CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED TEN

"Mum, we've really gotta go."

"Oh, Samantha, where've you got to be on Christmas? We've only just finished supper," Sammy's mother said.

Sammy huffed at her mum. She needed to go to check on Jane like she promised Sarah she would. Sarah's step-dad had decided that they were going to have Christmas at his parents' that year. Sammy had already given Jane a ring, but no one had picked up. So, either Jane and her father were having an exceptionally nice chat over their dinner, or something was wrong.

"Actually, Mrs. Gilmore, my parents were hoping Sammy'd come over. They've gotten her a couple gifts," said Dan, who had had dinner with Sammy's family.

Mrs. Gilmore pursed her lips in thought, but she wasn't going to be the mother that said "no" to the charming boyfriend. She sighed.

"Well, you can at least help with the dishes first."

Sammy rushed through washing the dishes before kissing her mother on the cheek and running out to jump into Dan's car. She couldn't wait until she turned seventeen herself and could get her own licence.

"Step on it," she said, and Dan shook his head as he started his car.

"I'm sure she's fine, Sammy," Dan said as he backed out of the driveway. "After all, it's Christmas. I'm sure her dad's not that much of a tosser."

"I hope he's not," Sammy said, leaning against the window.

Of course, when it came to the subject of Jane's dad, it was best not to hope for anything, which was something Jane needed to seriously learn. When they'd finally arrived in front of Jane's house, they just sat there for a minute.

"His car's gone," Sammy said, staring at the driveway.

Dan turned the engine off.

"Well, maybe they went somewhere, like to visit some family or something."

Sammy shook her head.

"Jane hasn't got any more family."

"Really?" Dan asked, feeling progressively sorrier for Jane by the second.

"Really," Sammy said bitterly before opening the car door.

The pair of them walked up the front steps and knocked on the door. After getting no response, they knocked again.

"Maybe they really did go somewhere," Dan said after getting no response again.

Sammy put her face to the window, trying to peer through the blinds.

"The kitchen light's on back there," she said, knocking on the door again.

Once again, no response.

Sammy tried the door, and it was unlocked.

"Oh, Jane," Sammy said when she spotted the girl on the couch holding a bottle of liquor.

Jane looked at Sammy as she knelt beside the couch before letting out a drunken laugh.

"I thought you were my dad, and I was thinkin' of ways to explain this," she slurred, waving the bottle around.

Jane took a swig of the drink and wiped her mouth with her sleeve, spilling some of the alcohol on herself.

"Course, it's pretty fuckin' stupid of me to think he'd come home tonight. I mean, he said he had errands to run…but who the fuck has errands to run on Christmas?"

"She's pissed out of her mind," Dan said.

"You're damn right I am," Jane said loudly before laughing again. "You know, I cooked all day—even fuckin' burned myself on a skillet. But no, when it was supper time, he wasn't back yet. S-so I waited for a couple o'hours, but you know—you know my dad didn't fuckin' show up.

"Found this in his office," she said holding up the bottle. "You know, I don't—I don't ever actually go in his office, but I did today, and you know, he's got a lot of alcohol hidden in there. I figured he wouldn't know if some of it went missin'. Happy fucking Christmas to me, right?"

"Okay, Jane," Sammy said, "you're just gonna come stay with me tonight, all right?"

"No. No, s'not all right," Jane slurred. "None of this s'all fuckin' right. And I-I'm gonna tell him. When he gets home, I'm gonna tell him."

"Not when you're like this, okay?" Sammy said, trying to coax the bottle out of Jane's hand.

"Don't-don't fuckin' touch me," Jane said, pulling away from Sammy and standing up, swaying a little as she did.

"You don't get it," Jane accused. "You all had a nice Christmas. You all got to spend it with your family—hell, even Jackson's fuckin' dad is spendin' Christmas with him, and you know where-where my dad's at?"

Jane swayed and almost fell back onto the couch, but she caught her balance. She dropped the bottle and it rolled across the floor, spilling a line of alcohol as it did.

"Well, I don't know where he's at, but he's not here. And I'm gonna tell him off for it," she said angrily, her voice getting louder. "I'm gonna tell him how fuckin' shitty it is that he didn't come home on fuckin' Christmas!"

Jane fell back onto the couch, crying now. Sammy sat down beside her and cautiously pulled her into a hug.

"Even Jackson's dad is with him," Jane repeated through sobs, not understanding why her own father didn't want to spend time with her.

"It's gonna be okay, Jane," Sammy said, stroking her hair soothingly. "It's gonna be all right."

"Jane."

Jane jumped a little in her seat as she was startled out of her daze.

"You all right?" Will asked, putting an arm around her.

Jane smiled a small smile at him and relaxed into his side.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she said.

She hadn't told him about Christmas yet. Mostly, it was because Jarod and Brenton were in the compartment with them. Also, she knew the first thing that Will or anybody else was going to ask would be what she had said to her father after that. Jane didn't want to have to tell Will or her friends that she had done absolutely nothing about it.

Sammy had taken her back to her house, and the rest of the holiday, Jane rarely went home except to grab fresh clothes. She had tried to tell him off for it on the ride to London. She had asked him where he'd been and said that she'd made this big dinner. All he had said was he had been busy and that next time he wouldn't miss it. That had been the end of the conversation because she had chickened out.

She had meant to yell at him, tell him how much it had hurt her. She had certainly had no problem telling her mum off when she had been alive. Then again, maybe that was the problem. Jane didn't want to lose him one day and have all that guilt hanging over her for a second time.

Will leaned down a bit and placed a small kiss on her cheek.

"Sure you're okay?" he asked quietly.

Jane smiled and nodded before stretching and standing up.

"I'm going to the loo; I'll be back in a bit."

Jane grabbed her purse and left the compartment. She walked down the aisle towards the small bathroom and locked the door behind her before opening the window just a little. Pulling a cigarette out, she leaned against the sink and sighed.

Jane didn't like smoking in front of Will; she knew that he didn't particularly care for it. He hated the smoke when it wafted around him, and he'd always tell her that he wished she'd stop—that she was going to make herself sick—and she did try. She had actually cut back a lot.

Sirius liked to tease her about it. He also made quitting difficult for her, smoking a cigarette in front of her whenever he got the chance, blowing the smoke in her face. He was such a tosser. Jane could only imagine how insufferable he was going to be once he found out about Christmas—if he found out. She really didn't know if she was going to tell any of her friends yet.

Jane flushed the butt of her cigarette down the toilet and made her way out of the bathroom. About halfway down the aisle, Jane spotted Lena Howard sitting by herself in a compartment and staring out the window. The compartment door was already opened, and Jane tapped on it a bit.

"You all right?" Jane asked when Lena turned to look at her.

"What's it to you?" Lena sneered, and Jane, who had been wondering where all of Lena's friends were, didn't have to wonder anymore.

"Sorry I asked," Jane mumbled, turning around.

Lena sighed.

"Wait, I…didn't mean to say it like that."

Jane turned back, and Lena gave this sort of pained expression that Jane guessed was supposed to be a kind of smile.

"You can sit down if you want," Lena said.

Jane looked down the aisle towards the door of her own compartment and shrugged. It wouldn't kill Will to miss her for a few more minutes. She took the seat across from Lena, and she immediately regretted it. She was sitting alone in a compartment with a girl who, over their six years together in school, she had spoken to about twice.

Lena was also by now visibly pregnant. Was Jane supposed to ask about her baby? Or was that considered rude? What was the proper social etiquette on teenage pregnancy anyway?

"So," Lena started, "you still dating what's-his-name?"

"Will MacGregor," Jane corrected. "Yeah, I am."

"It's funny. After last year, I thought you'd end up with Black."

"Sirius doesn't date. As it should be. He'd be a terrible boyfriend," Jane said, laughing a bit. "He doesn't know how to love anybody."

"You have no clue, do you?" Lena said.

Jane didn't know what Lena meant by that, but it was making her uncomfortable.

"So," Jane started, trying to change the subject, "are you dating—"

Jane stopped herself. That was a stupid question. Oh, Merlin, she was an idiot.

Lena kind of laughed caustically.

"Nobody wants to date a pregnant girl," she said, shaking her head. "Hell, half my friends are talking about me behind my back these days. And why shouldn't they? I don't even know who the father is."

Lena added the last part quietly, and Jane looked down at her hands awkwardly and frowned.

"That doesn't give them the right," Jane said.

Lena shrugged.

"I don't really care anymore. I have bigger things to worry about nowadays, like how I'm gonna finish school and how I'm gonna raise a baby. I don't have the luxury of worrying about petty school drama started by people who have nothing better to say than, 'You'd think for a Ravenclaw she'd be smarter than that,' as though only stupid people make mistakes."

Jane's eyes wondered around the compartment before checking her watch. She wasn't sure why she had thought this was a good idea; it was very uncomfortable. She and Lena didn't talk; they had absolutely nothing in common. They ran in completely different social circles, and the last time Jane checked, she wasn't even so sure that Lena liked her very much.

"Well, I better get back to Will," Jane said, looking at her watch again. "He'll be wondering where I am. There's some room in our compartment if you wanna join."

Jane felt like she had to say this, like it was the courteous thing to do. Really, she knew that if Lena had said yes, then the rest of the train ride would have been spent in strained conversation and uncomfortable silence. And of course, Jane really hoped that she declined.

"Thanks, Hensworth, but these days I kind of prefer my own company."

That was good enough for Jane, so she said a quick goodbye and went back to her own compartment. Jarod and Brenton were caught up in their own conversation, and Jane took her seat beside Will.

"You smell like smoke," Will whispered to her when she cuddled up beside him.

Jane smile sheepishly.

"Sorry."

Will let out a little laugh, and buried his nose in her hair.

"It's okay. You also kinda smell like flowers."

"Ah, the wonders shampoo will do," Jane teased, spreading her fingers over his own before interlocking them.

"Are you sure you're all right?" Will asked again.

Jane nodded.

"Yeah, I'm just tired."

It wasn't a complete lie; she was actually tired, and she slept the rest of the ride to Hogwarts. But she had still been thinking about Christmas. And when she woke up, it was still on her mind. And throughout dinner, it was still on her mind. And even as she sat around the fireplace in the common room with Will and the boys, she was still thinking about it, and it was eating away at her. She kept getting progressively more disappointed and angry with herself for not really doing anything about it. When was she finally going to make her father realise that he was hurting her? Or then again, maybe she was just scared that if she did tell him, he wouldn't actually care. That wasn't something she was prepared for.

They all decided to go up to their dorms around the same time. Jane said goodnight to the boys, and Will wrapped his arms around her before giving her a goodnight kiss and nudging his forehead against hers lightly.

"Are you sure nothing's wrong? You've just been so quiet all day; it's not like you."

Jane scoffed a little and then laughed.

"Are you saying I talk a lot?"

"I'm saying that I think you've got something on your mind."

Jane forced a little smile as she traced the pattern on his sweater with her fingers.

"I'm fine, Will. I've just been really tired today."

She looked up at him, and she could tell that he didn't believe her even though he never said it. He just leaned down and kissed her again. It was longer and sweeter than the first kiss. And for that moment, Jane forgot that she was upset about anything.

"Goodnight."

Jane sort of reluctantly let go of Will and watched as he disappeared up the boys' stairwell. She turned to go grab her purse from the couch.

"What are you still doing down here?"

"Curiosity."

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that curiosity is what killed the cat?" Jane asked.

Sirius smirked.

"Good thing I'm not a cat."

"What do you want?"

"To know what's wrong with you."

Jane shook her head.

"Nothing."

"Really? Because I've made at least five smart-arse comments to you, and you've yet to say anything sarcastic all night."

"I'm sorry; I'll try to be wittier next time," Jane said sarcastically before picking up her purse.

"That's a little better, but seriously, what's wrong with you?" Sirius asked.

"Why do you and Will keep asking me that?"

"Because we know something's wrong. But I, unlike MacGregor, am not so easily satisfied by shitty answers like, 'I'm just tired.'"

Jane rolled her eyes.

"Goodnight, Sirius," she said, turning to leave.

"Just talk to me."

There was something in his voice that made her stop, and she was a bit irritated. He was always pushing things. Things that, given time, she would just get over by herself eventually.

"Why?"

"Because I've seen how you get when something's hurting you. You let it eat at you until it controls you, and I don't want you to get like that again—no one does," Sirius said.

"I'm not gonna—"

"Janie, it's just one question. Why's it so hard for you to answer?"

"Because it's none of your business, why don't you get that?"

"I do. I don't like it very much, but I do understand that it is none of my business," he said. "But I also know that talking about things is a lot healthier than keeping it all bottled up. It's—"

"He didn't come home."

"Huh?" Sirius asked.

"My dad," Jane blurted out. "He left Christmas morning and didn't come home all day. And I spent Christmas alone."

"Your dad's an arsehole," Sirius stated. "Now, was that so hard to tell me?"

"And I didn't say anything to him, because I'm a coward," Jane added quietly.

"You shouldn't have had to," Sirius told her. "He should've known that that would've hurt you."

"I know," Jane said, tears starting to prick her eyes. "It's just sometimes, I really don't think he cares at all."

Sirius walked over to her and placed his hands on her shoulders.

"This Easter, we're going over there, and we're getting your things, and we're gonna go to James'. You're not staying there anymore—"

"I can't!" Jane said in a constricted voice.

"Yes, you can," Sirius argued, and Jane shook her head and backed away from him before wiping her nose on her sleeve and sniffling.

"I-I can't," she repeated quietly, more to herself than to Sirius. "He's my dad."

"He is hurting you, Janie," Sirius said.

Jane's face contorted as she tried not to cry.

"I know," she said.

"He is going to keep hurting you."

Jane's bottom lip started to quiver, and she bit it to try and make it stop. She squeezed her eyes shut as she started to cry. When she opened them again, she looked at Sirius and with a shaky voice, barely over a whisper, said:

"I know."