"You can't leave!"

Steve was running after Natasha to put his hand on top of the car door so she couldn't get it open. He knew that he was being a giant ass, but he had no choice. He'd rather have her hate him forever than her getting abducted or have something even worse happen to her.

"The fuck I can't!" Natasha shouted at him, the venom in her voice breaking his heart, not turning around to look at him. "Let go off the fucking door!"

"I know that you hate me and I can't blame you for that. But you can't leave. It's too dangerous!"

"I don't believe you!" She tried to ram her elbow into his stomach but he easily caught it with his other hand. "Please let me go." She whispered quietly. He hated that tone more than her angry shouts. She sounded truly scared of him. He'd really fucked this up, Natasha was never going to forgive him for this.

He let go off her elbow.

"Natasha." He said softly, trying to ignore his own turmoil inside of him since it didn't matter. "I'll explain everything. I answer every one of your questions. I swear to you! But you have to stay here. I can't let you go. I'm sorry."

"Why?"

She still wasn't facing him. He tried to meet her gaze in the reflection of the car window, but she didn't allow it.

"It's not me who's in potential danger. There's a chance that people are after you. And right now with your amnesia you're defenseless. I call Fury to get someone else to stay with you, but until that happens we have to stay together. I'm sorry. I truly am."

"So you lied again." Natasha's chuckle was humorless. "Everything coming out of your mouth is a fucking lie. How do I know you're not lying again?!"

"I know you have no reason to believe me." He racked his brain, trying to come up with anything to get her to believe him at least about this. A thought crossed his mind."You can call Fury!"

"Fury? Who the hell is Fury?"

"The "FBI" agent assigned to your case. He's our former boss."

"He said his name was Jackson." Natasha snorted. "Everyone's a fucking liar. Is Betty even a baker? Or some kind of undercover agent?!"

"No, she is a baker. And her name is truly Betty. And she cares about you."

She finally let go of the door handle and turned around to face him. Her eyes were red from tears and she looked like he'd felt.

"No one cares about me. Am I truly a killer?"

"You've taken lives. And so have I." He tried to ease her into her past life. "It's not that simple. For a long time, you were forced to do things that you normally wouldn't have done. Horrible people controlled you, but once you saw a chance to get out you took it and saved lives. You saved the whole universe, sweetheart."

Natasha didn't look like she believed him yet and he couldn't blame her.

"What happened to me?"

"If you come inside, I will tell you everything."

Natasha looked at him for what felt like a life time until she finally nodded.

"Okay, but I haven't decided yet if I'll stay. And this doesn't mean that I trust you. I don't know if I ever will again."

Bucky shooting him in DC had been less painful, but he knew that he deserved it. He gave her a nod and stepped away from her. Natasha walked past by him and back into the cabin. He followed her and closed the door behind him. He knew better than to sit down next to her on the sofa. Her whole body language was tense and she watched his every move. He went to the armory and took out a Glock. He loaded the gun and put it on the coffee table when he came back into the small living room. Natasha stared at the gun and then at him.

"I know you're scared of me. It's for your protection."

It broke his heart when she reached for the gun and placed it next to her on the couch. He had hurt her so much. He would never stop hating himself for everything he had done to her. There was no salvation for him.

Natasha wrapped her arms around herself, looked at the gun next to her and then at him.

"Why don't I remember anything about myself?"

He took a deep breath and then he started talking. He told her about Thanos, about the purple man in her dreams, that half the universe turned to dust, and that for five years there was no hope. And then there suddenly was hope again, he told her about the Stones and the time heist, and then he told her about her sacrifice. He told her with tears in his eyes about how Clint returned without her from Vormir, and that they undid what Thanos had done and that he returned the Stones. And that Natasha came back to life. And then he told her about the thing he was most ashamed of.

"I...I didn't look for you. I just...I thought your body was gone and...I should have looked for you. But I didn't, because seeing your body would have been... I should have realized that you came back to life. But I left you there on Vormir. I...I am so sorry, Nat."

He had no idea what Natasha was currently thinking. If she even believed him. An alien wiping out half the universe would sound pretty crazy to him if he hadn't lived through the last twelve years.

"How did I get back here?"

"Strange sensed you. Stephen somehow sensed that you were alive. He's not just a neurosurgeon, he's also a sorcerer. I know it's sounds insane, but he traveled through time and space and brought you back home. Strange and I think that the Soul Stone is clinging onto you, that it's messing with your memories. Remember when we were in the woods and you had a seizure? You remembered something. I cursed and you said that you thought I didn't like this kind of talk. You said that to me once before. Your seizures are caused by memories. That is why everyone is lying to you. We don't know how bad they could get. Strange thinks that you will eventually remember, that the Stone will lose its power over you and disappear for good."

"My dreams and nightmares...They aren't just dreams and nightmares. They're memories."

"Yes, I think so."

"Why didn't you stay away from me if triggering me is bad for me?"

He looked to the ground. He had spent the last weeks convincing himself that he was visiting her because she wanted him to, but in reality he had only done it for himself.

"I just couldn't, I should have left you alone, but I just couldn't. I didn't know that you were alive again. No one told me. That day I saw you through the windows of the bakery? It was an coincidence or as I believe fate. I had to get out of the city because my grief was drowning me and I drove aimlessly around until I decided to get something to eat and when I saw you... I also came back to live. I never thought I would ever be happy again and then I found you."

"Am I the one you lost recently?"

"Yes. I was so fucking lost without you and when Fury told me the truth...I just couldn't stay away from you. I was a wreck after your death. I was barely functioning. It was selfish to keep visiting to you, I know that now, and I am sorry. I let you down. Again. I thought you were benefiting from my visits, that I made you happy and I tried not to trigger any memories, but I shouldn't have come to see you. I shouldn't have spent time with you. I did it for me. And not for you. I am sorry, Nat."

She didn't accept his apology. And why should she? She had no reason to.

"I don't understand why I'm not getting seizures now. Nothing you're telling me rings a bell. I know that I dreamed about this Thanos guy, but I still don't remember any of it. Not really."

"Do you believe me?"

"I shouldn't, but I do. It sounds way too crazy to be made up."

Natasha looked smaller somehow. She always had seemed bigger than life to him, but now she just seemed small and lost. He wanted to pull her into his arms to comfort her, but he knew better. He would probably end up getting shot. And he would deserve it.

And he did wonder as well why Natasha wasn't triggered. He didn't want her to get seizures, he never wanted her to be in any pain.

She is in pain, he reminded himself, because of you.

Didn't she get a seizure because she wasn't remembering on her own? Could they have told her about herself all along because it wasn't harming her? Had Fury and Strange handled the whole situation wrong? Had Steve handled the situation wrong?

"Tell me about me. The magazine called me a killer and seductress."

"That magazine is full of bullshit!"

He was going to sue those asshole for everything they owned.

He had to tell Natasha her true story and so he did. He told her everything he knew about her, everything she'd ever confided in him, he talked about for what felt like hours. He needed her to know that she was the best of all of them, that she had the biggest heart, that she was the bravest person that he'd ever known. That the things the Red Room had forced her to do weren't her fault, that she had wiped the red out of her ledger ages ago. He told her about their friends, about her family.

She hadn't said a word while he'd talked, hadn't asked any questions. She just looked at him and he wished that he could know what was going on in her head.

"My sister-" She said eventually. "Is Yelena okay?"

"She's as okay as she can be after losing you. I'm keeping tabs on her. She's got a dog now."

"I want to see her. I want you to take me to her."

"Nat-"

"I get that we can't leave yet. I don't even know how to use that gun." She nodded her head at the Glock next to her. "Let alone defend myself against people who do know how to use that. I'm not stupid. I know that I'm safest with you. I've seen you stop a giant tree with just one hand. I'll stay here with you until it's safe to leave. I don't like it one bit, but I have to do it. And then you're taking me to my sister. She needs to know that I'm alive. I want to see her. She's my sister, I can trust her. You have to take me to her, I don't care what you think about that."

"I will." He promised her. He was going to do everything she was asking him to as long as it didn't put her in any danger. "The minute we'll get the okay we'll leave."

She picked up the gun and got up from the couch. "I'm going to bed. I'm not hungry. You should get your things for the night out of the room."

"Yeah, of course."

He knew he had no right to feel like this, but it did hurt him that she kicked him out of the bedroom. He would have slept on the couch anyway, but it still hurt. Last night and the nights before they had been in loved and shared a bed and now...

Everything was ruined and he only had himself to blame for it.

Natasha didn't look at him while he gathered his things and kept a safe distance from him. He'd always thought that Natasha being angry with him was the worst, but a scared Natasha was his own personal hell.

"Steve?"

He was already on the stairs when she called his name. She finally used his real name, but it sounded tainted now. He'd never really thought much about his name before, but now he hated it. He turned around, thinking that maybe the door was still a bit open for him?

"Yes?" He asked, hopefully.

"Were we a couple? Before I died?"

"No. I never got around to tell you how I really feel about you."

Natasha just looked at him with a blank expression on her face. She didn't say anything more and closed the bedroom door.

The door wasn't still a bit open for him, quite literally. And it hurt even more when he heard her lock the door. He had done everything wrong and Natasha had every reason to shut him out, he knew that of course, but he couldn't change the way he felt. It hurt. Not nearly as much as when he'd thought he'd lost her forever, but his heart was still broken. He had lost her again in another way, and his heart was broken again. And it was all his fault.