CW: Brief suicidal thought (the feeling of wanting to die but nothing intense or explicit I promise), internalized homophobia, child abuse

-x-

Remus didn't know how long he stayed in the tub; since the water was cold, the temperature only changed a little bit. He got very wrinkly and very hungry, and when he heard his mother fixing supper he figured he had been in there for too long.

He climbed out, shivering from head to toe from soaking in cold water for so long. If he wasn't a werewolf, that probably would have been a very stupid thing to do; and even with his lycanthropy abilities he felt ill. His skin definitely looked even more unhealthy than usual and there was a blue tinge to some of his extremities.

I can't be.

He stripped his wet clothes off and, after drying off with a towel, put clean clothes on. By the time he went upstairs, his skin had gone from sitting-in-cold-water-pallor to its usual werewolf-pallor. He was barely aware of anything his parents talked about which he thought was probably the heat, until his father mentioned Diagon Alley.

We're going in tomorrow, he realized, stomach twisting. He had been excited to go in since getting the list. Now… he didn't want to go. He didn't want to go anywhere. He wanted to lay in his bed and die. Or at least, not go anywhere where other people were.

I'm not, he thought miserably as he poked his food. I can't be. I can't be!

"I'm not hungry." He pushed the food away. "I—I ate too much earlier. S-sorry." He got up and went downstairs to lay in bed, staring at the ceiling.

I'm not. That wasn't—I didn't—

Every time something had happened since his talk with Lily, he had found an excuse for his wrong feelings. Or, almost every time something happened. A couple of things he simply had buried deep inside of him to pretend it never happened.

He sighed, wrapping his arms around his pillow as he tried to figure out if he could bury this too.

Bury the desire to be held by and kissed by—

How am I ever going to face him again?! He gave a small wail at that and put the pillow over his face. He couldn't. He couldn't ever look at Sirius ever again. No, no, it didn't mean anything, it didn't MEAN ANYTHING!

He suffered for the rest of the evening and all night long, having nightmares. A lot revolved around Sirius finding out and either telling everybody Remus was a disgusting freak or outright killing him. Remus woke up several times crying. At one point he even bolted upright screaming, "I'M NOT!"

His mother came down into the cellar shortly after, to check on him. "You didn't seem well at supper," she noted.

"I—I think it's the heat," he whimpered, not protesting when she pulled him into her arms. He curled up against her, wishing he was eleven again, wishing he hadn't ever gone to Hogwarts—

Almost wishing he hadn't ever gone to Hogwarts.

Sort've.

Hope rocked him gently before tucking him into bed. Part of him wanted to ask her to stay with him, but he knew if he did he'd never be able to convince her he wasn't a little kid. He did let her sing him to sleep, and then woke up an hour later from more nightmares.

By the time morning came, he was completely exhausted and not any better than the evening before. All the thoughts still haunted him, clinging to his consciousness with wretched persistence.

Rather have nightmares of when I was bitten, he grumped to himself as he poked at his breakfast. The full moon was only a week away, so hopefully after that his nightmares would return to the other stuff. Well, he'd rather not have any nightmares at all but…

"You need to eat," Hope said, noticing he hadn't taken a single bite. "You didn't eat last night."

"I—I got some snacks in the middle of the night," Remus lied quickly.

"No wonder you had nightmares," Lyall mumbled from behind the paper.

Remus ducked his head, pushing the eggs around. He wondered what his father would do or say if he told him what happened. Actually, father, I had nightmares because I want to kiss a boy. Yeah, that'd go over well.

He realized what he thought, and almost got sick right there and then. It took a lot of effort to push back the nausea.

After breakfast the Lupins piled into the car so Hope could drive them to London. Remus watched the scenery go by out the window, doing whatever he could not to think about things. Counting animals, trying to see how many different colored vehicles they passed, and finally translating the song lyrics from the radio into Welsh and French. His head began hurting on and off and by the time they finally got to London he was feeling sick again.

What if I see him in Diagon Alley? He sunk back in his seat, rubbing his eyes. He knew Sirius wouldn't do or say anything but just seeing him, the day after, would be unbearable.

"How come Mum isn't coming in with us?" Remus asked after Hope dropped them off outside the Leaky Cauldron.

"She has difficulty being in concentrated magical places," Lyall explained as they went into the pub. "She's always worried about being seen as a Muggle and not belonging."

I know the feeling, he thought as his eyes darted around the pub to see if he knew anyone. There weren't many people there and they were all adults anyway.

"Right," Lyall said as they went out back and past the brick wall. "Two more uniforms—"

"Three."

Lyall looked down at Remus with a frown. "Three? You don't need five. Four total will do you. Uniforms and books, as well as…"

"Potions kit refill," Remus reminded him, glancing around as they walked down the street. "And tarot cards. Oh, could—could I get some treats for Arthur?"

Lyall let out a heavy sigh. "If we have the money, maybe."

Remus spotted someone with long black hair and froze up, then relaxed when he saw it was a girl he didn't recognize. He sucked in some air and hurried to catch up with his father. His skin tingled and he was on edge, trying his best to keep his breathing under control. Every time he saw someone around his own age he felt slightly panicked until he confirmed it was someone he didn't know. At one point he saw a girl with red hair from behind and he nearly dragged his father into the nearest shop, but when the girl turned it was most definitely not Lily.

They went to the ingredients store first and Remus handed his kit over to the clerk to have it refilled with everything needed for his third year. Unfortunately this was one thing they couldn't get used, and the final amount was a lot higher than Remus expected. His stomach twisted and guilt radiated off his body as Lyall handed over the money.

"S-sorry," he whispered when they left.

"Can't be helped," Lyall grunted.

They went into the divination store next which smelled very strongly of various teas. Remus saw his reflection bouncing off hundreds of crystal balls and there was an enormous set of runic dice spinning slowly in the air in the center of the shop. There were so many different decks of tarot cards, Remus had no idea which set to get. He wound up asking the shopkeeper for the cheapest deck he could get for Divination class who found him a simple deck with a minimalist design; the cards were black and silver with splashes of each house color. Red, yellow, blue, and green. The back of the cards had the Hogwarts crest done in black and silver.

"We also have copies of Comprehending the Cards," the shopkeeper said.

"Er, we—we—um—Flourish an—and B-Blott's," Remus stammered out. "Sorry," he added, feeling like he had to apologize. The shopkeeper shrugged, not bothered by this as he rang up the cards.

Next up were uniforms and finally Flourish and Blotts. There were some other students there and Remus recognized one, though they barely knew each other so there wasn't any risk. Thankfully at least they found used copies of all the books, although when Remus checked Don't Die! he saw it had been updated in 1971 so he wouldn't be able to use his father's copy.

Lyall raised an eyebrow when Remus finished putting all the books in the basket and struggled to carry it. Not that it was heavy, but it kept bumping against him in an uncomfortable manner. "If you can't carry them all here, how do you expect to carry them at school?"

"I can c-carry them," he protested. "Besides, I won't have all my classes on the same day. I won't need all of them at the same time—"

"Lupin!"

Remus dropped the basket, eyes going huge with fear. Lyall's lips twisted into a scowl as a boy ran over.

"H—hello, Rivers," Remus stammered out.

"Bloody hell you've got a lot of books there," Donald Rivers said, peering into the basket as Remus picked it back up. "Are you really taking all the electives? Si said you were but…"

"Er, y-yes…"

Rivers laughed. "Better you than me. I'm just in Divination and Magical Creatures. Have you gotten your tarot deck yet? I got a really neat Quidditch deck."

Remus hefted the basket back up as the handles were slipping out of his sweaty palms. "Yes, I f-f-found—er, got—I got a—one in, um, black and s-silver with—with house c-colors."

"Oh yeah, I saw some of the Hogwarts houses ones and thought about getting one of those," Rivers said, nodding enthusiastically. "But I liked the Quidditch one better. Anyway, I better go. Good seeing you!" He gave Remus's arm a pat and ran off.

Lyall turned to look at Remus as soon as Rivers disappeared down another aisle. "Er, he—we—we were partners for a Herbology project and—and I helped him out with, er, something else too." He elected not to say that the 'something else' was a huge prank on the three older students who were bullying Rivers, and hoped his father would assume it was something related to school.

"Let's go buy the books," Lyall said darkly, obviously uncomfortable with even that little of an interaction. "Only partners?"

"Y—yes," he squeaked, following his father. "We had to meet up a-a-a f-few times for the—the project. I hardly know him."

"Mm." Lyall was not happy. But he refrained from saying anything else on the matter as they went to stand in line.

Even used, the cost of the books was great; the certificate helped but definitely didn't cover all of it. If Fawley hadn't helped out, there is absolutely no way I could take all the electives, Remus thought as the shopkeeper slipped all the books into a bag.

He grew excited about getting home and looking at all his new books! At least until they left the shop and Remus caught a glimpse of a tall, dark-haired boy around his age. It was not Sirius, but it was enough to send a shock through his body and remind him of everything that happened the day before.

I'm not. I'm not, I can't be. Each step made his stomach twist up more and more. I can't be, it's wrong, it's very wrong, and disgusting and—I'm a monster already I can't be more of one, I can't have more wrongness about me! I can't, I CAN'T!

At least Legilimency (or, the kind Fawley used) only saw memories and not actual thoughts. Even if she saw what happened all she'd see was him jumping into the cold water which he could play off as being too hot—although, she didn't stay in any memory where he was alone in case of…

His cheeks suddenly began burning, thinking about that. Then suddenly he began panicking that he was allowing these thoughts to float freely about his mind in such a crowded place! Er, maybe not crowded-crowded, but with enough people that he became uncomfortable. What if someone with Legilimency—powerful Legilimency that he couldn't detect—peered into his thoughts right then and there?

"What's the matter?" Lyall grumbled as Remus began looking wildly around for anyone who might be staring at him.

"N-nothing. I'm ready to go home, is all." He felt on edge, like his skin was trying to crawl away from his body. He wanted away from people.

He wanted away from his own thoughts.

I'm not. I can't be. I CAN'T be!

"As am I. Hopefully your mother is back already."

She was not, and they were obliged to wait in the Leaky Cauldron until she did return. Remus sat in his seat, leg jiggling, heart pounding, and palms sweaty. His heart jumped into his throat when the fireplace roared and out stepped a man who looked vaguely like Sirius.

Is that his father? Is Sirius here today?!

A young blonde girl emerged and Remus's shoulder sagged as he realized it was Sirius's cousin Narcissa Black, and her parents.

"She's here," Lyall said, having spent the time peering out the rather grimy window that looked out onto the Muggle street. He got up, grabbing the bag with Remus's books while Remus carried everything else out to the car.

"Did you find everything?" Hope inquired as they piled in.

"Bloody damn expensive," Lyall grumbled. "Even used! It's ridiculous! Refilling Remus's potion kit probably cost more for this year than it did for all six of my refills put together! And the books!"

Remus sank down in his seat, clutching the bag that held his uniforms and feeling guilty and expensive, while Lyall ranted about money for a good half hour until finally quieting down.

It's my fault. The familiar thought rang in his head as he blinked back tears. Every time his parents discussed money all he could think about was how it was his fault they were so poor. His fault; he had been bitten resulting in his father leaving his ministry job for one that barely scraped by.

Is it my fault, though? He thought about the shadowy figure he kept having nightmares about. The one that would always grab him and take him to the wolf. He frowned, staring out the window as he struggled to remember… but everything simply slipped away, and he had no idea.

That night, after they got home, he tried to ask his parents about the night he was bitten, as he wanted to focus on that instead of—of the other stuff. Focus on the definite monster inside of him, instead of the possible other monster inside of him.

Hope looked ready to cry while Lyall yelled at Remus that that was a sensitive subject and how dare he bring it up! Especially so close to the full moon! Remus argued that he wanted to know about that night, that he had a right to know, and Lyall dragged him down to his room, throwing him in and shutting the door.

"How could you poke at a subject you know we don't talk about? Especially after I spent so much money on you today!" Lyall shouted at the closed door, while Remus stood on the other side clenching his fists as the wolf rose inside of him. "You are NOT to bring it up again! All you're going to do is upset your mother! Do you understand?"

"Why can't you and I talk about it, then?!" Remus shouted right back. "Away from her!"

The door flung open, the handle slamming hard into the stone wall. Remus began backing up, tripping over one of the bags behind him and falling on his backside. "S-s-s-sorry!" he gasped out, pushing himself backwards as his father loomed above him. "Sorry—I'm sorry—I'm sorry—"

Lyall's hand came down, slapping Remus across the face. Remus whimpered, clutching the stinging spot as Lyall left, slamming the door shut behind him. Remus pushed himself back a little more until his back was against the edge of his bed.

Deserved that, I deserved that, I shouldn't have yelled…

Rubbing his cheek as the pain faded, he slowly got to his feet, sniffling a little as he began putting his new things away.

Despite the shame of being smacked by his father, part of him rather wished the slap had been harder. Hard enough to slap the thoughts right out of his head.

-X-

REMUS!

BEST PLAN EVER

PRANK

BEST PRANK EVR

MERLIN'S BEARD

NO

MERLIN'S ARMPIT HAIRS!

OKAY WILL TELL PLAN ON TRAIN BUT NEED YOUR HELP! BRAIN HELP! NEED A SPELL TO MAKE

how to explain?

SOUNDS! IN ROOM! WHEN NOT IN ROOM!

I mean okay need a spell that will take a sound we are making in another room and put it in another room. does that make sense?

Okay I mean me and sirius making sounds somewhere on maybe the first floor away from the great hall but the sounds we are making happen in the great hall.

CAN THAT BE DONE?!

PLEASE HELP WITH YOUR BRAIN REMY!

James "Most Brilliant Prankster To Ever Exist" Potter

ps I really hope next week goes ok for you ill be thinking of you! I don't have any chocolate at hand so I hope the gummy cauldrons will be good enough to help!

-X-

Remus's nightmares grew worse. It was always either about being—like that—or else the night he was bitten. He tossed and turned every night, waking up constantly, trying not to scream too loud. His mother heard him every time and went down to the cellar to comfort him. After several nights of this, Lyall lightly suggested they put a silencing spell on the cellar.

"It's already on the room where he… transforms," Lyall said carefully, trying not to notice the look of horror openly on Hope's face. "It wouldn't be much different."

"I think instead we should talk about the nightmares," she said stiffly. "Try to figure out why he is having them." She turned to give Remus a gentle look. "Darling… what is going on?"

Remus wasn't in a very good mood that morning. He was utterly exhausted from lack of sleep and constant thoughts about how he wasn't like that, and the full moon was only a couple nights away. "I wake up in a puddle of my own blood and torn flesh every so often?" he suggested.

Hope flinched while Lyall slammed his hands on the table. "Remus!"

"Well," he sniffled, "you asked. Maybe we could talk, though. I've been having nightmares about the night it happened, when I was bitten, and maybe if you tell me—"

"We aren't talking about that!" Hope burst into tears. "I've said before!"

Remus ducked his head, knowing he had, once again, gone too far. "You asked…"

Lyall got to his feet, looking ready to hit Remus again. Remus shrank back in his chair. After staring at him for a moment, Lyall went over to the cellar door. "I'm going to put a silencing spell on your door—"

"What if something happens and he needs us?" Hope asked, crying into her napkin.

"The only thing I wouldn't heal from is if someone comes in with a silver weapon to kill me," Remus pointed out, pushing his plate away and slumping down, folding his arms. "And if that happens I doubt it would matter if you heard me or not, I'd still be bloody bugge—"

"REMUS!" Hope screeched before he could finish. "WE DO NOT USE THAT SORT OF LANGUAGE!"

"S-sorry, Mum," he said quickly, knowing it was too late. He had pushed a lot of buttons, and wasn't even sure why he had. Only whenever his parents spoke to him today he felt like snapping back.

Lyall put the spell on the cellar door then pointed at the stairs. "Your room," he said through clenched teeth. "Go."

Remus got up, not arguing. He had crossed the line and knew it. "I am sorry," he mumbled.

"If you were sorry, you would stop giving us this attitude," Lyall said, crossing his arms and glaring as Remus scuttled over. "You are constantly talking back and if you were actually sorry you would stop!"

He glanced up through his fringe. He was sorry, though! He really was. He hated hurting his parents like that, especially after everything he did for them. He couldn't help giving an attitude sometimes. Sometimes it felt like he was a bundle of rubber balls—one snap and everything exploded.

"I am," he said.

"Then you need to prove you are."

Remus trudged down into the basement, rubbing his arms, realizing he really needed to try harder at holding back the things he wanted to say. At holding back his temper. At holding back the feeling of a tide rising up inside of them wanting to scream that—that—

Well, he wasn't sure what he wanted to scream, just that he wanted to.

He flopped onto his bed, putting his pillow over his face in case he did scream, and hoped he could earn his parents' forgiveness for everything he said.

-X-

Dear Lily 10/8/73

As you know by the time you get this letter, I was unable to go into Diagon Alley. My father wanted to go in earlier in the week and I couldn't convince him otherwise. As it turns out it was for the best, as yesterday I fell into a bad relapse. I'm doing a little better but Mum thinks it'll be a while before I am back in full health—or what little of it I had. Either way, perhaps don't worry about sending me any letters for a week or so? I hate to ask that, but it is painful enough to write this and I doubt I'll be able to reply anytime soon.

I am very sorry, and I hope your trip to Diagon Alley goes well. I cannot wait to see you in only a couple of weeks!

Yours, Remus

PS: ignore the letter for Peter, he is once again allowing me use of Cocoa. I don't know what I would do without him!

Dear Peter 10/8/73

All right I hope by the time this returns to you, you will have managed to calm down. I will help you rewrite your essay as soon as we get on the train. I am sorry that it was ruined, though the fact you spilled gravy AND strawberry sauce on it makes me wonder what in Merlin's name you were eating?

Have you looked at any of the books we have for our new classes? I am assuming not, as I assume I am the only Marauder who (more than) happily does so. In any case, the book for Muggle Studies is actually very informative and, as far as I can tell, quite correct! Which is extremely impressive. The person who wrote it has two Muggleborn parents, so I suppose that is why it isn't filled with the usual… what-magical-folk-think-Muggles-can-do nonsense. This gives me a lot of hope and excitement for the class. I'm really hoping it's very educational… or rather, I hope James and Sirius are willing to take in the information and won't simply treat this as an easy pass. Sirius has expressed interest in the class at least!

There are many reasons I wish I could tell my parents that I have friends but one I did not think of until the last full moon, and that is on my mind since the full moon starts the day after tomorrow is… I don't have your blanket here! I could never explain how I had it—why I had it—to my parents. One thing I am looking forward to is having the blanket back! I truly am thankful and grateful for the present. It was an extremely thoughtful and wonderful gift.

Has James mentioned any 'brilliant' new prank? He's asked me to find out some spells. I've been doing research but so far I haven't been able to find any. I think I'll be able to find what I need once I have access to the library. I think what he wants is a fifth year spell, though I am not entirely sure.

I think Sirius is up to something too. The last letter he sent to me he kept going on about an idea he had though wouldn't tell me a single word. He said I needed to wait until Hogwarts, and he needed your help, and James's help. Care to fill me in? Ha ha. Actually no, I'm not joking, I genuinely am curious. But I won't press you. It's just a little difficult sometimes to know there is something going on maybe involving me, and I have no idea what it is. Do you know what I mean? Perhaps I am being paranoid. Sorry, if this is an odd ramble…

Exhausted already, Remus