A nice long chapter to apologize for taking up my other fic even though I haven't finished this one. I can't get it out of my head so I will have to share my time.

Thank you much to Miss Amyress!

And I hope to hear from my white-glove committee, as well as my critics! Please review!

Sitting on my bed, legs crossed and arms resting on my knees, I finished off my unknown # glass of bourbon as I stared out the window into the vastness of space. All of the stars were so brilliant, so beautiful, that it was difficult to tear my eyes away, and the fact that there were planets around almost all of those stars had me in awe. I guess it will always amaze me how huge humanity's reality has become, and how small I actually am.

That all too familiar knot returned to my gut, the one that would sometimes engulf me and make me do foolish things. Fear, helplessness, frustration with not being in control of my own life, it all bubbled up to the surface until it materialized once again in tears. Thank God Kasumi isn't here, I thought as I wiped them away with the same sleeve as last time, I'm a hot mess.

After spending a few hours with Dr. Chakwas, grilling her on her findings, I'd headed over to Samara's quarters to see what information she could add. She didn't have anything concrete but she promised to send out some queries and let me know what she found. I'd nodded my thanks and headed to my room...

And started drinking.

The good doctor had done several different scans on my brain, including some similar to PET, MRI and CT scans except the tests she conducted were very much more advanced. So much so that not only was she looking at the different patterns the neurons were firing in but she could narrow down the waves for thought processes, personality traits, even tell if I planned to lie to her. It was fascinating and terrifying at the same time. Terrifying in that she could tell my 'waves' were not my own.

Not having a lot of information on Ardat Yakshi and what their defect was comprised of, she couldn't tell exactly how I had been affected or what was going on with me. What she could tell me, however, was that parts of my brain were inexplicably different from scans before my encounter, in ways that should not be possible. And then, on a hunch, she compared them to Kalya Martin's. They matched.

I, of course, went immediately to the worst-case scenario and abruptly left the med-bay. After that I went to speak to Samara and, when I got nowhere, I locked myself in my room to try to process everything.

How does one process the possibility of the person whose body they took over taking it back, sending you into oblivion? They get very drunk and then they cry. So that's what I did until Kasumi walked in and caught me.

"Oh no," she whined, rushing over to my bedside and plopping down next to me. "Sammy, what's wrong? What happened?" Wrapping her arms around me, she snuggled her nose into my hair. "Talk to me. What can I do?" I just cried harder.

"OK," she sighed, holding me tighter, "I've got you." Reaching behind us, she piled up the pillows so we could rest against them. Pulling me back she smoothed my frizzed hair and sighed. "I've got you."

We stayed there for a while, her wiping my hair from my face and occasionally my tears, until the sobs waned and I was able to breathe normally. I was on the verge of falling asleep when she nudged me.

"Better?" she asked, looking down at me as I rested my head on her shoulder. I looked up and nodded, wiping my nose on my sleeve and making her giggle. "OK, little one, let me get you a tissue."

Kasumi got up, grabbed the tissue box and returned to my side. After I blew my nose a few times I felt a little better, so she sat opposite me as I proceeded to tell her what had transpired in the last 8 hours leading up to my bourbon-infested breakdown.

She pressed her finger tip to her chin thoughtfully, "So Doc says parts of your brain look similar to Kayla's?"

I nodded, "Yep. So of course my mind goes to the darkest scenario…" I shook my head, looking toward the window. "It would figure." I felt her hand on mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. I swallowed in anticipation for what I was about to admit, something I hadn't uttered out loud to anyone.

But the person I was speaking to wasn't just anyone, it was Kasumi.

She and I had bonded from the start. Her sense of humor and ability to compromise, plus the fact that we both loved bourbon, made us the most likely pair of smart-asses in the galaxy. We made whatever situation we were stuck in as fun as possible, even if it made John groan more than once. At least we entertained Garrus.

Once I'd gotten clearance to talk about myself to those I 'trusted implicitly' from my handler, I mulled it over for a few days before I made a very short list. When I thought about who I would talk to about this very sensitive, very messy situation, she was at the top of that list. I had no doubt that, even if she couldn't relate, she wouldn't judge either.

"When my husband died, " I began, taking a breath, "my whole world shattered. He was everything to me, my strength, my normalcy, my heart... With him gone I didn't feel anything anymore, nor did I much care what happened next, ya know?" I looked back at her, seeing the understanding in her eyes.

Sadly, she smiled and nodded, "I know exactly what you mean."

I felt a tug on my heart for her, wondering what she meant, but filed it away for later, "When the agency finally let me go back to work, I took the more dangerous jobs, the ones that sent agents to their graves. But I kept coming back.

"After my third 'trip' a higher up called me into her office. When I walked in she motioned for me to shut the door and made me sign a waiver before she would discuss anything with me.

"Project Lazarus," I said, using my hands to make quotes in the air. "A black op to attempt to prove the theory of reincarnation. Sounds totally sci-fi and extremely deadly, right?" Kasumi nodded profusely, obviously hanging on my every word. I shook my head, "Nope. None of the above, and I am proof." I raised my arms, taking a bow then sighing. "Again, didn't get what I wanted.

"But Kass," I took her hands in mine, looking her dead in the eye, "I got so much more.

"I got the will to live back, I got friends, friends that I trust, I never thought I'd have that. I even fell for a man…" As my mouth clamped shut I cursed the bottle next to my bed.

Kasumi's face lit up as she took her hands back and pointed at me, "I knew it," she deadpanned.

Not willing to give in to the idea just yet, I gave her a playful sneer, "Nuh uh."

She smiled wide and nodded her head, "Uh huh! And you two are so cute! How can you keep your hands off of that man?" She shook her head and crossed her arms, "No way I could. We'd be horizontal more than vertical."

I slapped her arm playfully as I laughed, "Kasumi! Behave yourself!"

She slapped me back, "Seriously, how have I not seen you guys making out in the hall? You're both so… virile." She wagged her eyebrows at me with a merciless grin.

I sighed, realizing it was time to level with her and myself, "I haven't told him." When her mouth began to open in protest I put up a hand to silence her so I could continue. "I haven't told him because I was afraid. Afraid it wouldn't work, afraid it would, afraid he didn't feel the same, afraid he'd find out things about me and bolt…" I shook my head, looking down in my lap then back up at her. "Flat out I was just afraid.

"And now…" I felt the tears threaten to make another appearance but I willed them back. "Now it's too late."

"What?!" She spat, obviously frustrated with me. "What are you talking about?"

I laid a hand on her arm and squeezed, "Were you listening to what I told you about my mind?" I let that sink in for a few seconds then continued, "Pretty soon I won't be myself anymore. Pretty soon Kayla will have her body back and I'll be dust in the wind.

"How can I, in good conscience, pursue anything knowing that someday these eyes will open and not recognize him?" An uninvited tear rolled over my lid and down my cheek. I swatted it away, looking back down at my lap. "No, I will keep him at arm's length until this is resolved, one way or another. I can't do it, I can't drag him down this road."

Kasumi nodded, "Look, I get it. I won't push, but there is one thing you haven't mentioned." When I looked up at her, her smile was warm but her eyes were sad. "Nothing is set in stone, Doc doesn't even know what will happen so, like you said, you are 'going to the darkest scenario." She got up and, bringing the blanket up over my shoulders, she tucked me in. "But you should get some sleep, want me to put some music on?" I nodded gratefully and she put on some ocean meditation sounds, readying herself for bed as well.

I wasn't trying to make her feel better when I said I'd gotten so much more ending up on that space station. Aware I was extremely lucky to have found these people, I was grateful for every moment. I was 43 when I volunteered for Lazarus, and when I woke up I was in the body of a 32 year old woman. That alone was a pretty good deal, but waking up to those amazing blue eyes was more than I could ever have hoped for.

I fell asleep thinking about those eyes, and how much the man behind them meant to me.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"She's still sleeping," I heard Kasumi say as I slowly regained consciousness. Who is she talking to?

"How did she sleep, do you know?" John's low rumble of a whisper came across the room. I grumbled and slowly sat up, running my fingers through my hair.

Looking at me in almost a motherly way, Kasumi sighed, "She was tossing and turning all night."

I stuck my tongue out at her, "Tattle tale." I looked over at John.

He was smirking at me in amusement but his eyes were… warm, "Like I wouldn't be able to tell." Damn, that voice will be the death of me.

I cleared my throat, "Yeah, anywho, so what's up?" Feeling my tummy rumble and not being entirely awake, I felt under the covers to be sure I still had leggings on and threw the blankets off. "I need coffee, can we walk?" John gestured to the door so I slipped on some shoes and we went out into the common area.

Before the door closed I heard Kasumi sigh and whisper something that I was sure was inappropriate. Rolling my eyes, I made a b-line for the coffeemaker to get a fresh cup of wake-the-hell-up and grabbed a protein bar on my way to the table. As I plopped unceremoniously into a chair John pulled out one next to me and sat.

He let me take a bite of the bar and a sip of coffee before he started, "Do you want to talk about what Dr. Chakwas had to say?" His voice was low, his tone careful. God, why does he have to be so… amazing? Trying to shrug off the warm feeling in my chest, I took a long sip of coffee to avoid speaking but somehow I knew he wasn't going to let it go.

I could see out of the corner of my eye he was looking at me expectantly but I didn't have the balls to meet his eyes, "Not really, but you probably want to know." I took another bite and sighed. Shit, these bars suck. John stood, pushing the chair back as he did so. My eyes flew to him, unsure as to why he was leaving and afraid he was angry at me for not talking.

He dropped a hand on my shoulder, steadying me with an uncomfortable smile, "Sorry, I'll let you eat. I'll be in my quarters when you're ready." Dropping my protein bar into my lap, I reached up to touch his hand but he'd pulled away, heading straight to the elevator.

As I craned my neck to watch him round the corner I sighed heavily, then looking back down at my lap, I hissed, "You are such an ass!", and picked the bar back up. Probably for the best, though. At least if he's mad at you he's not seducing you with every WORD out of his gorgeous MOUTH. Taking another bite, I decided I'd rather be hungry and stood to throw it in the trash just as Samara entered the room.

She smiled politely and approached me, "Good, you're here. I've received word from my contacts and I have news." She looked around briefly, "Did you want some privacy?"

I gestured to my quarters, "Yeah, let's go in here and talk."

When we walked in, Kasumi stood immediately and smiled, "Hey Samara."

The Asari nodded, "Hello Kasumi." She then looked at me and I nodded.

I gestured to the stools, "Kasumi knows what's going on so we can be open." The other two women sat down as I took my place behind the bar. "Anyone want a drink?" I got strange looks from both of them until I pulled out three bottled waters and scoffed. "I'm bad but not that bad."

Kasumi winked at me as she took one, "True, you are bad," and she twisted the cap off. "So what are we being open about?"

Samara took a sip from hers and gestured to me, "Regarding Samantha's condition. I spoke to some scientists at our monastery on Lesuss, where we house our Ardat-Yakshi," she eyed me to see my reaction, which was curiosity, then continued, "and they are willing to perform some tests to see if they can assist."

I measured my words carefully, unwilling to offend the Justicar, "When you say 'house', do you mean it's a prison or are they there voluntarily?"

The Asari shook her head, "They are there of their own free will. When each is discovered, we give them the option. Stay at the monastery, live in comfort and contribute to society as well as you can or be killed." The way she said it was so cold, not merciless but more calculating. Robotic. "Morinth chose option 2, as you are aware."

I nodded, "Have you sent them the scans?"

Samara nodded, "Dr. Chakwas provided them when I told her of their offer, she said they will give the scientists a 'base-line'."

I nodded, looking down at my untouched water bottle, "So they can measure between now and when I arrive the rate of decay." I felt a slap on my arm and looked up.

Kasumi's face was not pleased, "Shut up, you're going to be fine. They will figure out what's wrong and stop it. Who knows, maybe they will be able to reverse it!" She flashed a brilliant smile then sighed. "You have to be positive, little one. Otherwise your fate is sealed, and that is not what's happening here."

I took her hand in mine, giving it a squeeze as I smiled back, "Yes ma'am." Releasing it, I turned to Samara. "When are they expecting us?"

"As soon as we can get there." There was an urgency to her voice that I took note of.

Nodding, I walked around the bar and toward the door, "Ok then, time to face the music."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I stood in front of his door motionless as my heart raced. Being alone with him frightened me, but not because of him. I didn't trust myself anymore, a horrible feeling, and I didn't know what I would do or how I would react to what he might say or what he might do. What if he tries to convince me to stay? Or worse, what if he wants to stay with me while these scientist work on me? I shook my head, rubbing my eyes to get rid of the mental images of tubes and wires connected to every part of my body and someone in a lab coat in the corner of the room, throwing a switch.

"I'm just going to tell him what Doc found then what Samara has offered," I said to the door. "Then I will tell him we will book transport at our next stop and I will send Samara back as soon as possible. Right, easy." When I reached out to knock, the door slid open and I felt my nerve slipping. "Right," I grumbled, stepping inside.

His quarters were large, a bit larger in size than the comm room. Everything seemed to be made of a silver/blue metal, making the room feel warm. As I stepped in, I saw a desk to my right, covered in datapads, that lined two sides of a large cubby hole with an empty picture frame at the far end. Another few steps and I looked deeper into the room, seeing his bed neatly made, not a thing out of place. My eyes were locked on the large piece of furniture, noting it could fit two easily, when I heard someone clear their throat from behind me. I spun around to face them, horrified at being caught in my increasingly erotic thoughts once again.

John was standing in a small doorway off the cubby hole, leaning a forearm on the frame and smiling softly at me. He was so damned sexy in that moment my heart jumped immediately into my throat at the sight. He didn't say a word so I swallowed it back down and smiled back shyly. We'd been standing there for a few moments, just looking at each other, when he finally straightened himself and stepped toward me.

Gesturing to the area his bed was in, he held his smile, "There's a couch in there if you'd like to sit down."

My hand flew to the back of my neck, embarrassment finally taking over, "Yeah, sure." I walked down the small steps and into the larger room, noticing the couch that lined the outer wall of the cubby hole, and sat. Holy shit, Sam, BREATHE! I focused on a few controlled breaths and nodded.

My eyes snapped back to him when he spoke, "Do you want a drink? You seem a little tense." Again with the smile, I wanted to kiss that smile off his face. Wow, what the fuck is your problem? Calm down!

I shook my head, "No thanks, it didn't go so well for me last night." He gave me a curious look, so I obliged. "I got a little hammered and Kasumi had to play mommy, that's all I'm going to say." I put up a hand to accentuate that fact, at which point he laughed, shaking his head.

As he sat down on the couch at the other end he leaned back, draping his arm along the back of it, "Alright then, so what's the situation with you?" He tried to sound casual but it came off forced, telling me that he was just as nervous about all this as I was. No, this is a very twisted and deadly rabbit hole, he cannot follow me. I took a breath to steady myself and looked away, collecting my thoughts. Ok, here we go.

My eyes returned to his, "I'll start from the beginning."

As logically as possible, I went through what Chakwas found then my conversation with Samara, leaving out my bourbon-tear fest and finishing up with Samara's offer from the scientists on Lesuss. No emotion, no blame, just laying out the facts as they were presented to me in hopes of convincing him to let Samara and I go. I watched as he took it all in, his eyes giving away what he was thinking. At first there was only fear, but toward the end I thought I saw determination.

He sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands briefly before looking back at me, "Ok, I assume Samara has coordinates for this place?" I must have looked shocked because he laughed lightly as he shook his head at me. "What, did you think I would tell you no?" He stood from his seat, moving to stand between me and the table in front of me. As he sat on the metal top facing me, he reached out and took my hands in his. "I doubt I could deny you anything."

Once again my heart made its way quickly into my throat, stopping my breath and quickening my pulse. I have no control, I literally have zero control over myself when it comes to him. Looking into his eyes, I could see the warmth in them, giving me an idea as to what he was thinking. My chest was going to explode if I sat there longer, a very unfamiliar feeling. Was I always like this or is this Kayla? I looked down at my hands, cradled by his much larger ones, and saw they were shaking.

This is not me, I insisted, and slowly pulled my hands away, "John, this is not a good idea." Rubbing them together for a few seconds, I placed them in my lap as I looked up at him, confusion plain on my face. "I may very well be gone soon, why would you want to get any more involved?"

He rested his forearms on his thighs with a sigh, almost glaring at me, "So you think this is pretty much a done deal."

A statement more than a question, but I felt it deserved an honest response, one that may piss him off, but too bad, "I think that this was never my body to begin with, so if there is a possibility of her getting it back, then she should have it." I braced myself for the backlash, knowing I'd just changed the entire dynamic of the conversation.

He visibly bristled but took a long breath before speaking, "I think I can understand why you would feel that way." The man, once again, surprised me, and I was unable to hide it, making him laugh at my expense for a second time. He shook his head, "In case you forgot, I died too." Looking down at his hands, he released a small sigh, "I can relate to not feeling like you belong, like you've stolen your life."

Unable and unwilling to stop myself, I took his hands in mine, "I can guarantee you no one feels like you've stolen anything. People believe in you, trust you, look up to you even. John…" I was still staring at the top of his head, his eyes pointed at the floor. Leaning forward, I rested my forehead on his crown. "Dammit, I don't deserve you. I really don't." I planted a tender kiss where my head had rested and released his hands, standing.

He finally looked up at me, an emotion I couldn't identify burning in his eyes, "When will you get it through your head, really?" He growled the last word as he stood, coming nose to nose with me, staring me straight in the eye with an intensity I hadn't seen in him before. It made me move to take a step back but he caught me by the arms, gently yet firmly holding me in place before him.

I could feel his breath on my face, feel the heat of his hands through the cloth of my shirt, even his body heat radiated off of him as we stood ever so close to each other. Staring at him dumbly, my mouth agape, it was all I could do to ensure I continued to breathe, I definitely couldn't bring words together and make a sentence. All I was able to do was stare into those blue eyes and wait for him to decide what to do with me.

Suddenly he sighed, his hand moving to his ear piece, "Yeah Miranda, what's up?" He looked away as he listened, annoyance clear in his furrowed brow. "Fine, I'll take care of it." When he turned the tech off he looked back down at me, his eyes searching. He looked as if a thought popped into his head and he reached down to the table, snatching up one of the datapads that were scattered all over it.

Handing it to me, he nodded, "Tell ya what, you read through this then tell me if you think she deserves her life back." He gestured toward the sofa, "Stay as long as you like, I'll be back shortly." He moved to walk away, but hesitated. Taking hold of my arms once again, he pulled me to him, planting a firm kiss on my forehead. Resting his against the warmed skin, he took a long breath. "You're not the only one who gets to decide what you deserve." He released me and, without another word or look, he left the room.

I stared after him for a moment, still processing everything that had just happened and trying to bring my heart rate back down to normal. You idiot, you're grinning like mad! Bringing my hand to my forehead, I laughed to myself and sat back down on the couch. I dropped the hand from my head to my lap where I held the datapad.

I looked down at it curiously, "So what are you all about?" Opening it, I saw the title screen and realized what I was seeing.

Doctor Kayla Martin - Research Notes

Example A - 6 year old Asari, 'pure-blood', showing impressive biotic ability for the age. Verbally abusive to staff and guards, has been physically reprimanded on 14 occasions to date. Solitary confinement was suggested but not enforced. Prime candidate for 're-educational development' on Pragia…

I had to re-read the first paragraph a few times to believe it, but it appeared that this woman was performing evaluations on children for experimentation, "What the fuck?" I continued reading, but once I got through about 8 children I had to stop. Her descriptions of the kids, their abilities and their 'usefulness', what had been done to keep them in control, it was all so disgusting. But when she gave her recommendations, that was when I wanted to physically throw up.

One 12 year old human 'example' she wanted to give back to the slavers they'd gotten him or her from, saying, "It is not in our best interest to waste resources on this example, it is showing no positive response to physical stimuli (shock, violence, starvation) and mental stimuli doesn't appear to get through (vulgarity, threats, demeaning). It is my recommendation to return it to the slavers and attempt to get our funds back."

I was gritting my teeth as I clutched the datapad with both hands tightly. Is this what you wanted, Shepard? You wanted me to see I was turning into a monster? Unsure where the anger was coming from, I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. Stop, John would only want me to see that fighting to stay is the right thing to do. He just doesn't want me to give up.

But he doesn't know everything, does he? In that moment I decided to make sure that he did, resigning to give him all of the information to make an informed decision.

Dropping the datapad back on the table, I stood up and made my way into the elevator, "EDI, where is Shepard at the moment?"

Her robotic voice came over the comms, "Commander Shepard is on the engineering level."

I nodded, "Take me there please."