A/N: It's Scarlett's creator's (my sister's) birthday today! Hooray! To celebrate, here's an extra chapter update for the week. Enjoy!
**I do not own Voltron: Legendary Defender (duh)
Despite how exhausted she was, Mari couldn't get herself to sleep that night. Every time she closed her eyes, nightmares of the Druid and that horrible cell threatened to flood her mind. She was too on edge knowing that the lions and their paladins were right on their doorstep. She was forced to lay there, restlessly staring up at the ceiling.
"You can't sleep," Acxa's voice was quiet enough not to disturb the darkness, and Scarlett, Mitsubishi, and Treble continued to doze.
Mari shifted on her sleeping mat, turning on her side to look at where Acxa was reclined next to her. "How could you tell?"
"Your breathing is off," she answered, as if this were the simplest thing in the world. "It's too frantic for you to be unconscious."
"You always this attentive at night?" Mari wondered dryly.
"I'm always aware of my surroundings."
Mari hummed but didn't say any more. Acxa waited several seconds before wondering, "Are you having nightmares again?"
"Kinda. I've got a lot on my mind, if you haven't noticed."
"I know."
"Hopefully my head will clear once the paladins leave."
Acxa's brow furrowed. "You're still set on not going home?"
Mari hesitated before replying, "Yep."
"What about your friends on Earth?" Acxa asked. "And your father?"
"It's not that I don't want to go home or see them again," Mari sighed, wrestling with the conflicting feelings burning inside her. "I just…I don't want to be stuck in a cramped space with them on a who-knows-how-long roadtrip. I don't trust myself to keep sane."
Acxa's eyes seemed to glow in the near pitch of the cave as they reflected the dying embers of the fire nearby. "You can't push them away forever," she said gently. "You won't heal that way. You won't move on."
"You're one to talk," Mari huffed, her irritation rising. "You don't ever think about going back to your home planet and reconnecting with your mom."
Acxa was quick to defend herself. "That's because I know it is a futile effort. My mother has hated me from birth. I did not grow up surrounded by people who loved me. There is nowhere for me to return to." She sighed, steadying herself before continuing, "But you have your Earth. You have a family and friends waiting for you. You have the paladins who will do anything to see you happy. They insisted on finding you first before continuing with their journey. They want to apologize and reconnect with you."
"Well, I'm not ready to do that," Mari stubbornly insisted. "Matt and Ellosh and all our allies are still out here, forced to hide and live in fear. I won't go home and leave you or Scarlett or any of the others behind."
"We aren't doing any better than the rest of the coalition. Out here on our own, we're no help to anyone as we are now," Acxa reminded her, waving a careless hand at their current makeshift camp in the cave. "Go back to Earth with the paladins. Help them to keep moving forward. Let yourself move forward. You should return to your home if you still have one and it is accepting of you."
A stab of guilt made some of the fire die down in Mari's heart. She was being given the chance to return to her planet, to her family and friends, while her teammates desperately wanted a place to call home. Acxa had practically been shunned by her people, on both sides of her lineage. Scarlett's home planet was no more. And Mitsubishi and Treble had been taken and driven out of their homes twice. They really didn't have anywhere else to go, unlike her.
"You should come with me to Earth," she suggested. Maybe if her crew went with her, it would make the trip more bearable with the paladins. Located in a younger part of the universe, far away from any Galra warlords and pirates, they could all find safety on Earth.
Acxa, however, didn't seem as taken with her proposal. "I don't think that's a good idea," she murmured. "Your people might not be ready to accept my kind. And I don't think I'm ready to face them."
Mari's heart sank. "I don't want to go alone with them."
"Scarlett can go with you. She can help with Earth's defenses."
"But what would you do? Where would you go?"
"Treble, Mitsubishi, and I can stay behind and find the Vurelleans and the other rebels," Acxa said, casting the snoring Flouwan and Thollan a knowing look. "We'll tell them that Voltron's returned. It will bring hope back to the coalition. And then maybe, once it's safe to go, we'll all head to Earth."
Mari didn't respond as she mulled over her words. It would mean so much to despairing freedom fighters that Voltron was back. After enduring three long and tumultuous years of fighting and fleeing and mourning their dead, their symbol of freedom had miraculously returned and would save them all.
But she knew better than to get her hopes up for the legendary hero. Mari had no clue how long it would take the paladins to reach Earth and get ready to liberate the rest of the universe. And with all the warlords lurking about, there was no telling how many times the lions would be attacked or captured on the way home. There were too many questions and too many doubts whirling around in her head. After the battles she'd experienced and the deaths she'd witnessed, her daring streak and drive to leap into the unknown had severely diminished.
"Promise me you'll think about it a little longer," Acxa requested, bringing her back to the present. She granted Mari a tiny smile, kindly encouraging her, "Don't worry about us so much. Just be honest with yourself and figure out what you really want to do."
Mari let out a heavy sigh and rolled onto her back. "Okay," she relented, unable to say no to her. "I'll try."
It was a task easier said than done. As breakfast time rolled around and the paladins gathered in the cave once more, Mari couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. She promptly excused herself when she felt an anxiety attack coming on and she took her food to the quiet privacy of the Kintsugi again.
After several minutes of focusing on taking deep breaths to calm her racing heart and mind, she began to nibble on the omelet-esq meal Hunk had whipped up for them. His cooking was as superb as ever. After going three years without it, she relished every bite, the juicy tenderness, the assortment of flavors, and all. She devoured it until there was nothing left on her plate.
Activating her gauntlet's display, she scrolled to her "Real" and "Real or Not" lists, having converted them to her systems months ago. She added two more points below the "Real" half of the list.
WHAT I KNOW IS REAL
- My name is Mariko Shirogane. I am from Earth. I'm 21ish. I am a pilot. I have a ship called the Kintsugi.
- I like egg rolls. I hate the dark.
- I came to space in the Blue Lion.
- I was a rebel officer on Vurelle.
- Voltron did not come to help us.
- I am scared to be alone.
- Mitsubishi, Treble, Scarlett, & Acxa are with me.
- Hunk's cooking is the best.
- Voltron has returned.
WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS REAL OR NOT
- I hate the paladins?
Mari glanced sourly at the "Real or Not" half of the list. It had changed a lot in the last three years. She knew she wasn't weak. She knew she wasn't stupid or useless or unloved, at least not to her small team of four. She knew she wasn't nothing. Average and boring and relatively unsuccessful, maybe. But not nothing. No one was nothing. Someone always meant something to someone else, and she was content with her four comrades reminding her of this everyday in all the little things they did for her.
Yet her heaviest point still remained on the list. She knew she didn't hate the paladins. Hatred was what she truly felt towards enemies like Haggar and Sendak and the Druids. It was a dark emotion that ignited instant and unquenchable rage. But when she thought about the paladins, a confusing flurry of opposing emotions sparked within her. Anger. Guilt. Sadness. Longing. And sometimes nothing at all. She didn't hate them, that was for sure. She just didn't know what she felt towards them anymore.
She tried to imagine herself going home with them. She wouldn't know what to do. She wouldn't know what to say. They would no doubt feel awkward having her around, especially considering she'd tried to kill them just yesterday. Why did they even want to take her home knowing that it would cause discomfort for everyone? Would her going with them really help them to move forward in their journey?
An incoming call drew Mari's attention to her comms. She closed her lists and answered with a tight, "What?"
"Pidge and Coran checked the lions. They should be charged enough to go tomorrow morning," Scarlett relayed. "What do you want us to do today?"
Mari thought for a moment. "I don't like how close Ezor and Zethrid's cruiser was to us. It'll only bring more pirates to the area now that it's been destroyed," she said, delving into leader mode as her voice took on an air of firm authority. "Let's start packing up. We'll move to our next location tomorrow morning too."
"Yes, ma'am," Scarlett affirmed before signing off.
Sighing, Mari ran a hand through her dark hair. She supposed she'd better get out there and help while Acxa figured out where they'd be heading to next. Putting on a brave face and steeling herself, she exited the Kintsugi and prepared to face the day.
After Acxa suggested they gradually make their way towards Kythra to where Ellosh and most of the other Vurelleans and refugees were hunkered down, carefully mapping out their hidden stopping points along the way, they began to break down camp. Trying to avoid the paladins proved to be impossible for Mari as they insisted on helping her clear out the cave.
"Can't you guys find something else to do?" she griped, watching as Hunk lifted one of their large crates of supplies with ease. "We don't need your assistance."
"Ah puh puh!" Lance shushed her, making her eye twitch in irritation. "It's the least we can do after you let us crash here."
"Besides, it'll make the job go quicker," Pidge pitched in, although she was grunting and visibly struggling to lift a crate on her own. Mari sighed and picked it up for her.
"Yeah. Sooo much quicker," she muttered. She headed towards the Kintsugi with it and loaded it into the storage hold. When she turned around, she nearly jumped out of her skin seeing the cosmic wolf right behind her. It booped its nose against her hand and followed her back to the cave.
"Will you tell your dog to stop following me around?" Mari said, shooting Keith a glare as she scooped up another box.
He looked at the wolf and then at her. "It's not my fault he likes you," he said with a shrug, and she had to restrain herself from smacking him.
Speaking of dogs, Shiro was hovering at the edge of the action, looking like a kicked puppy as he watched her. Unlike the others, he'd wisely kept his distance since she'd punched him. But she could always feel him staring at her, as if he were struggling to find the right moment to approach. It put Mari more on edge with each passing minute until she was on the verge of snapping.
"I swear to god, I'm gonna lose it if he keeps looking at me like that," she grumbled to Acxa as they loaded the last of their supplies.
Acxa cast a glance at Shiro. "He wants to make peace with you before they go."
Mari almost laughed, incredulous. "If he expects me to apologize to him, then he's in for disappointment."
"I think it's the opposite. He's the one who wants to apologize," she replied with a shake of her head. "You should talk to him."
"I don't have anything to say to him," Mari scowled.
"Then don't talk. Just hear him out." Acxa firmly shut the Kintsugi's storage hold and nodded towards the former leader of Voltron. "It will at least get him to stop watching you like that."
Mari swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry and her heart rate picking up speed just at the thought of approaching him. "If I do, will you promise not to take your eyes off us?" she asked. "Just to make sure he won't…hurt me?"
"I promise," Acxa said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I doubt he will, but I won't let him hurt you."
Taking a deep breath, Mari steadied herself before striding over to where Shiro was standing next to Krolia and Allura by the Black Lion, no doubt discussing where their next stops would be on their way to Earth. Their conversation ended as she approached, the princess's eyes brightening in greeting while Krolia's expression remained neutral.
"The Kintsugi's all packed, save for some essentials to get through the night," Mari said, careful to keep her tone even and formal. "We'll be leaving tomorrow after you guys."
The joy from Allura's face fell. "Oh. That it is…good to hear," she said, although her disappointed demeanor indicated otherwise.
"With the DT gone, the Kintsugi can't hold everything we brought with us. You and the other paladins are welcome to whatever's left behind," Mari added, jabbing a thumb to the small stack of crates that had been placed outside the cave.
Allura stared at the extra supplies, her brow furrowed. She looked like she wanted to say more, but Krolia spoke up instead.
"Thank you," she said, nodding curtly as she began to move towards the pile. "We'll give you two some privacy while we look through it."
The princess's frown deepened. She hesitated before reluctantly joining Krolia, giving the humans the space they needed to talk. As soon as they were both out of hearing range, Mari whirled on Shiro, making him stiffen.
"I can feel your eyes boring into the back of my head, old man," she snapped.
"Old man? …Oh," he mumbled to himself, self-consciously running his hand through his white locks. "I, um…Sorry about that."
Mari folded her arms over her chest, grounding herself for whatever was to come next. "What do you want? Just spit it out already."
Shiro sighed, giving in. There was no use beating around the bush, not when their time together was limited. His expression was taut as he tried to determine how to start.
"…You really have come a long way since we first came out here. You learned how to fly, you've got your own ship, you're even a leader of the rebel forces," he reflected. A hint of nostalgia lingered in his gaze as he looked at her. "I can't tell you how proud I am of you."
He paused, waiting for her reaction. When she said nothing, the hope in his eyes flickered.
"Before we were captured by Zethrid and Ezor, we stopped by Vurelle thinking we'd find you. Instead, we saw the wreckage Sendak left behind," he continued. "Orix was there, slowly trying to fix things. He made graves for the dead. I – I thought we'd lost you too. It felt like my heart was being ripped out. It still feels like that, knowing what you've had to endure on your own these last few years."
Mari's shoulders tensed, her irritation burning hotter. But whether it was because Orix had emerged from his banishment to "fix things" or because the paladins had seen the results of her failure to protect the planet, she wasn't sure.
"Let me guess: Scarlett told you my entire sob story. I know I'm a broken, irreparable mess," she said, resentment dripping from her words. "If this is just you pitying me, then I don't want to hear it. I don't need your sympathy."
"I'm not pitying you," Shiro urged, his tone gentle and without a hint of doubt. His expression was soft and open as he said, "You aren't broken, Mari. When I look at you, I don't see pieces. I see you whole. All of the things you've gone through have shaped you. They've changed you. But they are not who you decided to be. You are still you. Whole and beautiful and unbreakable. And seeing you here, I just…I can't get over how relieved and thankful I am to see you alive."
She stared at him, mulling over his words as she tried to determine whether or not to believe him. The cold look in his eyes had disappeared since she last saw him at the alliance ball, having been replaced with a familiar warmth and honesty. The clipped harshness that had constantly crept at the edges of his voice when he'd addressed her was long gone, almost as if he had never dared speak to her with such contempt in the first place. It was like he was a completely different person from the man she and Keith had found stranded in that lone Galra fighter ship all those years ago. It was like he had returned to being the serious but loving and patient and silly brother she had grown up with. He was making it so hard not to trust him.
Shiro stared thoughtfully up at the Black Lion, unbothered by her continued silence. "Do you remember those dreams you had after I disappeared from the fight with Zarkon?" he asked. "We were in a dark and strange landscape. I had asked you for help before I ended up sending you away."
Mari's eyes widened as she recalled. "That was really you in those dreams?" He glumly nodded. "How? Was that a part of Haggar's magic when she controlled you?"
He grimaced at the mention of the witch's name. "No. That was the power of the Black Lion." His frown deepened as he relived the old memories, elaborating, "After Voltron's fight with Zarkon, I woke up in that place. I was alone. I couldn't tell how much time had passed. For a long time, I didn't know what had happened to me. It wasn't until Keith began to pilot the Black Lion and you began to look for me that I realized I had no physical form. I could see and hear you two, but whenever I tried to call out, neither of you could hear or see me. You both thought I was missing, but the truth is…I died."
His voice trailed off as he nervously anticipated her response. Mari stared at him, uncomprehending. She looked him up and down from head to toe, noting how he was very clearly still alive and amongst the physical realm. "Well, it wouldn't be the first time," she said, with a dry chuckle.
He didn't find it as funny. "I'm being a hundred percent serious," he calmly promised. "The Black Lion was able to preserve my essence. It allowed me to exist in its consciousness and it encouraged me to try reaching out to the team. It was difficult and near impossible when everyone was so out of sync. But somehow, I was able to reach you first. I tried to tell you where I was, but the connection was still too weak. And when it suddenly strengthened after your fight on Vurelle, I got scared. You were near death at the time. I thought I was pulling your consciousness into the Black Lion. I thought I was going to kill you, so I…I sent you away."
"You're not even supposed to be here. If you're here now, it means you're…"
"I can't keep you here. You have to wake up."
Mari hadn't forgotten his words. She hadn't understood them then, but now it was starting to make sense. She had been in the healing pod at the time, very much in between life and death after her time in the arena on Vurelle. This whole time, he had just been worried for her.
"So you…died," she said, seeking clarification as she tried to process all this new information. "Like, for real this time."
"Yes."
"And you were haunting us and lurking in my dreams because your ghost or whatever got sucked into the Black Lion."
"Yes." Shiro cringed, very much aware of how weird and unreal it all sounded. "My body – my original body, perished in that battle."
The budding unease within her grew. "What do you mean your 'original body'?" she asked, her alarm rising as she suddenly remembered how Lance had wondered if she was a clone too. "What the hell are you now? Who was that Takashi we found near Thayserix?"
"That was a clone, made by and once controlled by Haggar," he explained, his scowl returning at the thought of it. "The Black Lion sensed his presence. It thought I could get my body back. We didn't expect the clone to be conscious with all my memories. We didn't expect him to go on living as me."
A clone. Worse than a shapeshifter or Druid illusions. It was like something out of a sci-fi fantasy film. Mari almost couldn't believe it. If she hadn't spent the last four years in space riding in magical mecha lions, fighting space witches and nearly immortal emperors, and befriending aliens of countless species with unique superpowers, she wouldn't have thought it possible. It made her feel a bit better knowing that she hadn't been the only one fooled by the clone of someone she was close to. Keith and the others had been tricked too, after all.
"If you knew he wasn't…you, then why did you let him pilot the Black Lion?" she asked next.
"I wanted to protect the rest of the team. It was an emergency decision. In some ways, I regret it now," Shiro slowly admitted. "He only ended up pushing you and Keith away, and he caused strife within the rest of the team. I remember everything he said, every hurtful thing he did. Haggar used him to try to kill everyone. If Keith hadn't been there to stop him, I would probably still be stuck in the Black Lion."
He glanced at what remained of his prosthetic arm. A blade had sliced right through the bicep, leaving nothing behind but a metal shoulder. He wiggled it uselessly, a tiny and rueful smile pulling up the corners of his lips.
"Allura transferred my consciousness into the clone's body. And this is the result of the stress that comes with being shoved into a new one," he continued, tugging on a lock of his white hair. "I almost died again just trying to adjust to it."
Mari was quiet for a long moment as she internally recapped. His consciousness – his mind and soul – belonged to her real brother. To the original that she had grown up with. But the rest of him – his body – had been rapidly grown by Haggar in some test tube in some evil lab. The original baby that their parents had created together no longer existed, having been obliterated during Voltron's battle with Zarkon.
"That. Is a lot to take in," she confessed, hugging herself tighter as a shiver ran down her spine.
Shiro nodded in agreement. "I've caused you a lot of pain since I left," he said, his face falling once more. "I've made so many irreversible mistakes that I wish I could take back. I never, ever wanted to hurt you. And I know nothing I say or do will ever be enough to make up for it."
He paused, his eyes swimming with pain and sincerity. Then to Mari's surprise, he carefully lowered himself to the ground and knelt before her. "I don't expect forgiveness," he said, sure and wholeheartedly unwavering. "But I still want to say I'm sorry, Mariko. For everything."
Then he did something she had only seen happen in their grandfather's ancient movies. Pressing his head to the ground, he bowed to her.
Mari blinked at him, shocked into silence. Behind her, she could feel several curious pairs of eyes on them, watching and waiting for her reaction. It must've looked like an old TV drama was unfolding before them. Seeing Shiro with his head in the dirt, trying to maintain his balance with only one arm, she almost couldn't take him seriously. She knew he was trying to make a genuine apology, but…goodness, he was still such a goof deep down, wasn't he? He really was still the boy she had grown up with.
"I won't forgive you. I don't think I can until Voltron redeems itself. But I will accept your apology…since most of what you've gone through was out of your control," she finally decided. She waited a tick, her cheeks heating up in embarrassment as the stares from the others seemed to intensify on her back. "Now for the love of god, stop prostrating yourself!" she hissed. "It looks like I'm bullying you."
Shiro looked up at her, and his eyes sparkled with happy relief. He obediently rose to his feet, brushing the grit from his hair and knees.
"Thank you," he said, a small and soft smile lighting up his tired features.
"Just so you know, this doesn't make us 'good', by the way," she sternly insisted, refusing to let herself be swayed by one apology. "I'm still really mad at you. And I'm…still unsure about the others."
He didn't look offended or mad in the slightest. Instead, Shiro nodded. "That's okay," he assured her, validating her remaining feelings of uncertainty. His newfound contentment dwindled as he carefully continued, "...I suppose you're still adamant on not returning home with us then."
Mari hesitated, unsure of what to say. "You've yet to convince me on why I should," she said, almost reluctantly. "Do you even actually need me to go home with you?"
"Of course we do," he replied without even a shadow of a doubt.
"Other than to make yourselves feel better?"
His brow furrowed. "It's never been like that," he said quietly. "You inspire us more than you realize. You help me to keep going. You're my sister, I'll always need you. I'll always love you. And now I – we need to be there for you."
Her heart clenched as a lump formed in her throat. It had felt like forever since he'd said something like that to her. Some of the tension left her shoulders, but she still stood her ground, vigilant and ever cautious. When she refused to say anything, it prompted him to continue.
"You know better than any of us just how much the universe has changed. You can tell us what we're up against. You can help us avoid enemy ships and get home as safely as possible," he casually suggested. "The quicker Voltron arrives on Earth in one piece, the sooner we can come back out here and help the rest of the coalition."
She raised a skeptical brow. "So you want me to go with you…to safeguard Voltron?"
"And to help us establish Earth as a coalition planet," he added, the encouragement in his voice rising as he warmed up to the idea. "You've run your own planet before. You understand how the rebels operate. You're closer to the individuals that make up the strength of the coalition force than even any of the paladins."
He was proposing a new mission for her to undertake. A mission to help Earth connect with their coalition allies and prepare to face the Galra forces that threatened the safety of the entire universe. A mission to better continue protecting her family and friends, the ones on Earth and the ones that remained in hiding across the universe.
She thought back to what Acxa had said to her last night. As they were now, they really weren't able to help anyone. But maybe if she did this…none of their allies would have to live in fear anymore. Matt could be reunited with Pidge and their parents. Mitsubishi and Treble could finally see Ellosh and Korlis and Kia, and they could return to Vurelle. Scarlett could find Immea. And Acxa could find peace and safety on Earth. Mari could make sure they all had a place to call home to return to.
She drummed her fingers against her arm, her resolve to stay wavering dangerously the more she considered it. She glanced behind her where Acxa and Scarlett were watching her carefully, along with the other paladins. "I'll…have to think about it more," she murmured after a long moment. "I'll make a decision by tonight."
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