CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED TWENTY-SIX
Jane shifted her school bag on her shoulder as she walked down the corridor with her friends. The first day of classes was over with, and happily, tomorrow was a Saturday. So, all Jane had to do was start on some homework and relax for the rest of the weekend. She wanted nothing more than to sit around the Gryffindor common room with her friends and a few bottles of Butterbeer.
"Jane, I don't even think you're listening to me," Marlene stated as they made their way up the last set of stairs before reaching the common room.
"You can hardly blame her. No one listens to you, McKinnon," Sirius teased.
"Oh, shut up," Marlene said, rolling her eyes.
"'Oh, shut up,'" he mimicked, and Marlene flicked her wand, making all of the hair on his head stand up straight.
As Sirius frantically smoothed it back down, Jane laughed, and the Gryffindor House Ghost met them at the portrait hole.
"Hello, dear children!" he said in a cheerful voice.
"Hello, Sir Nicholas," Lily replied. "How was your summer?"
"Oh, it could've been better," he said in a slightly annoyed voice.
"Still not part of the Headless Hunt then, aye?" James asked.
"No," Nicholas grumbled.
"Well, you're not technically headless," Peter reminded him.
"Oh, it's not my fault the axe was blunt. Forty-five hacks to the neck; you'd think that'd make up for this tiny flap of meat barely holding my head on my shoulders," Nicholas spat at Peter in a gruff voice.
Mary and Remus grimaced at his words, and suddenly, Nicholas remembered that he had a job to do. Floating just a bit higher off the ground, he looked down at the seventh years as though it were a matter of extreme importance.
"Anyhow, I'm here to bring you lot to Headmaster Dumbledore."
"All of us?" Alice asked. "Why?"
"No, not all of you, Miss Hanson. Only the ones of you that were present at Diagon Alley on the day of the attack," he replied.
Jane sort of instinctively slid closer to Sirius.
"Why?" James asked.
"Unfortunately, Mr. Potter, I do not know."
Frank, Alice, Mary, and Marlene bid the rest of them away. Jane stayed glued to Sirius almost the entire way to the ground floor until she finally realised what she was doing; then, she took only half of a baby step away from him.
They saw the Ravenclaws first. Caradoc Dearborn and Vikram Patil were following behind the Grey Lady curiously. When, they made it down to the ground floor, the Fat Friar was leading three Hufflepuffs: Amelia Bones, Dorcas Meadowes, and Kevin Fawley. The Bloody Baron, however, was only leading a single Slytherin: Sadie Selwyn.
As they all walked in silence towards Dumbledore's office, Jane couldn't help but notice that everyone there, everyone living at least, was in their seventh year. This made Jane question where the younger students were. Surely, there had been younger Hogwarts students present during the attack. It made Jane wonder if this was really about the attack at all, and not about something bigger.
"You can't do this, Albus. You can't ask so much of them."
McGonagall was pacing around inside Dumbledore's office, wringing her hands together, her lips disappearing into a thin line on her face.
"What I can and cannot ask them is irrelevant so long as they can answer freely," Dumbledore said calmly from behind his desk. "I am not forcing them into anything."
"They're just kids, Albus," McGonagall said.
"They are all of age," Dumbledore reminded her.
"That is hardly what I meant, and you know it."
Dumbledore sighed in a weary way.
"Voldemort's forces are growing in number every day, Minerva. We need to gather recruits while we can and as fast as we can manage it."
"Then why not look outside the school?" McGonagall asked. "Why not ask the help of experienced witches and wizards instead of a few who haven't even taken their N.E.W.T.s?"
"I've gotten as much help from the outside world as possible. Voldemort's been blocking us at every turn, gathering all manners of dark creatures, using them as means of persuasion. I fear that I hardly know who to trust anymore. So, what better than to try and use the very people who will be shaping the future of our world?" Dumbledore said.
"Besides, these students have been touched personally by the war. They might want the opportunity to fight back," he added as an afterthought. "It seems only fitting that we should give them such an option."
McGonagall opened her mouth to say something, but she closed it again when the door of the office opened, revealing the twelve students grouped behind their respective House Ghosts.
Jane looked around the office. It was huge, spectacular and circular. It was filled with all manner of curious objects of different shapes and sizes, some of which were emitting funny noises and puffs of smoke. The walls were filled with portraits of people, some of which she recognised from her book, Hogwarts: A History, as former headmasters and headmistresses of the school. And in the middle of it all was a giant, claw-footed desk where the current headmaster was sitting, peering at all of them from behind his half-moon spectacles which rested on his long, crooked nose.
Dumbledore dismissed the ghosts with a wave of his hand, and he motioned for the students to come in. Waving his wand, twelve wooden armchairs with purple cushions appeared out of nowhere, cramming themselves into a semicircle around the front of his desk, leaving hardly any space between them at all.
Jane took a seat between Sirius and James, staring up at the marvellous looking bird perched on a stand behind Dumbledore's left shoulder. It was red and gold with black eyes, and it was the size of a fully-grown swan. It had an air of intelligence in its demeanour that Jane had never seen in any animal, not even Asha who was very clever and human-like in her own right.
Jane looked over to McGonagall who seemed to be standing off in the shadows with a nervous look on her face. This only reiterated the thought that Jane herself should be worried about something. Turning her attention back to Dumbledore, Jane shifted in her chair, leaning slightly more towards where Sirius sat. Sirius glanced over at her, and sensing that she was worried, he placed one of his hands on top of hers, gently prying her fingers from the arm of her chair that she'd been gripping far too tightly.
This gesture seemed to take Jane by surprise, and she looked at Sirius' hand and then up at him. He gave her a reassuring sort of smile and gently squeezed her hand, and she managed a small smile as well, finally relaxing a bit. Remus, who was sitting at Sirius' other side, took notice of how Sirius' hand did not leave Jane's, and he furrowed is brow in a questioning sort of way.
"Good evening," Dumbledore said, smiling. "I hope that you all found your first day of classes not only instructive but enjoyable."
A few of the students nodded half-heartedly, some shifted uncomfortably, but Sadie, who was sitting on the far right, seemed irritated at the attempt at small talk, and narrowed her eyes at the old headmaster.
"I do wish you all the best of luck in the studies you've chosen to pursue this year—"
"Why are we here?"
Everyone automatically turned to look at Sadie. It was the first time Jane could ever remember hearing her speak, and she had a kind of authoritative voice that seemed to command everyone's attention. Kevin Fawley, who was sitting beside her, nudged her arm a bit, and tried whispering something to her, but she gave him a sort of stern look as though he, of all people, should have known better.
"Shut up, Kevin," Sadie said, and Kevin sighed, shaking his head and leaning further back into his seat, and Jane wondered vaguely when those two became familiar on a first name basis. "I've no interest in small talk. I want to know what I'm really here for," Sadie continued.
Dumbledore smiled down at Sadie and chuckled just a bit.
"Fair enough, Miss Selwyn," Dumbledore said, his voice turning somewhat business-like. "I'm sure you're all eager to know why you're here, so I shall get straight to the point."
Jane shifted uncomfortably in her chair, and Sirius gave her hand another reassuring squeeze, calming her nerves a bit.
"On the day of the twentieth of August, you all experienced your first real taste of an oncoming war that has been brewing in the wizarding world for a very long time now, perhaps even before you all were born.
"Now, as I understand, experiencing such things can be traumatic which is why, as I stated yesterday at the feast, I've encouraged all students who were present at the attack to seek counselling. First and foremost, as older students I hope you would encourage the younger students to do this as it would be good for them."
Jane wanted to let out a sigh of relief, but somehow, she just knew that trying to persuade other students into going to talk to Hellen wasn't what Dumbledore had gathered them there for.
"As it were," Dumbledore continued, "I had hoped that some of you might want to take on a more instrumental—more proactive role in helping to make this world a better place."
"What does that mean?" Caradoc Dearborn asked, leaning forward in his chair a bit, but Sadie narrowed her eyes again as though she knew exactly where this conversation was going and wasn't impressed in the slightest.
"He wants us to fight back," she said in a kind of accusing voice.
"Well," Dumbledore started, "yes…and no."
Sadie cocked her head to the side as though prepared to hear what he was offering.
"I am extending an invitation to each of you," Dumbledore told them, "to join a small task force—or think of it more as a society if you like—whose sole purpose is to defend our world from this growing threat."
"Sounds like fighting to me," Sadie countered.
"Of course, while you complete your studies here at Hogwarts, you wouldn't be doing anything that would put you in harm's way. You'd simply be, for lack of better words, pledging your allegiance in a way—"
"For what?" Sadie asked. "A promise of enlistment after we graduate?"
"Sadie, just let him talk, okay?" Kevin said, and Sadie pursed her lips in an annoyed way but remained silent.
"You all have a choice, Miss Selwyn," Dumbledore said. "But you must know that things are not going very well at all. Death Eaters are growing in number every day, and Lord Voldemort…" several of the students flinched at the name, including Jane, "…is gathering followers where he can, building armies around himself. If we do not find those who are willing to fight against him, then I'm afraid our world as we know it really doesn't stand a chance."
"You know, that sounds really noble and everything, really it does," Sadie said. "But what can you offer us if we say yes?"
"Protection," Dumbledore said.
"With all due respect, sir, how can you promise that?" she asked. "In every war that has ever been, there have been casualties on both sides. If we join your little 'society' doesn't that just make us bigger targets? I'm sure you'll understand if I don't want to walk into a shooting range with a bullseye on my forehead.
"And I know the Ministry says that at seventeen, we are considered adults, but we're not, not really anyway, and we are definitely not soldiers. We aren't pawns for you to push around on a chessboard, and you have no right to be asking this of us."
Sadie stood from her chair, and it scraped against the floor. Kevin grabbed onto her wrist gently, trying to get her to stay.
"Come on, Kevin," she said. "Let's go. This old man just wants us to fight a war for him."
"Sadie, please, just stay," Kevin said.
Sadie gave him a pained sort of expression.
"You wanna fight in a losing war, then go on ahead. I can't stop you. It's your funeral," she said, pulling her arm away from him, and she looked at the rest of them and said, "It's all of your funerals."
Sadie stalked towards the door, Kevin following after her.
"Sadie, wait!" Kevin called, and when he reached the door he turned back to Dumbledore and said, "I'm sorry for that," before running after Sadie.
No one said anything for a few moments after the two of them had gone, but finally, Vikram Patil spoke up.
"She's got a point you know," he said.
"No, she doesn't," Sirius butted in, and Jane winced at his voice because in a way, she agreed with Vikram.
"Yeah, she does," Vikram argued. "Think about it. Some of the Ministry's finest have gone after You-Know-Who, and they hardly even made a dent in his little protective shield of Death Eaters. If they can't win this war then what are we supposed to do about it? I'm still trying to think about my studying schedule for my N.E.W.T.s! I don't have the time to be thinking about a war that I wouldn't be useful in anyway. I'm sorry; I just—I can't."
And with that, Vikram stood from his chair and left the room, leaving only nine students sitting before Dumbledore. They all sat there quietly, and Jane felt the fleeting desire to do as Sadie and Vikram had and get the hell out of there, but she stayed put, leaning closer towards Sirius, earning another gentle squeeze to the hand.
"Of course, I don't expect you all to decide at this very moment, that truly would be unfair indeed," Dumbledore said, and there was an audible sigh of relief from a few of them. "I urge you, when you make your decision, to come to me, and we shall discuss it further. Now, you are all dismissed. I hope you all have a very pleasant weekend."
Jane couldn't get out of that office fast enough, and she made it all the way outside of the door before she realised that she was still holding onto Sirius' hand. She quickly pulled her hand away, her face turning pink as she avoided eye contact with Sirius.
Jane didn't know what to think. The rest of the weekend, all she could do was listen to her friends talk about the possibility of joining Dumbledore's little group. For the most part, they all seemed in favour of it. Jane would nod along occasionally, but rarely voiced any actual opinions on the matter. Mainly, it was because she wasn't sure of her opinion yet. She understood where both sides were coming from. Her friends were right to want to help, but Sadie and Vikram had been right too. What were they—a bunch of kids—supposed to do against such massive evil? What was she supposed to do?
Jane constantly fought with herself about it. She accused herself of being a coward on multiple occasions, scorning her feelings of wanting to run and hide while her friends were going to stand and fight like the brave people that she knew them to be. She wondered constantly if the Sorting Hat had made a mistake when sorting her because surely no Gryffindor had ever shown so much cowardice before. She felt pathetic and weak, and she could hardly stand to look at her own reflection anymore because when she did, she felt nothing but disgust and disappointment. She hardly slept, tossing and turning, never quite able to get comfortable in her own skin it seemed.
It only took Sirius and the rest till the middle of the following week to come up with their answer for Dumbledore. They had all gone, one by one, signing his little list. Even Alice and Frank, after catching wind of the whole idea, wanted in on it. No one had asked Jane if she had joined yet. Jane thought that maybe they all just assumed she had. After all, why wouldn't she?
Of course, she hadn't signed up yet. She envied her friends' bravery. She wanted that kind of courage. She wanted to be able to do the right thing without being scared. She was oh so tired of being scared all the time. And by the time the following week had come around, Jane was a complete wreck. And here she had hoped that this school year was going to be a good one.
"I thought I might find you up here."
Jane's lips twitched involuntarily into a smile at the sound of Sirius' voice despite everything that she was feeling on the inside.
"I wasn't aware you were looking for me," she said, flicking the ashes off of her cigarette and leaning against the parapet of the Astronomy Tower; it was a clear night and it seemed that all the stars were visible.
Sirius walked over to stand beside her. Taking her cigarette out if her hands, he took a long drag off it and handed it back to her.
"I hope you're not doing that thing where you shut everybody out again," Sirius said. "I thought we were past that."
"Old habits die hard, I guess" Jane mumbled.
"You want to talk about it?"
"About what?"
"Whatever's eating you all up," Sirius said, taking the unlit cigarette that she had stuck behind her ear.
"Hey, that's the last one of the pack," Jane said.
Sirius smirked.
"I know. You always stick the last one in the pack behind your ear, but it doesn't matter, your suitcase is filled with tons of other packs," he said.
"Yeah, but it's the last one of the pack," she repeated a bit pathetically.
"So?"
"It's lucky," she said half-heartedly, knowing that he'd tease her for saying it.
Sirius cracked a smile.
"Lucky? Who told you that?"
"It's just something I worked out for myself, now give it back!"
"Well, why can't I have a little luck?" Sirius teased.
Jane scoffed.
"You don't need any more luck than you've already got. Knowing you, you'd accidentally float off to paradise, and no one would ever see you again," Jane said.
"Oh, so you're keeping me here then, are you?" Sirius asked, smirking.
Jane rolled her eyes, but the corners of her lips tugged upwards in spite of herself.
"How about we split it," he compromised. "After you're done with that one of course."
Jane sort of shrugged in agreement and finished off the cigarette in her hand. Tossing her lighter to Sirius, she sighed as she watched him take the first drag of her lucky cigarette. Jane supposed it wasn't really lucky; she just liked to think it was. It was just something that made her happy to think about; she didn't know why.
"So," Sirius started, exhaling a cloud of smoke into the air and handing Jane her lucky cigarette, "what is it then? You nervous about the war? Because Dumbledore says we don't really have to do anything until after we graduate, and that's a good nine months away. There's still a lot of stuff we can learn in that time. I mean, we're all a bit nervous, but—"
"That's not it," Jane said, looking down at her cigarette. "Well, it is, but it's not."
Sirius looked at her quizzically.
"I don't follow."
Jane sighed, taking an extra-long drag of the cigarette before handing it over to Sirius. She coughed a bit as she exhaled as some of the smoke stayed caught in her throat.
"It's just—," Jane cleared her throat, "Can I tell you something? And you promise you won't tell anybody?"
Sirius nodded in a concerned sort of way.
"Yeah, you know you can trust me."
"And you promise you won't get mad at me?" she asked in a much smaller voice.
Sirius nodded slowly, and Jane looked down at her hands.
"I haven't signed up yet," she whispered tentatively.
Sirius didn't say anything. He was torn between telling her that it was okay and asking her "Well, why the hell not?" Jane looked at him but immediately looked away when she saw the confused look on his face. Tears began to sting her eyes, and she wrung her hands together.
"It's just, I'm not sure if I could handle it, you know? I don't think I'm cut out for this, Sirius."
Jane looked back at him, and Sirius could just barely see the tears that were already glistening on her face, and he felt a sort of pain shoot through his chest. Sitting the cigarette down on the parapet, he pulled Jane into a hug.
"Hey, it's all right, Janie. It's okay," he mumbled into her hair.
"I just don't want to sign up for a war. I'm afraid to fight. Does that make me a bad person?"
"No, of course not," he said, hugging her tighter to him.
"It makes me a coward though," she said, and Sirius shook his head.
"No, it doesn't."
"Yes, it does," she argued. "I'm a coward. All of you are so brave, and I'm just not."
Sirius pulled away from her just a little bit so that he could look at her.
"Don't you say that," he said, wiping some tears off her face. "You're one of the bravest people I know. There are different types of bravery in this world. You've been through so much, and you had the strength to get through all of it, and that's what makes you brave. No one's going to blame you for not wanting to fight in a war," he told her.
"I will," she said quietly. "I'd never forgive myself."
Sirius realised then that Jane wasn't crying because she thought her friends would be mad at her for not signing up for Dumbledore's little group. She was crying because she was terrified. Because she'd already decided that she was signing up, she was going to fight alongside her friends. She was crying because she knew they might not all make it out alive in the end, if any of them did. And she was crying for her lost youth that she'd be signing away as well because wars aren't made for kids; they're made for soldiers, and you can't be both at the same time.