NOTICE: Not canon, not canon, not cannnoooooooon!
…
"There were people on Forelight?" Brandon asked Gillam. Gillam could only offer a shrug.
"One of them is still with us," Leynne continued. "In ouh endeavohs, ouh ultimate goal is to get heh back to heh people. We do not expect you to remain out of sympathy foh heh. In Aihman Gillam's case, I can only recommend the voyage as pehhaps the only time you might see the truth behind youh oldeh brotheh's wohds. As foh the rest of you… pehhaps a chance to escape the general tedium of a Skyrideh's life. It is a ratheh ambitious and risky voyage indeed."
"No one has to say anything if you decide to cancel your transfers," Link added. "The company can send you here, but I say who stays."
Brandon and the other two airmen shared looks with each other. The youngest airman then repeated to Link, "There were people on Forelight Island?"
Airman Gillam puffed his chest out and made a slow show of crossing his arms. "Captain, my brother is a Royal Knight in service to the king," he said in a careful, clear voice. "The knights won't take me, so I gotta earn my own bragging rights the hard way. And I'd say a noble voyage with the 'Hero of Journeys' would be the closest thing I may ever see in my lifetime. So, no. My transfer stands. Captain."
Link stared at Gillam for a moment. Then he asked Zelda, "How'd he know about…?"
"It would appear that word has left the castle walls," Zelda answered with a smile and a helpless shrug.
"Is he… talking to his seat, sir?" the young airman asked.
"Cehtainly puts ouh trip to the beyond in pehspective, doesn't it?" Leynne replied with a nervous grin. He cleared his throat and said, "Look, if you decide to remain, it will all make sense…" He paused and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Unlike me, who has fohgotten the f—" BREEP! "—ng line again." The swear caused Link to slap a hand over his smile while Zelda started giggling. "I can't believe we'h doing this again. Wasn't Sky Lines enough? Couldn't we have at least left the f—" BREEP! "—ng drunk behind?"
"We need that f—" BREEP! "—ng drunk," Link said. Then he realized what he had just said and slapped the hand back over his mouth in embarrassment.
"This is a staff meeting now!" Leynne declared to Gillam, Brandon, Beech, and Botu, all four of whom were struggling not to grin. Leynne himself had already lost the fight to maintain a somber expression. He gestured wildly to the door. "Get the f—" BREEP! "—k out! It's a f—" BREEP! "—ng staff meeting!" Gillam, Brandon, and Beech obediently trooped through the door while Botu simply stepped out of the set and onto the studio floor. "You!" Leynne snapped at Botu. "Through the dooh! Out! No, not the f—" BREEP! "—ng studio, you dumb twat! Out! Out of the cabin!" Botu could only look back and forth between Leynne and the crew in confusion. BREEP! "—ng amateuh!" Leynne hollered at him. He then marched over to Link's desk. While both Link and Zelda struggled not to laugh out loud, Leynne took a moment to stare both of them down.
Then he asked as he leaned one hand on the desk, "Think that made the bloopehs?"
"YES!" Light screamed from behind the camera.
…
Tale #31: The (Fake) Gag Reel and Behind-the-Scenes Footage of the Dreamweaver's Shield Production
…
"Probably has something to do with all that blood you lost," Janni said.
Link put on a wry smile and turned his head to tell her, "I guess Randy's blood just isn—…"
Tunk! Tuk tuk tttttt— Janni and Link looked at the cot just in time to see Layna quickly scramble off the dummy Link and chase its head behind the stairs.
Then, without warning, Link grabbed his neck and started making a choking sound. Janni cast him a smart smirk as he slowly lowered himself to the deck, where he continued to make the choking sound. "It's a wonder you guys get anything done around here," she commented.
"Can't talk," Link replied as Layna stretched an arm out from behind the staircase, holding the dummy's head by its hair. "I'm dead."
"Cut!" Light called out.
…
"Sometimes, it's just so hard to know what people mean."
"I'm sure it was just a quinno—crap…"
BROOP!
"Sometimes, it's just so hard to know what people mean."
"I'm sure is was-just—ugh…"
BROOP!
"Sometimes, it's just so hard to know what people mean."
"I'm sure I ju—… I'm sure I—…" Link paused for a moment. Then he gave the Obeetan a flat grin. "I know what you mean."
"Then get your f—" BREEP! "—ng line right."
BROOP!
"Sometimes, it's just so hard to know what people mean."
"I know wha—doh! Why is it so hard to say this stupid line!?" Link hollered. "'I'm. Sure. It. Was. Just. An. In-no-cent. Ques-tion.' Does that sound hard to say?!"
"I can't tell; it took too long," Irleen replied.
BROOP!
"Sometimes, it's just so hard to know what people mean."
"I have to pee. What does that mean?" Link said. Irleen snorted and started drifting away.
"It means you're a f—" BREEP! "—ng moron."
The smack of hand hitting face sounded. "We're gonna be here all day…" Light moaned.
…
Pffut. "Augh!" Flower suddenly jolted in revulsion and dropped Sello. Perhaps to Sello's fortune, he was only a couple of steps from the ground, leaving Sello to fall into a heap with very little apparent effect.
Pffffuit! The additional sound he made caused Link to grin. Flower stopped just a footstep away from the ground and waited for a moment. Link held up a finger to ask for a moment to control the grin. Instead, his shoulders started quaking as he tried to hold in laughter.
Flower caved and told the camera, "This is why we don't do fart jokes." Link wheezed out a laugh and slowly walked off the set while the rest of the cast started to succumb.
"Cut!" Light hollered.
…
"I agree," Link replied in a low voice, "but we gotta find them first." He paused to accept a saucer with a tea cup from Logan. "We'll have to make sure the rations are still good. It won't help if we get food poisoning from bad rations."
"Thanks," Line said as he accepted the second saucer. However, he underestimated the kind of grip he needed on the saucer, and the tea cup fell to the floor. Tshh. "Whoops."
"Cut," Light groaned.
BROOP!
"I agree," Link replied in a low voice, "but we gotta find them first." He paused to accept a saucer with a tea cup from Logan. "We'll have to make sure the rations are still good. It won't help if we get food poisoning from spoiled rations."
"Thanks," Line said as he accepted the second saucer. However, Logan let the saucer go prematurely, and the saucer and tea cup fell before Line could catch it. Tshh. "Whoops."
"Sorry," Logan told the camera. "That was my fault."
"Yeah, we know," Light replied.
BROOP!
"I agree," Link replied in a low voice, "but we need to find them first." He paused to accept a saucer with a tea cup from Logan. "And we'll have to make sure the rations are still good. It won't help us if we get food poisoning from spoiled rations."
"Thanks," Line said as he turned to accept a saucer. Instead, he bumped the saucer out of Logan's hand. He made to grab for it with a panicked look on his face. Tshh. "Aw, man…"
"How many of these sets does the prop department have?" Logan asked the camera.
"Doesn't matter," Light answered. "The prop department won't let us have anymore. Cut!"
…
Link frowned and carefully lifted the bowl away from Sello. "This is my breakfast, Sello," he said.
Sello stood to his full height and saluted with his left hand. "Ah am a little tea, fruity and green," he replied in a paced tone as if he was reciting something. "Shove it up your ass an' cook mah spleeen."
"Is—hk," Link tried to say before he snorted at the rhyme. He sheepishly looked at Light. "Sorry."
Light's head hung in resignation. "Cut…"
…
"The dream stahts off ratheh dahk. Stohm-like, I would say." Leynne then looked directly at the camera and grinned. "I'm sohry, it's such a stupid line."
Light gave a groan. "Cut."
…
~~Same day, night.
~~We're all idiots.
After jotting down that single note, Link walked to the door of his cabin and ripped it open. Or, at least, he tried to. Not watching the position of his foot, he struck the bottom corner of the door against his boot. The sudden stop caused his hand to slip off the knob, and he jumped in surprise. He kicked the door shut again.
Then he turned and told the camera as he limped back to his desk, "Let me just… try that one again."
…
Suddenly, Ray was not falling anymore. Link saw her feet approaching so fast that he could think of nothing better to do than wrap his arms around her ankles and hold tight. It was not until Link held her ankles secure to his shoulders that it occurred to him that he had just jumped clear of the bulwark.
In the two seconds it had taken him to realize that both he and Ray were going to fall, someone hooked a hand into the belt holding his tunic tight to his waist. Gravity exerted its control over all things with weight, and his belt came to a sudden stop. KKkkk. Link thought his body was going to fold forward to the point that he would actually kick himself in the face. Ray, with no ability to brace herself for the stop, slipped through Link's grip. Link's mind immediately registered that Ray was falling away again, and his hands snapped forward and wrapped around Ray's right ankle with all their strength.
Link then twitched as a cold breeze tickled his lower back. "Uugh…" he uttered.
Ray's eyes opened in response to the sound Link had made. "Dhol thakwufatak?" she asked in confusion.
"Layt?" Layna spoke up. "Falix thukwfya'ak."
"What happened?" Light asked.
"My Captain dha' athigay zojayzhya'ak," Layna said.
"What'd she say?" Link asked.
Light's face molded into irritation. "She says your clothes tore."
"Oh…" Link said as his face started turning red. "Uh…"
Light groaned, "We'll go get wardrobe…"
Leynne, holding Layna's arm, let his head droop in disbelief. "You mean we have to do this again?" he asked. "This is really hahd to coohdinate…"
…
Sello, sitting in front of the mine entrance, took a drink from a flask. Then he offered it to the mine entrance. "Have a tood," he said.
The Dreamweaver's miasma reached out and wrapped around the flask. Sello watched the flask disappear.
Ptuh—PANG! Without warning, the miasma "spat" the flask out and struck Sello in the head with it. Sello reeled for a moment, looking as if he was about to drop onto his side until he sat bolt upright again.
He turned and gave the Dreamweaver an offended look. "Castle booper!" he accused it.
"I thought there was alcohol in there!" the Dreamweaver snapped at him. "It was EMPTY!"
Sello stood up. "I o-fish-ate at da sixth toilet!" he shouted in an offended tone, one hand raised in declaration. "Dey are my pant!"
"Okay, actors!" Light called out. "We're doing the escape from the mines. Link, let's get you and Sello tied up."
"This isn't over!" the Dreamweaver hollered at Sello.
"Eat mah chilly!" Sello shouted back. "I AM SELLOOOOOOO!"
…
"Yeah," Link said, quickly reaching into the box. "Uh… the last item, I kinda… kinda dropped over the side. But I have this scroll from the Mystics' meeting hall. From what Irleen said, it was the last scroll written by the Mystics before the Dreamweaver killed them. We… thought you might be interested."
Lauhat took the scroll and stared at it. Whereas Link had been expecting similar appraisal for something written from fellows of another place and time, Lauhat just gave it a frustrated look. Then, Lauhat flipped the scroll over his shoulder.
Thunk. Fwumph! Lauhat, Link, and Ukhool jolted when they realized that the scroll had struck a Sorian extra in the head, knocking him outcold. Lauhat turned to survey the damage. "Oh," he uttered upon seeing the unconscious Sorian being tended to by a pair of extras. "F—" BREEP! He turned to show Link and Ukhool a grimace before addressing the camera. "I'm sorry. I forgot there was someone behind me."
Light sighed. "Cut! Can someone get the medics back here?"
…
"GYAAAH-HAH!" Link screamed as she thrust downward. His body jolted violently before he even had the idea of reaching up to grab a blade that cut in both dreams and reality.
But his hands found empty air. Link quickly shoved himself up to see where he was.
A dim beam of light showed him vague shapes of the room's interior. He knew right away that he was not in his cabin; the light entered through a window above the bed behind him. He remembered that he had been shown to one of the guest rooms in Ukhool's house. It was mostly a circular bed and a small table with a chair in one corner; a few more pieces of furniture occupied the other corners, but they had been covered with sheets for storage.
Except for one in the corner over his left shoulder. And it moved.
Shhhhh hohhhhhh. Shhhhh hohhhhh.
Link's eyes grew wide at the perception of a big-eyed, mask-covered face outlined by the pale light. The mechanical hiss of a breathing apparatus only increased the fear scrambling up his spine. Within seconds of identifying who it was, Link was screaming at the top of his lungs like a little girl.
WHUMPH! The outline of Darth Vader suddenly dropped as a shadow from the room's open doorway landed hardn on him. The clapclap of hollow plastic cut off Link's scream when it registered that the helmet had come off.
The overhead lights turned on. "LAYNA, NO!" Light shouted out of panic.
"Kh-hk," Line coughed while Layna kept one hand grasping his throat while the other waited to slit it open with a blade. "Hi, Layna…"
Link flopped onto the bed. "I need a break…"
"You got it," Light said. "Cut!"
…
"I've never needed anyone else here. Why are you asking me these things? You should already know this."
Link and Irleen looked at each other, and Link could only offer a shrug. Then Irleen told Maroon in as clear a voice as she could, "We're… taking a look at your life. Questioning things. Uh… self-evaluation. Is this the first time we've done this?"
"Hmm. I think so."
Link pinched his nose. "Irleen…"
"Hey, you said to go with it," Irleen argued.
"Huh. This is actually quite the experience," Maroon comment aloud, his voice filled with an intrigue that drew a confused look from Link. They paused for a moment, during which Irleen glanced at the camera. "Sorry, do I have another line?" As chuckling started up among the film crew and Link grinned, Maroon decided to add in fake enthusiasm, "I've never been so excited to be reminded I'm insane! Let's all go get wasted and talk like Sello later!"
"What are you, four!?" Light snapped in frustration. "Cut!"
…
"Yeah, right," the Facade said. "Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to hit myself in the face?"
"Honestly?" Janni replied. "Not really. That's why he's gonna do it."
"Huh?"
Janni dropped the curtain and quickly ascended out of the way. The Facade had only a single second to see Link.
Pap! Then the pie exploded against the Facade, blobs of whipped cream spattering the whole of the Facade's relief. In the next second, the pie pan fell away to reveal broken crust and cherry filling obscuring the Facade.
The Facade spat some of the pie away. Then it blinked away the thinner portions of the mess out of its eyes to see Link standing in front of him with a large grin. He tried to show an angry glare through the pie still dripping down his face. "I f—" BREEP! "—hate you."
…
Sello belched at his audience. Then he turned the can in his hand. Leynne reached a hand out as if to stop Sello. He was too slow, and Sello smacked the can against his forehead. In spite of expectations, the can remained intact save for a dent where Sello's thumb had been. Sello gave the can an offended look and smacked it again, prompting a silent chuckle and disbelieving shrug from Line. When Sello looked at it again, he pondered the intact can like a child would ponder the math questions on a chalkboard. He set the can on a nearby crate.
Leynne, Link, and Line then took a startled step back as Sello picked up a sledgehammer from behind the crate. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Sello declared as he raised the sledgehammer over his head and swung.
He landed the blow on top of the can and crushed it flat. However, having used a sledgehammer, he also went through the crate's exterior bracing and halfway through the plywood-façade side. When the blow deflected away from the crate, the head landed on the deck and smashed a hole into it, lodging the head. Leynne, Link, and Line immediately caved to laughing out loud.
"Sello!" Light shouted from the other side of the engine room. "Stop smashing our set!"
Sello saluted Light and said, "I ate the froot!"
"Why the hell did he scream like that?" Line cackled as the trio walked away.
…
"Fear my hope, you shit-eating ghoul! My hope's gonna fight you all the way!"
"Good."
Link's train of thought derailed. He was expecting to shout more at the Dreamweaver. But when that answer echoed through the darkness in a calm voice, Link had to stop and process the word.
The darkness began to lift. Link's eyes stung at the sight of light once again. The surface he had been walking on revealed to be like glass, showing him a clear view of the clouds and ocean beneath his feet. A look up showed him an almost opaque ceiling of white, the shadow of the Island Symphony hovering much closer than he had expected. The horizon was mostly obscure in pale mist, the glint of Sky Line shining through on occasion.
And directly in front of him, a skeleton of a man. Link jerked backwards at the sight of a Sorian man sitting on the floor in front of him, bony legs crossed with his hands resting on his lap. He wore only a pair of torn trousers, his sunken stomach and rib cage bare for Link to see. His flesh was a sickly brown color and mottled with lighter spots all over. About the only evidence that this man was a Sorian was the extra blade of flesh and bone protruding from his forearms, which would normally be covered in feathers. And covering his head…
Shhhhh hohhhhhh. Shhhhh hohhhhh.
… was Darth Vader's helmet. Link's expression shifted to bemused as he glanced back at the camera.
"That's it!" Light declared while throwing a copy of the script at the floor. "Give me the Vader helmet! I'm sick of the Star Wars references!"
…
Tale #31 of the Island Symphony – END
NOTICE: Yeah, this isn't canon…