Tales of the Island Symphony

by Light Onthemayo

With Cunimincus and his demonic crew gone, the search is on again for Irleen's home. The following stories have NOTHING to do with that search. This is a series featuring the crew of the Island Symphony at their looniest (mostly), detailing events that may or may not have happened during and after Sky Lines.

14. Knights of Ages Ago

NOTICE: The following is ambiguously canon. It may have happened. Or it may not have. In which case, we can only be grateful.

…

Tale #14: Knights of Ages Ago

The table was set with snacks and extra pencils just as she had requested. She believed that she had collected the necessary texts, but she had others as well as extra copies sitting on a nearby bench in case her visitors had misunderstood her instructions; she was sure she could make adjustments as necessary. After shooing out the staff, she sat at the head of the table and looked over her notes. She did not know why she was looking at her notes again; she had committed everything to memory so that she could run the meeting much more smoothly. Perhaps it was a case of nerves. This was the first time she had attempted anything like this.

A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. With a quick movement, Zelda was out of the chair and waiting next to it as she called out, "Come in."

The main doors on the opposite side of the room parted, opened from the other side by some of the castle staff. The people entering were the few of the Island Symphony's crew that she had expected to join her and maybe one she did not realize had shown interest in this particular event. Of those she had expected, Cale and Irleen had arrived. Link must have been detained, but it seemed that at least Line had showed up, if for other interests. Lilly was an unexpected delight; it would make her feel a little less like the only girl in the room. Dholit was just plain unexpected. Being a devotee of rather unspeakable interests, her presence amazed Zelda.

Still, she was an addition to the event, so Zelda embraced the idea as she told her visitors, "Welcome to my home. I am delighted you all could make it."

"It is ouh pleasuah to have been invited, Youh Highness," Cale replied as he strode forward. He offered out an envelope and said, "Captain Link sends his apologies. Paht of a shipment of wines from the west disappeahed from ouh hold, and the ship is cuhrently being inspected foh theih wheahabouts."

"I am sure it was just a misunderstanding," Zelda replied as she accepted the envelope.

"The rest of us are sure Chief Sello had something to do with it," Line replied as the rest of the group crossed the room. Lilly nudged him, and he started as he realized something. "Your-Your Highness."

"Innocent until proven guilty," Zelda recited. "And please, let us not worry about the formalities today. Just call me Zelda."

"Ye-yeah, sure," Line replied, his face turning scarlet as he looked down at his feet.

"Are you all ready?" Zelda asked.

"You bet," Lilly said, holding up a folder. "It took us all mornin' to make these."

"Excellent! Please, please, take a seat." As they moved to claim chairs around the head of the table, Zelda asked, "Oh, Irleen. Were you able to construct a page for yourself?"

"Cale helped me with the words and all," Irleen replied. "I can roll the smaller dice, but I can't pick up the d20; its edges are too smooth."

"I am certain we can accommodate you."

"No need; that's what Line's condition is for coming."

"You know," Line quickly spoke up, one hand raised in a dismissive wave, "not like I actually need to be drafted into doing this, Your Highness."

"Whatever," Irleen said as she circled his head. "Link still suckered you into coming."

"Be nice," Line threatened her, "or your character is toilet paper."

"Might I sit next to you, Youh Highness?" Dholit asked, placing a hand on the back of a nearby chair before Line could grab it. "I feel that I would benefit greatly if you would pehmit me this one act of greed." Line gave her a sour look as he moved to the next chair.

"Uh… certainly," Zelda said as she sat, confused as to what benefit Dholit might gain.

"Poor Line," Irleen cooed in a soft voice.

"Shut up…" Line moaned back as he sat down.

Zelda picked up her divider and carefully placed the three-folded board so that others could not see her notes. "Okay," she said with a sigh. "Are we ready?" There were nods around the table. "Would you introduce your characters to each other? Cale, please?"

"Oh," Cale said as he glanced down at his sheet. "Okay. My charactah is Fahgo, uh… he is a wizahd bohn on Death Mountain and imbued with the mystic powah of Goh Dorongo, and he specializes in fiah and rock magic. Um… he is seeking the rolf of Bazladane and has traveled almost all of the wohld in his seahch."

"Okay, okay," Line spoke up. "What is a 'rolf', and why does the wizard want it?"

"A rolf," Cale repeated as if it was obvious. Line continued to give him a confused look. Cale motioned as if to throw a blanket onto his shoulders. "A rolf. It's like a mystical cape."

"Why can't you just say it's a cape then?"

"Wha—because it's a rolf."

"Just call it a stupid cape!"

"Line!" Irleen whined. "Just shut up!"

"Just call a cape a cape!" Line retorted. "Capes are cool! Just call it that!"

Zelda sat surprised for a moment. Then she cleared her throat just as Irleen began to say something else. "Excuse me," she interrupted. "I would rather we get to the game rather than bicker." Line had closed his mouth and turned a pouting look away from the group. "Irleen, your character, please."

"Right," Irleen said. Then she took a moment to blow a short raspberry at Line. Line glanced at her before turning over the character sheet in front of him. Irleen began, "My character is Keith. He is a ranger of Triggoroth with specialties in evasion and added damage."

Line clapped his hands together and began reading in a girlish voice, "'He has shimmery blond hair cropped to his neck and brilliant blue orbs that shone like the ocean in midday. His skin is a balance; not too pale, but not too tanned, either, providing a sporting complexion for his lineage. He wears a green tunic over a pair of pristine white tights and carries his sword across his back like an expert huntsman.'" Smiles were quickly hidden around the table. Even Zelda had to duck behind her divider. Line shot Irleen a smug look and accused her, "You based your character on Link?"

"Does that even sound like Link?" Irleen asked him, her tone indicating annoyance.

"I was holding back my puke just having to look at it!" Line told her.

"Line," Zelda spoke up, a hand covering her mouth. "Please let her finish."

"Thank you," Irleen told Zelda. "He is searching for h—"

"'He is searching for the long lost home of his ancient bloodline and the girl he knows is waiting for him there'," Line recited in the same girlish voice. Lilly finally burst out a laugh and quickly buried her face against the table with her arms smothering the sound.

"Line!" Irleen whined.

"Oh, Ihleen, no need to be embahrassed," Dholit said as she gave a dismissive wave with one hand. "I naturally entahtained ideas of imitating ouh beloved captain as well. Why, I would be suhprised if one of us had neglected to mention ouh adohed leadah in this game."

"C'mon, we're off-duty for most of the day!" Line whined. "Can't we just forget about him?"

Zelda closed her eyes for a moment as she tried to regain control of herself. When she opened them, she found all five other occupants of the table staring at her. So she gave a sigh and said, "Line, I think we all would appreciate if your inclination toward outbursts would discontinue while we play."

"Oh, well, I-uh… what?" Line stammered.

"She's telling you to shut up," Irleen told him.

"Ah—" Line began before clapping his mouth shut. Instead, he nodded and reached to the pile of dice next to his spot.

"Lilly?" Zelda prompted, relief crossing her face.

"Okay!" Lilly said with an enthusiastic grin. "I am Brunhildestine, the half-Goron, half-Moblin axe-woman." She noticed the pained look on Cale's, Line's, and Zelda's faces. Dholit only tilted her head. "I was goin' for a few racial points. I can forge my own weapons!"

"I am… done asking questions," Line replied.

"Well, it's gonna sound weird if ya think about it!" Lilly snapped at him.

"It doesn't sound strange at all," Dholit told her with a grin.

Line stared at her for a moment. Then he grabbed the arms of the chair and jumped it sideways away from her. "I really don't like sitting next to you," he commented.

Lilly forcefully cleared her throat. "She is looking for the ultimate materials to make the ultimate sword," she continued. "She knows what she needs, but she doesn't know where to find them."

"Thank you, Lilly," Zelda said. "Dholit?"

"Ah, yes," Dholit said as she turned her character sheet over. "My name is Anyal the Great Beloved. I love all in the daylight, but, at night, I slip about the shadows in seahch of those who would daah wrong me. I dress in all black to emphasize my natuah, skin-tight to accentuate my lithe figuah. I have blades and needles galoah. And I seek one who will fill the emptiness in my soul, who will soothe my yeahning foh that one pehson I will nevah kill."

Eyes passed back and forth around Dholit. Finally, Line spoke up, "Can I hide under the table for the rest of the day?"

"No," Irleen replied immediately. "You have to sit up here and be awkward with the rest of us."

Zelda looked down and willed the warmth in her face away. Then she sighed and told the group, "Okay. You all start in the village of Orican. In fact, most of you are relaxing in a tavern near the town square. What are you doing?"

"Ah theah any men in this tavehn?" Dholit asked.

"It is the middle of the day," Zelda told her. "The only other person in the tavern is the barkeeper. He is fast asleep behind the bar."

"Aw. Ah theah women neahby?"

Zelda gave her a confused look. "Um… y-yes, the aforementioned Brunstine."

"Brunhildestine," Lilly corrected.

"Hm," Dholit hummed. "Pehhaps anothah time." She picked up a red, twenty-sided die and regarded it for a moment. "I would like to wake the bahkeepah."

"Okay," Zelda said. "The barkeeper wakes and asks in a surly voice, 'What do you want?'."

"I wish to seduce the bahkeepah."

"Uh oh…" Irleen mumbled.

Zelda stared stunned at Dholit for a moment. Then she turned to Cale and asked, "That constitutes a defensive roll, correct?"

"Yes," Cale replied.

"I have not made note of the barkeeper's parameters."

Cale nodded. "The easiest thing to do is roll foh parametahs as you need them and note them down just in case. It should help you decide which charactahs should be prepahed in the futuah. She is using haah Seduction skill, and that is countahed by the wisdom parametah and the Will save."

"Okay," Zelda said as she picked out five of the six-sided dice in her pile. She rolled them onto the table. Five, four, three, two, and two. She jotted down a "16" and marked it "Wisdom", and then "+3" and labeled it "Will". "Okay then, Dholit. Please roll."

Dholit dropped the die on the table. "Eighteen!" she declared. "That makes my roll total thihty-three."

"Thirty-three?!" Lilly, Zelda, and Irleen cried out.

Cale rose and leaned over the table to get a better look at Dholit's sheet. "Why do you have a base Seduction of fifteen?" he asked.

"I believe I had appropriately distributed my skill points," Dholit said as she looked at her sheet. "Five points to a skill my assassin does not have and ten modifiah points from my Charisma parametah."

"You rolled a thihty on a parametah!?" Cale cried out.

Lilly, covering her eyes with a hand, groaned, "She did."

"I cannot defeat that," Zelda pointed out. "At best, I may roll a twenty-three."

"Well, don't wohry," Cale said as he sat back down. "You can use critical rules."

"Critical rules?" Zelda asked. "I do not recall reading about those."

"They'h mainly rules devised by the gamemastah foh cehtain rolls," Cale explained. "Some of the original rules allow foh increased damage foh rolling the maximum on a d20 oh foh self-inflicted damage if the playah rolls a one. But quite a few of the games I've played and witnessed use additional rules to augment one playah's single-handed control of the game. It comes to this: foh a twenty on the die, the outcome exceeds the general rules to a highly-favohed, game-changing event while a one on the same die results in the wohst possible catastrophe that the gamemastah can envision. By this system, it is possible to affect a soht of playah restraint."

Zelda gave an intrigued hum as she considered the d20 in her hand. Then she nodded and said, "I should like to administer these critical rules."

"As you wish, Youh Highness," Dholit said as she leaned back in her chair, arms crossed. "I think I will enjoy seeing what you can do to combat my superioh roll."

Zelda rolled.

And then she fell silent, staring at the die before her.

"I rolled a one," she finally uttered.

"Oh, no…" Cale groaned, one hand covering his eyes in the same manner as Lilly.

"Splendid!" Dholit cawed, steepling her fingers over her chest.

"What shall I do?" Zelda asked.

"Well," Dholit said as she let the chair clap loudly against the floor in her motion to sit up straight. "I might assume, at the very least, that I have now seduced the bahkeepah to do as I will."

"This is true…" Zelda mumbled.

"One might even suggest that my seduction was so successful that he is completely devoted to me."

Zelda nodded. "That seems to be a reasonable assumption."

"So much so that his will is well within my clutches, and he cannot defy me oh plot against me even weah I to mistreat him."

"Are you seducing this guy or enslaving him?" Line asked.

"I think Dholit treats it as the same thing," Irleen pointed out.

Zelda sighed and resigned the barkeeper to his fate. Putting on a narrator's tone, she told Dholit, "The barkeeper is so enamored with your natural beauty and domineering presence that he can do nothing but stare at you with divine worship in his eyes." Then she wrote next to the barkeeper's single stat "Dholit's slave".

"O-o-oh, Princess," Dholit cooed. "Let us not lose ouhselves in such emotional wohdplay. You might staht someone you might not finish."

"What," Lilly asked in a flat voice.

Zelda gave an audible sigh and, with her eyes closed and her face turned toward the middle of the room, told Dholit, "I think we should like it very much if you would keep this vulgarity-laden tongue of yours to a more civilized level for the remainder of the game. You are making people uncomfortable. Now that you have the barkeeper, I gather that you have some sort of plan with him."

Dholit's smile oozed so much smug that Zelda must have felt it on some level before looking at the older woman once more. "I do, Youh Highness," Dholit told her. "I wish that the bahkeepah would tuhn ownahship of the tavehn to me."

Zelda gave pause so that Dholit could see the confused look on her face. Then she said with more sarcasm than she intended, "By mysterious circumstances, the barkeeper has seen fit to keep his title to the tavern, as well as a prepared quill, underneath the bar. With little regard for his own future, he signs his name to the title and gives it to you."

"Delighted," Dholit told her, her grin widening. "I would now like him to find the most affectionate and beautiful women he knows and bring them back to the tavehn."

Zelda glanced at Cale with worry prevalent on her face. "Seahch with the Intelligence parametah," Cale said with a sigh.

"Yes, well," Zelda said even as she picked up the dice to roll the parameter, "be that as it may, it will still take him time to search for the women you desire. In the meantime, is there anyone else who would like to take action?"

Looked passed around the table. "I feel we're all too shocked at what just happened," Lilly told Zelda.

Zelda frowned for a moment. Then she said, "Okay, then, roll for Listening." Cale, Lilly, Dholit, and Line (in place of Irleen) picked up their twenty-sided dice. Zelda also picked up a die to roll the base number.

"Twenty-three," Cale said after adding his four-point modifier.

"Twenty with my two pointzza Listenin'," Lilly said, trying not to grin.

"Three," Line said.

"Wai—that's all?!" Irleen snapped at him. "I didn't make my ranger deaf!"

"Look, you're lucky I can read numbers at all!" Line snapped back.

"Well, what numbers are next to my Listening skill!?"

Line took a moment to look at the sheet. "Well, the biggest number on the line is eight," he told her.

"Then I rolled an eleven," Irleen told Zelda.

"Whatever."

"Fifteen," Dholit said after double-checking her three-point modifier.

Zelda rolled. Then she shook her head. "You all hear someone trying to call for attention outside," she told them. "His voice apparently carries quite well."

"What did you roll?" Cale asked.

This caused Zelda to sigh. "Six. I rather expected it to be a little harder, but it appears that this tavern is actually not too far from the fountain in the center of the village."

"Did anyone else hear that?" Irleen asked.

"Hear what?" both Line and Zelda asked at the same time.

"Huh?" Irleen looked back and forth at both of them. "N-no, that was role-playing. I-I rolled the lowest number, so I'm… I'm sorta the one who didn't hear it as clearly."

"Oh, you were in-character," Zelda realized.

"Have you… not done this very often, Youh Highness?" Cale asked.

"Actually… this is the first time I've done this with others," Zelda admitted. "I know most of the game's mechanics, but I am afraid that I have little experience with other players."

"Ah, well," Cale said, "the ideal paht of the game is acting out youh charactah's actions in some mannah. I've known people to stand and physically take action, but…" He looked around at the room. "I would think that voicing ouh charactahs would be sufficient in this setting."

"Oh," Zelda said, intrigue coloring her voice. "Very well, feel free to discuss your decisions in-character."

"Yes, of coahse," Cale said. He cleared his throat and told Irleen, "It seems that some man in the streets is shouting."

"Did we heah what was being shouted?" Dholit asked.

"So far, all you know is that the voice was calling people to come and listen," Zelda responded. "There is a growing crowd outside."

"Pahhaps we should join them," Lilly suggested. Her change in dialect attracted attention from the rest of the group, causing them to stare at her. "What?"

"What the hell was that?" Line asked.

"Oh, I wanted my axe-womanna sound like she was sophisticated, so I was usin' Cale's accent," Lilly explained.

"That…" Cale began. Then he asked Line, "Is that how I really sound?"

"No, you're usually pretty whiny," Line replied. "That sounded like you suffering from food poisoning."

"Line!" Irleen snapped. "Be nice."

"Hey, he walked right into it!" Line snapped back.

"Be that as it may," Zelda spoke up, "we shall not have any more bickering over characters. We've spent too much time arguing as it is." Line huffed and leaned forward to rest his chin on the table.

Cale cleared his throat again. "Yes, well, pehhaps we should listen to Brunhildestine's suggestion and investigate," he said to the group.

"Suck-up," Line muttered toward Cale. This attracted an irritated look.

Irleen glanced down at Line's head. "Tool," she hissed at him. Then, as "Keith", she said, "Agreed. Let's go take a look." Irleen glanced at Dholit. "Are you coming, Anyal?"

Anyal heaved a bored sigh. "I suppose I should," she said. "Without my new bahkeepah, it is rathah difficult to keep entahtained at this point."

"So you're all agreed?" Zelda asked. After the group nodded (with Irleen indicating yes by fluttering up and down), she glanced down at her notes. "All right. All four of you step outside to find a large crowd gathered around a dried-up fountain that sits in the middle of the town. Upon its dead form stands a man in armor with a company of armed soldiers standing in ranks and files on the street behind him. He is looking around as the villagers gather. When he finds the crowd sufficient, he unrolls a scroll and reads.

"'By proclamation of King Karrot the Twenty-Eighth, foreigners shall no longer be allowed within the kingdom of Vegan. Foreigners currently in the kingdom will be expelled. Foreigners who resist will be executed on the spot, as will countrymen who give aid to any foreigner.'"

"Doesn't sound so bad," Line commented. "What are 'foreigners'?"

This caused looks to cross the table once again. "Um…" Cale spoke up. "Ostensibly… a foreignah is a pehson from anothah country."

Line nodded. "Okay, I think I can follow that," he said. "What's a 'country'?"

Cale opened his mouth but found that the seeming stupidity behind the question left him unable to speak. So he clapped his mouth shut and turned to Lilly. Lilly caught his look and gave a sigh. "Line, you know all the islands in the sky?" she asked. "Y'know. Where we live?"

"Yeah?"

"This is a country. You know. Hyrule?"

"Oh," Line said with a slow nod. Then he just blinked and glanced around the table again. "Soooo… how can there be another one?"

"Are you making this difficult on purpose, or are you really this stupid?" Irleen asked in frustration.

"Well, you guys are using fancy words I don't know!" Line snapped. "It's not my fault this game is so complicated!"

"Now, before we go any further," Zelda said in a calm tone, raising a hand before anyone else spoke, "I would like to assuage the problem by explaining." She then leaned to one side so that she could use the table as an impromptu drawing surface. She used the tip of one finger to illustrate as she said, "Imagine that you have a plot of land upon which people live. These different people have decided who they prefer to associate with, and so they divide themselves into at least two separate groups. To maintain that separation, they identify which land also belongs to them and call it a 'country'. Does this make sense?"

"So it's kinda like a company's territory, right?" Line asked. "Those different ports that, say… the Skyriders and, like… the Fair Travelers, the ports that they prefer. Right?"

"I would suppose that it's a faih comparison," Cale said. Then he turned to Zelda. "So, ah we foreignahs?"

"Are any of you playing Human characters?" Zelda asked as she sat up again. She used a hand to push her hair out of the way and pointed at the tip of her ear. "Round ears?"

"Uh…" Cale droned as he and Line looked down at their sheets. "I'm Hylian."

"So is Irleen," Line said. Then he asked in a lower voice, "Who the hell spelled this?"

"Miss Dholit?" Zelda asked.

"Gerudo," Dholit replied.

"Yep, you are all foreigners," Zelda said with a wicked grin.

"I vote that we retahn to the tavehn," Cale immediately said. "Cahfully."

"Check your Stealth," Zelda told him as she picked up her own d20.

Cale, along with Lilly, Dholit, and Line (after Irleen hissed at him), also picked up the appropriate die and rolled. "Nineteen," Cale replied after letting out a sigh of relief.

"You sound as if you were holding your breath," Zelda observed with an air of amusement.

"I couldn't manage a Dexterity modifiah," Cale told her with a shy grin.

"Twenty-one," Lilly spoke up. Then she smiled at Cale and said, "I have at least a two."

"Twenty-eight," Dholit said. She shot Cale and Lilly a smug smile as she added, "I have a modifiah of eleven."

"Eight," Line read from the die.

"What's my modifier, Line?" Irleen asked with a hint of exhaustion in her voice.

Line pressed his finger on the character sheet. "That's the big number, right?" he asked.

"Yes."

"Nine."

"So that's a seventeen," Irleen told Zelda.

Zelda rolled her d20. Then she got an idea and double-checked her notes. "One moment," she told the others as she then picked up the dice she had decided to use to determine character parameters. After rolling, she heaved a sigh and put the math together as she jotted down some notes. "You all slip back into the tavern under the watchful eye of a blind country sheriff."

Line snorted and quickly muffled himself with one hand. Cale, trying not to laugh, asked her, "What… what was the roll?"

"I added a five for a position modification as well as two for a parameter bonus," Zelda explained. "Unfortunately, my roll to spot them was a four."

"Nayru's laws of luck don't seemma be favorin' ya today, Your Highness," Lilly said with a grin, trying to look more interested in her character sheet.

Zelda scrunched her face in annoyance and glanced at her notes again. Then she gave the table's occupants a smug grin. "Well, now that you are hiding back in the tavern, you should roll for Listening; those soldiers are not just going to stand there."

"Uh oh," Cale said as the group picked up their d20s again. He dropped his on the table. "Eighteen."

Lilly took in a hiss of a breath, the best she could manage as she cringed. "I just rolled a four," she said. "It totalzza six."

"Oh, deah…" Cale agreed.

"Six," Line read.

"So I've got fourteen," Irleen concluded. "Ooh, this is gonna be close."

"Five," Dholit said as she sat back in the chair, her smug grin still on her face.

"We're doomed," Irleen immediately said.

Zelda rolled. Then she giggled to herself. "Keith and Fargo can hear the soldiers coming, but Anyal and Brunhildestine are unaware of this fact."

"Hide!" Cale and Irleen cried out, Cale picking up his die. Line was a little slow in picking up the die again, already becoming bored with the exercise.

"Hide, hide, you two!" Cale said as he made to roll the die. But when he dropped the die, it skipped off one of the ten-sided dice sitting in his pile and sped over the edge of the table. "Ho-hold on!" he said as his chair scraped the floor in his rush to stand and follow.

"He made it in-character, he made it in-character!" Irleen chanted.

"Would you like to respond in-character?" Zelda asked Lilly.

Lilly shrugged. "I could probably take 'em," she said as she picked up her d20. "But, I guess I'll get lost in the poor wizard's panic and hide, too."

Zelda turned and asked, "Dholit?"

"I think I will be fine," Dholit replied. "I will just sit on the bah."

"Iiiii feel we all know what you're gonna do," Lilly said just as Cale returned to the table.

"Ah you using ground rules?" Cale asked Zelda.

"Ground rules?" Zelda asked, tilting her head.

Cale nodded. "Even if you drop the die, it still counts?"

Zelda frowned and shook her head. "No."

"Good," Cale said with a relieved sigh, collapsing in his chair. "I found the die rolled to one. I would rathah not have critically failed to hide."

"You have yet to succeed," Zelda pointed out.

This prompted the players to roll. "Oh, deah," Cale groaned.

"Oh, Cale…" Lilly moaned after looking at his die.

"What?" Zelda asked.

"I've rolled a one again," Cale replied.

Zelda smiled and told him, "Fargo is so busy shouting at the others that he forgot to hide himself and, in actuality, is standing in the doorway where the approaching soldiers can see him." Cale groaned and let his forehead fall against the table.

"Sixteen," Lilly said as she patted Cale's shoulder.

"Brunhildestine has slipped around the corner of the bar and ducked beneath it," Zelda said, already knowing that she would have to roll lucky in order for her soldiers to spy Lilly's character.

"Twelve," Line said.

"And?" Irleen asked.

Line groaned and looked for the Hide skill on the sheet. "Two."

"Fourteen," Irleen said.

"You've found an overturned table to hide behind," Zelda said as she picked up her own die for the Spot skill. One roll gave a soldier a seven, which only amounted to a ten with their three-point bonus. Then she rolled for the other soldier, despite both having the same parameters. Nineteen. "All for naught, I'm afraid. One soldier, having heard Fargo hollering at you, has rushed to the doorway just in time to see Keith and Brunhildestine dive under cover. He hollers at you two to stand. All four of you are now in the open."

"I seduce them both," Dholit finally spoke up.

Zelda looked over to see her rolling her d20 against her lips. "Very well," she said with a sigh. "But you must roll twice. One for each soldier."

"Oh, I delight in the challenge," Dholit told her. She rolled the die onto the table. "Oh, a fouhteen."

Zelda silently prayed to Nayru that she roll a twenty as she slid the die out of her hand. "Four," she groaned after looking at the result.

"That's one," Dholit told her before rolling again. "Oh, deah. A two."

A seventeen total, Zelda realized. She had to beat that. So she rolled. And then she pressed a hand over her eyes. "Eight…" She sighed and continued, "Both soldiers have looked upon Anyal's beauty and seem to have forgotten why they were rushing into the tavern in the first place. It seems that the rest of the group is safe for now."

"I wish to bahgain with them," Dholit told Zelda. "If they agree ignoah the rest of the group's presence, I shall invite them to the back foh—"

…

WE INTERRUPT THIS STORY TO PROVIDE A PUBLIC SERVICE. FOR THE NEXT TEN SECONDS THAT IT WILL TAKE FOR DHOLIT TO FINISH HER PROPOSAL, WE WOULD LIKE YOU TO IGNORE HOW SHE WAS GOING TO END HER STATEMENT AND THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE. BUNNIES, PERHAPS. OR NOT, AS THAT MAY FURTHER PROVIDE YOU WITH IMAGERY TOO CLOSE TO DHOLIT'S INTENTIONS. SO, FOR THE REMAINING EIGHT SECONDS, JUST STARE AT THE SCREEN. AND THEN GO INTO THE NEAREST WASHROOM AND USE THE SOAP TO SCRUB OUT THE REST OF YOUR IDEAS REGARDING DHOLIT. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO THE PREVIOUS SELECTION.

…

Zelda slammed her hands down on the table as she rose, her face beet-red. "ABSOLUTELY NOT!" she hollered at Dholit. "How can you turn a game so lewd?!"

"I did find it in the rulebook," Dholit replied, her smile only growing wider at Zelda's embarrassment. Well, perhaps not only Zelda's embarrassment. Lilly had her face buried in the table, shaking her head as she tried to determine if she should laugh or scream at Dholit in agreement with Zelda. Line pressed his back against the chair and leaned to one side with a vacant expression on his face. Cale pulled his shirt up over his face to cover his own rose-tinted expression, although he realized that this made it difficult to breathe. Irleen had hid behind a stack of cookies, her light having turned bright pink upon hearing Dholit's words.

"There can be no such thing!" she screamed at Dholit. Then she turned to look Cale in the shirt. "Is there!?"

"I cannot be cehtain," Cale replied through his shirt. "I am not as familiah with this gamebook."

"I took the time to find the passage," Dholit said as she reached for a book. Once in her hand, she offered it to Zelda. "Page one hundred and twenty-nine at about the middle."

Zelda took the book out of Dholit's hand and marched away from the table so she did not have the players watching her as she read. She kept her back to the table as she opened the book to the appropriate page. To her surprise, she found herself looking through a page which detailed how character relationships were supposed to work. The passage that Dholit was referring to indicated intercourse and the level of effectiveness it was suppose to have depending on a single character's Seduction level. Unfortunately for Zelda, Dholit's outrageous score meant that her proposal was valid should she successfully roll against her soldiers' Will save. And Dholit had gained a bonus for defeating their Will saves a first time. She audibly closed the book, causing Cale and Line to jump in response, and took in a breath that she slowly sighed out. She would have to hope that either Dholit failed a roll or she succeeded with a critical. She could not even roll a high number to beat her; Dholit now had a five-point modifier that would exceed any other roll she could make.

She slowly returned to the table and slid the book onto the surface without a sound. "I see," she told Dholit in a level tone. "Shall we check your abilities, Miss Dholit?"

"Oh, yes," Dholit replied as she stopped playing with the pair of d20s in one hand. She dropped one to the table. "Twelve. To make thihty-two."

Zelda picked up a d20 and rolled it. "Ten," she replied after adding the Will save to the die's eight.

"Too bad," Dholit said as she rolled again. "Anothah twelve."

Zelda cringed and tried her luck again. "Nine," she said as she stared at the dismal seven on the die. "Both men have accepted your proposal and accompany you to a room upstairs to… fulfill the bargain."

"Is that what you Hylians call it?" Dholit asked.

Zelda shook as she tried to remain calm. Then she realized that she was still standing and slowly slid back into her chair. "You may… roll for your level of success," she told Dholit before hiding behind her divider.

"With pleasuah," Dholit said as she picked up a pair of dice. She rolled them, and then she clicked her tongue. "Hmm… fifty… Rathah disappointing…" She rolled again and proceeded to do the same thing. "Eighty-foah… well, I suppose it isn't as embahrassing."

"Just what number are you looking for?" Zelda asked, looking up so she could glare at Dholit. "You have already met the criteria for ensuring the bargain; neither one of them can betray you."

"Pehhaps, but I would like to believe Anyal's pahfohmance would be moah… heavenly," Dholit replied. "But I should like to retiah foh a moment; they can be on theih way."

"The soldiers have gone," Zelda said in a defeated tone, jotting a quick note. "And it is safe to say that your antics have saved you from suspicion. But you have to leave the town to return to your respective journeys."

"Who says they have to take her along?" Line asked. "Can't they just ditch her?"

Dholit crossed her arms and looked around the table. "Hmm… I wondah… Is it within any of theih charactahs to leave behind the one who saved them from fighting with the soldiahs?"

Irleen heaved a sigh. "Keith is a nice guy like that," she admitted. "He won't just leave someone who kept him out of trouble."

"I've rolled some unfohtunate parametahs foh Fahgo," Cale admitted. "I probably shouldn't leave unless someone else was going." He turned to Lilly. "Ah you going?"

"Well…" Lilly droned as she flipped over her sheet. She appeared to mull it over for a bit before deciding, "I kinda agree with Irleen; Brunhildestine isn't gonna ditch someone who just saved her."

"Oh, that's just so stupid…" Line groaned, sliding one hand down his face.

Dholit cooed for a moment. "How loyally naïve you've made youh charactahs…" She looked at Zelda. "Has my manly taht of a puppet retahned yet?"

Zelda sighed and looked to Cale. "How should I do this?" she asked.

"Generally, the success of youh seahch roll detehmines which die you use to find things," Cale replied. "The highah you roll, the lahgeh the die up to twenty."

Zelda rolled. "Foah," she said. Then she rolled her parameter dice when she realized that she had not determined his Intelligence. Twenty-four. "So I rolled an eleven total," she told Cale as she wrote it down.

"Then you use a ten-sided die to detahmine how many, uh… women that he had found."

Zelda picked out a d10 and rolled. Then her face started turning red. "E-eight…"

"I seduce all eight!" Dholit declared.

"Dholit!" Irleen snapped while both Lilly and Cale hollered, "What?!"

"Miss Dholit!" Zelda snapped.

"Oh, come now, Princess," Dholit said as she started rolling a pair of d20s between her hands. "Should you not try youh luck once moah? You might finally stop me this time."

Zelda growled and rolled parameter dice for the women. Nineteen, which meant that each one had only a single point to resist her. But then she had an idea and told Dholit, "If we are to contend with these women's affections, we shall do this after I have rolled parameters for all eight."

Dholit gave an inviting wave of one hand. "Please do, Youh Highness."

Zelda started rolling and noting the scores she received. Twenty-four, so a seven-point bonus. Twenty: five points. Twelve: one point. Eleven: no bonus. Sixteen: three points. Thirteen: one point. Fourteen: two points. While it was encouraging that none of them would be taking a penalty, they were still hardly a match for Dholit's heavily-augmented Seduction. She would have to rely on the critical system once again. So she took in a breath and picked up her d20. "Okay, then," she told Dholit. "Roll."

Dholit stopped playing with the dice and set down the one she would not need. "Yes, Youh Highness," she taunted. She rolled. "Nineteen." Zelda rolled a fourteen, but that hardly defeated Dholit since the first of these women only had a single bonus point.

Dholit rolled again. "Thihty-fouh." Two. Even with the second woman's seven-point bonus, the die still would not favor her.

"Twenty-two." Fifteen. She was coming close, but that was another gone.

"Thihty-five!" Dholit declared, causing the whole group to jump in shock. Zelda tried not to cringe as she rolled, now praying desperately for some payback. Unfortunately, that was when fortune decided to favor her with an eighteen, nineteen with the bonus. But she hoped that it meant her next roll might be a critical success. Just one out of eight would be nice at this point.

"Oh, deah; a one." Zelda looked up in amazement. Could it be? Did she finally have some hope? Even with a roll of sixteen, the critical failure meant that Zelda did not have to suffer a total loss. She rolled just to see if she should rub in the horrid check. Nine with no bonus. At least she had that hope to cling to.

"Twenty-five." Dholit sounded a little less cheerful.

Twenty. "Ah-HAH!" Zelda suddenly declared, pointing a finger at Dholit. "I shall get you yet, Dholit!"

"Two moah women, Youh Highness," Dholit replied, her smug look returning. She rolled once more. "Thihty-one." Zelda rolled a ten for a character with a single bonus point. Oh, well, she thought.

"Annnnd… oh," Dholit said, sounding desolate. "Anothah one."

"HAH!" Zelda hollered, pointing at Dholit again. Then she rolled. Nine. But who cared? She jumped up. "Two of the women are disgusted by the fact that another woman is trying to seduce them and leave before you can rape them!" Zelda hollered. "And a third has kicked your barkeeper slave in the groin in anger and stormed out in a huff that she ever came in the first place!"

A door opened, and a lanky, elderly man leaned inside. "Is there anything wrong, Your Highness?" he asked across the room. "I heard some very… peculiar shouting."

Zelda felt her face grow hot and realized that she was standing, one foot on her chair and another on the table, over Dholit with one accusing finger extended in the offending woman's face. She quickly dropped back into her chair and cleared her throat. "Oh, dear Lester," she said in as proper and casual a voice as she could manage. "No, I do not think that anything is wrong. Perhaps you are hearing things. You should not be one to listen from the other side of doors; you might find yourself in more trouble than you expect."

"Uhp…" Lester replied, his cheeks reddening. "Y-yes, Your Highness. P-please forgive my trespasses, Your Highness."

"I shall issue only a warning," Zelda said, turning her face to the space above her divider as if she could not look at Lester anymore. "Do not allow us to catch you at this undignified activity again."

"Of course, Your Highness."

"You are dismissed." Lester closed the door with a hurried slam. Zelda then sighed and fell against the back of the chair. "That was quite embarrassing." Then she looked at her players.

Dholit had not changed except having moved her chair backward so that she could cross one leg over another. Lilly had a hand clamped over her mouth. Cale sat in perfectly stunned silence, his jaw hanging open as he stared at Zelda. Line had his head buried in his arms on the table, shaking with laughter while Irleen tried to hide herself in his messy mop of red hair.

Zelda cleared her throat again and said, "Yes, well, the disposition of the other women is that they are particularly enamored with Anyal. One of the women is even a slave to your every desire (for no real reason…)."

"I shall bahgain with the ones who ah not my slaves yet," Dholit said. "In exchange foh—"

…

WE INTERRUPT (AGAIN) SO THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE TO HAVE YOUR DAY SULLIED BY WHAT DHOLIT IS NOW PROPOSING TO PRINCESS ZELDA'S UNWITTING NON-PLAYER CHARACTERS. NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT IS QUITE LIKELY EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE COME TO THIS CONCLUSION, WE RECOMMEND THAT YOU HAVE SOMEONE DRILL A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL AND USE THE JET SETTING OF YOUR GARDEN HOSE SPRAYER NOZZLE TO CLEANSE YOUR BRAIN OF DIRTY THOUGHTS. WE WOULD DO THE SAME, BUT WE HAVE BECOME SO CORRUPTED THAT THE CLEANING WOULD LIKELY KILL US. PLEASE FILL THIS TIME WITH FLUFFY IMAGES OF PUPPIES AND BABY TURTLES. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO YOUR PREVIOUS SELECTION.

…

Zelda rose from her chair. "MISS DHOLIT!" she hollered. Both Cale and Line scooted their chairs in until their stomachs were pressed into the table's edge. Irleen had hidden once again after turning pink. Lilly tried to shrink into her chair as much as possible.

Dholit just picked up her d20 and smirked. "I should like to test my methods of pehsuasion," she told Zelda.

Zelda looked down at her notes, now aware that she had to roll for four women to become slave to Dholit's proposal. She picked up the d20 with the fact that Dholit had completely ruined her game weighing heavily on her. "Shall we joust, then?" she asked.

Dholit rolled. "Thihty-five." Zelda rolled a six, but it hardly mattered since the first woman only had a one-point bonus. She was doomed.

"Hmm… twenty-fouh." Nineteen. Zelda perked up; with the woman's seven-point bonus, that beat Dholit's roll by two points.

"Fouhty~!" Dholit then declared in a sing-song manner. A natural twenty. Zelda only rolled a pointless fifteen.

"And a thihty-seven." Two. That one was doomed from the beginning.

Zelda sighed. She was beginning to hate this. "Three of the women decide to… join you upstairs. One politely refuses, saying that she would rather flirt instead of… go that direction." Zelda then shivered at her own innuendo, innocent as it had been. Dholit was beginning to corrupt her.

"I shall give haah a lahgeh cut of haah income if she would agree to join," Dholit said. She picked up her d20 and showed it to Zelda. "And I shall use my Negotiation this time."

Zelda frowned and turned to Cale. "Negotiation?" she asked.

"You must oppose it with anothah Negotiation check," Cale said. "You'll have to detahmine it with the charactah's Charisma, not Intelligence."

Zelda grinned to herself; she had found a chance to remove another woman from Dholit's grip. "Okay, then," Zelda said as she picked up her parameter dice. She rolled. Twenty-four, which gave the check a seven-point bonus. She turned her grin on Dholit. "Roll."

Dholit did so. "Thihty-fouh," she said.

"WHAT!?" Zelda, Cale, and Irleen hollered while Lilly covered her eyes with a hand.

Then Lilly told them, "You guys! She topped her Charisma, remember?"

Cale stood to look across the table at her sheet. "You have a base sixteen?!"

"I felt that negotiations might succeed wheah seduction fails," Dholit told him. "Don't you agree?"

"Isn't it just the same thing?" Line asked.

"What kind of assassin ah you?" Cale asked as he plopped back into his chair.

"One who makes suah the job is done," Dholit replied with a grin.

Zelda sighed and rolled her die. Thirteen for a total of twenty. She sighed. "She agrees and follows you upstairs."

"I've been looking fohwahd to this," Dholit said as she picked up her percentage dice.

"One roll," Zelda told her in a harsh tone. "I will suffer no more of your depravity."

"Of coahse, Youh Highness," Dholit said. Then she rolled the dice. "Hmm… eighty-nine…"

"More than enough," Zelda told her. "You have your women."

"Splendid," Dholit said. "I will tell the bahkeepah that he is to continue his business as usual. But, should theah be any clients who wish to… spend moah foh a good time, to send them upstaihs. The women will know what to do."

"Being the love-struck dolt that he is," Zelda said in a flat voice, "the barkeeper nods and steps back behind the bar to prepare for the day's business. Unquestioningly. Stupidly. Unerringly." Zelda let her forehead hit her notebook.

"That's great, Dholit," Lilly said in an annoyed voice. "You just broke our princess."

"I just thought I would expand on the game's background," Dholit replied. She leaned over so she could see Zelda behind the divider. "Shall we continue, Youh Highness?"

"I feel that my willingness to continue has been drained," she told Dholit. She lifted her head. "Clearly, I have some further preparations to make. I would like to suspend the game for now. I will make arrangements with Link should the possibility to continue arise later on."

"Thanks a lot, Dholit," Irleen snapped.

"I can only hope foh the oppohtunity to play again," Dholit responded as she, Line, Cale, and Lilly rose. "It was a very thrilling experience. I would like to thank you, Cale, foh introducing me to this game."

"I shall be grateful if you nevah mention it again," Cale told her, his voice harsh with those last words.

Zelda watched them walk to the door they had entered through. Once they were gone, she turned a few pages in her notebook to jot down the events of the game. Then she spread her arms across the table, shoving aside her books and divider and spilling dice onto the floor, so that she could let her head slam the hard wood surface. She now understood why Link allowed them to take some time off while he was dealing with a shipping dispute.

…

Tale #14 of the Island Symphony – To be continued?

NOTICE: The previous story is ambiguously canon. If it happened, then Zelda now has more to be concerned about than Link having a dirty dream (see #10; trust me, it's different from #9).