Disclaimer: I do not own Miraculous Ladybug or M.A.S.H or any of the characters.
Note: Technically there are Mash spoilers.
Chapter 24,
Adrien and Marinette were escorted to an Army truck. For a moment they watched as Hawkeye and other military members carried wounded soldiers unto the truck and laid them down on the available beds. When the truck was full of new patients, Hawkeye and two other medical soldiers climbed into the truck and it bustled on it's way.
"You know you're lucky I found you when I did. I came up to the front because they needed an extra hand stabilizing wounded. I was about to head back to the 4077th when I saw your car doing cartwheels. Heh, maybe that's where the word 'cartwheel' comes from." Hawkeye said with a smile, but the two children just held each other.
"Ok, listen, when we get back to camp, I'm gonna be pretty busy with my friends taking care of these groupies; I mean they can't get enough of us. But don't you worry, I'm gonna entrust you to this really run man, sometimes woman, named Klinger. You might think he's a little strange when he wears his gown with the plunging neckline, but he looks absolutely stunning when he wears this light blue evening gown." Hawkeye said and Marinette perked up at this comment.
"Really?" Marinette asked and Hawkeye nodded.
"Yeah, he wears dresses all the time, once he even dressed up as the Statue of Liberty with a fun little light show. Do you like fashion?" Hawkeye asked and Marinette smiled a little.
"I want to be a world famous fashion designer." Marinette said and Hawkeye smiled.
"Well, I think you and Klinger will get along just fine. Maybe you can even see a dress together." Hawkeye said and then he looked over at Adrien.
"She's nice, maybe you should keep her." Hawkeye said, and their eyes widened. Embarrassed, they let go of each other and looked away.
"Well, w-we aren't a couple." Adrien said, and Hawkeye glanced at the both of them.
"Uh-huh." Hawkeye said in slight non-belief.
"Well, why don't I tell you a little bit about the camp. I already told you about Klinger, but what I didn't tell you is that Klinger is our company clerk. It use to be this lovely kid we called Radar. However Radar had to go home because his uncle Ed died and he needed to help his mom take care of the family farm. Now the man in charge, Colonel Potter, is nice for regular army. Oh, 'regular army' means he actually enlisted instead of getting himself drafted like the rest of us. This here is his 3rd or 4th war, so he has a good head on his shoulders. He actually replaced, our old commanding officer, Henry Blake, may he Rest In Peace." Hawkeye said, looking down for a moment.
"What happened to him?" Marinette asked.
"Well... Henry was a draftee, like most of us. In this here army you earn points for every day/month/year, and extra points for different awards or promotions you receive. He earned enough points to get discharged and we all said goodbye to him. But on his way home, his helicopter got shot down... no survivors." Hawkeye said sadly and Adrien rubbed the back of his neck.
"My condolences." Adrien said and Hawkeye nodded slowly.
"At least Trapper made it home. I may not have been able to say goodbye to him, but at least I know that he's alive and safe. He was my old bunk mate. BJ replaced him, and he's a wonderful guy. Kind and extremely loyal to his wife and he has a daughter at home he's never met. He's 20x better then that ferret-faced weasel, Frank Burns. He was a wuss, an incompetent doctor, a hypocrite, a fake, but he must have been an incredible lover. No matter how many times he tried to cheat and get a Purple Heart, or told his wife how ugly Margaret was, Hot Lips kept forgiving him; I mean why?" Hawkeye said, forgetting that he was talking to fourteen-year-olds. When he did remember, he chuckled nervously and he cleared his throat.
"Margaret is the head nurse. She's tough, expects the best out of her nurses because she expects the best out of herself. Some people thinks that she is too tough, and she can be, but secretly she is a very warm and loving person, and loves children too. I won't ask her to care for you, but she'll probably want to do something nice for you; just to warn you." Hawkeye said and Marinette smiled at him.
"She sounds nice." Marinette said.
"She is nice, she's just temperamental on account of her short fuse." Hawkeye said, and then he paused a moment.
"Let's see, Klinger, Potter, BJ, Hot Lips, who else? Ah, the spoiled little rich boy, Charles Emerson Winchester the third. He replaced Frank." Hawkeye said that in a stereotypical high class accent, making Marinette giggle.
"I like Charles more than Frank, though. His main problem is that he was sent here. He won up a debt with his superior and he was sent here basically to avoid being paid a debt. He's not as gung-ho about going home like section 8 Klinger, but he is rather determined to return to Tokyo. But if you like things that are a bit more proper, like classical records, or poetry, or rich people food, and insulting those beneath you, Charles is your best friend." Hawkeye said.
"I'm glad you're not like Adrien." Marinette said and Hawkeye blinked.
"Oh, I guess you'll hate our mess tent more then usual. If you're like Charles, you'll view it as a cesspool of dysfunctional flavors determined to murder the healthy tastebuds or everyone in camp, as if it were a kamikaze mission." Hawkeye said and Adrien smirked.
"Well, you did say that you wanted to feed us a terrible meal." Adrien said and Hawkeye smiled.
"I knew there was a grin hiding out in there." Hawkeye said and the children laughed.
"Get ready Hawkeye." The driver said.
"Ah, if you excuse me, I have a previous engagement to get prepped and ready for." Hawkeye said, straightening his back.
"Attention, Attention personnel. Incoming wounded on the compound." A man on the speaker said, and the vehicle stopped soon after. The doors opened up and Hawkeye fell into his professional arena.
"I'll take this one, get him prepped and started with 3 units of whole blood; Margaret I want you by my side." Pierce said when he saw her.
"Yes, Doctor." She said and she went directly inside.
"Father Mulcahy, it looks pretty bad out there, you may need to help with anesthesia or a nurse's aid; you think you can handle that?" Hawkeye asked a kind looking gentleman wearing a black shirt that accentuates his arms and his crucifix necklace.
"I'm happy to help wherever the Lord calls me to help." Father Mulcahy said happily.
"Aw, geez Pierce, why do you always put commies and Gooks ahead or our good old soldier boys? That's against army regulation." Frank Burns said as he passed Hawkeye, who groaned.
"Oh, up your nose with a rubber hose, Frank!" Hawkeye said, and then he stopped dead in his tracks. Was he seeing things?
"You can't say that to me, I'm a superior officer." Frank said and Hawkeye turned around.
"All that means is that you're a superior idiot Frank." Trapper said and Hawkeye simply couldn't believe his eyes.
"That's not very nice!" Frank shouted.
"Better calm down Frank. If your blood pressure gets too high, people will think you're a red panda instead of a ferret." BJ said and Frank huffed.
"Oh, you guys! Colonel, do you hear the things they call me?" Frank complained.
"Well, at least a red panda is cute." Hawkeye heard, but he couldn't believe it. There, standing beside him, was Henry Blake; in his fishing hat, and that warm smile on his face. Hawkeye's eyes watered when he saw him.
"Horse Malarkey! This is a mash unit, and that stands for Mobile Army Surgical Hospital! Not Many Army Surgeons Having a conversation! Get a move on!" Colonel Potter said and most fell into position.
"Hawkeye, I've alerted Klinger to watch those kids in the truck while you're in surgery. He'll be here in a minute." Hawkeye turned and he saw Radar standing beside him.
"Uh... thank you." Hawkeye said slowly and Radar blinked at him.
"Geez, Hawkeye, you look like you've just seen a ghost." Radar said and Hawkeye nodded.
"I have." Hawkeye said, and he turned and entered the hospital and he saw Margaret and Father Mulcahy at the sink scrubbing up. Margaret turned and saw Hawkeye and she grew concerned.
"Doctor, are you alright?" Margaret asked as Hawkeye changed slowly.
"I don't know. Let me ask you both something before I do any surgery." Hawkeye said.
"What is it my son?" Mulcahy asked.
"We're listening." Margaret stated.
"Ok, where is Frank Burns?" Hawkeye asked and Margaret blinked, confused.
"A Veterans hospital in Indiana." Margaret said and Father Mulcahy hesitated.
"Excuse me, Major Houlihan, but Frank Burns should be outside assessing the wounded with Major Winchester." Father said.
"What? Frank's back? That Dirty Skunk! I should have smelt him the second he stepped foot in the 4077th!" Margaret shouted and Hawkeye held her hand.
"Simmer down, Hot Lips." Hawkeye said and Margaret glared at him.
"How many times have an asked you not to call me that?" Margaret asked, but when she saw Pierce's pleading eyes, she sighed softly.
"What else?" She asked.
"What happened to Trapper and Radar?" Hawkeye asked and Margaret rolled her eyes.
"They were discharged." She said.
"Excuse me again for correcting you once more, but if they were discharged, I haven't heard of it. They should be outside as well." Father Mulcahy said and Margaret paused as she started to realize what Hawkeye was feeling.
"And Henry Blake?" Hawkeye asked, and Margaret put her hand over her mouth.
"Once again, outside. Are you sure you two are feeling alright enough to perform surgery?" Mulcahy asked and Hawkeye nodded.
"You go ahead father, I want to talk to Houlihan for a moment." Hawkeye said and the father left promptly.
"Pierce, what's going on?" Margaret asked and Hawkeye shrugged.
"I don't know, I really don't know. But you and I seem to be the only ones who are seeing doubles. And I haven't had a drink since noon." Hawkeye said and she went over to the door and looked out the window.
"My god, they're all out there. Trapper, Burns, Radar and Henry. Why are we the only ones who know they don't belong here?" Margaret asked aloud and Hawkeye sighed.
"Since I said 'I don't know' ten seconds ago, it makes sense to think I know now." Hawkeye said and she rolled her eyes.
"Ok, Mr. Funnyman. How are we suppose to handle ourselves in the operating room, acting like everything is fine?" Houlihan asked and Hawkeye looked at her.
"Margaret, you are the toughest individual I have ever met. You've assisted me on the front, you work through shellings, bombs, and gun fire, and all inside buildings that are seconds away from falling apart. You're scared of loud noises, yet you constantly run to your greatest fear, in order to be the best nurse you can be and help a patient that needs your help. I've seen you do all that and I know you'll survive this. Just think of it as some extra assistance, if you have to, but we have a job to do now. We can deal with the other randomness later." Hawkeye said and he dried his hands throughly and then turned to Margaret again.
"Are you ready nurse?" Hawkeye asked and she nodded.
"Yes, Doctor." She said professionally, and then they went to work.