nearly unconscious. She could still feel the rigid concrete against her skin, and she looked down to her feet, her bruised and scraped legs hidden by her stockings. The sound of his breathing in her ear made her jump, taking her aback as she could have sworn it was real in that moment. The hitch in his breath as he pumped into her body, gasping in pleasure and pressing her face into the concrete as she screamed from the pain.
"Stop!" She brought her hands to her head, tears falling down her cheeks as she began to shake uncontrollably. The children all stopped moving and stared, incredibly confused and concerned for their governess, who they had never seen act in a way that wasn't joyful and chipper. Liesl stepped forward, touching her arm.
"Fraulein Maria?" She jumped at the unexpected contact, withdrawing hastily. She met the girl's eyes, unsure of what she should say. Her body was still trembling, her face drenched with tears. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing, I…I'm sorry, children. I'm not…I, um, I'm having a strange day, that's all." She couldn't stop the tears, bringing her hands to her face to wipe them away. Suddenly, the Captain was at her side, presumably having watched the scene from the veranda.
"Fraulein, you're not well." It wasn't a question, he was making sure she knew she wasn't fooling him, even if she had been able to fool the children all day. He held out his arm, and she flushed as she accepted it, her hand resting safely in the crook of his elbow. Max was suddenly in the garden, apparently having been witness to her moment as well and realizing he could be helpful.
"Children, I must know the names of these lovely flowers you've been picking." Max approached them all, acting as if what they were doing was the most exciting thing in the world to him. Georg gave him a nod and a quick smile of appreciation as he led Maria toward toward the house. They passed the Baroness on the veranda, and he excused himself kindly, but all Maria could see was frustration. Clearly the woman was upset she hadn't run away the night before as planned.
"I'm sorry for my outburst, Captain…" She began speaking as he led her to his study, but he stopped her immediately.
"I've already told you, you are not allowed to apologize." He closed the door behind them as she walked further into the room, arms crossed over her chest. She was embarrassed, feeling the need to sink into herself.
"Yes, but I didn't mean to frighten the children."
"They will be fine. I'm sure Max has taken their minds on another adventure by now." She nodded, unbelieving, but accepting of his words for the moment. She knew she was going to have to think of a good explanation of her state for the children. She couldn't keep scaring them as she had. "Would you like to sit?"
"No, thank you. I really should get back to the children."
"Maria, please have a seat." His voice was gentle, but firm, leaving little room to argue. He gestured toward the sofa, and she took a deep breath before sitting upon it. He joined her after a moment, wishing she would meet his eyes. "I do think you need to try getting some sleep."
"I can't, it's impossible." She leaned forward and rested her elbows upon her legs, sighing. She would have loved to sleep, to feel rested, but she quickly found that closing her eyes only brought his memory to the forefront. His image was burned upon her eyelids.
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't even know what to say." He mirrored her position, trying to meet her eyes, but she continued to avoid his gaze.
"Say anything. Get it out of your head. Anything you say is safe with me, I hope you know that." She finally met his eyes quickly, hoping he didn't think she didn't trust him. On the contrary, he was the only man in her life she had ever been able to trust. He meant more to her than she dared admit.
"Oh, I do know that. Captain…"
"Please, use my name when we're talking like this." She nodded, appreciating his presence more than anything at the moment.
"I can't stop replaying it all in my mind. I need to keep myself occupied."
"Distracting yourself…"
"It will help for now." She interrupted, feeling her body shiver for one reason or another. She felt as if she were a constant bundle of nerves.
"What happened outside?"
"I saw the gazebo…oh, you're going to think I'm a crazy person." He shook his head, placing a hand upon her clasped fingers. She met his eyes once again surprised by the lack of formality in his gesture, but glad for the comfort it was bringing.
"I would never think that, especially after what you've endured." She looked to their hands, his skin warming her own. She seemed to constantly feel cold since her assault, but his presence melted her entire being.
"I keep hearing his voice…I know it's only in my head, but it feels so real, like it's right in my ear." She began to cry, shaking her head in frustration as she looked to the ground. "He said such awful things, Georg."
"Can you tell me?" His heart fluttered at the sound of his name falling from her lips, like music.
"No…I don't think I can." She bit her lip, closing her eyes.
"It's alright, you don't have to." She nodded, wiping her cheeks as she tried her best to calm her tears. He looked around a bit before standing and fluffing some pillows upon the sofa. "What if you tried to sleep here on the sofa while I work?"
"I couldn't possibly…"
"Why not? Max will bring the children in when they're called for supper. You have plenty of time to sleep, and I will be here to watch over you." She had to admit, it was quite tempting. Her inability to sleep after they returned from the hospital was stemmed by many things, but the fear of being alone was at the top of her list at the moment. But it certainly didn't feel proper to sleep in front of him.
"Sometimes I snore." He chuckled, pulling an afghan from the back of the sofa and shaking it out a bit.
"Me too, you're in good company." She bit her lip, the temptation and exhaustion finally getting the best of her. After a moment, she sighed and lay down upon the pillow he had fluffed for her, kicking off her shoes and curling up upon the sofa. He lay the blanket over the top of her, unable to stop himself from tucking her in like a child and pushing some hair from her forehead. "Are you comfortable?"
"Yes." He smiled softly and began to walk away, but he was stopped by her hand grasping his. He met her eyes, which were already beginning to fall closed. "I appreciate everything you've done for me, Georg. Thank you."
He smiled and patted her hand in response before she let go, cuddling into the blanket as he sat at his desk and began to work. She felt secure, safe within the confines of his study, and before she could even think, she fell into a deep sleep.
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Thank you all for the kind reviews and response to the first chapter! This story made me a little nervous to share, so I'm grateful for the warmth and support. Thank you!