This was it. This was how she looked. This was what she needed Emma to know.
But Emma was not looking at her throat. She was looking at her face. Her mouth was slightly open as though she was about to say something.
Regina hoped that she wouldn't. Not now. She feared that courage would desert her again if Emma said things like 'you don't have to do this' or 'that's not necessary'.
She did need to do this.
And it was necessary.
It was important to Regina to be allowed to do this without interference or reassuring words that she didn't have to. She wanted to show Emma this. She did not feel forced to do so because Emma had taken her by her surprise. In some way, she was glad that Emma had showed up unannounced. Otherwise it was possible that she never would have found the courage to do this.
She had trusted Emma with everything so far.
Now it was time to trust her with this too.
She saw Emma's gaze slowly drop to her throat. Regina's stomach clenched. But she couldn't keep shying away from this. She carefully lifted her hair and allowed Emma to see.
See the red line that started just below her chin and went all the way to her nape.
Like a snake wrapping around her throat.
Now Emma could see it all. The scar at the center of her throat. The faded puncture marks from the failed injections.
'I'm sorry, miss Mills. We tried, but…'
Then there was the other mark on her throat. The one that sat just below her surgery scar.
Regina's heart sped up as she remembered.
The cold metal belt buckle being pressed hard against her neck. Cutting it. Slicing the skin open. She remembered the feeling of the blood dripping down her neck. She remembered how she had clawed at the belt. Yanked at it in an attempt to pull it away. She had not succeeded. But she had tried. She had fought for her life. Begged for mercy.
Please don't!
Please don't!
She had pleaded and bargained with everything she had. She had even told him that she would do everything he asked. Stay with him.
It hadn't worked.
'Shut up, shut up, you fucking bitch! You fucking asked for this!'
'I know! This is my fault, and I am so, so sorry, Killian! I am! Please let me go so we can talk about this! Please!'
There had been no talking about it.
There had just been Killian calling her every single bad word in the vocabulary while strangling her. The memories got a little blurry after that, but Regina had a vague recollection of dropping to her knees. Of her ears ringing. Of losing control over her bladder. Of coughing and clawing and clawing and coughing until her strength dwindled and had been replaced with the acceptance that she was going to die.
At some point she was sure she had heard Henry's voice in her head. Seen her father stand in the corner of the room.
To this day, Regina was absolutely sure that her father had in fact been there. Why shouldn't he have? She had been an inch away from dying. If the police had not shown up when they did, she would not have lived to tell the tale. Or not tell the tale. Killian's terror regime had come to a stop, but the cost had been so terribly high.
She had lost everything that night. And now she was forced to live with the marks and memories. And she doubted that she ever would be okay with that.
The memories of that night pressed and pressed against her skull until there was no holding them back anymore. They exploded in her head all at once, and once again, it all came down to one single question.
Why?
A single question and yet so many.
Why had Killian taken pleasure in her terror?
Why had he not stopped hitting her after the first time he did it?
Why hadn't she kicked him out after the first time?
Why hadn't he stopped and realized what he was doing?
Why hadn't he remembered what he had told her once? That he refused to become like his father who had beat his mother.
Why hadn't she run out of the front door instead of upstairs?
Why hadn't she left while he was at work?
Why wait and put herself in danger?
How different her life could have been if she hadn't gone to that bar that night.
How different things could have been if she had left the first time, he had hit her.
Why had she been so trusting?
Killian, please don't! You're hurting me!
Good….
That was what he had said to her when she had pleaded with him. He had enjoyed inflicting pain upon her.
But it wasn't his words or even his ice cold, menacing laughter that haunted her when she woke up with nightmares.
It was his eyes.
His eyes that had looked at her when he was on top of her. He had grabbed her chin harshly and yanked her head to the center. He had forced her to look at her.
Regina would never forget how his eyes had looked that night.
Completely black with anger and almost blazing with hatred.
A monsters' eyes.
Regina had a feeling that he had still been looking at her even when she closed her eyes.
Then there had only been his voice in her ear. Hissing threats. Taunting her.
'Shut up, you bitch! We both know you're enjoying this!'
Regina's stomach rolled as though she was going to be sick.
That night, Killian Jones had been everything Regina feared. That night he had been inhuman.
And Regina was still afraid right now. She could feel her heart thud away in her chest. Too fast. She couldn't stop it. She felt her chin wobbling. She couldn't stop that either. Her throat hurt. Somewhere deep down where her rationality was buried, Regina knew that it was not. Deep down, she knew that the pain was in her head. That it wasn't real.
But her memories were real. All of them. It shouldn't be. But they were. And there was no escaping them as they kept piling and piling in her head. Right now, it felt like she had more memories than one person could contain. That if she made one wrong move, every single memory would come pouring out of her and wash her away completely.
Sometimes it felt like that was all she was.
A walking memory that Killian Jones had created.
His last triumph.
"Come back to me."
Lips pressing gently against her cheek.
"Please?"
Deep down, very deep down, Regina was well aware that Emma was calling out to her.
But she was too far away.
The sea of painful memories stretched too wide.
Regina could not find her way back to Emma and safety.
She didn't know how.
"Regina. Come back. You're right here. We're right here." fingers gently stroking up and down her back. "I'm here. And I'm not going anywhere."
Arms wrapping around her body. A sound penetrated Killian's laughing. The sound of crying. Sobbing. The kind of sobbing you only ever made when you were beside yourself with grief and desperation. The kind of sobbing you only made when crying was the only thing you could do.
The memories that had overtaken Regina's mind and body parted like clouds. But it was not streams of sunlight that penetrated them. It was the knowledge that Emma was right here. That Emma had her arms wrapped around her. That Emma was crying.
Regina found that she finally was able to connect with her body again. She released a breath she didn't even realize she had been holding. She blinked. Became aware of where she was. In the bathroom. Safe. As so many times before, she felt her posture relax. Her tight, cramped muscles eased.
She was here.
She was here.
And so was Emma. She was sobbing into Regina's bathrobe. And the sound broke Regina's heart a little.
She gently ran her fingers through Emma's soft, blonde locks.
Emma looked up. Her eyes were wide and scared, and she seemed years younger than she was. Regina felt awful. She had been so sure she could do this without remembering. But she had failed completely and instead of breaking this to Emma gently, she had shut down completely and most likely scared the living daylights out of Emma.
"Hi," Emma murmured. Her voice was small and scared.
This could not be fixed with a smile and an apologetic grimace. This needed more than just that. And so once again, Regina forced her voice to cooperate. She didn't care how much it hurt. "I-i-i-i-I'm...s-s-s-s-sorry," she managed, stuttering horribly and painfully aware of how many times her voice broke. She instantaneously regretted it. Her croaky crackling of an excuse for a voice was probably the most terrifying thing Emma ever had heard. She sounded like an old witch. Or a monster. Something that shouldn't be let out in daylight.
"You have nothing to apologize for," Emma said immediately. "Nothing. Is it okay if I hug you?"
Yes, that was more than okay. Regina nodded and could feel how Emma was holding her a bit closer. She sounded as though she was trying to choke down her sobs. Then apologizing: "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying all over you. It's completely wrong."
Not really. Regina gently threated her fingers through Emma's blonde locks. Zelena had witnessed her 'shut down' on multiple occasions, and every time Regina 'came back', Zelena's face would be completely pale with fear. Regina had once asked her sister to tell her what happened when she 'shut down', and according to Zelena, Regina got a completely blank look on her face. She would either sit or stand and stare without seeing anything. Her breathing would become fast, and her body would tight.
That sounded absolutely terrifying. Regina definitely did not blame Emma for crying.
And it was all because of this… Regina moved one hand from Emma's hair and brought it up to her throat instead. Her fingers met jagged skin and thick edges. It was jarring. She rubbed it once. Would she ever get used to her neck feeling like that?
A slight movement had her glancing down and she saw that Emma had lifted her head. Her eyes were puffy. But her voice steady as she quietly asked: "does it hurt?"
It took Regina a split second to realize that Emma meant her throat. She shook her head. No, it didn't hurt. At least not in any physical way.
A kiss was pressed to the hinge of her jaw. "Do you want to head downstairs again? I could make us some cocoa?"
The suggestion had Regina nodding. Some cocoa didn't sound too bad.
Emma gently moved her arms from her waist and went towards the door.
Regina knew that she was supposed to follow. But she couldn't. She could only focus on what she was feeling under her fingers. Jagged skin. Rough edges. She didn't have to look in the mirror to know what was on her skin. Red lines. Scars. Puncture marks. It was hideous. She was hideous. She could hide it under scarves and pretend that the marks weren't there. But they were. And they would always serve as a reminder.
Regina's eyes filled with tears and allowed herself to forget about surviving and being grateful to just be here for a moment. For a single moment, she allowed herself to be upset that she was disfigured. That her appearance had been ruined.
"U-u-u-u...ugly," she stuttered, and the horrific, monster-like voice coming out of her mouth only cemented the statement. "I-I-I….. l-l-l-look…. U-u-u-ugly."
Emma's reaction was immediate. She froze on the spot. Then turned around and nearly stumbled as she ran back to Regina. In two, long strides, she was standing in front of Regina again, and Regina blinked slightly as Emma cupped her cheeks and kissed her forehead. "You do not," she whispered, kissing Regina's temple. "Look ugly." She kissed Regina's cheek. "You're beautiful." Now pressing her lips to Regina's other cheek. "Everywhere."
Regina shuddered as Emma kissed her lips.
"All of you is beautiful," Emma murmured against her lips. She pecked them again and again. "You are so, so, so beautiful." Her voice was a bit muddled because she never quite stopped kissing Regina. Not even while talking.
And Regina had no problem understanding what Emma was saying. No problem at all.
"Every." Kiss. "Single." Kiss. "Part." Kiss. "Of." Kiss. "You."
Regina was starting to feel a little dizzy now. The love and affection was so evident in Emma's voice. Every word rang truth. Emma would never lie to her. Not even to make her feel better.
"I love you." Kiss. "I love you so much." Emma gently took her hands and squeezed them slightly. Reassuringly. Then kissed her lips again. With more passion than before.
Regina's mind was clouded again. But this time it wasn't because of the painful memories. It was Emma's kiss. The sensation got under her skin and made her grow hot. Her heart was beating twice as fast, but she was not alarmed by it. Not this time. She felt…
God, she felt so loved!
After a moment, Emma pulled back and gave Regina the opportunity to breathe. Another breath Regina was not aware that she had been holding. But this was okay. This was being breathless for the right reasons.
"You have no idea how proud I am of you," Emma murmured as she looked at her with green eyes that still shone a bit. "You didn't have to show me this, but you did! God, you're amazing!" she leaned in and pecked Regina's lips again.
Regina gently cupped the back of her head, bringing her closer and now truthfully responding to the kiss. She did not feel numb anymore. She felt Emma's love and affection seep right into her bones.
"Beautiful," Emma murmured between kisses. "You are," kiss. "So." kiss.
"Beautiful".
Regina did not stop responding to the kiss until she was well past the point of feeling breathless. She couldn't resist dropping one last kiss on Emma's forehead, though. A silent 'thank you'. She was more thankful than a simple forehead kiss could express, but she didn't know how else to show Emma.
"How about that cocoa?" Emma softly suggested.
Regina nodded. That still sounded good. Very soothing.
"Yeah? Well, how about I head downstairs and make some, and then you can come when you're ready?" Emma said gently.
Regina nodded again. She did need to get dressed.
Emma did not leave just yet. Instead she lifted Regina's hand. Turned it upwards so she could drop a soft kiss in her palm. Then she looked into Regina's eyes.
Regina calmly returned the look. She had a feeling that she knew exactly what Emma was looking for, and she was eager to show her that she was feeling better. That she would not break down the moment the bathroom door was closed.
"Come downstairs when you're ready," Emma said softly. Then she turned around and left the bathroom.
Once the door had been closed, Regina took off her bathrobe and looked at herself in the mirror. Looked at her throat. The scars. The marks. They were not pretty, but they were a part of her. And most important, they were not something she should be ashamed of. Why did she feel like she had to cover the marks when she wasn't responsible for them? Why did it matter so much what everyone else thought when they looked at her? It was none of their fucking business. If they were curious or asked, she didn't owe them an answer.
But she owed it to herself to at least try and accept how she looked. If she kept hiding under the scarves, she would never get better. She couldn't just keep using the scarves as security blankets. It was daunting and scary and everything unpleasant, but it was time to let go of the scarves. It was time to stop hiding.
Regina turned her back on the mirror and put on her grey pajamas. The one with the big collar. She didn't button it all the way up this time. Instead she left it standing open and turned around once more to look at herself in the mirror. Her first thought was that it looked odd with the collar not fully buttoned. But did it also look wrong? That was the question. It didn't feel wrong. Just slightly jarring to be able to see the scars on her neck every time she moved her head.
Regina checked herself. Was she uncomfortable?
No. Not as uncomfortable as she could have been. She was more okay with this than she thought. Honestly, it was nice to be free of that itching, tight collar.
She decided to let it be up to Emma. If she was uncomfortable or upset, Regina would button the collar.
Regina left the bathroom and slowly moved down the hallway. Halfway towards the stairs, she stopped and listened. Was sure that she had just heard sniffling. Was Emma crying?! Oh dear god, no!
Regina took the collar on her pajamas between two fingers and hurried the rest of the way downstairs.
Coming downstairs, she found Emma in the kitchen by the stove. Regina held a little more firmly onto the collar of her pajamas and tilted her head as she looked at Emma.
"You don't have to cover yourself," Emma said quickly. "Not when you're with me."
Emma had spoken. Emma was not uncomfortable. Meaning that neither should Regina be. She released the collar, allowed it to fall open and thereby exposed her neck to Emma for the second time that night. Here she was. With all her bruises and scars. It was jarring, but Regina refused to let her anxiety get the best of her. If she could do this tonight, she could do this any night, right?
A choked sound that couldn't be anything but a sob interrupted Regina's train of thoughts. She looked up and found Emma doing something Regina never wanted to see her do again. Try to compose herself.
Absolutely not. Regina was having none of it. She quickly walked over to Emma and put her hands on her shoulders.
Emma turned around and presented a pale face with red, blotchy cheeks. Her shoulders were shaking. All of her was shaking when she wrapped her arms around Regina's midriff and leaned into her once more.
Regina ran her fingers through Emma's hair again and again. It painted her to see Emma this upset, but at the same time she knew that this was better. Allowing yourself to be upset and acknowledge your feelings was something that Regina had struggled a lot with, and she didn't want Emma to stand there and try to bite her feelings back when all she wanted to do was cry. It was better to just let it all out. She gently scratched her fingers against Emma's scalp. She had a feeling that Emma might just like that.
Emma was still putting on a brave face. She let out a watery chuckle. "I really suck at comforting you." she lifted her head and Regina shook hers firmly. Emma did not suck at comforting her. She was actually one of the best at comforting Regina.
But this wasn't just about Regina. She was not the one who needed consolation right now. Emma was the one who had just witnessed someone 'blanking out', and that was scary. As was the marks on Regina's neck. It was perfectly okay for Emma to be upset about them.
They moved to sit at the kitchen table, and Regina found her little stack of post-its in the breast pocket of her pajama. When she wrote a note to Emma, it was with one hand only. Emma was holding on to the other. Regina didn't mind that at all.
Once done writing the note, she looked at it for a moment. 'I'm sorry that I frightened you in the bathroom. Don't even try and deny it. I know I did. And I'm really sorry about it. I just felt overwhelmed for a moment.' She knew that Emma would claim that an apology wasn't necessary, but Regina felt as though it was. She gave Emma the note.
"Of course you did," Emma said gently. "I completely understand that. I accept your apology. Even though you have nothing to apologize for."
And there it was. Regina frowned softly.
"You don't," Emma said, voice firm now. "That was a pretty big thing you did."
Her gaze flickered ever so slightly to Regina's throat as she spoke. Regina saw her chin wobble slightly and immediately wrote a new message. 'I can keep my throat covered. I understand that it's not very pleasant to look at.' She would not be upset if Emma wanted her to cover up. Of course not. It would be more than understandable.
"I don't care."
The frank statement had Regina raising an eyebrow. That was not exactly what she had expected.
"I mean, of course I care," Emma said hastily and clearly struggling a bit to put her feelings into words. She seemed to look for the words for a moment before continuing: "I care in a way that makes me want to punch something and then cry a little bit. But I don't care whether you're wearing a scarf or not. I love looking at you. All of you. As long as you're comfortable."
Oh. Now Regina was the one who felt emotional. And now she was the one holding those emotions back. Instead she scratched her throat a bit and formed the word: 'Itchy' when Emma was looking at her.
"Yeah," Emma said, and loosened her grip on Regina's hand. When the cocoa on the stove started bubbling, Emma leapt from her chair. It didn't take long before she came back with two mugs of cocoa. She handed Regina one of the mugs and warned: "It's very hot."
Regina nodded to show that she had heard the warning.
"Do you wanna head inside the living room and sit while we drink the cocoa?" Emma suggested, and Regina nodded again. The couch was more comfortable to sit on than the kitchen chairs.
They went into the living room and settled down on the couch. Emma sipped her cocoa, and Regina let her mind wander.
Once again, she thought of that surgery doctor Auburn had offered her. Although Regina remained skeptic about getting her voice back, there were other benefits from getting that surgery. Benefits she hadn't really thought about. Until now.
"What's on your mind?" Emma asked softly. "Anything you wanna share with me?"
Oh, she had noticed that Regina's thoughts had drifted far away. Regina didn't mind sharing her thoughts with Emma. She quickly nodded and sat her mug of cocoa down on the coffee table so she could grab her pencil and post-it note. She began writing again.
'I am thinking about that operation the doctor has encouraged me to get. After they've put in that implant that may or may not give me back the ability to speak, they would try and do something about my scars as well. Make them a little less visible. If they can.'
She would like that a lot. Even if she didn't regain her ability to speak, the scars on her neck could be minimized. She would still get something out of the surgery. She gave Emma the note and reached for her mug of cocoa again.
As usually, Emma was a quick reader. "Have you decided anything?" she asked gently.
Regina took a sip of her cocoa and shook her head. No, she had not. And it was driving her crazy. She had always been a resolute person. Always quick to decide on either this or that. But this was the one time where she for her life couldn't decide what would be the right choice to make. In so many ways, she was comfortable like this. No, she couldn't talk, but she had sort of gotten used to that. She was getting by just fine with her Sign Language and her notes. And if the surgery failed again, she would get so terribly disappointed. Because she knew that she wouldn't be able to approach the surgery in an 'I don't care'-matter. Of course she would get excited and grow hopeful.
Imagine if it didn't work.
She would be right back where she started.
But….
Imagine if it did work. If the surgery was a success and she actually would be able to speak again. And she could be rid of the scars on her neck. That would be wonderful.
God, on some days she wanted to say yes and on some days she wanted to say no and never think about it again. There were so many pros and cons and all of them spoke for both options.
"You've already been through one operation not too long ago," Emma said as she grabbed her own mug of cocoa. "You don't have to get another one so soon. It's not something that has to be done here and now, is it?"
Actually, it had. Time was slowly running out. Regina took a new note and did her best to explain: 'no, but the doctor recommended that I had it done as soon as possible once my throat wasn't sore anymore. It's something to do with my vocal cords. As long as my injury is still relatively "fresh" there's a bigger chance that the surgery would be a success.' The explanation looked a bit messy, but Regina was not a doctor and there were certain medical terms she simply couldn't spell. So rather than trying, she let it stay with this and gave the note to Emma.
Emma was quick to read the messy and slightly long-winded explanation. "I see," she said, nodding slightly. "But the decision is yours, Regina. If you don't want it, then that is how things are going to be."
Oh, if only things could have been that easy. Regina felt the decision rummage around in her mind again as she sat her mug of cocoa down to write yet another note: 'I'm still so torn. Part of me thinks that I'll be cheating myself if I don't get the operation, because suppose it works? Suppose I'll be able to speak again? A part of me wants to just say yes, but then I remember that it's another surgery. It's another long healing process. It's another long time on a liquid diet. I would be in pain again like I was when you first met me. I would have to go to Toronto to get the surgery. I would have to be away from Henry. And you.' Being in the hospital wouldn't do anything good for her dating life. She didn't want to be away from Emma. And she certainly didn't want to once again miss out on being Henry's mother. But if the operation could make her talk again…
God, it was so frustrating!
Regina tried not to sneer as she gave Emma the note. Getting frustrated wasn't gonna help the matter and she knew it.
"I could go with you," Emma offered and looked at Regina with those big green eyes. "I would be happy to do that!"
To Toronto? Emma would go with her to Toronto? One of Regina's eyebrows rose in disbelief, but she couldn't hide her smile. Things would definitely be easier if Emma went with her. If she was there to hold her hand….
"Whatever you decide, I'll support you," Emma said softly.
There was so much truth in her words. So much sincerity. Regina did not doubt that if she was to ask Emma to come to Toronto with her right now, Emma would say yes on the spot. She lifted her hand and gently brushed her fingertips against Emma's soft cheek.
Emma turned her head and sneakily managed to kiss one of Regina's fingertips. "Your decision," she repeated. "Only yours."
Regina nodded. Was sure that the wrinkle of worry was back between her eyebrows. She grabbed the mug of cocoa and comforted herself with a sip of the warm, sweet beverage. Maybe should try the head or tail method. Head, she got the surgery. Tail, she did not get the surgery.
As if. Regina knew that she couldn't use the head or tail method for this. But it surely was tempting. She rubbed her throat again. Felt the spot where the belt buckle had left an imprint on her skin. The mark on her throat had done something to her confidence, that was for sure.
But had the belt buckle not been there….
Regina very nearly shivered.
"Are you sure it doesn't hurt?" Emma's voice was soft and caring as she slid closer to Regina on the couch.
Regina gave three rapid nods.
"Can I ask what's on your mind then?" Emma softly inquired.
Of course she could ask. Emma could ask her anything, but… Regina pursed her lips slightly as she turned her head and looked at Emma. She didn't want to make her cry again. And what she had just thought about, had been particularly heavy.
"You can tell me anything," Emma assured her and smiled that soft, patient smile.
Regina took her word for it. As she always did. Bowing her head over a new post-it, she began writing again. Despite the heavy words she wrote on the note, the pencil did not tremble in her grasp. Once done writing, she looked at the finished result. 'That belt buckle saved my life. Or, more specifically, the placement of it. The doctors told me so when I was in the hospital. The sturdiness of the belt buckle prevented him from fully tightening the belt around my neck. In a way, it kind of "shielded" my windpipes a little bit.' Regina cringed. It looked so frightening on the paper. Exactly as frightening as it had been to slowly realize how close she had come to death that night. If Killian had worn a different belt or just used his hands, Regina wouldn't have been sitting here right now.
She handed the note to Emma along with an apologetic smile.
"It's okay," Emma said as she took the note from her. She bowed her head and began reading, and Regina hoped that it was okay once Emma was done reading too. The last thing she wanted was to make Emma upset again.
But sometimes she just needed to put her darker thoughts into words. And it was difficult to do that with Zelena. She always started blubbering. Of course Regina had her therapist, and they had talked about this many times too. But it was something else to open up to a loved one. It was different to let Emma into her mind.
Emma let go of the note and shuffled closer to Regina. Grasped her hand and brought it up to her lips. Kissed her knuckles. "I love you."
That had Regina smiling. She didn't bother reaching for the notes or freeing her hand to sign. She was certain that Emma knew what her smile meant.
She turned her head slightly and looked at Emma's lips as they kissed her hand. It felt nice. For a moment, Regina allowed herself to wonder what it would feel like to have Emma kissing her neck. God, there had been a time where she would have told Emma to do that as one of the first things. She reached up and traced the red lines on her neck with her free hand. Tried to imagine Emma kissing those lines.
In some way, she could easily imagine Emma to do that.
And in other ways, she couldn't imagine it at all.
In some ways, she really missed having her neck kissed.
And in other ways, she did not miss it at all.
Her neck was still a fuzzy area of her body that sometimes didn't feel like it belonged to her. Exactly like the rest of her body once had.
"What?" Emma gently prompted.
Regina had not noticed that Emma had been studying her, but she didn't mind giving her an answer. She carefully freed her hands and reached for the stack of post-its. Wrote a very simple statement ('I used to love having my neck kissed.'), and handed the note to Emma.
"Maybe we could try that sometimes?" Emma said gently. "One day."
'I'd like that', Regina scribbled underneath. Then she looked up at Emma as an idea brewed in her head.
Emma had made her connect with her body and mind in ways that were extraordinary. She had done more than a lifetime of therapy could do. Her patience and good touches had worked wonders. Perhaps she could work her magic again and make Regina connect with yet another part of her body?
Regina turned the post-it over and wrote down a single question on the blank page. 'Would you touch it if I asked you to?' she pushed the note towards Emma and told herself to be brave again. This was Emma. Emma and her good touches.
"Your neck?" Emma asked and looked up at Regina like she was trying to make sure Regina meant it.
Regina DID mean it. She nodded. And tried to silence the irrational part of her that feared that Emma would recoil in repulsion at the suggestion. Thinking that was just plain stupid. Emma would never do that.
"Of course I would!" Emma said firmly with the same sincerity.
'Now?' Regina wrote on the note, making a snap decision before courage could desert her.
"Are you sure?" Emma asked. Her voice was small now.
Regina nodded. Yes. She was sure. As sure as she could ever be. If there was one person, she would ask to do this, it would be Emma. Of course this was new territory, and Regina was a bit nervous, but she was sure that once she got over her anxiety, it would be okay. After all, this was Emma. Emma who was always so careful with her. Yes. Once the anxiety had blown over, the touch would feel as natural as the other touches.
Emma approached her slowly. Inch by inch, she came closer until their thighs were touching. She turned her upper body slightly and put her hand in Regina's. Not interlacing their fingers, just laying it in hers. The touch was followed by a soft: "Show me how you want me to touch you."
Oh, clever, clever Emma! Regina would never have thought of approaching it this way herself. But of course she could see that this was the only 'safe' way to do this. She smoothened her thumb over Emma's palm in gratitude. Then lifted Emma's hand and slowly brought it up to her neck. She focused on her breathing. Slow, deep breaths. She refused to let this send her back into the sea of memories. She closed her eyes, but that was okay. She still knew that it was Emma. Emma's hand. Emma's scent.
She placed Emma's hand on the side of her neck and inhaled sharply, knowing that Emma could feel the dent in her skin where the red lines was.
But that was okay.
She was okay.
Because she knew that it was Emma's hand on her neck.
She continued to take slow, deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. She did not move her hand away from Emma's.
"Are you alright?" Emma asked quietly.
Regina nodded without opening her eyes. This was definitely uncharted territory, but the touch didn't frighten or made her experience flashbacks.
It was just the two of them.
Her and Emma.
Exploring yet another new thing.
Together.
And it was impossible to be frightened of that.
"Good touches," Emma said softly.
Yes, that was exactly what this was! Just as Regina had hoped. She nodded again. Brushed her thumb over Emma's knuckles. Then opened her eyes and moved Emma's hand away from her neck. But before letting go completely, she dropped a light kiss on Emma's palm.
"Was that okay?" Emma asked.
Regina nodded her yes and elaborated on another post-it: 'surprisingly, yes. I knew it was you. Even with my eyes closed, I knew it was you who was touching me.'
"Good," Emma said and smiled at her. "I'm very happy to hear that."
Regina returned the smile and reached for her mug of cocoa. She drank the rest of her cocoa in one long sip and then pointed lightly to Emma and to the stairs. She was starting to feel a bit tired.
"Yeah, I'm ready to go to bed," Emma said, easily deducing what Regina's pointing meant.
Excellent. Regina smiled again as she rose from the couch and stretched her hand out towards Emma.
Emma was quick to take it and let Regina pull her up from the couch.
Regina gently tugged her towards the stairs. She didn't want to let go of Emma's hand. Instead she gave little squeezes. Just to ensure that Emma was walking with her. She smiled every time she felt Emma squeeze back.
Up the stairs they went. Straight towards Regina's bedroom. Both of them went inside. Regina didn't let go of Emma's hand, and Emma didn't inquire of whether she should sleep in the other room. Regina would have been surprised if she had.
Of course Emma should sleep in the same bed as her. Of course they should go to sleep laying side by side. Cuddled into each other. The joys of co-sleeping was something that Regina nearly had forgotten, but after having spent the night sleeping next to Emma, she easily remembered just how nice it was. It had felt so safe, sleeping so close next to Emma. Listening to the little sounds Emma made in her sleep was something that Regina forever would cherish. She hoped it would continue when they got home. She hoped that there would be overnight stays there too.
They wiggled under the covers. Shifted and shuffled until they were laying only inches from each other. Regina smiled when Emma reached out and cupped her cheek.
"You don't have to wear scarves when you're with me," she said earnestly. "You know, if they itch and stuff..."
Regina suspected that was only half of the reason. She smiled at Emma. So, so happy that yet another step had been taken. Happy that she chosen to trust Emma yet again. She hoped that this would be the end of scarves.
"Can I kiss you?"
Oh yes, more than anything! Regina nodded eagerly and quickly deduced that Emma had no problem with seeing it in the darkened bedroom. Soon, Regina felt a pair of lips against her own. And soon she didn't feel one bit sleepy anymore. She didn't know quite how it happened, but suddenly, she was very much on top of Emma who stiffened in surprise.
So did Regina. What should she do in this situation? Apologize? Smile and mouth 'oops'? Maybe Emma had just wanted a little goodnight peck and not…. This.
Yes, that was probably the reason why she had stiffened. Regina got that. It had been a long day. Many things had happened. It was too late for…. Messing around.
Regina wondered how she could do this with dignity as she shifted in an attempt to relieve Emma of her weight, but she was stopped when Emma placed a hand on her upper back.
"Stay where you are, beautiful. It's good. It's better than good. I really, really like this, okay?" she said. Her voice was warm, but her tone had just a hint of pleading to it. She clearly really, really didn't want Regina to move.
Regina didn't want to move either. She loved this. Nodding, she cupped Emma's cheeks and kissed her again. Felt Emma's blunt fingernails scratch her back. From her nape and all the way down to her lower back. Then up again. Higher, still. To Regina's shoulders.
Regina moaned into Emma's mouth when Emma started kneading her shoulders. She couldn't help it. That felt very, very good. She had no idea how Emma could know that massage turned into a puddle, but she was definitely happy about it.
It did not take long before Regina felt her shoulders soften, but that didn't stop Emma. She merely moved on to Regina's back.
It felt like Emma was kneading the last bit of the anxiety out of her. The tightness was replaced with liquefied muscles and Regina absolutely could not stop kissing Emma. She was well aware that she was shifting on top of her, but Emma didn't seem to mind, so why should Regina? She nibbled lightly at Emma's bottom lip and pushed her fingers into her blonde hair.
That was when Emma dug her fingers a little bit deeper into her flesh. Found a pressure point that had Regina wiggling rather than just shifting. The muscles in her neck and upper back had softened, but she was starting to feel a different kind of tightness between her legs. She doubted she would be able to ignore it in the long run, but right now, she tried her best as she gently sucked on the tip of Emma's tongue. Emma's fingers were in her hair now. Combing through it. Scratching her scalp.
Had she really been sleepy a moment ago? Truly? Regina had absolutely no recollection of that. All she knew was that she wanted to kiss Emma. And keep kissing her. Preferably for the rest of the night. She shifted slightly on top of Emma. Was able to find a position that actually gave her the littlest bit of friction. Oh, god, that felt absolutely fantastic!
Emma cupped her cheeks and moaned into her mouth again, and that was when the tightness evolved and blossomed into a dull throbbing between her thighs.
What would happen if she asked Emma to wrap her legs around her waist and give her more friction?
What would happen if she simply grabbed Emma's hand and brought it in between-
No.
Regina broke the kiss and rolled off of Emma. Lay flat on her back under the covers and panted slightly. Of course not. Not tonight. Not yet. She still was not ready to cross that bridge. The very faint but nonetheless distinctive whisper of fear in the back of her mind told her that.
Damnit.
"What's wrong? Are you okay?" Emma asked. Sweet and gallant as always albeit a little breathless.
Regina nodded glumly. She was fine. Just dreadfully frustrated. Her body did as it pleased, and she was slightly startled when she realized that she was in fact squeezing her legs together under the covers. God, the friction felt good!
But she would have to stop it. Emma was here. She couldn't just…
She would have to go to the bathroom and get herself sorted out.
She should definitely have gone with a goodnight peck rather than a full on make-out session. Had she done that, she wouldn't be frustrated right now.
Regina tried her best to silently will herself to get up and go into the bathroom to take care of things.
But before she had as much as even lifted her head, she felt Emma's fingers intertwining with hers. Then Emma's voice in her ear. Low and raspy as she said: "let me help you, lovely."
To Be Continued….