CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED EIGHTEEN
Days. Weeks. Months. It's funny how time flies whenever you wish for it to stop. Jane had been holding strong. Every now and then, she'd realise what day it was, and her stomach would knot up as she became fully aware of just how close the end of the term was. She didn't know how she was going to be able to sleep without her head laying on Will's chest because she hadn't stayed in her own dorm for weeks now. She wasn't prepared for this, not like she pretended she was.
"Hey, Jane."
Jane looked over her shoulder to see Peter. She forced a smile.
"Hey, Peter."
"Last day at school," Peter said. "You're going down to Hogsmeade with us, right?"
Jane looked back out of the common room window and shrugged a bit.
"I dunno. I'm gonna wait for Will to finish packing, and um, maybe we'll catch you guys up later."
Peter nodded and looked down at his feet.
"James was talking about having an Exploding Snap tournament. Losers have to pay the winner a Galleon each. Who knows, you've been getting kind of good at it lately…"
Jane laughed softly.
"I know you've been letting me win, Peter" she told him.
"That obvious, huh?"
Jane looked back at him.
"Maybe if I wasn't so dreadful at it."
Peter laughed a bit.
"I, uh, I was trying to make you feel better," he admitted, and a ghost of a smile danced across Jane's features.
"I know," she told him. "You're a good friend."
Peter looked up at her as though to make sure she was talking to him.
"I don't think I tell you that often enough," Jane said. "I don't think any of us do, but you're a good friend."
Peter, who was at a loss for words, blushed a little bit, and Jane turned back to the window once more.
"I'll try and catch you guys up, all right?"
Peter nodded.
"See ya," he said before walking away.
The last day at school. Jane's insides felt like they were crumbling, being swallowed up by some dark abyss in her chest where her heart used to be. It had come too soon. It felt like just yesterday Will was telling her about his acceptance; surely, it hadn't been two months since then.
Jane tried to remember every day since the Easter holidays, but of course, that was an impossible task. However, some days and moments stuck out to her. She remembered the day that she and Will had both skived off their classes to spend a whole day in Hogsmeade together, virtually disappearing until well after midnight. She remembered sitting quietly beside Will in the library as they both studied for their exams, holding hands under the table, sometimes not aware that they even were. She remembered stepping into the common room after the Gryffindor-Ravenclaw Quidditch match and being so overwhelmed by all the excitement in the room that she ran back out into the hallway and vomited up her lunch. Almost everyone, except maybe Will, had just thought that she was sick. It had been enough of an excuse to escape the party. She remembered the feeling of the water running over her as she sat curled in on herself in the shower, crying because it wasn't fair that Will had to leave.
Jane sighed and looked at her watch. She looked back at the stairs leading to the boys' dorms. With one last glance over the grounds, Jane pushed away from the window and headed for the stairs, almost being knocked over by a couple of fourth year boys as they bolted down the staircase. When she reached the top, she ran into a more familiar face.
"All right there, Janie?"
Jane looked up into the familiar face that always seemed to have a smirk on it and smiled a little.
"Coming down to Hogsmeade with us?" Sirius asked. "I think I heard Evans tell Moony she might join us. Should be fun listening to her and Prongs have a go at each other."
Jane smiled at the thought but shrugged as she had when Peter asked.
"We'll see," Jane said. "Maybe I'll catch you guys up after a while, okay?"
Sirius nodded and watched as Jane made her way down the hallway towards the seventh year boys' dorm. Sirius frowned a bit before disappearing down the staircase. Jane pushed the door open slowly and saw Will sitting on his bed, looking at something in his lap. She quietly walked over to him.
Jane sat down beside him, and she stared at the photograph encased in a silver picture frame. It was a picture of them. Brenton had taken it, catching her completely off guard. The first time she had seen it in that frame, she had asked Will why he couldn't have found a picture that she looked halfway decent in to display. She had hated that picture at first, but for weeks now, it was one of the last things she'd see before she drifted off to sleep in Will's bed, and it was one of the first things she'd see in the mornings. She didn't ever think she'd be sad to see it go, but she was going to miss it.
Jane placed her hand over Will's and rested her head on his shoulder.
"So, what are we gonna do today?" she asked quietly.
"Try and find a way to stop time," Will answered half-heartedly.
Jane interlocked her fingers with Will's before sighing.
"The guys are going to Hogsmeade; I told them we'd catch them up, but I don't really feel like going," Jane admitted.
"We could go down to the Black Lake."
Jane shook her head.
"Too many people go there on the last day of school; it'll be crowded."
"Astronomy Tower?" Will suggested, and Jane smiled a small smile before nodding.
They stood and Jane looked around at the room. The usual piles of clothes were nowhere to be found as they were all crammed into suitcases and trunks. The room felt empty. She turned to Will.
"You finished packing?"
Will carefully placed the picture on top of the clothes in his suitcase before closing it.
"I am now," he said, wrapping an arm around Jane and pulling her closer to his side.
Their time on the Astronomy Tower didn't last very long. Professor Sinistra found them there and reminded them, in a very angry tone, that the Astronomy Tower was off limits to students outside of classes.
So, the two of them took to walking around the empty corridors of the school. Both of them were talking happily and laughing at each other. On the inside, however, they both felt terrible. It had been part of their deal; they wouldn't sulk about it; they'd save the crying for after the fact.
"Maybe we should just go down to Hogsmeade," Will said after a while. "I'm sure your friends are wondering when you're going to show up."
Jane shrugged as she stood on one of the benches in the hallway.
"Maybe later," she said, still not really feeling up for a Hogsmeade trip.
"They might start thinking that you're blowing them off," Will told her.
Jane climbed onto his back, hooking her legs around him and kissing his cheek.
"That's because I am," she told him.
It wasn't exactly fair to the boys, but the way Jane saw it, she was going to get to see them again—hell, she was living with James and Sirius—but Will? There wasn't any seeing him after he got off that train tomorrow.
"To the kitchens!" Jane exclaimed, holding onto him and pointing in the general direction of the kitchens.
Will laughed and started walking down the hallway with Jane clinging to his back.
"I always love a nice date in the kitchens," Will said. "The food's free, and the menu is endless."
"And the service is spectacular," Jane said as they rounded a corner. "I wonder what it's like, being a house elf."
"Probably wicked boring."
"But they, like, never complain," Jane said.
Will shrugged.
"Maybe it's in their job description."
"But they don't get paid," Jane pointed out. "So, they're kind of like slaves."
Will thought for a second and shrugged again.
"I dunno. My family's never had one," he said. "I would expect Potter's family has got one."
Jane shook her head.
"James' mum kind of likes to do everything herself. Sirius' family has one though. He didn't seem to be particularly fond of it; said it was vile, not like the ones at Hogwarts."
"I'd probably be unpleasant too if I had to work for a family like the Blacks," Will said. "You know, I heard his brother, the one in Slytherin, is into the Dark Arts."
It was Jane's turn to shrug.
"I wouldn't really know," she said. "He never really talks about his brother, but I guess it wouldn't surprise me. You know, one of his cousins was disowned because she married a Muggle-born. What kind of family does something like that?"
"You'd be surprised at just how seriously some families take their blood status."
"Did I ever tell you that some guy over the Easter holidays implied that I shouldn't be a Healer because I'm Muggle-born?"
"Did you hit him with a good hex?" Will half-teased.
"No, but I thought James' mum was going to for a second; she looked ready to spit fire at this man. I didn't have my wand on me anyway."
"And why not?" Will asked.
Jane shrugged.
"It was a party; I didn't need—"
"Jane, you have to make a habit of keeping it on you, okay?" Will said seriously. "I don't think the world's getting better anytime soon; in fact, I think it's just getting worse."
"You sound like James' mum. She's always worrying—"
"It's more than worrying, Jane. You've been reading the papers, haven't you?"
Jane nodded a tiny bit. Though technically, she never read the articles anymore, just the headlines every now and then. Nothing good seemed to be happening in the world anymore, and if it was, it sure didn't ever make the front page.
"Just promise me you'll be safe," Will said. "I mean, I'm not gonna be here, and I…"
Jane hopped off of Will's back and moved to stand in front of him.
"I'm gonna be fine, Will," she assured him.
Will wrapped his arms around Jane's waist and kissed her forehead.
"I just don't want to open the Prophet one day and see your name on some list," he said.
Jane chewed on the inside of her lip as she traced circles around one of the buttons on Will's shirt with her finger. She had thought about that before, opening the paper to see the name of someone she knew, someone she cared about. It was the stuff her nightmares were made of.
"Well, what about you?" she asked. "Are you gonna be safe where you're going?"
"Trust me; I'm gonna be just fine," Will said.
"Promise?" Jane said in a voice just over a whisper.
Will pulled her tighter to him.
"Promise."
Jane swallowed hard, trying to stop the lump from forming in her throat.
"And I know we agreed that we wouldn't really write each other because we agreed to try and move on or whatever, but when you get there, and get settled in, could you just let me know that you're there and you're safe?" she asked.
"I will; I promise," he said.
"And you can't forget," Jane said, "because if you do, I'm gonna think something bad's happened, and I'm gonna freak out and—"
"Jane, I promise I won't forget, okay?" Will said quickly, trying to stop her from talking about it because he knew that if she kept it up, she'd just start crying, and he hated seeing her cry.
Jane sighed and rested her head against his chest. Closing her eyes, she inhaled deeply, filling her nose with the smell of his cologne. She smiled a bit when Will rested his cheek on the top of her head.
The rest of their day went pretty much like that. Walking and talking and passing the time as best they could, trying to ignore the fact that it was their last day together. They never did catch up with the boys, and Jane just figured they'd all understand, and if not, they could get over it because she really didn't care.
With the sun making its way to the western part of the sky, and with people slowly starting to head back to their common rooms, Jane and Will grabbed a blanket from Will's dorm and headed down to the Quidditch pitch.
Virtually deserted after the Quidditch season was over and just far enough away from the castle that teachers didn't patrol it after hours, the Quidditch pitch was just a nice place to sneak off to. The decorations had long since been taken down, leaving the wooden frames of the stands exposed and giving it an abandoned feel. Will and Jane spread the blanket out not far from the goalposts and lay there, watching the sky turn all different shades of orange and purple before the stars started to appear one by one.
Jane yawned as she stared at the crescent moon peeking out from behind a small, thin wisp of a cloud. Will looked over at her and smiled a little.
"Maybe we should go inside," he suggested.
Jane shook her head.
"Let's just stay out here for a little longer. I don't want to go to sleep yet."
Will sighed. He tilted his head back and looked up at one of the three goalposts and frowned a bit. He mumbled something, and Jane raised her eyebrows.
"Hmm?" she asked curiously.
"I just was saying that it's sort of ironic, you know, for us to be spending our last day here, on the Quidditch pitch," Will said, "when it's Quidditch that's gonna take me away from you."
Jane's heart sank for a moment, but she smiled in a bittersweet way after thinking for a second.
"Quidditch was a good thing for us," she said, taking Will by surprise.
"Are you kidding right now?" he asked seriously.
Jane smiled and shook her head.
"Think about it," she told him. "If I never would've joined the team, what's the chances that we would've ever talked to each other?"
Will thought silently about that for a second.
"And this field, this is where we had our first kiss. And you asked me out right after the Slytherin match. And in the locker rooms after practice was where you first told me that you loved me, remember?" Jane said. "It makes sense for us to be here right now."
Will nodded, and Jane continued to smile a little.
"Yeah, Quidditch was a good thing for us," she repeated to herself aloud.
Will took a in shaky breath, and Jane propped herself up on her side and looked at him.
"You know, if you asked me to, I wouldn't go," he told her.
"I know," Jane told him quietly. "That's why I haven't asked you to. I wouldn't do that to you."
Will nodded and quickly rubbed his hand over his face, maybe to wipe away tears, but it was too dark and Jane couldn't really tell. She leaned down and placed a soft kiss on his lips before pulling away just a bit, looking at the small reflection of the moon in both of his eyes.
Will wrapped an arm around her, pulling her closer, and once again, their lips met. There was something different about this kiss. It wasn't soft; it was hungry, and it burned with a fierce passion that lit a spark inside Jane's abdomen and spread like a wildfire through her whole body.
And without overthinking it like she normally would, Jane shifted her body on top of his, never breaking the kiss. In a slightly bolder move, she moved a hand to the top button of his shirt and, with a surprisingly steady hand, unbuttoned it. If Will was shocked by any of this, he didn't show it, so Jane continued with the buttons. Then, with a more tentative demeanour, she splayed a hand out over his bare chest.
When Will pulled out of the kiss, Jane immediately retracted her hand, almost worried that he was going to tell her to stop. Instead, in one swift move, Will rolled them over, gently laying Jane on her back. He tossed his shirt aside, but before he could kiss her again, she wriggled uncomfortably.
"What it is?"
"I'm lying on a rock," Jane blurted out, and she immediately scolded herself for saying anything because she was trying to act smooth and kind of sexy, and she had thought she'd been doing an okay job up until she went and told him about the rock lodged under her shoulder blade.
However, when Will chuckled, Jane realised that he didn't care about that. He didn't want her to act sexy; he wanted her be herself because he fell in love with the girl that occasionally choked on her food because she was trying to talk with her mouth full. He fell in love with the girl that kept him up some nights by either snoring or kicking him. He didn't fall in love with a girl who was trying to act sexy.
Will felt around under the blanket and threw the rock away from them.
"Better?" he asked with a small grin on his face.
Jane lay back again and smiled up at him as she nodded. Will gently caressed the side of her face with one of his hands, grazing over her lips with his thumb, before lightly dragging his hand down her upper body until he reached the hem of her shirt.
As Will kissed her again and ran his hand under her shirt, it surprised Jane to realise that she wasn't scared; there was no part of her that wanted this to stop. Nervous? Yes, she was nervous as hell. She was nervous because she was self-conscious about her body, and she was nervous because she had missed a spot on her leg when she was shaving that morning. She was nervous because she didn't really know what she was doing. Nervous because while it was highly unlikely for anyone to walk down to the pitch and catch them, it wasn't impossible. And she was nervous because Sarah had told her that your first time really hurts, but scared? No. She knew for a fact that this is what she wanted, that she was ready for this, that she wasn't going to regret it.
Before she knew it, Jane was tossing her shirt away where it joined Will's in the grass. Will had stopped for a moment, looking down at her, trying to absorb every detail. He was taking a mental picture of the girl that he loved because this was it. This was them sharing themselves with each other completely. This was the last thing that they would do before tomorrow came and they had to say goodbye, a goodbye that both of them knew might very well be permanent.
Will slowly ran a hand up one of Jane's legs, and Jane let out a breath of relief because it was the one that she hadn't missed a spot on when she was shaving. Bracing himself with his other arm, he kissed Jane once more on the lips before trailing little kisses across her jawline and down her neck to her collarbone, leaving Jane's skin tingling wherever his lips touched.
And as Jane ran a hand over his back, trying to press herself closer to him, she looked up at the stars and noted that this was far better than any high she could ever achieve through drugs or alcohol. And regardless of the fact that Sammy said that everyone's first time kind of sucks, regardless of the fact that it was going to hurt, Jane knew that she was going to replay this moment in her mind for a very long time. Because despite how good or how bad sex was actually going to feel, they were in love, and that felt more amazing than anything ever would.
On the train ride home the next day, Jane stayed curled up against Will's side, wishing that she could just stay like that. She kept replaying the night before in her mind and smiling. She had been surprised to find out that it didn't hurt as much as Sarah had said it would; it just kind of felt weird to her. And she had learned that your body can make a lot of weird noises that are completely embarrassing, but Will hadn't seemed to mind. Had it been the most physically pleasurable thing in the world? Not exactly. The most amazing experience she'd ever had? Absolutely, and it was because it had been with Will.
Jane could feel the train slowing. Her breath caught in throat, and she clung tighter to Will's shirt, squeezing her eyes closed because she really didn't want to cry. But she was panicking on the inside. What was she going to do? She felt like her world was falling apart; everything was slipping right through her fingers, and she felt like she was being crushed all at the same time.
Stepping onto the platform was one of the hardest things Jane had to do. Then came the goodbyes. It was the longest kiss they'd ever shared in public. Eventually, people started to stare, but it didn't matter to them what anybody else was thinking right then. All they knew was that this was their last kiss, and they were going to make it last.
Even after they pulled out of the kiss, they clung to each other for a long time. Jane was trying very hard not to cry, taking in deep breaths, burying her face in his chest. When she finally trusted herself to speak, she managed to choke out:
"I love you. I love you so much."
"I love you more," Will whispered into her hair, and Jane tried to smile, but it only made it more difficult to hold back her tears, a lot of which had already made their way down her face.
"Not possible," she said in a voice so quiet that she wasn't even sure that Will heard her.
And all too soon, he was gone.
Jane stood, not moving from the spot. She balled her hands up in the jacket she was wearing. Though it was too warm outside for a jacket, she didn't care because it was one of Will's. She made a rather ugly face as her expressions contorted as she tried not to lose all of her composure. However, when a voice from behind her asked if she was going to be all right, she lost it.
Spinning around, she grabbed the person and held onto him as though he were the only thing keeping her from floating away into nothingness. And as Jane's body was racked with loud, heavy sobs, he wrapped her in his arms tightly, squeezing his eyes closed as though he could almost feel the gut wrenching pain she was going through.
"Shhh, shhh. It's okay. It's gonna be all right, Janie. You're gonna be all right."