Previously, on Zootopia Files… also, feel free to supply your own dramatic music as you read this.
"Judy…" Stu Hopps said anxiously, "There's something your mother and I have been meaning to tell you."
"What dad?" Judy said.
"Well… you're a robot." Bonnie Hopps said. Judy just snorted in bemusement.
"No seriously, what do you want to tell me that is so important that you came to Zootopia?" Judy said in disbelief.
"Why is it that every gift I get from Aunt Myrtle is simply decorative? I mean what can this thing even be used as beyond a conversation piece?" Davies complained as he rubbed his elbow on what looked like a genie's bottle. Then smoke blew out of the lid.
"I am the genie of the bottle, oh master. And I shall grant you three wishes." The genie, a female light-brown jackrabbit said.
"Hmm… Aunt Myrtle finally did something right. Okay… genie. Is there some sort of time limit for these wishes, or can I actually put some thought into them?" Davies asked.
"So… how do you like dinner so far?" Sally Samuel said awkwardly, as her date. Peter Porker voraciously ate a salad.
"Delicious...! but I'm REALLY looking forward to dessert!" He said, his mouth covered in vine Grete.
"I hate to tell you this Peter… but I don't think this place HAS a dessert menu. Just trust me, I checked." Sally said.
Judy was on the floor, loudly laughing. "THAT IS… THAT HAS TO BE THE RIDICULOUS THING I HAVE EVER HEARD, ME, A ROBOT!" Judy howled as she cried… and causing her synthetic skin to melt off, revealing that she is in fact, a robot. "I JUST… REALLY?! YOU HAVE TO… have to… oh, cheese and crackers." Judy said as she saw her reflection in the pool of her tears and melted synthetic skin.
"Yeah… we've been meaning to tell you for some time now." Stu said.
"You know… this makes no sense to me. I remember being a kitt-"
"Well, you're not REALLY a robot… it's just your real brain is in a robot body. At least that's how the doctor explained it." Bonnie said.
"Oh… well, that makes much more sense… I think." Judy said.
"Well, you're taking this a lot better than your cousin Jana did," Stu said.
"Wait, Cousin Jana is a robot?" Judy asked, Stu and Bonnie just looked at each other, not certain how to explain the matter.
Bogo sat down in his office chair… and was met with the distinct sound of a fart. "Clawhauser, call Wilde in. I think I found another of his… 'Wayward' whoopee cushions." Bogo said into an intercom.
"Chief, I hate to say no. But Nick and Judy are out of town on vacation." Clawhauser said, followed by Bogo blushing at the realization that he actually farted. "Though we did find about five more in the Bull Pen, two in the men's room, and an entire crate out in shipping! Not kidding, an entire crate that was just full of fresh whoopee cushions!"
"I don't know… this is starting to look like something I should discuss with a lawyer about." Davies said as he looked over the list of wishes he had made.
"I assure you, master, it is not necessary to speak with an arbiter on the matters of wishing." The genie said.
"Perhaps, but I think I might know enough about genie lore to know. That you guys aren't above corrupting a wish, like if I asked for super-strength, literally anything I touch can just… I don't know fall apart as if I put actual effort into breaking it. Or anyone I touch would fly through a wall… and probably never stop flying. Or if I just TOUCH the ground the entire world would be destroyed." Davies said.
"I assure you, while I cannot speak on behalf of my fellows. I do not make the habit of corrupting my master's wishes for my amusement." The genie said, looking impatient with the autistic rabbit.
"Well, I'm just playing the odds! I want to make the most out of three wishes… speaking of-"
"You already asked if you could wish for more wishes. I already said no." The genie said.
"Darn it!" Davies said as looked over his wish list intently.
"Crain, are you wondering what I'm wondering?" Thumb asked of his cohort.
"NARG! I think so Thumb, but why is there a shoe industry if Gazelle seems to be the only one who wears them?" Crain responded.
"That's… a good question, but not what I was wondering. I'll have to look into that one latter. When, you know. We're not busy plotting to take over the world." Thumb said.
"So Cousin Jana is an actual robot… and when she found out she had an existential crisis." Judy said.
"Yes, unfortunately, Loren… instead of giving her any sort of therapy… well-"
"Hello Steward, Bonnie, Judy." A rabbit with an emotionless face said, entering the room that they were in.
"Yeah… he basically reprogrammed Jana into an emotionless vegetable." Stu continued. Then, Judy started peeing on the floor.
"Judith Lavern Hopps!" Bonnie said scolding.
"IT'S SCARY OKAY?!" Judy shouted.
"I know! But there are better ways to express terror than by whizzing all over the floor!" Bonnie said.
"It's not quite as terrible as you might think. I kept a copy of her original personality… somewhere. Pretty sure it's in a drawer... back home… somewhere. Bottom line, your uncle Loren is an utter monster." Stu said, trying to reassure his terrified daughter.
"Well… you all have given me an idea… I'll share it with you in April." Judy said as he eye began twitching.
"-so in short. You want to make out with me?" Sally asked.
"Yes! This is not complicated...! I'm disappointed there isn't any dessert here. But I would like, to make out, with-"
"Peter, I'm flattered. Really… but I think that would be anatomically impossible. I mean my tongue is eighteen inches long… and well... how would that even work? I mean your tongue probably wouldn't even get to the back of my mouth. And… my tongue would take up most of your mouth and… look, I think your cute Peter. But… well, this date is getting kind of weird." Sally said awkwardly.
"Came on too strongly?" Peter said, looking embarrassed.
"That's putting it mildly, but yes," Sally said.
"Okay genie, I think I got this worked out. I can fold multiple wishes in one wish?" Davies said.
"Yes, master." The genie said in resignation.
"I use the two wishes to wish for multiple things, while I use the third to free you from your bottle?" Davies said.
"Yes… and I must say, I appreciate your offer to free me from my prison." The genie said.
"Right… genie, for my first wish. I wish that gluten allergies were non-existent, in addition-"
"Judy! What are you doing?" Nick said with surprise and shock.
"It's called a hustle… sweetheart." Judy said in a mockingly sweet tone, as she aimed her tranq-gun at Nick… and squeezed the trigger.
And now, the conclusion to our story, already in progress… also, the whole thing with Judy as a robot and cousin Jana is a Twilight Zone reference. The episode in question is called, 'The Lateness of the Hour'. I think.
…really? My story was, delayed to parody a previously-on segment? NONE OF THAT STUFF HAPPENED IN THE LAST CHAPTER!... though there was that one April Fools were Nick did booby trap every chair in the Precinct with whoopee cushions, but he and Judy weren't out of town out of town when that happened. Think they both got meter maid duty for a month for that.
At any rate, I'm rambling. Where was I?
I thought it was the end… but then an angel from on high intervened. A gunshot rang out… and Kaitlin's dart gun exploded.
"CLAWHAUSER! ELECTRO-GUN!" Shouted the same mechanical voice that had called me earlier, I did not need to be told twice, I drew my Electro-Gun, and fired on the robots… and Kaitlin.
"WHAT?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?! I HAD THAT THOSE TWO EXACTLY WHERE I WANTED THEM!?" Dr. Mulerson brayed as the robots went down like flies around a horse's rear.
"Okay, Mulerson… you're under arrest for… whoa, I have not been this active in years." I said, feeling exhausted after I had deactivated the last robot.
"Well… this has been a bust for us." Thumb said in disappointment.
"I didn't even get any ice cream," Crain said, also in disappointment.
"Officer… do you know who that shooter was?" Gazelle asked.
"That's… that's not really something I would know. I think I just met them today. And please… just call me Benjamin. Or just Ben, either one works." I said, still winded from the exertion.
"I must get out of here! Start somewhere fresh!" Dr. Mulerson yelled, apparently he had all his sights set on starting his insane revolution in Zootopia.
After I caught my breath, I found Dr. Mulerson trying to drive away. But his truck was loudly stalling.
"HEY! MULERSON! I'm taking you in." I yelled as I took aim with my tranq-gun, and fired. Thankfully, he didn't think to roll up his window. "Well… I may be out of practice. But I still got it." I said as I holstered the tranq-gun. It was then that I got another call from Judy. "Judy, is this actually you?" I asked when I answered.
"You've done good Benjamin. According to my monitoring equipment, the future has healed… no robots running amok under Mulersons control." The voice said.
"It was nothing… so was that you that destroyed the dart pistol?" Clawhauser asked.
"Yes… in fact, I had disabled Mulersons truck, specifically so that you could get the drop on him." The voice said.
"What?! Then why didn't YOU tranq him?" I said in surprise.
"For one thing, by the time my daughter got the time travel device working. Tranq weapons weren't really a thing. Only the bullet shooting ones, and second… after what happened to you in the original timeline, I figured that it would only be right that you'd get a chance to be a hero." The voice said.
"What do you mean 'what happened to me'?" I asked.
"We… we found out what happened by accessing your memory core in the future. You tried to help Gazelle with money problems. Mulerson had your friend Kaitlin turn you, and Gazelle into robots. Then you were both effectively sleeper agents, and… and then… used you both to destabilize Zootopia, to make it easier to conquer." The voice explained if I didn't know any better. I'd say it's… trying NOT to cry.
"Who are you anyway?" I asked.
"Let's… let's just say that you know me better than you think you do." The voice said.
"Well that narrows it down, doesn't it?" I said.
"We might meet again someday… but for now. A little mystery can't hurt in the meantime. Can it?" The voice said.
Clawhauser and Kaitlin were sitting in Bogo's office.
"-and that's why I left work so early yesterday," Clawhauser said, Bogo just looked flabbergasted and disappointed.
"I… you spent the entire day with Gazelle… and you DIDN'T get me an autograph!?" Bogo said.
"Oh, I did! I even got her phone number for helping her!" Clawhauser said as he handed Bogo an autographed photo personalized for Bogo, Bogo just groaned.
"And Kaitlin… you were cleared by Selene right?" Bogo asked.
"Aye, aye Buffalo Bill, no AI's are going to hijack this wolf! And Selene said something about a liberated robot support group." Kaitlin said in a chipper tone.
"Well… you finally caught Dr. Mulerson. But the Mayor is less than impressed that you didn't keep anyone in the loop, and for not taking in Thumb and Crain. To say nothing about Selene's complaints about taking equipment without a requisition form." Bogo said.
"Yeah… I think the first thing she called me over the phone. Was, 'you fat pussycat'." Clawhauser said.
"So… until further notice. You're being suspended, with pay… and Swift-Hoof wants you to attend mandatory exercise." Bogo said grimly.
Clawhauser's jaw dropped in horror. "Come on Benjamin, you can do it. You faced me, and an army of robots with just an Electro-Gun. I think you can manage an hour or two on a treadmill." Kaitlin said reassuringly. Clawhauser didn't hear her, as he was petrified with fear.
"Don't worry Benjamin. Edward has set you up with a personal trainer.
"Put your legs into Clawhauser! Sooner you finish, the sooner you can get this!" Judy said, dangling a donut before Clawhauser as he loudly panted while running on a treadmill.
"Judy…! This is animal cruelty!" Clawhauser panted.
"It's called tough love! Now stop talking, it'll only make you more exhausted! I might not even eat this." Judy said as she licked her lips at the donut. Clawhauser then picked up his pace.
Fin.
Seriously… my story was delayed for THIS?!