CHAPTER ONE HUNDRED FORTY-ONE
It was weird to think of. They were all adults now; well, technically, they'd been adults since they were seventeen, but now they had graduated. They'd taken their N.E.W.T.s and been thrown into the Wizarding World. For Jane, it had to be simultaneously the most exciting and most frightening thing to happen to her. From the moment she had stepped off the Hogwarts Express for the last time, her heart seemed to miss a beat or two.
Mrs. Potter had welcomed them with her big smile and warm hugs; she had even cried when she'd gotten to James. Mr. Potter had given them all a grin, a proud, fatherly glint flickering in his eyes.
"Oh, my sweet little babies are all grown up!" Mrs. Potter had exclaimed, and though she still looked frail and sickly, her smile seemed to brighten her up a ton.
It had been over a week since they'd left school, plenty of time for Sirius to Confundus his way into a nice London flat for a low price. Of course, Jane had pointed out that he didn't need a low price on anything; he had plenty of gold. Of course, Sirius had replied with some trumped up defence about smart spending.
"Smart spending? You? But you're an impulse buyer," Jane had said. "Remember when you bought that painting of mine? You could've gotten it for free if you had just asked me for it; it's not like anyone else was going to buy it."
Sirius had opened his mouth to say something, but Jane had cut him off.
"And Bonnie? You can't tell me that wasn't an impulse buy."
"It wasn't! I really thought that one through," he had said, causing Jane to roll her eyes.
The conversation had ended with Sirius muttering something inaudible.
Jane was currently alone in her room, surrounded by boxes. She dropped some of her clothes down into the open cardboard box in front of her closet and sighed as she looked around. She gave a small, bittersweet smile at the room. Boxes littered the floor. Pictures were packed away. The dressing table had nothing on it anymore, and the closet was on its way to being empty as well. It sent a tiny chill up her spine to see everything all boxed up.
Mr. and Mrs. Potter hadn't seemed too surprised by the fact that Jane and Sirius were together. However, Mrs. Potter hated the idea of them leaving. After many assurances from the two that they would visit regularly, Mrs. Potter had (sort of) let the subject go.
Jane was happy. Just the day before, she'd finished her applications for the Pendle Hill Academy and to the Healing Academy in Essex. All she needed now before she could send them in were her N.E.W.T. results, which would arrive the first week of next month. She was very excited about living with Sirius—kind of nervous, but very excited. But, no matter how excited she felt about everything, she knew something was missing.
Jane was moving on with her life, becoming an adult, and her parents weren't there to see any of it. Her mother was long dead, and her father just didn't seem to care. Still, it felt wrong not to visit him, if not only to show him how well she'd done without him. Sirius didn't like that idea. He didn't like her father, and he didn't want her near him. Of course, Jane had decided to go anyway, and today was the day she was doing it.
Jane looked down at her wristwatch and sighed. She strolled out of her room, manoeuvring through boxes and suitcases. She stopped as she reached Sirius' open bedroom door. She leaned against the doorframe and smiled as she watched him carefully take down the picture she'd painted.
"You need to be in London in five minutes," Jane reminded him; he needed to be at the flat when the sofa he'd bought was delivered.
Sirius turned to her and grinned.
"I know," he said. "I'll probably be popping in and out all day, taking boxes and things to the flat. You got everything packed up and ready to go?"
"Almost," Jane said as Sirius made his way over to her. "Still have some clothes in the closet. I've just gotta toss them in a box."
Sirius smiled as he reached her. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into a kiss. When he pulled away, he smiled again.
"You sure you don't wanna come with me?" he asked.
"I'm scared of Apparation," she said. "Besides, I hear it doesn't feel too great, and the Knight Bus will just slow you down."
Sirius rolled his eyes.
"When exactly are you gonna get over that fear?" he asked, turning back to his book shelf to drop some of the books into a box.
"Never. I've see pictures of people who have been splinched in my textbooks. It looks very painful, and I want no part of that."
"Oh, fine," he said, dropping the last stack of books in the box. "I'll go see about this sofa, and I'll see you when I get back."
Sirius walked back to Jane, gave her a small kiss, and suddenly disappeared into thin air. Jane pushed away from the doorframe and quickly made her way downstairs. Mr. and Mrs. Potter had gone into London as well, just like they had back at Easter. So, Jane and James were the only ones there at the moment.
Jane had meant to slip out quietly, but she had never been a lucky person.
"Where are you going?"
Jane's hand fell from the door handle as she turned to face James, who was snacking on a bag of crisps.
"Out," she said.
James eyed her suspiciously.
"Out where?"
Jane saw no point in lying; she hated lying. So, she told him the truth. He listened quietly as he brushed crumbs off of his shirt.
"Didn't Sirius say that he didn't want you to do that?"
Jane rolled her eyes.
"So? He isn't the boss of me," she said. "Besides, this has nothing to do with him. I'm just gonna pop in for a visit, that's all. I just figured that maybe my dad should know how I'm doing."
"I don't know, Jane," James said. "You should at least have someone go with you."
"I'll be fine, James."
"Jane, the last time you saw your dad, you—"
"I remember, thank you very much!" Jane snapped. "I haven't seen my father in a whole year. I just—I just wanna see him."
"Okay, well, I'll go with you," James offered.
"No," Jane said adamantly. "I want to go by myself. I just— Look, Sirius has gone to London. I don't know when he's getting back, but when he does—"
"I'm not gonna lie to him," James said.
"I know, but could you just make him understand that this is important to me?"
"Why?"
"It just is, James," Jane said in an exasperated voice. "Besides, I'm not just going back to Stockbridge to see him. I'm going to see Sarah and Sammy. I'm going to put flowers on my mum's grave because I'm sure no one's done that since I've been gone. I have to—I just—I need to go, and I'm done talking about it."
Jane turned back to the door and pushed it open. James sighed and shook his head.
"He's gonna be angry that I let you go," James said.
Jane rolled her eyes.
"That you let me go?"
"I didn't mean it like that," James said.
"You can tell Sirius that I can make my own decisions when it comes to things like this and that he knows exactly where to find me if he has a problem with that."
And with that, Jane walked out of the house, slamming the door behind her.
It didn't take long for the Knight Bus to get Jane to Stockbridge, she'd had it drop her off at the end of her old street. As she stepped out onto the ground and looked around, she felt a wave of nostalgia wash over her.
Not much had changed in the year she'd been gone. The houses looked the same, and everything was as quiet as ever. She started to walk towards her house, but a small panic began to set in, and Jane suddenly found herself walking up to the Camden house instead. She figured Sarah's mum and step-dad would be at work; as Jane remembered, they had hardly ever seemed to have the weekends off. Jane knocked on the door and waited, but no one answered. She did this twice more with the same result each time.
So, Jane walked into town and caught a bus to Andover instead. When she reached the Gilmore house, Jane just stood there. She thought of turning around and walking to the Charlton Lakes, but Sammy's dad walked out of the garage.
"Can I help you?"
"Um, no, I was just—well, actually, is Sammy home?" she asked.
"No, she doesn't live here anymore," he said, a bit of disdain in his voice.
"Oh, well, do you know where I could find her?"
Mr. Gilmore looked at Jane warily.
"I'm sorry, but who are you?" he asked.
"It's me, Mr. Gilmore. Jane Hensworth. I was friends with Sammy and Sarah. I—"
"Oh, yeah, I remember you," Mr. Gilmore said. "I thought you moved away."
"I did," Jane said. "I just—do you know where I could find her?"
Mr. Gilmore frowned at the question.
"Samantha has decided that she would be better off living with her boyfriend's family since she could not properly abide by the rules of this household," he told Jane.
"Daniel Reyes?"
Mr. Gilmore nodded, his frown deepening.
"I've sort of forgotten where that's at. Could you point me in the right direction?"
Mr. Gilmore gave Jane directions to the Reyes house, and she began her walk. It wasn't too far away, but Jane sort of wished that she had a car or that she wasn't afraid to Apparate. She could have called the Knight Bus again, but she didn't want to overdo it.
Jane rapped on the door of the Reyes house. She chewed nervously on the inside of her lip as she waited.
"I'm coming!" Jane heard from inside the house, and she immediately recognised Sammy's voice. "If you're selling anything, we don't want—"
Sammy stopped as she opened the door and saw Jane standing in front of her.
"Hi," Jane said.
"Oh, my god!" Sammy said before attacking Jane with a crushing hug.
Jane laughed as she returned the hug.
"How are you? Come inside," Sammy said excitedly.
Jane walked into the house with Sammy and sat down on the sofa.
"Wow," Sammy said. "Jane Hensworth. I have to admit, I didn't think I'd see you again after you left."
"I told you that I'd visit," Jane said.
Sammy smiled.
"Oh, please. We both know that that was your last ditch effort to make Sarah and I feel better about still being stuck here while you ran off with those boys," she said.
Jane blushed.
"I didn't run off with them. I just—"
"Oh, relax, Jane. I know."
Jane smiled and looked down at the coffee table in front of her. She saw the astray filled with cigarette butts.
"Can I smoke in here?" Jane asked.
Sammy nodded.
"Yeah, Dan's parents do it all the time."
Jane grabbed her pack of smokes from her purse and offered one to Sammy, who shook her head. Jane's brow rose as she lit up a cigarette.
"You quit?" Jane asked.
"Sort of had to," Sammy said, and Jane gave her a curious look. "I'm not showing yet, but I'm sort of pregnant."
Jane coughed, choking on her cigarette smoke.
"What? Since when?" Jane demanded to know.
"'Bout two and a half months now."
"Oh, shit," Jane said, slumping back into the couch as she took in the new information.
"I know, right? You should've seen me when I figured out I was late. And when my parents found out? Man, it was World War Three right in our house," Sammy said.
"What happened?" Jane asked quietly. "I mean, why didn't you…?"
Jane's voice faded out. She had meant to ask why Sammy hadn't gotten rid of it, but saying it out loud just didn't feel like an appropriate thing to do.
Sammy shrugged, already knowing what Jane wanted to ask.
"I couldn't do it. I mean, I was going to. As soon as I found out, I got the money and went to the clinic, but I just chickened out I guess," Sammy said.
"Oh," was all Jane could say.
"Yup. Now, Dan's working on cars, and I'm working at the greengrocer in town. And we'll both probably be stuck here for the rest of our lives."
Jane didn't know how to respond to this. Sammy just let out a laugh.
"Well, hey. At least you and Sarah got out, right?"
"Where is Sarah? She wasn't at home," Jane said.
"No, she got accepted to uni. You just missed her. She's gonna be gone for about three weeks for some uni-preparatory program," Sammy said.
Again, Jane didn't know what to say, though she was proud of Sarah for being accepted to uni.
"Tyler's going to uni too," Sammy said.
"What about Jackson?"
"He works at the auto-repair shop with Dan."
"He still live with his dad?" Jane asked.
"Yeah, but I think he's looking for a new place to stay," Sammy said. "What about you? You going to uni?"
Jane nodded.
"Yeah, I'm gonna be a nurse," she told Sammy.
"That's nice. What about your boyfriend?"
"We sort of broke up," Jane said, knowing that Sammy was referring to Will.
"Why?"
"He left for uni," Jane lied. "Distance killed it."
"That sucks," Sammy said.
"I've got a new one though," Jane told her. "You remember my friend Sirius, right?"
The two sat and talked for about thirty minutes before Sammy had to leave for work. Jane walked with Sammy into town, and they went their separate ways. As Jane paid the bus fair, she realised that she was quickly running out of muggle money. Luckily, she wouldn't be using anymore muggle transportation that day.
Since it was closer, and since she was still scared, Jane walked to the cemetery on Winton Hill. She manoeuvred through the graves, coming to a stop at her mother's.
"Hi, Mum."
Jane sat on the ground in front of the headstone. She pulled out her wand and waved it, muttering an incantation under her breath. Roses sprang from the earth and grew up and around the headstone, and Jane smiled a little as she tucked her wand away.
"Wish you could've seen that. You would've loved it," Jane said aloud.
Then, she went quiet, looking down at her hands.
"It's been a while," she said after a bit. "A lot's changed since you've been gone. I left home; I went to live with the Potters. I tried to stay—I wanted to—but he just made it so hard."
Jane paused, looking for the right words.
"He just didn't care anymore, and it hurt because I cared so much, and I tried to bring him back, but in the end, it didn't matter. I guess couldn't care enough for the both of us."
She paused again. Then, she sighed, rubbing furiously at her stinging eyes.
"I've graduated, and I've got a boyfriend now. It's my friend Sirius. We're moving into a flat in London soon. James still doesn't like it, but at least he's stopped talking about it."
Jane stopped once more. She stared at her mother's name etched into the gravestone and frowned. She shook her head.
"No. I didn't come here to say good things to you. I didn't come here to tell you how great my life's been or how I got along just fine after you died because it wasn't and I didn't. I came to finally say everything that's been building up in me for two years now. And I'm probably gonna regret it all later and feel terrible for thinking it, but if in the long run it makes me feel a little better, then why not give it a go?
"First off, you were offered help more times than I can count or remember. And you just didn't care. You folded in on yourself like you were the only person that it affected. I don't know. Maybe you liked being that way. I mean, I kind of understand because I did the same thing after you died. I was falling apart, and I didn't want anyone to help me either. But you had to know that something wasn't right with you, that you needed help, because even the times when I believed that nothing was wrong with me, a part of me knew I was lying to myself. So, after all those years of you being the way you were, you had to know that you needed help, and you still refused it.
"Then, you just left. I mean, did you even think that through? You chose leaving me and Dad over getting help. How much pride can one person have? You devastated me. I never came back from that, you know? You changed who I was, and I never gave you the permission to do that, so what gave you the right?"
Jane rubbed her eyes again and blinked rapidly, refusing to cry, though her voice was already cracking.
"And you took my dad away, all the good parts of him at least. You killed yourself, and he got buried right there with you, and I felt so alone because of it, as if I wasn't in enough pain already. I bet if I dug up your grave and opened your casket that I'd find his heart in there too because he sure doesn't have it anymore. Or he didn't a year ago. There's no telling what he's doing now. I don't know if he got better or worse or whatever. All I know was that it was your fault. Kinda his fault too, but mostly yours.
"And I was only fifteen. What was I supposed to do without my parents? It should've been Dad that found weed in my room, not James. And he was supposed to tell me that I couldn't hang out with Sarah or Sammy anymore, and I was supposed to sneak out and do it anyway. And you, you were supposed to be there when I started dating Will. And you were the one that was supposed to hold me after he had to leave. There wasn't a day that went by that I didn't miss you, so screw you for that."
Jane sniffled a bit and ran her fingers through her dark hair.
"Oh, and fuck you for doing that to yourself with me in the house. It's been two years, and I still can't get that picture out of my head. That was my last memory of you. Not you telling me that you loved me, not your smile. No. It's you just lying there and blood everywhere. You have no idea how many nights I couldn't sleep because I was afraid to see that image when I closed my eyes. You have no idea how badly that fucked me up.
"And speaking of things that fucked me up, that note you left? What kind of shit was that? 'I love you. I'm sorry; I can't live like this anymore. This wasn't your fault.' I mean, what fuck? I needed an explanation. I needed closure. I needed something to blame, and you didn't give me any of that, so I just blamed myself! And you know what the most fucked up part is? I forgave you for almost everything, but I didn't even think about forgiving myself for something that I didn't even do."
Jane let out a bitter laugh as she wiped a few tears away.
"I hated myself more than anything. I mean, I didn't know I could hate anyone that much, let alone myself. But you know what? This is me forgiving myself to try and make up for two years of hurt and so much self-hatred I could swim in it. This is me forgiving myself for what you did."
Jane stood up, taking a deep breath.
"I guess I'm going to see Dad now," she said to the grave. "I don't hate you. I could never hate you, not even when I tried, not even when you probably deserved it. But in order to take the blame off myself, I've got to put it back on you. But don't worry; I'll forgive you again. I'm a lot better at forgiving other people than I am at forgiving myself."
Jane stuffed her hands in the pockets of her jeans and walked out of the cemetery. It was a little over a mile back to her old street, so it was around a twenty minute walk for Jane. She had spent a good bit of time in Stockbridge already, and she wondered if Sirius had gotten back from London yet. He probably had. Maybe he hadn't noticed her absence—he did have a lot to do after all. Or perhaps he had, or maybe James had told him as soon as he got back, which was probably the most likely.
Jane didn't have to wonder too long. Sirius appeared in front of her father's house just as she was passing Sarah's house.
"You shouldn't do things like that out in the open in a muggle neighbourhood," Jane called to him.
Sirius stared at her as she approached him.
"What are you doing?" he asked when she was closer to him.
"I'm going to see my dad," she answered.
"Janie, we talked about this," Sirius started.
"You talked about it; you didn't listen to what I had to say," she said. "You're under the impression that this is gonna be like last time, but you're wrong. I'm not here to get him to care, I'm just here to give him an update, I guess. Tell him I've graduated, tell him where I'm moving to, what I plan to do with my life."
"Why?"
Jane shrugged.
"I don't know," she said. "He's my dad, and I just need to tell him."
"I don't understand that," Sirius said honestly.
"I know, and I don't expect you to. I hardly understand it myself to be quite honest."
Sirius pursed his lips as he stared at Jane before shaking his head.
"Well, I'm going in with you then," he said.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"Why not?"
Jane flashed Sirius a grin.
"He's allergic to dogs."
"Oh, shut up," Sirius said, draping an arm over her shoulders as they walked up to the door of the house.
Jane took a deep breath before knocking loudly on the door. For a moment, she thought her father wouldn't answer, but as she went to knock a second time, the door was pulled open. Jane's breath caught in her throat for a moment, but she swallowed hard.
"Jane?"
"Hi, Dad."