Chapter Fourteen: Completely Hopeless

Lily reads her letter. She had another heart to heart with Sirius.

One week later, Lily still had not opened her letter. Every night before bed, she would sit and clutch the letter firmly, simply willing herself to open it. And every night, without fail, she would wimp out and place it back in her bedside table. Part of her wanted to tear it to shreds without even reading it. Would serve him right, Lily thought, bitterly. The other part of her was dying to know what Andrew wrote. She foolishly wondered if he was finally going to apologize for cheating on her. If he's just apologizing, why am I so scared?

While Lily grappled with indecisiveness, her friends were not shy about sharing their thoughts. Although I didn't exactly ask for their opinions, Lily thought as she sat with Dorcas and Marlene in the library having a very heated discussion on the matter. Marlene was all for shredding the letter and had offered to do it herself. Dorcas, ever the Ravenclaw, thought that was pointless.

"Part of you will always wonder what it said. Besides, what would shredding it do?" Dorcas said, calmly. She had always been able to maintain much more decorum when arguing compared to Marlene.

"Are you kidding!?" Marlene exclaimed. "That asshole doesn't deserve any more of her time. He had his chance three years ago, and he fucking blew it."

"I know that," Dorcas argued. "But, shredding his letter won't take back what he did. You can't change what happened. So, you might as well see if he at least had the decency to finally apologize. Even if he is three years late."

"Lily, you could control the narrative," Marlene insisted, completely ignoring Dorcas's point.

"Disregarding someone's account isn't controlling the narrative," Dorcas reasoned. "How can you control the narrative if you don't have all the facts? If anything, reading the letter would give Lily closure. She could officially close the chapter of this book."

"No, that doesn't make any sense –" Marlene started. Lily rolled her eyes. The two of them had been bickering for at least ten minutes on the subject. Their incessant arguing was another reason that Marlene and Dorcas had yet to get together, with Marlene's crippling fear of commitment being the number one reason.

Well, they say there's a thin line between love and hate, Lily thought as she watched the two girls argue. Those two will be the death of me.

As Marlene and Dorcas continued their disagreement, Lily thought of James Potter, and how crushed his face looked after she received the letter. He continued to walk around like a sad puppy all week, and every time he looked at Lily, it seemed like his heart was breaking all over again. She wanted to grab him by the shoulders and say she's sorry, which was foolish because Lily certainly hadn't done anything. It's not like I asked my ex-boyfriend to write me three years after we'd broken up.

Lily let out a frustrated sigh. "I thought we were supposed to be studying. Not dissecting my love life. I can't even hear myself think with you two arguing. Why don't you two just snog and get it over with already."

Without even pausing to take pleasure in the shocked expressions and bright blushes on their faces, Lily grabbed her books and left Marlene and Dorcas to their puzzlement.

In a blind rage, Lily marched down the hallway, barely even registering where she was going. "Three bloody years," Lily mumbled to herself. "He doesn't speak to me for three bloody years, and still, he manages to get this kind of reaction out of me. That son of a bitch—" Lily's rambling was cut short when she walked straight into someone, sending her and her books tumbling to the floor.

Lily groaned as she started collecting her things. She only looked up when she heard a familiar voice say, "We really need to stop meeting like this." She glanced up and saw James Potter kneeling in front of her wearing his classic smirk.

She was so angry still that her heart only fluttered a little bit, as opposed to the usual backflip it did when talking to James. "What do you want, Potter?" she huffed.

"Ouch, not very friendly tonight," James said while reaching down to help her.

She sighed. "I'm sorry. I was just in the library, and Marlene and Dorcas were arguing again. I just couldn't take it anymore."

Once James and Lily had gathered all her belongings, they stood up, he handed her a few books, and she smiled in response. "Ahh, I see. What was it this time?" James smirked. Marlene and Dorcas's electric sexual tension was infamous at Hogwarts. There was a long-running pool about when the two of them would finally swallow their pride and get together.

"Er—it was actually about me," Lily muttered. "And my letter from Andrew."

"Oh," James was no longer smiling. "Uh, what did it say?"

"Well, that's the thing," Lily rubbed her neck in embarrassment. "I haven't actually read it."

"What are you waiting for?" James asked, confused.

Lily sighed. "Well, part of me doesn't think he deserves any more of my time. Sometimes I just think about burning the dammed thing and forgetting about it altogether. But the other part of me is curious to know what he says. I just can't help but wonder why he would reach out after three years."

"That boy fucked up with you, Lily. To be clear, he never deserved your time, but after what he did, he lost all privileges to your heart," James started, heatedly. Lily had rarely seen him so worked up about anything before. "By contemplating this decision, you are giving him power over you again. At the end of the day, it's just a letter. It's just words on a piece of parchment, and they will only affect you if you let them. Read it, don't read it, but don't let him control you again. You're too good for that, and you deserve better."

With that, he turned and continued on his way, leaving Lily alone in the corridor. Don't let him have any control over you. James had given her the best piece of advice she'd received all week.

Lily had forgotten how much she let Andrew push her around. When they had started dating, she was young and naïve; she had thought that since he chose her, it meant she had to do everything in her power to keep him happy and interested. So, she put up with his shit and rarely complained. That was honestly the worst part of their relationship. It wasn't that he cheated on her (don't get her wrong, that fucking sucked), it was that she had completely lost herself in that relationship.

Read it, don't read it, but don't let him control you anymore. Lily knew it didn't matter whether she read the letter or not. Either way, she would not let Andrew Goldstein have any part of her again. Not her body, not her mind, and sure as hell, not her heart.

With James' words in her heart, she set off for the Astronomy Tower, because after everything she'd gone through this week, Merlin knows she needed a cigarette or two.

Once she was there, with a cigarette to calm her nerves, she tentatively opened the letter.

Dear Lily,

How are you? I hope you've been well and are enjoying your final year at Hogwarts. I have heard from people in the Ministry that you are Head Girl. Congratulations! That is a great accomplishment, Lily, and you should be proud. A source tells me that you have hopes of entering the Ministry of Magic after Hogwarts. I would strongly advise you against this course of action. With everything going on in the world, your kind is in an extremely vulnerable position. While the Ministry won't come out and say it, they are not exactly keen on hiring Muggle-borns right now. I would hate to see you get your hopes up. I only say this because I care about you. Perhaps it might be best for you to take shelter in the Muggle world once you finish school. I only want what's best for you.

Send my best to Mary and Marlene.

Sincerely,

Andrew Goldstein

After Lily finished reading, she couldn't help but feel crushing disappointment. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't this. She had gotten all worked up, only to be reminded what an ignorant and selfish bastard he was. Had I really expected a profound and heartfelt apology from Andrew Goldstein? Lily didn't know who should feel more foolish; Andrew for being a fucking prat that clearly hadn't changed one bit, or Lily for actually expecting more from him.

Without giving it another thought, she took her lighter back out and held the letter up to the flame. She watched as Andrew's condescending words burned. She wished she could burn his words from her brain, but alas, she would just have to settle for burning the parchment.

"Stupid, rotten, fucking twat," Lily mumbled as the letter burned.

"Lily, that's no way to talk about James when he's not here," Lily gasped and whipped her head around. Sirius Black was leaning against a telescope and watching her with amusement.

"Shit!" Lily yelped. She had held onto the burning parchment for too long, and her fingers had gotten scorched in the process. She dropped the letter and started shaking her hand, as though that would have any effect on her pain. "What are you doing here, Black?"

"Same as you, I imagine," he stomped the letter's flame out with his boot. "This is where we come to smoke and vent about our man issues, yeah?"

"Sure," Lily eyed him suspiciously. Much like the last time, she wordlessly offered him a cigarette, and he gratefully accepted.

"So, you finally read the letter from Goldstein?" Sirius inquired after he had settled on the ground next to her.

"Yup," Lily responded, popping the "p."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Nope," Lily deadpanned.

They continued to smoke in silence. While Lily was satisfied with her decision to read the letter, she couldn't help but slightly regret not burning it earlier. What a waste of my bloody time.

Lily groaned loudly. "Why are men such shit?"

"Not all men," Lily turned to watch Sirius. His words were vaguely reminiscent of her conversation with James from last week. You are not most men, James Potter.

Lily studied Sirius, really studied him. His expression was similar, very similar to the one she has when she thinks about James. Too similar… "Sirius, who is he?"

"What?" Sirius stared at her with a shocked expression. "What are you talking about."

"Sirius, you can tell me," Lily said gently.

Sirius smoked his cigarette and gazed out onto the grounds thoughtfully. Lily didn't push him. She had played this game before with Marlene when she came gout to Lily as bisexual. She had faith that when the time was right, Sirius would share what he was comfortable with.

"Lily," Sirius said solemnly. "I'm gay."

Lily looked at him for a moment before embracing him in a warm and tight hug.

"What is this?" Sirius asked in disgust.

"It's called a hug, Black," Lily replied. "And if you're going to be my friend, you're going to have to get used to it."

Sirius hesitated for a moment before giving in and hugging her back. "I didn't exactly grow up in a warm and accepting family. Raised by wolves, remember?"

"Well, we will just have to change that. Thank you for telling me," Lily said, finally releasing Sirius. "Every time someone steps up and says who they are, the world becomes a better, more interesting place."

"Thank you, Evans," Sirius said sincerely.

"So, I repeat my question," Lily challenged. "Who is he?"

"He's someone I dated a few years ago. We only went out for a few months, but it was amazing. Then I had to go and fuck it all up."

"Did you love him?"

"I still do," Sirius admitted.

Lily was thoughtful for a moment. This story seems strangely familiar, Lily thought to herself. It sounds just like the story Remus was telling me…. REMUS?!

Lily let out an odd squeak at her realization. Sirius raised an eyebrow at her but didn't push it. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! Lily tried her best to process this information calmly, but she just couldn't believe that Remus and Sirius had dated, and she had had no idea. Although she had to admit that they actually made a lot of sense together. The worst part for her was knowing they both still loved each other, but neither of them wanted to confess it. Bloody idiots.

Lily cleared her throat. "So, this boy, do you think he still loves you?" Because I know he does.

"He does, not in the way I do, though. We are just friends," Sirius clarified with a sigh.

I fucking knew it. "Well, I wouldn't give up just yet. There's always hope."

Sirius smiled at her. "You might want to take your own advice, Evans."

"What do you mean?" Lily snapped.

Sirius smirked at her. "Don't play coy, Evans. It's not a good look on you."

Lily glared at him. "If you're not going to say what you mean, you can just leave."

Sirius laughed. "I just mean, don't be afraid to take a chance. He's worth it."

"I don't know who you're talking about," Lily firmly maintained while sporting a deep blush that she knew was a dead giveaway.

"Deny all you want, honey," Sirius smirked, "But we all know how you really feel."

"Does he?" Lily muttered barely above a whisper while steadfastly staring at her feet.

"No, he's too bloody stupid," Sirius scoffed. "I can't tell you what to do. I'll just say we live in a very uncertain world, and you shouldn't waste time being scared of something like love."

"Wow, Sirius, that was very profound," Lily praised.

Sirius shrugged. "I have my moments."

Lily studied him for a moment. "Let's both agree right now that we won't be afraid to try. Or, in your case, try again."

She held out her hand. Sirius considered her for a moment and eyed Lily's hand wearily. "Alright, Evans. Deal. But I'm only doing this because I love Prongs so much, and I want to see him happy."

"Right, because you have no ulterior motive whatsoever," Lily rolled her eyes at him.

"You watch your cheek, Evans. Or I might just tell James how you feel," Sirius joked.

"Then I might just tell Remus how you feel," Lily retorted.

Sirius gaped at her, all joking gone. "I never said it was Remus."

"I never said it was James." They glared at each other for a moment. Lily felt a little guilty about calling Sirius out, but he had served a low blow by threatening to tell James first.

"Touché." They were quiet once more. Lily could tell Sirius was deciding whether he could trust Lily or not. She could tell because she was doing the exact same thing.

Sirius had trusted Lily with his biggest secret, she could trust him hers. "It's James," she admitted sheepishly.

"I know," Sirius offered her a small smile. "It's Remus."

"I know," Lily rested her head on his shoulder. "So, that's what you meant when you said I wasn't your type?"

Sirius let out a bark-like laugh. "Yes, Lily. Women aren't exactly my type."

"Fair enough," Lily replied. "Marlene'll be crushed, though." They both laughed.

"She'll get over it," Sirius shrugged. "Besides, she has Dorcas."

"True," Lily agreed. "We're all hopeless, aren't we?"

"Oh, completely hopeless!" Sirius exclaimed.

"Love sucks," Lily observed. And with that, they finished their cigarettes and headed off towards Gryffindor Tower, neither one feeling particularly happy, but both comforted by the fact they weren't in this alone.