A/N: Hello, happy February everyone. I hope 2019 is going well for you so far! I'm sorry I suck about updating. I work 6-7 days a week and am also taking classes so free time is in short supply. I know a few of you are frustrated with how long I am taking to update Christmas on Standby but I'll try to get to that one soon! I hope you like the new chapter! xx
It was Regina's third day at Massachusetts General, and Emma and Henry had cleared out of her hospital room for an hour so she could have her first session with her new therapist. After spending an uneventful time wandering the buildings, browsing a gift shop and getting a snack at one of the hospital's cafe's, Emma and Henry soon found themselves heading back. When they re-entered Regina's ICU room, Emma's eyes immediately studied the other woman's features.
Regina looked up as they entered. She was loosely hugging the giraffe Emma had bought for her. The rims around her eyes were a little red and there appeared to be nearly-dry tearstains on her cheeks, but her face lit up when she saw the two of them. She even seemed to look a little relieved.
"Hey," Emma said, taking her usual seat next to Regina's bed as Henry sat on the edge of it. "How did it go?"
"It was fine," Regina said indifferently, looking down at the teddy in her arms.
"Do you like her? The therapist?"
Regina gave a shrug. "She's fine."
"What did you guys talk about?"
Regina huffed and looked up to meet the other woman's eyes. "Emma," she said a little shortly, "I just spent an hour talking about something I didn't want to talk about, to someone I didn't want to talk to. The last thing I want to do is to now talk about that."
"Alright that's fair," Emma replied. "Sorry... I don't know why I asked that."
Regina gave a small, but appreciative smile. "Although... I will admit one thing; it's difficult to only talk about half of what happened back home. There are so many things I have to leave out."
"What do you mean?"
"Well I can't exactly go into detail about why Gold, Whale, Sidney and Blue thought I needed to be... punished." She closed her eyes on the last word, as if it were poison. "I couldn't tell her about who they really are. I can't tell her who I really am..." Regina breathed a heavy sigh. "She knows I'm holding things back but I just don't see how I can be honest with her. I wish I could just talk to Archie again. At least I wouldn't have to hide things from him."
"Who knows, maybe if we ask, you'll be allowed to continue your sessions with him over the phone or something." Emma suggested. "I'm sure as long as you're speaking with a registered professional it'll be fine."
Regina nodded distractedly. She looked exhausted, Emma noted. It must have been hard having to dig up all the memories and feelings of what had happened to her back in Storybrooke.
"You're looking better you know." Emma said, trying to cheer Regina up after what must have been an emotionally painful therapy session.
"Hmm?" Regina looked up again.
"Your face is a little thinner... I mean, the bloating must have gone down. That's good right? It means the water you were retaining is leaving. The machine is helping to relieve the strain on your kidneys."
"I looked bloated before?" Regina asked with a hint of vanity.
"Not badly." Emma responded, now wondering whether she should have said anything at all. "All I mean is that I can tell some of the water weight has gone down."
"I thought you said I looked too thin before?" Regina asked, her eyes narrowing suspiciously.
"And you did. You do, but..." Emma sighed. "What I'm trying to say is that you're looking healthier. The treatment must be working. Do you feel better?"
"I think so." Regina said quietly. "I don't know. I'm still really tired, but at least my muscles aren't hurting so much anymore... although that could just be the medication they have me on." She gave a small sigh of her own, before searching Emma's eyes again. "Do you really think I'm looking better already?"
Emma smiled, nodding. "Yeah, I do." She said softly.
Henry bit his lip, staying silent. It was true that the color had returned to her cheeks, and it was true that her face was thinner than it had been yesterday, but in his opinion his mother still looked far from 'better'. And then there were all the injuries she still had. Even the bruises from when Whale had attempted to strangle her to death on their front porch were still there, they were faint but noticeable. The small, grateful smile on Regina's face made him feel better about Emma's statement though; he was tired of seeing her unhappy.
Emma cleared her throat, looking away. She wanted to know more about the therapy session but knew Regina didn't want to think about it anymore. She was about to ask if Regina and Henry wanted to continue on with the first book they had started reading together, when Dr. Montgomery entered the room.
"Hello," she greeted the three of them kindly. "I'm sorry to interrupt. Regina, I know you're probably a bit tired after your first session with Dr. Meyer, but I had a few minutes free and I wanted to come talk to you about something."
Regina nodded, expressing that it was okay for the doctor to go on.
"First off, how did it go?"
"Speaking with Dr. Meyer?" Regina asked. "I thought it went well."
"She's very easy to talk to, very personable." Montgomery agreed, pleased with Regina's answer. "I was hoping she would be a good choice."
Regina gave a small smile, feeling a little badly that she was considering asking to change therapists. "What did you want to talk about?" She asked, quickly diverting the subject.
"Yes... I just wanted to let you know that your name is now officially on the wait list for an organ donor at our transplant clinic. Eventually this will be the best option for you– "
"How soon can my mom get a new kidney?" Henry cut in.
"I'm afraid it's impossible to say this early." Montgomery responded. "There are many people already on the wait list ahead of Regina. It is always possible that we could see a kidney becoming available for your mother rather quickly, but in general the wait time is often between three to five years."
"What?!" Emma asked, more loudly than intended. "Five years? Will Regina be okay staying on dialysis for that long?"
The doctor nodded. "Many patients can survive a decade or more on dialysis if they take good care of themselves."
"But are all of them as sick as Regina?"
"Every case is different." Montgomery replied simply.
"How many people suffering from kidney failure die every year?" Regina asked quietly. "While they are waiting for a new kidney... how many dialysis patients die while they are waiting?"
"Regina, every patient is different." Montgomery replied gently. "Many dialysis patients who have passed away had been on the treatment for many years before the disease took them."
"How many?" Regina repeated.
"Fewer than forty percent of patients with end stage renal failure survive more than five years." The doctor indirectly answered the question.
"Doctor, how many die each year?" Regina asked, stating clearly with her tone that she did not want to have to ask a third time.
The older woman had a slightly defeated look in her eyes. "I would say approximately four to five thousand."
Emma's stomach was in knots as she saw Regina's small wince.
"But you have to understand," Dr. Montgomery continued kindly, "there are over four-hundred-thousand Americans currently on dialysis, and thousands more beyond that who suffer from kidney failure, many of whom may not even be aware of it. I believe that if you take good care of yourself and follow our treatment plan, you will have a very good chance of living beyond this year."
"Five thousand is still a lot of people." Regina responded, her voice sounding a little haunted.
"Yes it is unfortunately. Regina... I know this information is a little off-putting, but you are responding well to the hemofiltration. Soon I think it will be time to switch you to dialysis and hopefully to move you out of the ICU. I know it sounds frightening, knowing that you'll have to wait for a transplant, but Regina, right now it's actually better to wait at least a little while. Right now wouldn't be a good time for you to have the surgery."
"Why not?" Regina asked in a small voice.
"You've only been here a few days and you should have started treatment quite some time ago. You were given some questionable drugs by your former doctor and you are still recovering from the kidnapping. Beyond that, you are still very ill. It is my opinion that in your current health you would not be a good candidate for a transplant. You'll be stronger in a month or two, and then maybe we can even look into the possibility of finding you a living donor. I find that is often the best option if possible. However I do understand that a living donor is not always easy to find."
"Why do you say its better?" Regina asked.
"Well in most aspects receiving an organ from a deceased donor is the equivalent to receiving an organ from a live donor." Montgomery replied. "The differences however, are that you would likely be able to have the transplant much sooner than if we were to wait, which could prevent your condition from potentially worsening. With a live donor we could schedule an operating date rather than having to call you in for an emergency surgery once a kidney became available. Also, typically a kidney from a live donor will begin to work in the recipient immediately, while kidneys transplanted from deceased donors sometimes have a delay."
Regina frowned, thinking this over for a moment. "But it is still just a delay right? So you're saying that usually a transplanted kidney from a deceased person will work, if not right away then eventually?"
"Yes. In most cases a kidney from a deceased donor will adapt and work wonderfully in the recipient." Montgomery replied. "It can just sometimes take a little longer."
Regina gave a troubled sigh. "I don't know many people who could do something like that for me... Donate a kidney." Regina explained. "I don't know if I could accept one either." She said a little more quietly. "But you said I should be okay? I mean, if I do end up having to wait nearly five years... if I keep up with my dialysis treatments, I should be able to live long enough for one to become available to me?"
"The dialysis will certainly help, yes. But I will also continue to prescribe several medications and I will want you to be following a kidney friendly diet and exercise regimen. There are many people who are afraid to ask others for a donation, which is understandable, but you would be surprised how many people are actually willing to become a live donor. If you have any blood relatives who may be willing to help, it doesn't hurt to inquire early so that when you're ready we can act quickly. A blood relative is not a requirement either, someone outside the family could potentially donate if they have a blood type that is compatible with yours. Although, as I said a live donor is not always possible, and if that is the case it's not a problem at all. You will keep your position on the wait list and we will contact you whenever a kidney becomes available for you."
"Could I give my mom one of mine?" Henry asked eagerly. "Please?"
"Henry," Regina said firmly before the doctor could respond, "we've already discussed this, you're too young."
"But mo-oom." Henry whined. "Dr. Montgomery I'm old enough aren't I? Tell her I can do this. I want to at least get tested to see if I'm a match."
"Henry I told you, I don't want you to put yourself at risk." Again, Regina spoke first, but there was a slight quiver in her voice, as though she were worried the doctor may side with her son. Emma reached for the brunette's hand; she could see Regina's breathing increase in slight panic.
"Henry I think your offer is very admirable," Dr. Montgomery said. "I know how much you love your mother and how badly you want to help her, but I'm afraid as a general rule we ask that donors be over the age of eighteen."
"But I read online that kids have donated before," Henry argued.
"You're right, it's not unheard of," the doctor nodded, staying cordial, "but those are typically very extenuating circumstances. For example, sometimes on the rare occasion a child may donate to their very sick brother or sister... but Henry, usually if an organ is coming from a child donor, most often that donor is deceased and the organ is going to another child. Do you understand?" She asked softly.
Henry nodded, he looked on the verge of tears. "I think so." He said in a choked voice. He looked back at Regina who already had a tear rolling down her face. She quickly brushed it away, dropping her gaze away from his.
"What did you mean when you said Regina is too sick right now to have a transplant?" Emma inquired, trying to save the doctor from having to get further between the mother and son. "Wouldn't that just mean she is in a greater need for a transplant? Wouldn't having the surgery sooner be better for her because she'll be able to get better faster with a working kidney?"
The doctor addressed Regina as she answered the question. "I am worried that if we were to do a transplant now, Regina, you would be at a higher risk of rejecting a new kidney. Regardless of whether we were to do the operation now or later, your body is going to see it as a foreign substance – something that doesn't belong – and your system may attack the new organ in an attempt to protect you. If we wait until you are a bit stronger, I believe the chances of success will be much greater."
"Do you think it is likely that the operation could fail?" Regina asked. "Even if we were to wait?"
"When the time comes, I will be giving you anti-rejection medications and I will make sure you are in the best possible health before the transplant. We have an extremely high success rate here. Don't worry Regina, you're in the best hands."
Regina felt a bit overwhelmed and she supposed it must have shown on her face because the doctor said: "we still have some time before you'll be physically ready for a transplant, but for now don't let the general wait time worry you. As I said, there is always the possibility of a living donor. Or, if a kidney becomes available that is a good match for you but may not be for someone else, then an early donation is possible as well. Sometimes it's just a matter of whether or not the next candidate responds to the hospital quickly enough once an organ becomes available for them. It's unfortunate when that happens, but once an organ has been removed from the deceased, the time of viability decreases very quickly. In the case that the first potential recipient does not respond or cannot make it to the hospital within a certain time period, then that organ is offered to someone else. You never know what could happen."
"It sounds like you are trying to give me unrealistic hope." Regina said a bit wearily, not entirely liking the idea of taking a kidney that was meant for someone else.
"That is not my intent I assure you." The doctor responded softly. "All I'm saying is that anything is possible."
Regina looked a little unconvinced but she nodded her understanding to the doctor.
"It's not that uncommon to receive an anonymous live donor as well." The doctor continued.
"Why would someone anonymously donate an organ?" Regina raised her head at the remark, wondering if perhaps she had heard wrong.
"There are many reasons... sometimes it's just a matter of the donor wanting to lose weight – yes I'm serious." Montgomery added at the others' looks of surprise. "Most often, anonymous donors are very kind people who just want to know that they've helped another person to live. I think it sometimes gives them a sense that their life has meant something more as well. As I said there are many reasons. But what I can guarantee is that these people are subject to extensive physical and mental health evaluations to ensure the wellbeing of both recipient and donor. Anonymous donors are a lot less common, but we have seen a significant increase over the past few years."
Regina didn't seem to know how to respond and the doctor realized she was getting a little carried away.
"I'm sorry, I'm getting a little ahead of myself. We still have a lot of time to look into the different options." Montgomery said. "But just know that there are many possibilities and it is important to remain optimistic. I know you're probably a little worn out after your therapy session so I'll leave you to get some rest now. I am going to check in on some of my other patients, but if you have any questions regarding the donor list or the operation or anything else, I'll be back to see you later this afternoon okay?"
Regina nodded again. "Thank you for letting me know about the wait list. It makes me feel a little better just knowing I'm on it."
"It was my pleasure. I hope I haven't overwhelmed you after your first meeting with Dr. Meyer."
"Not at all," Regina replied graciously, although Emma saw through her facade.
When the doctor had said her farewells and left, Emma inched her chair a little closer to Regina.
"Are you okay?" She asked softly, though she could already see the tears threatening to fall from Regina's dark brown eyes.
"No I'm not." Regina nearly whispered. She looked up at Henry briefly before she met Emma's concerned gaze. "To be honest I'm... I'm a little scared."
"Of what?"
Regina breathed a soft sigh, glancing at Henry again. "Of what happens if they never get to my name on the list... Or if by the time they get to it I'll already be gone. Three to five years Emma. That's one hell of a long wait."
"Yeah I know... but the doctor said you would be fine staying on dialysis for that long. We'll just make sure to be really strict about following the doctor's instructions. You're strong Regina, you'll make it through this I know you will."
"Five thousand people a year..." Regina quoted the doctor quietly.
"I know... but those people could have been waiting for a transplant for years. I don't think we should start worrying about something that's out of our control. The best thing we can do is to make sure you are getting properly taken care of – and that you are properly taking care of yourself. You'll be okay I know you will."
"You can't possibly know that Emma."
"Of course I can." Emma said, feigning seriousness. "You'll be okay because you're not allowed to leave me here alone, got it? Who's going to get Henry to do his homework and eat his vegetables if you're not here? Obviously I am the fun parent and you are the responsible one." She grinned.
Emma didn't know exactly what she had intended by the comment, but she certainly hadn't meant to make Regina cry. Suddenly the brunette had burst into tears and Emma felt terrible. Her smile instantly dissolved. "Oh! Oh my god, hey I'm sorry I didn't mean–" she began to apologize.
"Mom?" Henry worried.
"It's okay," Regina sobbed in response to Emma, even though it clearly wasn't. "I know what you meant but..."
"No, I shouldn't have said that, I don't know what I was thinking. I was just kidding but yeah... probably not the best joke right now huh?"
"Emma..." Regina chastised her. She rolled her eyes, but much to Emma's relief, was smiling softly. "It's fine. Honestly I don't really know what I'm crying for." Regina said, wiping her tears.
Emma sat on the bed beside Regina and wrapped a gentle, but comforting arm around her shoulders. "I promise I'll get Henry to eat his vegetables every day from now on." Emma said as though that were the reason Regina was so upset.
Regina breathed a small laugh through her tears. Her lips were quivering slightly as she looked into Emma's eyes.
"Hey..." Emma mumbled more softly, all jokes aside. She touched her forehead briefly to Regina's. "I'm sorry." She whispered. The brunette closed her eyes at the contact, feeling instantly more relaxed despite the loud warning beeps from the heart-rate monitor nearby. She missed being close to Emma. The blonde rarely left her bedside, but it wasn't quite the same as when they had been back in Storybrooke and Regina had developed a new habit of falling asleep in the other woman's arms, if not very close beside her.
"I eat vegetables," Henry defended himself, not really fully understanding what was going on.
Emma chuckled, sitting up a little straighter to reach forward and ruffle his hair.
"Sweetheart, French fries from Granny's do not count as vegetables." Regina said with a smile, though there were still tears streaming down her face. She tutted, shaking her head in spite of herself and giving Emma an embarrassed smile. She'd just had so many pent-up emotions that Emma's seemingly innocent comment had opened the floodgates.
Regina silently reached out for Henry who got up and came to sit beside her, while also right next to Emma who was still seated on the edge of the bed. Emma scooted back a bit to give Henry more room. Being cautious about the tubes and wires connected all over her, Regina pulled Henry into a gentle, if somewhat awkward hug. She momentarily cursed all of the hospital equipment and just wished she could hug Henry properly.
"I'm sorry I snapped at you before." She mumbled into his hair.
Henry gave a small shrug in place of 'it's okay.' "When do you think you'll get a donor?" He asked, guessing at the reason why his mother had started crying.
"Unfortunately, not for a while I think Henry. You heard the doctor." She said, as two of her nurses rushed in. She supposed they had been alerted by the machines and had come to make sure she wasn't having a heart attack or something.
"Will you really be okay to stay on dialysis for a couple of years if it ends up taking that long?" Henry didn't know why he was asking her that question, after already hearing her express concerns about it. He couldn't help it though.
Regina nodded. Henry knew she did not entirely believe her own response, but he was aware that she was trying to protect his feelings. "Thousands of people survive on dialysis for many years of their lives." Regina said softly, brushing her fingers through his hair. "I'm sure I can handle it too."
xXxXxXxXxXx
A/N: Thank you for reading, please review. Take care xx