The next morning I woke up feeling refreshed. Well-rested. The best I had felt in months, really.

Which made everything seem all the more disjointed and wrong.

Ever since I'd arrived in this world, the constant dreams of unknown things that never lingered after sleep had become a constant. They were uncomfortable, and they often disrupted my rest. But that uncomfortability became tolerable soon enough, and even lead to it's own kind of complacency, in time. It was a fact of life, that I would get a shitty night's sleep every night. You either let that bother you until you went insane, or you acclimated to it and planned life accordingly.

Now something had changed. Something had changed and I did not like that all. Ever since my lucid dream, or maybe secondhand experience, of being Unit 05, I had slept a deep sleep. No dreams, nothing but the absence of consciousness. That was concerning, to say the least.

But it still didn't measure up to the problems I faced in the waking world. Between Asuka's verbal teardown of myself, and Unit 05's certain uncooperative nature in any future Angel fight, my chances of getting through this bleak world with everyone's sanity and life intact were looking worse by the minute. Though that did also remind me of something else.

Gottverdammt coward.

I clenched my teeth, as my cheeks flushed red at remembering that moment. But it had to be done. It had to be remembered, for the one thing Asuka had said that had stuck out to me. Well, everything she said that night had stuck out to me. But one of those things stuck out for a particular reason.

I don't want to pilot it anymore.

Now when the Hell had I ever said that? I sure didn't remember it. And I wasn't entirely unconscious during my days-long stay in the quarantine ward. Yet at the same time, why would Asuka lie like that? It seemed profoundly out of character for her to go out of her way just to be that demeaning to another pilot, with no real reason to spark it nor goal to achieve in doing it.

I'd have to ask Misato about it later. If it was real, and it was something that I had truly said, then I needed to get to the bottom of when, how and why I had said it. And then I would have to start trying to show Asuka why it was a lapse in judgement caused by trauma and something I'd never actually do to them. I needed to prove that I would never abandon them...

Right?

Today was a Saturday, which meant I could sleep in as much as I wanted. Of course, even if I hadn't had a day off, I probably would have slept in. I didn't particularly care about school with everything already on my mind. But inevitably, duties you ignore, no matter how trivial in the universal scheme of things, tend to catch up to you.

In this case they chose to catch up to me through a freckled, pigtailed brunette that seemed somewhat awkward to be ringing the door.

Probably would have been more awkward had I not bothered to put some clothes on.

"Akashi."

"Class rep. Hello," I looked over my shoulder to the apartment. "Uh, if you're looking for Asuka, she's not here right now. No one is, actually. Except me."

"Well it's good you're here. I didn't come for Asuka, I actually came to deliver you your homework."

"Oh."

The last thing I needed in my day was several batches of unfinished schoolwork. I was sure Nerv covered for me and handing stuff late wouldn't impact my education, but...actually, on second thought, considering how little they cared of my life outside battle and synch tests, I was a bit skeptical on that. Then again, not much of a point to it either way given we were all supposed to end up as primordial soup in a while.

But to get back to the matter at hand, I could at least be polite, even if I didn't really appreciate it.

"Thanks," I said, accepting the stack of paper that was a bit too thick for my liking.

"No problem," she waved me off. "I think I'll be going now."

She took a turn to leave.

"Wait."

I had finally taken a good look at the class rep. Her dress looked wrinkly, as if it had been thrown on haphazardly. Her hair was a mess that only looked presentable because it was tied up. She had heavy bags under her eyes. And she was glistening in a light layer of sweat. These were by no means her only irregularities, but they were the most prominent. Normally a thing like it wouldn't have stuck me as odd, but this was Hikari Horaki I was looking at, the always-prepared and ever-presentable.

"Class rep, did you get hit by a truck on the way here?" I said, before scolding myself internally for the crass wording.

Hikari didn't seem to notice however, as she froze up somehwat. As she turned around I could see a sheepish, awkward smile on her face that made her look all the more tired. When my inquiring gaze didn't relent, she lost the smile and sagged her shoulders somewhat.

"It's been a long day."

"It's only 11 AM."

"I know."

"Do you need to sit down or something?" I blurted out, only half-meaning it as a suggestion.

She seemed ready to automatically reject that idea on hearing it, but quickly internalized a conflict I couldn't even begin to guess at. After a brief time doing that, she sighed, seeming almost defeated.

"It wouldn't be a problem, would it?"

"Course not."

She looked around reluctantly, as if expecting confirmation from the walls. I gestured somewhat awkwardly to the inside of the apartment. I still wasn't too sure of it, but by now I was in too deep to call it off. My gesture seemed to alleviate any doubts she had, and she took her shoes off to enter. That's when I noticed another strange detail.

No socks on. Huh.

Just how much of a hurry had she been in?

I decided to save that question for the moment at least, and instead at least act the part of a welcoming host. Even though this little situation hadn't been planned at all, but at this point we were both past that.

"Sorry if all we've got is juice and beer."

I grabbed two glasses - top shelf, rightmost, as Shinji had drilled into me - and the carton of orange juice, deducing that the strict, and very much underage, class rep would probably not want any alcohol.

She seemed distracted as I set the two glasses on the table, and poured the liquid which nowadays reminded me too much of appearance of LCL to truly, properly enjoy. She still hadn't taken a seat either.

"Class rep."

Her head jerked up to meet my eyes a bit too fast, and she didn't even attempt to hide the slight blush that spread on her cheeks. I realized this must have been hugely embarrassing for her, especially given her reputation.

"I mean I'm not gonna force you to take a seat, but it's kinda weird if you just stand there. Also I imagine you're tired."

"Sorry sorry," she said profusely as she finally took her seat, and sipped generously from her glass. "It's just I have a lot on my mind, and you're being so nice to me, and I'm just repaying you by not even paying attention to you."

I shrugged.

"Is cool. I don't really care about all that polite shit."

She seemed to half-consider scolding me for the language, judging by her looks, before she dialed it back as she remembered where we were. Chiefly, not inside a classroom, but definitely inside a private home in which I was the host.

"Yeah. I've noticed you don't," she settled for.

"Mhm. Call it culture shock. I haven't been staying here for a long time."

"I would imagine. You're from Great Britain, right?"

Fuck if I know. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and assume it's an Asuka situation.

"Yeah. Half-Japanese though. How'd you know?"

"It was in your student file."

"Ah. I see," I said, hoping the slight panic I had didn't translate over to my face.

"Your Japanese is pretty good. Where'd you learn it?"

"At home. From my relatives," I replied, wholly ignorant as to whether I had any relatives in this world that were not currently soul-chained to the central organ of a titanic artificial lifeform. "Online courses helped too. Anyway, I was going to ask, why do you look so...well, exhausted? And all over the place?"

I was hoping to get to the bottom of this before anyway. Now, it also helped in that it diverted attention from my very much nonexistent understanding of my family and upbringing. Or, rather, Kano's family and upbringing. That distinction always escaped me until I was reminded of it.

"It's that obvious, huh?" the class rep asked, looking embarrassed.

"Yeah kinda."

She took a deep breath.

"Well I had to get up early to make breakfast for papa and my sisters and then I had to console Kodama about boys not giving her enough attention and then I had to take Nozomi to a recital and then I had to go to class to pick up the papers for teacher and-"

She cut herself off, noticing me looking at her. She blushed again, and averted her eyes.

"Well, that does indeed sound like a very long day."

"You can say that again."

"How do you manage it all?" I said, sipping without much purpose from my glass. It had been left alone for the duration of our chat, but I thought I might make Hikari more comfortable by at least courtesy-drinking some.

"Oh it's not like this on most days. I can usually get a handle on it pretty well. It's just today everything seemed conspiring to inconvenience me," she flared her hands as if to point to the collective of existence.

"Tell me about it," I haphazardly responded, thinking back to berserk god machines and scathing redheads.

"If you don't mind me asking, why were you not at school?" she said, switching from bashful to curious.

"Well..."

"Is it top secret Nerv stuff?"

"Probably falls somewhere under that umbrella, yeah."

"Oh," she deflated somewhat.

"Let's just say it was an incident of sorts and leave it at that," I couldn't stop myself from rubbing my throat as I thought of Unit 00.

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Nah," I waved my hand. "It was my fault. Really."

"Well, you're okay now, right?"

I almost bit tore Rei's head off indirectly, managed to screw up the one chance I had to make contact with the soul inside my Evangelion, and somehow got Asuka to hate my guts without even realizing it.

"More or less," I voiced instead.

I almost wanted to share what I knew right then and there, but I held myself back. Hikari needed to have no part of this, and I certainly wasn't going to dump all that on her. We barely even knew each-other. Besides, my problems weren't going to be solved by a third-party. If I was going to get anywhere, I would have to brave the battles and hardships by myself.

But, maybe a little help wouldn't hurt.

"Say, you and Asuka are friends yeah?"

"Well I'd hope so, given she comes to my house whenever she feels like it," she sighed. "I like her sure, but sometimes she's a handful."

"Only sometimes?" I said with a smirk.

"She's a good girl at heart!" she scoffed, but then reclined in her seat a bit. "She just has difficulties with people."

"I believe that. Unfortunately, people involves you and me as well."

She seemed to want to debate that, but instead let it lay. She did say something else which surprised me though.

"Does she ever speak about me?"

I quirked my eyebrow at that question, but when it was clear she meant it, I scoured my brain for any scenarios where the pigtailed girl might've been mentioned.

"Well I haven't lived with her for a very long time, but I'd say not really aside from a few mentions here and there. Like, "I'm going out with Hikari", or something like that. Why do you ask?"

"She talks about you guys constantly," she seemed thoughtful then. "You. Ayanami. And Ikari. Especially Ikari, actually."

"Can't imagine she says very nice things about us."

Hikari gave me an awkward smile.

"No, not really. The weirdest thing is that sometimes she'll make it seem like a compliment, only to switch it up and say something mean anyway."

"Phhhfff," I exhaled. "That sounds like Asuka alright. I won't have it easy with her, will I?"

"I don't think so," she was still smiling, albeit more encouragingly.

"Trade you Toji for her," I responded with a sly grin. The short look of shock and slight blush that graced her face would've been missed by someone who didn't know what was up.

"As if I haven't been handling Suzuhara for long enough already," she scoffed again, trying to hide the slight pink of her cheeks.

"Have you now?" I said, changing from joking to intrigued.

"We've been in the same class since the second grade, and he hasn't improved much since then. Always the same dumb boy, with the same dumb tracksuit," she sounded exasperated, but still there was a hint of something there that sounded heartfelt. "He doesn't even change it, he just gets a bigger size every time he outgrows it!"

"Come on, sure he can be a handful, but he's a good dude at heart," I chuckled as I used her own words against her. She rolled her eyes, but smiled regardless. And that smile was the first genuine one I'd seen out of her.

"Yeah. I suppose you're right about that."

"Should I tell him you said that?"

"Don't you even dare!"

"Okay okay," I said, putting up my hands in mock surrender. "What's with girls never giving any compliments in person?"

"What's with boys being blockheads that don't deserve them in person?" she fired back.

"Touché."

We sat in silence for a while then. I was surprised how comfortable she'd gotten. Was it really that easy? Was some banter and some discussion among peers all it took?

Hikari was someone I didn't know very well compared to almost anyone else here. Even by the standards of the less frequent but still plot-relevant members of Class 2-A, she was barely above an extra for a majority of the show. Yet right here, there was a very easy connection to be made with her that none of the other pilots had given me an inch on.

She wasn't emotionally broken, like Shinji and Asuka, or something beyond human and struggling with said inhumanity, like Rei. She was just a kid. More than a little hurt, by all measures, considering her absent mother and responsibility as the caretaker of her family at such a young age. But she was refreshingly normal and uninhibited, and I could appreciate that.

"Hey Akashi," she said, bringing me back to the conversation at hand.

"Yeah?"

"Thanks," she blurted out, clearly bashful again. "For all this, you know."

She looked at me and the table while she said it. I stared at her and then turned to the house around me, confused, before realizing what she meant.

"Pfft. Come on. A hardwood chair and a glass of juice? That's nothing."

"Well I appreciate it."

"If you appreciate it that much, then can you repay me right now?"

"Oh?"

"Just call me Kano."

"Is that alright with you?"

"Class rep, do I look like the kind of person that wants to be referred to by his last name?" I used my thumb to point to myself for emphasis. "Yeah, just Kano is fine."

"I see. Then you can call me Hikari as well," she said, a bit shyly.

"I thought you were the one repaying a favor here."

"I am!" she insisted. "Just...don't call me that when we're in class."

"Haha. Deal," I grinned dumbly as I extended my glass towards her. She clinked it with her own reserved smile.

It wasn't long before I saw Hikari off. And just as she entered the elevator, Shinji emerged from it, carrying a few disposable plastic bags worth of stuff.

"Yo," I greeted when he approached.

"Hello," he responded as he turned his head towards the elevator. "Was that Hikari?"

"Yeah. She came over to hand me some homework or whatever. Where were you?"

He raised the bags in front of himself.

"Getting groceries."

I moved out of the way of the doorframe to free up space for him to enter. He took off his shoes, and moving all the bags temporarily to one hand, put the former in their place.

"I'm guessing Misato's at Nerv again?" I asked, curious as to how I hadn't seen the buxom Operations Director all day.

"Yuh-huh."

He set the bags down near the kitchen counter.

"And Asuka?"

"Out."

"Just out?"

"That's what she told me when she left," he paused, and his face grimaced slightly. "Well, that and that it wasn't any of my business."

"Right."

A beat passed.

"Hey Shinji."

"Yeah?"

"Uh," any sort of plan or strategy or even coherent sentence structure I had thought of at that point died on my lips. I had no idea what I was doing. But I couldn't back down. So I compromised.

"Do you think Asuka hates me?"

He seemed dumbstruck at the very idea of the question, and honestly I was too, though not for the same reasons, I felt. If you had no idea what to say, you may as well be blunt, but that was about as blunt a delivery as an Eva's fist.

"I mean," he started, after he seemed to mull it over somewhat. "It's kinda hard to tell some days if she doesn't hate everyone. Besides Kaji."

"Yeah. I get that. But lately she's been sort of extra spiteful towards me, if you hadn't noticed."

"It's because of what you said."

I stared at him then.

"So you heard about that."

"Misato told us before the operation."

"Then I'll have to ask Misato later about it. In the meantime," I gulped down. No point feigning ignorance or holding back now. "Do you think I'm a coward?"

Shinji's gaze was nebulous as he thought the question over, and I couldn't help but feel like he resembled his father a bit too much in that moment. That gaze was almost enough to elicit a chill out of my spine.

"Maybe."

"Maybe?"

"I'm not sure if wanting to keep living is cowardly. Pain is something we all have to go through. And it's scary, and we don't want to go through it. But I don't know when wanting to save yourself from that crosses over to being cowardly."

He shrugged then.

"I don't know, that's just what I think."

I was silent for a long time after that.

He was right about one thing: I was scared of the pain. And of loss. And, of both the pain and loss of my life. No matter how fictional these events and people may be, my self-preservation could never be truly turned off. Yet was that running away? Was I using the boy who had yet to learn his worldly lesson from all that would follow as a crutch? To make me feel better about myself?

I couldn't answer that, yet. But I could do better. I couldn't stop being scared, but I could at least stop appearing like I was before them. Give them hope, even if it meant lying. I was going to have to fake it until I made it. And if that wasn't enough, then the burden of this world would crush me all the same.

"I won't do it again."

No.

"Won't do what?" Shinji asked, puzzled.

This world will not crush me.

"I'm not going to abandon you."

As long as I still breathe, this world will not crush me.

"I'm not going to abandon you guys, ever, again. I promise."

Time passed soon in the monotony and mediocrity of every off day where one had nothing to do. I lounged around the apartment until both Asuka and Misato returned. The former didn't so much as look at me. Her distaste was so evident it could've been written on her face. Right then, I knew for certain nothing was forgotten. And certainly not forgiven either, from where I stood.

Misato was a different story though.

"Yeaaaaah! House is full, my boy is back!" she cheered as she hugged me one-armed, swinging a can of beer in the other.

"Glad to be back, Misato," I said, trying and failing to not get shoved near her chest. "Can you please let me go now?"

I knew I couldn't ask her in front of the others. So I bid my time. There was always a risk Misato would go to crash before the other two occupants of the house did. She was tired from a whole day's work, after all. On the other hand, beer made the woman a bundle of abundant energy. I was relying on that.

Said relying on that paid off, eventually. Which was bad, since I was using someone's addictive coping mechanism as a tool. But I'd given up on getting her to quit that habit a long time ago. Some things couldn't change easily, and there were bigger problems than it. So, I could at least learn to use it to my advantage.

"Hey Misato."

"Yeah kiddo?" she replied, more than a bit drowsy. Her eyes looked to have dulled, and she was swaying slightly from side to side. A combination of tiredness and drunkenness, if I had to guess.

I faltered. Was this really the best time to bring this up? Maybe in the morning when she wasn't...well, shitfaced.

No. No backing out now. You have to know. And besides, she might not even tell you if she's sober. It might be something she thinks she needs to keep close to her chest. Get it out while she's less inhibited.

I had to swallow that pill of bitterness. But it was true. Even without that little tidbit brought to the forefront, delaying this would bring me nothing but another night, or more, of needless questions.

"What did I say during my quarantine?

"Eh?" she seemed confused.

Be more specific, idiot.

"I mean, when the Eighth Angel attacked, I said something. I said I didn't want to pilot it anymore. The Eva."

Misato was quiet.

"Misato?" I asked again, to no response. "Please tell me, did I say that or not?"

"You said it," she replied, suddenly looking fully alert and sober. "Just, not as you might think."

"What are you talking about?" I could feel the knot tighten in my throat, as my cheeks and ears started burning.

"You weren't awake. You were saying it in your sleep."

"What?" I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and then immediately used to strike me in the gut. "Then why didn't you wake me up? Why didn't you actually ask me?"

"Kiddo..."

"What if Asuka and Shinji had died during that mission Misato? Because I wasn't there for them?"

Her gaze hardened. "Then I would've taken responsibility for it. I am your commanding officer. These things fall to me."

"But-"

"Don't "but" me," she said, getting out of her seat, standing taller than I'd ever seen her. In that moment she had the same kind of face on that she did during the most critical Nerv operations. In that moment, she dominated the room, though her voice never rose above the level of a conversation. "Your Eva was still being reconfigured after that disastrous test. You were still unconscious, and with elevated brainwave patterns that Ritsuko kindly informed me she wanted nowhere near an Entry Plug. You were still under quarantine. Even if you wanted to go, there was no way I was letting you pilot."

"I did want to go," I insisted, though my own voice was a whimper. "I want to help them."

"Then you'll get another chance. But in that moment Kano, the only person you wanted to help was yourself."

She moved away, walking off to her room.

And this was just to make yourself feel better about it, my mind finished words she herself would never have the courage to say.