Tales of the Island Symphony Chapter 2: Gag Reel, a legend of zelda fanfic

NOTICE: The following section is not canon. In fact, it is so not canon that it is not even semi-canon in the least. The following never happens in the Sky Lines universe, so get over it.

…

"Give me a hand," Link said. "If we wrap Sello in this, we can drag him."

"But… will you be all right?" Cale asked.

Link finished laying the sail flat on the sand next to Sello. "I haven't had to take the heat until now. I think I can make it."

Cale nodded, and they pulled Sello onto the sail and prepared to roll him in it.

Pfffuiit. Only having rolled Sello onto his side, Link and Cale immediately jerked away from him in surprise. Sello, with his back turned to them, started shaking. The boys exchanged glances.

And then Link told Sello with a defeated smile on his face, "You're unconscious; you're not supposed to be laughing." Cale burst into a silent fit of laughter and stumbled away from Link as if his legs were about to give out. Sello allowed his own laughter to become audible.

From nearby, Light, dressed in a green windbreaker suit and a baseball cap, hollered out, "Cut!"

…

Tale #2: "The (Fake) Gag Reel and Behind-the-Scenes Footage of the Sky Lines Production"

…

"I was just thinking the same thing," Link said. "But this feels a little more… distant."

"Yeah," Irleen said, "it does."

"Could all of the ruckus Crunchy made have opened up something in this area?" Cale asked.

"S'pose i' could," Bolen said as he stopped to examine the rock with his lantern. "Looks like jus' a layer of sedimentary."

"Sedimentary?" Cale asked as he and Link continued forward.

"The magnetite ah showed ya back there is igneous rock. Tha' was spa' up by the Moun'ain'a Fire when i' was active. Bu' sedimentary rock prob'ly go' washed down 'ere from the moun'ain's outside by wind or rain. Somethin' like tha'. I's where we find thin's like sal' 'n coal."

"Feel that?" Cale asked Link. "It's wahmeh heah."

"Careful, ya two," Bolen told them. "This stuffs' sof' rock, so i' can come loose pretty quickly."

Both boys suddenly stopped in place and glance around. "Uuuh…" Link droned as he turned back to Bolen.

Bolen turned and asked, "Wasn' they s'posed t' fall?"

Light nodded. "Yeah, they were supposed to…"

Link took three steps back down the tunnel. "Should we reset?" he asked as Cale started jumping in place behind him.

"Let's just take it back t—" Light began to say.

Shoof!

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Whumpf! Link immediately spun back to see with Bolen and the production crew that the trap door had triggered and dropped Cale into the pit below, leaving a cloud of dust in his place.

"Never mind," Light said as sniggering started up among the crew. "We'll reset. Cut!"

…

"You look like a smart boy," Gilliam told him.

"Th-thank you, saah," Cale replied with a shy smile.

"I hate smart boys!" Gilliam suddenly shouted at him, causing Cale to jump. However, Cale maintained his smile. Gilliam stared at him for a moment.

And then Gilliam broke into a smile that spread to the nearby cast. He looked over at Light and confessed with a chuckle, "I, uh… I kinda lost my train of thought."

"Cut!" Light called.

…

"You look like a smart boy," Gilliam told him.

"Thank you, saah," Cale replied with a shy smile.

"I hate smart boys!" Gilliam suddenly shouted at him. Cale snorted. "Are you laughing at me, Chuckles!? Nobody laughs at me! Nobo—pfft!" Gilliam suddenly latched a hand over his mouth and dared a glance in Light's direction. Part of the cast dropped their eyes to the deck to avoid allowing their grinning at Gilliam's break to be seen. The remains of a fit of laughter could be heard in Gilliam's voice as he told Link, "I think I—" BREEP! "—ed up again."

"No," Lawrence spoke up as he tried not to laugh, "Ya definitely—" BREEP! "—ed up again."

"Cut!" Light called. "C'mon, guys! We've got a rating to maintain!"

…

"Wipe that stupid look off your face, Smiley, before I-I shove my foot so far up your—" BREEP! "—ing ass, you'll need surgery to remove my boot from your-your—"

Gilliam finally had to abandon the line when he realized that not only had he botched the take by swearing, he could not figure out which organ he wanted to have said boot stuck in. Lawrence burst into laughter and had to turn away from him. Gilliam, as well as the nearby cast, broke into chuckles.

Lawrence turned back around and, with a mocking tone, asked while cupping a hand to his ear, "From me wha' now?"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

Alfonzo broke into a smile that quickly turned into a look of nostalgia. "Maybe… for just that one single moment. When you walked across that throne room and received your tunic from the princess. It's that sort of thing I'd spent fourteen years waiting for, Link. The kind of thing a father can be proud of."

One word hit Link with such a shock that he could not be sure he had heard it. His mystified stare prompted Alfonzo to smile brighter at him, something that the captain had never done before. Link finally managed to stutter, "Wh-wha-what?"

Alfonzo rolled away from Link for a moment. When he rolled back, he placed a paper bag over his mouth and nose and breathed nosily into it. The bag crinkled horribly as it expanded and contracted, the sound obnoxious. After a second, he said in a deep, muffled voice, "I am your father."

Link had already lost composure before Alfonzo spoke. He slipped off the side of the crate and onto the floor. With his voice cracking as he tried to keep from laughing aloud, he replied, "No. It's not true! That's impossible!"

Alfonzo, fighting his own fit of laughter, had to take a moment to compose himself before he could respond. "Sear-search your feelings," he told Link. "You know it to be true!"

Link collapsed to the floor. "I-I-I can't…" he tried to say before he succumbed to laughter.

"Cut!" Light called in frustration.

…

Sello stood next to his pile of crates in the Island Symphony's engine room. One hand rested on the nearest crate while the other held a bottle to his mouth as he took a swig. His eyes fell on the cameraman approaching him, and he finished his drink by pulling the bottle from his mouth with a pop.

"Dis iz whud it takes to get me ready," he told the camera in a casual voice. "Ah down two bottles o' wine juzza shoot a minute o' me talkin' like a idiot."

He then turned and heaved the bottle across the room. It shattered against the engine, raining glass shards nearby.

…

"Can' cater t' me, Cap'n. I 'eard wha' 'e did t' tha' boa' in 'Ovela."

Sello finished making a mess, having relieved the large bin of a third of its reserve. He jammed the shovel into the top of the bin and returned to the door, removing a tool from his belt. There were a couple of metal scrapes before the interior suddenly lit with flame, causing Sello to jump backwards. "Fire baaad!" he shouted in an indignant tone. Then he stepped out and shoved the door closed.

"The man's gonna kill us," Lawrence said in a flat tone. Link withheld his impulse to agree, and the effort caused him to smile instead.

Sello manipulated what appeared to be a few latches over the opening on the side of the door. Then, he moved over to a series of control levers on that same side of the engine.

Krrrnch! Sello looked down at his boots to find that he had stepped in a pile of broken glass. He stared at it. And then he pointed and asked the production crew, "Where'd dis glass come from?"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

"Line, stop the boat and find the wind!" Link snapped. Line, attempting to hide his own amusement, did not reply as he brought the throttle for the steam engine to a stop. Link offered his hand out to the princess as he asked, "What did we hit, Airman?"

"Not sure yet, sir," Flower replied. "I didn't see it until it already hit us, and I didn't get a good look at it."

"Here, let me help you," Link said when the princess stood and started dusting herself off. He started brushing her back.

His hand went lower than he meant, and in the next instant, the princess whirled on him. Her knee rose, and Link was back on the deck in seconds with his hands holding his crotch. He squeaked and rolled about in the hope that something would take away the pain.

Zelda gasped and covered her mouth with her hands. "Oh, no," she uttered. Then, in a louder voice, she turned to address the production crew. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I-I was supposed to slap him, wasn't I?"

"Heh. That was awesome," Line said from his position at the helm, a large grin decorating his face as he watched Link writhe.

"Cut!" Light called.

…

He did not think it was possible for people to suddenly lose complete color from their faces, but the princess's skin was slowly beginning to look like a fresh, white bedsheet. "H-how… how do you know that name?" she asked in a hushed voice. "Who… just who the hell are you?"

The break in diction stunned Link; he did not believe the princess was able to append sentences with "hell". It was one of the lesser profanities used by anyone except a member of the royal household. At least, he believed so.

With this and her sudden show of fear at the mention of the Smiling Gunner, Link felt like he had made a mistake. He took a step back. "I… I, uh…" he uttered.

The princess put on a determined look. And the depth of Link's mistake was realized when she hollered.

"Kniiiights! Knights, to my side! I demand knights!"

Link's breath caught in his throat at the sound of clanking armor. It must have been those knights he had passed by earlier. He was not sure what to do. Should he surrender and try to clear up—

"Use the Force, Link…"

Both Link and Glace's faces twisted in confusion as they looked down the hall at Zelda, who stood behind the cameras with a copy of the script covering her mouth. Their expressions then slowly molded into annoyance.

"Sorry," Zelda replied from behind the script. "Should I have said 'Triforce'?"

Light heaved a sigh before calling, "Cut!"

…

The elder led them down the main road. For what felt like a long time to Link, Zelda, and Flower, they walked past hundreds of different tables selling all kinds of items familiar and strange. For instance, one elderly Sorian sold baskets full of heart-shaped acorns, while another sold necklaces made with two different shades of pearl. A few here and there offered the kind of exotic jewelry Link had only glanced at in books while waiting in a business office. Then there were the tables which held the bare skulls of some creature Link had never seen before, incest larvae drenched in honey, and a colorful assortment of leaves on one end of a cone which spu—

Link glanced over at the crew. "Is something wrong with the narrator?" he asked. "That whole thing about larvae didn't sound right."

"Bite me," Light replied.

…

Sello stood in his lab with Link, Valley, and Irleen watching him. He held one of his mixing cylinders to his mouth, but instead of drinking from it (difficult considering that it was empty), he breathed over the top to produce a deep howl.

Then he told them in a thick voice, "If only ya knew da powah o' da dark side…" Valley snorted and placed a hand over her mouth, and Link and Irleen turned away to avoid looking at him while they came close to laughing out loud.

Light walked up from behind Sello and smacked him in the back of the head with a rolled-up copy of the script.

…

BROOP!

Irleen snorted. "Zelda's shit?"

Link broke out into a smile. "Zelda's shit!" he declared.

BROOP!

"I'm not wasting time anymore!" Link snapped, causing Irleen to back up a bit. "We've already spent a month wasting time, and for what!? I'm being hunted by my own company! They've got orders to shoot me down, Irleen! Twice! Twice, we could've been captured! And twice, we've had to deal with Cunimincus' crew! That makes four times we all could've died! What have we got to show for that!? We aren't any closer to finding the king and queen! And we're about to go down in the middle of a bunch of floating rocks because we're gonna run ourselves out of fuel! There are people suffering out there, Irleen! Suffering because we're doing everything the stupid way!" Link paused for a moment. "I suck, Irleen! I forgot my stupid line!"

BROOP!

"I'm not wasting time anymore!" Link snapped, causing Irleen to back up a bit. Then he froze with a glare on his face. "I'm not—I'm not—"

"Yes you are!" Irleen snapped back. The outburst broke Link's glare into barely restrained chuckling. "Stop wasting time, Link!"

BROOP!

"I'm not wasting anymore… shit!" Link snapped. He stamped on the deck in annoyance. "AaAAaaAAaagh!"

…

Link dropped his eyes to the deck. He had realized how stupid it was of him to have gone berserk the previous night. Everyone had gone to bed without another word about it. Even Leynne, who had helped him strap the cubes to the outside of the ship. "Oh," Link uttered. "That, huh?"

"I do not claim to have the cohrect grasp on how captains ah suppose to behave on a Skyrideh vessel," Leynne said. "It's considerably less than my undehstanding of a second-in-command. I do, howeveh, recognize when a pehson is behaving ehratically. Theh is a line wheh insanity ends and insanity begins. As—" He immediately stopped when both Link and Dholit turned away from him to avoid laughing at him. "That didn't make any sense, did it?"

BROOP!

"I do not claim to have the cohrect grasp on how captains ah suppose to behave on a Skyrideh vessel," Leynne said. "It's considerably less than my undehstanding of a second-in-command. I do, howeveh, recognize when a pehson is behaving ehratically. Theh is a line wheh insanity en—… wheh in—… oh, foh—" BREEP! "—'s sake!" Link fell to the deck laughing while Dholit gave him a smug grin.

…

The only change to the engine room was the addition of some sort of mechanical contraption attached to the front of the engine using a number of pieces Link thought looked suspiciously like parts from both the galley's stove and the wind generator. He noted that it was some sort of feed mechanism because Harley was just hurling a shovelful of coal into an open hopper on the top. It appeared necessary, as it looked as if someone had bolted shut the large door which Sello had originally loaded the fuel into.

"Whoop," Harley uttered when he saw the two enter. He knocked the hopper's top hatch closed with the shovel and set the shovel against the engine.

Krrnch! Harley, having stepped down to the deck, then glanced down at his feet to discover broken glass under his boots. "Where'd this glass come from?"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

Line, standing on the set for the top of the Tower of Spirits, held the Lokomo Sword in his hands. He glanced at the camera watching him and grinned.

Then he placed a hand over his mouth. "Pzzzzh!" he hissed through his finger. He then brandished the sword with both hands and swung it from side to side. "Vwuum! Vwuum! Vwuu-wuum!" His voice came out pinched and strange as he told the camera, "Beware of the dark side, you must. To hate, fear leads. Hate leads to anger. Anger… leads to suffering." He then swung the sword again. "Vwuuu—"

Pank. The end of the Lokomo Sword embedded itself into the rail surrounding the pedestal, and Line immediately let it go out of surprise. The Lokomo Sword remained stuck in the railing, wobbling slightly. Line looked back to the cameraman, who only shook his head (and the camera) at him.

Line then dashed off the set.

…

They got as far as the cargo hold before they both froze at the bottom of the stairs. Half of this response was caused by shock.

The other half was preservation instinct. They did not want Sello's flailing legs to hit them. WHUMP! Sello's body hit the deck like a dropped sack of potatoes. The only part of him that did not lay flat on the deck was his left arm. This was mostly because it was still in Layna's grip. Layna then twisted Sello's arm hard.

K-tack! Layna immediately dropped Sello's arm. The arm, appearing limp as a noodle, hit the deck at a strange angle, revealing that it had been popped out of its shoulder joint.

Layna placed her hands over her mouth. "'Inu mibathifak!" she cried out with panic in her voice. "Sillo 'Immaynd, 'inu mibathifak! 'Inu mibathifak!"

"Can someone call medical for us?!" Light called as some of the crew quickly gathered around Sello. Link and Biluf backed away, both appearing nauseated.

"Is dis my lasagna?" Sello asked as the stagehands picked him up from the floor.

"Sillo 'Immaynd, 'inu mibathifak!" Layna continued to chant as she followed the stagehands off the set.

Light turned to the camera and used a hand to make a kill gesture while saying, "Cut it."

…

Lore's face blanked. She stepped behind her assistant's desk, opened a drawer, and produced a pair of flintlock pistols. The sound of her cocking both weapons with her thumbs made all warmth leave Link's body. "You have to the count of 'five' to get your ignorant, slimy, no-good little ass out of my office before I put a lead round through your head," she told him in a calm voice. Link's eyes grew wide as she casually stepped around the desk with both pistols at her sides. "One."

"It-it's not wha—" Link started as he backed toward the door.

"Five!" Link spun and stumbled onto the floor as Lore raised one pistol.

Cink. Just the sound of the hammer striking the flashpan filled the room. Link looked over his shoulder at Lore. Lore brought the pistol down and aimed it toward her office. She pulled the hammer back again and fired. Cink. Looking annoyed, she turned to aim the other pistol into her office. Cink. Link snorted and rolled over as he started laughing.

"So does anyone wanna load my pistols?" Lore asked as she dropped both pistols on the desk.

"Cut!" Light called.

…

Still. She had to say something to express her concerns for the position she had chosen.

"You have a beautiful ass, Princess."

Zelda spun around and, with her free hand covering her bottom, cried out in embarrassment, "Dholit!"

"Cut!" Light called as Dholit fled laughing. "Someone find Bill; we need the chains again!"

…

"How does this girl know Captain Alfonzo?"

On that question, however, Link had to think for a moment. He had not meant for Princess Zelda's identity to be a secret. Surely, if Flower knew who she was, he would not bother with asking for permission to haul her back to the ship. So, he answered with the most honest response he could think of. "I-uh… I don't know," was what he told Flower with the unappended subtext "I don't know when Princess Zelda first met Captain Alfonzo".

Flower's face scrunched, making Link wish he had added a little more to his response. "Is she his daughter?"

"Ap—" Link started before he burst into laughter.

"What?" Flower asked in genuine confusion, looking up at the cameras. "What'd I say? Isn't that the line?"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

"Hold altitude!" Link snapped just before leaping over the rail. His foot caught the rail, and he flopped forward and—BAM!—landed hard on his stomach. Leynne rounded the end of the stairs to the forecastle, and Twali and Biluf dropped their nets to run to Link's aid.

Before Leynne could reach him, Link pushed himself up and was on his feet within seconds. "Link," Leynne said as he, the Gelto, and part of the production crew slowed their crowding of Link. "Ah you all right?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Link said as he stumbled past Leynne on his way to find the medics. "What hit me?"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

"It's the same thing!" Link shouted at him, partially in irritation and partially because Line's grip on his forearm had tightened. "Would you let me go? Look, guys. Yes, she's gorgeous and she's a great kisser, but I d—"

"What!?"

"You kissed her!"

"Link!"

"Na—why are you shouting at me!?" Link yelled at Irleen.

Line's hands left Link's arm. Link became more alarmed when Line suddenly grabbed the front of his tunic. "You mean you k—"

Line suddenly disappeared in a flash of black, and Link and Irleen immediately screamed, "LAYNA! NO!"

Tuk! Tuk tuk ttttt— Layna, Link, Flower, and Irleen watched as the dummy Line's head bounced along the ground, its hollow sound the only thing breaking the silence. Layna got up from the decapitated body and chased the head down while Link and Flower slapped their hands over their mouths to avoid laughing.

"Cut!" Light called as Layna raised the head in the air in triumph.

…

"I don't understand," Gilbert said. "How do you know all this?"

"Oh, Link!" Zelda exclaimed, causing him to jump in surprise. "Say 'The Triforce will be with you'."

Link placed a hand over his mouth just as he snorted. "Wha-what?" he asked as he glanced at Zelda standing behind the cameras.

"Zelda!" Light snapped as Zelda turned to hide the smile on her face. "Cut!"

…

"Is it the crew?" Link asked her. "Did something happen?"

Twali scrunched her face. Then she said, "Manak."

"Huh?" Link asked, tilting an ear toward her.

"Manak!" Twali shouted at him. Then she slapped the side of his head.

"Ow!" Link cried out.

Twali started and put her hands over her mouth. "'Inbathifak," she said as she gave the crew an embarrassed smile.

"Ooooow, Twali," Link whined as Twali began to lose to her restrained laughter. "You weren't supposed to hit me…"

"Cut!" Light called.

…

Link carefully placed the Lokomo Sword on the ground and slid the Bow of Light off his shoulder. He nocked an arrow and aimed downward at one of the Lizalfos. The arrow became a shard of light, and he fired it straight into the scalp of the Lizalfos on the right. The impaling caused the Lizalfos to seize before collapsing to the deck. The death caused the other Lizalfos to forget about Harley for a moment as it turned to check on its companion. Harley took the opportunity to switch his hold on the bottle and advanced toward the remaining Lizalfos. The Lizalfos only spotted Harley a split-second before Harley stabbed the broken glass into its pate. The bottle broke more, but the Lizalfos was stunned by the attack and backed away.

Krrnch! "AAAGH!" the Lizalfos cried out upon having glass shards penetrate the soles of its feet. It leapt away and landed on its rear nearby. Harley snorted and slapped his free hand over his mouth as the Lizalfos started pulling glass out of its left foot. "Nogh zogh bwevxhen jaxgh jexht bek!?" it shouted.

"Cut!" Light called. "Can we get that glass cleaned up!?"

…

Line picked up the baseball cap from the chair and placed it on his head. Then he turned to the camera. "I am Light!" he told the camera, shaking a finger at it. "You will do what I tell you!" He pointed at Link, who was just walking by the camera. "You, dive off that cliff!" He pointed to the opposite side at a makeup artist applying some last-minute changes to Zelda's face. "You! Kiss me! Now!" The makeup artist responded by showing him her middle finger. "You're not—" BREEP! "—ing listening to me!" Line then pointed back at the camera. "You, point tha—…" Line then froze when he noticed that the camera was not aimed at him.

He looked over his shoulder to find Light standing right behind him, sporting an irate glare. Line stared for a moment.

Then he took the ball cap off and carefully placed it on Light's head. He offered Light a grin that said "I know I'm busted, but I'm trying to be cute before you feel the need to wring out my neck". Light's face did not change.

So Line turned and ran away.

…

Luggard grinned and pocketed the money. "Well, looks like some o' yar worries is solved, Link."

Link clapped his mouth shut to get his vocal cords to work again. "Are you sure, Leynne?"

"Quite suh," Leynne said. "It says so in the script."

"Oh, no, of—pfft!" Link was only a second behind Luggard in laughing at Leynne's off-script line.

"Cut!" Light called.

…

Sello, Line, Leynne, and Cale stood with their arms around each other's shoulders and swayed as they sing on the set of the Rusty Boiler. Sello, Leynne, and Cale were drunk while Line, sober, appeared to be the one causing them to sway.

"How mush is that bottle in the window?

The one with the shiny cork.

How mush is that bottle in the window?

We can't even—" BREEP! "—ing rhyme!"

All four paused and looked at each other. The stagehands and the extras dressed as bar patrons turned to see if something had happened to them. Each one of the main actors shrugged and began singing again.

"How mush is dat bottle in da window?

The one with the shimmery glass.

How mush is dat bottle in the window?

We don't know this—" BREEP! "—ing song!"

Sello then slipped loose from Leynne and fell aside onto the floor. Leynne glanced down at him. Then he said to Line and Cale, "Okay. Sello's… down. We should-should get to wohk."

"I shall drive," Cale replied as he stumbled away from Line.

…

Zelda sported a glare on her face as she was marched toward Scaleblade with a Stalarmor fully dressed in armor and two bone-white Lizalfos flanking her. Behind her, the rest of Cunimincus' crew, as well as Leonard, Flower, Line, and a few members of Captain Koroul's crew, were struggling to maintain straight faces.

"Govehnoh Tahkin," Zelda addressed Scaleblade with a subtle amount of contempt in her voice. "I should have expected to find you holding Vadeh's leash. I recognized youh foul stench when I was brought aboahd."

Scaleblade sneered at her. "Ibwexgh," he commented. "Iht mebvaxgh." He reached a hand out and grasped her chin. "Mbeg bvax ngaoxgh poxgh kahxghva asu soxghvesht dantis haihven anexhen mbuxgh sowen."

Zelda jerked her chin from between his fingers. Then she quickly glanced down at her hand, where she had some written notes hidden in her palm. "I'm suhprised you have the courage to take responsibility youhself," she told Scaleblade.

"Luxghahl Liah, aviaxgh mbuxgh sahnkbixghihna, asu—" Scaleblade began.

"What are you guys doing?!" Light snapped. The outburst caused the characters in the background to lose composure.

"They put me up to it!" Zelda hollered, pointing to Line and Leonard.

"Cut!" Light shouted. BREEP! "—ing cut!"

…

Tale #2 of the Island Symphony – END

NOTICE: I repeat, the previous section is not canon with The Legend of Zelda: Sky Lines. If it was, I would've killed these idiots.