Chapter 27

JOE

I can't breathe. Frank's hands choke me while he screams at the top of his lungs. I've got to wake him from this nightmare.

Black dots crowd my vision. I don't have the strength to fight Frank.

God, help!

A surge of energy flows through me – I grab Frank's ears and pull hard.

Frank's hands fall away from my throat. I roll away and breathe deep gulps of air.

"Frank?" I whisper.

My brother is curled in a fetal position. The brown eyes I've always looked to for strength gaze unseeing at me.

"FRANK!" I shout and grab his shoulders.

He is dead weight in my arms. Frank is gone. The darkness has won. I know every second he's gone my chances of getting him back grow smaller.

God, pleaease. I can't lose Frank.

"Frank, come back! I need you. Please don't leave me. I'm scared. I can't do this without you. I won't let anybody hurt you!."

"Didn't hurt me… hurt you," Frank whispers.

He's back. Thanks, God.

"J-just a nightmare," I whisper.

"No … a memory," Frank whispers. He looks a million miles away trapped in memories. "The first time someone kidnapped us."

"All I remember is waking up in the hospital," I say.

"I almost got you killed," Frank whispers.

He looks a million miles away reliving memories playing in his mind. What if I lose Frank to the monsters in his mind?

"Did you have this nightmare before?" I ask, desperate to keep get my brother back to the present.

"Doesn't matter."

"Frank, it matters to me."

God, help. I don't want Frank carrying these horrible memories alone. But I'm scared of triggering his depression. What do I do?

"After Iola died, you helped me sort it out. Let me help you."

"Scared you'll hate me."

"Never happen."

FRANK

Can I share my darkest secret with Joe? Don't want to let down my guard, but I feel so low. Terrified of being trapped in depression again. Stuck in an endless sea of pain that devours my soul.

"That was the summer I found out you were the bravest person I knew," I whisper.

"Really?" Joe asks, his eyes searching mine.

"Yes," I whisper. "Unfortunately, I discovered I was a coward."

I hear my whispers describe the horror movie playing in my mind.

Closing my eyes, I see 10-year old Joey bite Skull…see Skull toss Joey across the van…hear the sound of Joey's head hitting the metal van…see Joey's head snap back…feel Joey's warm blood on my hands…frantically search for his pulse to prove he's still alive.

I whisper how every time I see the small scar above Joe's left eye, the same horror movie plays in my mind.

I whisper how Skull threatened to kill Joey if I couldn't carry him, and how my shaking legs collapsed.

My whispers tell how Skull held me back, when Claw pushed Joey to Mr. Capri.

"Read this to your dad," Mr. Capri said and forced a paper into Joey's hands, "Or I'll kill your brother."

I whisper how I saw fear in my brother's eyes for the first time when he held the paper in his shaking hands. and sounded out the words.

"B-bad," Joey whispered, sounding out the first word.

"Don't play me, kid," Mr. Capri said and pulled a gun. "The word is 'Dad' not 'bad.' You just earned a bullet for your brother!"

"No!" Joey shouts. He stands in front of me blocking Capri's shot.

"Please, don't hurt Frank! I'm not tricking you! I can't read! I'm the only kid left in the Minnow Reading Group! Everybody tells me to try harder, but it doesn't make a difference! I'm dumb! Dad hates me! He's making me go to summer school! One night when I went downstairs for a glass of water, Dad told Sam, 'Life would be a lot easier with two Franks!' If you want Dad to do something, keep Frank alive! He's Dad's favorite! Dad won't care if I'm gone!" Joey shouts.

Then Joey collapses on the floor in tears.

I break free from Skull's arms and run to my little brother.

"Joey,

"You're not dumb. I'm dumb," I say, as Joe's tears soak through my shirt. "I didn't realize you see letters backwards. You have dyslexia. Your eyes see letters differently. That's why you have a hard time reading."

"Can you fix it?"

"Definitely. And I'm not Dad's favorite. You are. You always have been."

"We're behind schedule! I don't care if Fenton has a favorite!" Capri shouts. He pulls Joey out of my arms and holds a gun at my little brother's temple. "Frank, read the note or I'll kill him!"

Skull shoves a phone in my hand.

"Hardy," Dad answers.

"Dad!"

"Frank, are you OK?"

"The note," Mr. Capri growls, as he pushes the gun harder into Joe's temple.

"Tomorrow in court you will testify you falsified the evidence against Mr. Capri's son. If his son is not cleared of all charges and released tomorrow, I will be killed."

Skull rubs the bite marks on his arm and glares at Joe

And I realize the awful truth…I won't be killed…Joey will. I can't protect him and Skull won't let Joey out of here alive.

"Dad, I'm scared!" I shout. "They hurt Joey! You have to find us!"

"Frank, I'll find you." Dad says. "I promise. Just stay calm."

"Frank, I gave you permission to read the note," Mr. Capri says. "You broke the rules. Now I have to kill you."

He points the gun at me. I'm backed against a wall with nowhere to run. I'm going to die.

Something tackles me as the gun fires. Sprawled on the floor, I struggle to breathe. I push off the heavy object pinning me to the floor.

Joey. Warm blood from my brother's chest stains my hand.

"Fenton, make sure you don't spoil Frank," Mr. Capri says. "He is an only child now."

Only child. Joey wished I was an only child. Now I am. Everything shifts in and out of focus.

"Get them out of here!" Mr. Capri shouts.

"I'll take the live one," Skull says and looks at me with a savage smile. He grabs me by my hair and pulls me to him.

Claw slings a motionless Joey over his shoulder.

"Look at the trail of blood Joey's leaving on the floor," Skull says, as he drags me through it. "I'll let you clean it up. If Joey didn't save you, he'd still be alive. Too bad you couldn't save him. Daddy's gonna be furious when he finds out you killed your little brother."

Claw unlocks a rusty, metal door and throws Joey into the darkness.

Skull gives me a hard shove. I fall into the blackness and down a flight of stairs.

When I land, everything hurts. I draw in jagged breaths. I killed Joey. He died cuz I was a coward.

"J-Joey?" I whisper, as I crawl in the dark. "Joey, I'm sorry. I should have run out of the van when you attacked Skull. Please be ok."

I smell the coppery scent of blood.

"Joey?" I bump into something – putting out a hand I feel Joey's hair sticky with blood.

"Joey, I'm sorry."

I wrap my arms around him.

Light floods the basement.

Momentarily blinded, I hug Joey tighter.

I hear gunfire and smell smoke.

A masked man dressed in black grabs Joey from my arms. I jump on the man and bite his leg. I'm not losing Joey again. I just got him back. Don't even know if he's dead or alive.

Someone pulls me away. Joey and the man in black disappear up the stairs, while I'm trapped behind.

"Easy Frank," another man in black says. "We're the good guys. Our job is to get get you and your brother home to safety."

I remember hoping he's telling the truth before I pass out.

I open my eyes.

Twenty-six- year- old Joe stares back at me.

"Why can't I remember?" Joe asks.

"Traumatic amnesia. You erased your memories to survive."

"Great. You remember everything. I'm a wuss who wiped everything out."

"No! Joe, you saved my life!. You almost died. The bullet you took for me…it almost killed you. The surgeon gave you a five percent chance of living through the night. Mom and Dad had a priest give you the Last Rites."

"I didn't know."

"If you died, it would have destroyed me. Maybe that's why I am so overprotective of you. Maybe that's why I never feel like enough. I can never make up for what happened."

JOE

Iola. I never felt good enough until I met her. She filled up the holes in my heart. Iola changed me.

I remember the day we held hands and walked by the ocean.

"I can't wait to make love to you," Iola said.

I dropped her hand.

"D-don't you think the beach is kind of crowded?"

"Joe, look at me. Making love is a beautiful and sacred thing. It has to be respected at all costs."*

"Uh…"

"You're hyperventilating. Sit down and breath."

"Iola, I've never done it."

"Same here. Joe, when I make love to you I don't want to hold anything back. And I want to be open to having children – so no condoms."*

"I-Iola, we're in tenth grade. I'm not ready for kids."

"I know. I was thinking about how I'm going to make love to you on our wedding night. And I promise you will be the only partner I have as long as I live."*

"But we can't get married for at least six years."

"You're worth the wait. Am I?"

"Yeah. Did you just ask me to marry you?" I ask.

"Only if you can catch me," Iola whispered and ran down the beach in her one-piece orange swimsuit.

Iola died a virgin. I'm still waiting for her

FRANK

I recognize the pain in Joe's eyes.

Iola.

I never knew Joe could fall so completely in love.

I was afraid to love Callie. I kept part of myself back, so if we broke up I wouldn't be destroyed. But Joe loved Iola with everything he had.

Before Iola, Joe was always in motion – doing something. Joe was always wandering off. Felt like I spent half my life looking for him. Everything changed when Joe fell in love. All I had to do was find Iola – Joe was only inches away. Iola changed Joe. She gave Joe a sense of peace.

When Iola died, I almost lost Joe. So I view Iola as a double-edged sword. Joe was happy with Iola. But her death almost destroyed Joe.

I will never forget that day. Joe was flirting was some blond with big hair at the mall. Iola looked furious.

"Joe, I need to see you," I said, pulling him away from the clingy, blond woman's arms.

"Just flirting, it doesn't mean anything," Joe said.

"Means something to Iola," I said.

Joe looked at Iola walking out of the mall.

"Iola!" Joe shouted and ran after her.

I walked after Joe. I wanted to give him his privacy, but I figured he might need me.

When I stepped outside, the world exploded. I fell down and had the wind knocked out of me.

While I struggled to catch my breath, I saw Joe sprawled motionless a few yards away. When Joe rolled over, I was relieved because I knew he was alive. But then he stood up and staggered towards a wall of flames.

Too weak to stand, I crawled after Joe and grabbed his knees. He fell on the hot pavement.

"Joe, she's gone!"

My brother didn't hear me. Joe stood up and pulled us closer to the fire. Flames danced on the sleeve of Joe's shirt.

My adrenaline kicked in. I grabbed Joe's shoulders and pulled back with every ounce of strength I had. He fell back and landed on me. I rolled Joe on asphalt to put out the flames on his sleeve.

My brother almost died that day. I saved him physically but not emotionally. Would Iola still be alive if I had called Joe on flirting five minutes ago? Not a day goes by I do not ask myself that question at least once.

JOE

When Frank told me Iola was dead, part of me died.

In my mind, I fell in a dark pit. Scared. Alone.

Felt like a huge spider wrapped me in its web - cutting me off from everyone I love.

"I killed her," I whisper.

"Joe, this wasn't your fault," Frank said, with his hand on my shoulder.

"I didn't get to apologize."

"Joe, Iola loved you. She knows how you felt."

I close my eyes. When the car exploded, my life exploded. Everything is gone. The woman I love is dead. The kids we planned to have are gone. The one person who made me feel alive is dead. I am dead inside. My life is gone.

Waves of anger, fear and hate sweep over me. There is no floor to my dark feelings. I just keep falling.

The worst part is I hurt Iola. When she died, she hated me.

I hear Frank talking. In my mind, the spider wraps another strand of web around me. I struggle but I can't break free. I scream, but no one hears me.

Before when I was scared, Frank or Dad always made things better. But they can't bring Iola back. Closing my eyes, the spider wraps its web around me – dragging me deeper into the darkness.

God, please let me die.

I smell lilacs – Iola's perfume.

Peace surrounds me – a love so powerful it overwhelms me. I close my eyes and see Iola. I am scared to touch her, scared to talk to her…so I just drink in the sight of her.

"Joe," Iola whispers.

"Can you come back if I die?" I ask.

"No."

Pain rips through my soul. I see the car explode again in my mind.

"Joe, look at me," Iola says.

I can't. I am the one who killed her.

"I know you'd give your life for me. I even know why you were flirting."

"Huh?"

"When Frank got a full scholarship to Bayport University you flirted with every girl you saw for a week. The same thing happened when he was valedictorian of his class."

"I did?"

"You feel insecure when Frank gets honored. You flirt to feel better. I know you never felt like enough."

"You do?"

"I don't blame you. It's not easy being Frank's brother."

"He's a good brother…"

"I know. He also has a genius IQ. Lots of his teachers expected you to be a mini Frank."

"I'm not."

"I'm glad. I love you just the way you are."

"If you dated Frank instead, you'd still be alive."

"I couldn't date Frank, I fell in love with you."

"First mistake. I'm like the stray dog at the animal shelter no one wants. Just taking up space."

"You take up all the space in my heart. Did you ever hear 'If the whole body was an eye, how would you hear? If the whole body were an ear, how would you smell?'"

"Lost me. Unless you mean Mike with one "I" who had a huge eye in Monsters, Inc.?"

"No, it means God gave everyone different gifts. I love your humor, the way you live life to the fullest, and how you never quit…even now."

"Iola, I can't do this without you."

"Joe, your biggest fear is you lost me forever. But I'm here…waiting for you," Iola says. "Just like before."

"No. I can't see you…talk to you…hold your hand."

"Joe, the most important thing hasn't changed. I love you. Do you love me?"

"Always."

"Then fight this for me. Every time you feel like giving up listen to our song."

"We don't have a song."

"We do now. Enough in You by Jonny Diaz. Whenever I hear it I think of you. Especially, the lyrics,

'Through the thunder and lightning You hold me close

You have always been enough.

So I can say that I am enough.'

"God has this Joe, trust me," Iola says, as she fades from my sight.

I listened to that song a million times, I still do.

But I can't tell Frank. What if he doesn't believe me? How can I logically prove to Frank I saw Iola moments after she died? I can't.

"Joe?" Frank asks. "You ok?"

I open my eyes. A worried-looking present day Frank stares at me.

"Yeah," I mumble. "I'm glad you told me about the kidnapping."

Frank

Iola. I hate how Joe closes off from everyone when he thinks about her. I suffer from depression. I never want that pain for Joe. And Iola seems the most likely trigger to send Joe spiraling into depression.

I am always torn between listening to Joe talk about Iola and distracting him to a safer target.

My cell rings.

"Hardy," I growl.

"Hey, it's Rick. My crew is rewiring the ocean cottage for your dad. I'm gonna need an extra $15,000."

"I need to see your contracts and cost estimates."

"No time. I need the money today or my supplier won't ship me the stuff. Give me the money or me and my crew walk."

I close my eyes. This guy drives a red Hummer. I know he is cheating me. But Joe is listening to every word. I don't have the time or energy to clean up Dad's mess.

"You will have your money by 5 pm," I growl and disconnect.

"What's up?" Joe asks.

I hate this. Dad is never here. I step up. Now I can either lie to Joe or ruin Dad's surprise remodeling of Joe's ocean cottage.

"An investment property I'm flipping has a cost overrun," I say and grab my car keys.

"I'll ride shotgun," Joe says and climbs in the passenger seat.

"Can you drop me at Prito's Pizzeria? I'll get a pizza before dinner."

"No time. The bank closes in 20 minutes."

Joe's stomach growls loudly.

"Here, eat this," I say, and pull a bag out of my center console.

"What is it?" Joe asks and sniffs a green muffin.

"The breakfast I won't be eating tomorrow after my gym workout."

"Why is it green? Did something go wrong at the factory?"

"It's healthy."

"It smells bad."

"Don't eat it, but no whining."

"I don't whine," Joe says, as his stomach growls.

"I hate you," Joe says.

He closes his eyes, plugs his nose and shoves the whole muffin in his mouth. Joe chokes and drinks an entire bottle of water.

"Can't get the bad taste out of my mouth," Joe says and puts the window down.

"Hey, it's raining inside my car."

"Think I'm gonna hork that muffin," Joe says.

"Joe, I eat that muffin every morning for breakfast after I hit the gym. I paid $10 for that muffin at the health food store."

"What's in it?" Joe asks.

"Spinach, kale, seaweed."

"Seaweed? That green stuff that floats around at the beach? The stuff that gets stuck in your hair while you swim? And when you pull it out, you pull out a gob of hair too? I ate hair?"

Joe looks pale.

"No, you did not eat hair."

"Seaweed? The kind that floats around in the water while you swim? The water that people pee in cuz the bathrooms are too scary?"

"NO!"

Sweat breaks out on Joe's forehead.

"Seaweed like the stuff that washes up on the beach? The stuff people walk on with their dirty, sweaty, smelly, bare feet?"

Joe leans out the window and vomits.

I pull off the road.

By the time, I'm out of the car, Joe is on his knees throwing up in the weeds.

I put my hand on Joe's back.

"Rinse," I say and hand him a bottle of water.

"The Health Food Bistro has high standards. Would I buy food at a store that wasn't sanitary?"

"No."

"I ate all seven muffins in this bag. And I've never thrown up."

I hold the bag upside down. A long red hair falls out.

"Jody must have forgot her hairnet," I say.

Joe shuts his eyes and hurls.

When I pull into the bank parking lot, a pale Joe is slumped against the passenger seat with his eyes closed. Is he asleep?

I lock the doors, buy a ginger ale at the mini-mart and hurry back to Joe.

When I unlock the car door, Joe's blue eyes fly open.

"Easy. Drink this."

I watch Joe drink one swallow of ginger ale. Big brother guilt hits me hard. It is not logical. All I did was give Joe a muffin. But there is no reasoning with my emotions.

"Joe, I'm sorry."

"Movie," Joe mumbles.

"All I did was give you a muffin."

Joe opens one eye and gives me the look. The look that always makes me cave.

"OK. You get to pick a movie."

"Lavalantula."

"What?"

"Tarantulas that shoot lava," Joe mumbles.

I groan.

Joe opens his eyes.

"Fine. I'll watch the movie. After I do Dad's banking and run the car through an automatic wash."

Joe closes his eyes and leans against the window.

I check the area for anything suspicious. Everything looks ok – except my schedule for the rest of the night.

"Back in five minutes," I say and hit the auto lock button on my key chain.

JOE

I scan for trouble as Frank walks into the bank.

When he walks into the bank, I turn the radio to KLOVE. Blanca's song What If plays.

I get these thoughts inside my head. What if I don't have what it takes.

I feel like that. Figured if I couldn't protect Iola, it was only a matter of time before I got Frank killed.

Blanca sings:

What if You Are Holding Me Up? What if Your Love is Enough? What if the Power in Your Name Can Do Anything? And what if You Are Making Me Strong. What If You Were Here all Along.

That's the reason I stayed Frank's partner. I couldn't keep him safe. But if God was helping me, I knew my brother would be ok. Feel like a loser cuz I'm too embarrassed to tell Frank, my logical brother, maybe I believe in God.

I look out window and see a woman with long, black hair. Iola? When I see her face, I realize it's just another stranger.

I flashback to the car exploding. Iola trapped inside. I run my hand over the burn scars on my arm. Everyday these scars remind me of what I lost. I feel darkness overtaking me.

When I grab my cell out of my pocket, a piece of paper falls out.

Shark's note.

I forgot to tell Frank.

Waves of darkness and anxiety hit me like a hurricane. I break out in a cold sweat. My stomach feels sick.

Need something to hold on to – something to anchor me here in the present and keep the past from overwhelming me. Going to a dark place. Gotta distract myself.

Please God, just help me get through the next minute. And the minute after that. Give me something to keep me from going crazy.

Frank. God gave me the best brother in the world.

My shaking hand hits 1 on my speed dial.

"Hardy," Frank growls.

"I'm bored."

FRANK

The line of people waiting for a bank teller slowly plods along. Five minutes pass before I get to the teller. Five minutes in Joe time is ten years.

"I need to transfer money to a different account," I say.

While the teller keys in my information, my phone rings.

"I'm bored," Joe says.

"I'm busy," I say and hang up.

Ridiculous. Like grocery shopping with a toddler.

My phone rings again.

"Hardy."

"Really bored."

"Really busy."

I hang up.

Phone rings.

"Gonna hurl."

"No, you're not."

"Green car parked beside us. You've scarred me for life. I see green, think seaweed, and have to hurl."

"Drink some ginger ale. Turn on the radio. I'll be there in one minute. Just getting bank receipt," I say and disconnect.

"Kids," the teller says and hands me my receipt. "I've got a three-year-old. Impossible to get anything done. But I wouldn't trade him. Bet you feel the same way."

I nod and put the receipt in my wallet.

My phone rings. I lose my calm. I can't deal with Dad's stuff and Joe's stuff. I feel overwhelmed.

"Not now," I growl, walking out of the bank.

"Never leave anything important in your car," Shark says.

My car explodes.

Notes

I love America. But I hate our history of slavery. Slavery that treated people like objects…that broke up families…that crushed the soul of its victims…that abused people emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I am Catholic. I love God. But my church covered up a huge sex abuse scandal. It treated people like objects…brokeu p families…crushed the souls of its victims…and abused people emotionally, physically and spiritually.

A gravestone in our cemetery has an inscription. Roughly it says, "And when I have closed my eyes for the last time on this earth, let people say if this was the servant (of God), what must the master be like?"

The sex abuse scandal happened because priests and those in power turned their eyes away from God. God was not their master.

There are no excuses for what happened. I am ashamed.

*Taken from Waiting Til Marriage home page, 7 Reasons Why Catholics Wait Til Marriage, June 18, 2014, Jegsy Scarr Some of it is direct quotes sorry I didn't mark them.

What if the body were all eye? How would you hear? This is from the Bible.