18th December, 1924

Dear Alfie,

Please accept my sincerest apologies for not writing sooner. You write to me so often and I should reply to each letter but I haven't. I'm a terrible friend.

The truth is, Alfie, I'm not myself. I thought I could ignore what happened and it would eventually fade but it doesn't. It gets worse. The only thing that helps is the medicine. Because when I sleep, I don't remember. In fact, I don't even dream. I used to get so many nightmares, even before what happened, but the tablets have stopped them completely. How can I stop taking them now?

But even though I sleep for hours every night, I'm always tired. I wake up tired and spend the day tired and go to bed tired. John says he doesn't recognise me anymore. He keeps asking me to go and live with them, but I can't. It would be too much with all the children and him and Esme either shouting at each other or being passionately in love with each other. And, I know Tommy wouldn't like it.

Tommy. I love him. But I hate him. Not because of what happened. Because of what's happening now. Why won't he spend time with me? I know he feels guilty but I need him. He's out all the time and when I do see him, it's like he doesn't know what to say. It's like when Grace died all over again. I'm so angry with him. It's not fair. He knows how hard it is for me when he leaves like this. He said he was back for good but he's not. I don't care anymore. I don't want to see him anyway.

I went to see Aunt Pol last week. I thought I might be able to move in with her but she's in a bad way, Alfie. She can see spirits and ghosts. She talks to them in the room but I couldn't see anyone there. She has second sight, you know. It's a Gypsy thing. She can see beyond the things of this world. I didn't like it so I didn't ask if I could stay. I can't stay with Arthur either because Linda wouldn't let me. So, it's this big empty house or nowhere for me. Unless … I don't suppose I could come and stay with you, Alfie, could I? It wouldn't be for long. And you could ask Tommy – he may not mind. He knows he can trust you with me. What do you think?

There is one good thing that's happened. I finally went out on Nua. My friend Malachy, he's Johnny Dogs' son, he came to the house to see me. He lives in a Gypsy camp on Tommy's land and he wanted to see if I was ok because he hadn't seen me for so long. Anyway, he said he'd come with me to the stables and he'd ride with me. Oh Alfie, it was wonderful to be back out with her again. And you were right, she had waited patiently for me. I took one of your apples out for her. She loved it! Now, I go out with Mal most days and I spend a lot of time at the camp. It feels safe there. So, I'm not completely alone. You don't need to worry about me. And Fred is always with me.

Will you write soon, dear Alfie, and let me know if I can come and stay with you? I feel I shall go mad in this house if I stay any longer.

I am, as always, your loving friend,

Rose