Author's note: CW for a sick pet in this chapter.
Also I decided to get a bonus chapter out today because today is my mother's birthday. I know she would have loved a bonus chapter as a gift, so… happy birthday, Mum. I love you, and miss you.
-x-
Of course Peter told them, and it was a big blow up that evening. James and Sirius had spent the entire afternoon with Hagrid and had supper with him, so they didn't show up again until a little after dark. The first couple of hours went by normally—playing card games in the common room—until Remus had to use the loo. He went upstairs to use the lavatory and when he returned, James and Sirius were both watching him with narrowed eyes and pursed lips while Peter was studiously avoiding his eyes.
Then, as if on a silent cue, James and Sirius jumped up and frogmarched Remus out of the common room with Peter trailing behind. Remus spluttered out protests, trying to wriggle free; they didn't release him until they were in a secret passage down the corridor. It was a hidden spiral staircase that went directly from the seventh floor to the fourth floor.
"Ow!" Remus complained when they finally let go. He stepped away, rubbing his arms. "You were holding on tightly. That hurt."
"Hurt as much as when Snape broke your hand?" Sirius demanded.
Remus looked at Peter who cleared his throat, staring at the wall. "What are you talking about?" Remus asked through gritted teeth, knowing he wasn't fooling anyone.
"Pete told us," James said, flexing his fingers as if wanting to attack Snape right there and then. "And what were you doing going off with him alone again anyway?"
"He… wanted to talk about Lily," Remus mumbled. "He put his wand away to show he wasn't going to hex me."
Sirius folded his arms. "Did he break your hand with a hex?"
Remus tugged hard at the hem of his jumper. "Erm. N… no…"
"So he did break your hand!" James cried out.
"Yes, all right? It was ages ago—"
"Why?" Sirius demanded, getting right in Remus's face. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"Because I didn't want to start anything!" he hissed out, stumbling back. "I knew if I told you this sort of thing would happen. It's… in the past—"
"What happened?" Sirius asked.
Remus pressed his lips tightly together, remembering that awful moment in the storage room down in the dungeons where Snape attacked him because of the rumors that Lily and Remus had kissed. Except if he told them that, they most likely would start teasing Snape about fancying Lily. Of course, they all knew Snape obviously fancied Lily, but this would be more evidence. "I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want Lily to find out…"
"She should know," Peter said. "Her friend's a twat, she should know he broke your hand!"
"That isn't an answer to my question either," Sirius pointed out.
He pinched the bridge of his nose, slumping back against the wall. "He was upset with me. He pushed me down and stepped on my hand. I don't know if he meant to seriously injure my hand or if it was an accident, but it happened." It had been on purpose, but he wasn't going to tell them that. "Then I healed. That's all there is. I don't want a big deal made of this, I don't want revenge against him. I just want to move on."
"That isn't the point," James said. "Us getting revenge isn't the point. The point is you never told us."
"He broke your hand, and you never told us until now," added Peter.
"You should tell us when you're being bullied," Sirius said, staring intensely at Remus.
He wrapped his arms around himself, glaring up. "Why? There's nothing that can be done about it."
"You—the—we—" James spluttered.
"There's nothing that can be done," Remus repeated. "Snape hates me, he hates all of us. Doing something about it won't stop it. It'll only make it worse."
"Not doing anything shows him you're…" Sirius trailed off.
Remus raised his eyebrows. "What? Weak? I don't care what he thinks about me."
"You should still tell us when you're bullied," James said softly.
Remus took in a deep breath, trying to keep calm. "All right," he finally said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you when it happened, and if it happens again I'll let you know."
He really had no intention of doing so, unless he absolutely had to. A circle of revenge was utterly pointless.
-X-
Knock-knock-knock.
Remus stirred in bed. "Inna minna Jmms."
Knock-knock-knock.
He rolled onto his back and sat up, blinking sleepily at the clock. It was close to nine-thirty. The other Marauders were at James's practice, and Remus wondered how James managed to get up so early to do physical work after not getting to sleep until four in the morning.
"Lupin? You in there?" called an unfamiliar voice.
"Yeah—yes, hold on, p-please." He scrambled out of bed, stumbling over to the door to wrench it open. The seventh year male Prefect was standing there and Remus's heart spiked out of fear. Had his friends done something? Had he done something? Or rather, had he been caught doing something? "Er—"
"Professor Charlemagne wants to see you in his office," the Prefect said, giving Remus a look.
"Charle...magne?"
"Yes. Professor Charlemagne." Then under his breath he muttered, "Bloody hell." He cleared his throat and spoke up again. "You should probably at least get yourself decent."
Remus reached up to his very messy hair that the Prefect was eyeing. "Er, yeah, yes. Th-thank you."
He shut the door and rushed around to get ready. He started to get his uniform on before realizing it was Sunday, not a school day, and instead threw on casual clothes. He ran a brush desperately through his hair until it felt fairly flat. After yanking on (mismatched) socks and broken-down trainers he dashed down the stairs, nearly running into Magpie at the foot of them.
"Oh!" she gasped, side-stepping a split-second before he smacked into her. "Are you all right?"
"Ahh…"
No, no, no! He shrank back a little from her gaze, all of Lily's words pouring into him. So far he had done his best to avoid Magpie because he did not want to deal with that at the moment, but now he couldn't. He searched her wide brown eyes, trying to see something in them that would indicate a crush… however he didn't see anything; or at least, couldn't tell.
"Percy was looking for you, I was worried something happened," she said.
"Percy?"
"Perseus," she said. "My brother?"
He nearly smacked his forehead, remembering only now that the Prefect's surname was Magpie. "Er, a t-teacher needs me…" He straightened up, glancing towards the door. "I should—should go."
"Right." She stepped back again, smoothing down her skirt. "Erm, I was wondering if—if—" She stopped, ducking her head, a faint blush spreading up her neck.
"I'll s-s-see you l-l-l-l-later!" He took off, glad he had an excuse to do so. All right, maybe that wasn't the nicest of things to do but he could not deal with this at the moment!
Remus ran whenever nobody was around, falling several times, until finally he arrived at Charlemagne's door. He wiped his hands off on his trousers before knocking rather nervously. When he heard Charlemagne say to come in, he cracked open the door.
"Professor? You… n-needed to see me?"
"Ah, Remus." Professor Charlemagne smiled at him, motioning for him to come in. "Yes, I have something I wish to discuss with you. Have a seat."
Remus crept over to a chair, sliding into the seat, wondering what was going on. "Am I in t-trouble?"
"Hmm? Oh! No, no," he laughed, sitting back down behind his desk. "This is another matter entirely. Actually… it is about… what we spoke of when we first met."
Remus scoured his brain for a clue. "Tutoring Jean-Marie?"
Charlemagne shook his head. "No, no, the… issue with… the lesson about…" He trailed off, radiating an aura of discomfort. He tried twice to say it and when he couldn't, Remus supplied him with the word.
"Werewolves."
"Y… yes." Charlemagne opened a drawer and began rummaging through it. "Your lesson on… werewolves… is coming up either next month or in early December. Ah." He pulled a rolled-up piece of parchment out of the drawer and slid it over to him. "That is an early draft of my lesson plan and what I wish to say. Or, what I hope to say. If you do not mind looking it over and letting me know if there is anything I should or should not say… I will adjust the outline accordingly."
Remus took the parchment with a trembling hand, feeling immense pressure.
"If you wish me to push the stereotypes, I will. If you wish me to cut down the stereotypes, I will. I will leave that up to your discretion."
He unrolled the paper and began reading through, hoping he wasn't shaking too hard. His palms were sweaty and he hoped he wouldn't leave any smudges. The words written down were fairly straight to the point, pulling from the popular textbooks about werewolves. There were a few underlined sections with question marks around them. The sections were all more of the stereotypes Charlemagne mentioned than the truth.
Werewolves were big brutes. Werewolves acted inhuman even when they were human. You could always see the monster in their eyes. They could only eat raw meat. Werewolves had no compassion or empathy. There was even one about how many people believed werewolves couldn't cry, and Remus let out a slightly crazed laugh at that one.
If people believe werewolves can't cry then I'm safe forever, he thought a little bitterly.
"I—I think…" He hesitated, rolling the parchment back up, trying to figure out the best way to phrase what he wanted to say. What he really wanted to say was to get rid of all the stereotypes, to talk about how werewolves were like any other human, how they were simply cursed humans who didn't deserve all the hatred…
Except…
He couldn't.
His stomach roiled as he set the scroll back on the desk, tears threatening to drip down his cheeks.
He wanted his classmates to see the truth. He wanted them to not be as afraid of werewolves. If Charlemagne taught the truth, maybe it would open some minds. Minds that would one day be in the Ministry, or in place to make changes. He could, maybe, do something good with this.
But if he did there was every chance someone might believe the truths and see them in Remus.
"Keep it," he said rather hoarsely.
He had to let his classmates keep thinking how inhuman and monstrous they were, to keep himself safe.
"Are you certain?"
He looked down at his small hands in his lap, at his ragged nails, at a slight smear of blood on the inside of his wrist from where he had scraped it falling on his way. He lifted his sleeve a bit to rub the blood away. "Yes. These are wh-what the books say, what everyone says. It's what they would expect from a—a-a lesson on… werewolves."
"You are not a monster," Charlemagne said slowly, sounding like he still didn't quite believe it himself.
Remus swiped the tears from his eyes before raising his chin. "It's safer if people think werewolves are giant hulking brutes. That they're easily re-recogn—rec—r-reco—that—that they're easily recognized if they see one."
Charlemagne slowly nodded. "I understand. Do you wish me to say these are truths or what people think?"
He shrugged, looking back down at his hands. "You can say that not everyone agrees on wh-what a werewolf is like, that there are m-many rumors about them. About… us…"
"Very well. Thank you, Remus. I am sorry to have put you through this, but I did want to make sure what I did was right for you."
He swallowed, feeling more tears welling up. "Would this have b-been your lesson plan if I… wasn't here?"
Charlemagne frowned, folding his hands under his chin. "Yes," he admitted. "That is similar to what I have taught before."
"Do you hate werewolves?" he blurted out. Charlemagne reeled back at that question, and Remus regretted it immediately. "When we met you said you… believed…"
"I did believe it, before I met you," Charlemagne admitted. "I did hate werewolves and I shall not lie, I am still nervous and scared at the idea of them. However, I know you a little bit, Remus, and you are a good, kind boy. Not… not any of this." He waved his hand at the parchment. "I am still… ahh… reconciling with what I thought I knew and what I know now, and it isn't easy. But I do hope I am growing."
"Sorry. I shouldn't—"
"No, you should ask these things," Charlemagne interrupted him. "We who know the truth about you need to do the best we can for you. To protect you. And that includes growing in our knowledge and thoughts."
Remus wriggled a little uncomfortably, not knowing what to say in response.
"Now. It is Sunday and you have a day of freedom ahead of you, you should not be stuck in my office." Charlemagne flicked his wand, opening his office door. "Thank you for your assistance, and have a good day."
"Th-thank you," he whispered, sliding out of the chair and heading for the door. "Oh. Er. S-sir?" He turned again to face his teacher. "I'm glad you're f-feeling better."
"Better?" Charlemagne asked.
"Ah. Vous n'êtes plus malade." You're not sick anymore.
Charlemagne got a smile. "I understood your words, only I did not understand their intent. Now I do. No, I was not ill or harmed in any way; that isn't why I missed my lessons. My sister died. I had to return to France for her funeral."
Remus shriveled up inside. Merlin, I overstepped badly, this is none of my business. "I'm s-s-s-sorry," he squeaked out.
"Thank you, Remus."
He felt dizzy and breathless as he stepped into the hall; sweat soaked through some of his clothes and he staggered down to the nearest bathroom to splash cold water on his face. That helped get rid of the tears too.
After a moment or two of staring into the sink he straightened up, rolling his shoulders to stretch the muscles. His reflection didn't look too bad today. The dark circles weren't super dark and his skin seemed somewhat… well, not healthy but less pallid? He rubbed at his cheeks to get rid of any remnant of water before leaving.
Practice is about over, he thought, hesitating when he went to the Grand Staircase. He glanced up, thinking about his comfy bed, then headed down to the Great Hall to wait for his friends. It wasn't long before they showed up, James sweaty from practice, Sirius and Peter pink-cheeked from sitting out in the chilly breeze. They all greeted Remus happily, climbing into seats around him. Remus relaxed; it felt good to be absorbed into a group, to be part of something—to be part of them.
Part of a pack, he thought, watching them pile food on their plates and go at it like wild beasts. He rubbed his wrist absentmindedly, thinking back to the times he felt that way before. Pack. It felt so right for them, such a perfect fit. But he didn't want to ever tell them since it was so… wolfish. Hopefully the word never slipped out accidentally.
"—should do something about it," Sirius said after swallowing a rather large mouthful of potatoes. Remus jumped a little, returning to the moment, wondering what he missed.
"And I said before, I don't care," James replied, waving his fork around. "If people want to believe that about me, that's their choice. If they think that badly of me then nothing I say will change their mind."
"It's wrong though," Peter put in, "for them to say those things."
"Say what things?" Remus asked.
James rolled his eyes. "Someone is spreading rumors about me—"
Sirius slammed his hands down on the table, half standing up. "Someone? You mean Kirke."
"I mean someone!" James protested, shoving his glasses back up. "We don't know it's Kirke. It could be Snivellus. That's something low and dirty he'd do too."
Remus frowned, furrowing his brow. "What rumors?"
James and Sirius both fell silent, James looking a little embarrassed while Sirius looked furious. It was Peter who spoke. "Saying that James is as good as he is on a broom thanks to potions."
Remus gasped out loud, dropping his spoon. "What? No! Who—what—who—when did this start?"
"Recently." James shrugged. "I knew people were saying some stuff about me but I didn't know what. Madame Hooch came to our practice today to talk to Bell. Someone left her a note about my… use of athletic enhancement potions."
It was sick. It was disgusting! How could anyone do something so… horrible?! The Marauders played pranks and sometimes they were a bit on the cruel side, Remus had to admit, but to do something that could ruin someone's reputation or placement on the team?!
"What happened?!"
"I need to be tested before each game," he said rather bitterly. "Which is fine with me, since I'm not using anything."
"It's still wrong," Sirius growled. "You need to put Kirke in his place."
"We don't know for sure it's Kirke!" James rubbed his forehead. "If it's not Kirke and we do something to him, that's only going to cause problems for the team—"
"And these rumors aren't going to cause problems for you?" Sirius pushed.
"I said before," James said through gritted teeth. "I don't give a flying jarvey what people are saying or what they think. The only people who matter are those in charge, like Hooch. If people want to think I'm taking potions to improve my game—if they think that little of me, then I doubt me saying anything against it will change their mind."
"People who tend to jump at the slightest bit of negative gossip or rumor about someone rarely cares about the truth," Remus said slowly. "They're the sort of people who only care about the drama."
James perked up. "Exactly! See, Remy gets it. Thank you."
Sirius sat back, folding his arms across his chest. "Hmph. I disagree that we should sit back and do nothing."
"I… I'm on Sirius's side with this one," Peter squeaked out. "Maybe not revenge but—but something should be done about it."
"Something will be done," James promised. "Hooch'll test me before the next game, I'll be clear, and that'll be that."
Remus scanned the Gryffindor table for Kirke but didn't see him; that wasn't unusual, though, as usual, the Gryffindor team took showers before coming to the table. James didn't really care enough about his personal hygiene.
Then Remus turned towards the Slytherin table to seek out Snape. The Marauders' enemy was not present either… however he did see something else. Lucius Malfoy was standing over Aegis, one hand on the table in a way to pen Aegis in. Malfoy had a cruel smirk on his face while Aegis stared blankly at his food, not moving. Malfoy pulled a piece of parchment out of his pocket, practically slapping Aegis with it. Aegis flinched back, putting a hand up to defend himself. Malfoy hit him squarely in the face with the parchment, letting it fall into Aegis's lap as he walked away. Aegis gingerly picked the parchment up, unrolling it to read. His eyes began going over whatever was written down then, as if suspecting he was being watched, he glanced up.
Remus was caught watching and instead of trying to look away quick enough he instead gave a tentative smile and a wave. Aegis's smile was very forced and his wave was stiff. The Slytherin gave a slight shrug before rolling the parchment up and stuffing it in his pocket.
"I'm going to visit Arthur," Remus said once the Marauders finished eating and James suggested they go to the dorm.
"I'll go with you, I need to send a letter to my parents," Peter said.
"We'll meet you in the dorm in a bit," Remus told the other two and he and Peter headed out together. As they walked, Pete asked about Remus's pet and Remus told him Arthur was doing very poorly. Every time he visited the owlery, Arthur barely acknowledged Remus's presence. The last time he had gone, Arthur slept the entire time, breathing slowly as Remus stroked his feathers.
This time Arthur was awake, though drooped low in his nest. There was owl residue all over the place, indicating that Arthur hadn't moved from his spot for a while. Remus reached in to touch the water in his dish. It was room temperature. He took the dish and emptied it, washing it out before filling it with cold water.
"Here you go." He set it down and dipped his pinky in, holding it out near Arthur's beak. Arthur didn't take it. Remus chewed at his lip and scurried to get an owl treat. "Your favorite," he said, waving it under Arthur's beak. Arthur gave a faint caw and took the small biscuit. He held it in his beak for a moment, as if to pacify Remus, before letting it drop. "Is it okay if I take you out to clean your box?" Arthur blinked. Remus cautiously scooped Arthur into his arms, being as careful as possible not to hurt the elderly bird. He climbed down and gently set Arthur on one of the perches.
Remus sucked in some air before going over to clean out Arthur's little cubbyhole. He took the nest out and got a bucket of warm, soapy water to scrub all the filth off the floor and walls. Once it was clean he replaced the nest, adding some soft scraps of fabrics from a nearby cupboard. He picked Arthur back up, returning him to his box. He stepped back, looking up at his owl as Arthur closed his eyes, falling asleep.
-X-
Sunday stretched on for what felt like an eternity; James and Remus spent a lot of time practicing the sound spell, and getting better at it. Soon they'd be able to pull James's stupid prank which made the boy quite giddy. Remus, however, only felt dread, hoping that he wouldn't be caught up in the punishment.
They also did a dry run of taking a group of blindfolded girls to the secret passage. They did this by blindfolding Peter and Remus, who felt highly uncomfortable at not being able to see. He resisted the urge to put his hands out to prevent himself from running into anything.
"Don't you trust me?" Sirius laughed, hands on Remus's shoulder as he guided him down a hall.
"No."
"You said before that you did."
"That's when I could see, dummy." That was also when Sirius's hands weren't clasping his shoulders, sending waves of warmth through his entire body. Why couldn't James be the one guiding him?
"Hmph. We're at some stairs, take a small step forward and you'll feel the edge of the step."
Remus felt with his toes and began slowly making his way down the stairs, Sirius holding his elbow. "Can't we bring them to the right floor then blindfold them?"
"No! We have to take them all over the place, to confuse them," James protested from somewhere ahead.
"Owww!" Peter yelped.
"Whoops, sorry, the end of the banister is right there."
"Yeah, my ribs just found out, twat."
"If we don't confuse them they might be able to guess where the exit is," James explained as they went down a hallway that Remus thought led away from the fourth floor.
"Does it matter if they know?" Remus caved and lifted his hands, coming to a stop when he felt his fingers brush against stone. "Sirius I was about to run into the wall!"
"Was not," Sirius argued, steering him to the left. "I was watching."
"Shh, people ahead," James hissed out.
Remus cringed a bit as they passed by a group of students, all of whom laughed at the Marauders; he could hear them muttering about how weird the four boys were. One of them even asked what they were doing, and James told him they were playing a game.
Sirius pushed harder, making Remus go a little faster. After another ten minutes they were finally on the fourth floor, near the mirror. Peter and Remus took the blindfolds off since they weren't going up to the mirror. Even though nobody was around, none of them wanted to risk any suspicion.
"Are we gonna lead you two now?" Peter asked, twirling his tie which had been used as a blindfold.
James recoiled. "No way! You'll steer me off a cliff."
Peter looked quite affronted. "What?" he asked, a false astonishment. "Me? Never."
Remus smirked up at Sirius. "I think Peter and I should have some practice. After all, there are three girls. One of us will have to."
Reluctantly James took Peter's tie and wrapped it around his eyes. Sirius wasn't as bothered by it and happily blindfolded himself. "My life is in your hands, Rem-Rem."
"Call me Rem-Rem again and your life won't last much longer."
"How are you going to see where you're going?" James asked in Remus's direction. "Can you even see over Sirius's shoulders?"
Unfortunately, it was difficult to see past Sirius so he settled on having Sirius still holding onto his shoulders, and Remus led the way. Sirius kept saying he felt uncomfortable and 'too loose' until Remus reached up and put his hands on Sirius's hands. He hoped his own hands wouldn't become too clammy. This was ridiculous… though at least he was able to keep control of his emotions fairly well. Perhaps Lily knowing did help, or the fact he finally… understood and… well, maybe not accepted it but was trying to accept it… or…
Fine, he thought to himself a little grimly. Maybe knowing that it might not be wrong helps me not to lose myself in a moment like this.
There was a thud in front of him. "Ow!"
"Oops."
"Don't oops me, you did that on purpose, as revenge for the banister!"
"Did not, you just ignored which way I tried to move you!"
"There's stairs where you tried to move me."
"BECAUSE WE NEED TO GO UP THE STAIRS!"
Somehow they all made it back to the common room without much injury and declared the experiment a success.
The rest of the day was spent planning their Halloween prank as well as working on their Halloween costumes. For Remus this meant practicing spells on their hair. He made his own longer but it was fluffy enough that it nearly matched Flitwick's thick hair. He changed the color to Flitwick's mix of brown and white. It didn't look right, but it looked close enough. He worked on Peter's hair, making it longer and dark brown like Professor Sprout. They spent what felt like an hour trying to get it back in the same messy bun that Sprout usually wore.
"You're going to look very odd," Remus said when he turned to James.
"Do it," James commanded.
James's hair became greyish blonde which looked bizarre with his dark skin and youth. Remus's grey hair didn't look too weird because of how haggard he looked anyway, but James with grey hair just looked wrong. When Remus turned to Sirius, Sirius stepped back, shaking his head.
"My hair already looks enough like McGonsie's." He pulled his hair back in a tight bun at the nape of his neck. "See?"
"She's got a few grey hairs," James pointed out with a giggle.
Sirius shot him a glare. "Bugger off, Sluggy."
"I doubt McGonsie ever told Slughorn that," laughed Peter.
"If I were McGonsie, I'd tell him that every time I saw him," Sirius said, returning to the mirror to peer at his hair.
-X-
Over the previous week, ever since he talked to Lily, Remus would occasionally be struck with this fearful, stomach-twisting, rushing sort of feeling. A realization that he was like that. The word he didn't want to say about himself, still didn't dare say. Still shoved back into the dark recesses of his mind.
Sometimes he was all right, like with Sirius's hands on his shoulders and his few stray thoughts… but sometimes it was something that sucked him down into a void of panic.
And on Monday morning as they were headed towards Potions with the girls, Remus got hit with the feeling again, only this time more intense. He stopped in his tracks, staring at the backs of his friends ahead of him, heart pounding hard in his chest while he swayed a little, dizziness overwhelming him.
It had happened due to an innocent comment between Peter and Lily, when Peter said something about an older Gryffindor girl and Lily agreed she was pretty. Remus thought, briefly, that he was happy Lily could openly say these things without it being seen as weird… which spiraled into thoughts of she's like that, and then into I'm like that.
I'm like that.
I'm like THAT
Now he was standing in one spot, breathing rapidly, feeling like the world was rushing up around him—like he was falling. He opened and shut his mouth a few times before gasping for air.
Something shoved into his back and he flew forward, actually falling now, slamming face-first into the floor because he didn't have the presence of mind to put his hands up or twist around. There were shrieks of laughter all around him, then someone else shouting. Remus rolled onto his back, feeling wetness trickling down out of his nose. This time because it had been hurt, not because of the wolf.
He saw the Marauders and Cassie and Alice facing off against Mulciber, Avery, and Bulstrode. Someone tucked their hands under his armpits, hauling him to his feet. A whiff of strawberries confirmed it was Lily.
"Five against three is unfair!" Mulciber snapped.
"Three against one is unfair," Sirius snarled back.
"Are you all right?" Lily asked softly. "Do you need Madame Pomfrey?"
"N-no… I—I mean yes. I mean—I mean yes I'm all right, no I d-don't need Madame Pomfrey." He reached up, pressing the sleeve of his robe against his nose. "I've st-stopped, I think."
Lily kept an arm around Remus's middle. "Come on everyone, no fighting in the halls even if those twats did start it." She spoke in a commanding way that reminded Remus of James's 'leader' voice. Slowly wands were put away, though everyone kept eyes on everyone else as they continued on towards the Potions classroom.
"What happened?" James asked after the Slytherins passed them.
"I—I—" Remus swallowed, tasting blood. I panicked because I'm wrong—no, no, that wasn't right either because Lily wasn't wrong. She was wonderful and perfect; liking girls didn't make her a bad person, or a monster, or disgusting. So liking boys… wasn't…?
I was fine thinking about this before, when we did the blindfold thing, and now I can't!
"You what?" Sirius asked, pulling Remus's hand away from his nose. "You're bleeding."
"It's fine. It's h—it's feeling better, it stopped." Remus jerked his hand free and put his hand back to his nose, mostly because he wanted to cover his face. "I, er, got—um, got—I lost my—I wasn't—"
"Head in the clouds again?" Alice asked, in a nice way.
Remus nodded. "Yes. One of them pushed me. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause any issue."
"For Merlin's sake, you didn't cause any issue!" Sirius snapped. "They did. You're okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine. So—er, thank you."
Since they were finishing up the potions they had worked on the previous week, Remus sat alone with Lily, as they were partners. Lily asked if that's what actually happened since none of them saw. He assured her it was, not able to look at her as he did. He needed to talk to her later, though. Ask her if she ever felt paralyzed by fear over—over those feelings, over being like that.
Plus… it would be nice… to spend some time alone with someone who knew. Not that he wanted to go around talking about this secret, or about boys, or anything like that. It wasn't like it was something that would be babbled out in conversation. But it'd still be nice not to have that pressure. Like being around the Marauders alone eased the pressure of his other secret.
Slughorn didn't take register, instead having everyone fetch their cauldrons from the other room. Remus peered into theirs, downcast at how little there was.
"You really think we can do this?"
Lily was pulling her hair back in a tight ponytail. "I know we can. I spent all weekend doing maths, figuring out measuring, talking to Sev."
Remus swallowed. "I—I didn't do anything like that. I'm sorry—"
Lily smiled. "It's fine. Just follow my directions…"
They opened the book to the correct page and began working, cutting the volume of the ingredients back. Remus noticed they didn't cut back the same for everything. Sometimes they only used a quarter of the amount they were supposed to, sometimes more, sometimes less. Remus didn't ask how Lily knew all this, only followed her orders as carefully as he could.
By the time they were done the potion actually looked a little like what it was supposed to. Slughorn came around, checking potions, giving out grades. When he arrived at theirs he ladled up a huge spoonful, sniffing. He poked at it with a stick then examined the end of the stick. Finally he dumped the potion back in.
"Normally this would be a poor. However, all things considered, and what you had to work with… I am very impressed you managed to pull it together as much as you have so I will give an A."
Remus was relieved he hadn't pulled Lily down to a failing grade, and was thankful she was able to pull him up to a passing one. As he and Lily left, he heard some Slytherins grumbling about Lily being a teacher's pet, and one of the girls said quietly that the only reason they got an A was because Lily was in the Slug Club. He doubted that was true. He wasn't sure how fair Slughorn was, especially regarding his Slug Club members, but if their potion and efforts truly deserved a failing grade, Slughorn would have given it to them.
"An A," Lily said when they left.
Remus glanced up to see Snape waiting for her. There was a hint of a smile on his sallow face before it faded. "It probably deserved better. You probably would have gotten better if…" He paused, eyes flicking very briefly towards Remus. "Well. An A is still impressive, with what you had to work with. I knew you could do it."
He stepped forward then hesitated, glaring at Remus. He harrumphed and turned on his heels, storming off, his robes fluttering behind him like a cape.