I want to start out with a heartfelt apology. I never break a pinky promise and I feel like crap about not being able to fulfill the one I made. I know I don't need to explain myself, but I want you to know that I haven't just forgotten about you guys. Things on my end of life have taken to break neck speeds and a circus juggling act at the same time. We've had hospital visits for my son and husband, both are now perfectly okay and healthy. What was supposed to be a part time job has excelled into me taking, on average, 4 extra shifts a week. All at various hours and some shifts up to 9 hours a day. My 1-year old daughter is now crawling and popping teeth, which makes her super grouchy at times. My 2.5-year-old son has a speech delay, which causes behavioral issues due to lack of being able to communicate, and has dramatically gotten worse with the abrupt change of me working, I've been a stay at home mom for his entire life. Mix in school meetings for my brother, who I help take care of. Plus, cooking, cleaning, and a wide array of extremely stressful financial maneuvering…I…I'm exhausted.
I feel like the world opened and is trying to swallow me whole and the only thing keeping me from being eaten are my tired shaking arms holding the gap open. With that being said…When I do have time for writing, it's been almost impossible to concentrate. All I can seem to focus on are the essentials of staying alive. Are the kids happy, healthy, and provided for? What bills are due this week? Is it the back pressure in the exhaust system that is making my car have difficulty accelerating? How much money do we have left over for groceries? Is the house clean? Should I go see a doctor about how tired and off I've been feeling (Health wise, not mentally)? Did I remember to order the babies winter jackets? Are we going to go over budget before the wage garnishment ends (Husband's old credit card debt)? Does my husband's inhaler need to be refilled?
Even on my days off I find myself choosing to watch cartoons with my son instead of even attempting to pull together an semblance of thought. It doesn't help that the abusive past, the one I locked deep inside a dark box inside of me, has reared its ugly head and knocked on my door yesterday, as literally sat down to finally write. It's left me shaken, angry, and completely scattered. It's embarrassing to have such a lack of control over my reaction considering I clawed my way through years of physical, emotional, verbal, and mental abuse without a blinking, yet my ex-stepfather simply making a taunting message over social media leaves me shaking and unable to even let my husband come within 6 feet of me. Funny how that works. So here I am, writing you all a letter with the biggest knot of guilt in my chest, because I can't seem to pull together ONE solid chapter.
I'm sorry. I really am. I'm sorry I've failed to update in the last month. I'm sorry I unloaded my sob story onto your shoulders. I…I just really needed someone to hear me without telling me, "If you just ignore it, it wouldn't get to you so much." I've been ignoring it for five years and that turned out to be the lousiest bit of advice I've ever gotten…other than eating a banana to cure my hangover. I promise though that I have a day off tomorrow and I'm going to sit down and try to write, because one of the best things that cheer me up are hearing from you guys through the many reviews I get on a daily basis. It truly makes me smile and makes me want to write something fantastic for you to read. Tomorrow I have a friend coming over for our children to have a playdate. I'm going to get more than 2 hours of sleep tonight. I'll have my comfy clothes and fuzzy socks on. I'll drink a buttload of hot chocolate and I WILL WRITE WHAT YOU DESERVE! I truly mean it. Thank you for the well wishes I've been getting and the amazing feedback. Any feedback is good feedback 😊. I love and miss you all.
Sincerely,
littlerosebudbroke