Chapter 21: When your mind's made up
Aizawa
"I didn't tell him anything about Sunday. He showed up at my apartment the next morning and caught me coming home. Persistent, remember? Of course there was nothing to "catch." He asked me where I had been and I didn't say anything,"
She looked slightly irritated but seemed to be relieved by his answer. "Wish you had not been so flippant about it over dinner. Pretty sure Yamada knows there's something going on between us."
Aizawa was so tempted to ask "Is there?" but he chickened out. He tried his hardest to read Ren. Was this a mistake, showing up? The moment Yamada knocked on his door he had already decided he was going to do it, show up at Ren's, if the evening ran long and she left with Yamada to catch the bus. But what did she want? He didn't really spend a lot of time thinking about that and now he felt foolish. Stupid man not thinking rationally. For someone as anti-social and introverted as he was he felt he had a knack for reading people. Hero work taught you those lessons if you were skilled at it. You had to be able to read your fellow heroes, read villains, and even civilians to do the job to the best of your abilities. And he thought he had read Ren correctly that afternoon, that she wanted to extend the time they were spending together. He would have to keep reading her now to see.
"How did you get here?" Ren asked, still standing in the doorway.
Kimura
"Binding cloths. I should have called first, but realized I didn't have your number. So I thought I would surprise you. Surprise." He sad everything in a monotone that made the "surprise" come out sarcastic and comical. Ren looked at him skeptically. "If I overstepped, I can leave…" Aizawa said low and steadily.
"No, you can stay. Please," Ren replied quickly and then internally cursed herself by how overeager she probably sounded. She definitely didn't want him to leave. Ren sat next to him on the couch. She fidgeted with the cuff of her pajama top sleeve. "Listen, I haven't really processed everything that happened earlier. I don't know why I did what I did today in your living room."
"What? Declaring 'thumb-war?'" Aizawa asked in a teasing tone.
Ren couldn't help laugh a little despite herself. He seemed to be playing this cavalier. But he came all the way to her house. And for someone like Aizawa to do that, well, it had to be pretty important to him. Fine. Maybe she should just be blatantly honest. But that was hard since she wasn't even really sure what she was doing, why she was doing it, and how she wanted to proceed. All she knew was she wanted him to stay. And what had happened earlier that day was so exhilarating. She would wing this and let the chips fall where they may. She started to unbutton her blouse. Aizawa's expression changed from indifferent to alarmed. Haha, cavalier my foot she thought.
"Kimura, wait!" Aizawa stated, his voice no longer its usual monotone.
"I have a camisole underneath, I'm not disrobing." She felt somehow empowered, his expression looked a little terrified and that fed her self-assuredness. "I want to see if we can assume position one again." That seemed a completely rational thing to do right? She thought. At almost 10 PM in her house with a male co-worker. Stop Ren, you're coming at this from a professorial point of view. The science of quirks. Her mind wandered to Aizawa. His hands, his face, his lips… Stop! She internally cringed at her inner thoughts but continued.
Aizawa
Aizawa swallowed hard. You came all this way and are now freaking out about this? He pushed all the lascivious thoughts that suddenly ran through his head away. He was very curious about the current status of position one. Ren was as well from her current actions, although there was something else there, too, but he could dwell on that later. This was a logical action, he told himself. As she finished unbuttoning her top and placing it on the couch, he gently and carefully moved Mr. Socks to an adjacent chair and situated him comfortably on top of a throw pillow there.
"So this was what I was thinking..." He walked over and stood a few feet in front of Ren. He rolled up his sleeves. He had been thinking about this on his way over. "I hypothesize that position one worked earlier because you weren't expecting me to touch you when I pulled you away from the knife in the kitchen. I also think that's what happened at Cliffside."
Ren looked at him and slowly nodded. "Well that makes sense," she thoughtfully replied. "Although my power is active when I am sleeping so….. And there have been times I have bumped into people, especially living in the same household with those people, my family growing up, and then…. anyway. Even taking me by surprise they would still feel Pain. I don't remember ever having skin to skin contact that was like ours. It's going to be really hard to recreate that scenario."
"Exactly. So let's try how we have been doing it at the school as a baseline."
Ren frowned. "Meaning you will feel the full brunt of my quirk. I really don't like the sound of that."
"Instead of going in the usual order of activating Erasure, us touching skin to skin, and dropping Erasure, I am going to just take Erasure out of play. Maybe that somehow was making it more intense." Aizawa looked around them. He thought it was probably best to clear the furniture for their safety. He moved her couch back towards a wall. Ren must have picked up on his thinking because she immediately moved the coffee table and the end table against the wall as well.
"I'll be back," Ren said as she left the living room. She returned less than a minute later with many pillows and a couple of thick blankets. She placed the pillows and blankets over the empty space they had created in the center of the living room.
"Thanks," Aizawa said. Ren nodded. "Okay, so let's go with right arms since that seemed to work well earlier." They both stood facing each other a few feet apart. Ren's eyes were alert and her posture a bit tense.
"Deep breath. Relax," Aizawa said slowly.
Ren rolled her shoulders back a few times and took a large breath.
Aizawa walked close to her so they were about a foot and a half apart. "Just stand there with your arms relaxed to your side. I'm going to just lightly touch the outside of your upper arm with my finger pad. Very little pressure." He reached his right hand out near her arm, his hand hovering to the side a couple of inches away. He hovered there for about 10 seconds, then drew his forefinger towards Ren's arm. As the pad of his finger made contact with her skin, he felt a jolt of pain rush through his body. He instinctively stepped back, tripping over his feet and falling backwards. He landed in a haphazard seated position on the pillows. He heard Ren make an anguished noise. Aizawa was still feeling aftershocks of the pain, he broke out in a sweat. He closed his eyes and leaned back, laying flat on the floor. He waited for the waves of pain to stop. They were starting to lessen now as nausea swept over him.
Kimura
Ren grabbed her pajama top and put it on, leaving it unbuttoned. She sat next to Aizawa on the floor. His eyes were closed and his visible skin was covered with a sheen of sweat. He was more pale than usual, his skin almost looking translucent. He was exhausted. He reached above his head, grabbed a stray pillow, and placed it under his head keeping his eyes shut the whole time. He rested his hands palms down on his chest. Ren watched the rise and fall of his chest become slower and slower. She laid back and scootched closer to him to where she was lying right next to him. "You okay, Aizawa?"
"Yeah. Pain is subsiding. Not as intense as the attempts back at the school. But it lingers much longer. And I'm just really tired all of a sudden. Think I hit my limit," Aizawa said in a low, barely audible tone.
"It's been a long day," Ren agreed.
"Just going to rest my eyes for a bit," Aizawa said groggily.
She suddenly felt very tired, too. The boost of energy that coursed through her with the prospect of more "experimenting" seemed to have been depleted. She would rest a bit, too, and then they could resume. She fished her phone out of the loose pocket of her pajama bottoms and used it to turn off the lights in the living room. She closed her eyes.
"No, stop!" Ren couldn't stop laughing. Goro was straddling her, had both her hands pinned over her head with his left hand, and was tickling her right side with his right hand. Her right side under the rib cage. Her biggest weakness, the most ticklish place on her body. Somehow in the midst of her hysteria she finally bucked up making a bridge with her lower body to dislodge him from his position over her. Now she was able to squeeze one of her hands out of his grip. It was over now! Goro was ticklish everywhere so it would be easy to incapacitate him. She jabbed her hand into his underarm and even through the layers of his clothing and her gloved hand he let out a hearty laugh. After about two seconds he disappeared into thin air. "No fair! No quirks!" He reappeared behind her and they both became a blur of flailing arms and legs. It was amazing the bed had not broken with their horseplay. Finally exhausted they both laid next to each other.
Goro sighed.
"I really don't want to go on this trip." He rolled on his side facing Ren. She rolled towards him, her face a few inches from his.
"Only for a few days right?" Ren asked.
"Yes, 3 days tops. All Might promised."
"Better not be longer. Our 7 year anniversary is in 5 days."
Goro grinned. "Well I wouldn't dare miss that. I have about an hour before the cab gets here." He pulled her closer. She ran her gloved hand down his cheek.
It was the last day they spent together.
Ren opened her eyes gasping. Her reoccurring dream she had from time to time. It was a knife in the stomach each time it happened. She blinked looking out into the darkness. She was completely disoriented. No sense of where she was because everything felt so unfamiliar. She felt dizzy to the point of sickness, like she had been spinning wildly on a merry go round and then some force suddenly stopped it completely. She dared not move. She closed her eyes tightly. As her stomach settled (had it been a few seconds or a few minutes? she was still in that limbo between dream and consciousness) her senses started to stir. She was lying on her side, but not in her bed. She felt an arm draped over her waist and the warmth of a body nestled behind her. Was she still asleep? Dreaming of Goro? That made sense. But she thought she was awake. Maybe all of it was just a bad dream. The last 5 years were just one extended nightmare, and now she was emerging from that and her and Goro would be together. Until they were both old and gray.
"Kimura?" This voice was gruff and spoke barely above a whisper. It wasn't Goro's. Goro's voice was melodious, a golden tone, you could not help to smile when you heard it. And this imposter's voice said "Kimura." Not "Ren." She sat up suddenly choking on sobs. She couldn't breathe. The sudden realization, that all her hopes and dreams were dashed, drowned her. She continued to gasp until she was finally able to control herself enough to take in bigger breaths. Then the gasping was replaced by keening sobs. She sat there mourning for some time. Without any restraint, without any care to rise up above the bitter sadness. She felt a softly placed hand on her shoulder. As she exhausted her tears, she started to feel a numbness replace the desolation. She sniffled running her hands over her damp face. The hand on her shoulder was no longer there. Instead now she was being lifted off the living room floor, carried to her bedroom, and gently placed on her bed. The familiar feel and smell of her bed gave her comfort. She curled up in a ball and seconds later she slipped into what she hoped would be a dreamless sleep.
Aizawa
He covered Ren with a thick blanket and tucked her in. He stood in the doorway of her bedroom until the sniffles subsided and he heard even and slow breathing that signaled she was asleep. His heart broke for Ren. Her anguish earlier made him think back to his second year at UA. He understood those sobs and had no doubt why she had been driven to that state. She had been calling his name in her sleep before she woke. "Goro?" It was said like she was searching for him, not lamenting. Aizawa felt that way for several months every time he woke up after Oboro's death. Every morning for a fleeting second he would think of Oboro and the prospect of seeing his friend that day. Only to be reminded once fully awake that his dear friend was dead and gone. He at times dreamt of him as well and those mornings were especially brutal. His aunt would hear him sometimes crying. She'd knock on his door and ask if he was okay. He would say yes and quickly compose himself. Push those feelings deep inside and try to forget them. She would ask if he wanted to talk about it later over breakfast and he would always say no. Oboro Shirakumo. They had become friends during their first year at UA along with Yamada. As close as him and Yamada were, Aizawa and Oboro had an even closer bond. Oboro was the type of person who lifted others up. Made them feel like they could accomplish anything. Even negative, pessimistic Aizawa. These rare gems were few and far between in the world.
One of his first years the previous school year was one of those amazing, uplifting people. Mirio Togata. He was a second year now and Aizawa knew not only would he accomplish amazing things due to the hard work he put in, but so would those around him because of his effect on others. He couldn't help but draw similarities between Togata and his best friend Tamaki Amajiki and his own friendship with Oboro. Although Amajiki wasn't surly and ill-humored like Aizawa, he had a lot of self-doubt. He was painfully shy and at times seemed unfocused and unsure what he wanted in life, unsure of the type of hero he wanted to be. Aizawa had recently reached out to a pro hero he had worked with off and on during his solo hero days, Taishiro Toyomitsu, better known by his hero name Fat Gum. He told Toyomitsu to keep his eye out for Amajiki, he would be an excellent hero someday. Fat Gum had his own hero agency in Esuha City. He was a very optimistic guy, inspired others to do their best, and was a natural leader. He was a pro hero who was about the work, helping others and worked closely with local police. He didn't care about popularity, having a large following of fans, or gave in to the usual vanity points other pros with high rankings fell for. Although due to his good-naturedness and extroverted personality he had quite a following of fans and admirers. He was looking for interns and work study candidates. Amajiki would do well at Fat Gum's Agency. Hopefully after the sports festival Fat Gum would reach out to the boy.
Aizawa glanced at the digital clock on Ren's nightstand. It was 3 am. He was tired, but knew it would be useless to try and sleep now. His emotions had been stirred up by Ren's mournfulness. His dominant, logical side tried to wrestle those feelings down, but they would not be successful tonight. He was moved by her pain, he wanted to take it away from her. He knew how it felt. But he felt ill-equipped to know how to help her. Even though he could read and understand people for the most part, interacting with others was always hit or miss. Aizawa tended to be too direct and to not sugar coat. It was how he liked to deal with things, logically. So now trying to help someone deal with grief, something he himself still struggled with, he was out of his element. He pushed his own grief deep down inside instead of dealing with it because he didn't know how. Logically he understood this flaw about himself. This was also why he had never had serious relationships last long. At some point, emotions become complicated and as a couple you should help each other deal with them. How could he help when he didn't know what to do himself? The fact he wanted to help Ren instead of flee in this situation made him realize he had become more soft-hearted over the years. He had his students to blame. Every year he seemed to get more invested in them. Wanting them to learn, improve themselves, work towards their goals. He thought about them constantly and worried about them. This thought process was quite different than how he dealt with his hero work years prior. It was paramount to distance yourself from your work emotionally. If you didn't the bleakness from the violence of the world would overtake you. He expertly did this, became emotionally detached, and it had started to spill into all the areas of his life. Never one to rely too much on human companionship, he had pulled away even more from his small support group of friends. Kayama, of all people, pulled him back from that dark place. She had actually put in papers for him to teach at UA without his permission. They had stayed friends since their UA years, close enough to check on each other a few times a week. Well Kayama kept in touch more than he did. Half the time he didn't answer or return her calls. She had worried he was getting in too deep with his underground hero work. He had pushed her away and Yamada, his only real friends at the time. The next year, he started at UA and he had liked the change. Kayama on his first day said, "Welcome back to humanity." He couldn't remember what rude retort he had given her at the time, but after a few months, he felt that connection to humanity start to rebuild. Kayama had been right.
He wanted to stay but at the same time had the sense that Ren was pretty private when it came to her deceased husband and the feelings that evoked. She seemed to be an open book in every other aspect. She was at ease talking to most people and didn't mind stating her opinions or emotions about various things. But she never talked about Timeswapper. And no one at UA was brazen, heartless, or clueless enough to bring him up. "Yay for academia," Aizawa thought. They weren't a bunch of morons. He found a notepad in the kitchen and scrawled a note. It was Wednesday morning and he had class in a few hours. He decided to walk on towards the school about a mile away. He would write up a report for Watabe and Shuzenji on the previous day's findings. He would omit some of the more "intimate" details, but would report the new information they had discovered. He started to feel the knot in his chest loosen. Get Busy. Keep busy and you don't have to think about the hard things. You don't have to feel. Didn't take him long to step back into his old habits. There was a reason Eraserhead was constantly busy and always had so much on his plate.
Kimura
Her alarm clock blared. She normally woke up before it went off, but she had slept very hard. Morning sunlight illuminated her bedroom. She quickly pieced together the last several hours. She jumped out of her bed and went into the living room. All the furniture had been moved back to its original positions. Blankets folded and placed neatly on her couch along with pillows. Mr. Socks lay curled up next to a pillow. She recognized it as the one Aizawa had placed under his head after his shock of pain. Traitor Ren thought. She hoped maybe he was in the kitchen or bathroom but when she looked at her coat rack she noticed his binding cloth was no longer hanging there. He had left. Ren felt an emptiness she thought she had no right to feel. She had fallen asleep and he did the gentlemanly thing and went home. She remembered having a terrible nightmare early in the night. The usual one about Goro. They were more like night terrors than nightmares. This one was particularly bad for some reason she remembered. She swallowed hard as bile started to rise in her throat. She shook her head trying to will herself to get along with her morning routine and not give into the sadness. She had no time to get down emotionally or physically sick. Ren walked into the kitchen to get a glass of water and calm herself. She would have to leave for work soon. Her bike ride took about 10 minutes. She noticed a note on the counter after her drink of water. She snatched it eagerly off the counter and read it. She felt a wave of happiness with the sensation of seeing Aizawa's scrawl and it being familiar to her now.
"I carried you to bed last night. Hope I didn't overstep. I should not have come over, I spoiled a pretty good day for us both.
A"
He had written his cell number after A. He had stayed part of the night. Which meant he was possibly there during her nightmare/night terror, maybe that was what he meant about spoiling the day. She couldn't remember details about the night, just the overwhelming feeling of grief that on those nights would not let her escape. "Crap." She was running out of time. She quickly dressed, packed a simple lunch, and made her way to UA.
She barely got to class on time. Algebra 2 for the second year general studies majors and support class. She enjoyed the students in this class; they were eager to learn especially the support students. Her hero students were by far the hardest ones to keep engaged. After a few hours it was her lunch hour which was followed by her planning period. Aizawa would meet her at her class on the days they had the Pain/Erasure testing. But that wasn't to resume for a week unless Shuzenji changed her mind. Which had a big fat zero chance of happening. She had mixed feelings about seeing Aizawa. If he was cavalier and aloof she realized she would be disappointed. But if he wanted to continue whatever strange thing was happening between them, she had no idea how to proceed with that and if she even wanted to. She couldn't escape the idea that developing feelings beyond friendship for someone was wrong. Because then it would be confirmed she had moved on from Goro. She decided to hide in her classroom. She would eat her lunch there and work on her lesson plans. Grade papers. This would give her more time to think.
"Hey." She glanced at the doorway leading into her classroom and saw Aizawa standing there.
"Hey there," she replied. So much for hiding.
"Okay if I come in for a moment?"
Ren nodded.
Aizawa walked to her desk a thick report in his hand. He handed it to Ren.
"That's an updated status on the study. It has Recovery Girl's notes of treatment for the medical incidents that occurred along with a report I wrote this morning about yesterday's findings."
Ren winced.
"I left things out, don't worry. It's all very… clinical. You'll also find some additional protocols in place that Watabe added along with a new timeline. We can start back up next Wednesday. I won't be using Erasure now, only when absolutely necessary. Anyway, when you have a chance you can read it and see if there is anything you object to and if you have anything to add. Yamada has actually been added to the study to aid us. He's going to be providing sensory deprivation with his quirk. Should be interesting. And very loud."
"Wow, you were really busy this morning. You guys got a lot done."
"I just headed up here from, well you know, instead of going back to my apartment. So I had the time. Recovery Girl and Watabe always get here pretty early as well."
They both stared at each other in silence. After several seconds, Ren spoke first.
"Is there anything else?" Ren asked, hopeful. So a week until they had any substantial time together. Well besides the Friday faculty meeting, but that hardly counted. Ren was both relieved and disappointed.
Aizawa shook his head.
"See you around," he replied and started to walk out of the room, both hands in his pant pockets. His whole countenance, tone of voice, even the way he looked at her seemed aloof. Which was typical Aizawa anyhow so why was she surprised. But it stung. It was as if the intimate moments of the previous day never happened. Or last Saturday. Well, she didn't have to make any decisions now, he had chosen for them both. A foot before the doorway he stopped and slowly turned to face her.
"Actually, there is something else," Aizawa said plainly.
Aizawa
You almost made it out, you idiot. After he had arrived at the school that morning, he had felt normalcy return. He wrote the report, discussed it with Shuzenji and Watabe, made it to his daily morning meeting with Nezu, then got to class early for a chance to work on his lesson plans. He was behind on his lessons due to the added distractions the last week. After school he would have a meeting with the Sports Festival Committee so he needed to go over those notes at some point today. He needed to also go over things with Yamada about the study. He had proposed the idea in passing between his second and third hour and Yamada was enthusiastically on board. This was Aizawa's life. Constantly moving along to the next thing on his checklist. If he stayed on task he could even get a nap in after lunch. His lack of sleep the night before was finally catching up with him. That was how it had been as long as he could remember. Work, nap, work, nap, train, work, train, nap, dinner, work, then sleep. He had decided to keep things with Ren completely work related. The best thing for both of them in the long run. Ren had so much going for her. She would find someone when she was ready to move on. It wasn't going to be him. He would only end up disappointing her down the line anyway. Don't be swayed by your emotions. If you're not prepared for the responsibility, don't get involved with something in the first place. This was how he lived his life. Keep things nice and rational. That was the plan until she asked, "Is there anything else?" He heard something in her voice. She wasn't just asking about work. There was hope in that question and it had fully infected him before he reached the door.
"Yes?" Ren looked at him now, waiting patiently.
He had no idea how to do this, but he was going to try his best anyhow.
"Saturday after classes…. Do you have any plans?" Aizawa asked nonchalantly.
Ren stumbled on her words at first "Um, na, um, No. I'll just be grading the assessments I'll be giving over the next 3 days and coming up with individual plans for the students who are falling behind."
"That will definitely take over your Saturday night. I think the hero class teachers have it a lot easier than the core curriculum teachers. Come over to my place, then. You can catch up on work and I'll make dinner."
"Dinner? Sure that sounds great. You owe me one right? After last Saturday night?" Ren smiled.
There it was, the smile he had hoped to see. After last night he was worried about how she might be feeling.
"Yes. But I also just want to see you to be honest." Saying that was probably too much he thought but he didn't care anymore.
Ren nodded. "You want to join me for lunch?" Ren asked.
"I would, but I never pack one, I just pick something up at Lunch Rush. I'll pack one tomorrow." Aizawa replied.
Ren grinned.