First, I am very sorry for the hiatus but unfortunately it couldn't be helped. Cancer has reared its ugly head in my family once again and things are progressing in the direction one would expect.
I cannot guarantee I will be updating as before but I can guarantee that this story will continue through to the end. Its sequel haunts me as well so expect that. :)
Thank you all for sticking it out and please review!
I debated following John to see if he was alright, even going so far as to take the elevator up to his quarters, but the look on his face when he left Grunt and I was enough to make me think twice. Anger, rage even, and it was deeply seeded. Not sure that's something I can help with. Maybe just let him cool down, talk to him later.
Taking the elevator back down, I stopped on my floor and flopped down into a chair at the table in the mess. No one was around, not even Rupert, so I stood back up and rifled through a cabinet, finding some small bags of snacks and bottled water. Grabbing one of each, I returned to my spot at the table and ripped open the package.
"Well, at least your appetite isn't affected," Garrus teased from the long hallway that lead to his work station. As he made his way toward me the door behind him hissed shut. "But it does take a lot of energy to be a pain in the ass, so…"
I flipped him off with a wink, "Takes one to know one, Vakarian." He sat in the chair next to me so I offered him the bag to which he waved away. I shook my head, "Food snob."
I saw him give me a playful sneer in my peripheral, "Takes one, right?"
Grinning as I reached for my water, I'd given him a nod when the reality of what was about to happen struck me dead in the face.
I started thinking about what was going to happen and what could happen. Leaving the ship and for an unknown amount of time would leave a lot to chance. I wouldn't be there to help John, to watch his back, to give input and protect him the Cerberus lackeys or more importantly from himself... Shit.
My heart clenched, "You're sticking it out, right? Staying with John for the duration?" Trying desperately to hide my panic, I shoved more 'chips' into my mouth and took a long swig of water to wash them down.
Garrus watched, a knowing look in his eye, "Yes, Sam, I will be here." His tone was patient, reassuring.
Realizing I'd been made, I put everything back down on the table and sighed, "I'm worried."
His talon found my shoulder, giving it a squeeze, "I know." His quiet calm kept my anxiety in check, thankfully. I knew I could trust him, not just to keep an eye on John but to be there for him, guard his six at all costs. Just like I would.
Turning my head to face him, I gave him a heartfelt smile, "I know you'll watch over him." Feeling a bit sheepish about the next request I was about to make, I looked away a little and took a breath, "Would you mind keeping me posted? I don't mean for you to spy on him for me but just let me know what's going on? I know he won't, he'll worry about stressing me out but not knowing will be worse for me." I knew I was asking a lot but I hoped if anyone understood it would be Garrus. Looking back at the Turian, I batted my eyelashes. "Please Garrus? PLEASE?"
After a few moments of hesitation his hands slowly raised up in surrender as he smirked, "Alright, alright, I give up." He then dropped them to the arm rests of the chair, pushing himself up to standing. "I know when I'm beaten, but if I'm found out I will tell Shepard you threatened me within an inch of my life."
More relieved than I could have imagined, I smiled gratefully and nodded, "He'll believe you too. Thanks." I stood and, leaning toward him, I put my hands on either side of his head to pull it toward me, planting a firm kiss on his forehead. When I pulled back I softened my tone and my expression. "Really, thank you so much."
The knowing smile returned, "I think we're even, your help with Sidonis and all."
I dropped my hands to my sides, a warm feeling taking over in my chest as I shook my head, "Nah. That's what friends are for."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Garrus left to finish calibrating something so I headed over to the med bay to talk to Doc about what she'd already shared with the scientists I would be working with. She went over it with me quickly and provided me a copy of all my files just in case.
I headed back to my room to talk to Kasumi about the whole thing but when I walked in I found she wasn't there. She's probably either in the training room or sneaking around somewhere. Giggling to myself at the thought of her scaring the shit out of some unsuspecting crew member, I noticed a duffel bag on my bed. Someone is very thoughtful. Taking it as a hint, I thought maybe I should pack, be prepared for whenever we arrived. Wait, should I even get packed now? I don't even know when we will get there.
Remembering I had an infinite database of information right in ear shot, I looked up toward the ceiling with a smile, "EDI, can you tell me when we will arrive at Lesuss?" If we're even headed there yet.
"We will arrive in approximately two hours, Sam," the voice replied from thin air.
Shocked, I thought maybe I misheard her, "EDI, you said two hours?" No, can't be. I'm not ready to leave yet. Too soon….
"Yes Sam," the voice confirmed. "When Commander Shepard gave Mr. Moreau the coordinates he told him to 'punch it'. It was confirmed for me that meant to hurry."
Managing to get a grip on my emotions, I nodded, "Understood, thank you EDI."
"You are welcome, Sam."
"Shit," I spat, looking around the room. Two HOURS? What the fuck?! Ok, have to make sure I have everything.
I threw together a week's worth of clothes and some toiletries, shoving them into the duffel. Giving the room one last look I decided I had everything I needed and sighed. I have to find John, have to tell him…
Tell him what? Tell him you love him? Tell him you're scared? Tell him when you slip away his face will be your final thought? Gritting my teeth, I clenched my fists in frustration. You can't tell him anything other than 'Take care of yourself and goodbye.'. You cannot be selfish, not now.
Shaking my head to clear the thoughts away, I left the bag on my bed and headed to the training room in hopes of finding Kasumi. She'll set me straight, someone has to.
When the doors hissed open I heard someone beating the punching bag furiously. Because it was tucked in the corner directly to the left of the elevator, I couldn't see who it was until I stepped off the pad, but I had an idea from the strength behind those punches. John.
Treading carefully, I made my way toward him, making sure to keep a distance between us that would prevent him from hauling off and decking me if I'd startled him. Something told me I would not survive that.
I watched as he connected with the bag, each blow sending a visible quake through it. The sleeveless shirt he was wearing exposed the muscles in his arms; I watched in awe as they flexed with each motion. Jesus Christ he is impressive.
An unbidden sigh escaped my lips. Shocked at my lack of control, I reflexively clapped a hand over my mouth, giving away my presence. He rounded on me quickly, staring me down with his fists at the ready. His eyes bored through me and yet… it was as if he didn't see me at all.
The warmth that was always there was replaced with ice, compassion with rage, enough to make my eyes go wide and my heart jump up into my throat. Confusion at what I was feeling made me speechless and unable to move, unable to react or even think. Shit.
Just as quickly as he'd turned on me, his expression softened. The cold stare became embarrassment and rage became worried as he dropped his hands to his sides. Shaking his head, he let out a long sigh as he moved to the nearby bench, flopping down onto it unceremoniously.
He ran a hand over his close cropped hair, "I'm sorry Sam." His voice was defeated, as if he'd given in to the fact that something bad had happened. Something awful that should have been well within his control, but it happened nonetheless. His long pause told me what was going on inside his head. Guilt, failure… I know those feelings all too well.
Sitting down next to him, I made sure to be close enough that our legs touched, mostly to assure him I was not afraid of him. Distance would have been the worst thing, it would validate everything running around inside his mind. And honestly I wanted to be close to him. Shit, I'd STILL sit in his lap if he'd let me.
After a few moments I nudged his thigh with mine, "I can assure you there is nothing for you to be sorry about." I waited, letting that sink in and hoping that his rebuttal would give me an idea as to what the root cause was.
I'd seen outbursts like his before, mostly from new recruits who'd just returned from their first mission. They were haunted. Something or someone had gotten to them and they didn't know how to work through it. The psych people were good with them, but it took time. Young people never had enough focus. John might though, just need him to spill.
Glancing over at him, I bumped his shoulder with mine, "Want to talk about it? I won't push." Trying to appear patient, I remained silent as I stared at the wall and waited.
Moments passed with nothing from him. Growing bored with the wall, I looked down at his hands. They were gripping the towel he'd used to wipe the sweat from his head and face, his knuckles a stark white. I waited, wanting to take his hands in mine, release the tension and help him to relax but unsure as to how to approach this John. This John seemed unpredictable, filled with rage and who knows what else. I'll let this one come to me.
I sat there for a few minutes, maintaining contact with his leg but making no further moves. Still watching his hands as they clamped down on the cloth trapped between them, I noticed the white was slowly disappearing from his knuckles. His breathing had slowed, indicating a slower heart rate, which made me relax more. A long sigh escaped him as the material drifted to the ground.
Slowly, I turned my head to look at his face as he leaned down to rest his forearms on his knees. He was still looking straight ahead, but his jaw was no longer clenched. His eyebrows, however, were still furrowed in concern.
"I never wanted you to see that," he blurted out. Eyes still focused on the wall, he continued. "That part of me, I'm usually really good at keeping it hidden. I'm sorry."
I didn't move an inch, just continued to look at his face, "Why?".
It was a simple question, straightforward and to the point. I wanted to know why, so I asked. It must have taken him off guard, because he turned his head toward me with a look of bewilderment.
His mouth opened and closed a few times before something came out, "Because I don't want you to be afraid of me."
A part of me wanted to laugh out loud, but I held her in check, "I am not afraid of you." My tone was even, my face placid. I knew there was something going on I wasn't fully aware of and I had my suspicions, but I wanted to hear it from him. "Why do you think I would be?"
He turned his body fully toward me, resting his knee on the bench to face me, "In case you didn't notice, I have a bit of a temper." That garners further explanation.
Realizing honesty would be best, I held my facade, "I think we can both safely claim that trait. What of it?"
He narrowed his eyes, "Mine is more intense, less under control. I've…" his eyes went blank as he looked off into a non-existent distance somewhere behind me. Closing them, he shook his head gently. "I've done things."
I knew that feeling, similar to a large rock being dropped in a small pond, "We both have, John. Shit, I wouldn't want someone reminding me of all the times I let my temper get the best of me."
His shoulders slumped slightly as his eyes softened, "Regardless, I never wanted you to see it. I thought I was getting better at controlling it, holding back, but earlier with Grunt, and even before…" He shook his head as if to erase it from his mind but I knew what he was referring to.
"In the med bay, with me," I whispered. His head bobbed in agreement, eyes dropping to the hand he clenched between us. Carefully, I rested my own hand on it, watching as his eyes steadily made their way back up to meet mine. A soft smile spread across my lips, "Tell me what's going on inside that handsome head of yours." A gentle smirk then a wink and I got a tiny grin from him.
His grin turned into a smile as he covered my hand with his free one, "You are amazing, you know that?" I gave him my best sarcastic-surprised face and he huffed out a laugh. Shaking his head, he reached out to cup my face, running a thumb over my cheekbone. "Amazing and beautiful. Why are you wasting your time with a joke like me?" An honest question, but one I couldn't quite grasp.
My eyebrow quirked in disbelief, "Seriously? Have you looked in the mirror lately?" I was rewarded with a playful sneer so I smiled softly, trying to give my next words some meaning. "Because I believe you need a reminder I will list just a few of your finer traits.
"First, you are attractive. Second, you are intelligent. Third, you have a surprising sense of humor. Seriously, no one can take me off guard like you," I ended that thought with a hand on his leg and continued, "Fourth, you reel me back in when I'm strung out and ready to drop strangers off of 5,000 story buildings. Would you like me to continue?" I looked at him expectantly.
A rush of emotions ran across his face in a matter of moments but surprise and concern were the only ones I could pin down. He clenched his teeth as he stared into my eyes, as if deliberating either what to say or what not to say.
He took a slow breath, then sighed, "I forgot for a moment I was talking to the most stubborn woman in the galaxy." He took my right hand and held it, palm up, for him to examine.
His large fingers traced the lines, as if committing them to memory. The feather-light wisps across my skin were more intoxicating than I would have liked to admit, but I held my composure until one came to a stop in the center.
His eyes met mine, "You are important to me, you know that, right?"
My heart jumped into my throat as guilt flooded my veins, "John." I swallowed, closing my eyes tight to gain my composure, "we both know that I may not come back from this…"
He reached out, cupping my chin and placing his thumb over my lips, "You don't know that."
"John, please," I whispered as I grasped his hand with both of mine, removing it from my face and placing it in my lap. "I need to be realistic and I need to know that things will progress well if I don't come back. I can't do that if you are in denial." Squeezing his hand, I pleaded with my eyes, "Please John, please. Just hear me out."
All sorts of feelings ghosted past his eyes until finally determination remained, "Alright," he nodded. "I'm listening."
I took a breath, resigning myself to the most likely outcome and what I wanted to say, "There is a high probability that I will not return from Lessus. In that event I want to be sure that you will be alright, that everyone will be alright." Inhaling deep, I didn't take my eyes off of him as I continued, "I only ask one thing of you, specifically…
"I need you to forget about me."