Chpt. 30 TPOV:
"Do you have everything?" Ana asks before we leave the condo to head to California. I'm not sure where the last few days have gone, but today is the day we leave to go to a place I never planned to return to again. I thought the last few days would have dragged on as I dreaded leaving, but the opposite was the case. They flew by, quicker than I thought possible. Ana and Christian have been great, they've taken over pretty much doing everything needed for this trip. I never expected them to volunteer to come with me or that they would want to come, but as I carry my bag to the door I've never felt more at ease than I do with them standing next to me. Over the last few days they've arranged for a hotel for the weekend and a car to rent. I was dreading this trip so much I couldn't even think about what needed to be done beyond my work obligations. That was one thing I took care of myself.
"Other than a few bottles of whiskey," I only half joke knowing that I'm going to need strong amounts of alcohol to get through the next few days. I know that just being around them again is going to remind me of everything that had happened, of the nightmares that used to occur every night of the image of my mother lying on the kitchen floor covered in blood.
"We'll pick that up in California," Ana assures me realizing that part of me was serious about needing it.
"There's a liquor store a couple of blocks from the hotel," Christian walks up to us with his bag tossed over his shoulder.
"You've checked?" I ask.
"Of course," his eyes are full of understand and not the pity I expected to find in them.
"I have everything else then," a garment bag lays on the arm of the couch with the suits Christian and I will wear to the funeral along with a couple of dresses that Ana will wear.
"Let's head out then," Ana takes my hand and leads me out of the condo while Christian grabs the bag and locks up. She keeps her hand in mine as we walk to the car, only letting go to put the bags in the trunk of the sedan that we rented for the trip. Neither of our trucks were a good option for the trip considering the luggage we needed to bring and Ana's car is too small for us to make a long trip in. Without a word Ana and I slide into the back seat while Christian climbs into the driver's seat a few minutes later. Apparently they already determined who would be driving there, which is fine by me because I doubt I could focus enough to follow the directions on the GPS.
The drive is long, I zone out for most of it, just sort of staring out the window watching everything go by. Attempts at small talk end after the first hour of the trip when I think it becomes clear that I'm not up for talking. I don't mean to be rude, but I can't seem to stay engaged in a conversation about anything right now. While neither Ana or Christian say much during the rest of the trip, Ana never stops touching me. Whether she's holding my hand, resting her head on my shoulder or just curling up next to me on the seat, she's touching me. I don't think she realizes how much her touching me keeps me grounded right now. It keeps me from going back there, from getting too focused on what the next few days are going to bring, instead it's like a constant reminder that she's here.
We stop a few times on the long drive, but by the time we finally get to the hotel the trip ends up as just a blur. I hate that this is affecting me so much; I hate that my past still has this hold over me. I hate that this isn't about saying goodbye to the one family member that I had a connection with, but instead is about seeing everyone that I didn't again. I hate that all I think about is what it'll be like to see them again, what they'll say to me and whether or not they're going to bring up what happened.
"I'm going to run out and find us some dinner, there should be something still open around here," Christian says after we've gotten settled in the hotel room.
"Whatever you find will be fine," if it wasn't for him stopping and basically forcing me to eat I don't think I would have eaten during this trip at all. I've had absolutely no appetite and still don't.
"Ana?"
"I'm going to stay here and finish unpacking," I'm pretty sure the unpacking is done, but I don't point that out. I have a feeling she doesn't want me to be here by myself and I can't decide if I want her to go or stay which is a first. When shit like this comes up, I've always preferred to be left alone. To deal with it myself, but right now I kind of want her here. I want her touch to keep me grounded like it did in the car because I don't want to worry about what tomorrow will bring. The next two days are going to be hard enough; tonight I just want to not worry about it all.
"T?" I know what he's asking; I nod in agreement letting him know I'm fine with Ana staying here. He leans in and whispers something to Ana and kisses her gently on the lips.
"Beer or something stronger?" he asks as he walks over to me.
"Beer tonight, the harder shit I think will be needed later," tomorrow is the wake and then the funeral will be the following day. I think that day will be harder because although who the hell knows at this point.
"Let her help," he whispers before kissing me.
He turns to leave before I can respond; the door closes a few minutes later leaving me and Ana in silence. Without saying a word she walks into the bathroom, leaving the door open a crack and turns on the shower water. I sit down on the couch in the sitting area and turn the TV on, hoping to get lost in a sitcom while Christian is gone and Ana is in the shower.
"You coming?" I look up to find Ana standing the doorway of the bathroom completely naked.
Despite everything going on, my dick twitches at the site of her and I can't possibly say no to her. I slowly walk over to her, as soon as I'm within reach she takes my hand in hers and pulls me the rest of the way into the bathroom. Once the door is closed, she slowly undresses me. It's certainly not the first time she's taken off my clothes, but there's something different about it this time. I wouldn't say it's completely non sexual, because…well, hell she is standing naked in front of me. But this just feels different. She doesn't stop touching me, like she knows what her touch does to me. With my clothes in a pile with hers on the floor, she takes my hand and silently leads me to the large walk in shower. I know without a doubt that Christian was the one who booked this hotel room; first off it's not a room but a suite complete with a sitting area and a mini kitchen. There's one large bed but it's the bathroom that tells me who booked the room; it's larger than the one at the condo, even with me and Ana in here there is room to spare. It's not nearly as large as the one going in our new house, but it's nice to have a little extra room.
At some point, Ana must have unpacked our bathroom bag, because when I turn around in the shower I find our shampoo and soap that we packed. Ana takes the soap in her hands, lathering them up before turning to me. Again, without saying a word, she takes care of me. She washes every inch of my body, kissing me in spots when I least expect it. She leaves me feeling…loved and cared for.
"I love you," I whisper when she finally puts the soap back on the shelf.
"I love you too Taylor," she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her beautiful body against mine. My hands naturally go to her waist, tugging her even closer to me and I lean down to bury my face in her hair. I don't know how long we stand like that, the water gently spraying against us and our bodies still covered in soap. Right now though all I can think about is how incredibly lucky I am that Christian and I found Ana that night in Georgia. I can't imagine my life without either of them in it. I can't wait to watch Ana walk down the aisle at our wedding when the three of us make our relationship permanent.
"Let's rinse off," I move us so we're under the water from the shower. Ana goes to step back, but I keep an arm around her waist, not wanting her to move too far away from me. She seems to understand, stepping back just enough to let the water wash away the suds from our bodies before stepping closer to me.
"What do you need?" she whispers.
"You, just you baby," she cups my face and brings it to hers. I groan the moment her lips touch mine, this being exactly what I needed. The moment I seek entry, she opens to me, letting me deepen the kiss until all I can think about is how she feels against me. Her hands are all over me, touching me wherever she can reach as mine do the same to her. My dick hardens between us, a natural reaction to having her this close to me and our touches slowly shift from comforting to full of desire. I groan when she rocks herself against me; I reach between us and tease her hardened nipple until she's whimpering against my lips with need. Reluctantly I pull myself away from her, ignoring the questioning look I get from her and slowly start kissing my way down her body. I pause just long enough to take each of her nipples in my mouth, sucking and nipping at them before continuing down.
"Taylor, you don't…"
I don't let her finish her sentence; she's left speechless when I slide my tongue through her folds. I know what she's thinking and what she was going to say; she was going to point out that the shower was about me and not her. But little does she realize, that taking care of her like this is about me. Focusing on her, tasting her, making love to her…fuck yeah it helps. My mind is focused on one thing, and one thing only, and that's making her feel at least half as good as she makes me feel whenever she's around me.
I'm on my knees, the warm shower water spraying against my back, with one of Ana's legs thrown over my shoulder and her hands clinging to my head as I feast on her and right now I can't think of a place I'd rather be. My name on her lips when she comes reinforces that thought. I remember our first time in that hotel room in Georgia more than two years ago; I remember how amazing she tasted, how responsive she was to us and how much she trusted us even though we had only known each other for a few hours. I felt things that night that I had never felt before and when we found each other two years later in Vegas it was all still there. Since then the feelings have grown, not just for Ana but for Christian. I never expected that night in Georgia to bring us to where we are today, but fuck am I glad Christian and I went to the club that night.
"Taylor…" Ana whimpers my name as another orgasm rushes through her.
I slow my movements on her, gently licking and kissing her sensitive skin as I look up at her just in time to catch her practically collapse against the shower wall. I gently move her leg from my shoulder and urge her down the wall until she's straddling my legs. I turn us around so my back is against the cool shower wall and wrap my arms around her, holding her against me. She's breathing heavy, her heart is beating rapidly against my chest; she clings to me as I caress her back, letting her take the time she needs to come down from the release.
"You're so beautiful," I whisper.
She doesn't respond with words, instead she slides her hand between us until she finds my rock hard dick. I groan the moment she takes me in her hand; she strokes me several times and I have to fight not to come right there in her hand. Thankfully, she lifts herself off my lap just enough to slide me under her; her name is on my lips as she starts to lower herself onto me. My hands tighten around her hips when she takes me in fully, holding her against me because if she doesn't give me a chance to calm down the moment she moves it's all going to be over. She leans down, running her tongue over my lips which immediately has me remembering how it felt to have her and Christian's mouths on me the other night. She would run her tongue up and down me while Christian focused on just the head of my dick, the dueling sensations making it impossible to hold back the orgasm. She continues to tease my lips with her tongue, not necessarily kissing me but fuck the things it makes me feel. When she tightens around me, squeezing me, I lose my fight.
"Ana…" I groan and without either of us moving, I empty myself deep inside of Ana's warm body. She moans, arching into me before she finally stops teasing me and kisses me. My arms wrap around her, anchoring her to me as I try to catch my breath. Her head rests on my shoulder, her breath warm on my neck as we both try to regain control of our breathing. This was exactly what I needed and somehow Ana knew that even if I didn't.
"I love you Taylor," she mummers against my lips kissing me one last time before slowly sliding off my lap. She offers her hand which I take and join her under the water.
"I love you baby, so fucking much," I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her again. "Thank you…"
"I think I should be thanking you," she giggles. I look at her questioningly which makes her blush. "You just made me… come three times; I should be thanking you for that."
"You never have to thank me for pleasing you," I chuckle and kiss her again.
"Foods here," Christian says.
"We'll be out in a minute," I reply.
"Go ahead," Ana says. "I need to wash my hair yet."
"You sure? I can wait for you."
"Go, I'll be out in a few minutes."
I step out of the shower and grab a towel, quickly drying off before wrapping it around my waist. I walk out of the bathroom and into the main sitting area where Christian is unloading dishes of food that smell amazing onto the small coffee table in front of the couches. He immediately turns and walks over to me when he realizes I'm in the room. He leans in and kisses me gently on the lips, something he's been doing more and more lately. When we get ready to leave in the morning or when we come home from work, he'll always kiss Ana and then me. I doubt he intends it, but it makes me feel… wanted. After my mother… after I went to live with everyone else, I was rarely hugged or kissed except by my grandmother when I visited her. There wasn't someone there to hug me goodbye in the morning, or before bed at night. I wasn't really in one place long enough to be that close to them.
Christian groans against my lips just before I feel his tongue against them; the moment my lips part his tongue thrusts into my mouth. He backs me against the wall his hands on either side of my head as he hungrily kissing me. I have no idea how long he kisses me like that, but eventually the kiss slows down until he pulls back and our eyes meet.
"You taste like Ana," he smirks.
I chuckle at his bold explanation for the kiss and head over to bedroom area to find an empty suitcase instead of a packed one filled with my clothes. I panic for a moment, wondering if somehow I forgot to pack last night even though I clearly remember putting everything in the suitcase.
"Most of your clothes are in the dresser, but a few are hung in the closet," Christian gestures to the dresser on the opposite side of the bed.
"Thanks," I head over there and grab a pair of underwear and pajama pants.
By the time I'm dressed Ana is coming out of the bathroom, with a towel wrapped around her. Christian immediately greets her with a kiss before she heads over to get dressed as well. We eat dinner, with beer that Christian picked up and then head to bed. After more than 12 hours in the car and everything that the next few days will bring, I expected to have trouble falling asleep but surprisingly I don't. With Ana's head on the pillow next to mine and her arm wrapped around me and Christian wrapped around her back, I quickly fall asleep.
"We can leave whenever you want; we don't need to stay the entire time," Ana reminds me the next day when we're on our way to the church for the wake.
I nod in agreement but don't say anything else. I'm so fucking thankful that Ana and Christian insisted on coming with me; I don't know how I would have managed without them. I don't think I would have been able to make the drive by myself let alone get through today and tomorrow. This morning, like last yesterday, they both took care of me. It's the only way I can describe what they were doing. Ana took care of ironing my clothes for today while Christian sat at the coffee table with me, refusing to leave until I ate at least half of my breakfast.
"You ready T?" Christian asks which is only when I realize that at some point he pulled into the church parking lot and parked the car.
"Yeah," I sigh and try to prepare myself for what I'm going to walk into.
"We're here Taylor," Ana whispers and kisses me again.
"Let's go," I nod and open the car door before offering a hand to Ana to help her out.
With Ana's hand in mine and Christian following behind her, we slowly make our way up the church steps and are lead into a large room by someone from the church. I walk into the room and immediately stop; I vaguely see the casket out of the corner of my eye in the front of the room. The moment we walked into the room, it fell silent and most of the eyes immediately fell on me. I take a deep breath when Ana squeezes my hand; I wonder if she knew that I had stopped breathing and needed her.
"Jason," a tall woman approaches us who I instantly recognize as my aunt Nancy who called me to tell me about my grandmother. She was always the nicer one of the family members that took me in; not that any of them were horrible, especially not when you compare it to what Ana went through when she was in foster care. They all took care of my basic needs; I had a roof over my head, a place to sleep at night, clean clothes to wear, food to eat and a school to attend during the day. She was the only one though that didn't treat me like a stranger in her home; she tried to make me feel part of her family but when her husband was around it was difficult because he made it clear that he wasn't thrilled that I was there.
"Aunt Nancy," I greet her and an awkwardness falls between us as it's not clear if we should hug or shake hands with each other. Eventually she decides for me, and gives me a light hug which I return.
"Thank you for coming Jason, I know mom would have appreciated it," she says.
"I'd like you to meet my fiancé Ana," I introduce. "And my…friend Christian."
This is a very sore issue for me and feels completely wrong to introduce either of them like this. When they brought this topic up over dinner the night before we left, I flat out refused and tried to insist that I would introduce Ana as our fiancé and not as only mine.
"I don't give a flying fuck what any of them think!" I slam my hand on the table. "I could care less what the hell they think about the three of us dating, living together and getting married."
"Taylor, we just don't want to make the trip more stressful for you than it already will be," Ana takes my hand in hers.
"Why the fuck would this make it more stressful? I told you I don't give a fuck what they think!"
"They're going to be staring at you to begin with T," Christian tries to explain. "The moment you walk in the room, all eyes are going to be on. They haven't seen you in how many years, plus given everything that happened…."
"If you introduce me as your fiancé, both of your fiances, they're going to stare even more-"
"Let them!"
"They're going to stare, to whisper and it won't be that they just bring up what happened when you were little, but now they're going to talk about what the three of us are doing," Christian says.
"So what? Let them fucking talk!"
"Taylor, this is supposed to be about your grandmother and everyone saying goodbye to her," Ana points out. "We just want to keep the focus on her and let you say goodbye to her in peace. We don't want to cause any problems and make things worse for anyone."
"You want this?" I glare at Christian. "You're the one who always says that you don't give a shit about what people think about the three of us being together-"
"Of course I don't want this!" Christian interrupts loudly. "This is the last fucking thing that I want! You think I want to stand by and pretend that I'm not with either of you? Pretend that the three of us don't share a bed together every night, that the three of us aren't planning a future together?"
"Then why the fuck are you agreeing to this?"
"Because, I think Ana's right," he runs his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. "You may not give a shit what these people think, and fuck knows I don't either, but this isn't about us. This is about your grandmother and about making this as easy for you as possible. So if that means that for a few hours I need to suck it up and pretend, I will."
"I don't fucking like it," I mumble.
"None of us do Taylor," Ana says gently. "I've never wanted to hide what we have, you know that."
"Look, when the funeral is over, take out a fucking billboard and announce it to them," Christian jokes. "Once it's over, we can drop the façade and stop hiding. We can head back to Seattle and go home without giving it a second thought."
"Fine," I sigh. "But I don't fucking like it."
"Today's really informal," Nancy explains. "It's just a chance to have some time with Mom and everyone before tomorrow comes. People will be coming in and out most of the afternoon. Tomorrow is the actual service of course, followed by the grave side burial. There will a gathering for the family immediately following at our house, which of course you're welcome to join us at."
"Thank you," I intentionally don't accept or decline her invitation.
"You…you look good Jason," she smiles before turning away.
"It's weird hearing her call you Jason," Ana giggles quietly.
"No matter how many times I asked, she wouldn't call me Taylor," I chuckle remembering the countless conversations we had. "Everyone else would, but she said that wasn't the name my mother gave me so she wouldn't call me that."
"Shall we?" Ana squeezes my hand.