Steve walked through his neighborhood, simply not to just sit and mope around at home. He knew that he had to get out more, that he couldn't just spend all of his free time inside his apartment. Maybe one day he'd be strong enough to go to a therapist. He wanted to get better, he knew that he had to. She would want him to live his life and to enjoy it. And he wanted to honor her, but it was just impossible for him to enjoy anything at the moment. The loss of her was still too raw and the grief all consuming. All he could think of was her. He stopped by the bakery near Prospect Park, buying chocolate croissants. They had been her favorite and she had always talked about wanting to learn how to do them...
He looked for a quiet place inside the park and found an empty bench near Terrace Bridge and ate his croissants. He sat for some time on that bench, enjoying the sun on his face. He watched the people passing by him, half of them wouldn't even be here without her and Tony. He knew that they hadn't died in vain, that their deaths had meant everything, but it still hurt. Morgan would grow up without her dad who'd loved her so much, Pepper would never kiss her husband again, and Steve...He would never know if she had loved him, too. Life was just fucking cruel sometimes.
A week later, he forced himself to go back to his art school. He'd gone from time and time before the Blip, but had stopped after her death. He knew that she would want him to continue and he wanted to make her proud. There were new people in his course and they recognized him, but didn't bother him which he appreciated. He felt good at the end of the class. He would go next week again, hopefully. He just needed to find the strength for it.
Today he was going to meet Yori for lunch, Bucky was out of town helping Sam with something so he'd asked Steve to go in his place. Steve liked Yori, it was strange that Steve was technically older than the man. He didn't even know if Yori knew who Steve was. Or rather who he had been. Yori definitely didn't know who Bucky was, getting a new hair cut and wearing gloves certainly helped.
Steve picked up Yori and together the two of them walked to Yori's favorite sushi bar. Leah wasn't working today and a teenage boy took their order. Steve's companion told him about his latest doctor's appointment and it reminded him of his own youth and how sick he'd been. If he and his ma could have afforded it, Steve would have been at the doctor's office weekly.
"My wife always said I complain too much." Yori shook his head in amusement. "Were you married?"
Steve shook his head. "No...I never got around to tell her that I love her. There were times where she even tried to set me up with other women."
For some reason it didn't hurt too much to talk about her with Yori. Maybe because he'd lost the woman of his dreams too, or maybe because he was practically a stranger.
"She was the smartest person I know and yet she didn't realize that I only wanted her."
"She knew." Yori said with total conviction. "Women know these things. My wife knew we were going to get married before I even officially courted her. Women know."
Could Yori be right? Had she known that he loved her? Why had she never said anything?
"She was waiting for you to be ready to tell her." Had he said his thoughts out loud?
"Is it ever...will ever not hurt so much?" He asked quietly, dreading the other man's answer.
"I won't lie to you, Steve. It will always hurt. But you learn to live with the pain. You'll enjoy things again, you will even be sometimes happy again. But the grief will always be with you, and I personally am glad for it. Grief is love persevering. The more you love someone, the more you grief. And one day you accept that grief as a part of your love for that person and it won't be so hard anymore."
Steve tried his best. He got more out of the house to go eat somewhere or to go to a museum. He signed up for another art course, determent to go every class, and he and Bucky were meeting more often again. He knew that he had to change something, that if he kept the same routine forever he would drown in his grief. And he was teaching Liho tricks so she wouldn't be too bored in his apartment. He was too worried that she could get run over by car and didn't let her out to roam the area.
He was doing okay, he was still thinking constantly about her, but he tried not to let his grief paralyze himself. Yori was right, grief was a form of love and he needed to learn to live with it.
Work had been good today and getting help himself was now more often on his mind. Talking with Yori had helped, so maybe talking to a therapist would help him even more. He still couldn't really talk with his -their friends about her, it was just easier to talk with someone who hadn't known her personally.
Liho greeted him when he came home, rubbing herself against his shins and purring happily. He bent down to scratch her underneath her chin and then walked to the kitchen to get a knife to open his mail. Nothing really interesting until a cream colored envelope caught his eye. He opened it and found an invitation to the grand opening of the Tony Stark Center next month. He'd known about the project, Pepper had wanted to build a center that would honor Tony and be a second home for kids and young adults interested in technology and science. He hadn't gone to a public event in forever, but he wanted to honor his friend. He owed that to Tony, he owed him a lot. He was just sorry that he couldn't get the kind of life that Tony had been talking about.
Clint had suggested to do something similar to honor her memory and sacrifice, but Steve wasn't sure if this was something that she would have wanted. She had never liked to be the center of attention and had preferred to stay in the shadows. Steve definitely wanted to honor her, he just didn't know how to do that yet. He'd find a way, though.
Steve gave Liho her dinner and looked into his fridge, trying to decided if he was going to cook something or to go out. His phone vibrated in his pants' pocket and it looked like Bucky had decided for him. He'd asked Steve if he wanted to go a steakhouse. He changed his shirt, cuddled Liho for a while and then left to meet Bucky for steaks.
He was still at the very beginning -he still hurt so fucking much-but he felt like he was on his way to find a balance between living his life and grieving the love of his life.
"I'm not comfortable with Rogers and the others not knowing about her. I ran into him and I didn't know what to say to him. It was unpleasant."
"He left her on that planet all alone, he didn't even look for her body! If it weren't for you, she would have died. Again. He doesn't deserve to sit by her side to wait for her to wake up. I'm not stopping Natasha from going to see him once she finally wakes up, but I don't want him here right now!"
"The Time Stone let me see an infinite amount of time lines and in every single one of them Natasha Romanoff and Steve Rogers were together. They're soulmates, you can't keep them apart forever, Fury. They will always find their way to each other."
The beautiful man told her open her eyes. He was waiting for her and she didn't want to disappoint him. She didn't know his name, she wasn't even sure if she knew her own name, but she knew that she wanted to be with the man with the kind eyes. She wanted to touch him, to feel his skin, to hold him in her arms and to tell him that she was always going to be with him. She just wanted to be with him. She wanted to be with the man she loved.
She tried so hard to do what he was telling her to do. She tried and tried, and then finally she found the strength to do what he asked of her. She opened her eyes.