Chpt. 15 CPOV
Around two in the morning I finally give up sleeping; I haven't fallen asleep yet tonight and obviously it's not going to be happening any time soon. Any time I get close to sleeping, the ice falls off my ankle or I move in such a way that makes my ankle hurt like a fucking bitch. I'm also not really tired which isn't helping either. I have the nap earlier to thank for that problem; I can't remember the last time I napped in the middle of the day. But when Teddy fell asleep on my chest, I didn't want to move because I wasn't sure what would wake him up. He was obviously tired; he kept yawning for several minutes before he finally fell asleep. Once I was certain he was asleep I only intended to lean back on the pillows and rest while he did. The next thing I knew I woke up to my cell phone binging with a reminder about the call on the bastards who are after Ana and Teddy. Thankfully I was awake before Ana and Taylor walked into my bedroom.
I struggle, but manage to get myself out of bed using the crutches without putting weight on my ankle. I use the bathroom and put on a pair of pajama pants, which takes much longer than it should have, and make my way out to the kitchen. Immediately I look through the dining room at the balcony doors, relieved to see that they are still closed. As much as I look forward to meeting Ana out there at night, I'd rather she spend the time sleeping. Just as I grab a bottle of water from the fridge the connecting door to Taylor and Gail's apartment opens quickly and Ana comes rushing out looking completely disoriented.
"Ana?" I call out her name. She doesn't respond, or maybe she doesn't hear me, so I hobble over to the breakfast bar just as she's about to walk past me. I call out her name again, but still no response. I reach out, careful not to grab her, but unfortunately she jumps back as if I had; her eyes immediately close and she backs up until she's flat against the wall.
"Ana, it's Christian," I gently try to bring her back to reality. I stand in front of her, close but still not touching her even though that's all I want to do. I want to comfort her somehow and I have no fucking idea how. During the day she's been able to drop her guard; she no longer jumps at every little sound in the apartment and even seems more comfortable here. But at night, after her nightmare, the guard is back up and I can tell she doesn't feel safe. This needs to end, Ana can't keep living like this; she shouldn't have to fucking live like this. She should be out enjoying her life; sleeping every night without disruption, dating-
Fuck…the thought of her with another man is enough to nearly turn my stomach. I've never felt so…I've never wanted someone as much as I want Ana. It goes beyond wanting her sexually, which of course I do, but I want her in my life. I've never wanted those things with someone before. Sex has always been enough; fucking women has always been enough. But Ana…there's no way sex would be enough with her, it could never be enough.
"Ana, you're safe here," I force myself back to the present with Ana standing nearly flat against the wall of my kitchen. "They're not going to hurt you again; they'll never hurt you."
"Christian?" its several minutes later before Ana whispers my name and I immediately feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
"You had a nightmare-"
"You're not supposed to be out here! You should be in your bed!" she cuts me off, any sign of the nightmare gone.
"I'm fine," I assure her. "I was coming out here for a bottle of water when you…came out of the apartment."
"You're supposed to stay in your bed," she reminds me firmly.
"I couldn't sleep and thought I'd grab a bottle of water; besides my mom said starting today I can leave my bed as long as it's not for very long. Technically it's today."
"I don't think she meant the middle of the night," Ana giggles which I smile at if for no other reason than because it means what remnants of the nightmare are slowly leaving her.
"Probably not, but hey, that's what she gets for not being specific. Did you want to go out on the balcony?" We never talk about going out there; we both just end up there every night after the nightmares.
"Yes…oh but you shouldn't-"
"It's fine, I'll be sitting."
"You're supposed to prop your leg up; I don't think you can do that out there. Not comfortable anyway."
"How about we go into the great room? Watch a movie or something?" I find myself suggesting.
"Um….sure," she sounds as unsure as I do but agrees to it anyway. "Did you want something else to drink or just the water?"
"Just water, I took a pain pill so I shouldn't mix it with alcohol."
She nods and simply grabs another water bottle from the fridge before taking mine off the counter; she follows me into the great room before putting the bottles on the end table. Before I can even sit down she's gathering a few throw pillows from the other couch, she puts them on the couch next to me but I don't want to sit like that because then it means that Ana can't sit on the couch with me.
"The ottoman," I gesture to the small padded bench in front of the chair, "is on wheels; think you could move it over here? I could prop my leg up on that?"
"Sure," she quickly does as I suggested and places two pillows on top of it.
I pat the space next to me on the couch, asking her to sit with me which she does but leaving some space between us. I want to wrap my arm around her waist and pull her against me but I don't know if she would want that. I doubt with everything going on she's even thought about anything-
"Did you want to watch something?" she cuts off my thoughts.
"I don't watch TV much, so put on whatever you want."
"I can't remember the last time I watched television," she shakes her head but takes the remote I hand her.
"This will all be over soon Ana, then your life can get back to…normal."
"It's hard to think it every will," she whispers.
"It will Ana, I know it doesn't seem that way now but I promise you that this will all be over soon and you won't have to worry about those bastards again," I try to assure her.
"I hope you're right," she looks down.
"Look at me," with my fingers under her chin I urge her to look up. When our eyes meet, I see fear in them which I hate and vow once again to do anything to see that these bastards pay for what they did to her. "You're safe here; I won't let anyone hurt you or Teddy again."
She nods sadly, the doubt she feels obvious in her eyes.
"I'll keep you both safe; no matter what Ana, you'll always be safe," she glances at me with surprise in her eyes. Hell, the fucking words surprised me but yet I meant every word of them. I don't care what the cost is; I'll always protect her and Teddy. I slowly lean into her, giving her every opportunity to move away; my hand moves from her chin to cradle her head as I lower myself until our lips meet. Whereas with our first kiss Ana was tentative and uncertain, this time she's the one who deepens the kiss. I can't help but groan when I feel her against my lips; I immediately grant her the access she's seeking and open myself to her.
It takes everything in me not to haul her onto my lap so I can feel her against me, but I don't want to scare her. Instead, I settle for wrapping an arm around her and closing the distance between us. Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me closer to her which I fucking love. I want to touch her; I want to slip my hand under the thin pajama top she's wearing and feel her breasts in my hands. I want to tease her nipples until they're hard and she's begging me to put my mouth on them. I want to slip my hand under the waistband of the tight yoga pants she sleeps in. I want to feel if she wants me as much as I want her. I want to slip my fingers inside of her, to feel her grip me and suck me into her beautiful body. I want….Ana.
I can't tell you how long we kiss for, but what I can tell you is that I'm not the one who pulls away breathless first. If it were up to me it would have never stopped. If it were up to me, I would have picked Ana up and carried her to my room, laid her on my bed-
My room….to my bed
Where no other woman has ever been.
The realization of that has me opening me eyes, just in time to see Ana's face flush in embarrassment. I kiss her again, trying to reassure her that she has nothing to be embarrassed about. Several minutes pass with neither of us saying anything, yet it's not uncomfortable. It's never uncomfortable with Ana though; in fact I've never felt more comfortable with anyone.
"Did you still want to watch a movie?" Ana asks quietly.
"Sure, whatever you want to watch."
Ana ends up putting on movie I haven't seen in years, though I remember very vividly Mia forcing me to watch this very movie when we went to Aspen one year. It's about a female undercover FBI agent who has to join a beauty pageant to catch some bad guy or something. Not exactly my type of movie, but when Ana starts giggling at the antics in the movie I suddenly don't mind watching it again. I spend most of the movie watching Ana.
"I wish I could have done that," Ana says quietly as we watch the actress in movie fight back against the guy attacking her.
"You did Ana…you stabbed the guy."
"But not until after they grabbed me. I wish I could have done something like that when he first came up to me outside of the apartment. Maybe he wouldn't have been able to force me into that van and take me to that warehouse," she shivers, we're still sitting so close to each other than I feel the chill go through her. "He had his hand on my purse before I could reach for my gun and the knife was strapped to my leg so I couldn't reach that either."
"You should be proud of how you fought back Ana; you stabbed the guy, got away and found a way to get a hold of your dad all without telling them what they wanted. Fuck Ana….what you must have gone through."
"But if I could have done that," she gestures towards the television, "maybe I wouldn't have had to."
"Even if you knew how to do that Ana, you might have froze or they still could have overpowered you."
"But at least I would have fought back; I wish I would have done something," the anger start coming out in her voice. "I didn't do a damn thing! He pressed a gun against me, ordered me to walk to the van that pulled up and I did NOTHING. I didn't say a word; I didn't scream-"
"Ana, he had a gun pressed against you! Chances are had you screamed he would have shot you."
"Maybe," she shrugs. "But at least I would have tried."
"Ana."
What the fuck do you say to that?
"When Kate….left that bastard, my dad made sure we both knew how to shoot. I can hit a target a hundred feet away, but it didn't do me any good that day. I couldn't fight back; I couldn't stop him."
"Come here," I wrap my arm around her shoulders and pull her closer to me. I don't know what else to do; I don't know what else to say to make things better for her. I understand her frustration, but fuck I wish she would see that she did fight back. She fucking stabbed a guy! A guy who according to Taylor's connection is known as a hired gun and gets paid to kill people.
We finish watching the movie in silence; I don't think either of us really knows what to say.
"If you want to go back to bed Ana I don't mind," I suggest when she yawns for the third time in only a few minutes.
"No," she answers quickly. "I can't go back to sleep; I never can after…"
"Are all your nightmares the same?" I ask cautiously. She's never talked about them though I've never asked her about them either.
"Yes and no. Sometimes it's about when they grab me, sometimes it's about…the warehouse and sometimes Teddy is there."
"Oh Ana."
"They seem so real sometimes. I can still smell the alcohol on their breath, feel them…touch me and smell the cigarettes that they smoked. I wake up and I swear I can still smell them in the bedroom; I can still hear their voices, talking about me, threatening me. It's as if I'm back there all over again."
"I'm so sorry Ana; I wish like hell there was something I could do."
"You're doing more than most people would Christian," she rests her hand on my thigh reassuring me.
"It doesn't feel like enough."
"It's enough."
"The offer still stands…if you wanted to talk to someone I have a therapist recommended and fully vetted for you. They could come here to meet with you-"
"I don't know," she shrugs against me.
"It might help talking to someone about…what happened."
"I'll think about it, thank you. I think….I hope anyway, that maybe when this is all over the nightmares will end. That maybe if I know that they're behind bars that I'll finally feel safe enough to not constantly relive those days."
"The day will come Ana; I promise you they will pay for what they did to you and Kate," I assure her.
Come hell or high water those fuckers will pay for what they did to Ana and her family. I don't even want to think about what she went through for those thirty three hours that those bastards had her. I want to find them, take them somewhere, tie them to a fucking tree and beat the living shit out of them for what they did to her. I've never wanted to physically go after someone the way I do with them.
My attention shifts when Ana's hand moves to my side, wrapping around my stomach. I look down, surprised at her move, to find that she's fallen asleep against my shoulder. I reach behind us and tug the throw blanket off the back of the couch and cover her with it. She immediately snuggles into me further; I wrap an arm tightly around her back securing her to me. As I watch her sleep I think about what she told me and begin to formulate a plan. I may not be able to do much right now to help Barney, Welch and Taylor find those bastards but maybe I can do something to help Ana.