You fall down.

You fall down into the pit. You can't climb back up. You see your life flash before your eyes as it's all taken away. In a splash of LCL and a mute scream, you're gone.

You stay there, in the depths of your mind, its mind. Waiting. You know this isn't the end. You've planned for it not being the end. The logical, reasonable part of you is aware of that. It knows what to expect. But human beings aren't built that simply.

The emotional core, all that makes you you, beyond the logic, beyond the hard data. It struggles. It cries out into the darkness. It's not meant to endure this kind of suffering. No one is.

Days pass. Or maybe it's months. It could be years, or decades, or centuries. Time is no longer linear. Everything you see and experience now is the past, and the future. Or at least, what you think is the future. The present does not exist, and the aforementioned two keep cycling in and out of each-other.

Your earliest memory as a child, your first love, your first break up, Second Impact, the birth of your son. Then, the arrival of the Angels, the fate of the Children, the dying screams of humanity.

They repeat, over and over and over again. You can't stop it. To preserve yourself, that emotional core at the very least, for the rational part of you feels like it rotted away long ago, you disassociate. You become less of yourself. You slumber. Your activity drops, your mind, or what you think is your mind, becomes more muted. It feels like drowning, but that's okay. Drowning is better than burning.

But then, something changes. You feel a spark, like your own, flare. Three of them, in fact. That stirs something in you. It's not the coldness you've surrounded yourself with.

Then you feel something like it again. And again. And again.

It's been popping up and disappearing a few times now. You're desperate. Something in your reptilian instincts recognizes emotions long since repressed. Warmth, duty, love. Those words burn themselves into you. They make you wake, if only at short intervals.

Another flicker, but this time it's different from the rest. You feel it more. It's like a cover was hiding its true shine all this time. You beckon it to you, unconsciously. It starts sinking itself, to the same place as you are. You feel it closer, and closer.

And with that, that emotional core you've been hiding so long? It starts to open up. It needs contact. Even placed in stasis, it's still suffering. Just opening yourself up like this again is a chore. It hurts. But it should be worth it. It has to be.

You can feel it. This body, this boy. The face, and the arms, and the legs, and the eyes. They're all different. They're not stumpy and cute anymore. But the smell, the taste, the aura he instills. He's yours. He's really yours, and he's here. Joy, joy like you haven't felt for what, to you, is an eternity.

You let him get close, and he's following. He knows what he's looking for. You call out to him. But he doesn't respond.

Then you start calling more frequently, more hurriedly. You want him to know it's you. Why doesn't he know? He should. He should kno-

He touches you. You feel his soul brush yours.

It's not him. IT'S NOT HIM.

It should be him why isn't it him who is this who are you why are you here WHAT DID YOU DO

He talks back. He actually has the gall to talk back. This devil, this impostor. IT TALKS BACK.

WHOAREYOUTOACCUSEME

You strangle him. He starts to die. Good. But it doesn't sate your rage. He's not dying fast enough.

The fire burns again, but this time you can't stand it. You've gone too long without experiencing it. You gaze upon a world governed by laws again. Linear time burns almost as much as the fire.

You see a moving shape. It is tiny, pathetic. It barely registers to you. But you don't want to see it move anymore.

KILL

Things are holding you in place. Tiny, stupid things. Worthless. They're strong, but you're stronger. You rip through them. A fist wound as tight as suspension cables erases the tiny presence, and the entire structure it was standing on. You move on.

You see other tiny things. Or maybe objects. You can't distinguish things that move.

KILL

You keep feeling things in your body as you move, but they're inconsequential. You have to keep moving. Keep lashing. Anything to distract you from the pain. You see something else in front of you. Another presence. This one isn't tiny. That only enrages you more. It's not having to go through the pain you're going through. Why is it just standing there.

KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL

Your thoughts devolve entirely at this point. No reason, only violence. Violence against the devil, violence against this horrid world, violence against yourself. You'll probably cave your own skull in after this is done.

But suddenly the fire cuts off. Your vision does too. The depths instantly claim you again. You're crushed under millions of tons of water. The worthless husk you're strangling escapes in a puff of heat. You curse it to an agonizing death with your last conscious thought as your core goes back into hibernation.

The past-future cycling begins anew, and everything is as it horribly should be.

I woke up in a cold sweat.

The dreams that haunted me on so many nights, were always disturbing in their own way. But this? This was something else. This didn't feel like a dream.

And it wasn't going away as my brain raised itself out of stupor of unconsciousness. Every last thing that had happened felt like it was burned into my mind. The figure, the darkness, the...me.

Me. It was me. That thing in the dream, the impostor. The horrid monster. That was me.

I had to calm my breathing for a few minutes, as I realized I was hyperventilating. Scratch that, I was on the brink of an all out panic attack.

I'd descended to the level of the Eva's soul. I'd stared at the abyss. It hadn't just settled for staring back. It had tried to kill me.

This was unprecedented, even for beings as unpredictable as the Evas. Unit 02, in its single showing of a berserker state, and especially Unit 01 went berserk to try and save their offspring. Unit 00 did it because of how unstable and incomplete the soul fragment inside of it was.

None, not one of those examples actively tried to hurt their own pilots. Unit 00 came the closest to that, but even then it was confused and tormented. Unit 05 on the other hand, had tried to snuff me out.

I gulped. It tried to kill me. It was the worst possible scenario I could have imagined. The soul inside the Eva wasn't just not meant for me, it knew who I was. Or, at the very least, it knew who I was supposed to be and found out what had happened to the person who was supposed to inhabit this body.

Which left only me. A fake, a doppelgänger. An impostor.

The Eva's reaction was not unwarranted. But what the fuck, what pray tell, in the actual fuck was I supposed to do about it? Sit down with it and chat over a cup of tea? Explain to it calmly but firmly how I needed to pilot it to have any hope of preventing this insane universe from driving itself into a third and final Armageddon?

If there's one thing I'd learned from this experience, and other such experiences in the past, both my own and from the show, it was that the souls in the Evas were suffering. They were unhinged, and they were very likely in pain. Listening to reason may have been out of the bounds of possibility for them. I had gotten lucky to the point of hysteria talking to Rei I so calmly. But Unit 05? I didn't think I was going to get that break of luck again.

But I had no time to delve further into that pit however. A sound was beeping at my intercom.

I had almost forgotten I was only allowed to speak through that now, and even then only to ask for necessities like water. Quarantined for days, and they still hadn't let me out. Nothing but a small blank room with nothing to do and nothing to think, except the demon waiting for me beyond the locked doors of my ward. Night and day had become meaningless, and my circadian rhythm had been thrown totally out of whack.

But that was the least of my worries.

I had half a mind to not answer the intercom at all. It probably wasn't anything essential. I hadn't run out of water. Checking my chronometer, I'd eaten forty minutes prior. But out of sheer boredom, I decided against my unwillingness towards human contact to do it.

"Pilot Akashi."

"Rei," I greeted, genuinely surprised. So surprised I'd forgotten to correct her at first. "Kano. Just call me Kano."

"Very well, Kano."

I nodded, even though she couldn't see the gesture. Out of all people that I'd think would come here, Rei was the furthest from my mind. I had expected Misato, as she'd popped up a few times to give me some encouraging words and once in the flesh. To show me the security footage of the disaster as Ritsuko asked me questions I had no answers to.

I expected even Shinji and Asuka, to an extent. But Rei? She didn't seem like the kind of person to visit someone anywhere, much less a quarantine ward, unless she had a goal.

"Why are you here?"

"I saw what happened. I wished to see you. They would not allow visitors before now."

I nodded, though there was a disconnect between her words and me understanding them. A second of delay. A moment of recollection.

I bit off her neck.

No. That wasn't me. As much as the thought of brutalizing Unit 00 was stuck in my head, that wasn't me. But my brain wasn't having any of that.

Flashes started. Visions half-remembered in fire and spite. I slapped myself on the face. And then I did it again. And again. And again.

GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD GET OUT OF MY HEAD

"Kano?"

That voice snapped me back. It was quiet, and simple, and it didn't know what emotion to convey. But it was a lifeline. Stay focused on the voice, and the thing'll leave you alone, at least for a while longer.

"Yes. Yeah. I'm fine. I'm fine," I took deep breaths. It only marginally helped, as did the grasping against my bed's frame. "You came to check up on me."

"Yes."

"Why?"

A long pause followed before she spoke again.

"Because I wanted to."

I could've pointed out how much unlike her that was. Not following orders, not acting on any outside goals. But I didn't care. I was too caught up with my own fears at the time to appreciate the profound impact socialization was having on her. And prying her further would've been a jerk move anyway. In the state I was in, I could at least still recognize a kind act.

"Thank you."

There was a silence as I tried to keep my thoughts focused. I couldn't afford to say nothing. So long as I could talk, I could distract myself from the pain, and gradually my hands began loosening their grip on the frame. They'd turned bone-white from the force.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes. I am fine."

"That's good. Really good to hear."

"..."

"Hey Rei."

"Yes?"

"I hurt you didn't I."

It was not a question.

"That was not you. That was the Eva."

"But it did hurt you."

"That does not matter."

Yes, yes it does. I made it happen. I'm a fucking, fucking idiot. I shouldn't have messed with something like-

I cut the thought off. Not now. Now was not the time.

"I have not interacted with many people before you," Rei started, startling me. "I did not need to. I was not ordered to. But now I have. And it has hurt me. But I don't think that hurt matters so much. We are all bearing the pain, together."

Terrible imprinted thoughts forgotten for the time being, I sighed. At least, there was a meagre good thing to be found in all this.

"That's thoughtful of you, Rei. And really mature, too."

More mature than I'm acting anyway.

"Do you consider me a..." she paused, as if the word was still unfamiliar to her. "Friend?"

"Of course. I said as much."

"Then please do not blame yourself."

I didn't know how to respond to that. I appreciated her kindness, her coming out of her way to do this so much. I never thought Rei would be capable of evolving so much in such little time. I had underestimated her. That made me feel bad. Controlling. Manipulative.

And I couldn't heed her words either. I'd rather have gone back to the nightmares than go through this.

"I'll try not to," I said at last, though the words rung hollow.

It was a few more days before I was released. The Entry Plug had been driven so deep into the Evangelion they felt it was absolutely necessary for me to remain in quarantine for longer than usual. Whatever "usual" constituted in this situation. I wasn't aware of anyone else who'd made such visceral contact with an Evangelion and hadn't subsequently turned into primordial soup.

When I was driven home to the apartment, it wasn't by Misato. She was busy managing Nerv's something or other. They didn't have the courtesy to tell me. It'd have been more grating how little they trusted their frontline soldiers if I actually gave a shit at this point.

I was dropped off. I usually took the stairs, but this time, I had no real drive for it. Elevator, walk, front door.

I considered repeating the words that had in some way or another carried so much meaning beforehand for me. But they didn't fit at all, now. How was this "home"? How was I ever going to adopt this place as my home, even for the sake of the people that now depended on it?

I had the soul of another brush with mine and it showed me I didn't belong. I would never belong. And if I went back, if I could even go back, would I belong where I was born in? Where the true me had come from? Was this all an elaborate, messed up dream? Could people dream dreams within dreams within dreams?

I had no answer to any of those questions. I felt tired. I had slept ten hours, I'd eaten and drunk plenty. But I still just felt so tired.

Please just let someone answer quick so I can go to my bed.

I knocked on the door. And waited. And then I knocked again. And waited. And waited.

The time that had passed was likely entirely insubstantial, but in my current state every second spent staying on my feet felt like an eternity. Eventually though, someone did answer.

It was Asuka.

"Oh. It's you," she said, as I was fixed with the trademark Asuka scowl.

I'd have questioned the motive behind that expression more on some other day. But now I just wanted to go to sleep. Or more accurately, go lay down and pretend to sleep.

"Hey," I greeted simply, and made to enter inside.

She stopped me. Flicked my chest.

"Don't "hey" me."

"Asuka, what do you want?"

"Where were you Fourth?"

I blinked.

"Is that supposed to be rhetorical?"

When she didn't budge an inch, I decided to humor her. She might actually not know.

"I was in the quarantine ward. They didn't let me out until today."

"I knew that dummkopf. I meant where the Hell were you when we needed you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"We killed an Angel, Fourth. While you were busy rotting in your little room, me and Idiot Shinji nearly got boiled alive."

Oh. So that's what this was about. Sandalphon was gone then?

"Tha-I mean, that's great. Not the...boiling part, but the uh, Angel killi-"

"Shut up already. You haven't answered the question."

"What the Hell am I meant to answer?!" I said, raising my voice. "I told you. I was in the quarantine ward. Even if I knew what was going I couldn't get out of there!"

"Are you sure about that, Fourth?"

"Of course I'm fucking sure! Jesus Christ Asuka, what do you want me to say?! Now please, just get out of my way so I go and get some shuteye."

She shoved me back.

"You've had a week to get some shuteye, you disgusting coward," she said, venom dripping from every word.

I lost it.

"What the fucking Hell are you doing, you insane fucking moron?!" I elevated my voice to a full blown yell at this point. "I couldn't have fucking helped you because my Eva went fucking berserk and almost killed me! It almost killed Rei! I was held in that ward against my fucking will! What am I supposed to fucking say to get you to back off, you goddamn maniac?!"

"I don't want to pilot it anymore," Asuka said, tone neutral, eyes cold as ice.

That knocked the rage right out of me.

"What?"

"I don't want to pilot it anymore," she repeated. "That's what you told Misato when she asked if you would help in the drop on Mount Asama."

"That's impossible, I don't remember anything like th-"

"Impossible or not, it doesn't change the fact you're a coward."

"I'm a what now?" I said, feeling more and more as if her words were constricting me by the throat.

"You're a gottverdammt coward, Kano Akashi," her eyes never let up their boring stare. "The moment things take a turn for the worse, you run away with your tail between your legs. Shinji might be a moron, and the Commander's Wondergirl might be a wind-up doll, but at the very least you can count on them to do what has to be done. You get in one brush with death and whimper away when you're needed again."

I couldn't look at her eyes anymore. I wanted to be angry. Scream at her. Make her understand. Spill all the dirty secrets of this world on her. Justify myself.

I'm not a war machine. I'm no soldier. I'm no killer. And I will never be.

But then was Shinji any of those things? Was Rei? Hell, was Asuka even?

And even with all the weight of the world on my shoulders, did I have the horrible life each one of them had gone through? Could I honestly say knowing what came next made my situation worse than theirs? Could I boast to the girl before me how horrible a berserk Evangelion was, when she was destined to get mindraped, physically violated by the only person she ever let get close to her, and then skewered and eaten alive by man's greatest monsters?

I couldn't answer any of those either.

"Just get in," she finally relented, and stepped to the side. "I'm sick of watching you feel sorry for yourself. "

It took a moment to get the neurons firing in my legs. I didn't... I couldn't look at her. I walked to my room, completely missing to check if the Third Child was anywhere to be seen.

I don't belong. I will never belong.